Greatest Hits Sam & Mark's Big Friday Wind Up

Hello, everybo... Ugh!

Oh, yes! Sam, you are here. Nice one.

Where is everyone? I thought it started at 7.00 and it's...

-7.02.

-Don't worry, they'll be here

and there are some benefits about being at a party early. Look, ooh!

But, Mark, it's Big Friday Wind-Up end-of-series-five party.

I wanted to, you know, make a big entrance!

Yes, I must admit,

I was a bit disappointed with the size of my entrance.

DRUMROLL

No, Mark, you don't understand. I wanted my presence to be felt.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I think it's a bicycle.

DRUMROLL No. Mark! I wanted all eyes on me.

DRUMROLL

Why must you take everything so literally?

-I just really like the font.

-DRUMROLL

Where you getting all these comedy props from?

I don't know, Sam. I really don't know.

Anyway, I always think we make better entrances together.

'Some men enter room and nobody notices.'

'We enter room and at least one person notices.'

JAMES BOND THEME TUNE

-The name's Mark.

-Sam and Mark.

-BOTH:

-Welcome to the weekend!

MUSIC: Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Yeah, I'm all right.

FANFARE

Hey, welcome to the week...

Mark? Mark, it's the start of the show.

Sorry.

FANFARE AND APPLAUSE

-Sorry. I was sent second-class.

-Ha-ha!

'From a planet not too far away

'called Earth,

'it's a man with special powers.

'It's Sam the super host.

'And also from that same planet Earth,

'a man with similar powers,

'it's Mark, the other super host.'

MUSIC: The Rock Show by Blink 182

SALSA MUSIC

-CRACKING SOUND

-Ah.

CARNIVAL MUSIC

-Oh!

-Oh!

-BOTH:

-Welcome to the weekend.

# We're walking in the air

# We're floating in the moonlit sky

# The people far below

# Are sleeping as we fly

# Children gaze open-mouthed

# Taken by surprise

# Nobody down below

# Believes their eyes

# We're surfing in the air

# We're swimming in the... #

-Aah.

-GLASS BREAKS

-All right, mate? What are you doing?

-Building a pie tower.

-What, a piescraper?

-No.

Pieffel Tower?

That's difference between me and you, Sam.

See, you come in here with your big words and all that stuff,

-but me, I'm more practical, you see?

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

-I bet I can build

-a better pie tower than your pie tower!

-I bet you can't.

-I bet I can.

-Come on, then.

-All right, then.

-All right.

-All right, then. Pie, pie,

-pie, pie... Oh! You've got the bigger pies.

-Yes!

I win at pies like I win at life.

Yeah! Woo.

You have got a good competitive spirit, Mark, I'll give you that,

which does come in handy for Mark Versus.

'You have to at least be a black belt in karate, have an IQ of 145

'and danger as your middle name if you are to take on Mark Rhodes.'

-Woo!

-'Although, he has none of these things.

'And each week, I had a noble challenger ready

'to step up and prove that.'

I'm smarter than him, I've never lost before and you're going DOWN!

Ahh!

I'm definitely a number one, but you...you're a number two.

Oh!

-Are you ready?

-I'm born ready.

-OK.

-Can I? Can I?

-You can do it, mate. Go for it.

I just want to open it up a little bit.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS Go for it.

Are you ready?

LAUGHTER

OK, OK, Mark, Mark.

-LAUGHS: You need to tell us...

-He can't breathe.

You need to tell us -

what's on your face?

-MUFFLED:

-Is it a fish?

Fight your way out of that paper bag. Go!

Go, go, go!

Oh, she's doing a good job.

-Come on!

-Go, Amy. Go, Amy.

-Go, Amy.

-Mind your head. Mind your head.

-Mind your head. Yes!

CHEERING

Nice work, Amy. You all right, Mark?

-You all right, mate?

-I thought I was going to win that one.

Plate one.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Yazmin, you don't have to lick it if you don't want to,

but you will forfeit the point. It is entirely up to you.

Here you go. Here you go. Taste it, taste it.

-That's disgusting.

-It's disgusting, but what is it?

-Custard.

You are saying custard.

You are right!

Yazmin, I'm not going to lie, if you said custard is disgusting,

-it's going to go down hill from here, love.

-Oh, dear.

OK, Mark, it is time now for you to choose a bucket

to be poured over your head.

-What's it going to be - bucket A or bucket B?

-Oh, no.

I'm going to go for B.

OK. In that case,

Mr Burgess, if you'd like to bring bucket B over to Mark.

And you are about to pour whatever is inside over Mark's head.

If it's nasty, it's one point to Ella.

Over to you, Mr Burgess.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Mark, lick my filthy dishes.

MARK EXHALES

Puff on this.

I think you should give it a good lick cos it's tough.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-It's beans.

-Yes, and...?

-Uh...

-Come on, think about it.

Is it in like some kind of chilli sauce or something?

-Not chilli.

-Barbecue sauce?

You are wrong, I'm afraid.

It was beans and mustard, which means, Yazmin,

you are today's winner.

-Take off your blindfold. Take it off.

-Yes!

-I think I won't touch this one, mate.

-OK.

-It's that bad.

-OK, in that case, I will put it on your face.

-Oh, no.

Come on, Sam. You are brave, Sam.

SAM SCREAMS

It's eating the banana!

Mark, Mark, you need to tell us -

what's on your face/neck?

It's a real millipede.

It is a real millipede.

Get it off me, get it off me!

HE PLAYS JOLLY TUNE WITH HORNS

Good. Join in, join in.

THEY PLAY JOLLY TUNE WITH HORNS

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-So, we've got a nine and eight.

-So, I need 11 to win.

-There you go.

-Brilliant.

-SAM LAUGHS

OK, yeah, but ten to draw, so that's all right.

Oh, Merry Christmas.

-OK, Mark, if you would like to step up to the mic.

-Let's do this.

-Shh.

-He's took the mic out of the mic stand, what a loser!

LAUGHTER

Why are you standing like that?

-Mark, Mark?

-What?

-You are singing the beautiful classic...

-I know.

-..Deck The Halls.

-Oh, I didn't know that.

-OK, best of luck. Cue the music.

HE SINGS:

'But every dog does have its day and against all the odds,

'Mark finally managed to win one.'

Best of luck, guys. Kimberly, over to you.

SHE MOUTHS

Oh, cheeky. SHE MOUTHS

Don't forget, she's American,

so she could say things slightly differently.

-Tricky.

-Oh, yeah.

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Right.

-Well, hey!

-Right, right.

Time is up. Girls, what have you gone for?

-BOTH:

-Boys smell.

You are saying boys smell.

Mark, what have you gone for?

Boys definitely do smell, but this one smells particularly badly.

Mark smells, smiley face.

Kimberly Wyatt, what was coming out of your mouth?

SHE INHALES AND SQUEALS

Yes! Ha-ha!

-Mark smells...

-Woo!

-..which means,

Mark, you are today's winner of Mark Versus.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Woohoo.

-He's going to be pretty smug about this.

Embarrassing grandad alert.

I wouldn't be embarrassed by those mugs, mind.

Megan, your grandad Peter is a Strictly fan who loves to dance.

In that case, Alan, do the honours.

'Dancing the Rumba, Megan's grandad Peter,

'please come out of Mark's Christmas mouth.'

RUMBA MUSIC

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Hey! I like it, I like it. I like it.

Yeah!

I love that.

No-one is texting me back.

Oh, maybe they haven't got any signal or fingers.

Or maybe their battery's run out.

Yeah, maybe they're all robots and their batteries are running out.

-I mean their phone battery.

-Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.

Anyway, I think I'm going to mingle over there.

-With who?

-Don't know.

Do you even know what mingle means?

-A type of crisp, isn't it?

-Do you know what?

If anyone was here, you'd be really embarrassing me right now.

What, as embarrassed as a kid on Parents On Trial?

-Funny you should say that.

-Why?

-Uh!

'For centuries, parents have embarrassed their kids.

'They'll dance, they'll sing,

'they'll do whatever it takes to embarrass them.

'And they've got away with it until now.'

Oi, you lot, no silence in court.

'Lord Justice Rhodes

'and hotshot lawyer Sam Nixon are here to bring them to justice.'

Case one - DJ Holly.

MUSIC: We Like To Party by Vengaboys

DJ Holly is in the house!

MUSIC: Macarena by Los Del Rio

Case two - Next Step Dad.

Ever since I was little, all I wanted to do was dance.

I have a gift the whole world should see

and I want to make my dream a reality.

THE NEXT STEP THEME TUNE

Case three - Christmas Dancing Mum On The Loose.

MUSIC: All I Want For Christmas by Mariah Carey

And she hasn't stopped there.

Bring out the accused - Indy's mum, Kate.

Case four - Weird Lady Bearded Singing Man Dad.

# You can't stop the motion of the ocean or the sun in the sky

# You can wonder if you want to But I never ask why

# And if you try to hold me down

# I'm going to spit in your eye and say

# That you can stop the beat. #

And on this occasion, the punishment very much fitted the crime.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

-Tell me, could this day get any worse?

-No.

'But the biggest crimes of all were crimes against our ears.'

-SINGS OFF-KEY:

-# Built this city

# We built this city

# On sausage rolls

# Built this city

# We built this city

# On sausage rolls. #

# I know I stand in line

# And do you think you have the time

# To spend an evening with me?

-MACHINE:

-'Please scan an item or press green to start.'

# And if we go someplace to dance

# I know that there's a chance you won't be leaving with me

'Did you use any of your own bags?'

# And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place

# And have a drink or two

'Please wait for assistance.'

# And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like... #

'Unexpected item in bagging area.'

Guilty.

# Give them the old razzle-dazzle

# Razzle-dazzle them. #

Guilty.

Hello there, my name is Tom Jones. Yeah!

And I used to be the James Bond of the Valleys, I did.

That's right. I did. In Wales.

My Bond girl, she would be Rita Ora.

And another friend of mine who is the King himself, Elvis Presley.

# You ain't nothing but a hound dog

# Crying all the time

# You ain't nothing but a hound dog

# Crying all the time

# Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit

# And you a no friend of mine. #

Thank you very much.

Guilty.

However, nothing could be worse than a repeat offender.

It isn't your worst nightmare, though, because you said

that your worst nightmare would be your mum dressed as a DJ

doing a DJ set in front of your friends,

but your friends aren't here.

It's still the same. It's just the same reaction.

-But it would be worse if your friends were here?

-Yes.

-Interesting.

LAUGHTER

Well, let's see if they are here. Oh, yes, they are.

Bring out the defendant's accomplices -

Emily, Florence and Molly!

# Boom, boom, boom Let me hear you say wayo

-DJ HOLLY:

-Wayo!

# Boom, boom, boom Now, let me hear you say wayo...

-Sing wayo.

-Oh, my God.

-Sing wayo.

-Wayo!

# Boom, boom, boom Now, let me hear you say wayo...

-Wayo.

-Hey!

# Boom, boom, boom Now, let me hear you say wayo... #

Wayo.

Oh, I feel like I've eaten a horse made of cheese.

Ha, mascarpone.

-What?

-It's a joke, isn't it?

Gag, horse, cheese.

-Forget it.

-I might explode.

I'm going to the toilet.

Mark?

Where's he gone?

-SAM SCREAMS

-Boo!

I think I need toilet again.

I'll bet that's how the kids felt

when we did In Yer House and Smarked.

We were wondering this series

what could be better than

getting in the face of our biggest fans.

You know it, going undercover for In Yer House.

As secret agents, we would hide in our targets' homes

and take part in a series of challenges with only one rule -

don't get caught.

We scoured the UK to find some of the most unsuspecting targets

and with the help of their friends and parents,

got up to some absolute mayhem right under their noses.

Well, assuming they can catch us, of course.

In Yer House is all about being quiet, so you don't get caught.

That's why I gave you that buzzer came in Watford.

'If you fail to complete this challenge,

'you'll have failed In Yer House.'

RATTLING

RATTLING

Stop making a noise.

RATTLING

The worst player ever of this game.

How is she not getting him? How is she not getting him?

He's done it, he's done it, well done. 'Well done.'

'That really was a ridiculous challenge,

'but luckily I had something up my sleeve for you in Sale.'

I'm just sending in another little surprise for Mark.

DOG BARKS

Release the hounds.

Nice doggies.

Do you like dogs, Mark?

'All right, Nixon, yeah, very funny with the dogs,

'but I'm still laughing at what I did to you in Bolton.'

'Go back into the backpack, you will find a wax strip.

'I want you to use'

one of those wax strips on your arm.

'Not so confident now, Mr Nixon?'

'Now you are in trouble.'

You're in trouble.

'This is going to hurt, this is going to hurt.

THEY LAUGH

RIPPING

Oh, bless him.

'Yeah, yeah, I'll give you that.

'That was painful, but nothing is as painful as getting rumbled.'

'And we both had our fair share of rumbles.

'I am never making you a cup of tea again after what

'happened in Southport.'

Get a teaspoon out of the spoon drawer.

How long is this kettle taking?

Pour the milk into the tea, stir it loudly.

Now tap it ten times.

'One, two, three, four,

MARK CONTINUES TAPPING 'five, six, seven, eight...'

What's happening?

Oh!

Keep going.

Nine,

ten,

11...

HE TAPS ..12,

'13, 14.'

He's coming.

'15.'

Hide, hide, hide. Get down, get down, get down.

Oh, my...

Who is that? Oh, my...

-HE LAUGHS

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-No way!

-Zach, I'm...

-No way, no way.

'Perhaps we are at our best when we work together,

'but we're better still when the cast of Emmerdale give us a hand.'

'Super fans Georgia and her mum, Nickie, were blown away

'when Emmerdale star Matthew Wolfenden posed

'as a crazy director and asked them to be extras

'on our fake Emmerdale.

'Complete with pantomime cow, of course.'

-SAM MOOS

-That's really good, that.

-Get back in there!

-Sorry, sorry.

OK, guys. And background, go.

-BOTH: Rhubarb.

-And action.

Carly, I need to work with you in private.

Not now, Vanessa. I'm busy.

Well, I think you'll be interested in what I've got to say.

All right, then. What?

'Time for our entrance.'

Stop. Hey, hey, hey! What is this?

Hey, what is this?! Are you...

-are you a real actor?

-My agent told me to come today.

Well, your agent should have left you at HOME, man.

'The director is not impressed.'

What is this?!

'But what about the girls?'

-Get the costume off. Get the costume off them both.

-(Is this real?)

'Ooh, she's on to us. There's just one thing to do.

'Time to come clean.'

I just heard you say, "Is this real?" It's not real, girls.

You're not really on a CBBC super fan show.

You are on Sam And Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up.

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

-Oh, it's Dave!

-THEY SCREAM

'Georgia and Nickie were completely starstruck by the real Emmerdale

-'cast and set.

-So next, we decided to try the complete opposite.

'Get ready to enter the totally fake Wolfblood World.'

-WOLF HOWLS

-It's a brand-new attraction

packed full of fun.

See props from the series,

experience the adrenaline-fuelled Wolfblood train

and get up close and personal with the stars of the show.

'Sound too good to be true? Well, it is.'

This isn't a real attraction.

Yeah, we may have created Wolfblood World just to give one

fan of the show an unforgettable experience.

-Unforgettably rubbish.

-Ha-ha, yeah!

Edward, come in. Lovely to meet you.

First off for super fan Edward was fake Wolfblood props.

They were underwhelming to say the least.

So, this is one of the chairs I don't know if you remember.

That was actually one of the rocks from the series.

There's only another 3,429.

Next, Edward got the chance to wolfify himself as Rob

showed him the cutting-edge secrets of the Wolfblood make-up.

There's always a fine line between scary wolf and circus clown.

Then Edward was ready for the Wolfblood train.

-WOLF HOWLS

-Ride the Wolfblood train.

Take a trip on the wild side

and experience what it's like to feel the wind through your fur.

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

(It's not a train as well. It's like a wheelbarrow.)

Here he go. Here we go.

'Welcome to the Wolfblood train.

'Please keep your hands inside the car and remain seated at all times.

'Warning, this ride is not for the faint-hearted.

'Scream if you want to scream faster.'

Lift up a little bit.

'You could forgive Edward for expecting a bit more

'bang for his buck, but that is exactly what Mark got

'when I didn't turn up for work on the set of our other show,

'Junior Bake-Off.'

-I appreciate...

-Sam, it's Sam.

All right, mate. Stitched me up here, haven't you?

-'Oh, mate, I'm so sorry.'

-Where are you?

We've just been properly gridlocked, so I've just

got out of the taxi cos I'm literally two minutes away, so...

-All right, mate. OK.

-'Sorry, mate.' Bye.

-'All right, mate. Bye.'

'The scene is set and Mark is running through his lines

'whilst he waits for me to arrive. Well, that's what he thinks anyway.'

"This is the most explosive episode yet.

"That's right, we are going out with a bang."

-And just here?

-Perfect, yeah.

(OK, this is the one.)

Ready and action.

We are just minutes away from the grand finale.

Who will produce the ultimate showstopper?

This is the final episode.

That's right, we are going out with a bang.

LOUD EXPLOSION

SAM LAUGHS

HE SIGHS They've got to be here soon.

Well, in the meantime, let's play a game.

-I'm listening.

-Ho-ho! It's called sausage roll.

-How do you play that?

-What?! You've never played sausage roll before?

Oh, mate, you have not lived until you've played sausage roll.

Basically, what you do is you pick a sausage and then you roll it.

-Sounds amazing(!)

-I could play it for saus-AGES.

-Ha-ha, good one.

-All right, then. Let's do it.

-OK. Select a sausage.

-Selected.

-OK and roll it.

-OK, here we go.

-Ready?

-Ready.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Hey, I won.

-Uh, no, you didn't.

-But my sausage went further than yours.

-That is not how you win.

-Oh, how do you win, then?

-You pick the right sausage.

-What's the point in rolling it?

Ugh, Sam, you are such a rookie. You'll get there one day.

I prefer the games we played on the show.

Skill, agility and intelligence -

just some of the things you may or may not need

for the games on Big Friday Wind-Up.

Games with great names.

Get to the line, get to the line.

Get to the line, ladies. You're crazy.

-That's it.

-I'm hungry for the hotpot!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-You can do it, you can do it!

Second time. You guys can have it.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Come on, come on.

That's it. Pick up more, pick up more.

-Yes!

-Yes!

-SIREN RINGS

-Here we go, here we go.

-Oh!

-Oh!

It's time to pick that pickled prize

from Peter Pocket's pre-eminent pocket.

-Yes!

-Yes! Well done. Off you go.

BUBBLE WRAP RUSTLES Shh!

MARK GROANS Shh!

MARK WHIMPERS Shh!

(Maybe you should crawl under it.)

AUDIENCE GIGGLE

-(Yeah, I think you should crawl under it.)

-(Yeah.)

WHISPERING: 'Be quiet, though.

'Be quiet!

'Crawl under!'

-Ee!

-'Get your head down. Get it down.

'There you go. Well done, well done.

-'Well done. It's good that.

-Quiet! Quiet!

'Quiet! Quiet!

-'Ooh!

-Ooh, she's doing well.

-Well done, well done.

-'Yeah, well done.

-Keep going.

'Shh! Don't wake... Well done.

-'Well done.

-Well done.

-Yeah.'

TWIG SNAPS

PETER SCREAMS

-So close!

-So close!

-Aw.

Jennifer and PRo are now going to perform

a rap opera duet of a well-known song.

-A hip-hopera, if you will.

-Nice. Good one.

-Thank you.

Take it away, Jennifer and PRo.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

# I stay up too late

# Got nothing in my brain

-# That's what people say

-HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS

# People say

# That's what people say

# People say

# But I keep cruising

# Can't stop, won't stop moving

# It's like I've got this music

# This music in my mind saying it's gonna be all right

# Be all right. #

Yeah! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

What was the song that Jennifer and PRo just sang?

-Shake It Off.

-Shake It Off.

Best of luck, lads. Let's see if you're right.

MUSIC: Shake It Off by Taylor Swift

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

We would like you to present your own cookery show.

That sounds good, yeah.

Now, you've got 20 seconds to make a jam sandwich,

and you must describe exactly what you're doing to the viewers at home.

Imagine you were James Martin on Saturday Kitchen.

-Mary Berry.

-Yes, Mary Berry. Mary Berry.

You've got...you've got it. All right. Could you get in position?

And now on Connie TV, we present Cooking With Connie.

So, I have two pieces of bread,

and what I'm going to do, I'm going to get a bit of butter.

-Nice.

-Very good.

-A bit.

And I'm going to spread it on as fast as I can.

You know, as you do.

-Then I'm going to pop open the jam, get the jam...

-OK. Five...

-..put it on there...

-..four....

-..put it on there.

-..three...

-Give it a taste!

-..and cut it in half!

-..two, one!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE "Mm!"

-Well done.

Styled it out at the end.

Come on, Nan! Come on!

MUSIC: Jammin' by Bob Marley

Come on, Nan!

Come on, Nan! You've...

SIREN SOUNDS Stop! Time's up!

-Time's up!

-Stop the madness.

Irene... LAUGHTER

..if you'd like to stand back in position.

-Ooh...

-Tricky one.

-Tricky.

-Tricky.

Kimberly, it's over to you. How do think she did?

Have another inspection. MARK CHUCKLES

-You know what?

-Go on.

-I think it looks pretty amazing.

-Yeah?

-Yeah?

-Does that mean she's a winner?

-Yeah, she's a winner!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS

Well done. Well done.

The next topic, obviously, is kittens.

Katie from the Katopians, you are against kittens.

You have ten seconds. Debate.

They're... I hate them compared to dogs, they smell,

they scratch on people's sofas and make all the filling come out.

-They aren't...they aren't...

-SIREN SOUNDS

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-All right. That's good.

That's a good debate. Excellent. Excellent.

Dermot from the Dermotcrats, you are for kittens.

You've got ten seconds to tell us why. Go.

Kittens are the cutest things and they're really warm,

and if you have no friends, then they could be your new best friend.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-Oh, wow. Well debated.

SIREN SOUNDS Wow.

Going for the no friends argument.

-Good.

-I like it.

-I like that. Well debated.

-Like a true politician.

-Great.

-Well done.

Now it's time for the general election, but better.

Audience, please vote for who you would like to elect

as the Wind-Up Prime Minister.

Wow.

I think it's fair to say that, ladies and gentlemen,

would you please put your hands together

for your new Wind-Up Prime Minister...

Dermot from the Dermotcrats!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations, Dermot.

-I know how much this means to you.

-Well done.

What is the first thing that you're going to do

as Wind-Up Prime Minister?

Erm...ban girls from everything.

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

-It's...it's pretty...pretty harsh,

it's pretty harsh.

-Silence.

-It's been done now. You can't do anything about it.

-You voted him in...so...!

-LAUGHTER

You want to ban girls from everything?!

Everything except...erm, servants.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Let's move on.

Mount your animals.

LAUGHTER

Oh, what a sentence.

-Right, we'll stand over here.

-OK.

-Best of luck.

Lion, thumbs up, are we ready? LION ROARS

-G-raffe, are you ready?

-Hello!

-All right, here we go.

In three, two, one, Jumanji! WHISTLE BLOWS

MUSIC: William Tell Overture by Gioachino Antonio Rossini

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

SIREN RINGS

It's fair to say that you made this lady swoon, Sam.

I do my best.

Kim, you had the hots for Sam when he was on Pop Idol many years ago.

You nearly got a signed poster, but you never did,

so here's something better.

Sam, make her dreams come true.

Ah... ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Hi.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Oh, my God.

Excuse me. Excuse... Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. I'm trying to be graceful. Trying to be graceful.

Don't look!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Woohoo! Woohoo!

Oh! Yeah, boy. Oh!

HE BREAKS WIND Woo!

Hey, Sam, guess who this is.

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Ey, laddie, I've got egg on me face.

No, my face is an egg.

Hmm, good one. Erm, a Scotch egg.

-LAUGHING:

-No, no, no. Ewan McEgg-or.

Oh! Clever.

Hey, speaking of celebrities,

we had some fantastic celebs on this series of Big Friday Wind-Up.

I mean, we had Egg Petrie, Peter Andr-egg

and Naomi Wilkinson...egg.

Oh.

# Got to turn around

# Got to turn around... #

One reason celebrities are scared to appear on our show

is that we put them on a big wheel, spin them round

and ask them to do stupid things.

But that didn't stop this bunch of ne'er-do-wells.

We've decided to make the celebrity interview a bit different.

Yes, that's why we're interviewing Ben Shires instead of a celebrity.

-I'm slightly nervous.

-Don't be nervous.

When we rehearsed this, there was a seatbelt

and it's not here no more.

-How you doing, Kimberly? VOICE TREMBLING:

-Yeah, I'm OK.

Hey, not so grand now, are we, Miss Perfect Celeriac Puree?

'You might be unfortunate enough to land on truth.'

-When did you last buy new pillows?

-Mm.

-It's the question everyone wants to know.

-Yeah!

-Er...

Ooh, it must have been a couple of years ago,

and I actually took them for a bit of a test drive in the shop.

I actually lay on the floor of the shop to test them out.

-No, you didn't. No.

-That's the wrong answer.

-You didn't.

-I'm sure...

-It was last night.

-Was it?

-It was last night.

-I don't know my own mind.

-Yeah.

-Sadly.

What is your favourite thing to order if you are eating out?

Oh, oh, I love...

I'm going to say...erm, cos this is the Friday Wind-Up,

I love a traditional Friday fish and chips.

-It's the wrong answer.

-It's the wrong answer.

-What?!

-No.

-It's croque monsieur.

-Oh!

-Sorry about that.

What is the most annoying song in the world?

Probably the Crazy Frog. Ask your parents.

-It's the wrong answer.

-Wrong answer.

-What?!

It's this one.

# Meh-neh-neh-meh, meh-neh, meh-neh

# Meh-neh-meh-neh-meh, meh-neh... #

It's really annoying after a while.

I quite liked it. I quite liked it.

# You spin my head right round, right round... #

'But whatever you do, try not to land on wind-up.'

-Touch your nose with your tongue.

-Ooh, tricky.

-Hang on, do I have to take my shoe off?

-Touch your what?

Your no...touch your nose with your tongue.

Oh, my tongue? I thought you said my toe.

No! LAUGHTER

Sorry, I'm from the Midlands. I'm from the Midlands.

I speak funny.

-Go and rub a bald man's head.

-Ooh!

-Go!

I need a bald man!

-Hands up, baldies!

-Find someone. Find a bald man.

Come here, bald man.

Come on. Let's have a go on this.

-Oh! Aw!

-SQUEAKING NOISE

Really nice texture, that.

LAUGHTER Yay!

Do an impression of a tangerine feeling sad

because he's been peeled.

Excellent. Excellent. Excellent.

-All right, then.

-BEN CLEARS THROAT

SAD CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Wow.

Surprisingly beautiful.

-Aw.

-Well done, Ben Shires.

-Wow. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Do your best frightened turkey impression.

-Good one.

-Get up. Come on, stand up.

-Come on.

-Frightened turkey.

SHE SCREAMS

LAUGHTER It's good. Do more of it.

SHE SCREAMS

-Yeah, it's good.

-Very good.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Good that.

Find three people in the audience to do the YMCA with.

-Go!

-Go, go, go, go!

What, do I just pick 'em out? I'll have you, I'll have you.

All right. Who else? And I'll have you.

-Come on. Wicked. What do we I do?

-Here we go. Get ready. Here we go.

-Stay on the steps!

-# It's fun to stay at the YMCA

# It's fun to stay at the YMCA... #

Do the Macarena as fast as humanly possible.

-Do I stand up?

-Yeah!

-Can't do it properly without you standing up.

MACARENA PLAYS AT FAST TEMPO

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

That was wicked. That was wicked.

Ah... Really dusty up there.

Ooh, yeah, I know. Nightmare.

Oh, the girl over there's giving you the eye.

-What girl?

-Over there.

That's not a girl. It's a plate on a stick with hair.

-You should go talk to her.

-She's not real.

She's just one of the weird characters

-that never made it into the show, Lady Plateface.

-Ah...

So, she doesn't count as a party guest, then?

-Well, not really cos she's not real.

-Ah.

How dare you!

Now I remember why she never made it onto the show. Right diva.

Ah, we did have a few weird characters

-that did make it in, though, didn't we?

-Yeah.

Amelia, your daddy's afraid of cotton wool.

Yeah. Well, Danny, you're not going to like this.

It's the Cotton Wool Man!

HE GROWLS

On this show, no-one is safe - not even him.

LAUGHTER

-Now... So you like all redheads?

-Yeah.

OK. Well, what about this redhead?

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Don't be shy, Peter Pockets.

Don't be shy.

Come here, Peter. Come here.

Come here, Peter.

Come on, Peter. Bring yourself over here.

All right, Pete. How's it going, mate?

-Sam. Sam!

-What?

Do want to go over to the dance floor

-and dance like no-one's watching?

-But no-one will be watching.

Oh. Pretty pointless, then.

I can't believe this. Us, the hosts of the show,

we're the first ones here at this aftershow party.

So many people worked on the show, and they're all late.

Probably overslept, haven't they?

You know how tiring a studio day can be.

-Hello!

-Hello! All right? How you doing?

-Sam and Mark here.

-Yeah.

So, today, we are going to give you an exclusive behind-the-scenes look

-at the brand-new series of Big Friday Wind-Up.

-And Wind-Down.

Ooh, what is Wind-Down, Mark? What is it?

'Well, it's when we've finished the Wind-Up

'and then we come upstairs and when we do a Weekend Wind-Down.'

'In this very studio.'

-Look at this.

-It's the new part of the show.

I'll tell you what else is a new part - this.

-What's that?

-Cut myself shaving, didn't I?

Behind the scenes, innit?

Even though Wind-Down is at the end of the show,

we actually rehearse it first.

We like to mix things up.

And because we are so good,

it's not long before we head over to studio number two.

So, we've just left the wind-down area.

We are now heading to the main show studio - the Wind-Up studio.

-Yeah, we're going to show you how we rehearse.

-Yeah.

And how we can get in,

-because this is our pass and all that stuff.

-Yeah.

-Actually, this is my pass.

-Yeah.

-Mark's always scared of these doors.

-I don't like it.

Ah! Ah! Ah! AH!

He's scared. He's scared.

You're not allowed. Sorry.

-Don't know who any of these people are.

-Yeah.

-See you in there.

-See how this pass works.

So, we've given the studio a face-lift this year,

but we've had new pictures done.

So, these were taken recently

cos the others were, like, five years old.

This is mine, my face.

Hello.

Oh!

Good that, innit? Done the same with the eye.

(We're rehearsing. We're rehearsing the opening.

(Go, go, go!)

Sam and Mark!

JAMES BOND THEME TUNE PLAYS

Oh!

-The name's Mark.

-Sam and Mark.

-BOTH:

-Welcome to the weekend!

Throughout the day, we run through each section of the show

using members of the Wind-Up team as stand-ins.

It's Naomi Wilkinson!

-Yay!

-Yay!

Now, believe it or not,

this gentleman here is not Naomi Wilkinson.

This is what we do when we rehearse.

We stick name badges of the guests that are coming onto the show,

but they're not really them.

What's your real name? I bet you can't guess it.

-Sarah.

-Sarah.

-No, it's Graham.

-Don't do gags when we're here.

-Sorry, it's your job.

-Exactly.

-Is your face in this studio?

-Is your face in this studio?

-All this studio?

-No, it's not. Get out of my face.

-Unbelievable.

Sarah - I mean, Graham -

is just one of the team members that makes this show work.

The Wind-Up team is massive.

It takes approximately 70 people to make a show like this.

There's the floor manager, camera crew, sound, lighting,

set and art department, production team

and not forgetting the big bosses up in the gallery.

And the most important thing is...

-everybody works extremely hard.

-Yeah.

We're only messing.

Everyone on Wind-Up does work really hard,

but when we're not needed on camera, there's only one place to be -

the green room.

So, this is the green room, which is good, actually,

-cos it's actually got green paint in the back.

-It's actually green.

This is where all the families and the guests come

and just have a chill.

There we go. That's today's dad.

That's today's embarrassing dad, Paul.

Wind-Up just wouldn't be Wind-Up without embarrassing parents,

and for games like Parents On Trial,

we start planning weeks before the show with the parents

in order to really stitch up their kids.

-Give us a spin.

-Look at that.

-Look at that.

-Wow! Woohoo.

-Looking good, Paul. Looking good, mate.

-Nice work.

-Yeah.

So this is where, you know, all the families watch the show

and see who we're winding up and what we're doing.

Come follow us. We're going to show you the make-up room.

This is where we normally hang out.

Me quite a lot, actually.

-Here we go.

-Here we go.

-Lovely make-up room.

-This is Liv. Hiya, Liv.

-Hiya.

-She's making a train track.

-Making a train track.

-One of the prizes for today.

Best job in the world - making a train track.

That's all she does everyday.

-Every day.

-Aimee's just run off.

-Aimee!

-Our make-up artist.

-Aimee!

-Here she is.

-Aw!

-Hi!

-Here she is.

Tell them about that stew recipe I gave you.

The most amazing stew last night from the pro.

-It's really good.

-She means me. She means me, so...

-Were you on MasterChef?

-Yeah, big time.

Did he not tell you he was on MasterChef?

-You're bleeding.

-Am I still bleeding?

-Yeah.

-Well, it's a good job we are in the make-up room.

-Aimee!

-Sort it out.

-Oh, you are.

-She'll sort it.

As well as all the make-up Mark needs,

the wardrobe department is full of ridiculous costumes

which are needed to dress all our guests for all the different games.

-Want to see what we're making?

-What are you making?

We're making a massive coat.

Was that that coat that you couldn't get for ages?

And it's called Peter Pockets, and it's for a game we're doing.

A giant coat. Super, super big.

And it's going to have a really big head on it.

Goodness me. That is the biggest coat ever.

-Good that.

-Amazing.

-You've made that?

-Yes!

-Yes!

-It's all made here in the costume department.

-Not bought(!)

-That's good.

-There you go. Nice coat.

-So...

-Brilliant.

-..this is pretty backstage.

Yeah. Liv's still making her train set.

That's all she does. All she does.

What happens if I turn this knob?

-Nothing.

-Nothing just yet.

-Oh.

-That's all she does.

-It's a work in progress.

And when the prizes are finally ready,

we get cool celebrity guests to help show them off

before giving them to the lucky kids that are involved in the games.

However, there's no prizes for guessing

which game Mark isn't allowed to know about.

Ready? In three, two, one.

Where is the parent?

That's right. During Mark Versus,

Mark is sent out of the studio and banished to the make-up room.

So, we're just rehearsing the Mark Versus item of the show,

so Mark's not allowed to know what happens

cos he goes up against a kid from the audience.

So he doesn't know that this is all happening.

They never tell me anything.

I'm just a pawn in their little game.

I'm going to eat my apple.

Once rehearsals are done, we go to get ready for the show.

And, yeah, we wear make-up,

but we need to be as beautiful as our guests.

Naomi Wilkinson's over there.

Hey, I heard you two got a BAFTA nomination.

-Oh, that's embarrassing.

-Aw, stop talking about it, will you?

-This is embarrassing.

-Who didn't?

Yep, another BAFTA nomination,

but we can't help it if our fans love us.

I mean, look at them all waiting for the show to start.

Don't worry, though, it's not gone to our heads.

No big deal.

No big deal.

No big deal.

No...not him. No. Stop. No.

That one over there. Me. That's it.

I wanted it to be called And Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up,

but they weren't having it,

so we've got to have some of Sam in here.

Very shortly the audience are going to be coming in,

sitting down, we're going to get ready,

we're going to get everything fired up.

I don't know where Sam is -

probably still getting his make-up done -

but I've told them that I'll do it on my own

if you want it to be a great show, not a good show.

I'll see you then. See you then.

I'll see you later.

As the audience make their way into the studio,

we head up to the gallery to take a sneaky look at

the kids we'll be surprising in the show.

Hit one is Harrison. There he is on one.

-Like a mini you, Mark.

-Yeah. Mini you.

-How unfortunate for him.

-LAUGHTER

There's your out.

'Only kidding. We haven't quite finished

'our behind-the-scenes journey just yet

'as it's time to kick off the show

'and let you see some highlights from it. Enjoy.'

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Hey!

-BURPING:

-Hello, everyone.

LAUGHTER

Well, I think it's safe to say there's nothing left of the buffet.

What are we going to do when people arrive and there's no food?

They're going to know it's us. What are we going to do?

Don't worry about it.

We'll just say that there never was a buffet table.

What are you trying to say, Sam?

We'll get rid of it. MARK GASPS

Our fingerprints are all over it.

Sam, I can't go to prison. Not again, Sam! No!

Calm down, man!

I've got a plan.

-We'll throw it off the balcony.

-What?

-Come on.

-Oh.

GLASS SMASHES Listen, if anyone says anything,

there never was a buffet table.

-What buffet table?

-Good boy.

-At least we didn't get caught.

Yeah, actually, I still can't believe that no-one's arrived yet.

Well, although no-one is here,

it is a great place to have an afterparty - the wind-down zone.

It certainly is, mate. Hey, if these walls could talk...

Sadly, I don't have any eyes or ears,

so I couldn't really tell you anything.

Yeah, but if you could talk,

I'm sure you'd tell us a few things about the Weekend Wind-Down.

Don't put words into my mouth.

I thought you couldn't hear anything.

Anyway, as I was saying, if these walls could...

I hear through my mouth.

Just run the VT.

With the introduction of the wind-down zone this series,

we were given free rein to come up with expert ways

to grill celebrities,

and we are very proud of what we achieved.

We've got a little bit of a general knowledge quiz for you.

-Oh, I'm going to smash this.

-Oh, OK.

-Nice confidence.

-Yeah.

Let's see if you smash it without using vowels in the answers.

-Oh, come...

-THEY LAUGH

-Best of luck, Joe.

-I'll struggle.

Question number one - what is your name? No vowels.

-J.

-Yes. And the second name?

Swsh.

-Was that all right?

-Yes, good. Well done.

-Very French.

-J Swsh.

You need to answer this as a sheep.

William Shakespeare is also known as the WHAT of Avon?

The Bard. The Baaard.

Yay! Good.

Answer this as a cow.

What would you watch at the cinema?

-A moooovie.

-Yay!

We thought you're so talented at singing,

we want you to sing your answers cos you've got a fantastic voice.

-Thanks.

-Question one - what is your name?

HE PLAYS CHORD

-# Nathan Sykes. #

-Beautiful!

What's your favourite UK town?

# My favourite UK town is Gloucester. #

-LAUGHTER

-Oh! Different chord.

-# Gloucester! #

-Yeah!

-There we go.

All right, the first answer is banana.

What's the question?

Erm, OK.

Name a fruit that's yellow.

-No. It's which fruit most resembles a telephone.

-So close.

-So close.

That is...that is a fact.

You have to say this as fast as possible -

that will make it officially amazing.

-What are the colours of the rainbow?

-Red and yellow, pink and green,

purple, orange and blue. I can sing a rainbow too.

-Amazing!

-That's amazing.

-Amazing!

'We also invented some high-quality games

'that would live on through time.'

Round One - who can pull the silliest face? Ben.

-Oh, it's good.

-Georgia, judge him.

Where do you think on the silly-o-meter?

-Do it again, do it again.

-Do it again.

-OK.

-Silly con... Oh, no!

-Silly con carne.

Silly con carne. OK, OK.

-Shannon.

-OK.

Oh, that's pretty good.

-That's pretty silly.

-That is silly.

-Georgia, what are we going for?

-Born in the Silly Isles.

-Born in the Silly Isles.

-Staying as it is.

-Beat that, Ed!

OK, Ed, can you go one step further and be really silly?

I think he can.

-Ooh, ohh.

-Oh, weird eye!

-Yeah!

-That left eye...

-He's such a silly sausage!

-Yay!

You guys are going to face each other, take it in turns.

One of you in the other person's face has got to go

blah, blah, blah, blah until the other person laughs.

You're going to take it in turns.

-Whoever laughs the quickest is out of the game. Understood?

-Yeah.

OK, in that case, you're going first, lovely. Face that way.

Here we go. Blah, blah, blah, blah. 20 seconds on the clock.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

A little smirk.

Blah!

-Oh, she smiled!

-Very good.

-SIREN RINGS

We're going to show you a picture of a celebrity

in Christmas dinner form,

and then we want you to guess which celebrity it is.

-It's pretty simple.

-It is pretty simple, actually.

Mark, you do the honours by pulling off the cloth of truth.

OK, first one...is that one.

Who could that be? I'll put it there for you.

Who do you think it is? BELL RINGS

-Ed Sheeran!

-You're saying Ed Sheeran. Amy...

-you are right!

-Yes!

-Look at that!

-It's like looking into a terrible mirror.

What are they eating?

-LOUD MUNCHING

-Ooh! That's tart.

OK. All right.

-Kimberly, you were right in there. What is it?

-Apple.

-Hmm.

-You're going for an apple.

-That's good.

-Yeah.

Right, let's see if you're right.

-Yes!

-Yeah!

1-0, Kimberly Wyatt.

It is like MasterChef all over again.

Let's go with the second one. Let's have a listen.

-LOUD MUNCHING

-Oh! Argh!

-TOILET FLUSHES

-Toilet noise. Toilet.

-Something...

Er, going to the toilet...

-Curry? Curry? Something curry?

-Erm...

-Spicy?

Maybe. It is spicy. What do you think?

Chillies?

Let's have a look. See if you're right.

-Oh!

-What?!

'But ultimately, it was a chance for us to showcase

'just how unflappable we can be when things go wrong.'

-Come on.

-It's not working.

-It's not working?

-Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

How do we get...? THEY SCREAM

Right, it is working. Right, it is working.

Hold on. Let me get that from out there.

Don't press a thing. Do not press a thing.

It's all right - I didn't need a shave.

Here we go. Here we go. Right, here we go.

Right, we're up in the air, we're up in the air.

-That's good, yeah.

-Go back!

-THEY SCREAM

-Free Louis!

-Free Louis! Try him again. Try him again.

Oh, no, the magnet. Don't press anything.

The magnet's got trapped up. Here we go.

This is a terrible idea for a game. Hold on.

-Well, I'm entertained.

-Ah, my goodness me.

-Put the magnet on Louis' head.

-It's terrible.

-Come here!

-This is really wound up. It's really the worst idea ever.

Right. Oh, my goodness.

-The magnet doesn't even work.

-Quickly! Quickly!

-It's the worst game ever!

-Argh!

-He's free!

-He's free!

-SIREN RINGS

-Yes, Louis is free!

And we've all been entertained.

SAM SIGHS The Big Friday Wind-Up

end-of-series-five party

and no-one's turned up.

Unbelievable.

Do you know what? We've reminisced so much

I can't even think of anything else to say.

-It's 8.30. Shall we call it a night?

-SAM SIGHS

I suppose so. Come on.

-What's in the bag?

-Oh, just these invites.

I've been meaning to send them for weeks

-but I can't find any stamps, so...

-Mark.

-Yeah?

They wouldn't happen to be the invites to this party, would they?

No. Yeah.

SAM SIGHS Do you know what, mate?

-Actually, I'm not even mad. We've had a great night.

-Yeah.

We've eaten some great food. I'm actually quite relieved.

I was beginning to think that no-one had turned up

because they don't like us.

-As if!

-Come on, you.

# ..that tonight's gonna be a good, good night

# Tonight's the night

# Let's live it up

# I got my money

# Let's spend it up

# Go out and smash it

# Like oh, my God

# Jump off that sofa

# Let's get, get off

# I know that we'll have a ball

# If we get down and go out

# And just lose it all

# I feel stressed out I wanna let it go

# Let's go way out, spaced out and losing all control

# I gotta feeling Oo-hoo

# That tonight's gonna be a good night

# That tonight's gonna be a good night

# That tonight's gonna be a good, good night... #