Episode 9 Sam & Mark's Big Wind-Up

# Wind me up, put me down

# Start me up and watch me go

# It's easy once you know how it's done

# You can't stop now, it's already begun... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Ladies and gentlemen, here are your hosts,

'the gruesome Wind-Up twosome.

'It's Sam and Mark!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come here, you! Come here!

La, la, la, la!

High-five, high-five, high-five!

Wooo, yeah!

-BOTH:

-Welcome to Wind-Up!

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

It's the show that does exactly what it says on the tin.

What's that, then?

-It winds people up, Mark, of course!

-Ah, yes!

-Wind-Up's our name, surprises are our game.

-If you like surprises...

-You're in the right place.

-If you like pranks...

-You're in the right place.

-And, if you like Brussels sprouts...

Definitely, definitely...

-in the wrong place.

-Definitely.

But stay tuned to find out what happened

when some of our fans were pranked right on their doorstep.

Hiya, mate.

A new window cleaner in the area.

I am the best in the business.

You won't get better than me.

I've been working on some new moves. Do you like that? And that, as well?

What is he doing?

To top it all off, there'll be a performance from,

check this, Tyler James!

CHEERING

Loved that guy on The Voice!

Loved him!

The catch phrase of our show is... BOTH: No-one's safe.

-And the wind-up starts...

-Now!

-Thank you very much.

-Lovely.

So many nervous faces.

I could be coming to speak to any one of you guys.

I'll come over here.

All right, mate? How you doing?

Andrew, how you doing, mate? Are you all right?

-I'm all right, thank you.

-Is this your daughter Millie?

-It is, yeah.

-Hello, Millie. How you doing?

-Fine.

-Yeah?

I hear that Andrew, your dad,

does something rather embarrassing to your brother.

-Is that true?

-Yeah.

Go on, could you explain?

Well, when he's not looking,

he pulls his pants down and trumps in front of his face.

LAUGHTER

Andrew! This is a classy show, mate.

Why do you do it? Why do you do it?!

-Retribution.

-Retribution. All right.

-And does that embarrass you?

-Yeah.

Don't do it. Don't do it.

You've not got one brewing now, have you?

-No, not yet.

-All right. Good luck to you, anyway.

All right, Sam, over to you, mate.

That is disgusting! Andrew! Oh!

Right, I am now going to come and speak to...you.

-Hello, Marin. You all right?

-Yeah!

-How's it going?

-Good.

-Good. Excellent!

Now, do you have any idea why I've sat next to you here?

-No.

-You don't?

Well, what would you say if I said

# Uh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh... #

-Oh, no.

-What would that mean to you, Marin?

-My dad.

-Your dad?

Interesting! Now, what is it about your dad?

Why does that ring any bells?

-Any time that song comes on, he dances to it.

-Really?

-So, he loves a bit of Beyonce, does he?

-Yes!

Oh, interesting. Is he quite embarrassing in general, your dad?

-Yeah.

-Does he dress up a lot?

-A lot.

Actually, we've got a picture of your dad dressed up right now.

Let's take a look. There he is!

LAUGHTER

-Now, forgive me if I'm wrong, but that's not Beyonce, is it?

-No!

Who's he dressed up as there?

-What's she called?

-Sandy.

-Sandy out of Grease.

Sandy out of Grease? Oh!

Well, I tell you something, it's a real shame,

because I don't know about you guys, but I would love to see

Marin's dad do the Beyonce dance right now, wouldn't you guys?

-No!

-No? You guys are saying no.

Well, unfortunately, we can't,

-because your dad's not here today, is he?

-No.

Well, to tell you the truth, Marin, your dad is here.

In fact, he's going to do the dance right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the Beyonce Dad!

CHEERING

-# All the single ladies

-# All the single ladies

-# All the single ladies

-# All the single ladies

-# All the single ladies

-# All the single ladies

# All the single ladies

# Now put your hands up

# Up in the club, we just broke up

# I'm doing my own little thing

# You decided to dip

# And now you wanna trip

# Cos another brother noticed me

# I'm up on him, he up on me

# Don't pay him any attention

# Just cried my tears for three good years

# You can't be mad at me

# Cos if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it

# If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it

# Don't be mad once you see that he want it

# Cos if you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it

# If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it

# If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it

# Don't be mad once you see that he want it

# If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it

# Oh, oh, oh. #

CHEERING

Yes! Yes!

Oh, Beyonce's never looked so good, my friend!

Oh, did you enjoy that, Dad?

Oh, yeah!

Give it up for Gavin, everyone!

CHEERING

'Take one fake photo booth and one rubber spider

'and this is what you get!'

Aaargh!

-Argh!

-Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Aaaargh!

So, let's get back to the business of winding up.

Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like you to meet some friends of ours.

Give it up for Lewis and Callum!

CHEERING

All right, ladies? Sorry, sorry.

All right, lads, how you doing? Good to see you!

-How you doing? Are you enjoying the show so far?

-Yeah.

-Excellent!

-Looking rather dapper, I must say.

-You are, nice.

Now, not so long ago, these lads were the subject

of one of our wind-ups, weren't you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

We filmed you with our hidden cameras,

and our task was to disguise ourselves as different

characters without you recognising us.

-Now, did you guys have any idea what was going on?

-No.

No. I even had the mind to go and shout my mum.

THEY LAUGH

Brilliant! Let's take a look and see what happened.

-Callum, do the honours down camera one.

-Run VT!

Oh, another majestic day in Manchester.

Until we turned up!

HORN HONKS

Hello, and welcome to another edition of In Yer Face.

And today, we are going to get

right in the face of two of our biggest fans.

-What, your mum and dad?

-Ye... No! These two.

-I'm taking Callum.

-And I'm taking Lewis.

The aim of the game is not to get recognised.

And we've got loads of costumes and cunning disguises to help.

And whoever gets away with it the longest is the winner.

But if they uncover our true identity

and make a positive ID right in our faces,

then it's game over.

'Oh, my word. What do they look like?

'Absolutely ridiculous!

'A couple of hairy Marys.'

First up, Sam.

Well, well, well. Mr Sam Nixon.

-You look like you should be in a '70s rock band.

-Thanks, man.

You are a window cleaner.

What I want you to do is knock on Lewis's door, hand him a flyer

and then maybe show him some of your window-cleaning techniques.

-Give him a demo.

-Yeah. I've got me squeegee. I'm ready for it.

Oh, brilliant. OK. Well, the best of luck.

You do realise, if he does say,

"Are you Sam from Sam and Mark?" you're out first go?

This is the point where I normally give you trash talk,

but I'm not confident, so I won't today.

Oh, go on. I like it.

All right, then. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's not going to get me.

Yeah, I've missed that.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Hello, you all right, mate?

I just wondered if you could give that to your mum.

I'm a new window cleaner in town.

I'm just going round all the houses on the street, just trying to

get a new business going, all right?

If you look at this, lads, you just give it a good clean like that.

And then I'll squeegee it off and, I tell you something,

I am the best in the business.

You won't get better than me.

Just, there's the leaflet.

If you take a look, love, and let me know

if you need any window cleaners, yeah?

All right, love. Thanks. See you later. Bye!

Absolutely nailed it.

# When I'm cleaning windows. #

-That was easier than I thought.

-Tell me about it!

That was highly successful. I tell you something,

though, I'm a horrible window cleaner!

Yes, you really are!

I can see the smears from here!

100% no streaks? That's a lie!

'So, Sam streaks into an early lead.

'Next up, Mark!'

Don't forget, Mark, I am 1-0 up.

I'm already through to the second round.

If Callum gets you on the first hurdle, you are out.

I am going to be, like, the best window cleaner ever.

I'm going to sell it, so don't worry about that.

I'll do it.

SAM LAUGHS

HE KNOCKS

Hiya, mate. New window cleaner in the area.

Take a leaflet there. Look at that.

If you'd like to take a look at what type of stuff I can do.

Put that on there.

Get the squeegee.

Down, down and down.

"Down."

Now, the rem-e-nants will come off there,

-but you know what I'm saying.

-Rem-e-nants?

All right, mate. So, if you take a leaflet.

Number on the bottom there. What's your name?

Nice to meet you, Callum. You take care.

You take a leaflet. See you soon.

No idea.

CHEERING

-All right!

-That was good.

-Yes!

They've got no idea.

"The rem-e-nants will disappear."

THEY LAUGH

'With the scores at one apiece,

'let's bust a move into Round Two.

'Break dancer. Look at them perms!

'There's some fantastic disguises this week.

'Right, let's see some dance moves, Sam.'

# Can't touch this...#

All right, Mr Sam Nixon.

-Looking rather brilliant.

-Thanks, man. I'm ready for it.

You are a break dancer.

What's your name going to be?

-Ricky B.

-What's the B stand for?

-B-boy.

-Oh, yeah.

-I should know that.

-And I'm from Brooklyn.

-Wow.

You reckon you can pull off the American accent?

Probably not.

OK, well. Here are the rules.

You've got to show Lewis a new move that you've made up, right?

-Right.

-And then ask him to name that move.

-OK, I can do that.

-Do you reckon you can?

I'm Ricky B, man! I'm from Brooklyn!

LAUGHTER

Here we go.

He's going to get him!

How you doing, guys! I'm Ricky B!

How you doing? I'm Ricky B from Brooklyn, New York!

"Ricky B from Brooklyn!"

How you doing, guys? I've got a new move. You want to see my new move?

Do you want to see my new move?

Here we go. How we doing?

This is my new move, man!

This is my new move!

He's looking at him really strangely!

See? What do you think I should call the move, man?

You don't know?

He's proper like, "What is going on here?"

I'm Ricky B!

Say it, say it! Come on!

See you next time.

Aww!

Sam Nixon, you are lucky!

How you doing? I'm Ricky B!

-What?!

-How you doing?

-That's...

That was unbelievable.

-He was stunned.

-I don't think he's got any idea.

He hasn't got a clue.

And that's really bad.

-Bad for you!

-It really is. How could he not know?!

What do you mean? I'm Ricky B!

'So, Ricky B, aka Sam, leads 2-1.

'Next up, Marky Mark.'

-2-1 to me, Mark!

-Yes, yes, I know.

You must be feeling pretty nervous!

No, I'm not, actually. I'm feeling good.

You're very good at break dancing.

-Will you do your shoulder freeze?

-Well, you know.

I have got a background in break dancing.

So, this should be a breeze.

Do you want to know my B-boy name?

-Go on, then.

-Big Dog Hands Clap.

Big Dog Hands Clap?

Wow. Good luck, dude!

Yo, man! See my break dance, man!

# It goes a little something

# Like this... #

Hey, man, you like break dancing? You like that?

You don't like break dancing?

You want to watch the Big Dog break dance?

I've been working on some new moves. Do you like that? And that, as well?

But this one's my favourite.

You go on the floor like that...

Wow. Impressive.

You stay there until it really hurts.

Oh! Well, I'm the Big Dog. What's your name, man?

Nice to meet you, Callum.

All right, let's do this!

He's got no idea whatsoever.

What is he doing?

Well, hello to the Big Dog!

THEY LAUGH

My favourite bit of that was,

"You hold it until it really hurts!"

-Well done!

-Hey, cheers, mate!

'So, that's two all.'

'Will these two beauties be able to wing it, or will they get caught?

'First to take flight, Samantha.'

Hello, Mrs Nixon!

A nice, feminine look for me.

OK, mate, here are the rules.

You are a...female butterfly warden

and you're worried about the butterflies

being caught in people's clothes as they leave Animal World.

What I want you to do is, when Lewis exits,

I want you to check his clothes

for any butterflies that may have got caught.

Then ask him to repeat a butterfly pledge

that you have come up with yourself.

Right. OK.

Have you got one in mind?

Err... I don't know. Not really.

I think I'll have to make that one up on the spot.

I am looking forward to that more than you will ever know.

-Hi, there, guys. Did you have a nice time at the Animal World?

-Yeah.

-Good.

We've just got to make sure that there are no butterflies

that's got into your clothes.

I tell you something, they're swines. They get everywhere.

Do you mind just checking your pockets?

Just make sure that there's no butterflies.

He's got a beard!

That's lovely. Thank you very much.

And just one last thing that we always do,

we always get our visitors to just make a pledge to the butterflies.

Is that all right?

-So, I...

-I...

MARK LAUGHS

Thank you very much. Have a lovely day, guys.

Thank you! Bye!

You've got to be joking.

-It's just too easy.

-Wait a minute.

Have you paid him off or something?

You've got a grey wig and lipstick on!

You're the same person!

He has got no idea.

-I can't believe this!

-3-2.

-I'm in the final once again!

-Oh, man!

Am I ever going to win this game?

'That is highly unlikely.

'It's 3-2 to Sam, but will Marketta be able to level t'scores?'

I can see the pressure coming out of your eyeballs.

There's no pressure on me.

-3-2 to me!

-But look at this! I can pull this off!

Don't forget, if he says,

"You're Mark from Sam and Mark," it's game over.

I know the rules of the game, thank you.

Here he comes, mate. Good luck!

'Scuse me, 'scuse me.

I'm one of the butterfly wardens

and we've had some problems with the butterflies escaping.

So, I was just wondering

if I could see whether you've got any butterflies on you?

Cos I'm trying to keep them all safe.

He's looking suspicious!

So, what we do, for everybody that comes down, is to do a pledge.

-After me, I... Your name.

-Callum.

Great. Oh, high-five to that, Callum.

Nice work. OK, off you go. I'll see you later!

Oh, I caught him!

I caught him good and proper!

I can't believe he's not got you!

I can't believe neither of us have been got today.

We just make beautiful-looking women.

'So, Mark's levelled it up to three all.

'It's time for a decider...'

'Sam and Mark must both choose one item

'from the mystery box of disguises.

'Sam draws some sideburns. Yes.

'And Mark a pair of Spock ears.

'Now they have to follow their target up a travelator,

'and whoever remains unidentified for the longest is the winner.

'So, both Lewis and Callum are making their way onto

'the travelators, closely followed by Sam and Mark.

'It's Mark that reaches Callum first.

'Will that prove to be a mistake?'

-Sorry, sorry.

-'Yes, yes, it will.

'He's looking at him

'and he's been rumbled.

'So, back to Sam.

'It looks like he's been spotted, as well.

He's smiling.

'He's looking to his mother

'but she can't give him the answer.

'Surely, he must know!

'Yes, Sam Nixon, you're rumbled,

'but you're the winner.'

CHEERING

-I'm sorry! I've got an issue with this!

-What?

I've got an issue with this. Your Lucky Dip item was sideburns.

You could have just had your hair cut funny.

I had Spock ears! They're so much tougher!

-I reckon that should have been a draw, personally.

-No!

Definitely not! Now, Callum, Lewis, did you guys have fun that day?

-Yeah!

-Excellent. What was the funniest bit for you?

The funniest bit was when you came to the window.

Cos I was like, "Oh, no. What's going on now?"

What about yourself, Callum?

Mine was the butterfly park, when we had to say the pledge.

And have you stuck to the pledge, lads?

-Yeah...

-No!

-Stay away from them moths, will you?

Yeah, do it. OK, brilliant.

Give it up, everyone, for Lewis and Callum!

CHEERING

And, just when you thought you couldn't take any more surprises,

-we just keep 'em coming.

-Oh, yes!

OK! Jess, we've heard that your dad

would really like to be a TV weatherman.

-Is that right?

-Yeah.

-Really? Why does he want to be a TV weatherman?

Well, he thinks that...

Sorry, Jess. Sorry, Jess.

I've just got to stop you there, actually.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah, sorry.

We're going to have to take a break there for an urgent news bulletin

as there's a severe weather warning coming through.

And you might find this particularly interesting.

Just take a look at this.

Well, sorry to interrupt Sam and Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up,

but we have a severe weather warning for you.

Yes, over to Andrew for more details.

Thank you. We interrupt the programme to bring you

some strange unsettled weather being forecast.

So you'd better be ready for just about anything.

Jess here looks so excited for the day,

but let's see what she's got to look forward to.

The big picture shows low-pressure bringing you

plenty of showers in the way, but there's also lots of sunshine.

Heavy rain will come first and bring some serious flooding.

In fact, you may have to find alternative ways of getting around.

But the unsettled weather also means very strong sunshine and high UV

levels, so make sure you slap on the SPF,

just like these people here.

That's today's weather with Andrew.

Thank you and back to the Wind-Up studio.

Very good! Very good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So...

So, Jess, who was that weatherman?

My dad!

-Yay!

-It was indeed your dad.

And he's sat in the studio audience.

Please, go crazy for Jess's dad, Andrew!

CHEERING

BOTH: Bring on the Truck of Luck!

HORN HONKS

OK. There is something inside this vehicle,

but Mark and I have no idea what.

-But, whatever it is, we just have to go with it.

-It could be anything.

Yes, that's the surprise, you see?

-OK, you ready?

-I think so.

-OK, Chimpy,

please reveal the mystery guest!

# Eat my goal... #

Oh, no! What?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

MUSIC: "Eat My Goal" by Collapsed Lung

Wow!

Yeah!

CHEERING

-Very good! John, is it, I believe?

-It is, yes. Nice to meet you.

This is John. So, you're a football freestyler?

That's it, that's what I do.

I have got no chance here! I can't even do one kick-up!

You're like a human dolphin or something!

LAUGHTER

-Wow!

-Oh, hello! What's this?

The challenge is a penalty shoot out.

You get 20 seconds to score as many goals as you can,

but Chimpy's in goal and you have to wear these clown shoes.

LAUGHTER

At least I might have a bit of a chance, then.

You've got more than a bit of a chance.

-Look at the size of these bad boys!

-So, that is our challenge.

-But how do you lot think we are going to do?

-OK, right, studio...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Studio audience, while we put on these ridiculous clown shoes,

we need you to vote for who you think will be the best.

-If you get it right, there is a prize in it for you.

-Yes.

Now, you each have two cards.

Blue for me and pink for Mark.

So, please make your decisions and...

BOTH: Raise your cards!

AUDIENCE SHOUT

-It's about 50-50, that.

-50-50.

You got everything on?

-OK, good?

-Good. Good.

All right, all right, all right.

I'll do my best for you, Sam fans!

-OK, John, am I going first, then?

-You're going first, yes.

So, remember, Chimpy's in goal. 20 seconds to score as many as you can.

OK. Where's my positioning? Where do you want me?

-Right in front of the stage.

-OK.

-Good luck!

-Right here?

-Ready?

Three, two, one, go!

Oh, no!

MUSIC: "Match Of The Day" by Barry Stoller

Well saved, Chimpy!

Yes!

Oh! Two!

Ah!

Yeah! Oh, no.

Oh, no!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-Curler!

-Oh, no, rubbish.

KLAXON BLARES

All right, Chimpy!

-Three, that's good.

-Don't you patronise me!

-In 20 seconds, that's all right!

-It's not bad.

-Three, was it?

-Oh, rubbish!

-I lost count.

You ready, Chimpy? You ready for the hurricane?

OK, so, dude. Three to beat.

-Ready? Good luck, Mark.

-Thanks, mate.

Three, two, one, go!

MUSIC: "Match Of The Day"

Come on, Chimpy! Save them for me!

Good save!

Yes!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

CHEERING

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

CHEERING

KLAXON BLARES

Chimpy!

Wooo!

Wooo!

Wooo!

SAM LAUGHS

-Well done, well done.

-Cheers, man.

All right, so, it's a win for me

and that means it's a win for everyone who voted for me!

CHEERING

Because you will all receive a no expense spared

Big Friday Wind-Up toy!

'Oooh.'

-OK, shall we get our breath back?

-Yes, please.

While we do that, take a look at what else

is coming up on this series of Wind-Up. Yeah!

-Wind-Up.

-It's where it's at.

THEY LAUGH

PFFFT

SHE SCREAMS

Oh!

-Hello.

-Oh, my...

The happiest I'll ever be in my life.

Come on, baby!

CHEERING

We will see you next time, but, before we go,

playing us out, it's the fantastic Tyler James.

Take it away. Ooh!

# Can't find the pieces of my broken heart

# Can't see the light, I'm fading into dark

# I fake the hurt I go through every day

# Like I'm OK, like I'm OK

# Every moment since you left I swear

# My world stopped turning

# Every picture in my heart of you

# Just keeps on burning

# I haven't cried a single tear all year

# I don't remember, is it September?

# Haven't cried a single tear all year

# I gotta confess, though, it feels like disaster

# And things will never be the same

# And all the hurt, it still remains

# I haven't cried a single tear all year

# Become the master of a million fears

# Ain't cried a single tear

# Ain't cried a single tear

# Ain't cried a single tear

# Ain't cried a single tear

# Living without you

# Don't know where to start

# Can't fight the will to slowly fall apart

# Living a lie, I tell myself every day

# I'll be OK, I'll be OK

# Lost in loneliness, can't find my way

# I keep on stalling

# In the emptiness I swear

# That I still hear you calling

# I haven't cried a single tear all year

# I don't remember

# Is it September?

# Haven't cried a single tear all year

# I gotta confess, though

# It feels like disaster

# And things will never be the same

# And all the hurt, it still remains

# I haven't cried a single tear all year

# Become the master of a million fears

# Ain't cried a single tear

# Ain't cried a single tear

# Oh, oh, oh

# I haven't cried a single tear all year

# I don't remember, is it September?

# Haven't cried a single tear all year

# I gotta confess, though

# It feels like disaster

# And things will never be the same

# And all the hurt, it still remains

# I haven't cried a single tear all year

# Become the master of a million fears

# Ain't cried a single tear. #