Deans Bottom Remotely Funny

Hi. Welcome to my home.

It's not often you get an insight into my life like this.

20 bedrooms, nine bathrooms, an indoor and outdoor swimming pool.

Oh, and a tennis court. All mine.

Saara! I need to vacuum your room!

It's a mess! Stop using all my data allowance!

Mum!

Oh, hi. On today's Remotely Funny...

SHE SIGHS

A girl can dream.

Welcome to Remotely Funny!

# O-o-o-o-o-oh, yeah!

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Woo, woo!

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Woo, woo!

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Woo, woo!

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Woo, woo!

# O-o-o-o-o-o-oh

# Yeah! #

Hi, everyone.

My name is Saara and this is Remotely Funny, the game show

that relies entirely on me not running out of internet data-a-a...

E-e-e-e-e-h...

A-a-a-a-a-h...

Oh, see, that-t-t-t-t-t...

Spoke too soon.

And today, I'm coming to you from Deans Bottom in Kent.

Why do people keep naming places after bottoms?

Anyway, if I'm in Deans Bottom, where are my Remotely Funny players?

Who's up first?

It's Alisha. Hello, Alisha.

Hello!

My name is Alisha. I'm from London and I like to sing in the shower.

# La-a-a! #

This is my mum

and she dances everywhere.

This is Leila and she's really good at gymnastics.

And this is Andrea, and he's really, really funny.

Now, Alisha, you're a big art fan. Can I see some of your work?

Oh! Nice.

It's a bridesmaid from my favourite book, Rent a Bridesmaid.

Absolutely beautiful. Very well drawn.

Yes, yes, I know.

Well, Alisha, let's see who you're up against.

Next, it's Eve.

Alisha's team, say hello to Eve's crew.

-Hi!

-Hi!

Hi, I'm Eve and I'm from Manchester.

I love hockey.

My mum kisses me to embarrass me.

My dad hates broccoli.

And my sister Charlotte is my best friend and she's really funny.

Now, Eve, I see you've also done some artwork. Can I see?

Oh, I'm loving the pastel colours.

Wow! Wait a minute, is that the Remotely Funny logo?

-Yeah.

-Mind blown!

Great work. And finally, it is...

Art Ninja Ricky Martin and his Art Ninja gang!

Everyone say hello to Ricky's team!

-Hello!

-Hi!

-Hello!

Woohoo!

-How you guys doing?

-Good.

-Good!

-Yeah, great.

Hi, I'm Ricky.

I'm the Art Ninja and I'm a professional animator.

This is my mate Sarah. She once painted on an elephant.

She put Bristol on a dog

and she put the Earth on a sheep

and she's got a cat called Garcia.

-All true.

-And this is my friend Gavin.

He used to be a ballroom dancer.

What else have you done, Gavin?

-Met a princess.

-You met a princess?

And I once locked him in a bathroom with cardboard boxes

and he actually can't assemble a cardboard box.

I wish I could tell you that's not true.

I don't know how to do it.

-You're close.

-I'm close!

Have you done the sides?

Yes!

OK, the last bit's a lie, he can now assemble a cardboard box.

OK, that's good. Eve, you're playing against Ricky Martin.

How do you feel?

Not scared at all.

Ooh! What about you, Alisha? How do you feel?

I'm just fine because I feel that they're only ninjas

when they use their pens, paints and pencils.

Well, guys, why do we need pens and pencils when we've got our...

ninja moves!

Right, slow-mo.

Yah!

Today is going to be one epic battle

and let me tell you what one of you could be winning today.

It's the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course!

ALL CHEER

Bag this and you'll become a member of the elite.

No-one can stop you when you're wearing this bad boy.

Join the club and be an RF hero for life.

Here we go!

It's time to play Remotely Funny Families.

Today we are playing The Parent Wrap, or in Ricky's case,

it's The Ninja Wrap.

The aim of the game is to wrap a parent as fast as you can.

Wrap your present expertly from head to toe and you'll get

three samojis. And get all three bows on and you'll get a bonus.

Alisha, who are you going to be wrapping up?

My mum! Because she's smaller.

Going to take up less wrapping paper. Nice, OK.

Eve, what about you?

-I'm wrapping up my mum because I want to get revenge.

-For what?

She doesn't want her to kiss Eve because she hates kissing.

Oh! Now, Ricky, you don't get to say in the matter, I'm afraid. It's you.

I feel like everything has built up to this moment, to be honest.

-We're ready.

-I'm holding out my hand.

-Sorry.

Get into position. Give me a starfish pose.

Nice. Three, two, one...

-Start wrapping!

-Go, go, go, go!

Get the cat away.

Remember, every square inch needs to be covered in wrapping paper.

We're trying to ship them to Madagascar, OK?

Ricky, I like the wrapping paper you guys are using.

OK, I see that Ricky's team has an interesting tactic. Arm by arm.

I'm sure they have some experience in this too,

having been in art school.

Eve, nice work, nice work.

You've covered most of your mum's body.

Alisha's going well too.

No offence but I'd be very disappointed if I got

your mum or dad for Christmas.

I don't know where I am!

Eight, seven, six,

five, four, three,

two, one...

Stop wrapping! That's it.

Alisha's present, how do you feel?

Very special.

Alisha, count your bows for me, please.

-They fell off.

-They fell off?

Were there any to begin with?

Eve's gift, are you OK in their?

I'm fine. Feeling statuesque.

How many bows did you get on?

-All four of them.

-Wonderful.

Ricky, how many bows did you get on?

-47.

-Yes.

Let's count them.

One, two, three...

Oh! Cheap move.

OK, that's a wrap.

The scores are in.

Three samojis to Eve's mum for the best wrapped present.

THEY CHEER

And the bonus samoji, because they got the most bows on.

Congratulations.

Everyone burst out of your paper jail.

Surprise!

My word! I think I'll just have the money next year.

Hey, Alisha, come close.

If you can guess the lyric I'm singing, I'll give you

an extra samoji, but you need to look extra closely

because the sound man, Brian, has gone to the loo.

TOILET FLUSHES

Brian. Brian!

You can confer with your team but only you must answer.

Here goes. Mute my mouth and tell me what lyric I'm singing.

Alisha, what was the lyric?

Do you have an answer?

No, not really.

I'm sorry, Alisha.

That means you don't get the bonus samoji, but let's have a listen.

# You make me feel like

# I've been locked out of heaven

# For too lo-o-o-ong

# For too lo-o-o-o-o-ong. #

It was Locked out of Heaven by Bruno Mars.

Sorry you didn't get it, Alisha.

And we're off. Samoji count-up uptime.

Alisha and Ricky's team are

yet to score, but Eve has taken

an early lead with four samojis.

Yay!

Move, gang, to the toilet. I want you to sing me

a made-up song about the bathroom. A few lines each.

# It's time for toilet takedown

# It's time for toilet takedown! #

# I love the bathroom cos I've got my privacy!

# Do you remember that time we went to the toilet and did a wee... #

It's time for Toilet Takedown.

TOILET FLUSHES

So, let's cut to the chase. I'm going to ask you a question

and I want you to write your answers on the closest thing of paper,

which in the bathroom is loo roll.

You will have 10 seconds to answer the question. Here it is.

How many muscles are there in a cat's ear?

How many muscles are there in a cat's ear?

Write down your answers and don't show me yet.

KLAXON BLARES

OK, pens down. Alisha, what do you have?

Eight.

Eve, what do you think?

-20.

-And Ricky?

I think 24.

The correct answer is...

32 muscles.

Ricky, you get three samojis.

-Woohoo!

-Congratulations.

It's time for the race of the century in Wind-Up Warriors.

The toy that travels the furthest will be crowned the winner.

Let's take a look at today's contenders. It's Battle Bugs.

Get your Battle Bugs ready!

The garden is buzzing with anticipation as its staunch

opponents go antenna to antenna.

Bitter enemies since the Wildlife World Games in 1996.

Select your species and decide who can go the distance.

Is it cockroach, ladybird or grasshopper?

It's time for the Battle Bugs.

Eve, you're in the lead.

You get to pick your toy first.

What letter are you going for and why?

I would like B because I think they always move the fastest.

Ricky, you're in second place. Who have you gone for and why?

I'm going to go for A because, you know, alphabetically it comes first

so I'm assuming that

-it's probably going to go the furthest and come first.

-Hmm. OK.

Alisha, that means you're getting C, the grasshopper.

What do you think its chances of winning are?

I don't think there are any chances of winning.

Come on, it's a grasshopper! They move fast.

Anyway, are you ready for the race of the century?

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

Call in your supporters.

Mummy! Dad! Charlotte! Come in!

Come in the toilet with me!

Let's see who winds up the winner.

Three, two, one... Go!

Oh!

B's off.

No, no, he's back!

No, he really isn't.

Oh, and the winner is B.

Yeah!

Congratulations, Eve. Three samojis for you.

Yeah!

It's Mute My Mouth time. Ricky, come close.

But you need to look extra closely

because I still can't find Brian the sound man.

Brian!

Pfft. Seriously.

OK, Ricky, you can confer with your team but only you must answer.

OK, cool.

OK, here goes Mute My Mouth, and tell me what lyric I am singing.

What was the lyric?

-Little, Little Mixes.

-A Little Mix!

Hmm? Hmm? Is it the Little Mix?

Well, let's see if you got it right.

# Oh, I think that I've found myself a cheerleader

# She is always right there when I need her. #

I was singing Cheerleader by Omi,

but sadly, no bonus samojis given out this time.

Boo!

Samoji count-up.

Alisha is still to score

but I've got all my faith in her.

Ricky moves on to three.

Woohoo!

And Eve stays in the lead

and is now on seven samojis.

Yeah!

Ah, I'm hungry. Take me to the food room. The eating space.

The munch lodge. The kitchen!

I want to do to the kitchen in the style of a news reporter.

What are the headlines in the house today?

I'm just going downstairs into our luxurious kitchen.

Now we're walking to the brilliant kitchen.

And we need to follow a cat.

The cat has been seen in many places around here.

Oh, my days, there is the cat. I think we have to follow the cat.

It's going to be a high-speed chase. Back to you in the studio.

Today's show is sponsored by ruskeakastike gravy,

Finland's only natural resource.

That was the Remotely Funny headlines.

Over to Kitchen Lolympics.

Welcome to Kitchen Lolympics.

These are the qualifying rounds of the Let's Bounce Championships.

MUSIC PLAYS

Woo!

Now, aim of the game is to get the most ping-pong balls in the basket

worn by the lucky baskethead.

For that you will get three samojis.

You'll have 60 seconds and the balls must bounce at least once

on the surface in front of you.

There's also a sweet golden bonus ball moment.

Get that baby in and you'll get a massive three extra bonus samojis.

So, who are you picking as the baskethead and why?

Alisha? Who's it going to be?

-Leila.

-Nice. Why her?

-Hello.

Because she's the smallest.

-Eve.

-My dad because I would like to see him get hit by ping-pong balls.

SAARA LAUGHS

OK. Ricky, what about you?

I kind of really want to see Gavin get hit by ping-pong balls as well,

-but also, I know that he's really good at catching balls.

-Yes.

Baskets, get into position.

All right.

Is everyone ready?

THEY CHEER

Three, two, one...

Let's bounce! Go!

Remember, it must bounce once on the table in front of you

before hitting the basket.

Where are they going?

All right, OK, OK, OK.

I see Alisha's team is getting

several balls into the basket already.

Ricky, how is Ricky's team doing?

I'm not sure. I can't see into it.

Have they got a single ball yet?

Eve, come on! Come on, Eve.

You only have one... Oh!

You only had one in there.

Keep it going.

Great job, great job.

Ricky, do you have a single ball in the basket?

Yeah, we've got quite a few.

Wonderful. Time is running.

Eve, you don't need to bounce them on the floor.

Nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three,

two, one...

Time's up!

Team captains, it's time to throw the golden ball.

You go first, Alisha.

DRUM ROLL

-Oh!

-Nearly, nearly, nearly!

Oh, I'm sorry, Alisha.

Eve. Your turn to throw.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry, you missed it.

You're our only hope, Ricky.

Come on.

Oh! I'm sorry, everyone.

No bonus samojis for anyone.

Let's count the balls.

One, two...

One, two...

Three.

Three!

Ten.

The winner is Alisha with ten balls.

Yeah!

THEY CHEER

Three samojis for you.

I still can't see Brian the sound man,

so it must be Mute My Mouth time.

Eve, I want you to tell me what lyric I'm singing

for a bonus samoji.

What was the lyric?

Is it Katy Perry, Roar?

Well, let's take a listen.

# I got the eye of the tiger

# A fighter, dancing through the fire

# Cos I am a champion and you're going hear me roar! #

Nice! One samoji for you, Eve.

-Yay!

-Congratulations. Well done.

Let's dish out the samojis.

Ricky is tied with

Alisha on three samojis.

And Eve is striding ahead

with eight samojis.

-Woohoo!

-Yeah!

To the bedrooms!

It's The Decider.

This game is called Say What You Seemojis.

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

First person to buzz in an answer correctly wins two samojis.

Now, go get a buzzer.

Eve, what do you have for a buzzer and what kind of noise does it make?

I've got a box that I've painted that's full of staples

and it makes a noise like this.

IT RATTLES

Great. Alisha.

A whistle and it...

WHISTLE BLOWS

Nice. Ricky, you?

I've gone old school.

PING!

Wow. First Say What You Seemoji.

It's a way of going to another planet.

WHISTLE BLOWS

-Alisha.

-Rocket.

No. Anyone else?

RATTLING

-Eve?

-Is it a space rocket?

No. Ricky?

-Spaceship?

-No.

It was space travel. Next.

This is a movie about what your pets get up to

when their owners aren't at home.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Alisha.

-The Secret Life of Pets!

-Yes!

Next, this is a song by Ed Sheeran.

WHISTLE BLOWS

-Alisha.

-Is it Shape of You?

Yes. Next one. This is a trend.

You need to talk really quietly.

WHISTLE BLOWS

-Alisha.

-Is it...?

Oh, no.

No. Next person to buzz in can answer.

It was the whisper challenge.

Last chance.

It's what happens to you when you don't use sunblock.

-Eve.

-Sunburn.

-Yes.

That's it. Get your teams back in the room.

Mum, Dad, Charlotte!

HE WHISTLES

I can reveal...

Dun, dun, dun, dun-dun-dun-dun dundundundundundundundundun...

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

..Eve!

Yeah!

Congratulations, Eve, congratulations.

I will be sending you a highly prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

Alisha and Ricky, you don't go home empty-handed.

Here's a money-can't-buy Remotely Funny cap from our sponsor.

Put them on!

Ah, yeah.

Today's show is sponsored by ruskeakastike gravy,

Finland's only natural resource.

Big thanks to you, Alisha, Eve and Ricky, and your teams, for

letting us, like, treat your homes like the set of a disaster film.

You've been immense.

It's been remote, and we've all been pretty funny.

Over to you, Ricky!

Play the music!

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# O-o-o-o-o-h

# Yeah!

-# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

-Woo, woo!

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Woo, woo!

-# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

-Woo, woo!

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Woo, woo!

# O-o-o-o-o-oh

# Yeah! #