A*M*E Sam & Mark's Big Friday Wind Up

# Wind me up, put me down

# Start me up and watch me go

# It's easy once you know how it's done

# You can't stop now it's already begun. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your hosts.

They're crazy, they're kooky

and they've washed especially for this evening.

It's Sam and Mark!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How are you doing?

-Bub-bup, bub-bup, bub-bup!

-Come on!

-Yes, yes, yes, yes!

-Oh, yeah, baby!

-Welcome to the weekend!

-Oh!

CHEERING

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, yes.

-Yes, it's Friday.

-We're Sam and Mark.

-So that can mean only one thing...

-Welcome to Countryfile.

-No.

LAUGHTER

-He's winding you up, of course.

-Winding you up.

That's the name of the show. It's written in giant letters.

-Big Friday Wind-Up, people.

-Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And have we got a show for you?

-Have we?

-I don't know, that's why I was asking.

-Of course, we have.

We've got games, pranks

and surprises in store for some lucky or unlucky members of our audience.

-AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-Yeah, you're right.

Someone here will be put under pressure by one of TV's

most unpredictable superstars. But they don't know it yet.

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

LAUGHTER

-You all right?

-Yeah, I am now.

-Good!

We'll also be seeing what happened when Mark and I went undercover

with our hidden cameras , to fool some unsuspecting fans.

-You like scuba?

-Yeah.

If you want to check the size of the goggles,

you have to put them on your face and then suck in.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, that is still to come, as well as a performance from A*M*E.

Yeah, but before all that,

remember the first rule of Big Friday Wind-Up -

BOTH: No-one is safe.

So with that in mind,

let's find out a little more about our lovely studio audience.

-Thanking you.

-Yes, very kind of you, thanks.

So many expectant faces.

You all look absolutely terrified! But I am going to go to you, Jacob.

-How you doing, mate, you all right?

-Yeah.

-You all right?

Let me just sit down for a second. Your mum, Claire, is next to you.

-Yeah.

-Doesn't she do something rather embarrassing

-in the supermarket?

-Yes.

-Tell me what it is, Jacob.

-She trumps and then runs away and blames it on someone else.

-No!

-Claire, you don't do that, do you?

-Everyone does it!

-Oh!

Claire, I think you'll find, they don't! But what have you got to say?

I eat a lot of vegetables.

At least you're getting your five-a-day, that's all I can say.

I'm sorry, Jacob. Sam, can you do any better than that?

That was disgusting, Claire, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Anyway, I am going to come and speak to...you, Leila and Rachel.

-Hello, are you all right, girls?

-Yes.

-Which one's Leila?

-Leila, so that must mean you're Rachel?

-Yeah.

-And is this your dad?

-Yes.

-What's his name? BOTH:

-Laurie.

Laurie, excellent.

-Is it true that your dad is a DJ?

-Kind of.

-Kind of.

I've heard that he embarrasses you a bit with his DJing.

-What does he do? Tell us.

-He likes to play really old music.

Oh, no!

-And he does these really, really bad jokes.

-Oh, no.

So does he perform at your school, as well, at your school discos?

-Yeah.

-So what kind of old music does he do?

-Just like old, slow music.

-Not slow music. Let's ask him.

What slow music do you choose, then?

It's just every now and again, you need a slow one, don't you?

-It's true.

-A bit of Kylie and Jason.

-Kylie and Jason?!

-Do you guys know Kylie and Jason? Do you know who they are?

-No!

They were massive in the '80s, absolutely huge.

Very embarrassing, girls. I'm sorry about that. Mark, try and beat that.

I tell you what, that's going to be tricky. That's pretty embarrassing.

But I think I can do it. I think I know the person. It's you!

Really?

No, it's not, actually. I'm only kidding, because I'm actually

looking for you, Alexis.

HE LAUGHS

-How are you doing, you all right?

-Yeah, thanks.

A little birdie has told us that your mum is a bit embarrassing.

-Is that true?

-Yeah.

-What does she do?

She goes around singing everywhere.

Oh, no! It has been said that she's a bit of a rock chick.

-Is that right? Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Oh!

And so much so, that the family actually bought her

-an electric guitar for Christmas.

-Yeah.

-What happened?

-She doesn't use it at all.

-What?

-You mean THIS electric guitar?

-That one?

-It's a lovely guitar.

-What does she use instead?

-Nothing.

-Nothing?

-She just does air guitar all the time?

-Yeah.

-Oh, Mum!

Where is your mum tonight?

Um, I think... I don't know.

-DAD:

-Conference.

MARK LAUGHS

Alexis, could you imagine if we'd helped to construct

an elaborate ruse and she was actually waiting backstage

ready to embarrass you on national television?

Well, she is!

Please give it up for Rocking Ruth.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

GUITAR ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

-SAM AND MARK:

-Yeah!

Good! She's good.

Wow!

Yeeeah!

Rocking Ruth, I like that. I should give this to its rightful owner.

There you go. You should maybe use that from now on.

Alexis, I probably know the answer to this.

-But what did you think of that performance?

-It was horrific.

There's a word that's not used enough, in that context.

Never mind, Alexis, because you're about to get your own back

because you need to come with me and you, Ruth,

you need to get ready, because we're about to play Mum On A Wheel.

Now, Alexis' mum is backstage, just getting ready.

Alexis, are you ready to see your mum as you've never seen her before?

-Oh, yeah.

-Audience, are you ready?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

In that case, everybody please, give it up for Mum On A Wheel!

So, Ruthy Baby, chips and gravy, how are you feeling?

-Kings of Leon have got nothing on me.

-It's true, it's true.

Yeah, you rocked out, big-time. Now, you said that your mum was horrific.

Hopefully, fingers crossed, we get to get our own back on her,

because we are going to be doing that, big-time.

OK, we've got a mum, we've got a wheel

but what are we going to be doing with them?

We are going to be spinning them, of course.

If the mum lands on "Mum", she'll win herself a prize.

-That'd be nice, wouldn't it, Mum?

-That would be cool.

-Excellent.

It would be cool, but better still, if Mum lands on "Audience".

Every one of you will win a prize.

CHEERING

But, even better still,

-if Mum lands on "Star", then Alexis here wins a prize.

-Come on!

So I suppose what we're trying to say is gold is good, yeah?

Red, on the other hand, is bad.

Well, actually, red isn't that bad, either,

because if Mum lands in the red section, Alexis gets to foam her.

-And what's more, I get to help you do it. I can't wait.

-That's nice.

-Alexis, how much would you love to foam your mum?

-Oh, undescribable.

Undescribable. You see, we're changing people's lives here.

Making dreams come true.

In that case, spin that mum and make her squeal. Come on, Sam.

AUDIENCE: Wind up that wheel!

Here we go.

# Let's go round again

# Maybe we'll turn back the hands of time. #

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Where's it stopping?

-Oh!

-Would you believe it?

-Wait there one second.

It's landed on "Foam", I can't believe it, Ruth!

-Alexis, think of the pocket money!

-We're going to have fun here.

Guys, get ready to foam in three, two, one...foam!

Stop the foaming. How are you feeling, Mum, are you all right?

-I'm a respectable businesswoman!

-MARK LAUGHS

Not only more!

Time for the second spin. Here we go!

# Let's go round again

# Maybe we'll turn back the hands of time. #

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

Oooh, ooh...yeah!

You've landed on "Star", which means, Alexis,

you win this fantastic prize.

It's an MP4 player. Yes! Get in there.

Nice work, very good work, Mum. Good spinning. How are you feeling now?

-Father Christmas has got one less present to get.

-Exactly.

-We've got one final spin, are you ready?

-I'm ready.

Here we go, let's spin it.

# Let's go round again.

# Maybe we'll turn back the hands of time.

# Let's go round again. #

-Oh, dear, oh, dear.

-Oh, no! It's landed on "Foam" again.

-I can't believe it!

-La la-la la-la la-la!

-Oh, deary me.

-Oh, dear.

In three, two, one, go!

In the face!

OK, stop the foaming!

So that means, at the end of Mum On A Wheel,

-you got two foamings, but you did win Alexis an MP4 player.

-Get in!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Have you had fun, guys?

-Yes.

-Fantastic.

Let's hear it one more time for Alexis and Ruth, everyone.

-Brilliant.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And right now, ladies and gentlemen,

give it up for our special guest, A*M*E!

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Whoo! Nice to see you.

-You too, guys.

-I feel like we're really far away.

-Shall we move up?

Let's move up a bit.

Let's get cosy.

Here on WindUp, not even the celebrities are safe.

When A*M*E arrived at the studios today, there was a little

surprise waiting for her in her dressing room. Have a look.

SHE SINGS

SHE SCREAMS

SHE GIGGLES

That's cruel!

Yeah. We got her. We got her good.

-We well and truly got you there.

-OK!

A*M*E, what is the worst prank that's ever been played on you?

-That one!

-Really?

-Yes!

-Our job is done.

You guys did it so well,

I literally had no idea. I was like, "Oh, my life!"

We've got people to do that kind of work for us.

-That chimp, he gets everywhere.

-He really does.

-Is it true that you are signed to Gary Barlow's...?

-It is true, yes.

MARK LAUGHS CRAZILY

Mark is a massive Gary Barlow fan, as you can see.

-Have you met the man in question?

-I have, I met him on Tuesday.

-On Tuesday?!

-Yes.

-OK, it's fresh. What is he like?

-He's incredible.

-He's really normal.

-He's really normal, Mark.

More importantly, what does he smell like?

I mean, I wasn't sniffing him!

Probably for the best.

When you meet him again, have a sniff and let me know.

-I will, I'll get in touch.

-That is so good.

What do you reckon, a possible future collaboration, A*M*E, Gary Barlow?

-And a bit of...

-A bit of Mark?

-Don't tell him that.

-Don't say that, I'm losing the plot already.

-That'll tip me over the edge.

-We can sort something out, I'm sure.

You'll be performing at the end of the show?

-That's correct.

-Awesome.

-Fantastic.

Everybody, please give it up for A*M*E!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right now, here's what else is coming up on the show.

In just a moment, we'll find out what happened

when the boys went undercover, to wind up some unsuspecting fans.

The Finger Of Fun will be back, to pick out

a member of our studio audience

and give them the surprise of their life.

And what will Sam and Mark find lurking inside The Truck Of Luck?

Wow. Excited. I, for one, cannot wait.

But before that, we want you to meet some of our friends.

Everybody in the Wind-Up audience, give it up for Beth and Kate.

Lovely to see you, girls. You enjoying the show so far?

-BOTH:

-Yeah.

-In unison.

-I've noticed, Kate, it's your birthday today.

-Yeah.

-Happy birthday.

-Hooray!

CHEERING

Now, not so long ago,

-Mark and I set these girls up with our hidden cameras, didn't we?

-Yes.

"Yeah, they did."

Our task was to disguise ourselves as different characters without

you recognising us, in a game we like to call In Yer Face.

It's pretty difficult for us, because these girls,

-you were in the studio audience last series, weren't you?

-Yeah.

So you knew everything about In Yer Face?

-Yeah.

-Most of it.

-Not this bit!

-Until we saw you.

-Yeah, exactly.

This was going to be difficult. Kate, down Camera Four,

-say, "Run VT".

-Run VT.

-Another peaceful day in Kingston Upon Thames.

-Until we showed up!

CAR HORN BEEPS

CAR BACKFIRES

Welcome to another round of In Yer Face.

Today, we've wound things up a notch,

because this challenge is quite possibly our toughest yet.

I'm taking Beth...

..and I'm taking Kate.

And they've both been in the Wind-Up studio audience

-so they know all about In Yer Face.

-What? Are we bonkers?

-We just may be.

-The aim of the game is to not get recognised.

And we've got loads of costumes and cunning disguises to help.

Whoever gets away with it the longest is the winner.

But if they uncover our true identity and make a positive ID

right in our faces, it's game over.

OK, let's kick things off with Round One - Lost Clown.

Can these two jokers avoid getting recognised whilst

clowning around in a town? First up, Sam.

OK, Sam, may I just say you look fantastic as a clown? Nice glasses.

-Thanks, mate.

-Here are the rules. You need to be a lost clown.

-You need to ask her for directions to a house of your choosing.

-OK.

What accent will you do?

Clowns are pretty stupid, so I might be from Wolverhampton.

MARK GASPS

How dare you!

(It's exciting!)

-Morning, I don't suppose you know where house number 22 is, do you?

-22?

Yeah. I'm trying to find it here on the map but I can't find it.

-'She's looking. She's so looking.'

-Yeah.

-OK.

-There's 22 on our road.

My glasses are coming off, sorry.

MARK LAUGHS

Cool, thank you very much. Thank you, cheers. Thank you.

Do you want a balloon?

OK, bye. Bye.

-I've dropped my nose!

-She didn't even take a balloon off you!

-Ha ha!

-No, it's a hollow victory.

-Why?

-She didn't take a balloon and you lost your nose.

-Hang on, though.

That should make it better. I lost my nose,

she still didn't recognise me and I offered her a balloon,

-she didn't want one.

-Ridiculous.

So Sam takes an early lead. Next up, Mark.

OK, Mark, it's your turn. How are you feeling?

-A little nervous after your...

-Victory.

-Well...

OK, you know the rules.

I tell you something, if she takes a balloon off you,

I will give you a pat on the back.

Oh, well, there's incentive for you(!).

Here she comes, good luck, she's coming with her dad, mate.

Don't mess it up.

Excuse me, I don't suppose you know where number 22 is, do you?

I'm a bit lost. Do you know 22?

Basically, you go up there.

All right.

Ooh, she's suspicious!

-Say it, say it!

-Sorry.

-Say it.

-Do you know?

-Say it!

Do you want a balloon? Cos I've got loads in my back pocket for you.

-Lovely.

-Thank you.

-Nicely done.

-Thank you, I'll see you.

-Oh!

Thanks very much. I'll need it!

That was risky.

That, my friend, was a close one.

Yeah. I've never been so scared in my entire life.

Why didn't she say it? I could have won on the first round.

It's fine, it's 1-1.

So with the scores one apiece, let's move on to Round Two, Scuba Diver.

Will our lads be able to pass themselves off as deep sea divers

-without making a splash? First up, Scuba Sam.

-Oh, Sam.

-Some, Sam, Sam.

-I look like my dad.

-You do, actually. A lovely 'tache.

OK, here are the rules.

When Beth comes in, you need to strike up a conversation with her.

-OK.

-But you must include the word in the conversation of...

In fact, I'm not going to tell you now,

-I'm going to tell you when Beth comes in.

-Oh, cheeky!

-Right, well, good luck.

-Don't make it a silly word.

HE LAUGHS

G'day, guys. If you need any help with anything, just give as a holler.

The word I want you to get into the conversation is "gravy".

You guys need any help, or are you all gravy?

-Do you have, like, different sizes?

-She has no clue.

-How's that feeling, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? Good.

-Thank you.

-Thanks.

-Oh, man!

That was all gravy, mate!

-2-1, mate.

-Oh, mate.

-You must be so nervous.

-I am so nervous.

-I need to get out of this and you need to get into it.

-Oh, man!

So, Sam leads 2-1. Next to take the plunge, it's Mark.

# 2-1 to me. #

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-2-1 to me. You're nervous, I can tell.

You're so nervous that your glasses are steaming up.

What's your accent going to be?

-DUTCH ACCENT:

-I'll speak like this.

Oh, dear!

-Good luck.

-Hello, there.

-Your word is "moustache".

-You like scuba?

-Yeah.

-You like scuba?

-Yeah.

If you want to check the size of the goggles, you have to put them

on your face and then suck in to make sure they're the right size.

-You get them caught in your moustache.

-He said it, moustache.

Very good, very good.

Breathe in through the nose and it sucks on the face

and then you'll know.

Have you done it? Yes.

"Sucks on the face!"

-Enjoy your holiday.

-Man!

-Yes! Back in the game, methinks.

-Can't believe that.

My favourite bit of that was, "You have to your breathe

"through your nose to suck it on the face."

I thought my moustache was coming off.

You were good, man.

Agh, whoo!

So, that's 2-2. Back to you jokers in t'studio.

Wow. I didn't realise how bad they actually were

until we watched it back! Now, did you suspect anything?

Cos you nearly got me in round number one when I was a lost clown.

-You had a really weird accent again.

-Again.

-It was like this.

-FLATLY:

-"Heya."

I didn't understand what you were saying. I looked round

and followed you. Turning round and I looked at you and I went...

-"Oh, I recognise you."

-I'm dodgy with accents.

And your glasses, you just pushed your glasses back.

I went, "Is it?" No, no.

-No, surely not.

-Beth, what about you?

Were you not at all suspicious

when a scuba instructor was saying the word "gravy" out of the blue?

I don't know! I just...didn't really...

I thought you were being stupid.

I definitely was being stupid.

I was really scared that point, cos she genuinely came up

and asked for my advice on masks for scuba and I was like,

"I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know."

Concentrate on my accent!

Well, we haven't finished with you, just yet,

because it's time for round number three.

-Beth, do you want to do the honours this time?

-Run VT.

-Nice.

-Yeah.

In Yer Face, Round Three. Birdwatcher.

Will Sam and Mark's binoculars leave their targets seeing double?

First up, Sam.

-This is it, mate. It's 2-2. And you're worried.

-No.

-You're a worried birdwatcher.

-No.

-Yeah, you are.

-You're worried.

No, I'm not worried.

You should be, because after this, I'm going to be getting

-nature programmes and stuff.

-Enough of this.

You are a birdwatcher and you're looking for a rare species of bird.

It doesn't matter which one,

but what you do need to do is play on the old bird whistle.

-Yep.

-Best of luck.

-Thanks, mate.

Here she comes, mate.

DUCK CALL ON WHISTLE

Excuse me, just wondering if you could help me.

I'm looking for this rare bird, it's called a hobby.

It reacts to a certain bird call. It's...

DUCK CALL ON WHISTLE

I have a spare whistle if you'd like to help.

-OK, OK, thank you.

-Oh!

-I'll move on somewhere else. Thank you.

DUCK CALL ON WHISTLE

Oh, hold your horses.

She's got you.

'Say it. Say it. Say it!'

Come on. Just say it, say it. Say it. Say it.

DUCK CALL ON WHISTLE

Aw! Oh, you're joking.

DUCK CALL ON WHISTLE

Oh, she was that close. Oh!

DUCK CALL ON WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

-All right?

-No.

# I am through to the final. #

No, what happened was, she actually said to her mum,

"That's Sam, isn't it?" But she didn't say it to you.

-Exactly.

-Look at your 'tache! It's awful.

Absolutely fan-'tache-tic.

3-2 to Sam, can Mark level it up?

Mark, this is the big one for you.

-I'm already through to the final.

-Game on, bring it.

Here they come, dude. Good luck.

DUCK CALL ON WHISTLE

She's laughing already.

Hello there. I wonder if you could help me.

I'm looking for a rather rare bird in this neck of the woods,

it's called a dipper. I don't know whether you've seen it, at all?

Say it, come on, say it.

Well, it's a rather interesting call that they... Look.

RHYTHMIC CALL

-She's just laughing at you.

-Would you like a go?

-I've got a spare one here if you'd like one.

-Thank you.

-Say it, say it!

I think you're supposed to go...

BOTH BLOW BIRD CALLS

Yes, yes. Not too bad.

-Ooh, hang about.

-Do I? That's interesting.

Say it, actually say it!

-Well, it's lovely to meet you.

-Don't you get out of this!

-What, sorry?

-Surely, come on.

-Good-looking chap, yes?

-He's all right.

-Ha ha! A-ha, in your face!

-OK, you win.

Me and Sam, I should say, have been playing a little game

called In Yer Face.

I had you and Sam had Beth and you'll never guess what.

-Oh, did I pick you?

-Yes, exactly.

-Here he is.

-Hello. You all right?

-It's you two!

-Yeah!

-You've rumbled us completely because I've lost and he's one.

-Hooray!

He's won. Oh, man.

So, Sam's the winner, but is he feeling lucky?

Let's find out. Round Four, Lucky Dip.

-# So I'm in the final. #

-Yes, yes.

-# You didn't make it to the final.

-#

-All right, all right.

-I've won.

-Yes, OK.

-Let's see how far we can take it.

-OK.

Because this, my friend, is called The Big Friday Wind-Up Lucky Dip.

-Ah, my eyes!

-I know. What you need to do is put your hand in here

-and that is the only disguise you'll get.

-OK.

All right? So put your hand in. Have a look.

-Glasses.

-Oh, brilliant.

-Wow.

-Look at that. Put them on.

-That really isn't a very good disguise.

-You look like Clark Kent.

Basically, what you've got to do is go over there

and sit on that wall next to Beth.

-I can enjoy this, because I've already won it.

-Shut up.

-I'll enjoy it. See you later.

-Out the car.

-Enjoy yourself.

-I will.

-I'm the winner, see you later.

'You've only got your glasses to disguise you. Ha-ha-ha!

'Go on, sit down by her. she's looking straight at you.'

'She's smiling! She's smiling, she's pointing.'

MARK CHUCKLES

Excuse me? You're Sam.

How are you doing? Nice to see you. You all right?

We've been playing a game with you called In Yer Face.

-I know you've seen it before.

-Yeah.

-And Mark was playing with Kate, come on in, guys.

-How you doing? Hello.

Do you remember earlier this morning you went into a scuba shop.

-Was that you?

-That was me!

-I didn't...

-Did you have no clue?

-No, no!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Victory for me. Mark, you are rubbish at this.

I'm just too well-known for my own good. No, I am rubbish.

Kate, be honest, did you recognise Mark on that first hit

-when he was a clown?

-Yeah.

-Yes!

I did, but I, kind of, didn't want to say it aloud

-and make myself feel stupid.

-Of course.

-You didn't!

I thought...let's see what the rest of the day has to hold.

I didn't like the fact you said I was "sort of good-looking."

Bit harsh, that?

I, kind of, knew you were there, so I thought, "I'm not playing".

Also, Kate, why were you dressed up like Chris Hoy?

-OK, guys, have you had a good time? BOTH:

-Yeah.

Excellent. You've been great sports.

Give it up for Beth and Kate.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And happy birthday, again.

But the surprises don't stop there, no, no, no. Because we need to find

another member of our audience to shock out of their skin.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Finger Of Fun.

-Yeah, yeah!

-Look, look, look. Finger!

-Look at this dancing I've got going.

That's weird, that. Finger, you enjoying the show?

-Look at him, he thinks he's people.

-He thinks he's people but he's not.

Listen, you've got a very important job to do.

Go and find somebody in the audience. Get it right, OK?

Off you go, Finger Of Fun. Bye.

Oh... # Who's it's gonna be?#

Who's it going to be? Is it going to be you?

Ooooh...who's it going to be?

-Who's it going to be?

-Hello, hello, he's going in, he's going in.

Oh, the finger has found its target.

-Blonde girl in the black cardigan, what's your name?

-Lucy.

-Lucy!

Lucy, well, get yourself down here, Lucy,

because it's time to play The Prize Surprise!

APPLAUSE

Ah, Lucy!

-Now, I think it's fair to say you weren't expecting that, were you?

-No.

-No.

-You've got no idea why you're here, do you?

-Absolutely no idea, whatsoever.

-OK, well, let's fill you in.

-It's actually something to do with your dad.

-I knew it.

LAUGHTER

Now, a little birdie has told us that you find him pretty embarrassing.

-Is that true?

-Yes.

-Really?

What kind of things does he do that embarrasses you, then?

Well, erm, he does this action

in super...in shopping markets, especially.

Oh, really? What does he do?

Ohh!

You mean, like, he tries to be "street?"

Yeah, and he says, like, "Loser!

"Whatever, major loser!" Things like that.

"Whatever, major loser?!"

-I've never heard of such things.

-That's pretty embarrassing.

And also, another little birdie has told us that your dad

is a fan of CBBC and he's a fan of a particular character on CBBC.

-Who might that be?

-Hacker T Dog.

-Oh, we love Hacker, don't we?

Love Hacker.

-Legend.

-Yeah. How much does your dad like Hacker?

-Ten!

-Ten! Two hands' worth.

-He likes him ten.

Well, we've actually got a little picture of your dad,

-proving how much he loves Hacker. Look at that.

-Aww.

-Picture on the fridge?

-Love that.

And would you say, I mean, would...

She's...!

-She's gone.

-Do you think your dad would like to meet Hacker?

-Erm, yes.

-Yeah, I bet he would.

-Lucy, where's your dad today?

Well, I think he's supposed to be in Birmingham, on a work trip.

That is a shame, actually,

cos he's missed out on the chance to meet his TV hero,

because ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for Hacker T Dog.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, cocker!

Get amongst it! Milky brews and meat paste for everyone!

LUCY SCREAMS AND LAUGHS

It's Hacker, everybody. Hiya, Hacker, you all right? Nice to see you.

-Hello, mate, you all right?

-It's Hacker, wa-a-ay!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, I think it's safe to say that we all know

that this isn't actually Hacker T Dog, is it?

It's Lucy's dad, Rob, everyone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Lucy, on a scale of one to ten,

how embarrassing is your dad right now?

Erm, unbelievably,

and I'm never, ever going to forgive him for doing this.

Now, Rob, you must have heard what Lucy's been saying about,

you know, your street talk. What have you got to think about that?

What's wrong with ya?

Well, I must say that being a dad,

it's a privilege for a dad to be able to do it,

and the fact that it's embarrassing makes it great fun, so...

OK, Rob, give us an example

of what you normally say with your street talk?

Erm, bit difficult with me Hacker paws, but...loser!

Yeah, good.

Not very convincing, but it seems that you know a few things.

However, will that be enough for you to pass

the challenge that we are about to set you?

Please follow us, because we are about to play Daddy Cool.

Come on over.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, Rob, we are going to test your knowledge of all things street.

Mark and I will give you a word or phrase

that's popular with young people of today,

and you must translate that into Standard Queen's English. Understood?

-Yes.

-Excellent.

-Yeah, Sam, there's a bit of a problem.

-What?

Someone's stolen the quiz cards!

AUDIENCE: Oo-ooh!

But what kind of sick and twisted being would do such a thing?

Y'all right, cockers?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, that was worth the entrance fee, weren't it?

Now, Hacker, it's lovely to have you on the show, mate,

-but why have you nicked our quiz cards?

-I'm sorry, cocker.

I've got a wonky coffee table,

and it needed a little bit of something under the leg.

-Me coffee went all over me rug.

-Oh, no!

Well, I suppose that, seeing as you're here,

you may as well meet your number one fan. Rob, meet Hacker.

-Hacker, meet Rob.

-Y'all right, Rob?

-Yeah, get amongst it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How's it going, me homey?

-Brilliant!

Now, Rob, it must be very humbling to meet a star of Hacker's calibre.

-How do you feel?

-Oh, humbled.

You look humbled, you look a little bit like Sue Barker under that.

Oh, Hacker, what do you think of Rob's street talk?

Well, it's a little bit weird, if I'm honest, in't it, cockers?

-I feel for you, Lucy, I really, really do.

-Thank you, Hacker.

Seeing as though you're here, you might as well do the quiz.

-You might as well be quiz master.

-I'm trapped in this bin, aren't I?

-I might as well do summat.

-OK, so you're going to say the phrases

and Rob is going to translate them.

Lucy, you can help him out, as well, that's fine.

And remember, you've got everything to play for, because we've got

a load of amazing prizes up for grabs, hand-picked by Hacker himself.

AUDIENCE: Oo-ooh!

-Some of 'em are from the Pound Shop.

-Don't tell 'em that!

-OK, guys, are you ready?

-Yes.

-Excellent.

Hacker, can you give us the first phrase, please?

Course, I can, Sam or Mark.

Sam and Mark, you are well sick, innit?

Interesting, so what does Hacker mean?

Does he think Mark and I are,

A, really cool,

B, a pair of fools,

or C, a bit poorly?

What d'you reckon, guys? A, B or C?

-We think it's, you say...

-A.

You're saying A, really cool? Hacker, what's the answer.

You are correct!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, so that means you have won yourselves a prize.

Let's see what it is.

'Remove old and discoloured grout from your bathroom tiles

'with this portable soft-grip grouting rake.'

That was me, that.

Well, everybody needs a grouting rake.

-What d'you think, yeah?

-Yeah, good.

-Top prize.

All right, well, next phrase, please, Hacker.

Shall we cotch round at my yard tonight, man? Innit, though, innit?

LAUGHTER

Interesting.

So guys, does Hacker want you to A, play in his garden,

B, hang out at his house

or C, help him melt down some old cars for scrap?

CLOCK TICKS

What do the audience think?

AUDIENCE: B!

The consensus is B, so you're going for B? Hang out at his house.

I'm afraid that is

the CORRECT ANSWER!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What I said was, I wanted you to cotch at my yard

-or hang out at my house.

-Excellent.

Well, that means you've won yourselves another prize.

Let's see what it is.

'Have all the fun of sailing on the Mediterranean,

'with none of the cost or reality.

'It's a toy speedboat, cocker.'

Oh, tell you what, the best prizes money can buy!

-You pleased with that?

-Yes.

-Fantastic.

-Complete with no batteries.

-Oh, no.

-Don't tell 'em that, Hacker!

I'm from Wigan!

All right, let's see if you can win anything better this time.

-Off you go, Hacker.

-I love dis Wind Up show.

It's bare jokes, innit? You know what I'm saying, though, innit?

Isn't it?! ISN'T IT?!

ANSWER ME!

So, angry Hacker thinks Wind Up is "bare jokes."

Does that mean he thinks it's A, very funny,

B, not very funny

-or C, a bit rude?

-What d'you reckon, guys?

-This is for the star prize.

-What's th'answer?

LAUGHTER

What do you think, audience?

AUDIENCE: A!

-HOOTER BLOWS

-A?

A, OK. Going for A, very funny.

Er, I'm afraid that...

THAT'S CORRECT!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! Bare means "very" and jokes means "funny."

It's not about rude jokes.

"Ooh, stop it, madam! Yes, no, missus, no, yes!"

LAUGHTER

Congratulations, guys.

That means you've won today's star prize and here it is.

'Here's a tablet you won't find hard to swallow.

'It's not a tablet as in medication, cocker,

'it's one of them digital tablet things. You'll figure it out.

'T'instructions are going to be with it.'

-Cheers, cocker.

-Nice one, fantastic.

-Are you happy with that, guys?

-Yes.

-Fantastic, you've done really well.

You've been fantastic sports. Lucy, was it worth all the embarrassment?

-Yes.

-What are you going to say to your dad when you get him home?

-Never do this again.

-What was it like meeting your number one fan?

A little bit strange. You need to get out more, Rob, if I'm honest.

We are struggling for guests

for series three of Hacker Time, so I didn't shout.

Everybody give it up for Lucy, Rob and Hacker!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's probably the most surreal experience I've ever had.

Stay tuned because we've got surprises coming out of our ears.

-Remember our motto...

-BOTH: No-one is safe.

Yes, we even started pranking our studio audience

before the cameras were officially rolling today, didn't we, guys?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Here's what happened when we set up our fake,

Wind Up photo booth outside the studio earlier.

Ooh, we are naughty.

'Chimpy's on the loose. Watch out! Have it!'

ROARING

Oh! A-agh!

Agh! A-agh!

THEY ALL SCREAM

THEY ALL SCREAM

-Yeah.

-Oh, the looks on your faces!

-But it wouldn't be fair if we got off scot-free.

-Wouldn't it?

-No, which is why Mark and I are about to get a surprise of our own.

-We are?

Yep. Bring on the Truck of Luck.

MUSIC: "Carmina Burana" by Carl Orff

ENGINE REVS AND HORN TOOTS

-Ohh! I hate this bit.

-Hey!

Now, there is something inside this vehicle other than Chimpy,

but Mark and I have no idea what.

-But whatever it is, we just have to go with it.

-Why did we agree to this?

Because we are stupid and we didn't read the small print.

All right, here we go. Chimpy, reveal our Mystery Guest.

BHANGRA MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Wow!

-All right, lads?

-How you doing?

-How you doing, you all right?

-Very good, thank you.

-I think so, yeah. Are we going to do that, then?

Yes, you are, you're going to be taking part,

Are we going to get these guys to dance?

AUDIENCE: Ye-es!

Well, we'd better go and get ourselves ready.

Yeah, but while we do that, take a look at what else we've been

getting up to with our hidden cameras.

We've been out of the studio

fooling innocent members of the public again, the poor things.

Take a look at this.

'Take one lift with some random members of the public,

'add one Wind Up trumper on a fake toilet,

'and this is what you get.'

FARTING

When you've got to go!

FARTING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-But now it's time for us to make fools of ourselves.

-Yes.

So guys, what do we have to do?

Right, guys, you'll be joining in doing our Bhangra routine

and afterwards, I will be judging you both.

OK, interesting, so that is our challenge,

but how do you lot think we're going to do?

Right, studio audience,

we're going to ask you to vote for who you think will be the best.

If you get it right, there's a prize in it for ya.

AUDIENCE: Wo-ooh!

So please make your decision and...

BOTH: Raise your cards!

-That's a lot of Mark!

-I dunno, there's a lot of Sam, as well.

-I think you get it there.

-Just, just.

-Cheers, guys(!)

-Yeah, it's me pigeon legs, mate.

LAUGHTER

-Shall we get started then?

-OK, let's get in position. Here we go!

Go!

BHANGRA DRUMMING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hey!

-That was amazing! That was amazing!

-I'll tell you what, mate, you've got to be fit to do that!

-Yeah!

OK, so, the decision is down to you. You're going to be the judge.

-The winner is Mark!

-Yeah!

-What?!

Woo-woo-woo!

-That's an outrage!

-Sorry.

So, it is a win for me

and it's a win for everyone who voted for me, because you will

all receive a no-expense-spared Big Friday Wind Up wind-up toy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can't believe that, I've got the rhythm of a badger. Can't believe it.

-Yes, you have.

-Well, that's amazing. Thank you, everybody.

Please give it up for our Bhangra dancers!

Thank you very much, guys. Brilliant.

-Wind Up.

-It's where it's at.

You know what, I think nobody should watch. I have no interest, at all.

We're, kind of, a big deal.

I've heard they write their own stuff. You can tell.

Everybody knows us.

We think they're great, their cheeky smiles and the Geordie accents.

No, mate, that's Ant and Dec.

-100% primetime Sam and Mark.

-Yeah!

-Oh, yeah! Look at that, what are you doing?

-Putting out the vibe.

Oh, yeah, and that's exactly what the finger is doing!

-It's bigger than we've ever seen him before!

-Actually, it isn't,

-it's exactly the same.

-That's true.

Well, it might not be bigger, but it is back -

and it's here to help us find two families for our final game.

Yes, they will have the chance to win loads of goodies including

tonight's star prize, a games console.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

-So, beautiful Finger of Fun, find us a family, will ya?

-Go!

-OK, we're looking for a family. Who's it going to be?

-It might be you, sir.

It might be you, sir. Then again, probably not, no. Over here.

-Wait a minute, could be you.

-Just be nice to the Finger of Fun.

He loves everyone.

BOTH: Ohhhhhhh!

The Finger has made up his mind and, yes, that is you!

It's the Golding family from Burnley!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But who will they be competing against? Come on, Finger.

-Off you go.

-OK, who's it going to be?

-Oh, it's going to be good, this.

Who's going to be competing against the Goldings?

Oh, oh, it could be you, it could be you.

Tell you what, it could be, you know. It could be, I think it is!

Oh, yes! It's the Dougal family, from Bromsgrove!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, you lot,

get yourselves down here, cos it's time to play Family Face-Off.

-Come on, guys!

-Come on down!

I think we should meet our two families properly.

-We've got Reuben over here. How you doing?

-I'm fine, how are you?

Very well, thank you.

Would you like to introduce the rest of your family, please, mate?

-This is my daughter, Brittany.

-Hello.

-This is my son, Ethan.

And this is my lovely wife, Lindsay.

What I'd like to call the Dream Team. Ah, yes.

Sam, who have you got over there?

-We've got Kully, y'all right, Kully?

-Very well, thank you.

-Introduce the rest of your family.

-This is my son, Joshua.

-Hi.

Next to him, you've got Nathan and my dear wife, Sue.

Excellent, it's lovely to have you here.

Let's get things going, shall we? Team Mark, are we ready?

ALL: Yeah!

Team Sam, are we ready?

ALL: Yeah!

In that case, what are we waiting for?

It's time for Round One, the Underpants of Chaos!

You may have noticed something different about Sam and myself.

Yes, we are in fact... shut up, you lot.

We are in fact wearing our underpants

-over the top of our suits.

-Why not?

But that's not just the craziest thing about these underpants.

That's right, because these underpants are...

BOTH: Electrified!

I suppose we'd better try 'em out, hadn't we?

Oh, why do you keep saying this?!

I'm sorry, I'm a sucker for punishment.

All right, OK, the powers that be, let's test the underpants.

-Aww!

-A-agh!

-Yes, yes, they're working!

-Stop, stop!

OK, so here's how the game works. This is Team Sam.

And this is Team Mark.

Each team is going to take a turn to tell us

an interesting fact about themselves.

Then the other team has to guess whether that fact is true or false.

If my team are right, Mark will get the shock,

-but if my team are wrong, then I will get the shock.

-OK, let's play.

Team Sam, please would you give us your fact.

'Our house is painted in the colours

-of Manchester United.'

-Interesting, so start the clock.

Could you please get it right, you don't have to press it yet.

What have you decided, true or false?

ALL: False. False?

Interesting, well, like I said, if you're right,

I will get buzzed, but if you're wrong, Mark will get the buzz.

OK, so you're saying false. Press the button in three, two, one...

A-a-agh!

Well done, guys.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MARK GRUNTS TRIUMPHANTLY

Well done, guys, OK. That means it was, indeed, false. OK.

Team Mark, it's now your turn to give us your fact. What's it going to be?

'We've all climbed Scafell Pike in the Lakes

'as a family, together, on ropes.'

Is that true or false? Team Sam, what do you think?

Please could you get it wrong,

because then that's good for me, yeah?

Your time starts now.

CLOCK TICKS

-HOOTER BLOWS

-Time is up.

What is your answer, Team Sam?

-Do you think it's true or false?

-We think it might be true.

-Please be true.

-Here we go. Press the button in three, two, one, go.

A-a-agh!

Stop!

Excellent work.

So it was a true fact. How was that, was that difficult to climb?

-Easy, really. Just a Saturday afternoon breeze.

-Why not?

Easy when you know how.

So, at the end of Round One, the scores are 1-1.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But now, it's time for Round Number Two.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, next to me I have three members of our studio audience

wearing rather ridiculous footwear.

Don't worry, they're not wearing 'em by choice.

We just wanted them to cover up their feet,

so that you can guess how big they really are.

All right, teams, you need to decide who you think has the biggest feet.

So start the clock.

It's tricky, this, cos they've all got the same size shoes on.

HOOTER BLOWS

Time is up. My team, reveal your answer.

You've gone for A.

-Interesting.

-OK, my team, what have you gone for?

-A.

-A? And that is a big A.

Could the person with the largest shoe size please step forward?

BOTH: It's B!

He's got nine and a half.

A has got nine,

and C, little tiny feet there, like it, with a five.

So that means that both of you were wrong.

Yeah, so the scores are still 1-1. Interesting.

Before we carry on, give it up for our large feet people.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which means that the scores are level at 1-1,

which means we need a tie-breaker question.

Now, before the show we asked each member of our audience if they'd

ever worn the same pair of pants twice in a row, without washing them.

What we need to know is what percentage do you think said "yes"?

Take a good look at them. They may look innocent,

but I reckon there's a few unhygienic people out there.

HOOTER BLOWS Time is up.

-Right. We've got answers, I think, Sam.

-We have indeed.

OK, my team, what percentage are you going for?

-30.

-30%, interesting.

OK, and my team have gone for...

-25.

-25.

-Ooh, interesting!

Similar, similar.

-Well, I have the answer in this ridiculously big envelope.

-It is big.

Don't look.

I can tell you...

..that the answer is...

..33%, which means my team are going through to the final!

Congratulations, guys, you are going through to the final round.

You need get yourselves ready, so off you go that way, guys.

-There you go.

-Oh, commiserations to you guys. Have you had a good time?

You've been absolutely fantastic. Give it up for Team Mark, everyone.

Nice one. High fives. Yes, yes, yes. Come on.

By the way, 33%! You dirty lot!

Anyway, let's play Stuck On You.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Playing this game, we have Josh and Sue. How are you feeling, guys?

-Worried.

-Great.

-Excellent.

Worried and great! Did you hear that?

Fantastic. Right, here are the rules.

The Wind Up audience is armed with hundreds of balls.

You two have 20 seconds, to run around

and catch as many as you can, with your lovely sticky suits.

At the end of the game, we'll count up the balls

and see what prizes you qualify for.

More than 20 balls, which is represented by this yellow line,

gets you a lot of board games.

More than 40 balls, which is represented by the blue line,

will get you all the board games,

plus a day out at a theme park, for all the family.

Nice.

-Joshy-baby likes that.

-He likes that.

And more than 60 balls, which is represented by this red line,

you get all those prizes

plus tonight's star prize, a games console!

AUDIENCE: Oo-ooh!

Are you ready, audience?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Let 'em have it! Go, go, go!

HOOTER BLOWS

Oh, stop, stop, stop!

Stop your rolling! Stop your rolling!

Get yourself up.

-Sue, you come over here.

-This is amazing. OK, just stand there.

-All right, this is going to take a while.

-This looks pretty good.

-It does, actually.

-Bear with us, audience.

You went for a drop and roll technique. I liked it.

This is looking very good, by the way. You've passed the 20-ball mark.

Just talk amongst yourselves, this could take a while.

They've passed the blue line.

Ooh, this is looking good.

Oh, have a look, oh, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait.

Come on, come on, get it on top of it. Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, stand here.

Well, I think you've got more than 60 balls!

It's above the red line!

Which means, you've won the board games,

you've won the family ticket to the theme park

and you've won tonight's star prize, a games console. Well done!

And...

..and guys, that's not all because look what I've found.

No! It's the Golden Ball!

It's the Golden Ball, which means you have won tonight's mystery prize,

which is a Sam and Mark stapler!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Everybody wants one! Well done, guys. Have you had a good day?

-Yes.

Excellent. You enjoyed yourselves? Brilliant.

You've played fantastically well.

It's almost time to wind up the show, but not before we've said

thank you to everybody we've surprised tonight.

A big thank you also to our mystery guests,

the Bhangra dancers, they were awesome, weren't they?

And of course, Hacker the Dog! We love Hacker!

We'll see you next time,

but before we go, playing us out, it's A*M*E. Take it away.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Play The Game, Boy" by A*M*E

# I came to bring the heat, so hot

# Girls keep on watching me, so what?

# I'm going to dance until the break of dawn

# And feel the rhythm as the beat goes on

# I came to rock it out, that's right

# Tonight, I'm going wild Let's fight

# I'm going to dance until the break of dawn

# And feel the rhythm as the beat goes on

# You can't stop me now or hold me down

# I'm calling you out

# Baby, I'm calling

# You can't stop me now or hold me down

# I'm calling you out I'm calling

# Play the game, boy Play the game, game, boy

# Play the game, boy Play the game, boy, boy

# Play the game, boy Play the game, game, boy

# Play the game, boy Play the game, boy, boy

# Play the game, boy Play the game, game, boy

# Play the game, boy Play the game, boy, boy

# Play the game, boy Play the game, game, boy

-# Play the game, boy

-Play the game, boy

# Boy, I came here just to have a good time

# Standing in the corner trying to toy with my mind

# Hitting hard moves Getting rude on the dance floor

# Talking to the DJ Asking him for more, more

# More, more

# More, more, dance all night You can meet me on the floor

# If you want to take a shot Better show me what you got

# Now you're the toy Go ahead and play the game, boy

# Ha, go ahead and play the game, boy

# Play the game, boy Play the game, game, boy

-# Play the game, boy

-I'm calling

-# Play the game, boy

-Baby, I'm calling

# Ha, play the game, boy. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd