Deans Bottom Remotely Funny


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hi. Welcome to my home.

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It's not often you get an insight into my life like this.

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20 bedrooms, nine bathrooms, an indoor and outdoor swimming pool.

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Oh, and a tennis court. All mine.

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Saara! I need to vacuum your room!

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It's a mess! Stop using all my data allowance!

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Mum!

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Oh, hi. On today's Remotely Funny...

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SHE SIGHS

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A girl can dream.

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Welcome to Remotely Funny!

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# O-o-o-o-o-oh, yeah!

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# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

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# Woo, woo!

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# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

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# Woo, woo!

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# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

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# Woo, woo!

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# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

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# Woo, woo!

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# O-o-o-o-o-o-oh

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# Yeah! #

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Hi, everyone.

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My name is Saara and this is Remotely Funny, the game show

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that relies entirely on me not running out of internet data-a-a...

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E-e-e-e-e-h...

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A-a-a-a-a-h...

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Oh, see, that-t-t-t-t-t...

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Spoke too soon.

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And today, I'm coming to you from Deans Bottom in Kent.

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Why do people keep naming places after bottoms?

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Anyway, if I'm in Deans Bottom, where are my Remotely Funny players?

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Who's up first?

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It's Alisha. Hello, Alisha.

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Hello!

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My name is Alisha. I'm from London and I like to sing in the shower.

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# La-a-a! #

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This is my mum

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and she dances everywhere.

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This is Leila and she's really good at gymnastics.

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And this is Andrea, and he's really, really funny.

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Now, Alisha, you're a big art fan. Can I see some of your work?

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Oh! Nice.

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It's a bridesmaid from my favourite book, Rent a Bridesmaid.

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Absolutely beautiful. Very well drawn.

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Yes, yes, I know.

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Well, Alisha, let's see who you're up against.

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Next, it's Eve.

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Alisha's team, say hello to Eve's crew.

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-Hi!

-Hi!

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Hi, I'm Eve and I'm from Manchester.

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I love hockey.

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My mum kisses me to embarrass me.

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My dad hates broccoli.

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And my sister Charlotte is my best friend and she's really funny.

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Now, Eve, I see you've also done some artwork. Can I see?

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Oh, I'm loving the pastel colours.

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Wow! Wait a minute, is that the Remotely Funny logo?

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-Yeah.

-Mind blown!

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Great work. And finally, it is...

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Art Ninja Ricky Martin and his Art Ninja gang!

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Everyone say hello to Ricky's team!

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-Hello!

-Hi!

-Hello!

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Woohoo!

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-How you guys doing?

-Good.

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-Good!

-Yeah, great.

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Hi, I'm Ricky.

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I'm the Art Ninja and I'm a professional animator.

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This is my mate Sarah. She once painted on an elephant.

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She put Bristol on a dog

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and she put the Earth on a sheep

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and she's got a cat called Garcia.

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-All true.

-And this is my friend Gavin.

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He used to be a ballroom dancer.

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What else have you done, Gavin?

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-Met a princess.

-You met a princess?

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And I once locked him in a bathroom with cardboard boxes

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and he actually can't assemble a cardboard box.

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I wish I could tell you that's not true.

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I don't know how to do it.

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-You're close.

-I'm close!

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Have you done the sides?

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Yes!

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OK, the last bit's a lie, he can now assemble a cardboard box.

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OK, that's good. Eve, you're playing against Ricky Martin.

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How do you feel?

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Not scared at all.

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Ooh! What about you, Alisha? How do you feel?

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I'm just fine because I feel that they're only ninjas

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when they use their pens, paints and pencils.

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Well, guys, why do we need pens and pencils when we've got our...

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ninja moves!

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Right, slow-mo.

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Yah!

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Today is going to be one epic battle

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and let me tell you what one of you could be winning today.

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It's the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course!

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ALL CHEER

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Bag this and you'll become a member of the elite.

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No-one can stop you when you're wearing this bad boy.

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Join the club and be an RF hero for life.

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Here we go!

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It's time to play Remotely Funny Families.

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Today we are playing The Parent Wrap, or in Ricky's case,

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it's The Ninja Wrap.

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The aim of the game is to wrap a parent as fast as you can.

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Wrap your present expertly from head to toe and you'll get

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three samojis. And get all three bows on and you'll get a bonus.

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Alisha, who are you going to be wrapping up?

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My mum! Because she's smaller.

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Going to take up less wrapping paper. Nice, OK.

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Eve, what about you?

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-I'm wrapping up my mum because I want to get revenge.

-For what?

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She doesn't want her to kiss Eve because she hates kissing.

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Oh! Now, Ricky, you don't get to say in the matter, I'm afraid. It's you.

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I feel like everything has built up to this moment, to be honest.

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-We're ready.

-I'm holding out my hand.

-Sorry.

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Get into position. Give me a starfish pose.

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Nice. Three, two, one...

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-Start wrapping!

-Go, go, go, go!

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Get the cat away.

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Remember, every square inch needs to be covered in wrapping paper.

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We're trying to ship them to Madagascar, OK?

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Ricky, I like the wrapping paper you guys are using.

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OK, I see that Ricky's team has an interesting tactic. Arm by arm.

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I'm sure they have some experience in this too,

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having been in art school.

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Eve, nice work, nice work.

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You've covered most of your mum's body.

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Alisha's going well too.

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No offence but I'd be very disappointed if I got

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your mum or dad for Christmas.

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I don't know where I am!

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Eight, seven, six,

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five, four, three,

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two, one...

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Stop wrapping! That's it.

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Alisha's present, how do you feel?

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Very special.

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Alisha, count your bows for me, please.

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-They fell off.

-They fell off?

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Were there any to begin with?

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Eve's gift, are you OK in their?

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I'm fine. Feeling statuesque.

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How many bows did you get on?

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-All four of them.

-Wonderful.

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Ricky, how many bows did you get on?

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-47.

-Yes.

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Let's count them.

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One, two, three...

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Oh! Cheap move.

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OK, that's a wrap.

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The scores are in.

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Three samojis to Eve's mum for the best wrapped present.

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THEY CHEER

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And the bonus samoji, because they got the most bows on.

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Congratulations.

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Everyone burst out of your paper jail.

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Surprise!

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My word! I think I'll just have the money next year.

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Hey, Alisha, come close.

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If you can guess the lyric I'm singing, I'll give you

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an extra samoji, but you need to look extra closely

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because the sound man, Brian, has gone to the loo.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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Brian. Brian!

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You can confer with your team but only you must answer.

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Here goes. Mute my mouth and tell me what lyric I'm singing.

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Alisha, what was the lyric?

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Do you have an answer?

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No, not really.

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I'm sorry, Alisha.

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That means you don't get the bonus samoji, but let's have a listen.

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# You make me feel like

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# I've been locked out of heaven

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# For too lo-o-o-ong

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# For too lo-o-o-o-o-ong. #

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It was Locked out of Heaven by Bruno Mars.

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Sorry you didn't get it, Alisha.

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And we're off. Samoji count-up uptime.

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Alisha and Ricky's team are

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yet to score, but Eve has taken

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an early lead with four samojis.

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Yay!

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Move, gang, to the toilet. I want you to sing me

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a made-up song about the bathroom. A few lines each.

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# It's time for toilet takedown

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# It's time for toilet takedown! #

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# I love the bathroom cos I've got my privacy!

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# Do you remember that time we went to the toilet and did a wee... #

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It's time for Toilet Takedown.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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So, let's cut to the chase. I'm going to ask you a question

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and I want you to write your answers on the closest thing of paper,

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which in the bathroom is loo roll.

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You will have 10 seconds to answer the question. Here it is.

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How many muscles are there in a cat's ear?

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How many muscles are there in a cat's ear?

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Write down your answers and don't show me yet.

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KLAXON BLARES

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OK, pens down. Alisha, what do you have?

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Eight.

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Eve, what do you think?

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-20.

-And Ricky?

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I think 24.

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The correct answer is...

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32 muscles.

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Ricky, you get three samojis.

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-Woohoo!

-Congratulations.

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It's time for the race of the century in Wind-Up Warriors.

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The toy that travels the furthest will be crowned the winner.

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Let's take a look at today's contenders. It's Battle Bugs.

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Get your Battle Bugs ready!

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The garden is buzzing with anticipation as its staunch

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opponents go antenna to antenna.

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Bitter enemies since the Wildlife World Games in 1996.

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Select your species and decide who can go the distance.

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Is it cockroach, ladybird or grasshopper?

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It's time for the Battle Bugs.

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Eve, you're in the lead.

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You get to pick your toy first.

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What letter are you going for and why?

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I would like B because I think they always move the fastest.

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Ricky, you're in second place. Who have you gone for and why?

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I'm going to go for A because, you know, alphabetically it comes first

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so I'm assuming that

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-it's probably going to go the furthest and come first.

-Hmm. OK.

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Alisha, that means you're getting C, the grasshopper.

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What do you think its chances of winning are?

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I don't think there are any chances of winning.

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Come on, it's a grasshopper! They move fast.

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Anyway, are you ready for the race of the century?

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-Yeah!

-Yeah!

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Call in your supporters.

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Mummy! Dad! Charlotte! Come in!

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Come in the toilet with me!

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Let's see who winds up the winner.

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Three, two, one... Go!

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Oh!

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B's off.

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No, no, he's back!

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No, he really isn't.

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Oh, and the winner is B.

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Yeah!

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Congratulations, Eve. Three samojis for you.

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Yeah!

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It's Mute My Mouth time. Ricky, come close.

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But you need to look extra closely

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because I still can't find Brian the sound man.

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Brian!

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Pfft. Seriously.

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OK, Ricky, you can confer with your team but only you must answer.

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OK, cool.

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OK, here goes Mute My Mouth, and tell me what lyric I am singing.

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What was the lyric?

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-Little, Little Mixes.

-A Little Mix!

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Hmm? Hmm? Is it the Little Mix?

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Well, let's see if you got it right.

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# Oh, I think that I've found myself a cheerleader

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# She is always right there when I need her. #

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I was singing Cheerleader by Omi,

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but sadly, no bonus samojis given out this time.

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Boo!

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Samoji count-up.

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Alisha is still to score

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but I've got all my faith in her.

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Ricky moves on to three.

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Woohoo!

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And Eve stays in the lead

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and is now on seven samojis.

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Yeah!

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Ah, I'm hungry. Take me to the food room. The eating space.

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The munch lodge. The kitchen!

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I want to do to the kitchen in the style of a news reporter.

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What are the headlines in the house today?

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I'm just going downstairs into our luxurious kitchen.

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Now we're walking to the brilliant kitchen.

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And we need to follow a cat.

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The cat has been seen in many places around here.

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Oh, my days, there is the cat. I think we have to follow the cat.

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It's going to be a high-speed chase. Back to you in the studio.

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Today's show is sponsored by ruskeakastike gravy,

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Finland's only natural resource.

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That was the Remotely Funny headlines.

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Over to Kitchen Lolympics.

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Welcome to Kitchen Lolympics.

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These are the qualifying rounds of the Let's Bounce Championships.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Woo!

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Now, aim of the game is to get the most ping-pong balls in the basket

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worn by the lucky baskethead.

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For that you will get three samojis.

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You'll have 60 seconds and the balls must bounce at least once

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on the surface in front of you.

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There's also a sweet golden bonus ball moment.

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Get that baby in and you'll get a massive three extra bonus samojis.

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So, who are you picking as the baskethead and why?

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Alisha? Who's it going to be?

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-Leila.

-Nice. Why her?

-Hello.

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Because she's the smallest.

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-Eve.

-My dad because I would like to see him get hit by ping-pong balls.

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SAARA LAUGHS

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OK. Ricky, what about you?

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I kind of really want to see Gavin get hit by ping-pong balls as well,

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-but also, I know that he's really good at catching balls.

-Yes.

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Baskets, get into position.

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All right.

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Is everyone ready?

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THEY CHEER

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Three, two, one...

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Let's bounce! Go!

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Remember, it must bounce once on the table in front of you

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before hitting the basket.

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Where are they going?

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All right, OK, OK, OK.

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I see Alisha's team is getting

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several balls into the basket already.

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Ricky, how is Ricky's team doing?

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I'm not sure. I can't see into it.

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Have they got a single ball yet?

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Eve, come on! Come on, Eve.

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You only have one... Oh!

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You only had one in there.

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Keep it going.

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Great job, great job.

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Ricky, do you have a single ball in the basket?

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Yeah, we've got quite a few.

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Wonderful. Time is running.

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Eve, you don't need to bounce them on the floor.

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Nine, eight, seven, six,

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five, four, three,

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two, one...

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Time's up!

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Team captains, it's time to throw the golden ball.

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You go first, Alisha.

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DRUM ROLL

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-Oh!

-Nearly, nearly, nearly!

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Oh, I'm sorry, Alisha.

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Eve. Your turn to throw.

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Oh!

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Oh, I'm sorry, you missed it.

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You're our only hope, Ricky.

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Come on.

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Oh! I'm sorry, everyone.

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No bonus samojis for anyone.

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Let's count the balls.

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One, two...

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One, two...

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Three.

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Three!

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Ten.

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The winner is Alisha with ten balls.

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Yeah!

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THEY CHEER

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Three samojis for you.

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I still can't see Brian the sound man,

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so it must be Mute My Mouth time.

0:17:430:17:44

Eve, I want you to tell me what lyric I'm singing

0:17:440:17:47

for a bonus samoji.

0:17:470:17:49

What was the lyric?

0:18:030:18:04

Is it Katy Perry, Roar?

0:18:040:18:07

Well, let's take a listen.

0:18:070:18:09

# I got the eye of the tiger

0:18:090:18:12

# A fighter, dancing through the fire

0:18:120:18:16

# Cos I am a champion and you're going hear me roar! #

0:18:160:18:23

Nice! One samoji for you, Eve.

0:18:230:18:26

-Yay!

-Congratulations. Well done.

0:18:260:18:29

Let's dish out the samojis.

0:18:290:18:31

Ricky is tied with

0:18:310:18:32

Alisha on three samojis.

0:18:320:18:34

And Eve is striding ahead

0:18:350:18:38

with eight samojis.

0:18:380:18:40

-Woohoo!

-Yeah!

0:18:400:18:42

To the bedrooms!

0:18:420:18:43

It's The Decider.

0:18:480:18:50

This game is called Say What You Seemojis.

0:18:550:18:57

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

0:18:570:19:00

First person to buzz in an answer correctly wins two samojis.

0:19:000:19:04

Now, go get a buzzer.

0:19:040:19:05

Eve, what do you have for a buzzer and what kind of noise does it make?

0:19:060:19:09

I've got a box that I've painted that's full of staples

0:19:090:19:13

and it makes a noise like this.

0:19:130:19:15

IT RATTLES

0:19:150:19:17

Great. Alisha.

0:19:170:19:19

A whistle and it...

0:19:190:19:20

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:19:200:19:22

Nice. Ricky, you?

0:19:220:19:24

I've gone old school.

0:19:240:19:25

PING!

0:19:250:19:27

Wow. First Say What You Seemoji.

0:19:270:19:28

It's a way of going to another planet.

0:19:280:19:30

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:19:300:19:31

-Alisha.

-Rocket.

0:19:310:19:32

No. Anyone else?

0:19:320:19:34

RATTLING

0:19:340:19:35

-Eve?

-Is it a space rocket?

0:19:350:19:37

No. Ricky?

0:19:370:19:39

-Spaceship?

-No.

0:19:390:19:40

It was space travel. Next.

0:19:400:19:42

This is a movie about what your pets get up to

0:19:420:19:44

when their owners aren't at home.

0:19:440:19:46

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:19:460:19:47

Alisha.

0:19:470:19:48

-The Secret Life of Pets!

-Yes!

0:19:480:19:50

Next, this is a song by Ed Sheeran.

0:19:500:19:53

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:19:530:19:55

-Alisha.

-Is it Shape of You?

0:19:550:19:56

Yes. Next one. This is a trend.

0:19:560:19:58

You need to talk really quietly.

0:19:580:19:59

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:19:590:20:01

-Alisha.

-Is it...?

0:20:010:20:02

Oh, no.

0:20:020:20:04

No. Next person to buzz in can answer.

0:20:040:20:06

It was the whisper challenge.

0:20:080:20:10

Last chance.

0:20:100:20:11

It's what happens to you when you don't use sunblock.

0:20:110:20:14

-Eve.

-Sunburn.

-Yes.

0:20:140:20:16

That's it. Get your teams back in the room.

0:20:160:20:19

Mum, Dad, Charlotte!

0:20:190:20:21

HE WHISTLES

0:20:210:20:23

I can reveal...

0:20:270:20:28

Dun, dun, dun, dun-dun-dun-dun dundundundundundundundundun...

0:20:290:20:35

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

0:20:350:20:38

..Eve!

0:20:460:20:48

Yeah!

0:20:480:20:49

Congratulations, Eve, congratulations.

0:20:530:20:56

I will be sending you a highly prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

0:20:560:20:59

Alisha and Ricky, you don't go home empty-handed.

0:21:010:21:05

Here's a money-can't-buy Remotely Funny cap from our sponsor.

0:21:050:21:08

Put them on!

0:21:080:21:09

Ah, yeah.

0:21:110:21:13

Today's show is sponsored by ruskeakastike gravy,

0:21:150:21:17

Finland's only natural resource.

0:21:170:21:20

Big thanks to you, Alisha, Eve and Ricky, and your teams, for

0:21:200:21:23

letting us, like, treat your homes like the set of a disaster film.

0:21:230:21:26

You've been immense.

0:21:260:21:28

It's been remote, and we've all been pretty funny.

0:21:280:21:30

Over to you, Ricky!

0:21:300:21:32

Play the music!

0:21:320:21:34

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

0:21:340:21:37

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

0:21:370:21:40

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

0:21:400:21:43

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

0:21:430:21:46

# O-o-o-o-o-h

0:21:460:21:49

# Yeah!

0:21:490:21:50

-# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

-Woo, woo!

0:21:500:21:53

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

0:21:530:21:55

# Woo, woo!

0:21:550:21:56

-# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

-Woo, woo!

0:21:560:21:59

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

0:21:590:22:01

# Woo, woo!

0:22:010:22:03

# O-o-o-o-o-oh

0:22:030:22:06

# Yeah! #

0:22:060:22:07

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