Lilygreen and Maguire Sam & Mark's Big Wind-Up

# Wind me up, put me down

# Start me up and watch me go

# It's easy Once you know how it's done

# You can't stop now It's already begun. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

for the duo that need no introduction,

but I'm going to do it anyway.

It's Sam and Mark!

CHEERING

Hello, hello, hello!

MARK LAUGHS

# The universe will never be the same

# I'm glad you came

# I'm glad you came. #

Oh! I'm so unfit. Welcome to the weekend!

Yes, and welcome to the Big Friday Wind-Up.

CHEERING This is where it's at.

Do not dare move a muscle, because if you do,

you may miss out on someone getting the chance to foam their dad.

And you may miss out on seeing what happened

when Mark and I took our wind-ups on the road

to surprise some of our viewers.

I'm meant to be getting married.

I can't believe this is happening, it's my wedding day!

Here comes Yannis. Your word is...

sausage.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Oh, yeah. It's good on this show.

-It really is.

Just when you thought we had nothing else left to give,

we've got a fantastic new pop group, Lilygreen And Maguire,

-performing right here.

-Yeah!

CHEERING

Very talented lads, looking forward to that.

Now, let's get this party started. Audience, are you sat comfortably?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Well, that won't be for long,

because we are about to reveal a few little secrets about you.

Audience, we're coming to get you!

This is the part of the show

where everybody stays facing forward

because they don't want me to come to...

Look at you!

OK. I am now going to come and speak to...

you, Joe.

Hiya, Joe, are you all right?

Sorry, can I just get by a little bit? Thank you very much.

I might just come and sit on your knee, is that all right? Lovely.

-How are you doing, Joe, are you all right?

-I'm good.

-Good.

Now, for what possible reason do you think

I have come and sat next to you?

-Is it my dad dancing?

-Oh! Interesting!

Interesting! It is about your dad, actually.

Because we have heard on the grapevine

that your dad is a little bit embarrassing.

So what kind of things does he dance to?

Well, he dances to all these classic...

Like the classic rock stuff.

When he goes to parties it's just so embarrassing watching him dance.

Really? You say classic rock stuff,

now, we've heard that your dad modelled himself

on a particular pop star when he was younger.

Can you think who that might be?

-Oh, yeah, George Michael. He really likes him.

-Really?

Well, actually we've got a picture of your dad

looking a bit like George Michael. Let's take a look.

LAUGHTER

There he is. There he is!

That's what George Michael used to look like.

Now, in case any of you guys at home can't remember George Michael,

or don't know what he's like,

well, we are going to give you a little bit of a reminder right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, bring on Joe's dad!

MUSIC: "Faith" By George Michael

# I've gotta have faith

# I've gotta have faith, faith, faith I've gotta have faith, faith, faith

# Baby, I know you're asking me to stay... #

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

# Oh, I gotta have faith

# I've gotta have faith, faith, faith

# I've gotta have faith, faith, faith! #

Yeah!

CHEERING

Come here, George. What an absolute legend.

Please, give it up for Joe's dad, everyone!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That was amazing. Joe was actually crying with laughter.

-How was that for you, Joe?

-Very embarrassing.

-I'll bet it was.

Don't worry, because now is your chance

to get your own back on your dad

for doing that to you on the television.

I can't believe you did that! Joe, come with me,

because it's time to play Dad On A Wheel. Come on, Joe.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Spin that dad and make him squeal. Come on, Sam!

ALL: Spin that wheel!

Here we go!

SHOUTING AND CHEERING

-Wait there one second.

-On the first one, a foaming!

OK, lads, you know what to do. In three, two, one, foam him!

CHEERING

Stop the foaming!

I've got it all over my suit, man!

-Dad, how are you feeling?

-Feeling good.

-Feeling good.

-OK, are you ready for your second spin?

-Let's have some more.

OK, here we go!

I can't believe it! It's landed on foam again. Double whammy!

-Good luck, mate.

-All right, lads. In three, two, one, foam him!

CHEERING

-Got him!

-Stop the foaming, stop the foaming.

200% polyester, Sam's suit!

How dare you(!) Shall we try and get a prize?

-Yeah, let's do it.

-OK, here we go with the final spin.

It's a hat-trick. It's a hat-trick!

I don't think we've got enough foam!

LAUGHTER

OK. For the third and final time, in three, two, one, foam him!

CHEERING

Yay!

So that means that at the end of Dad On A Wheel,

you didn't win any prizes and you got three foamings.

I can't believe it.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well, you certainly got your own back there, mate. Did you have fun?

-Yes.

-You look like you did.

Let's hear it for Joe and his dad, everyone. Well done!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Yes.

Tell you what, it's the show that just keeps on giving,

but right now, let us introduce you to some friends of ours.

Ladies and gentlemen, go wild for Aris, Sophia and Yannis!

-CHEERING

-Hello, guys.

-How you doing, you all right?

-Fine, thanks.

-Good.

It's nice to see you. Now, you guys, more than anyone else here,

know that no-one is safe, don't you?

-Yeah.

-Tell us why.

-Well, it was one day in the summer.

You met us and we didn't know it was you.

You had quite a good disguise, actually.

-Thank you very much for saying that.

-Nobody's ever said that before.

-No.

-Yes, indeed. Sam and I, we visited your town

and we played a little game called In Your Face.

And we did that for the whole day without you trying to recognise us.

Yes. And all we had to help us was an array of disguises.

Shall we see what happened, guys?

ALL: Yeah!

Yannis, if you want to do the honours, right down Camera Three.

Run VT.

Another quiet, sleepy day in Cheshire...

Until we showed up.

HORN BEEPS

Welcome to another edition of In Your Face.

But there's a twist, because this week's In Your Face

involves not one, not two, but three people.

-Which three?

-These three.

I'm taking Yannis...

And I'm taking his younger brother and sister, Aris and Sophia.

Hang on a second, that means I've got twice the chance of getting caught.

Aw, that's a shame(!) Good luck, mate.

The aim of the game is not to get recognised.

And we've got lots of costumes and cunning disguises to help.

And whoever gets away with it the longest is the winner.

But if they uncover our true identity

and make a positive ID right in our faces, then it's game over.

Let's get this contest started by playing round one, Milkman.

Will Sam and Mark be able to milk it for all it's worth,

or will they lose their bottle?

-First up, it's Milkman Mark.

-I'll have a pint of skimmed, please, mate.

-So, round one, how you feeling?

-Not nervous at all.

You know, I've got me grey sideburns, I've got me tache.

-Hey, job's a good 'un.

-OK, here's the rules for round one.

You're going to pull up your little milk float

and then Yannis is going to come down the street.

-You need to ask Yannis for directions to house number 64.

-Yeah, cool.

Don't forget, mate, if Yannis says you're Mark from Sam and Mark

it's game over at the first hurdle.

Game on.

Excuse me, mate,

I don't suppose you know where number 64 is round here, do you?

-Erm, 64?

-Yeah.

-No, not really.

-Do you not?

-No.

-On this road.

-You remind me of someone.

-'He is definitely suspicious.'

I've just... I've been working this street for about three years,

so I don't know.

-Ah.

-Number 63, on this road.

Yeah, I think it's either... I think it's down there.

-He's so suspicious.

-All right.

All right. Cheers, mate. Thanks very much. I'll try and risk it.

HE LAUGHS

That was a close call, Mark.

Ho-ho-ho!

-You are treading on thin ice, my friend.

-Serious.

The first thing he said to me, he said, "You remind me of someone."

And I was like, "Where do you go from there?"

-"Do you want a bottle of milk?"

-1-0 to Mark. Next up - Sam.

-Samski.

-Hello.

-Looking good as a milkman.

-Thanks, man.

-I want you to do some milkman banter.

-What kind of milkman banter?

-Whistle a jolly tune

while they're walking towards you.

-I'm going to whistle the Wind-Up theme tune.

-Are you crazy?

-That's silly.

-That's how daring I am.

-Ooh!

-All right, well, good luck.

Thank you.

Sam, they are coming, they are coming now.

HE WHISTLES WIND-UP THEME TUNE

Do you know where number 64 is?

-Probably down there.

-Down there? Nice one. Cheers, mate, cheers.

Down there.

Cheers, nice one, mate. Cheers. HE WHISTLES

I think he's very suspicious.

He is definitely suspicious.

He's looking back towards you.

Well done, mate.

-Two, two people!

-Yeah, I know.

-No-one recognised me. You, just the one.

Sophia was running towards you.

I thought she was coming out, "I want some milk. I want some milk."

I thought she was going to take me out.

-Look what I got us.

-Nice!

-All right!

So, Sam pulls it back to 1-1.

Let's move on to round two - Fitness Fanatic.

They really do wear some ridiculous stuff.

Will they get away with this one? Let's get physical and find out.

OK, Mark, round two. Are you ready and raring to go?

-Fit and raring to go, my friend.

-OK. I like it.

The rules for this one - Yannis is going to be walking in the park.

You need to run by him and then you also need to say a word, which

I will give to you in your ear at an appropriate time.

I'm a little bit nervous about the word cos I'll be

speaking like an American guy.

-Nice.

-Let's do this.

Here comes Yannis. Your word is "sausage".

-Hey, man.

-Hi.

-How you doing? How's this weather turning out?

Pretty good, huh? Yeah? Cool.

A bit like a big breakfast, like sausage and mash or something.

There, he said it.

-Now you're talking!

-Oh, man! I can't believe he didn't get you.

-And I even got sausages in there.

-I know.

I said breakfast, sausage and mash, though,

-I don't know whether that's going to work.

-Hey, why not?

-There's always time for sausage and mash.

-Do you want any now?

-No.

Hey, I could just eat sausage and mash. Anyway, Mark goes 2-1 up.

-Next it's Sam.

-Samski, looking good, mate. Wow, big muscles.

Is that getting in the way? Let me know if that's getting in the way.

-No, it's all right.

-Are you sure, cos it's pretty big?

-Positive.

Don't give it the big 'un cos then I'll give you a really hard word

-to get in.

-Oh, OK. Fair enough.

The word that I want you to get into the conversation is...aeroplane.

-Come on. Got to get fit.

-They're just laughing at him.

On an aeroplane tomorrow, going to Tenerife!

Whoo!

That wasn't a conversation.

He just shouted at them in a really bad Brummie accent.

I'm getting on a plane, going to Tenerife.

-Come on, we're going to Tenerife.

-Are we?

-Yeah. Let's go!

-You know what's next, don't you?

-What?

-We're dressing up as women.

I've got a good feeling about this.

-Yeah, you look good as a woman, I don't.

-Ha-ha!

So, that's 2-2.

Will Sam and Mark's damsel-in-distress act

get them to church on time?

First up, it's Mark.

-Well, you are the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.

-Oh, get off.

I particularly like the chest hair and beard.

Don't try and sweet-talk me, I still want to win.

OK, here are the rules, man. You are a lost bride.

You are late for your wedding.

Yannis is going to be coming down the street, so when you see him,

you could tell him and you can make up any excuse that you like.

-Anything?

-Anything that you like, mate.

Oh, no. Oh, no. What am I going to do? What am I going to do?

Excuse me, do you know any taxi numbers, please?

-I'm late for my wedding.

-Sorry, I don't know.

-I'm late for my wedding.

I was supposed to be there at four o'clock

-and I'm already 15 minutes late.

-I'm sorry I can't help you.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, I'm so sorry.

Do you think it is a sign that he does not love me any more?

-I don't know. I don't know him.

-His name is Sam.

-Sam?

-Hang about.

-Yes...

-Say it, please.

-Are you sure you don't know any taxi numbers?

-No, sorry, I don't know.

-Say it!

-Sorry.

-Oh, man!

-Anybody know any taxi numbers?

-Ridiculous.

Look at your chest, your hairy chest! And your beard!

-Well, you're in the final.

-I am in the final. You're not yet.

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

Here you go.

After that Oscar-winning performance, Mark leads

3-2, so the pressure is now a firmly on Samantha.

Well, well, well.

I think you are selling yourself a bit short there,

-I think you look like a lovely bride.

-Don't you patronise me.

-Yes, you look awful.

-I can't believe you've got through there.

-The pressure is on now.

-Remember, if you get caught, I'm the winner.

I know. I know.

Best acting, come on.

Excuse me, I don't suppose you've seen a wedding car down there,

-have you?

-No.

-I can't believe this. I am meant to be getting married.

The car was meant to be here at half-past.

-You have not seen one at all?

-No.

-I can't believe this.

Do you think this is a sign that I should not be marrying him?

I can't believe this is happening, it's my wedding day!

-I'm sorry, love. I'm sorry, love.

-Oh, no!

Fancy a trip to the final together? Yes! Oh, eh?

Wow, you are one ugly woman!

So, Sam has levelled it up at 3-3. Time for the decider.

Round four - Lucky Dip.

Both lads must choose one item from the mystery box of disguises.

Mark draws a bandanna. And Sam has got a comedy beard.

Now they're off to the ice rink

and whoever remains unidentified for the longest, is the winner.

Break a leg, chaps. So, here we go.

Sam closes in on Aris and Sophia. What is Mark doing here?

-Yes, we have a positive identification from Yannis.

-Mark.

Now, what is Sam up to?

He has won the game because Mark got spotted first,

so he is just having a bit of fun, really.

Are you all right?

Yes, yes, they've got him.

He is our winner.

-Woo-hoo!

-I know we made truly beautiful women

but I can't believe you didn't get us as brides. We had beards!

We really did.

Thank you very much, guys. You've been great sports.

Give it up one more time for Aris, Sofia and Yannis.

-Hey, look who we have here.

-Hey, you know when you grow up,

you're going to be a fistful of fun.

Finger Of Fun, don't grow up too fast, will you?

Time just goes too fast, you want to stay young while you can,

I'll tell you that for free.

-Stop it now. Finger Of Fun, find us someone.

-Go!

# Who is it going to be?

# Who is it going to be? Not you... #

-It might be you.

-Wow! It could be...

# Who is it going to be? Not you. #

Oh... OK. All right.

The Finger Of Fun has made up its mind.

-What are your names, please?

-Kia and Kerry.

Excellent. I bet you're itching to find out what's in store for you,

-aren't you, girls?

-Yes.

-They looked petrified.

Get yourselves down here because it's time to play Prize Surprise.

Come on down.

-Welcome to the show, Kia and Kerry. Are you all right?

-Yes.

Excellent. You look a bit nervous, don't be nervous.

-Have you got any guesses of why you've been picked?

-No.

-OK.

Well, it's actually to do with your love of a particular animal.

Some people love cats, some people love dogs.

-What animal do you love, girls?

-Rhinos.

-Rhinos!

What is it that you love about rhinos so much?

They are just so cool and they are like unicorns but they're just big.

-You do know that unicorns don't exist, don't you?

-But rhinos do.

-That is true. She's got you there.

-She has so got me there.

What have you done to show your love for rhinos?

-We wrote a song at school.

-You did what, sorry?

-You wrote a song?

-Why did you say that?

-Why did you say that, Kerry?

Does that song sound something like this?

# Did you know that I really love rhinos?

# Oh, did you that I really love them? #

-Wow!

-Brilliant. Very good.

I am impressed, girls. Lyrical genius. That is one catchy song.

Yes, you are through to boot camp.

It is so catchy, I've heard a few other people singing it.

-I say people, I meant celebrities.

-Indeed.

It would seemed that rhino fever is sweeping the nation

and anyone who is anyone is getting in on the act.

If I said I've heard JLS are fans of it,

-One Direction are fans of it, would you believe me?

-No.

-I'm about to cry!

-Don't cry.

But you'd better believe what Mark is talking about. Check this out, girls.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you The Rhino Song.

# Oh, did you know that I really love rhinos?

# Oh, yes, did you know that I really love them?

# Boom-ba, doom-ba doom-ba, doom-ba

# I can remember when I saw my first rhino

# Oh, I screamed and cried

# With happiness. #

That is hilarious!

Masterpiece right there. Number One. Number One.

Girls, we may be looking at a number one... Top Ten, anyway.

-What do you think of that? That was good, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

You're just giggling.

We've come to the part of the show where the only thing

we've come to expect is the unexpected.

Yes, this is the part of the show that gives us sleepless nights

and makes me wish that I had my teddy bear Barney.

-I think you have said a little bit too much.

-I agree.

It's time for us to say, bring on the Truck Of Luck!

Inside this vehicle there is something waiting for us,

but Mark and I have no idea what it is,

but whatever it is, we just have to go with it.

Here we go. Mystery guest, please reveal yourself.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no.

Wow. My goodness.

BOTH: Wa-hey!

OK, now it's our time to prove ourselves. Let's get started, then.

Here we go...

MORRIS DANCING MUSIC

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tony, it's all down to you to decide who won.

Well done. It was almost too close to call...

I was very impressed.

Sam, your footwork left nothing to the imagination...

LAUGHTER

-..and your prowess with a stick was absolutely mind-boggling.

-Thank you.

It was a bit shaky at first, then you really got to grips with it.

So it's very difficult to say, but I think, on balance,

I'm going to give the palm to...

-..Mark.

-CHEERING

Whoa! Yeah! Thank you!

-Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

-Yeah! All right!

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

-Everybody loves us...

Sam and Mark, kids love them, but I'm not a kid.

-Everybody knows us...

-They were great in the bungalow, weren't they?

-No, that was Dick and Dom.

-Was it? Oh.

Everybody wants to be us...

Sam and Mark? Didn't they used to be singers?

Thank goodness they gave that up.

-He's Sam.

-He's Mark.

-We're kind of a big deal.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We'll see you next time, but before we go, playing us out,

Lilygreen And Maguire. Take it away, lads. See you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Last night

# Was it the best or worst of your life

# Never again It's not happening tonight

# At least that's what we say in the morning

# Till we do it one more time

# Turn it up

# Cos every night, we get on it

# You can't deny

# When the sun comes up

# We'll say goodbye, then get on it One more time

# Turn it up, go who-oa

# Who-oa

# On it

# One more time

# Wake up

# I can't believe it's happened again

# You blame it on your stupid friends

# The same excuses but you can't fight

# One more party, one more time

# Turn it up

# Cos every night, we get on it

# You can't deny

# When the sun comes up

# We'll say goodbye, then get on it

# One more time

# Turn it up, go who-oa

# Who-oa

# On it

# One more time

# Turn it up, go who-oa

# Who-oa

# On it

# One more time

# You kill me one more time

# Here we go now, one more time

# Here we go now, one more time

# Here we go now, one more time

# The same excuses

# But it's all right

# One more party, one more time Yeah

# Turn it up, cos every night

# We get on it

# You can't deny

# When the sun comes up

# We'll say goodbye

# Then get on it

# One more time

# Turn it up, go wh-oa

# Who-oa

# On it

# One more time

# Turn it up, go wh-oa

# Who-oa

# On it

# One more time. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE