Splott Remotely Funny

I never thought contouring was for me, but now, yes!

Oh! Oh, hi!

On today's Remotely Funny...

SCREAMING

# Went to the show, sitting in the front row

# In the black tracksuit and it's shut down... #

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

No, Halloween has not come early!

Welcome to Remotely Funny.

Hi, everyone. I'm Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

the game show that brings a bit of showbiz, glitz and glamour

to your home.

After travelling the world looking for stiff upper lips

and weird cucumber sandwiches,

I've decided that the UK is the place for me.

And today I'm coming to you from Splott in Cardiff.

Yes, it's actually a place.

Splott sounds like a sound effect.

SPLAT

Anyway, if I'm in Splott, where are my Remotely Funny players?

First up, it is Lola. Hello, Lola. Welcome.

-ALL:

-Hello!

Hi, I'm Lola from Berkshire.

My hobby is swimming, and this is my team.

This is my mum. She's a wicked runner and she loves a cup of tea.

-Yeah!

-This is my best friend, Jess.

She's a massive football fan and she's a super smiler.

This is Jess's mum.

She loves walking her dog Freddy and she makes a sensational sponge.

A mums-and-daughters team sounds very strong.

Let's see who you're up against.

It is Theo!

-ALL:

-Hi, Theo!

-ALL:

-Hello!

Hi, I'm Theo from Devon, and I'm a mad Tottenham Hotspur fan.

This is my best mate, Lenny.

We sit next to each other at school,

and he's the best at making silly sound effects.

This is my mum.

She's really good at making chicken pie and she snores.

This is my dad.

And he's the best at making risotto

and he snores so loud, you can't get to sleep.

Team Theo, have you got anything to strike fear into your competition?

-ALL:

-Boom shaka-laka, coming at ya!

Ooh!

Lola's team, are you intimidated?

-We're terrified!

-Yeah...

You should be!

And finally, it's Beth.

Everyone say hi to Beth.

-ALL:

-Hi!

Hi, I'm Beth from County Durham and I love to sing.

This is my mum.

She's really kind and I just love her to pieces.

This is my best friend, Olivia.

She's just awesome,

and there's nothing that I would change about her.

Aw!

This is my cousin, Megan.

She's really sweet and I love to go on holidays together.

Well, let me tell you what one of you will be winning today.

It's the Remotely Funny hoodie.

This prize is the reason we're all here.

Use it for good, not evil,

and always follow the instructions when it comes to washing.

Beam with pride by winning this prize.

OK, teams, it's time to get your game faces on. To the kitchen.

Let's all do impressions of our favourite pop star.

Project those voices!

# Baby, baby, no! #

# Went to the show, sitting in the front row

# In the black tracksuit and it's shut down... #

# One last time, I need to be the one who takes you home... #

Today's show is sponsored by Ruskeakastike Gravy -

1% gravy, 99% unknown.

It's time for Kitchen Lolympics.

Welcome to Kitchen Lolympics,

the low-impact sport that leaves you with face-ache.

And today's sport is Stacky Families,

played when there's nothing better to do

and when you've bought too many biscuits.

The aim of the game is to stack as many cookies

as you can on a chopping board, but there's a twist.

Someone will be balancing it on their head.

GASPING

So, team captains,

who's got necks of steel?

Lola, who is going to be balancing the chopping board for you?

Mum is going to be balancing the chopping board on her head,

because she is already the tallest, so that means that we can get

a lot on if we bundle them on top when it gets high.

Theo, what about you?

My mum, because she has very smooth hair.

Mm! Nice!

I would think your dad would be a better option.

He has a very smooth head.

LAUGHTER

Well, Beth, who have you picked and why?

I picked my mum, just because no-one else will be able to do it.

Hm, nice!

Well, get your heads in check.

Time starts now!

-Now remember, keep it steady.

-Go, go, go, go!

Steady hands, steady hands.

Lola, how are you doing?

Really good.

-Come on!

-Beth, how are you guys doing over there?

Nice! The towers are looking high.

Don't hold on to the tower...

SCREAMING

No holding on to the tower, you guys.

Timber!

Keep stacking, everyone, keep stacking.

You don't have much time left.

Remember, the team with the most cookies on top of each other

at the end of the time wins the samojis.

OK, Lola, Lola,

Lola, you're doing great. Lola, you're doing great.

Nine, eight, seven...

-Go, go, go, go, go!

-..six, five, four,

three, two, one,

everyone stop stacking!

CHEERING

Oh!

It is definitely Lola's team.

CHEERING

That's the way the cookie crumbles, my friends.

Now, Lola and Theo, you had a tower, but Lola's was taller,

so Lola, you get three samojis for that!

Yay!

And Beth, yours fell at the last minute, so hard luck.

Bonus for Theo's team for managing to keep that tower

till the very end.

Yay!

Wow!

You guys were stacking ninjas. You did me proud.

Now, I'm ready for a bonus samoji.

Team Beth, this is for your team.

Let's play Guess How Much It Holds.

If you can guess within five balls, you'll get a samoji.

So guess how much it holds.

It's a bowler hat full of bouncy balls.

-OK.

-Have you got an answer?

How many do you think is in this hat?

-72.

-And the answer is...

-KLAXON

-Aw!

Great effort. Maybe next time.

While you digest those cookies, I'll deal with the samojis.

Beth is yet to score, but it's early days.

Yay!

Theo has one samoji.

Whoo!

And Lola has taken an early lead with three samojis.

Yay!

Onwards and upwards! To the bathroom.

Everyone take a deep breath, and as you move, say "Om!"

Om!

Om!

Mm!

The bathroom, a place of peace and solitude.

-Everyone looked at each other's...

-Thwrrp!

Theo!

-That wasn't!

-Who was it then? Who was it, Theo?

-Lola.

-Lola!

I'm going to ask you a question,

and I want you to write your answers on the closest thing to paper -

loo roll.

Here's the question.

To the nearest thousand,

how many times does the average human fart in their lifetime?

Write your answers on the loo roll, and don't show me yet.

How many farts in a lifetime?

And this is an average, folks.

Put your pens down.

Now I want you to come to the screen and hold up your answers.

Lola, what do you have?

400,000.

Ooh! Ambitious!

Theo, what about you? Show me your answer.

I have 1,050.

Nice. Beth, you?

-11,000.

-Mm-hm.

Well, the correct answer is...

..402,000, so that means Lola, you get three samojis!

-Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!

-How did you come to that answer, Lola?

Because my dad farts at least, like, 100 times a day.

You do quick math.

It's time for Wind-up Warriors.

Today, it's the toy that can complete the most flips that wins.

Oh, my goodness, this is Flipping Fantastic!

In the ultimate flip-off battle, it's Mr Frog,

Kenneth the Kangaroo,

and Pinky the Rabbit.

They've been training for months on a diet of only insects and grass.

But who will do the most rotations in the time allowed?

Pick your jumping opponent, because this is Flipping Fantastic!

Lola, you're in the lead. You get to pick your toy first.

I think it's going to be the kangaroo.

Kangaroo, so that's letter B. Why do you think they will win?

Because kangaroos bounce a lot, like, on the floor...

Makes sense. Theo.

You're in second place. Who's calling out to you and why?

I'm going to go for C.

What chances do you think the rabbit has of winning today?

Well, rabbits can jump really high, so I think the rabbit could win.

Beth, that means you get A, which is the frog.

What do you think its chances of winning are?

Frogs always jump, like,

from lily pad to lily pad to lily pad to lily pad, so...

We'll have to find out.

It is time for the wind-up challenge of the year.

I want to hear you and your team cheering your toys,

so call your teams in

and tell them which you picked to complete the most flips.

Team, Lenny, Dad!

Ow, my foot is really hurting.

Let's see who will wind up the winner.

Three, two, one,

go!

C, C, C, C! Come on, rabbit!

Oh, no! C!

Oh! KLAXON BLARES

Congratulations, Beth.

Yay!

Three samojis for you.

CHEERING

You know what?

I'm in the mood to play Guess How Much It Holds.

And this is for you, Team Theo. Your turn.

Theo, can you please get your whiteboard and pen?

-Got them.

-Wonderful.

Here it comes.

Guess how much it holds.

It's the Remotely Funny watering can full of sweets.

Guess how much sweets this holds,

the sweets being about this size each.

Can I please see your answer, Theo?

507.

And it is...

KLAXON BLARES ..312. I'm sorry, Theo.

No samoji for you!

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Theo stays on one samoji.

Whoo!

Beth has three samojis.

CHEERING

And Lola is in the lead with six.

Now...

# Let's live it up in the living room. #

I'm sorry. To the living room!

Do it in the style of your mum nagging.

Out of bed, get dressed!

SCREAMING

Get out of bed!

Eat your breakfast! Brush your teeth!

Get out of bed! Eat your breakfast!

Brush your teeth! Let's go!

It is time for Remotely Funny Families.

The lounge. It's seen it all -

family disagreements and endless hours of TV

all while picking you nose, hasn't it?

Yeah! Yeah!

I thought so too. I can see by your faces it has.

Today's game is called Do, Wear, Shout.

This game is for everyone to play,

and by everyone, I mean the people on your team.

I'm going to give you three instructions.

The first one will be a doing thing,

the second one will be something you need to wear while doing it

and the third will be words you need to shout.

All at the same time.

The first team back doing, wearing and shouting all three things

will win a super samoji.

And maybe I'll give a bonus samoji if anyone impresses me.

-Everyone ready? ALL:

-Yeah!

Your first Do, Wear, Shout things are...

Pretend to hula hoop, wear something stripy

and shout, "Is dinner ready?"

Go, go, go, go, go! Beth, go, go, go!

You have to pretend to hula hoop,

you have to wear something stripy and shout, "Dinner's ready!"

Where's everyone gone? Come on, guys. Come on, guys.

Ooh, OK.

Lola already has something. Nice.

Beth's team... Oh, is everyone back?

Oh, my goodness! Where's Theo's family, oh!

Oh, Beth's team seems to be... Oh, Lola, where's your last member?

Oh, and we have all teams back!

SHOUTING

KLAXON BLARES All right, dinner's ready, OK!

Beth, your team was back first. You get one samoji.

CHEERING

Now, get rid of your stripes.

Your next Do, Wear, Shout things are...

Do hop like a rabbit, wear a towel like a skirt

and shout, "Are we there yet?"

Go, go, go!

Go!

Come on, guys. Come on, guys.

The first team to be back gets the samoji. This is no game.

I mean, it is a game.

SHOUTING

Wear the towel like a skirt!

SHOUTING

KLAXON BLARES

Yes, yes, we're there. You can stop.

Lola, your team members were back first,

but you weren't wearing your towels like skirts,

so that means Theo's team gets a samoji.

CHEERING

OK, everyone, calm down. This is your last chance.

Your last Do, Wear, Shout things are...

Do play the air saxophone,

wear something you would wear to bed

and shout, "I didn't do it!"

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Play the air saxophone, wear something you wear to bed

and shout, "I didn't do anything!"

Come on, remember, you have to play the air saxophone.

You have to play the air saxophone and shout, "I didn't do anything!"

This is carnage.

SHOUTING

Saxophone!

SHOUTING CONTINUES

KLAXON BLARES

OK, OK, OK, OK!

OK.

-..do anything.

-OK, I know you didn't do anything.

LAUGHTER

It was a close one and I saw a lot of pyjamas,

but Beth's team was back first, so, Beth, you get one samoji.

Let's hope your neighbours weren't walking past the house.

If they'd seen that, the police would certainly have been called.

Now let's play Guess How Much It Holds.

Team Lola, this is your turn.

The clue is in the title.

If you can guess within five either way of the correct answer,

you will win a bonus samoji.

Confer with your teams.

So guess how much it holds.

It's a cowboy boot full of biscuits.

And this is the size of the biscuit.

Lola.

Firstly, why do you think a cowboy was keeping biscuits in his boot?

Maybe cos if he gets hungry on his mission,

-he can just have a little snack.

-True, true.

Now, so give me a figure.

151.

Well, Lola, here's the answer.

47. No samoji for you!

GROANING

Let's move on.

Let's see who's at the top of the leaderboard.

Theo has doubled the score with two samojis.

Yay!

Beth has jumped to five.

CHEERING

And just in the lead is Lola with six.

CHEERING

It's very tight.

Everyone freak out. It's your final chance to win.

It's time to head upstairs,

bypassing the bathroom, that creepy cupboard and your parents' cave.

Teams, cheer on your captains.

Bring on The Decider.

This game is called Say What You Seemojis.

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins two samojis.

Now, show me your buzzers.

Lola, what do you have?

I have a bell.

What about you, Theo?

I have a cup and a spoon.

Beth, what do you have?

I have something that makes a whizz noise.

WHISTLE WHIZZES

Ooh! Freaky!

Deep breath, everyone.

Anyone could win. Focus.

Start the clock. First Say What You Seemoji.

It's a food you would eat at Halloween.

Lola.

Pumpkin pie.

Wonderful. Here comes the next one.

It's a movie about very unhappy feathered creatures.

Beth.

-Angry Birds!

-Yes.

Next. It's a trip grown-ups go on after they marry.

-Beth!

-Honeymoon!

-Wonderful.

Here comes the next one.

It's a name of a singer.

It's a bee, it's a sea, it's a...

Lola.

Bee Wave?

No! Anyone else?

It was Beyonce!

Last one. It's a make-up trend that happens when you cry.

Beth.

Rainbow tears.

No. Anyone else?

Lola.

-Crocodile tears.

-No.

Theo.

Tears on the ground?

Close, but it was glitter tears.

And that's time up. Wonderful work, everyone, wonderful work.

That's it. Get your teams back in the room.

Back in the room!

It is time for me to reveal...

SHE VOCALISES DRUM ROLL

..today's Remotely Funny winner is...

..Beth! Congratulations, Beth!

SCREAMING

Beth, I will be sending you the glorious and desirable

Remotely Funny hoodie.

Lola and Theo, you don't go home empty-handed.

Here's a money-can't-buy Remotely Funny cap from our sponsor.

Put them on!

-Yes! Nice!

-You love Ruskeakastike just like me!

Today's show was sponsored by Ruskeakastike Gravy -

1% gravy, 99% unknown.

CHEERING

Shout, "I love Ruskeakastike!"

ALL: I love Ruskeakastike!

So do I.

LAUGHTER

Now, big thanks to Lola, Theo and Beth

and your teams for letting us behave like the worst house guests ever.

You've been immense, it's been remote

and we've all been pretty funny.

Beth, over to you.

-Play the music!

-Whoo!

MUSIC: Remotely Funny Theme

Bye!