France Remotely Funny

Oh, hello! Welcome to Remotely Funny!

Hi, everyone.

I'm Saara, and this is Remotely Funny - the show that

has the power to go anywhere in the UK.

I'm coming in wirelessly, hijacking your home,

and then offering you prizes.

Today, I'm in French France.

So let's see where our heroic

Remotely Funny contestants are today.

First up, it's Jennifer.

-Hello, Jennifer!

-Hi!

Jennifer is nine years old and from the Scottish Borders.

When she grows up, she wants to be a space scientist.

Jennifer loves horse riding,

comedy shows and dipping crisps in milk.

Who's with you?

-This is my mum, Joan.

-Hi, Saara!

This is my dad, Archie. And this is...

I'm your dad!

It's lovely to meet you and your family.

So, Jennifer, what qualities does your mum have that's going to

make her a good team-mate today?

Well, she's funny.

She's a bit weird sometimes.

And she does lots of fun stuff.

Jennifer's mum, you're a doctor and a stand-up comedian.

What's your favourite medical joke?

Well, a funny thing happened,

I did cut my finger the other day in the kitchen.

There was blood everywhere, and Jennifer's dad, I shouted him,

and said, "Can you get me a dressing?"

-He got me the thousand island.

-No!

SAD TROMBONE

So, do you think humour is the best cure for illness?

-Oh, definitely, yeah. But sometimes you still need antibiotics.

-Yeah!

And next, we're moving on to Stella.

Stella, how are you?

-I'm good.

-Great!

Stella's nine years old and from Leicestershire.

Her sister calls her Squidgy, but everyone else calls her Stell Bell.

She has three dogs, called...

She's ridden on the biggest roller-coaster in the UK,

and once swam with dolphins.

Who are you with today?

My sister, my mum, and I've also got my two dogs.

Oh, lovely, lovely.

So, Stella, you are a super-cool home-school kid. What's that like?

It's fun.

My sister and my mum teaches me.

My sister's really good at baking and art, so she helps me with that.

And then my mum does all the maths.

Interesting.

So, what's your teacher like? Ooh, I mean your mum!

That was super-awkward. What is your mum like as a teacher?

-She's really good at it.

-OK.

-And she enjoys it.

-Nice.

So, Stella's mum, at parent-teacher meetings,

do you keep having to switch chairs with yourself?

-I do!

-Oh, nice, OK.

That was like a serious answer. Thank you, Stella.

And finally, connecting to Rowan.

Hello, Rowan, how are you?

Hello!

Eight-year-old Rowan is from the city of Glasgow.

Rowan loves the movie Annie and can sing all the songs.

She's very good at doing handstands, and thinks hot chocolate and cookies

is the best combination in the world.

Who are you with today?

I am with my mum and my dad.

Hello, family!

-Hello!

-Hi!

So, Rowan, is it true that you can speak

a couple of foreign languages?

Yeah. Chinese Mandarin, Gaelic...

Rowan, can you speak some Mandarin for me?

So, ni hao means hello.

And cha means tea.

I'm very intrigued.

Being a person who's very interested in languages, that is very cool.

Rowan, when you grow up, you want to be an actress?

-Yes.

-Can you give me your best red-carpet pose?

That is pretty fierce. Thank you so much, Rowan.

Well, my little French fancies, let's get this started.

Everyone shout, "Merci!"

-ALL:

-Merci!

All right, thank you, families, you've served a purpose.

Now, please leave - I need time with my players. Au revoir!

Out, I said out!

It is time for our contest, for the games to begin.

Let me tell you about TV's most talked-about prize.

Firstly, you get the title Remotely Funny champion.

And secondly, the absolutely fantastique

Remotely Funny pull capuche.

(That's a hoodie to you and me.)

It even has central heating!

If you stuff a hot-water bottle up there, that is.

Order yours today, by winning this game.

Everyone, get fierce!

Raarr!

You animals!

Let's play.

This is Bedroom Bonanza.

The rules are simple, I name something,

and you have to collect it.

The first one back with the item wins three

of my sugar-coated Samojis.

I don't care if I rip your houses apart, to be honest.

I'm not going to be there to clean it up.

Listen carefully - the first item I want you to get for me is...

your mum or dad's shirt.

Go, go, go!

Go get me your mum or dad's shirt!

Parent's shirt. OK...?

Oh, and Stella's back!

And then Rowan comes in as a number two. Where's Jennifer?

Jennifer! Oh, she's there.

What do you guys have? Jennifer, what do you have there?

Tell me about that shirt.

My dad's blue shirt.

Rowan, what do you have there?

This is my mum's shirt. It's also a dress.

Stella?

OK, so I brought my mum's shirt, and it's got her favourite colours,

and it's brown, white and dark green.

Beautiful.

Stella, you get three Samojis for being back first.

Whoo!

However, Rowan, because what you've brought was a shirt

and also a dress, you get one extra Samoji, Rowan.

-Yay!

-Yes.

The next item I want you to get is something that would be

useful if you went camping.

Go! What would be useful if you went camping?

I got a torch.

-All right, Jennifer?

-All right.

Rowan, what do you have there? What would you take camping with you?

I have tissue.

What would you use that for?

Like, if it's freezing cold and you want to blow your nose,

you at least have tissue.

Jennifer, what do you have there?

A tent.

Wow!

You went all the way convenient, practical. I like that, Jennifer.

Tell me something about that tent. Have you been camping?

No! The back garden!

Oh, I see, I see. That's fun.

And, Stella?

Because you were back first, you're getting three Samojis for that!

Whoo!

But, Jennifer, because you brought a tent - and I think that is

just extremely convenient - you get one extra Samoji.

Whoo!

Great job, girls. Next item.

I want to see something you would wear as fancy dress.

Go! What would you wear as fancy dress? Bring me a fancy dress.

Or it could be something else you would wear as a fancy dress.

It could be basically whatever... And Jennifer is back first!

Jennifer, what is that?

Wings.

OK, so you would wear that as fancy dress.

Rowan, what do you have there?

-I have, like, a ball dress, kind of thing.

-Mmm, beautiful, beautiful.

What about you, Stella?

I've got a Pudsey onesie.

Oh, cool! It's Pudsey Bear!

Jennifer, you were back first, so you get three Samojis.

Yay!

But Rowan, you are the only one to bring an actual dress back,

so, Rowan, you get one Samoji.

Yay!

Rowan, I've got a chance for you to win an extra Samoji.

Shh, don't tell the others!

Can you come closer to me?

I asked your dad to tell me the one thing

he has to nag you about the most.

If you can give me the same answer,

I'll give you another sweet, sweet Samoji.

To switch the telly off?

BUZZER No! That is not the correct answer.

The correct answer was tidying your room.

He said it's always messy, and he cannot understand how it happens.

But I did tidy it.

That's not what your dad said.

Quick, trash your room to annoy him, and don't say I told you to.

OK.

MUSIC: Wild Thing by The Troggs

SHE GIGGLES

You're wild!

Rowan has two.

Jennifer has four.

And Stella has taken the lead with six Samojis.

I'm busting for a wee.

Or oui, as they say here in France.

It's time for Toilet Takedown!

Jennifer, don't you leave me in your room, I want to come with you.

That was quick, we're already there.

Take a seat and get ready to bag those Samojis.

OK, everyone - go get a pen!

You need to write your answers on the closest thing to paper -

which, in the bathroom, is loo roll.

So, here comes the question - the world's largest water balloon fight

took place in 2011 at the University of Kentucky.

But how many people took part?

Write down your answers.

Come to the screen and hold up your answers. Let's see them.

Let's see what you guys wrote down. Stella, what does yours say?

2,000.

-Jennifer?

-3,000.

What about you, Rowan?

-300.

-Oh, OK, OK.

Well, Jennifer, you got the closest,

because the correct answer is 8,957 people.

So that means three Samojis for you.

Congratulations.

Let's have a LooTube Moment.

Make a wish, Mom!

Blow it out!

OK, stop!

For an extra Samoji,

I'm going to ask you a question based on the LooTube clip.

And first to flush the loo gets to answer, OK?

What do you think happens next?

Stella?

They blow the candles out.

Mmm...not quite.

Let's see what happens.

Blow it out.

Oh, Grandma, seriously, you are so wild.

It's the Samoji countdown.

-Rowan has two.

-Yay!

Stella is now second, with six.

-And Jennifer is creeping ahead with seven Samojis.

-Yay!

It is time for Food Flash. Everyone, to the kitchen!

I'm just heading down the stairs. I'm in the hallway now.

OK, be careful there.

Two games down, catch those Samojis while they're hot.

The French cuisine - it's good.

I mean, they did give us fries.

But nothing compares to my home country of Finland,

where the grub is proper naughty.

For this game, I'm going to show you a food flash picture of one

of my favourite Finnish dishes, and you have 45 seconds to recreate it.

Samojis for the player who makes their dish look as close

to the picture as possible.

A Finnish kitchen is not complete without at least one bottle

of ruskeakastike - gravy to you.

Hug it close and shout, "I love you, ruskeakastike!"

-ALL:

-I love you, ruskah...gah..gee...

Yes, that's what I like to hear.

Today's dish is an homage to

the famous Finnish landmark Hameenlinna.

And it's called Hameenli-nom-nom-nom-nom.

And here it is.

Today's dish is a pureed mint pea and popcorn layered souffle

with a tortilla corn crunch and wholegrain base,

topped with reconstituted icing sugar, cherries and,

of course, Finnish gravy.

Start cooking!

-Shout orders at your parents, like you're the boss of them.

-Mum, Dad!

-Help, guys!

-Jennifer, where's your parents, you need them!

Ugh!

Great. Rowan, good job. What are you doing there, Rowan?

I'm putting the peas on.

Ten seconds, everyone.

Get the gravy on, get the gravy on. Rowan, where's the gravy?

Three, two, one -

stop cooking!

Jennifer, everything down.

Can I see your dishes?

Jennifer, show me what you got there.

That actually looks amazing.

Stella, tell me something about your dish.

I've put the gravy to stand the Weetabix up,

and then I've put glazed cherry and I've put icing.

I've only managed to put the popcorn and

a little bit of gravy and the mushed peas on.

Jennifer came the closest to the original picture,

so, Jennifer, you get three Samojis for that.

Yay!

But, Rowan, you got the gravy on there at the very last second,

so, Rowan, you get one extra Samoji.

Yay!

Well, everyone, it's time to discover

just how delicious a dish it is.

Bonus Samojis for parents that don't just try it,

they must also celebrate it in all its glory.

Come on, Rowan's mum and dad, you can give it a little try.

It's delicious, I swear.

Oh, yeah, it's fab!

Jennifer's mum, I can see you really love that.

And Stella's mum is also really trying... Oh, yeah, yeah!

Mmm, this is beautiful, these flavours really go well together!

Yeah, Rowan's mum going with the chopsticks, I like that.

Well, it looks like everyone's parents had a taste of it.

So everyone gets a bonus Samoji.

-ALL:

-Whoo!

Before we move on, Jennifer,

-do you want to come closer to the camera for me?

-Yeah?

I want to know how well you know your mum.

For one Samoji, what is her favourite dinner?

You have to give me an answer right now!

Erm, erm, erm...

BUZZER

Sorry, Jennifer, you lost your chance!

The correct answer was risotto.

Well, maybe next time.

It is Samoji time.

Rowan now has four.

Stella has seven.

And Jennifer is still in the lead, with 11 Samojis.

Great work, Jennifer.

My Finnish grandma would be so proud of your

Hameenli-nom-nom-nom-nom-making skills.

But it is time to go to the lounge.

Get ready for the penultimate game.

Stella, Rowan and Jennifer, get something to hide behind,

because I fancy a spot of mum moves and dad dancing.

-You want me to bust a move and pop some shapes, then?

-Yes.

Just a little bit.

There'll be three Samojis for the highest number on the pedometer.

Plus ones for style.

OK, show me that all of your pedometers are at zero.

Attach those little magic counting machines on your parents.

Let's get this jiving started.

Take a look at this for some inspiration.

ACCORDION-LED LATIN FOLK MUSIC

Ready?

Go!

I want to see you burning it up,

just like those little, crazy Chilean firemen!

Give me that good-good!

I'm liking it so far.

Jennifer, where are you?

Don't try to hide from me, I want to see every facial expression.

All right, Rowan's dad, move those legs!

Remember, you have a pedometer on you.

See, you've found your own little flow there.

Yes!

OK, stop, stop, make it stop, please, please! I've seen enough.

Stella, what did you think about your mum's dancing?

She was really good.

Jennifer, how was your mum's dancing?

It was OK, but it was very embarrassing.

-Jennifer's mum, you get one Samoji for cringe!

-Whoohoo!

I'm sorry, and you're welcome.

Rowan, your dad gets one Samoji for overall style,

because I thought he was really going in for it, congratulations.

Yay!

Now, let me see those pedometers.

OK, Stella has 189.

Rowan has 98.

And Jennifer has 114.

Stella gets three Samojis for most steps on the pedometer.

Congratulations, Stella.

OK, peeps, let's loop.

Stella... I'm feeling generous.

Can you come a little closer for me?

So, I spoke to your mum earlier, she said this - someone in the house

tries to experiment in the kitchen, but there are a lot of failures.

She once made a pizza with lemon on it.

For an extra Samoji, who was she talking about?

-Erm, Ruby.

-Yes!

That is one extra Samoji for you, congratulations.

Ruby, come on now, lemon?

I don't know, I thought it'd be nice.

I'm not a great chef!

Let's see who's dancing to the sweet sound of my Samojis.

Rowan has five.

Stella has 11.

And Jennifer just jived into the top spot with 12 Samojis.

Whoo!

Players, wave goodbye to your precious families.

Bye, family, bye, parents. Just my players, just my contestants now.

Everyone leave the room.

It is the last chance to win big.

This game is called Say What You Seemojis.

Look at my Samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

First person to buzz in and answer correctly

wins the hallowed Samojis.

Go and get a buzzer,

anything you can find that makes a deafening noise.

I've got mine.

PARPING

It's French, you get it?

Ugh, my genius is lost on you people.

Everyone got their buzzers?

RATTLING AND HONKING

First Say What You Seemoji.

What do you think this is?

CRANKING Jennifer?

-A hot dog.

-Yes!

You get three Samojis for that. Good job, Jennifer.

Here comes the next one.

What do you think this is?

HONKING

Oh!

Stella, what is it?

-Sleepwalking.

-Yes.

Three Samojis for you.

And the final one is a TV show

that's ALMOST as good as Remotely Funny.

Can you guess which TV show this is?

RATTLING

Rowan?

Is it Hank Zipzer?

No, it's not.

-Any ideas?

-Oh!

-CRANKING

Jennifer?

-Horrible Histories?

-Yes, there you go.

Three Samojis for you.

Game's up, and I can reveal that...

dun-da-da-dun...

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

..Jennifer!

-Congratulations, Jennifer.

-Yay!

Congratulations!

Yay!

Jaa, jaa, jaa! That's a Finnish celebration.

Ooh, la-la. That's a French one.

Jennifer, I will be sending you a much sought-after

Remotely Funny hoodie.

Stella, Rowan, you don't go home empty-handed.

We will be sending you a prized Remotely Funny souvenir.

-All right, everyone, get your families back in the room.

-Mum, Dad!

Big thanks to you, Jennifer, Stella and Rowan,

and your families for letting me go crazy in your homes.

You've been immense, it's been remote,

and we've all been pretty funny.

Play the music! Au revoir!