China Remotely Funny

IN CHINESE:

Oh, hi, everyone.

Welcome to Remotely Funny.

Hey, everyone. My name is Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

the show that has the power to go anywhere in the UK

and dive right into your living room.

So you never need to leave your house. Ever again!

I'm serious.

I'm coming in wirelessly, hijacking your home

and then offering you prizes.

You can play if you're in your PJs, you can play if you're grounded,

you can even play if you're supposed to be tidying your room.

Quick! Just stuff everything under the bed.

That usually works. Today, I'm in China.

Ni hao.

Let's meet today's Remotely Funny contenders.

First up, it's Maisie.

-Hi, Maisie.

-Hi!

Maisie is nine years old and from Chester.

In her spare time, she likes playing with her dogs and baking.

Maisie loves to experiment with food.

She likes dipping strawberries in hummus

and has even tried garlic mealworms. Eugh!

-Tell me who's with you today.

-I'm with my dad and 50 teddy bears.

Why do you need 50 teddy bears?

Because they're too nice to get rid of.

Oh. I understand.

Maisie, why do you think your dad is going to be a good team mate today?

He is funny and he is very energetic.

That's going to come in handy in this game.

It's time to meet Aman!

Maisie and family, say hello to Aman and his posse.

-Hey, how you doing?

-Hello, Aman.

Hey!

Nine-year-old Aman is from north-west London.

He loves cricket and football

and his favourite position is the goalie.

He can speak Urdu and has an awesome pet parrot called Raja,

who tells him if he's going to be late for school.

Aman, who are you with?

I'm here with my brother, my dad and my mother.

-Hi!

-Charming to meet you.

Aman, you want to be a pilot when you grow up.

I like planes and we're going on a plane next Sunday.

I only fly by private jet. Would you like to come work for me?

-Yeah, I'll come for you, then.

-I'll employ you ten years from now.

-Yeah.

-And finally, connecting to Bridie.

Everybody say hello to Bridie and her peeps.

-ALL:

-Hello, Bridie!

Bridie is nine years old and from Derbyshire.

Bridie's hobbies are gymnastics, cheerleading

and making lip-sync videos.

Bridie loves mackerel and visiting her uncle's farm

to ride the tractor.

Bridie, who are you with?

With my mum, my sister and my dad.

Bridie, I hear you've performed on the West End stage.

I go to a drama school every Saturday

and we were doing a show on there.

Interesting. What are your tips for dealing with stage fright?

Just to block out anything that is there.

Just ignore people if they're in front of you

and pretend you're doing it to a mirror.

I like you a lot, Bridie.

Thank you, families. Now, toddle off.

Make a cup of tea and wait for your call,

cos I don't need you any more. Now I only need my players.

Goodbye, families. Get out of here! Go to your rooms!

OK, players. Let me tell you about what you can be bragging

to your friends about for years to come.

Firstly, you get the title - Remotely Funny Champion.

And secondly, it's the Remotely Funny hoodie.

This beauty is made in China.

It's a huge prize.

Well, maybe not in size, but certainly in the style stakes.

And you can order yours today by winning this game.

OK, I need to see that you guys are ready.

Show me your worst game faces and be loud.

Wow! Those are big. I'm actually kind of scared right now.

This is Bedroom Bonanza.

The rules are quite simple.

I name something and you have to grab it for me.

First one back with the item wins three of my samojis.

-Is everyone ready? ALL:

-Yes.

First item I want you to get

is something that does not belong to you.

Go! Go get something that does not belong to you.

That is not yours. And do not bring grandad.

Bridie!

Back first, I see.

And Aman has a good number two.

Where's Maisie?

Bridie, what is that?

It's my dog's teddy.

OK, we'll take that. What about you, Aman? What do you have?

This is my brother's fake toaster.

Wonderful. I like your brother.

-What about you, Maisie? What do you have?

-My mum's knickers!

Oh, my goodness! SAARA LAUGHS

Bridie, you were back first, so that means you get three samojis.

Yay!

Is everyone ready for the next item?

I want you to bring me something that would be useful

if you went to a rainforest.

Go! What would be useful in a rainforest?

Come on, everyone. Oh!

Maisie, what is that?

-Water bottle.

-What would you do with a water bottle in a rainforest?

-Drink it!

-I mean, I guess it is practical, so good job there.

What about you, Bridie? What do you have?

A toothbrush.

OK, so you're taking care of your personal hygiene.

I like that. So, what about you, Aman? What do you have?

I have my bow.

Why would you bring a bow with you to the rainforest.

To catch food.

OK, interesting. Maisie, you were back first.

-So you get three samojis. Ding ding!

-Yay!

Aman, because you put a lot of thought in yours,

I'm going to give you one extra samoji, Aman.

-Yes!

-The final item.

What would you take to a pop concert?

Bring me something that you would take to a pop concert.

Come on, come on!

OK.

Maisie was back first.

Aman, bring me something.

Aman, what is that?

-I have brought a drum.

-Interesting.

So whenever the breaks are on, you can play your own music.

Look at you, Aman. You're so intelligent!

And you're also so very musical.

-Maisie, what do you have there?

-Sunglasses!

OK. Why would you take sunglasses to a pop concert?

Just in case it's sunny or because they're so amazing,

they're blinding with light.

What about you, Bridie? What do you have?

I have a hat, so I can keep the sun off and I can look like a pop star.

Cool festival vibes! I like that.

Maisie, you were back first, so you get three samojis.

Yes!

Aman, I'm going to give you one extra samoji for creativity.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Hey, Bridie. Come a little closer, will you?

Just Bridie.

I have a special chance for you, Bridie, to win an extra samoji.

Do you fancy that?

I spoke to your mum earlier and she told me a little secret about you.

You once broke something and pretended it wasn't you.

For an extra samoji, tell me what you broke.

It was something electrical.

No? Well, the answer was a new stereo.

I was dancing and I snapped the aerial.

OK, that's the end of Round One.

Who has the most samojis?

Aman has two.

Bridie has three.

But top of the samoji board is Maisie, with six gorgeous samojis.

Yeah!

I'm hungry.

Take me to the kitchen. It's Food Flash time.

Take me to the kitchen, everyone.

We've only just started, but time to crank up the heat.

Maisie, where are you at the moment?

On the kitchen table. Well, I'm not. You are.

I've eaten my way around China, but I still like a taste of home

every now and then. So, for this game,

I'm going to show you a Food Flash picture

of one of my favourite Finnish dishes

and you have 45 seconds to recreate it.

Samojis for the player who makes their dish look

as close to the picture as possible.

A finished kitchen is not complete

without at least one bottle of ruskeakastike.

Grab the bottle and yell, "I love ruskeakastike"!

-ALL:

-I love ruskeaka...ka...ka!

Exactly. Good job.

Today's dish is called moldecoreometofmas.

And here it is.

Today's dish is exquisite in its form with wasabi pea crackling

and candied cherries,

accompanied by an ice jade dusting on a layer of hot pink potato puree

with a sprinkling of red colouring jus.

Finished with famous Finnish gravy.

Ruskeakastike.

Start cooking now! Start shouting orders.

You can even shout orders at your parents.

You need all the help you can get.

Maisie, where's your dad? You need all the help.

He's coming.

Aman, get your mum to help you. You need help.

You're taking your sweet time, but you only have, like,

20 seconds left.

Maisie, what are you doing?

I'm turning it into a round thing.

-Great.

-It looks less disgusting than the picture. No, it doesn't.

All right, everyone. All right, everyone.

You still have a little bit of time left.

You don't have long left.

Two, one, zero.

Stop cooking! Everyone, put everything down.

It is time to take a look at your finished dishes.

Maisie, show your creation to me.

Oh, Maisie, OK. I see.

Can you give me a little description of your dish?

Pink mashed potato. Yuck!

Why do I not see any gravy on that?

We didn't have time to put anything else on it but the mash.

Bridie, can I see your dish?

OK, OK. I see.

So, can you tell me something about your dish?

It's pink mashed potato with wasabi peas and cherries.

OK, I don't see any Finnish gravy on your dish, either. Why is that?

I didn't see any on the picture.

Oh!

Aman, what about you? Tell me about your dish.

It's pinkie pie.

Aman, your dish looks closest to the picture,

-so Aman gets three samojis.

-Yes!

Well, just for good measure,

I think you all should put some of that gravy on your dishes right now.

Pop the gravy and pour it on.

I need it. My soul needs it.

I haven't seen it for...

Yes! There you go, Bridie.

It's time to discover just how good it really is.

Bonus samojis for parents that don't just try it,

they also have to show me they love it.

Everyone say, "Mmmm"!

-ALL:

-Mmm!

-Dig in, dig in.

Maisie's dad.

Show me you love it!

OK! Here goes.

Mmm!

Come on!

Aman's mum. How much do you love it, Aman's mum?

Anything that's made with love.

That's the best ever.

Bridie, how much does your mum love it?

She loves it. She's just had another spoonful.

Everyone gets bonus samojis because everyone's parents tried it out.

Congratulations.

Bonus samojis for everyone.

Maisie, come closer to me and look me in the eye.

Maisie, would you like a sneaky little samoji?

I asked your dad earlier to tell me what the one thing he does

that embarrasses you the most.

If you can tell me what he said, I'll give you an extra samoji, OK?

Tells jokes, but they're awful,

and I go red, because they sound stupid.

No! That is not the correct answer, Maisie.

You just lost an extra samoji.

The correct answer was cleaning his glasses with a pair of pants.

Oh, no! Now the world knows it.

Sorry, Maisie. Maybe next time.

We're so close to the end now.

I can smell the samojis.

Bridie has four.

Aman has six.

And just holding on to the lead is Maisie, with seven samojis.

Get ready for Toilet Takedown.

Everyone to the bathroom!

Take me to your toilets.

Come on, Maisie. Pick me up. Two games in the bag.

Bring on the next challenge.

Players, you need to write your answers

on the closest thing to paper -

which, in the bathroom, is the loo roll.

Or your dad's newspaper.

Here comes the question. Is everyone ready?

Yes.

In April 2014, a man named Hristo Terziyski

broke the world record for the most swimming caps worn at once.

But how many swimming caps was that?

In April 2014, a man named Hristo Terziyski

broke the world record for the most swimming caps worn at once.

But how many swimming caps was that?

All right. Come to the screen and hold up your answers.

Let's see what you guys wrote down.

Maisie, what does yours say?

4,000 swim hats.

Swim hats! I like you.

-Bridie, what does you say?

-74.

-OK, what about you, Aman?

-75.

That is insane, because the correct answer is 75!

Aman, that is amazing. Three samojis for you.

Bridie, you were so close,

so I'm going to have to give you one extra samoji for that.

Yeah!

Great job. Oh, good.

It's Loo Tube time. Check this out.

Look, it's a little shark.

The dog is a shark, too, I guess.

For an extra samoji, I'm going to ask you a question

about this clip I just showed you and first one to flush the loo

gets to answer.

There's a dog featured in the clip

but what type of shark was it dressed up as?

Maisie, you're first. What's your answer?

A blue shark.

Oh, it's not what I was looking for.

Bridie, you were next. What do you think it is?

-A hammer shark.

-Yes! That's right, Bridie.

You get one extra samoji for that.

Let's take a look at the samoji board.

Bridie has six.

Maisie has seven.

And our new leader is Aman, with nine.

Competitors, go forth to the lounge.

It's time to play Remotely Funny Family.

Let's go to the living room. Everyone to the living room.

Come on, everyone. I'm getting bored here.

Come on, come on. Onwards to samoji-winning glory.

OK, everyone. I can see your backing singers are with you.

I mean, your parents are here.

Bridie, you're not a big fan of your mum's singing.

-Why is that?

-It's embarrassing.

All it is, is like, "Rr-h-rerr".

Well, we'll see about that.

Maisie, can you do an impression of your dad's singing voice?

-"Na-na-na-na."

-I'm sure he doesn't sound like that.

Aman, does your mum like to sing?

She doesn't sing, at all.

We're about to find out just how good they are.

Players, find something your mums and dads can use as microphones.

Anything. It could be a cucumber, TV remotes, hairspray can.

Come on, we need a microphone for Mum or Dad.

Maisie, what did you get your dad?

A remote control.

If it can be used as a microphone, it's completely correct.

Bridie, what did you get?

I got a thermometer, which tells the temperature of the room.

Interesting. That's very creative, indeed.

Well, Aman, what do you have?

-The house phone.

-OK.

Parents, I want you to really show off your vocal ability,

or lack of it, in this game.

Remember, you're performing like your kid's pride depends on it.

Which it does, so don't let them down.

I'm going to play each of you a song and when the music stops,

you need to finish the lyrics.

If you don't know the lyrics, make them up.

I'll also be awarding points for your performance style overall.

Bridie's mum, you're setting the tone.

Play the song!

# ..My love was burning

# Yeah, it's still burning

-# I keep... #

-KLAXON

# Going to the river to pray

# And I need

# Something that can wash out the pain

# Cos I need...

THEY MUMBLE

Good job! Wow! You actually knew the song.

Wow, Bridie, your mum was almost word perfect

but here's what the song actually sounds like.

# I keep going to the river to pray

# Cos I need something that can wash all the pain

-# And at most... #

-Aman's mum, it is your turn.

Hit the music.

# Just like she already owned it

# I said, "Can you give it back to me?"

# She said, "Never in your wildest dreams..." #

-KLAXON

-Just make it up.

-# Come on, come on...

-Anything.

# La, la, la-la-la

# Come on, let's go a-way

# Come on, let's go away

# Let's go away-a-a

# Let's go away-a-a. #

Aman, you just completely saved your mum there.

But here's what she should have sung.

# And we danced all night to the best song ever

# We knew every line

# Now I can't remember

# How it goes, but I know... #

And finally, last, but definitely not least, it's Maisie's dad.

Go, track!

# I won't give up without a fight

# I just want to oh-oh baby... #

-KLAXON

-# The melody's great

# And I like this song And it sounds like something

# I might want to sing

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# Yeah, yeah, whatever that goes like

# But I'm going to keep singing along

# Because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. #

Well, Maisie's dad, I really appreciate the effort

but it wasn't good enough.

You were lacking in the lyrics department.

But here's the real deal.

# I just want you to dance with me tonight... #

Bridie, you get three samojis for best performance.

Aman, you get one samoji for style, because you saved your mum.

Maisie, you get one samoji for cringe.

So, let's loop.

# Cos I need... #

-# Come on... #

-# Ohh! #

-# Cos I need... #

-# Come on... #

-# Ohh! #

-# Cos I need... #

-# Come on... #

-# Ohh! #

Oi! Aman, come close.

For an extra samoji, what did your mum say

when I asked her what she has to nag you about the most?

Tidying up my room and stuff.

Yes. You get an extra samoji for that. Congratulations.

Let's see who's singing to the sweet sound of my samojis.

Maisie has eight.

Bridie has nine.

And Aman has stretched his lead with 11 samojis.

Say goodbye to the family.

Everyone leave the room.

-ALL:

-Bye!

-Bye.

It's the last chance to win big.

Now, go and get a buzzer.

I've got mine.

TING, TING!

CLANG!

TOY CAR ENGINE WHIRS

STRUM!

Lovely. Everyone come a little closer to the camera for me, please.

This game is called Say What You See Mojis.

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins the hallowed samojis.

First, Say What You See Moji. Here we go.

-Bridie.

-Coffee break.

Yes. Three samojis for you, Bridie. Good job.

Here comes the next one.

-Maisie.

-Disco ball.

No.

Bridie.

Strictly Come Dancing.

Yes. Another three samojis for you for that.

Good job, Bridie. So, the final one is...

-Maisie.

-Kung Fu Panda.

Yes! You get three samojis, Maisie. Good job.

That's it. An incredible samoji showdown

and I can reveal, today's Remotely Funny winner is...

..Bridie!

Yeah!

Great job, Bridie.

Bridie, I will be sending you the famous Remotely Funny hoodie.

Maisie and Aman, you don't go home empty-handed.

We will be sending you a surprise Remotely Funny souvenir.

All right, everyone. Get your families back in the room.

Shout for them.

Big, big, big thanks to you, Bridie, Aman and Maisie and your families

for letting Remotely Funny turn your homes into madhouses.

You've been immense. It's been remote.

And we've all been pretty funny.

Play the music. Zai jian!

Thank you so much, everyone! Thank you!

Yeah!