Mumbles Remotely Funny

Have you heard back from Steve Spielberg yet?

Oh. They want to go with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson instead of me?

Oh, yeah, yeah, no, I understand, yeah. That's just great.

AGH!

Remember, we have a limited amount of time!

Dylan's enjoying this a bit too much.

I've put myself down the lavvy for nowt!

And get me a date with Harry Styles or you're fired!

Welcome to Remotely Funny!

# O-o-o-o-o-o-o-h

# Yeah!

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# O-o-o-o-o-o-o-h

# Yeah! #

Hey, everyone.

I'm Saara, and this is Remotely Funny, the game show that,

if I have my way, will end all other game shows.

EVIL LAUGHTER

After travelling the world as part

of the Finnish water bottle flipping team,

it was time for me to retire from international competitions.

And I've decided that the UK is the place for me.

And today I'm coming to you from...

SHE MUMBLES ..in Swansea.

I said Mumbles Pier in Swansea!

Anyway, if I'm in Swansea,

where are my Remotely Funny players?

-Up first, it's Nerys! ALL:

-Hello!

Hi, my name is Nerys,

I live in South Wales and I love to do break dancing.

This is my mum and she loves to wear fancy dress.

This is Tia, she always has a smile on her face.

And she's my friend.

SHE SPEAK IN WELSH

This is Tia's mum, and she never answers her phone.

Hello, Nerys' cheerleading squad.

We're about to meet your competition,

so let me hear your team's fighting talk.

Go Nerys and her dragons!

OK, that's nice.

Let's see who you're up against.

It's Dylan!

Hello, Dylan. CHEERING

Hi, my name is Dylan, and I'm from Cornwall, and I love dogs.

This is my brother, and he's a gaming king.

This is my mum, and she's really good at yoga.

And this is my uncle, and he's really, really funny.

-And this is my team.

-ALL:

-Yay!

Yay!

You're a colourful looking bunch.

Dylan, does your team have a chant?

We're here to play, no time for chilling.

Who are we? We are Team Dylan!

I like it. Finally, it's... What's this? Hey, what's happening?

-Is anyone back?

-Hello, cocker! I can hear you loud and clear.

Hacker, you've tried this before. This is my show.

I know, but I've completed an online IT course and I've found a way

-to edit myself into the games.

-You haven't even got a team!

And you know you can't win, right?

Listen, Saara, I've not seen any animals compete

in this whole series. You need some dog-versity on this show.

OK, fine. You can join in but no-one else can hear you, just me.

-Lucky me.

-Hey, cheeky.

Hello, I'm Hacker from Wigan, and three facts about me are

I love meat paste sandwiches,

Sue Barker's my favourite person on telly,

and I've got the most lovely little ankles.

Come on, then, Hacker, every good team needs a chant. What's yours?

I'm here, I'm Hacker, and I'm going to win! Ruff!

OK, let me tell you what one of you will be winning today.

It's the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course!

This prize is more expensive than unicorn poop.

Do you know how much unicorn poop costs? Loads! That's how much.

Stand out in a crowd by winning this life-changing hoodie.

It's quite glorious, if I do say so myself. To the kitchen!

Let's all head to the kitchen in the style of someone

who is really, really hungry.

THEY GROAN

Food!

Oh, give me food!

Look at this foodstuff. Yes!

It's time for Kitchen Lolympics.

All right, Dylan and Nerys, I'm starving.

I want you guys to make me a delectable dish

from around the world.

This recipe actually looks delicious.

Now, the first ingredient is spaghetti.

Wait, hang on. Hacker!

-How did you get all the ingredients?

-I won't reveal my sauces.

It's a little food joke. Sauces. Ha-ha! I liked it.

Fine. Play along, too.

OK, everyone, please empty your spaghetti tins into your bowls.

There we are.

Next up is black olives.

A whole jar, which seems a lot, I guess.

In the bowl?

-Ugh!

-Ugh!

And, finally, ruskeakastike, Finland's premium gravy.

Hold up the bottle and shout "I love ruskeakastike!"

-ALL:

-I love...!

-THEY MANGLE THE NAME

Wonderful.

Now, put a massive squeeze in, stir it into your spaghetti,

mix it up real good.

-ALL:

-Ugh!

-There we go.

-Oh, no, no, no. Stop!

Oh, no, I've made a mistake.

Um... We weren't meant to put the olives in the spaghetti.

There's only one way to get them out.

But you won't be using your hands.

You'll be using your heads.

Let's play Cutlery Chaos.

You'll have 60 seconds to get as many olives out of the spaghetti

and onto that plate.

Whoever gets the most out...

..will be rewarded the greatest gift of all. Three Samojis!

CHEERING

I look like an astronaut with a spoon on my head.

OK, nice. Time...

..starts...

..now! 60 seconds on the clock! Come on.

I don't want to mess up this dish.

We've used up so much of my precious gravy.

Remember, use your head, not your hands. Only your head.

Oh, I see the hat falling off. Come on, guys.

You must give your best effort.

I don't want any of those olives.

Yes, hands off the hats. Remember, we have a limited amount of time.

Come on, guys, come on, guys!

Keep going!

Nine, eight, seven, six,

-five, four, three, two, one... HACKER:

-I'm starving!

HOOTER

..finished!

Nerys, can you count the olives on your plate, please.

I think we've done good because we got 12 olives.

12 olives? Hm.

-We got...

-One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine!

I'm actually impressed. Hacker, how did you do?

I count them, yeah?

One...two...

..three? I've only got three on the plate.

Well, everyone, the olives have been counted and verified,

and I can reveal that the winner is...

..Nerys!

CHEERING

Three Samojis for your team.

Come a little closer, Nerys.

It's time for our first bonus game of Guess What I'm Thinking.

Exciting, isn't it?

Well, all you've got to do is find the item in the kitchen that

I'm thinking of. You'll have 10 seconds to bring it back to me, OK?

Come closer and look me in the eyes.

Focus.

What am I thinking?

Go get it.

All right, I'll get it.

I got it.

So, Nerys, what did you bring back and why?

I brought back a tin of biscuits because everyone loves biscuits.

-HACKER:

-Are they dog biscuits?

-Hacker, calm yourself.

-Oh.

Let's see what the correct answer is.

It was tin opener, I'm sorry, Nerys. I thought all kids could read minds.

Thankfully, you can't.

Let's see what that's done to the scores.

Dylan has yet to score.

And Nerys takes the early lead with three Samojis!

CHEERING

-Oh, and Hacker hasn't got any Samojis, either.

-No Samojis?

I've been playing my little paws off here.

Onwards to your parents' quiet place - the toilet.

And I want you to go to it in the style of an opera singer.

SHE IMITATES SOPRANO

NERYS SINGS HIGH NOTE

DYLAN SHOUTS LOUDLY

La-la-la-la-la-la lavatory! Yes!

Ah, the bathroom.

You couldn't live without it but you wouldn't want to live in it.

Not the way yours smell, anyway. SHE COUGHS

Hacker, are you toilet trained?

-Of course I'm not, cocker, no.

-That's just gross.

I'm going to ask Nerys and Dylan a question.

Feel free to have a guess, too, Hacker.

And I want you to write your answers on the closest thing to paper,

which, in the bathroom, is the toilet roll.

You'll have 10 seconds to answer the question.

Now, grab your toilet rolls!

Here it is.

In a lifetime, how many days does the average person spend

looking for the TV remote control?

Quick fact - the largest television remote control

is 4.5m long, and was made in India.

All right, everyone put your pens down.

I want you to come to the screen and hold up your answers

and tell me what you wrote.

Nerys, what did you write?

-Two days.

-Two days? All right.

Dylan, what do you have?

-Seven.

-OK, and...Hacker?

I've written seven, so, there.

Well, the correct answer is...

..14 days!

That's two whole weeks. Two weeks!

Well done, Dylan, that's three Samojis for you.

CHEERING

-Oh, and three for you, too, Hacker. Amazing.

-Hurray! I'm so talented!

I'm down the lavvy and I'm enjoying it.

It's time for the race to end all races.

It's Wind-Up Warriors.

It's Fastest Feet.

After years of evolution,

these competitors have developed the key skill of...walking.

But who will be going the distance today? Will it be Nifty Nana?

Fast Fowl? Or perhaps Big Boots?

Who will be treating themselves to a pedicure?

And who will be getting blisters?

You decide in Fastest Feet!

Because Dylan and Nerys are tied,

we've picked your names out of a hat to see who picks first.

Nerys, you can pick your toy first.

I want to pick A.

Why do you think they will win?

Because A is a granny, and grannies are cool.

I love grannies.

Dylan, you pick second.

Who have you gone for and why?

I pick C, the boots,

because they'll probably just run and run

and run, and then they'll go fastest and win.

Hm. Logical thinking there.

Hacker, seeing as you're still here, you can have B.

Oh! The chicken?

-Ask your teams to come and join you.

-Come on, team!

-We want everyone cheering on your toys.

-I'm a one-dog team, baby.

Are you ready to cheer on your toy?

CHEERING

Come on, you pesky chicken!

Great, let's see who'll wind up the winner.

Three...

..two...

..one...

..GO!

CHEERING

Oh!

Yeah! Come on, you can do it! You can do it, you pesky chicken.

CHEERING

Congratulations, Dylan, three Samojis for your team!

CHEERING

-Dylan?

-Yeah?

-Come closer to me, Dylan.

-Close enough?

-Yes.

It's time for your bonus game of Guess What I'm Thinking.

How much would you like a bonus Samoji?

About 1 million years.

Well, all you've got to do is find the item in the bathroom that

I'm thinking of. Nerys, any advice for reading my mind to Dylan?

Just try and think of what's she's saying.

I didn't really do mine so do better than me.

-Yeah, thanks.

-Wonderful. Dylan... let's start.

Are you getting it?

Yes, I think I've got it.

Oh! Dylan's a genius.

Your mum's loofah and your nana's nail clippers, go and get those!

Forget it, Hacker, Dylan can't hear you.

Dylan, what did you bring and why?

I brought soap because you use that to wash your hands

and the sinks in the bathroom.

Let's have a look at what I was actually thinking about.

Bath mat. Sorry, Dylan. Not today.

Let's check in with the Samoji scoreboard.

Nerys...

..has three Samojis.

CHEERING

And Dylan takes the lead with six.

CHEERING

-And, Hacker, you still have three.

-Only three?

I've put myself down the lavvy for nowt!

Now, back downstairs, you toilet tormentors. To the lounge!

Do it in the style of an emergency vehicle.

THEY IMITATE EMERGENCY SIRENS

Nee-naw-nee-naw... Oh!

I love my job. I think it's time for Remotely Funny families.

Your lounge is about to see something

that can only be described as horrifying

because today's game is something that can never be unseen.

Strictly cringe.

EVIL LAUGHTER

I'm going to show the older members of your team a video,

and they need to recreate the moves. I know, it sounds scary.

It is scary.

They'll also be wearing pedometers as the aim of the game is to

win maximum steps. And, guess what, this time you get...

..two seniors dancing for double the "Oh, no!" factor.

-Nerys, how are you feeling about this?

-Excited.

I feel like we're going to win,

and I feel like I'm going to be embarrassed.

So good!

Dylan, what about you?

-Horrified, scared!

-Well, you should be.

-Hacker?

-What?

You don't have a team, so you'll just have to dance double the speed.

OK, dancers, look at this for inspiration.

# All my ladies wind to the left, sway to the right

# Drop it down low and take it back high

# No, I don't need introduction

# Follow my simple instruction... #

Show me that your pedometers are set to zero. Do I see two zeros?

Two zeros each. Hacker, is yours set to zero?

Right, they're prepped, I'm ready when you are. Let's do this thang!

OK, guys, this is it.

Ready?

GO!

# Say that you're bossy cos you are the boss

# Buy anything, you don't care what it costs

# Stacked like casino, Armani, Moschino

# If you're The Supreme then I'm Diana Ross

# All my ladies wind to the left, sway to the right

# Drop it down low and take it back high... #

Dylan is enjoying this a bit too much. Which is good, of course.

Remember, the most steps gets three Samojis!

La, la, la...

# You know I don't need introduction

-# Follow my simple instruction... #

-HOOTER

Stop dancing! Stop!

Woo! I worked up a little sweat there.

Nerys, what did you think of your team's dancing?

We went crazy, we went for it, and we're going to win!

CHEERING

-Dylan?

-I feel horrified.

Hacker, those hairy legs can really move.

Well, hold up your pedometers. Let's see who's stepped to Samoji heaven.

Dylan has 223.

Nerys has 297.

And Hacker has 189.

Three Samojis for maximum dance steps goes to Nerys' team.

CHEERING

Oh, OK, I give in.

Bonus Samoji goes to Hacker for artistic dancing.

Oh, a pity Samoji. I'll still take it, cocker.

And one Samoji to Dylan's team for cringe.

CHEERING

In your face!

Hacker, come closer, will you?

Yeah, what do you want now?

It's time for our final bonus game of Guess What I'm Thinking.

-Are you ready?

-I already know what you're thinking.

And it's not pretty.

Dylan, you've already done this.

How did you try to read my mind?

Think of the most less obvious thing.

Say you're in a bathroom, get...

..toilet roll. Don't get toilet roll, get...

..the bath curtains.

OK, Hacker, look into my eyes.

Not around the eyes, in the eyes.

-Do you have it?

-Yes! I've got it, cocker!

-Go get it!

-Right, I will do.

It's just here, actually. How convenient.

-OK, Hacker, what did you bring and why?

-I've brought this.

-A lovely, month-old sausage sandwich.

-What? Why?

I've been saving it for a special occasion.

HE SNIFFS IT

I do like a sausage sandwich,

but let's see what the correct answer is.

Family photo! I'm sorry, Hacker, not this time.

This is what my family looks like.

My auntie's a tomato.

So, where does that leave us?

Nerys now has six Samojis.

CHEERING

And Dylan is just in front with seven Samojis.

CHEERING

And Hacker, despite surprisingly hacking into the show,

has four Samojis.

Oh, I can't even hack into it properly!

That does look nice, though.

OK, upstairs!

Nerys and Dylan, it's all to play for.

Hacker, you can play, too.

I like a laugh. Yes, they're on their own from now on.

Oh, no. OK, let's do it.

It's The Decider!

This game is called Say-What-You-See-Mojis.

Look at my Samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins two Samojis.

Start the clock. First one.

-Hacker!

-Arty football.

No. Dylan.

-Paintball?

-Yes, correct. Next one.

It's an animated movie.

Dylan.

Kung Fu Panda 3.

Yes, wonderful. Next one.

-It's a song by Bruno Mars.

-I know!

-Hacker!

Eating Carrots Whilst Dressed As A Wizard 24 Hours A Day.

No, weirdly not that.

Nerys.

24 Carat Magic.

Wonderful. And here comes the next one.

It's a trend for making really colourful things to eat.

Nerys?

Rainbow snow cone?

No. Anyone else? Dylan?

Rainbow... Ice cream. I don't know.

-I know!

-Hacker.

Fancy horse ice cream.

-No. That was unicorn food.

-That's not a thing!

Yes, it is. Next one. Last chance.

What is this? Dylan.

Horseshoe?

Yes. That's it. Get your teams back in the room.

Come on, team.

Team!

Invisible team, come in here!

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

Must be me, it's easy this, I've definitely won.

..Dylan! Congratulations, Dylan.

I will be sending you a highly prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

Nerys, you don't go home empty-handed.

We will be sending you a money-can't-buy Remotely Funny cap

from our sponsor. Put it on!

Nice.

Hacker, lucky for you, I've got a spare.

Fantastic, where is it?

There it is. Furious. That's gone all over the floor.

Everyone shout "I love ruskeakastike!"

-ALL:

-I love ruskeakastike!

I love russ-miss-mass-mer-mar!

Wonderful, wonderful.

Today's show was sponsored by ruskeakastike,

the gravy you can smell 100 miles away.

Big thanks to Nerys and Dylan and your teams for letting us

run wild in your palatial abodes.

And to Hacker for editing himself unexpectedly into the show.

-That's what I do!

-You've been immense.

It's been remote, and we've all been pretty funny.

Take it away, Nerys.

Play that music!

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# O-o-o-o-o-o-o-h

# Yeah!

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na na-na... #

-Bye! Thanks, everyone!

-Thanks forever playing.

# O-o-o-o-o-o-o-h

# Yeah! #