Episode 8 Sam & Mark's Big Wind-Up

MUSIC: "Jerk It Out" by Caesars

Ladies and gentlemen!

If loving them's wrong, I don't ever want to be right!

Give it up for Sam and Mark!

Come on!

-Hello-o-o-o-o!

-Hello-o-o-o-o!

-Give me that! Come on, give me that!

-Wa-a-a-a-ay!

Come with me! Come with me!

High five! High five!

BOTH: Ye-e-e-ah!

Come on!

-Have it back, Gary! Have it back, mate! There we go!

-Come on over!

-Welcome to the weekend!

-I'll tell you what, I'm wasted on that job!

All aboard the Wind Up Express! Next stop, Good Times Central!

Whoo-hoo! APPLAUSE

We are going to take you on a journey filled with surprises,

pranks, wind-ups and so much more!

Oh, yes! One member of this studio audience is in for a surprise

when they discover that we've paid a visit to their house!

Yes! And you will not BELIEVE what we found there!

We've also been out with our hidden camera, so stay tuned to

see what happened when a Doctor Who wind-up took a turn for the worse!

-Move it forward, forward.

-Forwards.

-That's it!

-Keep it, push it forward. Watch, quickly!

-Stop! Stop!

Ohhhh!

But right now, I think it's time for less talk, more action.

Remember, this show is full to bursting with surprises and pranks,

and no-one is safe, especially if you're an embarrassing dad.

-Let's do this!

-All right.

Woo!

OK...who have we got here?

-Hello, Phoebe.

-Hello.

-How you doing?

-Good.

Good. Now, a little dicky birdie tells me that your dad

-likes to speed walk, is that true?

-Yes.

For everybody who doesn't know, what is speed walking?

It's an embarrassing walk that he does every day.

It's an embarrassing walk that he does every day.

-What does he wear when he's speed walking?

-Fluorescent clothes.

You've got to be safe though, Phoebe, you've got to be safe.

-That is embarrassing. Where is your dad today?

-Working in London.

Oh, that's a shame. I'd have liked to have met him

and his embarrassing walk.

Actually Phoebe, your dad's not at work.

He's right here in the Wind Up studio.

Ladies and gentlemen, give a massive round of applause to Phoebe's dad!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Woo! Yeah!

It's time to wind things up a notch

and give somebody a right good Smarking.

As wind-ups go, this one's pretty big.

You may say it was out of this world.

If you're partial to a bit of Doctor ooh action, Doctor ooh,

Doctor Who action, all right!

Doctor Who action, you might want to listen up real good.

He ain't kidding.

For this wind-up to work, we needed to find three

of the biggest Doctor Who fans in Britain.

Scrap that, Europe. No, shut up, Sam, the world.

Scrap that, the solar system. That's what I'm saying to you.

Finished? Luckily for us, we knew just the people.

Meet Rowan, Alice and George. They appeared our hit show, TMI Friday.

-They were great fun.

-It was a Christmas show! Good times.

More importantly, it turned out that Rowan, Alice and George

were massive fans of a certain Doctor.

TMI is not the only show you are a massive fan of, is it?

-No.

-What's the show?

-Doctor Who.

-Of course it is.

Please give it up for Alice, Rowan and George.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's start at the beginning. We got in touch with your parents

and came up with a story about you winning a Doctor Who competition.

After weeks of secret planning, we were in business.

What were you expecting when you turned up on the day?

I wasn't really expecting that much.

I thought we'd be having a normal tour

and then just something extra.

Interesting. There was something extra!

-Shall we see how your day began?

-No!

It is all right, I promise you! Let's have a look.

'So there we are waiting for our sci-fi enthusiasts to arrive.

-'That's me.

-And that is me.

'Here they come. Let's Smark them.'

-Here come our winners.

-SQUEALING

'There's our three targets.

'And here is our Wind Up actor, Barry,

'posing as a producer from the Doctor Who series.

'He will be giving the guys the VIP treatment today, or so they think.'

Listen, today I'm going to give you a genuine

glimpse into the future of Doctor Who.

We are going on a special journey. Join me. Wave goodbye to the past.

We are going through time and space

as we journey into the world of Doctor Who.

'First stop, a photo-shoot.

'We've told them we'll add some special effects later,

'otherwise they'll be stood in front of a screen, looking silly. Oops!'

We need some promotional snaps, some photographs, for our website.

Really concentrate. Pout, pout! Now an action one.

Hold it, hold it. Now the aliens are going to come around you.

Aargh! Your feet, your toes, your legs.

Everybody to the right! Hold!

To the left! Hold!

He's going to shoot at you now! Ugh!

Hold it! Go down, George! Get lower!

Lower! One big heap with the aliens!

Oooh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Did you guys used to be models? You were good at that.

ALL: No!

Let's talk about Barry, our Wind Up actor.

Did he make a believable Doctor Who producer?

-He was really good.

-He was really convincing.

I don't think I'd have believed it from a different actor.

It was amazing how good it was, how believable it all was.

-He'd done his research.

-It's time to get pranking.

After that nice, gentle opening,

the big question was how far could Barry push it?

I am happy to show you the future of Doctor Who, OK?

As long as you promise me you will not tell anybody.

In there is Doctor Who of the future. Can I trust you?

-Yes.

-OK, let us do the Doctor Who oath.

Make the D.

Then you make the W for Who.

Repeat after me.

-I...

-ALL: I...

-Name...

-ALL: Name...

No. Don't say name, say your name. Ready?

-I...

-I, Rowan...

-Do hereby swear...

-ALL: Do hereby swear...

-That I shall never...

-ALL: That I shall never...

Never, never, ever...

ALL: Never, never, ever...

-No, no, never...

-ALL: No, no, never...

Reveal any information to any living creature...

ALL: To any living creature...

-Whether animal, mineral...

-ALL: Whether animal, mineral...

-Or journalist...

-ALL: Or journalist.

'Absolute gibberish!'

ALL: And I hereby uphold...

-The intergalactic hypothalamus.

-ALL: The intergalactic hypothalamus.

Go, Gallifrey, go.

Go, Gallifrey, go.

'With the all-important but totally made-up oath out of the way,

'it's time for Rowan, Alice and George to access our top-secret lab.

-Are you ready?

-ALL: Yeah!

-What is your first impressions?

-It's really cool.

I'm going to start with the future Doctor Who.

Had you ever heard of Matt Smith before you saw he was Doctor Who?

All: No.

He has done this series,

after that, he's off to Hollywood.

We needed to think of a new Doctor,

a person that has a global recognition.

Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are looking for a true global superstar.

-What about Stephen Fry?

-David Hasselhoff, I don't know!

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you

to the 12th Doctor Who.

LAUGHTER

-Simon Cowell.

-He is not really an actor, is he?

Simon Cowell, before he went into music, was an actor.

-Is he in American Idol now?

-No.

Is he going to do the X Factor?

-I don't know.

-No.

Really!?

Simon Cowell will give us the Dal-X Factor.

That's what we need.

If we have a new Doctor, we need to give him a new baddie.

This is the new baddy to fight the brand-new 12th Doctor Who.

LAUGHTER

Do you see the theme?

You're not so sure. Why?

Because it is not a monster, it's just a person's head.

It will be the baddie with the highest hair.

I really can't imagine Simon Cowell as an actor.

-Point out of 10 for this idea.

-One.

'They don't look convinced by Doctor Simon and the Jedward alien.

'What will they make of the rubbish gadgets we have knocked up?

-What is the Doctor's main weapon?

-Sonic screwdriver.

-Here is...

-A sonic sock.

-Exactly.

If he ever dropped his sonic screwdriver,

he could take off his sock and use it.

-What's that?

-Sonic sponge.

Simon Cowell, look at him. He sweats a lot, running around.

That could be useful for his personal hygiene.

-What is that, George?

-Sonic...toilet roll.

You can see him coming out of the room, Sonic toilet roll! Thank you.

'Have our cheap made-up gadgets, coiffed-up aliens

'and dodgy Doctor won them over?

'Let's get Barry out the way and find out.'

They can't be serious.

They must be joking. This is all so ridiculous.

Simon Cowell, I really can't imagine him as a Doctor.

-Jedward. Sonic toilet roll.

-Sonic toilet roll!

A sonic sock.

-These ones are quite nice.

-The drill is good, yeah.

They're good, I quite like them.

I can see it, but...

If this is new Doctor Who, and I don't like it.

APPLAUSE

"If this is the new Doctor Who, I don't like it!" Great quote!

George, why don't you think Simon Cowell would make a good Doctor?

He's just so well known as a music producer,

I just don't think he'd fit the part at all.

-You're probably right, actually.

-You're probably right!

And Alice, if Simon Cowell was a bit of a stretch of the imagination,

-what about Jedward as Doctor's new baddie?

-Er...

SAM LAUGHS

They're so nice, you can't see them as a baddie!

Finally, Rowan, what did you think about the sonic toilet paper?

Not a good idea, no!

The Doctor's got to have twosies as well.

Well, it was time to wind things up another notch

and introduce to you a little creation of ours. Over to you, Barry.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is genuinely the future of Doctor Who.

It's been nine, ten years in development,

its cost nearly a quarter of a million dollars,

-and it's been developed by NASA. Do you know what NASA is?

-Space...

The Space Agency.

It's been developed by them

because they understand robotics. I'll reveal it to you.

This, ladies and gentlemen,

this is wi-fi

artificial intelligence

NASA experiment,

or WAiNE, for short.

OK? Do you like him?

It has AI technology, and that's what I find so exciting.

This baby can think for itself, which means it can read...

-Minds.

-Exactly, and that's what's different. Shall I prove it?

Let's do that.

It's time for WAiNE to demonstrate its incredible mind-reading ability.

Well, sort of.

We've got their mums watching from a hidden room.

When the kids ask a question, they give us the answers,

making it look like WAiNE has supernatural powers.

You ask it a question that I don't know the answer to,

there's no way I could've programmed it into the computer.

Speak slowly, say, "WAiNE," and ask your question.

-WAiNE...

-Slowly.

Who is my favourite actor?

-(WHISPERING)

-Taylor Lautner?

-Is that his name?

-Yeah.

AS WAiNE: Taylor Lautner.

-Is that right? Who is it?

-Taylor Lautner!

-You see?

-How amazing is that?

-That's a good start for WAiNE. Next up, George.

WAiNE, what is the name of my dog?

-(WHISPERING)

-Poppy.

-Poppy?

(AS WAiNE) Poppy.

-Poppy.

-Is that right?

-Yeah.

-Yes!

WAiNE's done it again, and it looks like they're buying it.

WAiNE, what is the name of my cat?

-(WHISPERING)

-Indy.

-Indy?

(AS WAiNE) Indy.

-What is the name?

-Indy.

-Is that right?

That's three out of three for WAiNE,

but Rowan wants one more go just to be sure it really can read minds.

WAiNE, how many goldfish do I have?

-(Her brother has one.

-Her brother has one?

-She's got none?)

Think, think, think.

-(WHISPERING)

-You have none.

-You have none.

(AS WAiNE) Your brother has one.

You have none.

Is that right?

Your brother has one? You tricked me!

I didn't realise! I forgot that!

-Your brother does have one?

-Yeah.

-Yes, so that's four out of four.

Come on, guys, it's time to be honest now.

-We had you hook, line and sinker there, didn't we?

-Yeah!

What did you think of WAiNE when you saw him?

My first impression, it looked quite good,

something that could be a monster.

You were blown away by WAiNE's superpowers,

but things were about to take a turn for the worse

as we wound things up and discovered that WAiNE had a mind of his own.

If I think and I voice it, it will move.

WAiNE, move forward.

Stop!

Right, you have a go.

WAiNE, move to the left.

A little, a little!

-Stop, stop!

-Stop!

Oh, my goodness!

-George, you're next.

-WAiNE...

-Louder.

Move in a circle.

Hold the thing.

That's it, you are controlling it. That's it.

Left, left, and stop.

-Stop, stop, WAiNE.

-Oh, my goodness.

I can't tell it to stop because you're connected to that.

-Right, it's your go.

-WAiNE, move backwards.

Think it, think it, think it.

-Stop.

-Have you ever seen anything like this before?

-No.

-Is it the most awesome thing you've seen?

-Yeah.

-Marks out of 10?

-10.

-110.

-1,010.

'Well, they all seemed pretty impressed,

'but how will they feel if WAiNE malfunctions?'

Move backwards.

Go backwards.

-Stop.

-Stop, stop, stop!

-Forward, move it forward.

-Move forward.

That's it. Not so quickly!

Stop. Stop!

LOUD EXPLOSION

-Oh! Oh, my goodness!

-I'm so sorry!

That's a quarter of a million dollars! It's moving on its own!

-Turn it off!

-Stop!

-Stop, WAiNE!

-How do you turn it off?

-WAiNE!

-Stop!

LOUD BANG

Hang on, hang on, let me get the engineers.

Engineers! Quick!

'I think it's time to go and reveal ourselves

'before everything goes up in smoke.'

-What did you press?!

-I didn't press anything.

Engineers! Here they are.

Engineers, not aliens!

Actually, we're not even aliens.

-ALL:

-No!

No way!

We've just been doing our new show

and you have been well and truly smarked.

-Look at this bad boy here!

-Oh, my God!

-Cameras everywhere! How are you feeling?

-Oh, no.

-Did we get you good?

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Bless you.

Ahhh, we got you good, then, didn't we?

What did you think when you thought you'd destroyed WAiNE?

Loads of things were running through my head. Including the bank bill.

-How did you feel when we showed up at the end?

-Relieved.

And happy that the Simon Cowell and Jedward wasn't actually real.

Don't worry, Doctor Who, the next series is safe.

Listen, guys. We've got some good news for you.

We sent WAiNE back to NASA, they fixed him up and he's back.

Stop, stop, stop!

CHEERING

Let us introduce a friend of ours, bring on the Finger.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We have got a little treat. I'm bagging the red one.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the Finger of Fun.

Finger, we need you to select a mum that loves having some fun.

Finger of Fun, find us a mum! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who is he going to pick?

Wavy hands, wavy, wavy.

He is really on top form, the Finger, tonight.

-Is he going to pick you?

-He doesn't know, he doesn't know.

It could be you! Not you, mate. Not you.

Who is it going to be?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The Finger has spoken.

-What is your name?

-Emma.

Emma, get yourself down here because it is time to have some fun.

It is time for The Prize Surprise.

Lovely Emma. How are you feeling?

Like someone is going to get into trouble later.

Who are you here with?

I'm here with my husband and my two daughters and my son.

To tell you the truth, we knew that.

They have been helping us out for the past few weeks.

We have been doing some digging.

We found out you've got a mouse in your house. Is that true?

LAUGHTER

No, my husband THINKS we have a mouse.

So you have never actually seen this mouse?

-NO-ONE has ever seen at this mouse.

-That is interesting.

We thought we'd investigate further. We took a trip to your house.

-LAUGHTER

-Do you want to see what we found?

LAUGHTER

I'm afraid we are going to have a look anyway.

-There is your stairway.

-Lovely stairway.

Lovely kitchen. Is that granite worktops? Yes, please.

-We can't see a mouse anywhere.

-No mouse.

-Where are we going now?

-The living room? Still no mouse.

LAUGHTER

How could you not find him? He's massive!

-LAUGHTER

-And he's reading your paper!

Emma, I think it is fair to say you have got a mouse in your house.

In fact, you could say...

(MIMES) # Hoots, man, there's a mouse loose about this house. #

LIVELY MUSIC

OK, OK. Stop the nonsense.

It's time to get serious. Be serious, Emma!

There is a massive mouse, there.

Because, Emma, once we discovered you did have a mouse,

we thought we did stick around, as you do.

We are about to ask you a series of questions based on

what your mouse gets up to when you're not around.

For example, we found out last Thursday at half past eight,

Mr Mouse felt like having a bit of a boogie.

He was dancing to your favourite band in your living room.

The cheeky little mouse, I can't believe it!

To win a prize, can you name what the band was?

Was it A) The Wanted, B) Take That or C) ABBA?

ABBA.

She seems very confident. You're going for C) ABBA.

Let's see if you're right.

MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by ABBA

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I tell you what, he can move, that mouse.

-Look at that!

-Hello!

Very good.

No wonder he was making loads of noise, dancing around like that.

Well done. That means you have just won a prize for you and your family.

APPLAUSE

Mr Mouse likes nothing more than flicking through your old photos.

Who knows what old horrors may lurk within those pages?

I wouldn't want anyone looking through my photo album.

Yes, but what photo caught his eye?

Was it A) An embarrassing photo of you asleep on the settee, dribbling?

Was it B) A picture of you with a dodgy poodle perm haircut?

Or was it C) An embarrassing photo of you from your schooldays

compete with school uniform?

-It would be the school uniform.

-Interesting.

OK, let's see if you are right.

Look at him looking through. He's laughing at you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good.

You are doing very well. I like the swept-back look. I think it's in.

You have not aged, Emma! Tell me what moisturiser you use, please.

-All right, that's enough.

-Sorry.

Emma, later on in the day, Mr Mouse felt like chilling out.

-Fair play, he had had a busy day.

-He certainly has.

He was doing what you sometimes do to unwind.

I'll give you a clue. It's a bit sneaky.

Was it A) Having a bubble bath, whilst reading a gossip magazine?

Was it B) Hiding in the shed with a cup of coffee?

Or C) Emma, lying in bed, eating a bowl of crisps,

having a drink whilst watching Come Dine With Me?

LAUGHTER

-He's on my bed!

-LAUGHTER

I don't know what you possibly could mean!

All right, let us have a look and see if you are right.

You're going for C).

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I hope he doesn't leave any crumbs for you, Emma.

Congratulations, you've just won three prizes for your family.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Well done.

But right now we are going to wind things up a notch because

we are going to give you the chance to catch that mouse once and for all.

He's only come and followed you to the Wind Up studio.

He's not got a care in the world, spinning on that chair.

It's a proper dodgy suit, that.

As you can see, he is standing next to the star prize,

a HD TV and DVD.

That is a lot of letters.

If you manage to catch the mouse in 60 seconds,

that prize is yours.

This might help you, actually. Give me a push, Sam.

-This might help you, actually.

-Get that in your hands.

We've put 60 seconds on the clock.

"How will you find him?" I hear you ask. Simple.

Just follow the trail of cheese crumbs. Go, go, go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-60 seconds!

-Come on!

-You are going the wrong way!

-Not that way! Come back!

-Emma, what on earth are you doing?

-Come back this way!

-That way!

-That cheese, that cheese!

-That way!

-Go, go, go!

-Run, run, run!

-You can do it! You can do it!

-Come on!

-Where are you?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations, Emma. You have done it!

You have caught the mouse and you have bagged this week's star prize.

-How are you feeling?

-Fantastic.

Watch that mouse, he hasn't had his jabs.

Welcome to the weekend!

It's Sam and Mark!

Your dad isn't at the office today.

The Foaminator!

That's all we've got time for today,

but join us next time on Sam and Mark's Big Wind Up,

for more of this!

Bye!

Start the clock, start the clock!

-Are you all right, Dad?

-Yep!

E-mail [email protected]

E-mail [email protected]