France Remotely Funny


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Transcript


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Oh, hello! Welcome to Remotely Funny!

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Hi, everyone.

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I'm Saara, and this is Remotely Funny - the show that

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has the power to go anywhere in the UK.

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I'm coming in wirelessly, hijacking your home,

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and then offering you prizes.

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Today, I'm in French France.

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So let's see where our heroic

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Remotely Funny contestants are today.

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First up, it's Jennifer.

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-Hello, Jennifer!

-Hi!

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Jennifer is nine years old and from the Scottish Borders.

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When she grows up, she wants to be a space scientist.

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Jennifer loves horse riding,

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comedy shows and dipping crisps in milk.

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Who's with you?

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-This is my mum, Joan.

-Hi, Saara!

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This is my dad, Archie. And this is...

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I'm your dad!

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It's lovely to meet you and your family.

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So, Jennifer, what qualities does your mum have that's going to

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make her a good team-mate today?

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Well, she's funny.

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She's a bit weird sometimes.

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And she does lots of fun stuff.

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Jennifer's mum, you're a doctor and a stand-up comedian.

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What's your favourite medical joke?

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Well, a funny thing happened,

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I did cut my finger the other day in the kitchen.

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There was blood everywhere, and Jennifer's dad, I shouted him,

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and said, "Can you get me a dressing?"

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-He got me the thousand island.

-No!

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SAD TROMBONE

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So, do you think humour is the best cure for illness?

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-Oh, definitely, yeah. But sometimes you still need antibiotics.

-Yeah!

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And next, we're moving on to Stella.

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Stella, how are you?

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-I'm good.

-Great!

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Stella's nine years old and from Leicestershire.

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Her sister calls her Squidgy, but everyone else calls her Stell Bell.

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She has three dogs, called...

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She's ridden on the biggest roller-coaster in the UK,

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and once swam with dolphins.

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Who are you with today?

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My sister, my mum, and I've also got my two dogs.

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Oh, lovely, lovely.

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So, Stella, you are a super-cool home-school kid. What's that like?

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It's fun.

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My sister and my mum teaches me.

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My sister's really good at baking and art, so she helps me with that.

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And then my mum does all the maths.

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Interesting.

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So, what's your teacher like? Ooh, I mean your mum!

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That was super-awkward. What is your mum like as a teacher?

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-She's really good at it.

-OK.

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-And she enjoys it.

-Nice.

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So, Stella's mum, at parent-teacher meetings,

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do you keep having to switch chairs with yourself?

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-I do!

-Oh, nice, OK.

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That was like a serious answer. Thank you, Stella.

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And finally, connecting to Rowan.

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Hello, Rowan, how are you?

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Hello!

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Eight-year-old Rowan is from the city of Glasgow.

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Rowan loves the movie Annie and can sing all the songs.

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She's very good at doing handstands, and thinks hot chocolate and cookies

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is the best combination in the world.

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Who are you with today?

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I am with my mum and my dad.

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Hello, family!

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-Hello!

-Hi!

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So, Rowan, is it true that you can speak

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a couple of foreign languages?

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Yeah. Chinese Mandarin, Gaelic...

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Rowan, can you speak some Mandarin for me?

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So, ni hao means hello.

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And cha means tea.

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I'm very intrigued.

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Being a person who's very interested in languages, that is very cool.

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Rowan, when you grow up, you want to be an actress?

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-Yes.

-Can you give me your best red-carpet pose?

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That is pretty fierce. Thank you so much, Rowan.

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Well, my little French fancies, let's get this started.

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Everyone shout, "Merci!"

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-ALL:

-Merci!

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All right, thank you, families, you've served a purpose.

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Now, please leave - I need time with my players. Au revoir!

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Out, I said out!

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It is time for our contest, for the games to begin.

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Let me tell you about TV's most talked-about prize.

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Firstly, you get the title Remotely Funny champion.

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And secondly, the absolutely fantastique

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Remotely Funny pull capuche.

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(That's a hoodie to you and me.)

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It even has central heating!

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If you stuff a hot-water bottle up there, that is.

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Order yours today, by winning this game.

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Everyone, get fierce!

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Raarr!

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You animals!

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Let's play.

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This is Bedroom Bonanza.

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The rules are simple, I name something,

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and you have to collect it.

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The first one back with the item wins three

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of my sugar-coated Samojis.

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I don't care if I rip your houses apart, to be honest.

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I'm not going to be there to clean it up.

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Listen carefully - the first item I want you to get for me is...

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your mum or dad's shirt.

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Go, go, go!

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Go get me your mum or dad's shirt!

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Parent's shirt. OK...?

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Oh, and Stella's back!

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And then Rowan comes in as a number two. Where's Jennifer?

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Jennifer! Oh, she's there.

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What do you guys have? Jennifer, what do you have there?

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Tell me about that shirt.

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My dad's blue shirt.

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Rowan, what do you have there?

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This is my mum's shirt. It's also a dress.

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Stella?

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OK, so I brought my mum's shirt, and it's got her favourite colours,

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and it's brown, white and dark green.

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Beautiful.

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Stella, you get three Samojis for being back first.

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Whoo!

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However, Rowan, because what you've brought was a shirt

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and also a dress, you get one extra Samoji, Rowan.

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-Yay!

-Yes.

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The next item I want you to get is something that would be

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useful if you went camping.

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Go! What would be useful if you went camping?

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I got a torch.

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-All right, Jennifer?

-All right.

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Rowan, what do you have there? What would you take camping with you?

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I have tissue.

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What would you use that for?

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Like, if it's freezing cold and you want to blow your nose,

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you at least have tissue.

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Jennifer, what do you have there?

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A tent.

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Wow!

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You went all the way convenient, practical. I like that, Jennifer.

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Tell me something about that tent. Have you been camping?

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No! The back garden!

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Oh, I see, I see. That's fun.

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And, Stella?

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Because you were back first, you're getting three Samojis for that!

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Whoo!

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But, Jennifer, because you brought a tent - and I think that is

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just extremely convenient - you get one extra Samoji.

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Whoo!

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Great job, girls. Next item.

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I want to see something you would wear as fancy dress.

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Go! What would you wear as fancy dress? Bring me a fancy dress.

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Or it could be something else you would wear as a fancy dress.

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It could be basically whatever... And Jennifer is back first!

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Jennifer, what is that?

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Wings.

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OK, so you would wear that as fancy dress.

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Rowan, what do you have there?

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-I have, like, a ball dress, kind of thing.

-Mmm, beautiful, beautiful.

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What about you, Stella?

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I've got a Pudsey onesie.

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Oh, cool! It's Pudsey Bear!

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Jennifer, you were back first, so you get three Samojis.

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Yay!

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But Rowan, you are the only one to bring an actual dress back,

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so, Rowan, you get one Samoji.

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Yay!

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Rowan, I've got a chance for you to win an extra Samoji.

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Shh, don't tell the others!

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Can you come closer to me?

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I asked your dad to tell me the one thing

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he has to nag you about the most.

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If you can give me the same answer,

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I'll give you another sweet, sweet Samoji.

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To switch the telly off?

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BUZZER No! That is not the correct answer.

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The correct answer was tidying your room.

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He said it's always messy, and he cannot understand how it happens.

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But I did tidy it.

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That's not what your dad said.

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Quick, trash your room to annoy him, and don't say I told you to.

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OK.

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MUSIC: Wild Thing by The Troggs

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SHE GIGGLES

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You're wild!

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Rowan has two.

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Jennifer has four.

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And Stella has taken the lead with six Samojis.

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I'm busting for a wee.

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Or oui, as they say here in France.

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It's time for Toilet Takedown!

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Jennifer, don't you leave me in your room, I want to come with you.

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That was quick, we're already there.

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Take a seat and get ready to bag those Samojis.

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OK, everyone - go get a pen!

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You need to write your answers on the closest thing to paper -

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which, in the bathroom, is loo roll.

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So, here comes the question - the world's largest water balloon fight

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took place in 2011 at the University of Kentucky.

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But how many people took part?

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Write down your answers.

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Come to the screen and hold up your answers. Let's see them.

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Let's see what you guys wrote down. Stella, what does yours say?

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2,000.

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-Jennifer?

-3,000.

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What about you, Rowan?

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-300.

-Oh, OK, OK.

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Well, Jennifer, you got the closest,

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because the correct answer is 8,957 people.

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So that means three Samojis for you.

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Congratulations.

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Let's have a LooTube Moment.

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Make a wish, Mom!

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Blow it out!

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OK, stop!

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For an extra Samoji,

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I'm going to ask you a question based on the LooTube clip.

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And first to flush the loo gets to answer, OK?

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What do you think happens next?

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Stella?

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They blow the candles out.

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Mmm...not quite.

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Let's see what happens.

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Blow it out.

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Oh, Grandma, seriously, you are so wild.

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It's the Samoji countdown.

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-Rowan has two.

-Yay!

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Stella is now second, with six.

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-And Jennifer is creeping ahead with seven Samojis.

-Yay!

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It is time for Food Flash. Everyone, to the kitchen!

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I'm just heading down the stairs. I'm in the hallway now.

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OK, be careful there.

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Two games down, catch those Samojis while they're hot.

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The French cuisine - it's good.

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I mean, they did give us fries.

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But nothing compares to my home country of Finland,

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where the grub is proper naughty.

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For this game, I'm going to show you a food flash picture of one

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of my favourite Finnish dishes, and you have 45 seconds to recreate it.

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Samojis for the player who makes their dish look as close

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to the picture as possible.

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A Finnish kitchen is not complete without at least one bottle

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of ruskeakastike - gravy to you.

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Hug it close and shout, "I love you, ruskeakastike!"

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-ALL:

-I love you, ruskah...gah..gee...

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Yes, that's what I like to hear.

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Today's dish is an homage to

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the famous Finnish landmark Hameenlinna.

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And it's called Hameenli-nom-nom-nom-nom.

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And here it is.

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Today's dish is a pureed mint pea and popcorn layered souffle

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with a tortilla corn crunch and wholegrain base,

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topped with reconstituted icing sugar, cherries and,

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of course, Finnish gravy.

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Start cooking!

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-Shout orders at your parents, like you're the boss of them.

-Mum, Dad!

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-Help, guys!

-Jennifer, where's your parents, you need them!

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Ugh!

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Great. Rowan, good job. What are you doing there, Rowan?

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I'm putting the peas on.

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Ten seconds, everyone.

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Get the gravy on, get the gravy on. Rowan, where's the gravy?

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Three, two, one -

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stop cooking!

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Jennifer, everything down.

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Can I see your dishes?

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Jennifer, show me what you got there.

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That actually looks amazing.

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Stella, tell me something about your dish.

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I've put the gravy to stand the Weetabix up,

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and then I've put glazed cherry and I've put icing.

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I've only managed to put the popcorn and

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a little bit of gravy and the mushed peas on.

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Jennifer came the closest to the original picture,

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so, Jennifer, you get three Samojis for that.

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Yay!

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But, Rowan, you got the gravy on there at the very last second,

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so, Rowan, you get one extra Samoji.

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Yay!

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Well, everyone, it's time to discover

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just how delicious a dish it is.

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Bonus Samojis for parents that don't just try it,

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they must also celebrate it in all its glory.

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Come on, Rowan's mum and dad, you can give it a little try.

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It's delicious, I swear.

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Oh, yeah, it's fab!

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Jennifer's mum, I can see you really love that.

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And Stella's mum is also really trying... Oh, yeah, yeah!

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Mmm, this is beautiful, these flavours really go well together!

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Yeah, Rowan's mum going with the chopsticks, I like that.

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Well, it looks like everyone's parents had a taste of it.

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So everyone gets a bonus Samoji.

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-ALL:

-Whoo!

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Before we move on, Jennifer,

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-do you want to come closer to the camera for me?

-Yeah?

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I want to know how well you know your mum.

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For one Samoji, what is her favourite dinner?

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You have to give me an answer right now!

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Erm, erm, erm...

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BUZZER

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Sorry, Jennifer, you lost your chance!

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The correct answer was risotto.

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Well, maybe next time.

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It is Samoji time.

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Rowan now has four.

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Stella has seven.

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And Jennifer is still in the lead, with 11 Samojis.

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Great work, Jennifer.

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My Finnish grandma would be so proud of your

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Hameenli-nom-nom-nom-nom-making skills.

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But it is time to go to the lounge.

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Get ready for the penultimate game.

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Stella, Rowan and Jennifer, get something to hide behind,

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because I fancy a spot of mum moves and dad dancing.

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-You want me to bust a move and pop some shapes, then?

-Yes.

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Just a little bit.

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There'll be three Samojis for the highest number on the pedometer.

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Plus ones for style.

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OK, show me that all of your pedometers are at zero.

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Attach those little magic counting machines on your parents.

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Let's get this jiving started.

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Take a look at this for some inspiration.

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ACCORDION-LED LATIN FOLK MUSIC

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Ready?

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Go!

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I want to see you burning it up,

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just like those little, crazy Chilean firemen!

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Give me that good-good!

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I'm liking it so far.

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Jennifer, where are you?

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Don't try to hide from me, I want to see every facial expression.

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All right, Rowan's dad, move those legs!

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Remember, you have a pedometer on you.

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See, you've found your own little flow there.

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Yes!

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OK, stop, stop, make it stop, please, please! I've seen enough.

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Stella, what did you think about your mum's dancing?

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She was really good.

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Jennifer, how was your mum's dancing?

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It was OK, but it was very embarrassing.

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-Jennifer's mum, you get one Samoji for cringe!

-Whoohoo!

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I'm sorry, and you're welcome.

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Rowan, your dad gets one Samoji for overall style,

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because I thought he was really going in for it, congratulations.

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Yay!

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Now, let me see those pedometers.

0:17:390:17:42

OK, Stella has 189.

0:17:420:17:44

Rowan has 98.

0:17:440:17:46

And Jennifer has 114.

0:17:460:17:48

Stella gets three Samojis for most steps on the pedometer.

0:17:480:17:53

Congratulations, Stella.

0:17:530:17:56

OK, peeps, let's loop.

0:17:560:17:58

Stella... I'm feeling generous.

0:18:170:18:20

Can you come a little closer for me?

0:18:200:18:23

So, I spoke to your mum earlier, she said this - someone in the house

0:18:230:18:28

tries to experiment in the kitchen, but there are a lot of failures.

0:18:280:18:32

She once made a pizza with lemon on it.

0:18:320:18:34

For an extra Samoji, who was she talking about?

0:18:340:18:37

-Erm, Ruby.

-Yes!

0:18:390:18:41

That is one extra Samoji for you, congratulations.

0:18:410:18:45

Ruby, come on now, lemon?

0:18:450:18:48

I don't know, I thought it'd be nice.

0:18:480:18:50

I'm not a great chef!

0:18:500:18:52

Let's see who's dancing to the sweet sound of my Samojis.

0:18:520:18:55

Rowan has five.

0:18:550:18:57

Stella has 11.

0:18:570:18:59

And Jennifer just jived into the top spot with 12 Samojis.

0:18:590:19:03

Whoo!

0:19:030:19:04

Players, wave goodbye to your precious families.

0:19:040:19:07

Bye, family, bye, parents. Just my players, just my contestants now.

0:19:070:19:11

Everyone leave the room.

0:19:110:19:13

It is the last chance to win big.

0:19:130:19:15

This game is called Say What You Seemojis.

0:19:220:19:25

Look at my Samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

0:19:250:19:28

First person to buzz in and answer correctly

0:19:280:19:31

wins the hallowed Samojis.

0:19:310:19:33

Go and get a buzzer,

0:19:330:19:34

anything you can find that makes a deafening noise.

0:19:340:19:37

I've got mine.

0:19:370:19:39

PARPING

0:19:400:19:42

It's French, you get it?

0:19:460:19:47

Ugh, my genius is lost on you people.

0:19:480:19:51

Everyone got their buzzers?

0:19:540:19:56

RATTLING AND HONKING

0:19:560:19:57

First Say What You Seemoji.

0:19:570:19:59

What do you think this is?

0:20:010:20:02

CRANKING Jennifer?

0:20:050:20:07

-A hot dog.

-Yes!

0:20:070:20:08

You get three Samojis for that. Good job, Jennifer.

0:20:080:20:11

Here comes the next one.

0:20:110:20:13

What do you think this is?

0:20:150:20:17

HONKING

0:20:170:20:18

Oh!

0:20:180:20:19

Stella, what is it?

0:20:190:20:21

-Sleepwalking.

-Yes.

0:20:210:20:23

Three Samojis for you.

0:20:230:20:24

And the final one is a TV show

0:20:240:20:26

that's ALMOST as good as Remotely Funny.

0:20:260:20:29

Can you guess which TV show this is?

0:20:290:20:32

RATTLING

0:20:320:20:33

Rowan?

0:20:330:20:35

Is it Hank Zipzer?

0:20:350:20:36

No, it's not.

0:20:380:20:40

-Any ideas?

-Oh!

-CRANKING

0:20:400:20:43

Jennifer?

0:20:430:20:44

-Horrible Histories?

-Yes, there you go.

0:20:440:20:47

Three Samojis for you.

0:20:470:20:49

Game's up, and I can reveal that...

0:20:490:20:53

dun-da-da-dun...

0:20:530:20:55

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

0:20:550:20:57

..Jennifer!

0:20:590:21:00

-Congratulations, Jennifer.

-Yay!

0:21:000:21:03

Congratulations!

0:21:030:21:04

Yay!

0:21:080:21:10

Jaa, jaa, jaa! That's a Finnish celebration.

0:21:100:21:13

Ooh, la-la. That's a French one.

0:21:130:21:16

Jennifer, I will be sending you a much sought-after

0:21:160:21:18

Remotely Funny hoodie.

0:21:180:21:20

Stella, Rowan, you don't go home empty-handed.

0:21:200:21:23

We will be sending you a prized Remotely Funny souvenir.

0:21:230:21:27

-All right, everyone, get your families back in the room.

-Mum, Dad!

0:21:270:21:31

Big thanks to you, Jennifer, Stella and Rowan,

0:21:320:21:35

and your families for letting me go crazy in your homes.

0:21:350:21:37

You've been immense, it's been remote,

0:21:370:21:39

and we've all been pretty funny.

0:21:390:21:41

Play the music! Au revoir!

0:21:410:21:43

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