The Mend Sam & Mark's Big Wind-Up

# Wind me up, put me down, start me off and watch me go

# It's easy once you know how it's done

# You can't stop now it's already begun... #

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Big Friday Wind-Up

and here's everyone's favourite double act called Sam and Mark,

it's Sam...and Mark!

CHEERING

Hello! Hello!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Whoo!

-BOTH: It's Friday!

-This is where your week ends...

-And your weekend starts.

-Enjoy it before your weekend ends...

-And your week starts again.

But right now, studio audience, the golden rule is no-one is safe.

-Mark, shall we?

-Why not?

-Thanks. Thanks a lot.

-Thanks.

Hello, studio audience. Are you all right? Hello!

Hello!

Right, look at all you scared...

All looking at me. This is lovely.

I am going to come and speak to somebody right here.

I'm going to speak to...you, Amy.

-Hello! You all right?

-Yep.

Now, Amy, I have heard that your mum is a little embarrassing. Is she?

-Yes.

-Is this your mum right here?

-Yep.

-Is this Amanda?

-Mm-hm.

-Amanda, how are you?

-Fine, thank you.

-Are you embarrassing?

-No.

Shall we find out why she's embarrassing? I think we should.

Because every time we go to Disneyland,

my mum and dad always kiss in public in front of the castle.

Aww, no! Not kissing in public!

-And wasn't there something one night when you went to bed early?

-Yep.

What happened?

-Well, I was awake in my room for like an hour.

-Yeah.

-Couldn't get to sleep.

-And I went downstairs

and I looked through a little crack in the door

and I saw my mum and dad with the music on, dancing and kissing!

Oh, no!

Mark, beat that!

I just don't know whether I can. Look at these faces.

Petrified, the lot of them. OK. Who am I going to come to?

Hello, people. I am actually going to come to...you, Molly.

-How you doing?

-Fine, thanks.

-Are you enjoying the show?

-Yeah.

I've heard that you've got an embarrassing mum sitting here.

-All right, Angie?

-Yes, thank you.

-Why does she embarrass you?

-Well, like, wherever we are,

if a track comes on that she likes,

she just stops and starts dancing!

What?! What, any track?

-Any track that she likes.

-Really? Well, Angie,

-we've got a track you might like.

-LATIN AMERICAN MUSIC PLAYS

Get up! Let's do it!

Hey! High five, Angie. High five.

Sorry, Molly, it had to be done.

Sam, can you do any better? Good luck.

It's going to be difficult, but I think I can beat it.

-I'm going to speak to...Georgia. Hello. You all right?

-Yeah.

-How's it going?

-All right.

-You look shocked.

Now, Georgia, tell me about your mum.

I've heard that she's got a bit of a special hobby.

-Yeah.

-What does she do?

-Cheerleader.

-She's a cheerleader!

Lovely. What kind of stuff does she do?

-Toe touches and splits and stuff.

-Splits?!

Wow. Interesting. When she struts her stuff, is it embarrassing?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I bet it is. You're not alone today.

-Are these all your friends?

-Yeah.

Hello! Give us a wave!

Oh, lovely. Am I right in thinking that all you girls cheerlead?

-And now all your mums have started?

-Yeah.

-That IS embarrassing.

We've actually got a picture of your mums in their cheerleading gear.

Hey!

-What do you think of that, Georgia?

-No.

Now your mums are not here today. Where are they?

-At a competition.

-A cheerleading competition? Oh, wow.

To tell you the truth, girls, your mums ARE at a competition.

Georgia, your mum isn't. She's right backstage

and she's going to do a routine now.

Give it up for Penny!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're hot! We're aiming for the top!

I'm Penny! You're Georgia! We're hot, hot, hot!

Yay! Very good! Very good indeed.

Georgia, what do you think about that?

-Is that embarrassing?

-Mm.

Now, girls, I told you a little bit of a fib.

Your mums are not at the competition. Come on in, girls!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Five, six, seven, eight!

MUSIC: "Just Dance" by Lady Gaga

# Just Dance Spin that record babe

# Duh-duh-duh-duh... #

MUSIC: "The Edge Of Glory" by Lady Gaga

#..The edge

# I'm on the edge

# Of glory

# And I'm hanging on a moment with you... #

MUSIC: "Telephone" by Lady Gaga

#..And you're not going to reach my telephone

# Out in the club and I'm sipping that bubb

# And you're not gonna reach my telephone. #

Yay!

Yeah!

How good was that? That was fantastic.

Please, give it up for Penny and the other mums!

CHEERING

-Ah!

-Ahh!

-Hey, Abby and Ellie. Enjoying the show so far?

-Yeah.

-Excellent stuff.

Not so long ago, Mark and I were set a challenge to disguise ourselves

-in a series of wacky outfits...

-Yeah!

-..to see how far we could go

-without these girls recognising us.

-So how do you think we did?

-Only one way to find out. Ellie?

-Run VT!

-Nice.

-Ah, another lovely day in Liverpool.

-Until we showed up!

THEME FROM MAGNUM PI

CAR HORN BEEPS

-It's time for In Your Face.

-We're getting in the face of these two.

-What are you doing?

-Putting out the vibe.

-I'm taking Ellie.

-And I'm taking Abby.

-The aim is not to get recognised.

-We've got loads of costumes to help.

Whoever gets away with it the longest wins.

But if they uncover our identity and make a positive ID in our faces,

then it's game over.

Let's get ready to rumble! Round One!

Gas Man.

Can these two stinkers pretend they work for a gas company?

First up, Sam.

Gas Man! Gas Man!

Gas Man, yeah! It's one of my favourite ones. It'll be brilliant.

-Smell gas, you know who to call.

-You are a gas man

investigating a gas leak that's been reported in the area.

-Knock on Abby's door.

-Yeah.

-Ask Abby if she smelt any gas

-and you must say the word "gas" five times during the conversation.

-OK.

-OK?

-I'll try!

-If Abby says, "Are you Sam from Sam and Mark?"

it's a very early bath for you. Do your thing, Gas Man.

-What's your accent going to be?

-I think I'll go for Welsh.

Oh, interesting!

Hello there. I'm from Gas Gas Ltd. We've had reports of a gas leak.

Have you smelt any gas?

-No.

-You haven't? Well, if you do smell gas, contact Gas Gas Ltd.

-OK.

-Thank you very much.

-I now work for Gas Gas Ltd.

-I'll work for Gas Gas Gas Gas Gas Ltd!

Your turn. What's your accent going to be?

-"Ee, have you smelt any gas?"

-Right.

So Sam leads one nowt.

Next up, Mark.

OK, I'm 1-0 up. If she says, "You're Mark from Sam and Mark,"

-you are out of there.

-Watch me. This is going to be TV gold.

You have to say the word "gas" at least five times.

Here we go, here we go.

Excuse me, love.

I'm the gas man from the gas company. There's been a gas leak.

-Have you smelt any gas?

-No.

You've not smelt any gas? No? OK.

If you do smell any gas, go on the website I've Got Gas.

It's in the phone book as well. All right?

Are you Mark?

-Who's that?

-Mark from Sam and Mark.

-Yes, I am.

-Rumbled!

No...! Oh...

-Not on the first go!

-First round! What a fool!

That's the first time anybody has ever got it first time.

How are you doing? High five. All right, Mum?

I'll high five you as well. That's the shortest day for me ever.

You are rubbish.

Did you not like my Scouse accent?

Unbelievable scenes! Back to you in t'studio.

CHEERING

I'm devastated, actually. I've never been recognised in Round One.

-Was my accent that bad?

-Yeah.

-Even this guy said it!

-He said it was awful!

-You are useless on this game, mate.

-Unbelievable.

Abby, did you have any idea that I was the gas man?

I was a little bit suspicious, but I didn't want to be rude.

-Oh, bless you! Thank you. Sucks to be you.

-It really does.

So Mark was out of the game, but the fun didn't stop there.

-Let's see how far I could take this. Abby, do the honours.

-Run VT!

So Sam's the winner, but let's see how far he can push it

in Round Two - Artist.

Can he draw a picture of his target without getting caught?

I cannot believe I'm saying this after Round One, but well done.

Thanks. This is lovely for me now.

I can bask in the glory and see how far I can take it.

-Lovely, look at you.

-Sorry?

-You look ridiculous.

I heard you! I'm just sorry.

-Here are the rules. You are an artist painting in the park.

-Yeah.

As Abby comes towards you, you need to paint a picture of her.

I'm so in love with painting that I've done a picture of you.

-What's that it says on there?

-You're holding up your hands, saying,

-"I'm rubbish at In Your Face!"

-I hope she gets you on this one.

-She's looking at you.

-Ah, bonjour!

A picture?

Em...OK.

Bonjour, bonjour.

-Tres bien. Tres bien.

-Stop saying "bonjour"!

Do it quicker, mate. She's going to suss you out.

Come on!

Come on, Abby. Come on.

Ah, tres bien. Tres bien.

Surely. Surely. You've got to get him.

Bonjour. You like?

-Yeah.

-Ah, tres bien!

-"Bonjour. You like?"

-Thank you.

Thank you.

-That was the worst drawing ever.

-It really looked bad.

CHEERING

Oh...

I am just...so good at this.

-That's the worst drawing ever!

-I genuinely don't know if she knows.

I don't think she does. You kept on saying, "Bonjour!"

-That's all I had.

-I was like, "Come on! Get him!"

-She doesn't know.

-Again. I'm going to the third round.

I am the king of this.

-This is called Explode of Colour.

-It's really nice(!)

So Sam makes it 2-0,

but can he now give an Oscar-winning performance as a female usher?

Not the pop star Usher. People who work in t'cinema. Let's move on.

-Sam Nixon, you're looking absolutely foxy.

-Thanks.

-I'm loving the pigtails.

-Are you eating popcorn?

-No.

-You are.

-A little bit.

-Brilliant. Enjoy it.

Sam, when Abby comes in, take her ticket,

tell her which cinema she needs to go to and get in a certain word

that I will give to you at the appropriate time. Good luck.

-Thank you.

-I'll eat my popcorn now.

-Mate, how are you feeling?

-Pretty nervous.

-You look ridiculous.

Here they come.

Hiya, you all right? How are you doing?

Can I have your seat tickets? Thank you very much.

-And it's Screen One. OK? That's brilliant.

-We need our 3D glasses.

-No worries, no worries.

-The word you've to get in is "potato".

Oh, potato! I dropped it.

Sorry about that.

There's your 3D glasses. It's the first one on the right. Off you go.

-Thank you very much.

-Thanks.

-Bye! Enjoy the film.

Bye!

"Potato. I've dropped it." Are you kidding?

-She's coming back.

-Coming back.

-Say it!

-Do I? Who's that?

-Somebody off CBBC.

-Off CBBC? Oh, I love CBBC. I get that a lot.

-Is it Helen Skelton?

-No. It's Sam from Sam and Mark.

Finally! Hey!

Hey-hey-hey!

I've been playing a game with you all day. You guessed it right.

Mark's been playing the same game with your friend Ellie.

Do you remember this morning when a gas man came to your door?

-That... I knew it!

-That was me!

-Ellie found out Mark straight away.

-I was rubbish.

I tried to do a Scouse accent and she got me straight away.

She really did. Abby, I am so glad you didn't say anything.

That means that I'm the winner!

Sam, you make a terrible artist, but you make a beautiful woman!

I don't know about that! But I won. Abby, I can't believe

-you didn't recognise me as a woman.

-I was confused, really.

-I was confused.

-So was I.

-And I apologise to any French people.

-Bonjour!

-Je suis pantaloons.

A big thank you, everybody. Please give it up for Abby and Ellie!

CHEERING

So much still to come, but please welcome this week's special guests,

The Mend!

CHEERING

Come over here, lads!

-Nice to see you.

-How are you doing, lads? All right?

Good to see ya. You all right?

It's The Mend!

It's a bit like that, this sofa.

You spend a lot of time together. Ever play pranks?

All the time.

Whenever any of us goes to sleep, there's a picture like that.

Like that.

-A lot of them.

-As you well know, we played a prank on you guys

when you arrived at your dressing room. Shall we take a look?

-Audience?

-YES!

-Run that VT! Come on.

THEY CHATTER

Aaargh!

Thank you(!)

Nice to meet you, mate.

I tell you what - 1-0.

It's embarrassing. We'll get the next one.

Well, you made friends with Chimpy. Not a lot of people do that.

-What were you thinking?

-His reaction made me jump!

He screamed like a little girl.

Lads, thanks for being such great sports.

'Take one fake photo booth, a water pistol and this is what you get!'

BOTH: Ohhh!

-What is it?

-It's water!

APPLAUSE

I love seeing people's faces when they don't know what's going on!

-Don't speak too soon because now it's our turn.

-No, not this again.

It's the part of the show where Mark and I get a surprise of our own.

Without further ado, we must say...

BOTH: Bring on the Truck of Luck!

HORN TOOTS

OK, there is something inside this vehicle,

but Mark and I have no idea what.

Whatever it is, we just have to go with it.

All right, here we go. Mystery guest, please reveal yourself.

-Let me see high knees. High knees, let's go!

-Oh, no!

Press-ups, let's go. Five!

One, two, three, four, five. Into the squat position, let's go!

Squat with ball, go!

One, two, three, four.

Shoulder press-up, let's go. One, two, three, four.

That'll do!

CHEERING

Oh, man! How are you doing?

-All right, guys?

-How are you doing?

-All right?

-How are you doing?

I'm just shattered watching you. Is that our challenge?

-No, you're going to be doing an assault course right here.

-Wow!

-This is going to be tiring.

-It really is.

But how do you think we are going to do?

Studio audience, vote for who you think will do this best.

-If you get it right, there is a prize.

-You've got two cards.

-Blue for me and pink for Mark.

-Make your decisions.

BOTH: And raise your cards!

I reckon that's quite even.

Yeah, even-stevens. Maybe a few more Marks.

-I don't know. Yeah, go on then.

-LAUGHTER

We'd best go and get ourselves ready then.

APPLAUSE

-Yeah...

-This is happening.

We are back and ready to do our challenge. I'm a bit nervous.

You are? I am! So, guys, what have we got to do?

We'll do the mini-assault course.

-Stand to attention whilst I go through each obstacle.

-OK.

The first obstacle is high knees all the way through the tyres.

When you get here, it's five press-ups.

It's down to the floor, all the way down.

As soon as you've done that, it's under the net as fast as you can.

OK, when you're done, come out of there, hurdle the log.

Then you've got some exercises to do with me.

It's back to five press-ups. I'll pass you the medicine ball.

Stick it on your chest. Five...

As soon as you've done five, you reach up to the sky, shoulder press.

I'll stop the clock after the fifth one and you're stood to attention.

-Any questions, gents?

-So it's a memory test as well?

-He'll shout at you.

-I wish I hadn't paid my gym membership this month.

-What a waste that was!

-Cheers, mate.

-Am I going first?

-Yeah, why not?

-I'll go first.

-Off you go, mate!

Why did I agree to go first? What a stupid thing to do!

-OK, lads, tell me when.

-OK, are you ready?

-Yeah.

Three, two, one, go! High knees, high knees!

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

One, two, three, four, five.

Under the net, let's go, let's go, let's go!

Let's go! Come on, come on!

Over the top, over the top, go!

Down we go. One, two, three, four...

Here we go. Into the squat, let's go!

Nice one. Strong, strong, strong.

Over your head, over your head. Go on.

-..three, four, five!

-Yeah!

-KLAXON

-Well done, well done.

-APPLAUSE

-That was fun.

-Well done.

Oh, man, somebody's been working out and it's not me!

OK, three, two, one, go!

Right, let's go.

One, two, three, four, five.

Under the net, let's go. Quick as you can!

Let's go, let's go. Over we go.

Five press-ups, down we go, let's go!

AUDIENCE: One, two, three, four, five!

Here we go, squats, let's go! Go, go, go, go!

-..three, four, five!

-Over your head. Five!

One, two, three, four, five. KLAXON

Well done, well done. It's finished, it's finished.

-APPLAUSE

-That's good. That's good, man.

OK, OK.

Can you do this bit? You do this bit.

So, guys, it's up to you. Who has won - Sam or Mark?

OK...

In second place was...

Sam with a time of 27 seconds

and today's winner is Mark with 25 seconds!

-APPLAUSE

-Yes! So it's a win for me.

And it's a win for everyone who voted for me

because you'll all receive a Big Friday Wind-Up toy!

CHEERING

OK, thank you to our fantastic, fantastic guests!

Yeah, give them a massive round of applause. Thank you very much, guys.

'Take one lift with some random members of the public.'

DING! PARP!

'Add one wind-up trumper on a fake toilet.'

TOILET FLUSHES 'And this is what you get.'

PARP! BRRRP!

PARP!

When you've got to go...

PARP!

BRRRP!

PARP!

DING! PARP!

It's almost time to wind up the show,

but not before we say thank you to everybody we surprised tonight.

And a big thank you to our boot camp instructors.

See you next time, but playing us out, it's The Mend. Take it away!

Ooh!

-See you!

-Bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Had your number on speed dial

# You never answered when I reached out

-# I looked left!

-I looked to the left

-I looked right!

-And to the right

# But you weren't there

# Tell me where, tell me where were you?

# 24/7 you'd be there for me

# No matter what happened, you would care for me

-# I looked up!

-I looked to the sky

-I looked down!

-Down to the ground

# But you weren't there, tell me where, tell me where were you?

# Am I missing something?

# Is the network down in your part of town?

-# Cos I couldn't get through to ya

-You didn't hear the phone ring

# Cos you're in a crowd and you're busy now

# Where were you in the middle when this all went down?

-# Where were you at the bitter end?

-Cos you said you'd be there

# You're a fair-weather lover, that I understand

# Where were you when I needed a friend?

# I'm gonna find you anyway, anyway

# Tell me where, tell me where were you?

# You said you'd be there!

# Tell me where, tell me where were you?

# Three, two, one

# I know what you run, don't think you can come and go when you want

# Cos one minute you was here, one minute you was there, then the next minute you were gone

# I see you in it for the bling, you in it for the money, in it for the cha-ching

# Sorry, babe, but I ain't giving you a ring, I ain't giving you a thing, where you been?

# Am I missing something?

# Say you're ill in bed, huh? Not what your Facebook said

-# Cos we seen that

-Am I losing my mind?

# If you're really gone, why am I holding on?

# Where were you in the middle when this all went down?

-# Where were you at the bitter end?

-Cos you said you'd be there

# You're a fair-weather lover, this I understand

# Where were you when I needed a friend?

# I'm gonna find you anyway

# All the nights, all the promises and all the love

# All the money and the time that I spend

# I gave you it all

# You're a fair-weather lover, this I understand

# Where were you when I needed a friend?

# You said you'd be, you said you'd be there

# Tell me where, tell me where were you?

# You said you'd be, you said you'd be there

-# Tell me where were you?

-Cos you said you'd be there

# Tell me where, tell me where were you?

# Where were you when I needed a friend? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.