Episode 2 Sam & Mark's Big Wind-Up

# Wind me up, put me down

# Start me up and watch me go

# It's easy once you know how it's done

# You can't stop now it's already begun. #

Ladies and gentlemen, he's Barnsley's finest export

and he's Wolverhampton's... Well, he's from Wolverhampton!

It's Sam and Mark!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Come with me!

Wave, wave, wave, wave, wave, wave!

Waving, waving, waving!

All right! It's going to be a good show!

-Yeah!

-Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to the weekend!

-We are about to wind you up and whip you into a frenzy.

-Whoopah!

-Whoopah!

I'll tell you what,

I'm worried there's too much good stuff crammed in today's show.

-I really am. I really am.

-I know where he's coming from.

For example, one family is in for a right surprise

when they discover we've put the entire contents of their house

up for sale.

-What?

-That's crazy speak!

-It is! It is!

We've also got music from Six-D!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right now, I reckon it's time for less talk and more action.

Remember, this is the show with a surprise around every corner.

No-one is safe, especially if you're an embarrassing mum or dad.

-Yes! Oh!

-They'll edit that.

Oh! Embarrassing, embarrassing!

Right, I reckon there's a few people in this audience here tonight

who have embarrassing dads.

And I reckon that your dad is embarrassing, Sam.

-Yes!

-First of all, nice name.

Touch me right there. You know what I'm saying, yeah.

We have heard that your dad likes to do a bit of singing. Is this true?

-Yeah.

-What does he sing?

-He sings the Welsh national anthem.

The Welsh national anthem? Really?!

How does that make you feel, when he does that?

-Er, embarrassed.

-Does he do it in front of your friends and stuff?

-Yeah.

-That must be really embarrassing. Where is Dad today?

-Er, I don't know.

-You don't know? Oh, really?

Erm, I DO know where your dad is.

Your dad is right here in the Wind-Up studio.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Sam's dad!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE SING WELSH NATIONAL ANTHEM IN WELSH

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's time for the part of the show

where we introduce to you a couple of friends of ours.

Please give a massive Wind-Up welcome

to Emily and Fiona!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-High five. High five!

-Yes! High fives! High fives!

-Nice. How you doing, girls?

-Good.

-Really well.

Really well? That's good to know.

Well, you might recognise these girls, because they appeared

on another of our hit TV shows, TMi Friday, thank you very much.

Hey, let's remind ourselves of the good times.

'Now, there's Fiona, there's Emily, there's Hacker. Oh, and there's Iain.

-'And then we played the Ooh Game.'

-Ooh!

-Emily, what are we about to play?

-Ooh!

-'What was that about, then?

'Can't remember. And then we had a bit of a song and a dance.

'Happy days!

'I think it's fair to say a good time was had by all.'

The fact that we've got history made these guys

perfect candidates for the game that is now sweeping the nation -

a little something that we like to call In Yer Face.

Let me explain. For this game to work, we needed two people

who would definitely recognise us if we bumped into them in the street.

We also needed two people who we knew a thing or two about,

cos, girls, not only do we know where you live,

but we know what you like to do in your spare time

-and - more importantly - where you like doing it.

-So guess what we did.

-Tell 'em.

-We went to those places, rigged 'em with hidden cameras

so we could film these guys all day without them realising. Ha!

But the big question was, could we infiltrate their lives

-without being recognised? Let's find out. Say the magic words.

-Run VT.

-Ah! Another blissfully beautiful day in Bradford.

-But then we showed up!

We are here to play a little game that we call In Yer Face.

We call it that as we are about to get right in the face of these two.

-I'm taking Emily.

-And I'm taking Fiona.

The aim of the game is not to get recognised.

We've got loads of disguises to help us out.

And whoever gets away with it the longest is the winner.

But if they uncover our true identity and make a positive ID in OUR faces,

then it's game over.

So, let's kick this off with round one...

Will Sam and Mark be able to pass themselves off as delivery men?

Up first...Mark.

All right, Brad? You look like a Brad.

You're going to knock on Emily's door.

-Yeah.

-..deliver the flowers to Emily, and tell her

-they're from a secret admirer.

-From an admirer?

From a secret admirer, and don't forget - if she recognises you

-at the first hurdle, it's game over.

-OK.

-Go. Good luck.

-Nervous!

Don't mess it up.

Give it a good knock.

Don't make me laugh.

COCKNEY ACCENT: All right. You got Emily here, please?

-Emily? Yeah.

-Emily, please, cheers. Just a delivery.

All right, love?

I just need a signature, please.

She's got no idea.

Lovely flowers. Wonder who they could be from?

-All right? Got that? That's lovely.

-No idea!

Have a lovely day. All right, take care. Bye!

HE GIGGLES

We need to go, quick!

Mark takes an early lead. Over to you, you funny, little, hairy man.

You look like a Bee Gee.

# Night fever, night fever. #

Bit weird. OK, well, best of luck. You'll probably need it, mate.

-MIDLANDS ACCENT:

-Hello, I'm looking for Fiona.

-Me.

-Oh, hello, Fiona.

I've got some flowers for you.

Er, if you'd just like to sign and print your name there, please.

Your accent is not great.

Just put your name. It's just cos I'm delivering the flowers,

I need a signature just to show my boss, basically, so there you go.

Thanks a lot.

Cheers, darling. Thank you very much. Bye.

-Ho-ho! That was a bit risky, that one.

-That was REALLY risky!

-Did you see it?

-Yeah.

When she signed, she, kind of, just looked up at me.

It was a look like, "What is this?" I got away with it. That's 1-1.

OK. Off to the next challenge, methinks.

It's level pegging, so it's time for round two - Skater Boy.

Will these two plonkers get their skates on without being recognised?

Break a leg, Mark!

Challenge number two - you need to skate past Emily,

do a little jump or a trick, if you can, whilst going past her,

-and maybe go, "Whoo! Yeah!"

-A trick? You've got to be joking.

Well, if you can.

Here they come, mate.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Good afternoon. Whoo!

How you doing?

Bit bad on my feet! Ha-ha!

Yeah, good.

No, nice work, dude.

THEY CHUCKLE

-How was that?

-She totally ignored me!

-HE CHUCKLES

-Rude!

I think I probably would, looking at me!

-2-1.

-I know. You've got to get this, mate,

else you have lost to the master.

The master! The master moustacher!

Absolutely. The master moustacher takes a 2-1 lead.

Up next, Skater Sam.

Good luck, Sam. This is it.

Don't mess it up. Well, do mess it up, cos I want to win.

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: G'day. Ah, ripper.

I can't believe you got away with that! You're lucky, Nixon!

That was the worst accent ever! Are you all right there?

Can't believe I got away with that. She still looked at me a bit dodgy.

So, that makes the scores 2-2. See you soon!

So, Emily, where to start, really?

Let's start at the beginning.

Did you suspect anything when you received that flower delivery?

-No, I didn't know it was you.

-You didn't, did you?

-No idea!

-Who did you think the flowers were from, though?

-School or something.

-Secret admirer, so shush!

-Ssh!

-And Fiona, you seemed pretty suspicious.

-What was going through your mind?

-It's kind of fishy that some guy,

-dressed in a crazy outfit, delivers you flowers.

-It's true -

-it is strange, I'm not going to lie.

-Yeah.

-I was really suspicious. I was freaking out!

-Were you freaking out?

-My dad was like, "Have you got a boyfriend?"

-Oh, really?

OK, well, with the scores at 2-2, the big question was,

who would get rumbled first? Let's see what happened next.

-Fiona, say the magic words.

-Run VT.

Nice!

Will Sam and Mark be able to look the girls in the eye

and make them believe they are real opticians?

Take it away, Mark.

Tremendous costume, by the way.

-Yeah, I do look pretty cool, I know.

-OK, so it's 2-2 at the minute.

The third challenge - you have to give Emily an eye test,

so, basically, get right in her face, check her eyes,

ask her if she has problems recognising people.

Maybe ask her about her eye colour,

and then get her to do the eye-chart test.

-And then, er, get out of there.

-Easy for you to say.

-But OK, I'll go for it.

-Don't forget, if she says your name, it's over.

-Not going to happen, mate. I've got this in the bag.

-We'll see!

We will see. We will see, because we're in a seeing place.

-Right, Emily, this is my assistant.

-Hello, hello.

He's going to do the first part of your eye test.

-I'd just like you to read the first letter.

-I.

-Good.

R-U-O-K.

I'm fine, thank you. THEY CHUCKLE

See what I did there?

-What about this one?

-I can't read that.

-Oh.

I'm short-sighted.

Prepare to look her in the eye.

Can I just get a bit closer, Emily, if that's OK?

Just have a look into your eyes.

Brown. Brown eyes - lovely. So, you're short-sighted.

-Do you sometimes not recognise certain people?

-Sometimes.

-Really?

Can't really see their faces.

Right, OK, so distance is difficult with you?

OK, no problem.

I'll go back, I'll write on the chart

and we'll see what we can do for you, OK? Lovely to meet you.

OK, lovely.

-OK. Thank you very much.

-Wait!

Are you Mark?

I am!

HE CHUCKLES

She's got me!

Emily! Well done.

You know them flowers that you got this morning?

-Yeah.

-Who...?

-Oh, my God!

HE CHUCKLES

And, check this out - you know Fiona, your friend?

-She did this?

-No, Sam has been doing exactly the same thing

that I've been doing to you.

And, thank you very, very much, you have got me,

so if Sam beats me at this, then he's won the game.

High five. And your eyesight's not that bad at all. You found me out!

Mark's failure means the scores remain at 2-2,

but will Sammy be able to see it through and claim the victory?

OK, Sam, this is it.

Give Fiona an eye exam, go right up to her - right in her face.

Tell her what colour eyes she's got, and if she finds it difficult

to recognise people.

If you do all that, I'll put my hands up and say that you've won.

Easy. You're going down.

Hi, there. Hi. I'm Martin. Hi. Nice to meet you. What's your name?

-Fiona.

-Fiona? Hi, nice to meet you. How are the eyes?

-Good.

-Yeah?

Dodgy accent!

If you'd just put your hand over your left eye,

and read from the top all the way down to the bottom.

I-C-U.

A-B-C.

Come on, Fiona. Come on!

I-O-U-A-C-D.

Excellent. Nothing wrong with your right eye.

-Let's take a closer look.

-Ask her if she has

-trouble recognising people.

-Brilliant, yeah.

That's really good.

-So, are you having any problem at all with any vision?

-No.

No? Do you have any troubles recognising people?

You look a lot like Sam from Sam and Mark, you know.

-Sorry, who?

-Sam.

Ooh! Remember, the rules of the game state that she has to say

that he IS Sam. Saying he looks like Sam doesn't count.

-Sam from who?

-Sam and Mark.

-Sam and Mark. Who's Sam and Mark?

-TMi.

-TMi - what's that?

-Come on!

It's a TV show I went on.

-Oh, you've been on TV?

-Yeah.

-Oh, wow, wow, great.

-When was that, Fiona?

-November.

-Right, OK, great. Great.

Well, thanks very much, Fiona - I'll leave you in the hands...

-Oh, no, he's won, hasn't he?

-Yes, thank you very much. Bye.

Oh, you've got to be joking!

So, she didn't officially say, "You're Sam from Sam and Mark."

-She said, "You look a lot like him."

-Oh! So you've won.

-Which means I've won!

-No!

Yep, Sam wins 3-2.

But hey, can he really rub Mark's face in it by winning another round?

Let's find out - it's time for Lost Grandmother.

All right, then, Sam, as the winner,

you have got to get right into Fiona's face.

You've got to be like a doddering old lady, and you've lost your car.

Mate, I'll do anything. I've already won, so I'm happy.

It's only because I'm far more famous than you - I'm a lot easier to spot.

-Good point.

-All right. Good luck.

Hello. Excuse me. I seem to have misplaced my car.

You ARE Sam!

HE CHUCKLES

You got him! SAM LAUGHS

Finally!

I've been playing a little game with you all day

called In Yer Face.

D'you remember this morning, around about half past nine,

when somebody came and delivered some flowers?

-She's just got it!

-Come here!

I've been playing this with you and Mark's been playing it with Emily!

Can I just say...

Come on, Emily!

..Emily...Emily got me before you got Sam!

To be fair, you did clock on in the eye test that it was me.

I did suspect a lot, but I didn't really say anything.

You didn't actually say the immortal words, "You're Sam from Sam & Mark!"

Can I just say - what a cardigan that is!

Eh?

-I think we're all winners here!

-Yay!

CHEERING

I agree, I think we're all winners.

Actually, no, we're not all winners, I'm the only winner. In yer face!

-In yer face, man! Oh!

-Yes, OK, well done!

Now, Fiona, I can't believe that you didn't rumble me in the optician's.

You were SO suspicious. What were you thinking at that point?

SHE SIGHS

I was so suspicious but I was so nervous to say it!

Oh, really? Oh! Hey, I'm glad you were so nervous,

cos that meant that I won it! Don't want to rub it in any more!

Yeah, cheers, mate, thank you(!)

Emily, on the other hand, you sussed me out good and proper.

When did you twig it was me?

It's just, when you came in,

you looked like Mark.

LAUGHTER I did, yeah.

-Sussed straightaway.

-An older version!

-Yeah, an older version?

-It wasn't a very good disguise,

-to be honest. Sorry!

-That's all right!

Now, I've got to say, usually, when I'm dressed as a grandma,

things have gone too far. Fiona, had I gone too far

with that one?

-Way too far.

-Way too far! Brilliant.

Now, girls, the most important - did you have a good day?

-It was awesome.

-Yeah.

-Absolute legends, I'm sure you'll agree.

They've been great sports.

Please, give it up for the stars of In Yer Face, Emily and Fiona!

CHEERING Well done, girls.

Right now, though,

it's time to randomly select our second studio victim.

So, let's introduce to you a friend of ours - bring on the Finger!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Ooh!

-Someone's had a manicure!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Finger Of Fun.

Now, Finger, we need you to select a mum.

A mum who loves having some fun. So, Finger Of Fun, find us a mum!

Who could it be?!

CHEERING

Oh, who could it be?

It's not going to be you, mate, it's not going to be you.

It could be you, it could be you. Aaaah...

Oh, he's gone past you, sorry!

Oh, what about you, Smiley Face?

Oh, he's in a good mood, the Finger, he's had a manicure.

Who's he going to pick?

Oooooh!

CHEERING

The Finger has spoken. What is your name?

-Hayley.

-BOTH: Hayley!

-Whoa!

-Whoa!

What.. Hold on, the Finger's not finished yet!

Yeah, it seems to have chosen you guys, as well. What are your names?

-Jay and Chloe.

-Jay and Chloe.

All right, OK. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The three of you need to get yourselves down here,

because it's time to have some fun.

-It's time for The Prize Surprise!

-Come on down!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Jay and Chloe, nice to meet you. Are you having a good time on the show?

-Yes, having fun.

-Good.

Excellent. Have you any idea why the finger has chosen you guys?

No idea!

Let me shed some light on the subject.

We have been speaking to your husband/dad Martin

and he reckons Hayley, you have got too much stuff!

-Jay and Chloe, are these accusations true?

-Yes, very much.

Not expensive stuff.

Loads of £5 stuff!

What kind of stuff does she have?

-Give us an example.

-Make-up, handbags, shoes.

Do you really think your mum needs all this "stuff"?

Not really.

We don't think that.

That's why, last week, when you were out, Hayley,

we popped round to your house and we borrowed some of your stuff.

And then, what you do is, we put it on sale on QVC.

-We would like you to watch this VT.

-Videotape.

And try to memorise as many of the items as possible.

For every item you remember, you will win a prize for your family

-from the Wind-Up prize stash. How does that sound?

-Great(!)

In that case, keep your eyes peeled, run VT.

Hi, I'm Simon and you're watching a special QVC presentation.

Today, we are selling off Hayley's things.

A picture Hayley bought on her honeymoon.

A 6-foot Father Christmas.

A dog that never goes pooh-pooh, Hayley's china dog.

Hayley's favourite film.

It's a good one.

Have you ever wished you had something for your bits?

You have. Hayley's handbag!

Next up, Hayley's hippy fancy dress costume. Yeah, baby!

This is a page-turner. Hayley's favourite book.

If you like china and teddies, this is for you.

Hayley's china teddy collection.

Off to a posh party?

This is what you need. Hayley's necklace.

A craft party wouldn't be a craft party without

Hayley's favourite craft machine.

# Robbie Williams. #

Hayley's favourite CD.

Hayley's dressing gown.

Aw, isn't it cute? Hayley's old teddy bear.

That is a lot of stuff!

Get it in your head. 30 seconds on the clock,

How many items of your stuff can you recall? Time starts now.

My handbag, picture from my honeymoon,

Father Christmas, my teddy collection.

Necklace. Ghost. Warhorse.

Ghost. I said that. Robbie Williams.

What else?

My outfit I wore to a fancy dress that I'll never go again.

-Have you said the dressing-gown?

-Dressing gown.

-Come on, come on!

China teddies!

Time's up, very good guys.

-You did well.

-Not bad at all.

Out of the 13 items, you recalled 11.

It was only the china dog and the craft set that you didn't say.

You get 11 prizes from the prize stash!

APPLAUSE

Thanks again to Martin for helping us stitch you up.

He has done a good job. We've been planning that for weeks.

Anything to say to him?

I will say it later!

You're in so much trouble, mate.

We got your stuff back from QVC,

the problem was, Santa has done a runner.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

The good news is, he's been spotted near the Wind-Up studio.

Hayley, if you can find him in 45 seconds,

you will win a star prize for Jay and Chloe.

-Are you up for the challenge?

-Yes!

Wait, how will she find Santy?

Simple, follow the presents!

Go, go! Go, go!

Come on! Go, go! Come back!

This way, this trail. Go, go!

Go, go, go!

Go on, Hayley!

Come on!

Go on, Hayley!

Yes, go Hayley!

-Well done.

-Do I have to take it back?

-Congratulations, Hayley.

You found Santa in time, which means you win a star prize each

for Jay and Chloe, which are hanging on the Christmas trees.

You both have got two MP3 players - one each!

-Nice!

-How cool is that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Run, network!

'Here's a taste of some of the hidden-camera pranks

-'coming your way soon.'

-All right! Whoo!

Bleurgh!

How you doing? What can I get you?

Stop. Stop!

MAN YELLS

Oh, my goodness!

THEY CHUCKLE

-DEEP VOICE:

-CBBC.

Is the challenge for me?

Ha-ha!

-Good one, yeah?

-What a weirdo!

OK, let's end this show with a bang.

Please give it up for Six D!

# I, I, I'm having the best damn

# Night, night, night of my life, life, life

# I, I, I, I'm having the best damn night of my life

# Woke up with glitter in both my eyes

# I lost one shoe, where's my hat?

# Not my phone, got to get that back

# I've been thinking about the night I had

# Boss man won't cut me no slack

# Sent me home without my cheque

# Tell me where they do that at

# Oh, whenever, wherever, whatever I do

# The party will come, the party will go

# Whatever, whatever, whatever you like

# Whatever you need, you got it tonight

# Oh, you got it tonight, you got it tonight

# Whatever, whatever, whatever you like

# Whatever you need, you got it tonight

# In one way high, a bad goodbye

# Hard to be so sad when I'm having the best damn night

# Lost my keys and I'm locked outside

# Got nowhere to crash but I'm having the best damn

# Night, night, night of my life, life, life

# I, I, I, I'm having the best damn

# Night, night, night of my life, life, life

# I, I, I, I'm having the best damn night

# Almost daylight, should be snoring

# Dance floor packed and the speakers roaring

# Cup that empty, not done pouring

# Dance floor packed and the speakers

# We're going to dance till we can't no more

# Hands in the air till our arms get sore

# Sweat till about three in the morning

# Lights on and everybody yawning

# You got it tonight You got it tonight

# Whatever, whatever Whatever you like

# Whatever you need You got it tonight

# In one way high, a bad goodbye

# Hard to be sad when I'm having the best damn night

# Lost my keys and I'm locked outside

# Got nowhere to crash But I'm having the best damn

# Night, night, night of my life, life, life

# I, I, I I'm having the best damn... #