Great Snoring Remotely Funny

Hi, is this Piggy Pizzas, the piggiest pizza place

for pizza-loving piggies? Fabulous. Erm...

Can I have a very simple margarita, please?

Half an hour? OK, great.

Thanks.

On today's Remotely Funny...

Harley's flag face seems to be enjoying this very much.

Hi, I'm Saara and I love Finnish gravy!

Can I change that to a super piggy deluxe with the works?

No onions. Excellent.

Welcome to Remotely Funny.

Ooh, yeah!

-# Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na!

-Woo-woo!

-# Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na!

-Woo-woo!

-# Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na!

-Woo-woo!

-# Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na!

-Woo-woo!

# Ooh, yeah! #

Hi, everyone. I'm Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

the game show that causes chaos in your home.

But, more importantly, allows me to check out your curtains

and your soft furnishings.

Today I'm coming to you from Great Snoring in Norfolk.

SNORING Really?

What other bodily functions have you given place names to?

Great Yawning? YAWNING

Great Sneezing? ACHOO!

Great Underarm Sweat? OK, let's not go there.

Anyway, if I'm in Great Snoring, where are my Remotely Funny players?

First up, it is Lara.

Hello, Lara.

-ALL:

-Hello!

Hi, I'm Lara from Buckinghamshire and I love to ice skate.

This is my sister Izzy and she loves to dance.

This is my mum and she's great at embarrassing me.

And this is my dad and he is the funniest person I know.

Team Lara! I love the geek chic look.

But have you got the brains to back it up?

Hmm, I think so.

OK, well, give me some team spirit.

-ALL:

-Four heads are better than one,

we're here to win and have some fun!

Nice! Well, Lara, let's see who you're up against.

Next, it is Harley.

THEY CHEER

-ALL:

-Hello, Harley's team!

-ALL:

-Hello!

Oh, beautiful.

Hi, my name is Harley and I live in Manchester

and I have never been able to lock a door.

And then this is my cousin Bailey

and he thought Brexit was a breakfast cereal.

And then this is my mum. She can fold her ear into herself.

And then this is my uncle. He can sleep through anything.

Harley's team, are you up for this?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Well, Lara and Harley, we better meet your competition.

Finally it is Aimee! Hello, Aimee!

-HARLEY'S TEAM:

-Hi!

-LARA'S TEAM:

-Hi, Aimee!

-AIMEE'S TEAM:

-Hi!

-AIMEE:

-I'm Aimee, I'm from Yorkshire

and I once played a mouse in a pantomime.

This is my mum. She enjoys running and dancing on tabletops.

This is my friend, Scarlet. She's an amazing artist,

but she recently broke her ankle falling off a trampoline.

This is my friend, Georgie. She's a great dancer.

And this is Georgie's mum. She's a great singer

and Georgie tried to get her to audition for The Voice.

# La! #

Do you have any fighting talk for Lara and Harley?

-ALL:

-Let's make mayhem!

Ah, nice. Well, let's get started.

I think it's going to be one of those shows.

Let me tell you what one of you will be walking away with today.

It's the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course.

THEY CHEER

Wear this to parties and avoid awkward clashes.

Who wore it best?

I did, of course.

It's the fashion item that keeps on giving.

Make it yours by winning today.

Let's play Remotely Funny Families.

Your lounge will definitely need redecorating

after what it's about to experience.

Today's game is educational.

Yes, you heard me. It's time for Flag Face -

everyone's favourite flag-based game.

Kids, you will be relying on the old-timers to win you samojis

through their knowledge of world flags

and your ability to recreate it on their face.

I'm going to show you a flag and your team has 60 seconds

to paint it.

Grown-ups, once the time is up, I'm going to ask you

what your flag face is.

Three samojis for the best likeness

and one samoji for naming the country.

Lara, whose face are you going to be painting today and why?

We're going to be painting...

-..my mum's face.

-Yeah!

-Yes!

Why's that?

Because by the looks of it she doesn't want her face to be painted.

Wonderful! That's the perfect reason.

Harley, what about you? Who's flagtastic in your family?

I'm going to choose my uncle, cos he has a big head.

He has the biggest face? Mm, good.

What about you, Aimee?

I'll be painting my mum's face

because she looks like she's up for the challenge.

Nice. Well, get into position.

Adults, screw up your eyes, no peeking

or saying the country out loud.

And keep your eyes completely shut until I tell you to open them.

Here comes the flag. Look carefully.

MUSIC: Left Bank Two

It's only here for ten seconds.

KLAXON Start painting.

You might want to take your mum's glasses off.

There you go. More, more, more!

Remember, you have to cover as much of their faces as possible.

Go, go, go.

Try to remember what the flag looked like.

Green, we need green.

There you go. I see some heavy action.

Lara's mum's face.

OK, everyone, remember, you're on the clock.

Come on, guys. Come on, come on, come on, I know you can do it.

Keep going, keep going, keep going!

Harley's flag face seems to be enjoying this very much.

Nine, eight,

seven, six,

five, four,

three, two,

one. Stop painting! KLAXON

Time's up.

Let's see who's flagged and who's the artist in the making.

OK, open your eyes.

Oh, OK.

Lara, talk us through your work of art.

So, as you can see,

we have the colour contrast from the red to the yellow to the green

and the lovely stripes. It brings out the face and just a work of art.

Mm, I can tell.

Harley, how did you do?

What we did, we covered his face in green first

and then near the end, we tried to make it all colourful.

Nice.

Aimee, tell me about your art piece.

So, first we've made sure it's very clear where we've split

the borders, and we've made it very obvious where all

the different colours go and we've made them very separate

and beautiful, so it makes a complete piece of art.

Aimee, do you like your piece of art?

Yes, I think it's beautiful.

I'm going to give Lara three samojis for best likeness.

CHEERING

And, Harley, one samoji for most coverage.

Come on!

You might look like the flag, sort of,

but do you know what flag it is?

Write your answers down but don't show me yet.

After three, I want you to reveal your answers

and shout them out loud.

Does everyone have an answer?

So, one, two, three. Reveal!

-India!

-Libya!

-Trinidad!

Trinidad, India and Libya?

Nope.

It's the flag of Guyana.

Oh!

I'm ready to give a bonus samoji.

Who is ready to flip their lid?

-Yeah.

-Me, I'm deffo ready.

Lara, you're first.

I want you to nominate a team member to successfully complete

the water bottle challenge.

-I'm going to go with my dad.

-Ooh.

-Yeah!

Now, get into premium flipping position.

Take it away, Lara's dad.

You've got three goes at this.

-ALL:

-Go, Dad! Go, Dad! Go, Dad!

Oh!

First one down. You have two goes left.

Go, Dad! Go, Dad! Go, Dad! Go, Dad!

Oh!

All right, the pressure is high, Lara's dad. Come on, you can do it.

-Go, Dad!

-Go, Dad! Go, Dad! Go, Dad!

-I'm sorry.

-Aww!

No extra samoji for you.

Aimee's team have yet to score.

Harley has one samoji.

CHEERING

Lara takes an early lead with three.

CHEERING

Let's get moving. It's toilet time.

And by that I mean the game time, not the other thing.

I want you to move there as if you were the presenter

of Remotely Funny.

Me.

Hi, I'm Saara and welcome to Remotely Funny! Woo!

Hi, I'm Saara and I...

And I am from... and I'm from America.

Oh!

Hi, I'm Saara and I love Finnish gravy.

Those were nothing like me - I don't have a silly accent!

It's time for Toilet Takedown.

I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to write your answers

on the closest thing to paper which, in the bathroom, is...

..the wall!

I'm joking.

It's still the loo roll.

You'll have 10 seconds to answer the question.

Grab your loo rolls.

In 2012, Brad Jolly broke the record for most pancakes flips in a minute,

but how many times did he flip his pancake?

Fact - the largest pancake was created in Rochdale, Manchester,

in 1994. It weighed three tonnes.

We're going to need a bigger pan!

Put your pens down.

Come to the screen and hold up your answers.

Lara, what do you have?

I think 32.

Harley, what about you?

I think 100.

Aimee?

75.

The correct answer is...

..140 times.

Three samojis for Harley!

Whoa!

Come on, give me a celebration, Harley!

Woo!

It's time for the race of the century in wind-up warriors.

These ultimate rivals have wanted to race

since the invention of the wheel,

but which opponent can really go the distance?

It's yellow car,

army plane

and, er, the little cat in the red thing.

Who will be leaving the runway with the trophy

and who will have a pathetic puncture?

You decide in Wings Versus Wheels.

Harley, you're in the lead. You get to pick your toy first.

What are you going for?

-The red one.

-You chose C. Why?

Because it always seems like the slowest

or the one that doesn't look like it's going to win ends up winning.

Lara, you're in second place. Who have you gone for and why?

I'm going to go for A because it looks the fastest

and why would you not pick the fastest one?

Exactly. Aimee. That means you get the Army plane, B.

What do you think its chances of winning are?

I think they are very high because it's an Army plane

so obviously its professional job is to win.

-Yes, I mean, planes travel at high speed after all, right?

-Yes.

Are you ready for the race of the century?

-ALL:

-Yes!

Call in your supporters and tell them who they need to cheer on.

Supporters, come and cheer on the plane!

Max concentration,

max cheering, cos it's over in a lightning flash. Let's have a look.

Three,

two,

one...

Go!

Congratulations, Lara, three samojis for your team.

CHEERING

It's bonus time. I'm ready for another water bottle challenge.

Harley, who is going to be plastic fantastic for you today?

I'm going to choose Bailey cos he's good at water bottle flips.

We'll see about that. You've got three chances

to get an extra samoji. Are we in position?

-Yes.

-Wonderful. You can go for your first try.

-Come on, Bailey.

Come on, Bailey.

That was close, but it hit the wall. Two more goes.

-Come on, Bailey.

-Come on.

One last go, last chance.

No! Ah... Never mind.

It's time for a samoji count-up.

Aimee is saving everything for the next game.

Harley jumps to 4 samojis.

And Lara is still in the lead,

with six samojis.

I need a fuel stop. And by that, I mean

let's raid the naughty cupboard where all the sweets are kept.

I want you to go to the kitchen in the style of a weird weatherman

or woman. How's the weather looking?

In some places it's snowing, in some places it's rather the opposite.

-It's very stormy.

-Who knows? We never get the weather right anyway!

The outlook is good, with a strong chance of raining samojis.

It's time for Kitchen Lolympics.

All right, teams, I'm ready for lunch,

and I want you guys to make me mine. Who's up for it?

Lara, what would you like to make me?

-Pizza!

-Of course, of course.

-Harley, can you cook?

-Mash and sausage.

Mash and sausage sounds amazing.

Aimee, what's cooking in your house?

Well, we usually enjoy a spot of pasta with tomatoes and mozzarella.

Mm, sounds delicious. Well, this recipe reminds me of my grandma.

I know it off by heart. The first ingredient is vegetable soup.

Please enter your tins into your bowls.

GROANING

Next up, prunes. A whole tin!

Oh, my gosh.

GROANING

And finally, ruskeakastike, Finland's bestselling gravy.

Hold the bottle up and shout,

"I love ruskeakastike!"

-ALL:

-I love ruskeakastike!

I do too. Now, put a massive squeeze in.

Loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads.

Oh, wait, hang on, stop. Stop!

Uh, I just remembered - we weren't meant to put the prunes in

with the soup. Sorry, Grandma. GROANING

There's only one way to get them out.

But you won't be using your hands - you'll be using your heads.

It's time to play Cutlery Chaos. Get those hats and goggles on!

Where are my team captains?

Whoever gets the most prunes out of the soup and onto

the plate will be rewarded with the greatest gift of all - samojis.

Time starts now!

Remember, they have to land on the plate.

The ones on the table don't count.

INDISTINCT SHOUTS OF SUPPORT

Families, you can hold the bowl, but you can't help with the prunes.

Prunes are the enemy. They make you poo.

Pooing is healthy, though, so how are they the enemy?

Use your head, not your hands.

Ugh, everyone hates prunes, right?

Nice, nice, nice, nice.

I see Lara's going in with an interesting tactic.

SAARA COUNTS DOWN

Time's up! Stop! HOOTER

And while we count the prunes on your plates,

here's a message from our sponsor.

Today's show was sponsored by ruskeakastike gravy.

Who needs real gravy when you have ruskeakastike?

I'm not being paid by ruskeakastike, I promise.

SHOP TILL RINGS

Let's count them up, one by one. Lara, how did you do?

-No, I didn't get any.

-Ah, what a pity.

Awwww!

Harley, how many prunes do you have?

We got one.

Aimee, how many did you have?

We have two prunes.

Well, the prunes have been counted and verified.

I can reveal that the winner is indeed Aimee.

Three samojis for your team!

Well done, everyone. The hats are great, right?

-ALL:

-Yes!

-Easy to use and everything.

-Aimee...

-Yes?

-I smell a bonus samoji.

Get into position.

Remember, you've got three chances to earn the respect of the nation.

Aimee, why do you think Scarlet is going to do this for you?

Because she has brilliant hand-eye coordination.

OK, well, that's good in this game. Aimee's team, take it away.

All right, Scarlet, you have two more attempts.

Go on, Scarlet, go on, Scarlet.

One more, Scarlet, one more.

-Scarlet, Scarlet!

-Scarlet, Scarlet, Scarlet!

No! No samoji for you, Scarlet.

Let's plate up.

Aimee has made it onto the scoreboard with three samojis.

Harley is still on four samojis.

And Lara keeps the top spot with six samojis.

Team captains, be afraid and check your sweaty palms.

While your grown-ups wash down the walls, you need to head upstairs

to the bedroom of destiny.

Teams, wish them luck.

Come on, give them a cheer. CHEERING

It's the decider.

This game is called Say What You See Moji. I've never worked out why.

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant

to represent. The first person to buzz in and answer correctly

wins two samojis. Now, go get a buzzer.

I've got mine.

PF-F-F-RRT!

Aimee, what do you have and what kind of sound does it make?

It's a little pink squishy thing and it makes this sound.

SQUEAKING Wonderful. Harley, what do you have?

I've got a pan and it makes this sound.

CLANG Wonderful. Lara?

-I've got a tambourine!

-JINGLING

Perfect! Deep breath, everyone.

Focus. Start the clock.

First Say What You See Moji. It's a watery celebration.

Lara?

Um... Swimming party.

No. Anyone else?

Aimee?

-Pool party.

-Yes! Next one.

It's a drink.

-Aimee?

-Chocolate milk.

Yes. Next one, it's an animated movie starring a koala and a pig.

-Lara.

-Sing.

Yes! Next one, it's a CBBC show hosted by Susan Calman.

You need to be clever to play it.

Lara?

-Top Class.

-Yes! Last chance. It's where you wait to catch something.

SQUEAKING

-Aimee.

-Bus stop.

Yes. And that's it. Call your teams back in.

-Mum!

-Come back in.

I can reveal...

SHE IMITATES DRUM ROLL

..today's Remotely Funny winner is...

..Lara! Congratulations.

Lara, I will be sending you a highly-prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

Harley and Aimee, you don't go home empty-handed.

Here's a money-can't-buy Remotely Funny cap from our sponsor.

Put them on!

Oh, yes.

Today's show was sponsored by ruskeakastike gravy.

Who needs real gravy when you have ruskeakastike?

You love ruskeakastike, just like me.

Big thanks to you, Lara, Harley and Aimee, and your teams,

for letting us treat your homes like a playpen.

You've been immense, it's been remote

and we've all been pretty funny.

-Over to you, Lara.

-Play the music!

Bye!