Barton in the Beans Remotely Funny


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Barton in the Beans

Game show. Saara hangs out remotely with Addya from south London, Evan from Lancashire and Kirsty from Surrey.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

I said more on the lips. Give me more of that sweet rouge.

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Oh, hi!

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Ahem. On today's Remotely Funny...

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LAUGHTER

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..Evan's mum - try ripping the paper!

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-ALL:

-Woo!

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What? Too much?

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SHE SCOFFS

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Welcome to Remotely Funny!

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# Yeah

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# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Whoo-whoo

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# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Whoo-whoo

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# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Whoo-whoo

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# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Whoo-whoo

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# Yeah! #

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Hey, everyone. I'm Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

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the game show that takes place in your home.

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It's also your cue to clean the toilet

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and take your dad's pants off the radiators.

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After travelling the world in the search of unpredictable weather,

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I've decided that the UK is the place for me,

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and today, I'm coming to you

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from Leicestershire's Barton in the Beans.

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Only in the UK!

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Anyway, it's wonderful here.

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A little windy, but I've BEAN expecting that.

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SHE LAUGHS

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PH-HR-RRT!

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So, if I'm knee deep in the beans, where are my Remotely Funny players?

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Who's up first? It's Aadya!

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Hello!

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Hi. I'm Aadya and I'm from London

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and I love doing music, singing, dancing and acting.

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I'd like to introduce my family.

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This is my mum, and I love cooking with her

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and dancing with her.

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This is my dad.

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He's really funny and very intelligent.

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This is my friend Mahi,

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who's caring and also very funny.

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That is my grandad, who likes to tickle me and squeeze me.

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And that's my grandma, who always helps me

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and sometimes will remind me about things.

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Welcome. Let's see who you're up against.

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It's Evan. Hello.

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THEY CHEER

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Hi. I'm Evan from West Lancashire.

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I love gaming, and this is my team.

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My mum is very embarrassing when she gives my hugs in public.

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MUM LAUGHS

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That's my friend Alfie, who loves lizards.

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My friend's mum, Lisa, who loves horse riding.

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And my sister, who's always messy.

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And she loves doing cartwheels.

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CLATTER

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Hurray!

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Aadya's team, say hello to Evan's squad.

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-ALL:

-Hello!

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-ALL:

-Hello!

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So sweet.

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And finally, it's Kirsty!

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-ALL:

-Hello!

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Say hello to Kirsty!

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ALL: Hello!

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Hi, I'm Kirsty from Surrey, and I like baking cinnamon rolls.

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This is my mum. Her favourite dinner's lasagne.

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This is my dad.

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He puts hot chilli sauce on every single meal he has.

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And this is my brother and his nickname is Blueberry

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because he always wears blue.

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You lot mean business, I can tell.

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But what will one of you be crowned with today?

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It's the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course.

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This prize cannot be bought.

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Well, there's not really a market for it, either.

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But it's still utterly amazing.

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Make yourself a winner for life

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by being a champion today!

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Now, the living room,

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the perfect place for building dens,

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arguing over board games

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and, of course, humiliating your parents.

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Today's game is the charming

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Chin It To Win It.

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Kids, you'll be relying on your seniors

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to win you samojis

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through the ancient art of chin lip-synching.

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Now, hold those chins

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and bring them close to the camera.

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Bring them in, bring them in!

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Aadya, tell me, what does that chin feel like?

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It's very ticklish.

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Ticklish?

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Evan, what does Alfie's mum's chin have that others don't?

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It's quite sweaty and soft.

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Kirsty, say to your chosen chin, "I believe in you."

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I believe in you, chin!

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Chin, do you believe in yourself?

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Not really.

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It's time to play Remotely Funny Families.

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OK, get those chins ready

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while I pray to the ancient god Chin Lip-Synch.

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MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYS

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I'm done!

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Whoa!

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You guys have been working hard to get those chins ready!

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Oh, my goodness!

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Evan, you guys decorated Alfie's mum's chin.

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Can I see what it looks like?

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Hmm. OK. I see a little red, brown, ghoul-y eyes. Oh, are those lashes?

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They're supposed to be lashes.

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I mean, they look like lashes, so I think you succeeded in that.

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-Have you given the chin a name?

-Terry!

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I can't wait to see Terry in action

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so thank you.

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-Kirsty?

-This is Bob, the Minion.

-Oh, it does look like a Minion.

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Wow! I'm highly impressed.

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-Aadya?

-We tried to draw a picture of my dad -

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the two cheeks, the eyes and the hair.

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Aadya's dad, you're going first.

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Chin up!

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# Ooh ooh-ooh

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# This time I'm telling you I'm telling you

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# We are never ever ever getting back together

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# We are never ever ever getting back together... #

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Round of applause. Round of applause for Aadya's dad's chin.

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Aadya, how did your dad's chin do?

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Funny and really cool.

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Evan, is Alfie's mum's chin ready?

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Are you ready, Terry?

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Yeah, I'm sorry. Not Alfie's mum's chin.

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TERRY, are you ready?

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Terry's ready.

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Chin up, Alfie's mum.

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Here's your track.

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# I don't think about that stuff

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# It don't matter now... #

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MUSIC CONTINUES

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Wonderful, Alfie's mum!

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Great job.

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Now, Evan, Alfie, what did you think of that?

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Quite normal for my mum.

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Wow. Well, I enjoyed that a lot. Thank you so much.

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And finally, Kirsty's dad.

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I don't think I've ever seen a Minion sing Justin Bieber

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but...first time. Go, track!

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# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

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# Sorry

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# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

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# Sorry

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# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

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# Sorry

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# Yeah, I know that I let you down

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# Is it too late to say sorry now? #

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Yeah. Yes, Kirsty's dad's chin!

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Kirsty, what did you make of that?

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-Did you like that?

-The chin was good.

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I mean, it's quite simple, really, isn't it?

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Three samojis for best performance goes to Aadya.

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One samoji to Evan for style.

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And one samoji to Kirsty

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for originality.

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Hey, Aadya, fancy winning an extra samoji?

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Well, this is your chance.

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It is time to play Home Truths.

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SHE PLAYS A TUNE

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Home Truths!

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Aadya, which of the Seven Dwarfs does your mum most resemble?

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And don't hold back, my friend,

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this is your chance to tell the truth.

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If you both give me the same answer, you get the samoji.

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You got the idea?

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You've got Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy

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and of course Dopey.

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Do you have your answers ready?

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-Yes.

-Yes.

-After three, reveal.

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One, two and three...

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-BOTH:

-Happy!

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That means one samoji for your team.

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Thank you!

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Well done, everybody.

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I am so proud of your parents' swaggy mentums -

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that's hashtag science...for cool chins.

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What has that done to the scores?

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Evan and Kirsty both have one samoji.

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And Aadya has taken an early lead

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with four samojis.

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Congratulations, Aadya.

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Nice. Nice.

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Now, I need a whiz. It's time to go to the bathroom.

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I'm in the market for a new home.

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Can you sell me your house?

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Your parents won't mind.

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I'll pay cash.

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Lovely windows.

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Oh, yes, they are lovely windows, Evan.

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There's some plants on the windowsill.

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I like plants.

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Toilet!

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Oh, lovely.

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So rustic.

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Well, I'll buy all your houses

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if the Finnish gravy market picks up.

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Which I doubt. Hopefully.

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It's time for Toilet Takedown.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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I'm going to ask you a question,

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and I want you to write your answer on the loo roll, OK?

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I do all my correspondence via toilet roll, actually.

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It really grabs people's attention.

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Here is the question.

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In America, how many million phones are estimated to be

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dropped down the toilet every year?

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I repeat. In America, how many million phones

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are estimated to be dropped down the toilet every year?

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Here's a fact. 75% of people use their phone on the toilet.

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It's the most popular activity to do on the loo.

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Time's up.

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Does everyone have an answer?

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-Yep. Yep.

-Wonderful.

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Now, don't show them to me yet, come up to the screen.

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Aadya, what did you write?

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-1,000 million.

-1,000 million is a lot of phones, actually!

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OK, what about you, Kirsty?

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-70 million.

-Wonderful.

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And, Evan? 100 million.

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Well, the correct answer is...

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..seven million,

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which means Kirsty gets three samojis.

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I was second closest.

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It's time for the race of the century in Windup Warriors.

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It's the Baby Toy Battle!

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But don't be deceived by looks

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because these mini-warriors want gold.

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But who will be placed on the victory shelf

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and who will be going back to the nursery

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to be dribbled on?

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Who can travel the furthest -

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Yellow Caterpillar, Big Bug or Pinky the Elephant?

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So take positions, because it's time for the...

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Let battle commence!

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Kirsty and Aadya, you're tied.

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I tossed a coin and, Aadya, you're picking first.

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Do you pick Yellow Caterpillar, Big Bug or Pinky the Elephant?

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-Yellow Caterpillar.

-Nice. Why are you picking the caterpillar?

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It has the letter A in it

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and I saw "warrior" has the letter A in it.

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Ooh, interesting approach!

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I like that, Aadya.

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-Kirsty, who do you pick?

-The elephant.

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Why do you think Pinky the Elephant will do better than

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-Yellow Caterpillar? Or Big Bug?

-I think he will motor.

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Hmm. OK.

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Evan, you have to go with Big Bug. How does that make you feel?

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I think it may win on account

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of its little legs just moving speedily

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-across the pitch.

-I mean, that would make sense,

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but we won't know until we have a look.

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So, here we go.

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Get your teams in for support.

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Get your families in the bathroom.

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Everyone needs to cheer on.

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Wow.

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Let's see who winds up the winner.

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ALL CHEER

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Three, two, one...

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Go!

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KLAXON

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Let's watch that again.

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KLAXON

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Congratulations, Aadya.

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Three samojis for you.

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I think it might be Home Truths time...

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SHE PLAYS A TUNE

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Home Truths!

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Evan, who is your mum's celebrity crush?

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Now, if you both give me the same answer,

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you get the samoji.

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So think of one and write it down.

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Don't show me yet.

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Who is your mum's celebrity crush?

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Difficult choice. So many to pick from.

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-Do we have answers?

-Yeah. I've got an answer.

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Come on, Evan's mum. You've got to come up with something.

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-I have.

-Wonderful.

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After three, reveal.

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One, two, three...shout it!

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-Mary Portas!

-Monty Don!

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I have no idea who those people are

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but you're definitely not getting a samoji. Maybe later.

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Let's look at the scores.

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-Evan has one glorious samoji.

-Yee-ha!

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Kirsty moves on to four.

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THEY CHEER

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And Aadya is still in the lead with 7 samojis.

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THEY CHEER

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Wow. Well done. Move it! Move it to the kitchen!

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-Give me a G!

-G!

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-Give me an R!

-R!

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Give me an A! Oh, whatever.

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Today's show was sponsored by Ruskeakastike Gravy,

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-the perfect way to remove your dad's grey hair.

-Oi!

0:14:150:14:19

It's time for Kitchen LOLympics.

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Welcome to Kitchen LOLympics,

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exactly the legacy London 2012 had in mind.

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And today's sport, you ask?

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-No, it isn't midnight snacking, Kirsty's dad.

-Oh...

0:14:330:14:37

You swapped your oven gloves for boxing gloves.

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It's Kitchen Combat. Let's get ready to rumble!

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BELL RINGS

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Ladies and gentlemen, introducing first, in the red corner,

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weighing in at 125lb, give or take, it's Aadya's mum,

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also known as the Almighty in the boxing ring!

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Next up, in the blue corner,

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she's Evan's mum. She can unbox anything -

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cereal, Christmas presents and post.

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Nothing gets in her way.

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And finally, in the other-coloured corner,

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the 1998 unboxing champion, it's Crusher, Kirsty's mum!

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Come on!

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The aim of the game is to be the first to unbox your boxes

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and hold high the Remotely Funny plaque.

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Unboxers, are you ready?

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Absolutely. I work with my hands.

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I'm a gardener.

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I'm going to open it very quickly.

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I'll punch it!

0:15:360:15:38

Yeah! I know I'm going to be really good at this.

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OK. Great. That was super convincing.

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Start unboxing...now!

0:15:430:15:45

BELL RINGS

0:15:450:15:47

Come on, Aadya's mum. I know you have it.

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Evan's mum, try ripping the paper.

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Yes, yes. Yes!

0:16:000:16:01

Yes. Aadya's mum, you got it.

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Oh, Kirsty's mum is almost there.

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Oh... Oh, no, no, no. Come on.

0:16:060:16:09

Come on, come on. Home stretch, home stretch.

0:16:090:16:11

Evan's mum got the lid open.

0:16:110:16:13

Aadya's mum, great, Aadya's mum.

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Oh, we got a winner!

0:16:150:16:18

We have a winner!

0:16:180:16:20

It is Kirsty's mother! Congratulations.

0:16:200:16:23

That's my mum right there.

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THEY LAUGH

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Stop, stop. Stop, stop.

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I think we are good.

0:16:290:16:30

We already have a winner - Kirsty's mum got it,

0:16:300:16:33

then Aadya and then Evan.

0:16:330:16:34

Evan's mum is still punching the package.

0:16:340:16:37

Clearly, Kirsty's mum managed to unbox and hold the plaque up first.

0:16:370:16:41

Kirsty, what did you think of your mum's technique?

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I think it was good.

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She scratched a bit of the box

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and it opened.

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Scratching is definitely the way to go.

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Evan, what did you think of your mum's technique?

0:16:520:16:55

Reckless.

0:16:550:16:57

THEY LAUGH

0:16:570:16:59

She was punching it.

0:16:590:17:00

She was punching it until the box was destroyed.

0:17:000:17:04

-Aadya?

-She got the box

0:17:040:17:07

and punched it over to the side, like that.

0:17:070:17:09

And then she turned the box upside down

0:17:090:17:12

and then the second box came out.

0:17:120:17:14

It was intense.

0:17:140:17:16

They went toe to toe,

0:17:160:17:17

but Aadya's mum and Evan's are knocked out.

0:17:170:17:20

Ladies and gentlemen, the unboxing champion

0:17:200:17:22

is Kirsty's mum, the Crusher!

0:17:220:17:26

Whoo!

0:17:260:17:28

CHEERING

0:17:280:17:30

You get three samojis.

0:17:300:17:32

Kirsty, it's your chance to win an extra samoji.

0:17:350:17:38

Are you interested?

0:17:380:17:40

Yes.

0:17:400:17:41

SHE PLAYS A TUNE

0:17:410:17:43

Home Truths!

0:17:430:17:45

Kirsty, what animal does your dad most resemble?

0:17:480:17:52

If you both give me the same answer,

0:17:520:17:53

you get one samoji.

0:17:530:17:55

Do you have an answer?

0:17:550:17:57

-I do.

-OK. After three, reveal and shout it out loud. OK?

0:17:570:18:02

One, two, three...shout!

0:18:020:18:06

-Pig!

-Monkey!

0:18:060:18:08

Wow. That's not very nice.

0:18:080:18:10

He's probably a mixture of the two.

0:18:100:18:12

Dad, how do you feel about that?

0:18:120:18:15

Not the most flattering, I don't think, no.

0:18:150:18:17

SNORTING

0:18:170:18:20

I smell samojis.

0:18:200:18:21

Evan has it all to do in the last round.

0:18:210:18:23

He's on one samoji.

0:18:230:18:25

And sharing the top spot is Kirsty and Aadya on seven.

0:18:270:18:31

THEY CHEER

0:18:310:18:34

Wish your team captains luck, guys.

0:18:340:18:36

Time to go to the bedroom.

0:18:360:18:39

Come on!

0:18:390:18:41

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

0:18:420:18:45

This game is called Say-What-You-See Mojis.

0:18:490:18:52

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

0:18:520:18:55

First person to buzz in

0:18:550:18:57

and answer correctly

0:18:570:18:58

wins two samojis.

0:18:580:19:00

Now, show me your buzzers.

0:19:000:19:02

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:19:020:19:03

BOXES CLATTER

0:19:030:19:04

HE STRUMS A CHORD

0:19:040:19:05

Wonderful. Deep breath.

0:19:050:19:07

THEY INHALE

0:19:070:19:08

Focus. Start the clock.

0:19:080:19:11

First say-what-you-see moji.

0:19:110:19:12

HE STRUMS A CHORD

0:19:120:19:14

-Evan?

-Art Ninja.

0:19:140:19:15

Yes, correct.

0:19:150:19:17

Here comes the next one.

0:19:170:19:19

It's a movie.

0:19:190:19:20

About a superhero who wears underwear.

0:19:200:19:23

HE STRUMS A CHORD

0:19:230:19:24

-Evan?

-Batman.

0:19:240:19:26

No, not correct.

0:19:260:19:28

BOXES CLATTER

0:19:280:19:30

-Kirsty?

-Oh, no!

-Captain Underpants.

-Correct.

0:19:300:19:33

Next one.

0:19:330:19:34

It's a saying.

0:19:340:19:36

What saying is this?

0:19:370:19:39

BOXES CLATTER

0:19:390:19:40

-Kirsty?

-Piece of cake.

0:19:400:19:41

Wonderful. Correct.

0:19:410:19:43

Next one.

0:19:430:19:44

It's a song by a former One Direction member.

0:19:440:19:46

He's Irish.

0:19:460:19:48

HE STRUMS A CHORD

0:19:480:19:49

Um... No, I've forget it.

0:19:490:19:52

We're out of time. It was Slow Hand by Niall Horan.

0:19:520:19:55

That's it. Get your teams back in the room, please.

0:19:550:19:59

People in room, please!

0:19:590:20:01

People!

0:20:010:20:03

I can reveal today's Remotely Funny winner...

0:20:030:20:09

..is...

0:20:110:20:12

..Kirsty!

0:20:140:20:16

Congratulations, Kirsty.

0:20:250:20:27

I will be sending you a highly prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

0:20:270:20:31

Aadya and Evan, you don't go HOME empty handed.

0:20:330:20:36

We will be sending you a money-can't-buy Remotely Funny cap,

0:20:360:20:40

from our sponsor, of course.

0:20:400:20:42

Put them on!

0:20:420:20:44

Yes! You love Ruskeakastike, like me.

0:20:440:20:49

Today's show was sponsored by Ruskeakastike Gravy,

0:20:490:20:52

-the perfect way to remove your dad's grey hair.

-Oi!

0:20:520:20:55

Big thanks to you, Aadya, Evan and Kirsty and your teams

0:20:550:20:58

for letting us run riot in your personal space.

0:20:580:21:01

You've been immense.

0:21:010:21:03

It's been remote.

0:21:030:21:04

And we've all been pretty funny.

0:21:040:21:06

Evan, over to you.

0:21:060:21:07

Play the music.

0:21:070:21:10

Woohoo!

0:21:100:21:11

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

0:21:110:21:16

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

0:21:160:21:23

# Oh, yeah

0:21:230:21:25

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Woohoo

0:21:250:21:29

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Woohoo

0:21:290:21:33

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Woohoo

0:21:330:21:36

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Woohoo! #

0:21:360:21:38

Thanks, everyone! Bye.

0:21:380:21:42

Saara hangs out remotely with Addya from south London, Evan from Lancashire and Kirsty from Surrey. They compete for some sweet Samoji points as they put their parents' lip-syncing talents to the test, and it's mum vs mum in the unboxing ring. Oh, and not forgetting the wind-up toy race of the century and some extraordinarily revealing home truths. Unparalleled, wireless family fun as Saara invades more UK homes but only rewards one victorious team captain with a Remotely Funny hoodie.