Poland Remotely Funny

Oh, hello! Welcome to Remotely Funny!

# Yeah!

-# Na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na

-Whoo-whoo

-# Na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na

-Whoo-whoo

-# Na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na

-Whoo-whoo

-# Na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na

-Whoo-whoo

-# Na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na

-Whoo-whoo

# Oooh, yeah! #

Hi, everyone. My name is Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

the show that has the power to go anywhere in the UK and dive right

into your living room so you never need to leave your house ever again.

Ha-ha! I'm serious.

I'm coming in wirelessly,

hijacking your home and then offering you prizes.

You can play if you're in your PJs,

you can play if you're grounded,

you can even play if your dad's being stingy about petrol

cos there's absolutely no travelling involved whatsoever.

Today, I'm in Poland.

Let's meet my Remotely Funny contestants.

First up is Jessica. Hello, Jessica.

-Hey.

-Hi.

Jessica's 12 years old and lives by the sea in County Down,

Northern Ireland.

She loves sailing, boogie boarding and has just started windsurfing.

Jessica's weirdest habit is dipping her chips into her drink and

then eating them.

Tell me who's with you today.

I'm here with my brother Xander, my sister Tara,

my brother Nicky and my mum Catherine.

Great to meet you.

-Your dad's a fisherman.

-Yeah.

-Talk to me about scampi and chips.

-What is that?

-Well, scampi is the end meat of a prawn and...

-It's cooked in batter at a high temperature.

-It's so nice.

It's absolutely gorgeous.

You've got me hook, line and sinker. Well, it is time to meet Matthew.

Matthew, say hello to Jessica and family.

-Hello! Hi, Jessica.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Wrong hand.

Matthew's 13 years old, from County Durham.

His hobbies include break dancing,

playing the guitar, and the ukulele.

He admits to only wearing one sock when he's in the house

and he's not a fan of olives.

-Who are you with?

-I'm with my step-dad Alistair,

my cousin Ashley and my mum Lynne.

Is it true that your mum makes you busk on holiday

so you can pay your way?

It's a bit more optional but, eh...essentially, yeah.

Can I see some proof of your talent?

# I knew I wouldn't forget you

# And so I went and let

# You blow my mind... #

Lovely, Matthew, lovely!

Finally, we're connecting to...Emma! Hello, Emma.

-Everyone, say hello to Emma.

-Hello!

-Hi!

-Hi!

12-year-old Emma's from Dorset.

Her nicknames include Emmy and Baby Buglet.

She enjoys dancing and rollercoasters but hates

marshmallows.

If Emma was Prime Minister she would paint absolutely everything pink.

-Emma, who are you with?

-I'm with my big sister Lauren and my dad Theo.

Well, wonderful to meet you.

Emma, you're all about singing and dancing.

Can I see just a bit of your favourite dance move?

Ready?

Wow! I was not expecting that but I love it.

You definitely are one talented bunch, everyone.

But it's time to move. Families, get out of town!

Or at least the room, for starters.

You're no longer required. Leave me with my players.

Let me tell you what you could be running off into the distance with -

firstly, the unbeatable title of Remotely Funny Champion,

and secondly, the all-singing, all-dancing,

hood-tastic Remotely Funny hoodie.

It's basically priceless.

If you sold it online you would get nothing for it!

No, really. Priceless.

And you can order yours today by winning this game.

Now, I know you lot have said you're up for it but I need you to

prove it. Show me your game faces!

Yes! Let's play.

This is Bedroom Bonanza.

The rules are simple - I name something, you have to collect it.

The first one back with the item wins three of my Samojis.

The first item I want you to get is the biggest thing you can find

that's red.

Go, go, go! Oh!

Matthew, you are first.

-But is that really the biggest thing you could find?

-Yeah, in this room.

What about Jessica? Wow, OK, I like that.

Where's Emma?

Oh, there she is. Matthew, what is that?

-It's a phone case.

-Emma, what do you have there?

I've got my mum's coat.

-Wonderful. What about you, Jessica?

-It's my touch lamp.

I love that you put some thought behind that.

However, Matthew, you were first so you get three Samojis.

Emma, yours was the biggest so you get one extra Samoji for that.

Next item - I want to see something...borrowed.

Bring me something that's borrowed, that's not your own,

that you had to borrow from someone. It could be anything.

Oh, Emma is back first! And Matthew second.

And Jessica third. Ooh, Jessica, you borrowed someone's phone?

-To play games on.

-Emma, what do you have?

I have a highlighter that my sister gave me.

What about you, Matthew?

-These are my step-dad's glasses.

-Wonderful.

-Emma was back first so, Emma, you get three Samojis.

-Whoo!

And the final item I want you to get is something you would

pretend is new and give to a friend as a present. You got that?

Go get me something you would pretend is new and give to

a friend as a present. Ooh, Jessica, what is that?

It is a summer rain and forest berries candle.

I am completely and utterly obsessed with scented candles.

What about you, Emma, what do you have?

-Well, I've got a pillow.

-Do your friends like pillows?

Just one.

I'm just going to have to take that. Matthew, what is that?

It's a dressing gown.

Which one of your friends would like your old dressing gown?

-None of them.

-You would be pretending it's new, so, you know...

However, Jessica, you were back first so you get three Samojis.

Yaaaas!

Ooh! Look at you with the internet make-up lingo.

"Yass, girl, highlight it to the gods."

Matthew, I'm obsessed with dressing gowns so you get one Samoji.

Yay.

Let's see some Samojis.

There's a rumble in my tumble which can only mean one thing -

it's time to raid the fridge for Food Flash!

# Ooooh, yeah! #

Everyone to the kitchen!

And make sure you wash your hands, you little mung monsters.

Take me to the kitchen.

Come on, peeps, you got Samojis to win and there's still four more

horrendously hard games to come.

I still like a taste of home every now and then because in Finland -

where I'm from - we have the most superb cuisine,

and for this game I'm going to show you a Food Flash picture of one

of my favourite Finnish dishes and you have 45 seconds to recreate it.

Samojis for the player who makes their dish look as close to

the picture as possible.

A Finnish kitchen is a waste of space without at least one

bottle of ruskeakastike.

Or gravy to you.

Everyone, make me proud to be Finnish and shout,

"I love ruskeakastike!"

-ALL: "I love ruskeakastike!" MATTHEW:

-La-da-da-da-da.

Great job. Today's dish is called... SHE SPEAKS DIFFERENT LANGUAGE

And here it is.

This delight is made up of mushed petits pois, inorganic party

ring eyes tenderly removed from the biscuit tin and nestled on

the puffy pea.

Next, crunchy packet-bought tortillas are skilfully

styled into horns,

fresh tinned carrot batons

and plain bouja are sculpted as teeth.

The visage effect is achieved by a few positioned squirts of

ketchup and, of course,

a healthy dollop of the famous Finnish gravy, ruskeakastike.

SHE SNIFFS

Ah! Delicious.

APPLAUSE

TIMER BEEPS

Start cooking!

Start shouting orders!

You're going to need all the help you can get.

Matthew, shout for your parents.

I forgot my...

INDISTINCT CHATTER

-Emma, tell me where you are with your dish.

-I can't open it!

You don't have all day. Jessica, don't forget the gravy.

The gravy is the most important part of the whole dish.

No-one can forget the gravy.

Come on, Matthew, I see you're good at team work.

What about you, Jessica? Come on, get everyone into it!

I repeat, do not forget the gravy. Do not forget the gravy!

Three, two, one!

KLAXON BLARES Stop cooking!

Put everything down. It is time to take a look at your finished dishes.

Jessica, show me your dish.

It is mushed peas, tortilla chips and gravy.

Wonderful. You can put it down now.

Emma, show me your dish and tell me about it.

For the face you've got some mushy peas and some carrots

and some spicy noodle-y things.

-And some gravy.

-Wow, that came right off the shelf.

Matthew, it's time for you to show your dish and tell me about it.

That's mushy peas, some party rings, we have some carrots,

some crushed tortilla chips, we have some noodles

which really tops off the brilliance of this dish.

Then we have some Smarties just to zazz it up a little bit.

-I think it goes well together.

-Wonderful.

Emma, your dish looked the closest to the original picture

-so you get three Samojis.

-Whoo!

Matthew, you get one extra Samoji because you really sold the dish

-to me.

-Thank you! It's very easy to sell as it is, absolutely sublime.

That's good. It is time to discover just how good it really is.

Bonus Samojis for parents that don't just try it but show complete

commitment to the dish. Come on, get your parents to try it.

-We need a big spoon.

-Mushy peas as well.

There we go. Jessica, get your mum to eat it and taste it and enjoy it.

I see Emma's father is going in with it and he is actually enjoying it.

Going in a third, not a fourth, but the fifth time with his lovely fork.

Both Matthew's mother and step-dad is enjoying it. How lovely.

-Come on, Dad.

-Everyone gets bonus Samojis for trying it out.

Great job, everyone.

Jessica, lean in and bring your face next to mine. Your mum told me

she does an impression that really embarrasses you.

For an extra Samoji, what did she say it was?

I think it's when a music beat gets faster, she goes...

And gets really into the song. And it's...

That sounds like feeling the beat.

Well, that just cost you your extra Samoji because the correct answer

was she does a Yoda impression that you really hate.

Jessica's mum, it's only right that we hear it.

Can you come to the camera and show us?

-AS YODA:

-Oh, Yoda!

That is disturbing. Let's see our Samoji situation.

SHE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK POLISH

I actually have no clue how to pronounce that cos I'm not Polish

but it means, "Where's the toilet?"

Let's go to the toilet!

Everyone, take me to the toilet, it is time for Toilet Takedown.

Dad, it don't stretch.

Is everyone hovering, ready to go?

You need to write your answers on the closest thing to paper,

which in the bathroom is, of course, loo roll.

And here comes the question.

The UK's Pollyanna Woodward holds the world record

for the longest journey ever taken using a water jetpack.

But how far in miles did she travel?

The UK's Pollyanna Woodward holds the world record

for the longest journey ever taken using a water jetpack.

But how far in miles did she travel?

KLAXON BLARES

-OK, does everyone have an answer?

-Yeah.

Tear it off and bring it to the screen.

-Emma, what does yours say?

-20 miles.

-What about you, Matthew?

-20 miles.

-Jessica?

-8 miles.

Well, the correct answer

is 22.64 miles so that means,

Emma and Matthew, you both get three Samojis.

-Yes!

-Please put your loo rolls and pens down.

Forget reading on the toilet - I prefer to watch LooTube.

Check out my catch from the hood.

MUSIC: Turn Down For What By DJ Snake, Lil Jon

For an extra Samoji, I'm going to ask you

a question about the LooTube clip.

The first one to flush the toilet gets to answer, OK?

What colour and pattern

were the blankets the cats were rocking out on?

Matthew?

-Was it...checkered?

-No!

That is not the correct answer. What about you, Emma?

-Red and it had, like, tartan on it.

-Yes! That is the correct answer.

-You get an extra Samoji.

-Whoo!

Let's take a look at the Samoji board.

It is time to move to the living room.

All right, contenders, onwards!

Just two more Samoji-winning games to go.

Who will be crowned our winner?

It is time to play Remotely Funny Families, but first,

-Emma - you like to perform, right?

-Yeah.

Your dad told me he likes to really embarrass you

when he comes to support you.

For an extra Samoji, what does he say he does?

He shouts out my name before any, like, performance.

Yes. That is the correct answer, you get an extra Samoji for that.

-Whoo!

-Emma's dad, I need to see an example of that.

Yeah, go, Em!

She's already dying. Well, there's still time for the tables to turn.

Emma, what's your dad's own performance skills like?

-He's got two left feet.

-Oh, wonderful.

Well, we'll see about that.

Matthew, we know you can hold a tune but what's your mum's voice like?

Eh, it's all right. Yeah.

It's all right? OK, well, Jessica, what about your mum?

Can you show me how she sings?

THEY LAUGH

No? It's that bad? We're about to find out just how good they are.

Parents, are you ready to Finish The Lyrics?

Oooh!

So, players, find something your parents can use as a microphone.

It could be anything, use your imagination,

it could be utensils, hairspray.

-All right, Jessica, what do you have there?

-A Wii remote.

-Wonderful.

-Emma, what about you?

-Television remote.

-Matthew, do you have a remote, too?

-Yes.

-It'll just have to do.

Parents, I want you to really show off your vocal ability -

or lack of it - in this game. Don't let your kids down.

This footage will last forever. Keep that mind.

And make sure you do it in style.

I'm going to play each of you a song and when the music stops,

you need to finish the lyrics.

OK? And if you don't know the lyrics, make them up.

Matthew's mum, you're going first. Play the song!

# You held me down, but I got up

# Get ready cos I've had enough

# I see it all, I see it now

# I got the eye of the

# Tiger

# Da-da-da, da-da-da... #

SHE LAUGHS

# La-la-la-ha-ha

# You're gonna hear me roar

# Ooh! #

I love that. Well, Matthew, how do you feel about that?

It was certainly entertaining.

I can see where you get the singing abilities.

THEY LAUGH

-Very strong in my family.

-Matthew's mum,

it was a promising start but you should have sung like this.

# A fighter

# Dancing through the fire

# Cos I am a champion

# And you're gonna hear me roar... #

Jessica, it's your mum's turn now. Hit the music.

# To go to plan

# I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand... #

All right.

# Oh, won't you

# Stay with me

# Cos you're all I need... #

Come on!

# I don't know the words

# So I'm gonna fake it till the end. #

That was wonderful.

Jessica, your little brother was awesome but your mum should

have sounded more like this.

# Won't you stay with me?

# Cos you're all I need... #

And, finally, last but hopefully not least,

Emma's dad. Go, track!

# I'm up on him, he up on me

# Don't pay him any attention

# I cried my tears for three good years

# You can't be mad at me

# If you like it then you

# Should have put a ring on it

# If you like it, put a ring on it

# Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh

# Whoa-oh, whoa-oh-oh

# If you like it then you're gonna put a ring on it... #

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

LAUGHTER

Wonderful!

Emma, your dad gave Beyonce a run for her money but here's the

real deal.

# Cos if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

# Don't be mad once you see that he want it

# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it... #

Matthew's mum, you get one Samoji for style.

Jessica's mum, you get one Samoji for cringe.

Emma's dad, you get three Samojis for overall best performance.

CHEERING

-Whoo!

-That was amazing.

It's time to loop.

# Stay with me

-# Whoa-oh-oh

-# Oooh!

-# Me

-# Whoa-oh-oh

-# Oooh!

-# Me

-# Whoa-oh-oh

-# Oooh! #

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Matthew, come closer, will ya?

Earlier, I asked your mum to tell me the one thing she does that

embarrasses you the most. If you can tell me what she said,

I'll give you a little something extra.

Is it showing embarrassing baby pictures?

That is the correct answer, Matthew!

-You get one extra Samoji for that.

-Yay!

I'm in your house so why have I not seen them yet?

There better be a diaper picture. Oh, Matthew, you're so cute!

BABY TALK

Much cuter now, though.

-Aw.

-Aw.

Samojis are like music to my ears.

It's the last chance to win big and you're on your own now.

Your parents can't save you, so out with the parents. Get out!

I only need my contestants.

OK, everyone, come closer to me, will ya?

I need all of your attention.

It's the last chance to win big and this game is called

Say What You Seemojis.

Look at my Samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

The first person to buzz in and answer correctly wins the

final Samojis. Now, go and get a buzzer.

Anything you can find that will get my attention. Matthew, what is that?

-A horn.

-HORN TOOTS

Emma, what is that?

Fart machine.

ELECTRONIC FART

I've seen this one before. Jessica, what did you get?

-A whistle.

-WHISTLE TOOTS

Superb buzzers. First one - Say What You Seemoji.

HORN TOOTS

Matthew, what is this?

-Crying baby.

-Not quite. Very close.

Jessica, you were next, what is it?

-Crying baby.

-No. What about you, Emma, what do you think?

-Cry baby.

-Yes!

Emma, you get three Samojis for that.

Great job. Here comes the next one.

It's a song. Any idea?

HORN TOOTS Matthew, what is it?

-Hold Back The River.

-Yes!

-That means three Samojis for you.

-Yay.

And the final one is a TV show.

So I see a TV...there's a sofa...

HORN TOOTS Matthew?

-Is it Gogglebox?

-Yes!

That just got you three more Samojis.

-Yay!

-That's it, an incredible Samoji showdown. So silence, please.

I can reveal...

SHE IMITATES DRUMROLL

..today's Remotely Funny winner is...

-..Emma!

-Yeah!

-Yay!

-Emma, congratulations.

Ooh, that's a Finnish celebration.

Fetch me some sausage!

That's a Polish one.

Emma, I will be sending you TV's hottest merchandise -

the Remotely Funny hoodie.

Matthew and Jessica, you don't go home empty-handed -

we'll be sending you a totally awesome Remotely Funny souvenir.

Now, get your families back in the room!

THEY SHOUT

Dad!

Mum, are you coming?

Now, big thanks to you, Matthew, Jessica and Emma

and your families, of course,

for letting Remotely Funny turn your homes into mad houses.

You've been immense, it's been remote

and we've all been pretty funny. Play the music!

SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

# Oooh, yeah!

-# Na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na

-Whoo-whoo

-# Na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na

-Whoo-whoo

-# Na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na

-Whoo-whoo

-# Na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na

-Whoo-whoo... #

Bye-bye, it was really nice to meet you, everyone.

-# Na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na

-Whoo-whoo

# Oooh, yeah! #