Barton in the Beans Remotely Funny

I said more on the lips. Give me more of that sweet rouge.

Oh, hi!

Ahem. On today's Remotely Funny...

LAUGHTER

..Evan's mum - try ripping the paper!

-ALL:

-Woo!

What? Too much?

SHE SCOFFS

Welcome to Remotely Funny!

# Yeah

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Whoo-whoo

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Whoo-whoo

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Whoo-whoo

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Whoo-whoo

# Yeah! #

Hey, everyone. I'm Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

the game show that takes place in your home.

It's also your cue to clean the toilet

and take your dad's pants off the radiators.

After travelling the world in the search of unpredictable weather,

I've decided that the UK is the place for me,

and today, I'm coming to you

from Leicestershire's Barton in the Beans.

Only in the UK!

Anyway, it's wonderful here.

A little windy, but I've BEAN expecting that.

SHE LAUGHS

PH-HR-RRT!

So, if I'm knee deep in the beans, where are my Remotely Funny players?

Who's up first? It's Aadya!

Hello!

Hi. I'm Aadya and I'm from London

and I love doing music, singing, dancing and acting.

I'd like to introduce my family.

This is my mum, and I love cooking with her

and dancing with her.

This is my dad.

He's really funny and very intelligent.

This is my friend Mahi,

who's caring and also very funny.

That is my grandad, who likes to tickle me and squeeze me.

And that's my grandma, who always helps me

and sometimes will remind me about things.

Welcome. Let's see who you're up against.

It's Evan. Hello.

THEY CHEER

Hi. I'm Evan from West Lancashire.

I love gaming, and this is my team.

My mum is very embarrassing when she gives my hugs in public.

MUM LAUGHS

That's my friend Alfie, who loves lizards.

My friend's mum, Lisa, who loves horse riding.

And my sister, who's always messy.

And she loves doing cartwheels.

CLATTER

Hurray!

Aadya's team, say hello to Evan's squad.

-ALL:

-Hello!

-ALL:

-Hello!

So sweet.

And finally, it's Kirsty!

-ALL:

-Hello!

Say hello to Kirsty!

ALL: Hello!

Hi, I'm Kirsty from Surrey, and I like baking cinnamon rolls.

This is my mum. Her favourite dinner's lasagne.

This is my dad.

He puts hot chilli sauce on every single meal he has.

And this is my brother and his nickname is Blueberry

because he always wears blue.

You lot mean business, I can tell.

But what will one of you be crowned with today?

It's the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course.

This prize cannot be bought.

Well, there's not really a market for it, either.

But it's still utterly amazing.

Make yourself a winner for life

by being a champion today!

Now, the living room,

the perfect place for building dens,

arguing over board games

and, of course, humiliating your parents.

Today's game is the charming

Chin It To Win It.

Kids, you'll be relying on your seniors

to win you samojis

through the ancient art of chin lip-synching.

Now, hold those chins

and bring them close to the camera.

Bring them in, bring them in!

Aadya, tell me, what does that chin feel like?

It's very ticklish.

Ticklish?

Evan, what does Alfie's mum's chin have that others don't?

It's quite sweaty and soft.

Kirsty, say to your chosen chin, "I believe in you."

I believe in you, chin!

Chin, do you believe in yourself?

Not really.

It's time to play Remotely Funny Families.

OK, get those chins ready

while I pray to the ancient god Chin Lip-Synch.

MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYS

I'm done!

Whoa!

You guys have been working hard to get those chins ready!

Oh, my goodness!

Evan, you guys decorated Alfie's mum's chin.

Can I see what it looks like?

Hmm. OK. I see a little red, brown, ghoul-y eyes. Oh, are those lashes?

They're supposed to be lashes.

I mean, they look like lashes, so I think you succeeded in that.

-Have you given the chin a name?

-Terry!

I can't wait to see Terry in action

so thank you.

-Kirsty?

-This is Bob, the Minion.

-Oh, it does look like a Minion.

Wow! I'm highly impressed.

-Aadya?

-We tried to draw a picture of my dad -

the two cheeks, the eyes and the hair.

Aadya's dad, you're going first.

Chin up!

# Ooh ooh-ooh

# This time I'm telling you I'm telling you

# We are never ever ever getting back together

# We are never ever ever getting back together... #

Round of applause. Round of applause for Aadya's dad's chin.

Aadya, how did your dad's chin do?

Funny and really cool.

Evan, is Alfie's mum's chin ready?

Are you ready, Terry?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Not Alfie's mum's chin.

TERRY, are you ready?

Terry's ready.

Chin up, Alfie's mum.

Here's your track.

# I don't think about that stuff

# It don't matter now... #

MUSIC CONTINUES

Wonderful, Alfie's mum!

Great job.

Now, Evan, Alfie, what did you think of that?

Quite normal for my mum.

Wow. Well, I enjoyed that a lot. Thank you so much.

And finally, Kirsty's dad.

I don't think I've ever seen a Minion sing Justin Bieber

but...first time. Go, track!

# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

# Sorry

# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

# Sorry

# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

# Sorry

# Yeah, I know that I let you down

# Is it too late to say sorry now? #

Yeah. Yes, Kirsty's dad's chin!

Kirsty, what did you make of that?

-Did you like that?

-The chin was good.

I mean, it's quite simple, really, isn't it?

Three samojis for best performance goes to Aadya.

One samoji to Evan for style.

And one samoji to Kirsty

for originality.

Hey, Aadya, fancy winning an extra samoji?

Well, this is your chance.

It is time to play Home Truths.

SHE PLAYS A TUNE

Home Truths!

Aadya, which of the Seven Dwarfs does your mum most resemble?

And don't hold back, my friend,

this is your chance to tell the truth.

If you both give me the same answer, you get the samoji.

You got the idea?

You've got Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy

and of course Dopey.

Do you have your answers ready?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-After three, reveal.

One, two and three...

-BOTH:

-Happy!

That means one samoji for your team.

Thank you!

Well done, everybody.

I am so proud of your parents' swaggy mentums -

that's hashtag science...for cool chins.

What has that done to the scores?

Evan and Kirsty both have one samoji.

And Aadya has taken an early lead

with four samojis.

Congratulations, Aadya.

Nice. Nice.

Now, I need a whiz. It's time to go to the bathroom.

I'm in the market for a new home.

Can you sell me your house?

Your parents won't mind.

I'll pay cash.

Lovely windows.

Oh, yes, they are lovely windows, Evan.

There's some plants on the windowsill.

I like plants.

Toilet!

Oh, lovely.

So rustic.

Well, I'll buy all your houses

if the Finnish gravy market picks up.

Which I doubt. Hopefully.

It's time for Toilet Takedown.

TOILET FLUSHES

I'm going to ask you a question,

and I want you to write your answer on the loo roll, OK?

I do all my correspondence via toilet roll, actually.

It really grabs people's attention.

Here is the question.

In America, how many million phones are estimated to be

dropped down the toilet every year?

I repeat. In America, how many million phones

are estimated to be dropped down the toilet every year?

Here's a fact. 75% of people use their phone on the toilet.

It's the most popular activity to do on the loo.

Time's up.

Does everyone have an answer?

-Yep. Yep.

-Wonderful.

Now, don't show them to me yet, come up to the screen.

Aadya, what did you write?

-1,000 million.

-1,000 million is a lot of phones, actually!

OK, what about you, Kirsty?

-70 million.

-Wonderful.

And, Evan? 100 million.

Well, the correct answer is...

..seven million,

which means Kirsty gets three samojis.

I was second closest.

It's time for the race of the century in Windup Warriors.

It's the Baby Toy Battle!

But don't be deceived by looks

because these mini-warriors want gold.

But who will be placed on the victory shelf

and who will be going back to the nursery

to be dribbled on?

Who can travel the furthest -

Yellow Caterpillar, Big Bug or Pinky the Elephant?

So take positions, because it's time for the...

Let battle commence!

Kirsty and Aadya, you're tied.

I tossed a coin and, Aadya, you're picking first.

Do you pick Yellow Caterpillar, Big Bug or Pinky the Elephant?

-Yellow Caterpillar.

-Nice. Why are you picking the caterpillar?

It has the letter A in it

and I saw "warrior" has the letter A in it.

Ooh, interesting approach!

I like that, Aadya.

-Kirsty, who do you pick?

-The elephant.

Why do you think Pinky the Elephant will do better than

-Yellow Caterpillar? Or Big Bug?

-I think he will motor.

Hmm. OK.

Evan, you have to go with Big Bug. How does that make you feel?

I think it may win on account

of its little legs just moving speedily

-across the pitch.

-I mean, that would make sense,

but we won't know until we have a look.

So, here we go.

Get your teams in for support.

Get your families in the bathroom.

Everyone needs to cheer on.

Wow.

Let's see who winds up the winner.

ALL CHEER

Three, two, one...

Go!

KLAXON

Let's watch that again.

KLAXON

Congratulations, Aadya.

Three samojis for you.

I think it might be Home Truths time...

SHE PLAYS A TUNE

Home Truths!

Evan, who is your mum's celebrity crush?

Now, if you both give me the same answer,

you get the samoji.

So think of one and write it down.

Don't show me yet.

Who is your mum's celebrity crush?

Difficult choice. So many to pick from.

-Do we have answers?

-Yeah. I've got an answer.

Come on, Evan's mum. You've got to come up with something.

-I have.

-Wonderful.

After three, reveal.

One, two, three...shout it!

-Mary Portas!

-Monty Don!

I have no idea who those people are

but you're definitely not getting a samoji. Maybe later.

Let's look at the scores.

-Evan has one glorious samoji.

-Yee-ha!

Kirsty moves on to four.

THEY CHEER

And Aadya is still in the lead with 7 samojis.

THEY CHEER

Wow. Well done. Move it! Move it to the kitchen!

-Give me a G!

-G!

-Give me an R!

-R!

Give me an A! Oh, whatever.

Today's show was sponsored by Ruskeakastike Gravy,

-the perfect way to remove your dad's grey hair.

-Oi!

It's time for Kitchen LOLympics.

Welcome to Kitchen LOLympics,

exactly the legacy London 2012 had in mind.

And today's sport, you ask?

-No, it isn't midnight snacking, Kirsty's dad.

-Oh...

You swapped your oven gloves for boxing gloves.

It's Kitchen Combat. Let's get ready to rumble!

BELL RINGS

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing first, in the red corner,

weighing in at 125lb, give or take, it's Aadya's mum,

also known as the Almighty in the boxing ring!

Next up, in the blue corner,

she's Evan's mum. She can unbox anything -

cereal, Christmas presents and post.

Nothing gets in her way.

And finally, in the other-coloured corner,

the 1998 unboxing champion, it's Crusher, Kirsty's mum!

Come on!

The aim of the game is to be the first to unbox your boxes

and hold high the Remotely Funny plaque.

Unboxers, are you ready?

Absolutely. I work with my hands.

I'm a gardener.

I'm going to open it very quickly.

I'll punch it!

Yeah! I know I'm going to be really good at this.

OK. Great. That was super convincing.

Start unboxing...now!

BELL RINGS

Come on, Aadya's mum. I know you have it.

Evan's mum, try ripping the paper.

Yes, yes. Yes!

Yes. Aadya's mum, you got it.

Oh, Kirsty's mum is almost there.

Oh... Oh, no, no, no. Come on.

Come on, come on. Home stretch, home stretch.

Evan's mum got the lid open.

Aadya's mum, great, Aadya's mum.

Oh, we got a winner!

We have a winner!

It is Kirsty's mother! Congratulations.

That's my mum right there.

THEY LAUGH

Stop, stop. Stop, stop.

I think we are good.

We already have a winner - Kirsty's mum got it,

then Aadya and then Evan.

Evan's mum is still punching the package.

Clearly, Kirsty's mum managed to unbox and hold the plaque up first.

Kirsty, what did you think of your mum's technique?

I think it was good.

She scratched a bit of the box

and it opened.

Scratching is definitely the way to go.

Evan, what did you think of your mum's technique?

Reckless.

THEY LAUGH

She was punching it.

She was punching it until the box was destroyed.

-Aadya?

-She got the box

and punched it over to the side, like that.

And then she turned the box upside down

and then the second box came out.

It was intense.

They went toe to toe,

but Aadya's mum and Evan's are knocked out.

Ladies and gentlemen, the unboxing champion

is Kirsty's mum, the Crusher!

Whoo!

CHEERING

You get three samojis.

Kirsty, it's your chance to win an extra samoji.

Are you interested?

Yes.

SHE PLAYS A TUNE

Home Truths!

Kirsty, what animal does your dad most resemble?

If you both give me the same answer,

you get one samoji.

Do you have an answer?

-I do.

-OK. After three, reveal and shout it out loud. OK?

One, two, three...shout!

-Pig!

-Monkey!

Wow. That's not very nice.

He's probably a mixture of the two.

Dad, how do you feel about that?

Not the most flattering, I don't think, no.

SNORTING

I smell samojis.

Evan has it all to do in the last round.

He's on one samoji.

And sharing the top spot is Kirsty and Aadya on seven.

THEY CHEER

Wish your team captains luck, guys.

Time to go to the bedroom.

Come on!

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

This game is called Say-What-You-See Mojis.

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

First person to buzz in

and answer correctly

wins two samojis.

Now, show me your buzzers.

WHISTLE BLOWS

BOXES CLATTER

HE STRUMS A CHORD

Wonderful. Deep breath.

THEY INHALE

Focus. Start the clock.

First say-what-you-see moji.

HE STRUMS A CHORD

-Evan?

-Art Ninja.

Yes, correct.

Here comes the next one.

It's a movie.

About a superhero who wears underwear.

HE STRUMS A CHORD

-Evan?

-Batman.

No, not correct.

BOXES CLATTER

-Kirsty?

-Oh, no!

-Captain Underpants.

-Correct.

Next one.

It's a saying.

What saying is this?

BOXES CLATTER

-Kirsty?

-Piece of cake.

Wonderful. Correct.

Next one.

It's a song by a former One Direction member.

He's Irish.

HE STRUMS A CHORD

Um... No, I've forget it.

We're out of time. It was Slow Hand by Niall Horan.

That's it. Get your teams back in the room, please.

People in room, please!

People!

I can reveal today's Remotely Funny winner...

..is...

..Kirsty!

Congratulations, Kirsty.

I will be sending you a highly prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

Aadya and Evan, you don't go HOME empty handed.

We will be sending you a money-can't-buy Remotely Funny cap,

from our sponsor, of course.

Put them on!

Yes! You love Ruskeakastike, like me.

Today's show was sponsored by Ruskeakastike Gravy,

-the perfect way to remove your dad's grey hair.

-Oi!

Big thanks to you, Aadya, Evan and Kirsty and your teams

for letting us run riot in your personal space.

You've been immense.

It's been remote.

And we've all been pretty funny.

Evan, over to you.

Play the music.

Woohoo!

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

# Oh, yeah

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Woohoo

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Woohoo

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Woohoo

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Woohoo! #

Thanks, everyone! Bye.