Splott Remotely Funny


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Splott

Game show. Saara is in Splott in Cardiff, where she gives Lola in Berkshire, Theo in Devon and Beth in County Durham a run for their hoodie.


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Transcript


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I never thought contouring was for me, but now, yes!

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Oh! Oh, hi!

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On today's Remotely Funny...

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SCREAMING

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# Went to the show, sitting in the front row

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# In the black tracksuit and it's shut down... #

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Yeah, yeah, yeah!

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No, Halloween has not come early!

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Welcome to Remotely Funny.

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Hi, everyone. I'm Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

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the game show that brings a bit of showbiz, glitz and glamour

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to your home.

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After travelling the world looking for stiff upper lips

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and weird cucumber sandwiches,

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I've decided that the UK is the place for me.

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And today I'm coming to you from Splott in Cardiff.

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Yes, it's actually a place.

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Splott sounds like a sound effect.

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SPLAT

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Anyway, if I'm in Splott, where are my Remotely Funny players?

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First up, it is Lola. Hello, Lola. Welcome.

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-ALL:

-Hello!

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Hi, I'm Lola from Berkshire.

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My hobby is swimming, and this is my team.

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This is my mum. She's a wicked runner and she loves a cup of tea.

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-Yeah!

-This is my best friend, Jess.

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She's a massive football fan and she's a super smiler.

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This is Jess's mum.

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She loves walking her dog Freddy and she makes a sensational sponge.

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A mums-and-daughters team sounds very strong.

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Let's see who you're up against.

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It is Theo!

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-ALL:

-Hi, Theo!

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-ALL:

-Hello!

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Hi, I'm Theo from Devon, and I'm a mad Tottenham Hotspur fan.

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This is my best mate, Lenny.

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We sit next to each other at school,

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and he's the best at making silly sound effects.

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This is my mum.

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She's really good at making chicken pie and she snores.

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This is my dad.

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And he's the best at making risotto

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and he snores so loud, you can't get to sleep.

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Team Theo, have you got anything to strike fear into your competition?

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-ALL:

-Boom shaka-laka, coming at ya!

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Ooh!

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Lola's team, are you intimidated?

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-We're terrified!

-Yeah...

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You should be!

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And finally, it's Beth.

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Everyone say hi to Beth.

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-ALL:

-Hi!

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Hi, I'm Beth from County Durham and I love to sing.

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This is my mum.

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She's really kind and I just love her to pieces.

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This is my best friend, Olivia.

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She's just awesome,

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and there's nothing that I would change about her.

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Aw!

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This is my cousin, Megan.

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She's really sweet and I love to go on holidays together.

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Well, let me tell you what one of you will be winning today.

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It's the Remotely Funny hoodie.

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This prize is the reason we're all here.

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Use it for good, not evil,

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and always follow the instructions when it comes to washing.

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Beam with pride by winning this prize.

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OK, teams, it's time to get your game faces on. To the kitchen.

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Let's all do impressions of our favourite pop star.

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Project those voices!

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# Baby, baby, no! #

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# Went to the show, sitting in the front row

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# In the black tracksuit and it's shut down... #

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# One last time, I need to be the one who takes you home... #

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Today's show is sponsored by Ruskeakastike Gravy -

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1% gravy, 99% unknown.

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It's time for Kitchen Lolympics.

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Welcome to Kitchen Lolympics,

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the low-impact sport that leaves you with face-ache.

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And today's sport is Stacky Families,

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played when there's nothing better to do

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and when you've bought too many biscuits.

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The aim of the game is to stack as many cookies

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as you can on a chopping board, but there's a twist.

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Someone will be balancing it on their head.

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GASPING

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So, team captains,

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who's got necks of steel?

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Lola, who is going to be balancing the chopping board for you?

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Mum is going to be balancing the chopping board on her head,

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because she is already the tallest, so that means that we can get

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a lot on if we bundle them on top when it gets high.

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Theo, what about you?

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My mum, because she has very smooth hair.

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Mm! Nice!

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I would think your dad would be a better option.

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He has a very smooth head.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, Beth, who have you picked and why?

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I picked my mum, just because no-one else will be able to do it.

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Hm, nice!

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Well, get your heads in check.

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Time starts now!

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-Now remember, keep it steady.

-Go, go, go, go!

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Steady hands, steady hands.

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Lola, how are you doing?

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Really good.

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-Come on!

-Beth, how are you guys doing over there?

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Nice! The towers are looking high.

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Don't hold on to the tower...

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SCREAMING

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No holding on to the tower, you guys.

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Timber!

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Keep stacking, everyone, keep stacking.

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You don't have much time left.

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Remember, the team with the most cookies on top of each other

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at the end of the time wins the samojis.

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OK, Lola, Lola,

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Lola, you're doing great. Lola, you're doing great.

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Nine, eight, seven...

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-Go, go, go, go, go!

-..six, five, four,

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three, two, one,

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everyone stop stacking!

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CHEERING

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Oh!

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It is definitely Lola's team.

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CHEERING

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That's the way the cookie crumbles, my friends.

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Now, Lola and Theo, you had a tower, but Lola's was taller,

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so Lola, you get three samojis for that!

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Yay!

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And Beth, yours fell at the last minute, so hard luck.

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Bonus for Theo's team for managing to keep that tower

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till the very end.

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Yay!

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Wow!

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You guys were stacking ninjas. You did me proud.

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Now, I'm ready for a bonus samoji.

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Team Beth, this is for your team.

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Let's play Guess How Much It Holds.

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If you can guess within five balls, you'll get a samoji.

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So guess how much it holds.

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It's a bowler hat full of bouncy balls.

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-OK.

-Have you got an answer?

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How many do you think is in this hat?

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-72.

-And the answer is...

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-KLAXON

-Aw!

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Great effort. Maybe next time.

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While you digest those cookies, I'll deal with the samojis.

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Beth is yet to score, but it's early days.

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Yay!

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Theo has one samoji.

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Whoo!

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And Lola has taken an early lead with three samojis.

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Yay!

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Onwards and upwards! To the bathroom.

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Everyone take a deep breath, and as you move, say "Om!"

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Om!

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Om!

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Mm!

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The bathroom, a place of peace and solitude.

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-Everyone looked at each other's...

-Thwrrp!

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Theo!

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-That wasn't!

-Who was it then? Who was it, Theo?

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-Lola.

-Lola!

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I'm going to ask you a question,

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and I want you to write your answers on the closest thing to paper -

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loo roll.

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Here's the question.

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To the nearest thousand,

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how many times does the average human fart in their lifetime?

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Write your answers on the loo roll, and don't show me yet.

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How many farts in a lifetime?

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And this is an average, folks.

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Put your pens down.

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Now I want you to come to the screen and hold up your answers.

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Lola, what do you have?

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400,000.

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Ooh! Ambitious!

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Theo, what about you? Show me your answer.

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I have 1,050.

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Nice. Beth, you?

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-11,000.

-Mm-hm.

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Well, the correct answer is...

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..402,000, so that means Lola, you get three samojis!

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-Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!

-How did you come to that answer, Lola?

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Because my dad farts at least, like, 100 times a day.

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You do quick math.

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It's time for Wind-up Warriors.

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Today, it's the toy that can complete the most flips that wins.

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Oh, my goodness, this is Flipping Fantastic!

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In the ultimate flip-off battle, it's Mr Frog,

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Kenneth the Kangaroo,

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and Pinky the Rabbit.

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They've been training for months on a diet of only insects and grass.

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But who will do the most rotations in the time allowed?

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Pick your jumping opponent, because this is Flipping Fantastic!

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Lola, you're in the lead. You get to pick your toy first.

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I think it's going to be the kangaroo.

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Kangaroo, so that's letter B. Why do you think they will win?

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Because kangaroos bounce a lot, like, on the floor...

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Makes sense. Theo.

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You're in second place. Who's calling out to you and why?

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I'm going to go for C.

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What chances do you think the rabbit has of winning today?

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Well, rabbits can jump really high, so I think the rabbit could win.

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Beth, that means you get A, which is the frog.

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What do you think its chances of winning are?

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Frogs always jump, like,

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from lily pad to lily pad to lily pad to lily pad, so...

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We'll have to find out.

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It is time for the wind-up challenge of the year.

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I want to hear you and your team cheering your toys,

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so call your teams in

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and tell them which you picked to complete the most flips.

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Team, Lenny, Dad!

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Ow, my foot is really hurting.

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Let's see who will wind up the winner.

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Three, two, one,

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go!

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C, C, C, C! Come on, rabbit!

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Oh, no! C!

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Oh! KLAXON BLARES

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Congratulations, Beth.

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Yay!

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Three samojis for you.

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CHEERING

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You know what?

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I'm in the mood to play Guess How Much It Holds.

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And this is for you, Team Theo. Your turn.

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Theo, can you please get your whiteboard and pen?

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-Got them.

-Wonderful.

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Here it comes.

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Guess how much it holds.

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It's the Remotely Funny watering can full of sweets.

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Guess how much sweets this holds,

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the sweets being about this size each.

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Can I please see your answer, Theo?

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507.

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And it is...

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KLAXON BLARES ..312. I'm sorry, Theo.

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No samoji for you!

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Well, well, well, what do we have here?

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Theo stays on one samoji.

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Whoo!

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Beth has three samojis.

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CHEERING

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And Lola is in the lead with six.

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Now...

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# Let's live it up in the living room. #

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I'm sorry. To the living room!

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Do it in the style of your mum nagging.

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Out of bed, get dressed!

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SCREAMING

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Get out of bed!

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Eat your breakfast! Brush your teeth!

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Get out of bed! Eat your breakfast!

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Brush your teeth! Let's go!

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It is time for Remotely Funny Families.

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The lounge. It's seen it all -

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family disagreements and endless hours of TV

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all while picking you nose, hasn't it?

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Yeah! Yeah!

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I thought so too. I can see by your faces it has.

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Today's game is called Do, Wear, Shout.

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This game is for everyone to play,

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and by everyone, I mean the people on your team.

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I'm going to give you three instructions.

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The first one will be a doing thing,

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the second one will be something you need to wear while doing it

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and the third will be words you need to shout.

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All at the same time.

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The first team back doing, wearing and shouting all three things

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will win a super samoji.

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And maybe I'll give a bonus samoji if anyone impresses me.

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-Everyone ready? ALL:

-Yeah!

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Your first Do, Wear, Shout things are...

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Pretend to hula hoop, wear something stripy

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and shout, "Is dinner ready?"

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Go, go, go, go, go! Beth, go, go, go!

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You have to pretend to hula hoop,

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you have to wear something stripy and shout, "Dinner's ready!"

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Where's everyone gone? Come on, guys. Come on, guys.

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Ooh, OK.

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Lola already has something. Nice.

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Beth's team... Oh, is everyone back?

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Oh, my goodness! Where's Theo's family, oh!

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Oh, Beth's team seems to be... Oh, Lola, where's your last member?

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Oh, and we have all teams back!

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SHOUTING

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KLAXON BLARES All right, dinner's ready, OK!

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Beth, your team was back first. You get one samoji.

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CHEERING

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Now, get rid of your stripes.

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Your next Do, Wear, Shout things are...

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Do hop like a rabbit, wear a towel like a skirt

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and shout, "Are we there yet?"

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Go, go, go!

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Go!

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Come on, guys. Come on, guys.

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The first team to be back gets the samoji. This is no game.

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I mean, it is a game.

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SHOUTING

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Wear the towel like a skirt!

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SHOUTING

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KLAXON BLARES

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Yes, yes, we're there. You can stop.

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Lola, your team members were back first,

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but you weren't wearing your towels like skirts,

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so that means Theo's team gets a samoji.

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CHEERING

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OK, everyone, calm down. This is your last chance.

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Your last Do, Wear, Shout things are...

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Do play the air saxophone,

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wear something you would wear to bed

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and shout, "I didn't do it!"

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Go, go, go, go, go, go!

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Play the air saxophone, wear something you wear to bed

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and shout, "I didn't do anything!"

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Come on, remember, you have to play the air saxophone.

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You have to play the air saxophone and shout, "I didn't do anything!"

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This is carnage.

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SHOUTING

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Saxophone!

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SHOUTING CONTINUES

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KLAXON BLARES

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OK, OK, OK, OK!

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OK.

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-..do anything.

-OK, I know you didn't do anything.

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LAUGHTER

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It was a close one and I saw a lot of pyjamas,

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but Beth's team was back first, so, Beth, you get one samoji.

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Let's hope your neighbours weren't walking past the house.

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If they'd seen that, the police would certainly have been called.

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Now let's play Guess How Much It Holds.

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Team Lola, this is your turn.

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The clue is in the title.

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If you can guess within five either way of the correct answer,

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you will win a bonus samoji.

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Confer with your teams.

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So guess how much it holds.

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It's a cowboy boot full of biscuits.

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And this is the size of the biscuit.

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Lola.

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Firstly, why do you think a cowboy was keeping biscuits in his boot?

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Maybe cos if he gets hungry on his mission,

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-he can just have a little snack.

-True, true.

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Now, so give me a figure.

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151.

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Well, Lola, here's the answer.

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47. No samoji for you!

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GROANING

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Let's move on.

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Let's see who's at the top of the leaderboard.

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Theo has doubled the score with two samojis.

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Yay!

0:17:240:17:26

Beth has jumped to five.

0:17:280:17:30

CHEERING

0:17:300:17:33

And just in the lead is Lola with six.

0:17:330:17:36

CHEERING

0:17:370:17:39

It's very tight.

0:17:410:17:43

Everyone freak out. It's your final chance to win.

0:17:430:17:46

It's time to head upstairs,

0:17:460:17:48

bypassing the bathroom, that creepy cupboard and your parents' cave.

0:17:480:17:52

Teams, cheer on your captains.

0:17:530:17:57

Bring on The Decider.

0:17:570:17:59

This game is called Say What You Seemojis.

0:18:030:18:06

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

0:18:060:18:09

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins two samojis.

0:18:090:18:13

Now, show me your buzzers.

0:18:130:18:15

Lola, what do you have?

0:18:200:18:21

I have a bell.

0:18:230:18:25

What about you, Theo?

0:18:250:18:27

I have a cup and a spoon.

0:18:270:18:29

Beth, what do you have?

0:18:300:18:32

I have something that makes a whizz noise.

0:18:320:18:35

WHISTLE WHIZZES

0:18:350:18:37

Ooh! Freaky!

0:18:370:18:39

Deep breath, everyone.

0:18:390:18:41

Anyone could win. Focus.

0:18:420:18:46

Start the clock. First Say What You Seemoji.

0:18:460:18:49

It's a food you would eat at Halloween.

0:18:490:18:51

Lola.

0:18:520:18:54

Pumpkin pie.

0:18:550:18:56

Wonderful. Here comes the next one.

0:18:560:18:58

It's a movie about very unhappy feathered creatures.

0:18:580:19:00

Beth.

0:19:010:19:03

-Angry Birds!

-Yes.

0:19:030:19:05

Next. It's a trip grown-ups go on after they marry.

0:19:050:19:08

-Beth!

-Honeymoon!

-Wonderful.

0:19:090:19:12

Here comes the next one.

0:19:120:19:13

It's a name of a singer.

0:19:130:19:14

It's a bee, it's a sea, it's a...

0:19:140:19:17

Lola.

0:19:210:19:23

Bee Wave?

0:19:230:19:24

No! Anyone else?

0:19:240:19:26

It was Beyonce!

0:19:270:19:29

Last one. It's a make-up trend that happens when you cry.

0:19:290:19:32

Beth.

0:19:330:19:35

Rainbow tears.

0:19:350:19:36

No. Anyone else?

0:19:360:19:37

Lola.

0:19:400:19:42

-Crocodile tears.

-No.

0:19:420:19:44

Theo.

0:19:440:19:46

Tears on the ground?

0:19:460:19:47

Close, but it was glitter tears.

0:19:470:19:49

And that's time up. Wonderful work, everyone, wonderful work.

0:19:490:19:54

That's it. Get your teams back in the room.

0:19:540:19:56

Back in the room!

0:19:590:20:01

It is time for me to reveal...

0:20:030:20:05

SHE VOCALISES DRUM ROLL

0:20:060:20:10

..today's Remotely Funny winner is...

0:20:100:20:13

..Beth! Congratulations, Beth!

0:20:230:20:25

SCREAMING

0:20:250:20:27

Beth, I will be sending you the glorious and desirable

0:20:310:20:34

Remotely Funny hoodie.

0:20:340:20:36

Lola and Theo, you don't go home empty-handed.

0:20:360:20:40

Here's a money-can't-buy Remotely Funny cap from our sponsor.

0:20:400:20:43

Put them on!

0:20:430:20:44

-Yes! Nice!

-You love Ruskeakastike just like me!

0:20:470:20:52

Today's show was sponsored by Ruskeakastike Gravy -

0:20:520:20:55

1% gravy, 99% unknown.

0:20:550:20:57

CHEERING

0:20:570:21:00

Shout, "I love Ruskeakastike!"

0:21:000:21:03

ALL: I love Ruskeakastike!

0:21:030:21:06

So do I.

0:21:070:21:08

LAUGHTER

0:21:080:21:09

Now, big thanks to Lola, Theo and Beth

0:21:090:21:12

and your teams for letting us behave like the worst house guests ever.

0:21:120:21:16

You've been immense, it's been remote

0:21:160:21:18

and we've all been pretty funny.

0:21:180:21:20

Beth, over to you.

0:21:200:21:21

-Play the music!

-Whoo!

0:21:210:21:24

MUSIC: Remotely Funny Theme

0:21:240:21:27

Bye!

0:21:470:21:49

Saara connects to contestants from her favourite-sounding place name... Splott in Cardiff. She'll be giving Lola in Berkshire, Theo in Devon and Beth in County Durham a run for their hoodie in another chaos-causing episode of Remotely Funny. Players will be stacking cookies on parents' heads in the kitchen, playing the air saxophone whilst wearing pyjamas in the living room and answering a classic Toilet Takedown question on the loo. Also, Saara introduces the ground-breaking, bonus round of Guess How Much It Holds to ask the question - how many biscuits can you get in a cowboy boot?