Episode 1 Sam & Mark's Big Wind-Up

# Wind me up, put me down

# Start me off and watch me go

# Cos it's easy Once you know how it's done

# You can't stop now It's already begun... #

Ladies and gentlemen...

Put your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care.

It's your hosts, Sam and Mark.

Yeah!

Welcome to the weekend, and welcome to Sam and Mark's Big Friday Wind Up.

Yes, if you're a fan of hidden camera pranks, massive wind-ups,

A-list celebrities and all-round good times,

then this might be just be the show for you.

So whether you're sat at home on your sofa,

or right here in the Wind Up audience, you'd better keep on

your toes, because this is the show where anything could happen.

For example, on today's show, we are going to be giving two girls

in this very audience the surprise of their lives

involving a piece of clothing, a talking dog, and Eamonn Holmes.

-Of course.

-Of course. Brilliant!

We've also been all round the country with our hidden cameras,

and let me tell you something,

you are not even safe in your own home when we're about.

Check this out.

'It's time for an update on our main story today, the Barnsley Olympic bid.'

-That's my house.

-Oh my gosh!

'Residents in this street have been offered big money'

-'by Olympic officials.'

-They are going into my house!

'As you can see, the clear-out has started.'

That's my picture!

I know what you're thinking.

"What the heck was going on there?" Keep watching and you will find out.

OK, but right now, it's time for Less Talk And More Action.

Remember, no one is safe on this show,

especially if you're an embarrassing dad.

I tell you what,

some dads are so embarrassing that they haven't even shown their faces.

Isn't that right, Salman?

Yes.

Tell us a bit more about your dad.

He once dropped me off to school wearing Hawaiian shorts,

and a smart shirt with tie,

and he started making fun of me in front of my friends.

-You are joking!

-AUDIENCE: Ahh!

Yeah, I know. Too right, "Ahhh".

Where is he today?

He's at work. He's very busy, but when he's not, he's a joker.

I bet he is a joker.

Salman, your dad isn't actually at the office today.

-What?

-No.

Err...sorry to spring this on you, mate, but he's right here in the Wind Up studio.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Salman's dad.

Good times are just around the corner, and you are invited along for the ride.

This is the part of the show where we really need do you go to town and "Smark" someone, if you will.

Now, for this special Wind Up, the town in question was my home town,

Barnsley! Yes, yes!

Calm down. All right, yes, so we needed to find three people

that were Barnsley through and through,

you know, home town, come on, yes, bring it on, yeah.

Lucky for us, we knew just the people.

'Meet Olivia, Leah and Charlie.

'They appeared on another of our hit shows, TMI,

'and they were a right laugh.

'More importantly, they were from a certain town in north England.'

-Tell everybody where you're from, go on.

-Barnsley!

'You're from Barnsley!'

Give them a big hand. Barnsley's number one superfans,

it's Charlie, Leah and Olivia.

All right, all right, all right!

Bring it, bring it, yes!

First of all...

-BARNSLEY ACCENT: All right, how you doing? All right?

-Yeah.

Speak Barnsley back to me. Come on!

-BARNSLEY ACCENTS:

-All right!

-There we go! BARNSLEY ACCENT:

-All right, then?

-We'll work on that!

-Let's start at the beginning.

We thought we'd do a hidden camera prank in Barnsley.

-Remind us of where you guys are from again.

-Barnsley.

-Of course, yes.

So we got in touch with your parents.

We came up with a story about the Barnsley Tourist Board wanting to film with you...

..and after weeks of major planning and secret conversations, we were ready to rock.

So you thought you were turning up to help with a special project for the Barnsley Tourist Board.

Did you suspect anything fishy?

-No.

-I thought they were going to take pictures.

-Just take pictures?

Or pitch our ideas.

Have you got a lot of ideas, Charlie, in that brain?

A fair few, yeah.

OK, well, why don't we find out what happened next,

when the "special project" turned out to be a pretty big deal.

Charlie, you know what to say.

Run VT!

'So here come Olivia, Charlie and Leah for a day they're not likely to forget.

'Over to our Wind Up actor, Barry, to explain more.'

Do you know why you're here?

-Not really.

-Tourist...

I'll start at the beginning.

On behalf of the Barnsley Tourist Board,

and of the "Ee by gum - Barnsley is best" campaign, thank you,

because we are here to big up Barnsley.

-Do you know why we're bigging up Barnsley?

-No.

-Because no-one's coming.

-Because it's got a Primark.

It's got a Primark? No.

We're bigging up Barnsley because in 2028 we are putting Barnsley

forward to host the next Olympic Games.

-Cool.

-Wow!

For those of you who don't know,

Barnsley's a lovely town in South Yorkshire.

It's got a lot going for it, including a Primark.

Unlike previous Olympic cities, it's not big enough

to host the greatest sporting event in the world.

Don't let that get in the way of a Wind Up.

-This is our logo.

-Three Yorkshire puddings.

Excellent. Why do you think we chose that?

-We're in Yorkshire.

-Excellent, because it's Yorkshire.

So we're going to build a stadium in the shape of a Yorkshire pudding.

We're going to push the Yorkshire pudding logo all the time.

We've got some press coming, some TV and stuff like that,

we're going to do live things throughout the day on TV.

Barnsley all day.

We're going to help the Lord Mayor, he's coming in about an hour.

And on the roof of this building,

he's going to launch the bid, officially on the TV.

-Are you behind this?

-Yes.

-It's a good idea.

-Yes.

-You're going to big up Barnsley.

-Yes.

-You're going to sell Barnsley?

-It's one of my life's dreams.

Yeah, that is what the Olympics is about,

fulfilling your ambitions, right?

Barnsley, Barnsley, 2028.

Games that are going to be oh so great.

Barnsley Olympics, all reet.

'Brilliant.

'They seem to be totally buying our fake Olympic story.

'Now to help Barnsley's bid by recording promotional messages.'

I've put you on the grass so it looks like the Yorkshire Dales.

Try not to look cold. We must make it look like is a hot summery place.

Which it isn't.

We need to capitalise on our strengths.

Which is being Yorkshire. So let's be Yorkshire. Everybody do this.

-Yorkshire.

-Yorkshire.

-Yorkshire. Yorkshire!

-THEY GIGGLE

Come on, let's do Yorkshire. 3, 2, 1.

-Barnsley 2028.

-Stop! "BAAAA-rnsley."

-Barnsley.

-Barnsley. Barnsley.

-Barnsley.

-Barnsley.

-Pretend you're like your dad.

-Sorry. My dad does not speak like that.

Like your granDad, then.

Ee by gum. Barnsley.

Baaaarnsley! Sounds like a sheep.

Think of a big butch sheep. Are you ready? 3, 2, 1.

Barnsley 2028! It has a certain ring to it.

An Olympic ring to it.

-Barnsley. 2028. Games that could be great. All right!

-Excellent.

Very, very good. That's better, isn't it? You got all that.

Give yourselves a big round of applause.

Barnsley, Barnsley...

'They've really fallen for it,

'so it's time for us to wind things up even more.

'Next challenge, can we persuade them to record

'some ridiculous made-up facts about the Royal Family?'

Three, two, one...

The Queen, or as we know her round here, Lizzie,

has a house here in Barnsley.

-She often comes to stay for the weekend with her corgis.

-Good.

Prince William and Princess Kate

came to Barnsley for their honeymoon. They love the place.

Buckingham Palace is situated just a stone's throw from Barnsley.

-They are thinking of changing its name to Barnsley Palace.

-Very good.

-Do you think we can get away with that?

-Yes.

-Doesn't matter, does it?

Cunning!

CHEERING

That is not fair. I thought you liked us!

So Charlie, when you were told you were going to be part of

the Barnsley 2028 Olympic bid,

-what was going through your head?

-It could happen!

I was excited and pretty honoured they had chosen me

and I thought we might get tickets to see the Olympics, like,

when I'm 28, though.

Wow, you really thought about this.

And Leah, possibly the best thing that's ever been said on television,

when Barry asked you what was so good about Barnsley,

you said, it had a Primark.

LAUGHTER

-Is that why you're so proud of Barnsley?

-Er...

LAUGHTER

Erm, one of the reasons!

LAUGHTER

-Hey, it's a good Primark, I've been in it.

-It's a big one.

OK, time to wind things up a notch now

and see just how far we could push this thing.

Olivia, say the magic words.

Run VT.

Of course, you can't hold the Olympic Games

without an opening ceremony full of local talent. Over to you, Barry.

You've heard of Britain's Got Talent. You've seen the show.

This is Barnsley's Got Talent.

We're going to send some acts in. we want you to judge them.

We need one winner overall today.

We've got these. We have been using these all week.

If you like them, at the end, you can give them a tick.

If you don't like them, you can give them a soggy Yorkshire pudding.

All right?

'Now that our judging panel are raring to go,

'it's time to bring in our first act.

'Ooh, and it is worth mentioning that we have put together

'the worst bunch of talent you are ever likely to see.

'First, an escapologist.'

Start when you're ready.

-ESCAPOLOGIST:

-It's coming.

This isn't my jacket.

BUZZER

-I think your time's up.

-Do you want to stand on your spot?

You can lay on your spot if you'd prefer.

LAUGHTER

Nice one!

After that shambolic performance,

will the guys realise this is a wind-up?

Or will they believe it

and offer our rubbish acts constructive criticism?

Well, I think the problem was, you tried to...

You tried to undo it, but you couldn't,

and you just rolled on the floor!

-You showed no actual effort to get out.

-No effort?!

Pretty weird.

I can honestly say I've never seen anything like that before.

That's in a bad way, by the way, so I'm going to have to say no.

-It's a no from me.

-A no from me.

-No way.

That is three no's from the judges,

but at least they think this is a real talent show.

Will they believe the rest are genuine or suspect foul play?

Bring on the tea gargler.

In Yorkshire, we like tea, don't we?

so I thought I could do a bit of gargling with tea.

GARGLES POORLY TO MUSIC

Sorry, I swallowed that bit. It's nice tea. Hang on.

I think most people would be able to do that

-and possibly a bit better, so it's a no from me, sorry.

-Oh.

DRUM ROLL

Woo!

Ooh!

SCREECHING

Woo!

-Whoo!

-It's a no.

It's a no for me.

-I found that very, very disturbing.

-PERFORMER:

-Woo!

'It's down to one final act to win the kids over

'and we know just the guys for the job.'

We're just about to go inside and perform on Barnsley's Got Talent.

-That's Sam in there, by the way.

-Hiya.

-Come on, let's do it.

'They don't seem to have spotted us so far,

'but surely with moves and costumes this bad,

'it is only a matter of time before they smell a rat.'

'Yeah, a big tutu-wearing ballet rat. Yeah!'

-That's enough, thanks.

-Sorry.

Well, it was...funny, in a strange kind of way.

Sorry, but it's a no from me.

The tutu falling off had to be the funniest bit.

Because of your mistake, it's a yes.

So very lucky about the mistake.

I loved the brown one.

You are fantastic at ballet, I have to say.

The white one, you were a bit naff, but it was funny with the tutu,

so I'm going to go with yes, because it was just so funny.

CHILDREN APPLAUD

Well done.

That is two yeses out of three. Result!

That concludes the talent show,

but instead of suspecting this might be a wind-up,

our judges actually think that one of the acts

deserves the chance to represent Barnsley.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

I think it's the mice.

-Me for mice.

-I don't want the mice, though.

'But while they argue over their decision,

'the town's Olympic bid has been gathering pace.

'Let's interrupt the judges with a totally fake live news bulletin.'

'Someone's in for a shock when they discover the world's

'biggest event will, literally, be taking place on their doorstep.'

Apparently there's a news link now.

It's now time for an update on our main story today -

the Barnsley Olympic bid.

We've already seen, in our earlier live links,

how the bid is gathering momentum

and is now thought to be favourite to host the 2028 games.

-Cool.

-We can now go live to our reporter, who has found a street

where locals are already cashing in on the Olympics.

Olympic fever has certainly taken hold of Barnsley.

-That's my house.

-Oh, my god!

Residents have been offered big money by Olympic officials

to move out of their houses so work can begin on a new Olympic site.

They are going into my house.

Even though Barnsley's bid may come to nothing, a deal has been done

for one house, with the owner agreeing to sell up and move out.

As you can see, the clear-out has started.

That's my picture!

I have the owner here with me now. Caroline, what prompted you to move?

Definitely the money.

I take it you're behind the Barnsley Olympic bid?

Yes, it will be great for the community and Barnsley.

Rachel Bullen, reporting on our main story of the day.

Barnsley 2028 - Games that could be great. All reet?!

-That was Leah's flat.

-How do you know?

I know my house, they were taking my Union Jack

and my TMI stuff out of my room.

Did you hear what the woman said, that she sold the house?

-My mum is not selling our house.

-This is a con.

-This is a con.

-This has got to be a con.

-I don't believe this.

-Why?

My mum would not say that, that is my house.

Your mum left earlier.

Yeah, to look after the dog.

Maybe she left to sell the house?

-Don't worry about it, it's not important.

-It is!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Leah, I have to say you were great there, you were properly sticking up

for your house. What was going through your head at that point?

-"How

-dare

-they!"

LAUGHTER

Charlie, how did you find being a judge on Barnsley's Got Talent?

I took it very seriously, and I really enjoyed it,

but I thought when all the acts started,

I thought, "Does Barnsley even have talent?"

LAUGHTER

Just to clarify,

that wasn't actually the finest talent Barnsley had to offer.

Was it not?

No, it was a load of our mates and people we dragged off the street.

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

We still had our grand finale in store and that involved

making you look right silly.

And let's say, right silly puddings, actually. Yorkshire puddings.

Leah, want to do the honours?

Run VT.

'So everything is in place for the grand launch

'of Barnsley's 2028 Olympic bid.'

'There's the town mayor,

'making his way on to the stage for the big announcement.'

'There's the BBC News reporter about to go live to the whole of the UK.

'There's our Olympic mascots,

'dressed to impress as giant Yorkshire puddings.'

'And finally, the Barnsley bid logo brought to life -

'a giant Yorkshire pudding filled with real gravy.

'All the guys have to do is pull the cord to open the curtains

'and reveal the mayor. What could possibly go wrong?'

Live in ten...nine...eight...

seven...six...five...

four...

MUSIC: "Chariots of Fire" theme

I'm Keiron Higginson, reporting live for the BBC.

As you can see, I'm on a rooftop in the centre of Barnsley

on what is a very special day for this town.

And I've just been told that the Mayor of Barnsley

is ready to address the public

and to officially launch Barnsley's Olympic bid.

So without further ado, I give you the Mayor of Barnsley.

Argh!

The mayor's in the... You covered the mayor in beef gravy!

Sorry!

What do you have to say, kids?

I only did what I was told to do!

It looks like the mayor's not very happy. Thank you.

You told me to pull it hard!

Any comment?

-ALL:

-Barnsley Olympics - all right!

It's time to put these guys out of their misery and let them know

there's no Olympic bid and reveal the whole day's

-been one complete wind-up.

-Guys, you were on our brand-new show

and can I tell you, you have been well and truly Smarked.

Barnsley will not be the Olympic town/city of the 2028 games.

This is pointless!

It's not pointless! It's good entertainment.

Sorry, anybody got any gravy for this? Could be nice.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Brilliant. Absolutely legend.

-One last thing, guys, Barnsley Olympics?

-All right!

-Yay.

-Fantastic.

Give it up for great sports and Barnsley's finest ambassadors,

Leah, Olivia and Charlie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now it's time to find our second studio "victim".

That means, it's time to introduce to you a friend of ours.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big hand for the Finger of Fun!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, the Finger of Fun has one job, and one job only!

And that is to find us someone, so we can have some fun.

So, Finger of Fun, find us someone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who is it going to be?!

Is it going to be you?!

Or is it going to be...

There are a lot of smiling faces out there.

Is it going to be you?! I don't think so!

Not you!

BOTH: Oooohhhh!

Yes! The Finger of Fun has found someone!

-Oh, wait a minute!

-Whoa!

-It's found a second person!

Girls, the Finger of Fun seems to have selected both of you.

-What are your names?

-Lily.

-Catherine.

Lily and Catherine. OK, in that case,

you girls need to come and join us down here. Bring your mum with you,

because it is time to take part in... The Prize Surprise!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Girls, would you like to introduce us to your mum, please?

This is our mum Vicky. She's 43...

She won't thank you for that!

Now, Lily and Catherine, have you any idea why you're here?

-No.

-No.

-Interesting.

-It is interesting.

Well girls, you're down here because we've heard you get embarrassed

by your mum when she wears a certain rain mac, is that right?

-BOTH:

-Yeah!

-What's so embarrassing about it?

It's massive. It's so big, and she wears it all the time.

-Even when it's not raining.

-Sunny weather.

And she picks us up from school with it when it's not raining

and it so embarrasses in front of my friends.

At least she hasn't worn it on the show today.

-Now that

-would

-be embarrassing.

She was, however, wearing it earlier,

when she was hanging out with us. Have a look.

CHEERING

You knew!

You tricked us!

I think it really suits you, to be honest.

-I think it looks really nice.

-Well, girls, we've got some news for you.

Not only has she been hanging out with us, but your mum has been

wearing that mac all week on loads of different TV shows.

Take a look at this.

You're watching This Morning, with Eamonn and Ruth.

Move over Lady Gaga, because there is a new style icon in town

and we are lucky enough to have her with us on today's show.

-Yes, it's Lily and Catherine's mum. It's Vicky.

-Good morning.

Not only Vicky, but Vicky and your trademark mac.

You have gone from being a normal mum to a global megastar.

-What do you put it down to?

-The mac.

Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky! Do you like my mac?

I love your mac. It's just like mine.

Vicky, it's chucking buckets. What I need is a mac like that.

It's on all the front pages, everybody's talking about it,

the fashionistas are loving it.

Is it true that even Simon Cowell has noticed you and wants you

-to be on the panel of X-Factor?

-So I've been told,

but if he wants my mac, then it's a no from me.

More mac-related news coming up. First, it's time for the weather.

Today's weather is going to be rain,

followed by more rain, and even more rain.

Vicky, do you want to go walkies?

-Yeah.

-Ian, would you like to come?

Definitely, mate. I'd love to.

Are you in possession of a mac?

-No, I've not got one.

-Well, you can't come!

And just to think that your daughters Lily and Catherine,

they actually used to get embarrassed!

Catherine and Lily, who's laughing now?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How do you feel after watching that?

-That was horrendous.

-"That was horrendous"!

-Did you realise your mum and her mac had become so famous?

-No!

-She lied!

She lied!

We've got some good news and some bad news.

-Tell her the good news.

-I will.

The good news is that you now have the chance to win

today's star prize for Lily and Catherine.

Take a look at the star prize...

It's a brand-new games console!

Whoo!

All good. All good, yeah?

Hey, Mark, tell her the bad news.

-The bad news, and it really

-is

-bad news,

-is that The Sugababes have stolen your mac.

-Oh, no!

It is indeed a mac-napping. Look at them.

Right there. You naughty Sugababes.

Vicky, you've got 45 seconds to get your mac back,

get to the dressing room in time,

get the mac back and win the star prize.

Get there too late and Jade will be wearing that mac all over town.

I tell you something, the rain in Spain will fall mainly on your head.

I don't know what that means.

-Are you up for the challenge first?

-I'm up for it.

-Fantastic!

-In that case, run, Mum, run!

-Where?

-Follow the signs.

-Follow the signs.

Go!

EVERYONE SHOUTS ADVICE

Right there! That door!

Push it, push it! There!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

She got there with about four minutes to spare

and couldn't find where she was going. Great work!

You've got the mac back and you fooled those dastardly Sugababes

and won the star prize!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Don't worry, girls, we'll get you your own macs.

We will indeed.

Girls, are you still embarrassed by your mum and her mac?

That's all we've got time for today, but join us next time

on Sam and Mark's Big Wind Up for more of this!

-It's Lily and Catherine's mum...

-What?!

-It's Vicky!

Ha-ha-ha!

He's a beautiful-looking man.

Shut up! HE VOMITS

This is awkward.

-Time up, time up, time up!

-Oh, no!

-Buzz him!

..and normally, some woman have beards.

Oh, my goodness!

-Hi!

-THEY SCREAM

The four minutes are up!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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