India Remotely Funny

Welcome to Remotely Funny!

Hi, everyone. I'm Saara, and this is Remotely Funny,

the show that has the power to go anywhere in the UK

and dive right into your living room,

so you never need to leave your house ever again!

I'm coming in wireless, hijacking your home,

and then offering you prizes.

You can play if you're in your PJs, you can play if you're grounded,

you can play if it's raining cats and dogs and you have allergies.

Today, I'm in India.

Where are my contestants?

Let's meet them!

Today's Remotely Funny players -

first up it's Tyger! Hello, Tyger.

Yeah!

Ten-year-old Tyger is from Tyne And Wear,

she loves writing stories and playing on her scooter.

When she grows up, she would like to

be a singer, actor, or even a spy!

Who's with you today?

This is my dad, this is my cat,

and this is my mum.

And who's that behind you? I see someone at the door.

My brother!

Hello, brother, nice to meet you too.

Apparently the only languages you speak are cat and dog.

I mean, that's still pretty impressive.

Can you show me some of those?

SHE BARKS

No way! That sounds so real!

What about cats?

SHE MEOWS

THE CAT MEOWS

THEY LAUGH

Did the cat understand what you said?

She's saying, "Stop annoying me."

Tyger's dad - you're an actor.

Let's do an improv warm-up with both of you.

Picture the scene - you've just been told you've won Remotely Funny.

What do you do?

-HE CRIES

-Yes!

Is that crying out of joy?

Of course, you can have your own reactions.

Next up on my Remotely Funny hotline of dreams is Rocco!

Rocco and his band of merry men.

Say hello to Tyger and her clique.

-ALL:

-Hi!

Rocco is 12 years old, and from Surrey.

He likes playing on his guitar, mixed martial arts,

and annoying his sister, but hates sesame prawns.

He always sleeps in,

so he has FOUR alarm clocks to get him up in the morning.

Who are you with today?

Um, I'm with my mum and my sister.

Rocco, I hear you have a gym at the bottom of your garden. Why?

My mum uses it, mostly.

Does she use it for gardening or going to the actual gym?

Going to the actual gym, yeah.

OK, so who's doing the gardening?

-No-one.

-No-one. It's a bit of a jungle.

What kind of team-mate would your mum be?

A very useless one!

Why do have her with you, then?!

I had no choice.

So, finally, we're connecting to Amy!

Everyone say hello to Amy!

Hi, Amy.

Amy is ten years old and from Birmingham.

She loves singing and dancing, the heart-eyed emoji,

gherkins and her two dogs, Coco and Poppy.

Amy hates walking, so prefers to skip and run everywhere.

Amy, who are you with today?

My mum,

the Bichon Frise, Poppy,

-the Chihuahua, Coco.

-Yes!

We love a dog on this show!

DOG BARKS

Whoa! OK - bye, dogs!

Not feeling it.

Amy's mum - you've been preparing for this competition

by swimming and walking the dogs.

How do you think that'll help you today?

Well, I'll have lots of energy for the challenges.

I love that. That's exactly what you need.

Families, can you just go and check that the other rooms

in the house are still there?

No need to come back and let us know.

See ya!

Go! Get away! Gahh!

Great. I only need my contenders now.

Rocco, Tyger and Amy, come closer.

Of course there's a mahoosive prize on offer

to the one who can achieve greatness,

with the bumper jumper I like to call the Remotely Funny hoodie.

Look at it! Imagine yourselves wearing it! Order yours today...

by winning this game.

OK, players, show me your best game faces.

Rrarr!

THEY ROAR/SCREAM

This is Bedroom Bonanza.

The rules are simple - I name something,

you have to collect it for me.

The first one back with the item wins three

of my rarer-than-hens-teeth samojis.

Item number one.

Go get me something from under your bed.

Go! Get me something from under your bed.

The first one back wins three samojis. Tyger's back first.

Here we go.

Amy, what did you bring me?

A whiteboard pen!

What about you, Tyger, what do you have?

A comb slash...brush.

I would ask, "Why was that under the bed?"

But I have, like, three of those under my bed,

so let's not even go there.

Rocco, what do you have?

Um... A perfume box.

-A perfume box?

-My sister's.

-Under your bed?

Your sister's perfume box under YOUR bed?

Why is that?

When she runs out of space, she puts it in my room.

Oh, OK.

Tyger, you were back first, so you get three samojis!

Woohoo! Yeah!

Rocco, because I think that was super-weird, you get one samoji!

Item number two.

Get me something you would wear on your back.

Come on.

You can use your little creative minds with this.

It doesn't have to be... Oh, and Rocco is back first.

Hmm.

Amy and Tyger are back. Great.

Amy, what did you bring me?

A bag!

Interesting. That doesn't look like a backpack, though,

so how would you wear that on your back?

I'm sure you'll get interesting stares downtown.

Rocco, what did you bring me.

Shoes!

OK, so, how would you wear shoes on your back?

You'd tie them like this and then you'd just sling them over.

Tyger, what did you bring me?

A jacket!

Rocco, you were back first, so, Rocco, you get three samojis!

HE HUMS

And, Tyger, you get a bonus samoji, because you were the only one

to bring anything back that you can actually wear on your back.

SHE SCREAMS

Onto the next item. Item number three.

Get me something hideous

from your parent's wardrobe.

And it's...

Whoa! Amy!

You parent's wardrobe is kind of close.

OK, and Rocco's back and Tyger is too.

Amy, explain - is your parent's wardrobe right behind the laptop?

No. I stole this, like, a couple of weeks ago.

Rocco, what did you bring me?

It's a skirt...

-OK.

-..that should be burned in fire.

-THEY LAUGH

Next up, Tyger.

What do you have there?

My dad's black sock!

How can a black sock be hideous?

Because it's very smelly!

Come on, Tyger, give it a sniff.

It's horrible! Euch!

SAARA LAUGHS

Amy, you were back first,

so you get three samojis!

Hey, Tyger - earlier,

I asked your dad what thing annoys him most in the house.

Get this right, and I'll give you an extra samoji.

What do you think annoys your dad most in the house?

When I stay in the shower for too long?

No! That's not the correct answer.

The correct answer was...

you and your siblings are always picking up the cat,

who doesn't like it.

You guys get charged a pound every time they do it,

and they currently owe £7.

And I never give him the money.

Wow.

It's time for me to dish out some samojis,

like an over-excited sprinkler system.

Amy's got three, but tied with four are Rocco and Tyger!

I don't know about you, but I've been overeating here in India,

so a trip to the toilet would really help me out.

Let's go to the bathroom!

Four more games to go, and the next one takes place on the loo.

In this game, you guess the answer.

Closest gets the samojis.

Write your answers on the closest thing to paper,

which, in the bathroom, is the loo roll.

How many times a week does a sloth poop?

Let's see what you guys have.

Four!

One!

Seven!

The correct answer is once a week!

So, Tyger, you get three samojis!

SHE SCREAMS

Yes, you heard correctly - once a week.

Imagine all the things they must get done,

if they don't spend all the time on the toilet.

Let's recompose ourselves with a LooTube clip.

For an extra samoji, I'm going to ask you a question

based on the LooTube clip,

and the first one to flush the loo gets to answer.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my goodness, how's that physically possible?

It has such a tiny mouth, and those peanuts are so big!

The question is - what colour was the bowl the chipmunk

was eating the nuts from?

TOILET FLUSHES Rocco, you were first.

What do you think the answer is?

Red.

Yes, Rocco, that's the correct answer!

The bowl was red.

You get one samoji.

Oi, Amy, come a bit closer.

Earlier, I asked your mum,

who was the worst cook in the house.

And what did she say?

Herself.

Yes! The correct answer is she's a terrible cook.

She can't get anything to rise if she bakes.

She's quite good at making pancakes.

-True.

-Pancakes, you get it?

Because they're flat!

SHE LAUGHS

That's the end of Toilet Takedown.

Let's see who's swimming in samojis.

Amy's on four, Rocco's moved onto five,

and Tyger takes the lead with seven.

SHE SCREAMS

To the kitchen for Food Flash!

Take me to the kitchen.

I'm now in the hallway.

Two games down! Catch those samojis while they're hot!

Rocco, are we there yet?

Yes, we are!

For this game, I'm going to show you a Food Flash picture

of one of my favourite Finnish dishes,

and you have 45 seconds to recreate it.

Samojis for the player who makes their dish look

as close to the picture as possible.

A Finnish celebration can not be

truly enjoyed without

lashings of gravy.

When people say, "It's a different kind of gravy",

they're talking about ruskeakastike.

I want you to tell that gravy

how much it means to you. Go!

Tell it to the gravy!

I will have you with every meal!

I will use you in every single dish, I promise!

Lovely. I feel a lot happier, instantly.

Rocco, it's your chance to add a bonus point to your score.

Come closer.

How well do you think you know your mum?

-A lot.

-Mm-hmm.

Well, I spoke to her earlier, and she said this -

somebody in the house breaks plates and glasses and tries to deny it.

So, for one extra samoji, tell me who she was thinking about.

My sister.

No! That's the wrong answer, Rocco -

it's you!

Oh, you're so mean!

I don't break anything!

Oh, your mum's a snitch.

HE LAUGHS

Today's dish is a true winner.

It's known locally as Twig And Let Live.

And here it is.

Today, our contestants will be giving dehydrated potato starch

what it has coming to it...

by slapping it on a plate and pelting snowballs at it.

They'll then prod it with Twiglets before surrounding it

with a moat of squeezy cheese, so it can't escape.

Now, trapped, they'll teach it one final lesson,

by dousing in in Finnish gravy.

Start cooking!

I want carnage in the kitchen! Come on, now, Tyger!

SHE SHOUTS

You need the team! Here we go.

I see father is coming for aid.

Every ingredient there is!

You need to make this dish perfect!

CRASH!

SAARA LAUGHS

Amy's mum is in there as well.

Amy! Tell me what you're doing!

I'm making the Smash...

really good.

Great. No-one forget the gravy.

The gravy is the most important thing in the whole dish.

Four, three, two, one!

Stop cooking!

Put everything down.

It is time to take a look at your "Finnished" dishes.

Rocco, tell me something about this dish you just made.

This dish is the finest of its kind.

Amy, give me a posh explanation.

-POSH VOICE:

-It is very posh!

Tyger! What is your dish looking like?

This is amazing.

It's, like, so tasty.

Rocco...

your dish looks just like the picture,

so you get three samojis!

Yeah!

But, Tyger, for some reason

you managed to get cow hearts

on your plate, so you get one extra samoji.

SHE SCREAMS

Parents - for an extra samoji, dig in!

I want to see you enjoy that dish.

Rocco's mum, you better love it!

The cheese, the Twiglet, everything - mmm!

Oh, Rocco's mum's really going for it.

Amy's mum, come on, come on. I know you can do it.

I'm going to push it in your face(!)

Rocco, did your mum go puke, or something?

No! She loved it too much.

She had to go make more.

SAARA LAUGHS

Everyone gets bonus samojis for trying it out! Congratulations.

THEY CHEER

Great job, parents, great job.

Amy moves on to five,

and Tyger and Rocco are tied in the lead once again, with nine!

THEY CHEER

It's time to meet your Remotely Funny families!

To the living room!

Only two more samoji-winning chances left!

Now, Amy, I hope you think your mum's moves are cool,

otherwise your face is about to be the same colour as your hair.

Hold up, and show me that your pedometers are set to zero.

Now, put the pedometers on.

Take a look at these crazy moves.

You're about to lose all confidence

in your ability to deliver them.

MUSIC: Mundian To Bach Ke by Panjabi MC

THEY LAUGH

SHE SINGS ALONG

Oh. Sorry.

Parents - dance!

And don't bhangra your heads!

MUSIC: Mundian To Bach Ke by Panjabi MC

Now, guys, tell your parents to work faster!

Faster!

Oh, Rocco's mum, she really got the gist of it.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, that is painful.

Ooh, Tyger's dad!

He definitely is an actor.

Amy's mum, come on!

You can do better than that!

Move those legs!

THEY LAUGH

OK, stop dancing, stop dancing, everyone. Eurgh.

Come back to the camera, everyone.

Now...

Tyger's dad, you get one samoji

for overall best performance.

-THEY SCREAM

-Come on!

Wonderful.

Amy's mum, you get one samoji for cringe!

THEY LAUGH

Congratulations.

Now, everyone hold up your pedometers.

This is the science!

Amy's says 78.

Rocco's says 75.

And Tyger's says 87!

Tyger, you get three samojis for most steps on pedometer.

THEY SCREAM

OK, peeps. Let's loop.

Hi... OK. OK, I'll let them know.

Thanks.

Matt, that was the Association of Dad Dancing,

and they want to make you a lifetime member.

Yes!

Now, let's look at those samojis.

Amy's got six, Rocco stays on nine,

but leaping into the lead is Tyger on 13!

THEY SCREAM

Mums, dads, I heard there's a rumpus at the roller disco.

You should probably go check that out! We've got business to do.

Come on! Leave!

I only need Amy, Tyger and Rocco.

OK. This is your last chance, peeps.

You can do this!

Well, one of you can.

Now, go and get a buzzer!

Anything you can find that makes a deafening noise.

Does everyone have their buzzers?

I've got mine.

HER BANGLES JANGLE

BELL RINGS

TOY SQUEAKS

PAN LID CLANGS

This game is called Say What You See-mojis.

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

First person to buzz in

and answer correctly

wins the sizzling samojis.

First Say What You See-moji...

It's a phrase. PAN LID CLANGS

Rocco, what is it?

Raining cats and dogs.

Yes! That's the correct answer,

Rocco - it's raining cats and dogs.

You get three samojis.

Yay!

OK. Here comes the next one.

What is this?

PAN LID CLANGS/BELL RINGS

Rocco, what is it?

Starfish.

Yes! That's right, Rocco,

the correct answer is starfish.

That's another three samojis for you, congratulations.

And the final one is a TV show.

TOY SQUEAKS

Tyger, what is it?

The Great British Bake off!

Yes, Tyger, that's correct, it's The Great British Bake Off.

You get three samojis.

Yay! Yeeeaaah!

Game's up.

They had each others' backs in the bedroom, went to the toilet,

conquered the kitchen and saw each other squirm in the sitting room.

I can reveal that today's Remotely Funny winner is...

..Tyger! With 16 points.

Congratulations, Tyger.

SHE SQUEALS

Celebrate the Finnish way - give your reindeer the night off,

and both hit the sauna.

But if you want to celebrate Bollywood style,

you better hope the whole street can dance.

Tyger, get ready to party in your Remotely Funny hoodie.

Amy and Rocco, we will be sending you

a Remotely Funny souvenir.

You can't ever forget us!

Get you families back in the room.

Family! Come back in!

Family!

Big thank you to Tyger, Rocco, Amy and your families

for letting me go AWOL in your homes.

You've been immense, it's been remote, and we've been pretty funny.

Play the music!

THEME MUSIC PLAYS