Episode 10 Sam & Mark's Big Wind-Up

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your hosts,

'they're the UK's most recognisable double act, but which one's which?

'Don't ask me, I haven't a clue!

'Give it up for Sam and Mark!'

MUSIC: "One Vision" by Queen

Come on!

Yeah!

-Oh, yes. Welcome to Friday. He's Sam.

-He's Mark.

-And we are about to start winding you up.

-Or are we?

DRAMATIC PIANO RIFF

LAUGHTER

-We are, he was actually winding you up just then.

-Or was I?

DRAMATIC PIANO RIFF

LAUGHTER

He was. You know what, that's what I like about you, Sam. In fact...

-HE MIMES:

-# That's what makes you beautiful. #

APPLAUSE

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

It's funny you should use the words of One Direction there, Mark, because

the lads themselves have been helping us out with a very special wind-up.

What do you think about that, audience?

AUDIENCE: Woo!

-Harry's me favourite.

-Oh, tell me about it, he is fit as.

LAUGHTER Sorry.

Anyway, we've got loads packed into this show,

including a performance from Loveable Rogues!

CHEERING

Absolutely brilliant.

And there will be prizes, surprises

and challenges for some members of our studio audience.

It could be any one of you.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

So, let's get started.

Over the series we've been revealing some of the

most embarrassing parents in the UK.

But tonight is very exciting, because backstage, we have got the UED.

-The UED, what's that when's it gone shopping?

-I'll tell you, Mark.

It is the Ultimate Embarrassing Dad.

Yeah, someone so shameful that his kid is going to wish

they hadn't bothered turning up. Shall we?

-Well, we're here, so we might as well, hadn't we?

-Let's do it.

POSH VOICE: Thanking you.

OK, right, I am going to speak to somebody here in the studio audience,

I can see you're all looking a little bit nervous, aren't you? Eh?

We are looking for the UED, don't forget,

the Ultimate Embarrassing Dad,

but there's a few embarrassing mums amongst us today, I reckon, as well.

So I would like to speak to...

..you, Emily and Katy! How you doing, all right, girls? BOTH: Yeah.

-Enjoying the show so far?

-Yeah.

-Excellent.

-Now, is that your mum over there?

-Yeah.

-What's your mum's name?

-Jacqueline.

-Hello, Jacqueline, how are you, all right?

-Yes, I'm fine, thank you.

-Excellent.

Now, we hear that your mum is a little bit embarrassing. Why's that?

Because she helps us with our homework and she's a teacher,

-and she always gets it wrong.

-WHAT?!

LAUGHTER

So not only does she get the homework wrong, to make it worse,

she's actually a teacher? That is really embarrassing.

Jacqueline, what have you got to say for yourself?

-They're only little ones.

-SAM LAUGHS

Doesn't make it any better. That is pretty embarrassing.

Mark, can you beat that?

Oh, deary, deary me, no apple for the teacher.

LAUGHTER

OK, I'm over here, I'm trying to find the UED -

the Ultimate Embarrassing Dad.

Eh, it's not you, mate.

Erm...

Is it you, sir? I think it might be, actually. Is this Thomas over here?

-How you doing, mate, you all right?

-Yeah.

-Is your dad a bit embarrassing?

-Yeah, really.

-This is Richard, yeah?

-Yeah.

Richard, I hear that you do a little bit of a dance.

-Is that right, Thomas?

-Yeah, he does the Funky Chicken REALLY badly.

Really badly?

Shall we find out how badly he does the Funky Chicken, guys?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Come on, stand up, mate.

FUNKY MUSIC

Come on, let's do it.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

You've got it.

Oh, wow. Look at those moves.

Wow!

CHEERING

Thomas, I don't know about you, but I thought that was rather splendid.

-A bit embarrassing though, yeah?

-Yeah.

-That was embarrassing,

but he's not the UED. Sam, over to you.

You're right, Mark, he is not the UED.

Now, I have actually got a list of the things that the UED

- the Ultimate Embarrassing Dad - does.

It's right here.

Apparently this dad gives his daughter a big cuddle and kiss

when he takes her to school.

Embarrassing.

Apparently he calls her his "babygirl" in public.

He makes loud jungle creature noises in the street?

Oh, this just gets worse!

Check this out - licks his plate clean after every meal.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Does funny walks when out with his kids.

Check this out - asks people to pull his finger and then trumps.

I mean, the list just goes on and on and on.

I mean, does this list of things that this dad does sound familiar

to anybody in the studio audience?

We've got a hand up. I believe your name's Betsy. Let me just come over.

Excuse me, sorry, I'm getting me bum in everybody's face.

Can I just sit down there? Thank you very much.

-Ooh, that's comfy. How you doing, Betsy, all right?

-Yeah.

Now, have I missed anything off that list?

Cos it were a pretty big list, weren't it?

-He sings in the most embarrassing moments as well.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah!

He sounds like a really embarrassing dad.

I mean, he does sound like the UED. What do you think, guys?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Now, Betsy, do you want to see what happens when you pull my finger?

Don't you worry!

Don't worry, love. Do you want to try it? Go on, pull me finger.

MUSIC: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by The Tokens

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Betsy's dad Adam!

APPLAUSE

Firepower! Ow!

AUDIENCE: Eugh!

HE MAKES BIRD AND GORILLA NOISES

PARP!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

-Triffic, mate.

-Cheers.

Oh, that was the most unsettling thing I've ever seen in my life.

Let's hear it for Adam, everyone. Well done, mate.

So, Betsy, what do you think about that?

-Uh, well...it's slightly embarrassing!

-Yeah, it is.

Well, don't worry, because not all is lost.

Now is your chance to get your own back on your dad.

Adam, you need to go and get yourself ready.

Betsy, you need to come with me,

because it's time to play Dad On A Wheel! Come on, Betsy.

CHEERING

Betsy's dad is backstage just getting "ready".

-Betsy, are you ready to see what we've done to your dad?

-Yeah.

Awesome. Audience, are you ready?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

In that case, everyone please give it up for Dad On A Wheel!

MUSIC: "What Goes Around... Comes Around" by Justin Timberlake

Look at this. So, Dad, how you feeling?

-Loving it.

-What?!

-Bring it on, I want prizes.

You mean you've not even learnt your lesson?

-Not yet.

-I can't believe this.

-Betsy, are you ready?

-Yeah.

All right, in that case, spin that dad and make him squeal,

come on, Sam...

AUDIENCE: Wind up that wheel!

Whatever you say!

MUSIC: "You Spin Me Round" by Dead Or Alive

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

Whoahhhh...

SAM AND MARK: Oh!

Can't believe it! It's landed on foam, Dad, I'm sorry.

The first one and it's landed on foam.

Three, two, one - go!

CHEERING

-That was good foaming.

-Betsy proper got into that. I'm liking her style.

-How you feeling, Dad?

-Cold!

OK, here comes the second spin, here we go!

Whoa...

Oh, oh, ohhhhh....

SAM AND MARK: Yay!

SAM LAUGHS

Well done, Dad,

you have just won a prize for every single member of our studio audience.

And that prize is...

a candy bracelet!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Right, you've got one spin left. Shall we try for another prize?

-Yes.

Here we go!

Wahey!

-It's landed on foam again, Dad.

-I can't believe it meself, mate, oh.

OK, guys, for the last time. Betsy, get him back, get him real good.

In three, two, one...

-Woohoo!

-Yay!

-Well done, Betsy.

-Nice work.

So that means, at the end of Dad On A Wheel, you got two foamings,

but you did win our entire studio audience a prize.

-Betsy and Dad, have you enjoyed yourselves?

-Fantastic, thanks, guys.

Let's hear it for Betsy and Adam, everyone.

SAM AND MARK: Bring on The Truck Of Luck!

OK, there is something inside this vehicle other than Chimpy,

-who has very kindly driven it for us.

-Cheers, mate.

Mark and I have no idea what it is,

but whatever it is, we just have to go with it.

All right, here we go.

Mystery guest, please reveal yourself.

DRUM ROLL

-Hello.

-Hello.

Hello, I'm Karen, and your challenge for today is going to be

shown on the screen at the top of the stairs.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

What on earth is that?

Karen, why are we looking at fire?

-Your challenge tonight is to walk on 20 foot of red-hot embers.

-What?!

AUDIENCE: Wahey!

Hang on a minute.

A few weeks ago we were doing pottery!

LAUGHTER

-This is a little bit different.

-We've got to walk across that?

-It will burn down...

-Thanks for that!

-I hope so!

It will burn down into a beautiful carpet of

twinkling, glowing embers.

I just have to say, please do not do this at home.

I'm specially trained and I'm going to take you

through some training so you'll be prepared for it tonight.

Thank you very much. Oh, well, I can't believe this.

So we'll be doing that challenge at the end of the show.

But right now, take a look at some of the mischief we've been

getting up to with our hidden cameras.

Yes, we started pranking our audience even before they got

through the studio doors today. Here's what happened.

'Take one fake photo booth and one rubber snake,

'and this is what you get.'

Agh!

LAUGHTER

THEY SCREAM

APPLAUSE

-Sorry.

-Unbelievable.

It's now time to introduce to you some friends of ours,

please welcome Megan and Rae!

Hello! High-five, high-five, yay!

I want some of that action.

How are you doing, girls, you enjoying the show?

-Yeah, it's really good.

-Thank you very much for saying!

Now, before we go on,

you are massive fans of a certain pop group, aren't you?

-Yes.

-Who is that?

-BOTH: One Direction!

SAM SCREAMS GIRLISHLY

Well, when we found out about your love for One Direction,

we couldn't resist playing a very naughty wind-up on you.

You girls thought you had been invited to audition for the

new One Direction TV channel, didn't you?

BOTH: Yeah.

But in fact, we'd set up the whole thing.

-Shall we take a look at what happened?

-BOTH: Yeah.

Excellent. In that case, Megan, down that camera, do the honours.

Run VT!

So, arriving at the BBC in London are our

two One Direction mega fans, Megan and Rae.

They're here to audition to be presenters for TV1D,

a new TV channel dedicated to One Direction -

that we've totally made up.

There's our Wind-Up actor Barry pretending to be

a producer for the fake TV channel.

And he's going to put the girls through an audition

they will never forget.

Come into the audition room.

THEY GASP

-They look so perfect, Rae.

-I need to, can we just...?

That is not life-size, they are shorter than that!

So listen, we are setting up a brand-new channel, as I said, TV1D.

It's specially for fans of One Direction.

Are you a fan of One Direction?

-Ya!

-Who's your favourite One Direction?

-Niall.

-Yeah, blondie.

-"Blondie."

-And yours is?

-All of them?

-Yeah!

-Oh, my goodness.

Now listen, this new channel will give you 24-hour access to the lads,

you can watch them at any time of day or night.

What the television bosses want are presenters who are not just

big fans, but, I mean, big, big, big fans.

-The biggest fans. Are you big fans of One Direction?

-BOTH: YES!

-MARK:

-It's time to prove it, girls, because we've prepared

a quiz that will put your 1D knowledge to the test.

Take it away, Barry.

Question one - what is the name of One Direction's second album?

-Take Me Home.

-Correct.

Who did the boys perform with in the final of The X Factor?

-Robbie Williams.

-Correct. What is Liam scared of?

-Spoons.

-Correct. "Get out, get out, get out of my..."

-Head.

-Correct. Which member of the band is from Ireland?

-Niall!

-Louis - "I like girls who eat..."

-Carrots.

-Nice one,

-you did it together.

-GONG!

Think it's safe to say the girls know their stuff

when it comes to 1D.

So, it's time to move things on to the next part of the audition,

but first, Barry's going to get the girls ready with

One Direction's pre-gig warm-up routine.

This is how One Direction warm up, Zayn's called it the Shaking Tree.

Obviously we've made this up.

The energy comes from the ground, through your feet,

so you start to move your feet.

-Feel it at your knees.

-Yep, so a nice bit of yoga to kick things off.

Let's purse our lips and suck in strong.

Ooh, and this looks like a bit of meditation.

And now, on a note - oooh!

Oh, and now we're back with the yoga tree again.

LAUGHTER

-SAM: What, canoeing? Who thinks of this stuff?

-We do, mate.

-Oh, yeah.

And of course, some One Direction dancing.

How the girls think this is a One Direction warm-up I don't know,

but they seem to be buying it, so let's crank things up a notch.

It's time for the screen test.

This is your audition to present on TV1D.

Are you ready? Three, two...

Hello, and welcome to TV1D.

-The channel that takes you in one direction.

-Straight to Niall...

-Liam...

-..Harry...

-..Louis...

-..and Zayn.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

INCORRECT BUZZER

SAM: Not the strongest of starts,

so let's try it in some different voices.

Can you go lower? Like, actually really low. And you go higher.

-HIGH PITCHED:

-Hello, and welcome to TV1D!

DEEP VOICE: The channel that takes you in one direction.

This time, let's do it with a rap.

# Hello and welcome to TV1D

# The channel that takes you in one direction

-# Straight to Niall...

-Liam...

-..Harry...

-..Louis...

-..and Zayn.

BOTH: # One Direction, TV perfection. #

Can you do an American accent?

-Hello, and welcome to TV1D!

-That's a no, then.

One direction!

BOTH: One Direction, TV perfection!

Think that's supposed to be Australian.

-Robots!

-Hello. And. Welcome. To TV1D.

Aliens.

MUFFLED: The channel that takes you in one direction.

-Straight to Niall...

-Liam...

-..Harry...

-..Louis...

-..and Zayn.

BOTH: One Direction, TV perfection!

Oh, that's amazing.

Megan and Rae actually think they're auditioning for TV1D,

so what I'm going to do now, I'm going to give them a ring

and say that they've actually got the presenting job.

PHONE RINGS

-Well, hang on, this is my boss. Hello.

-Hi, Barry, it's Marcus.

I've been watching some of the auditions

and I think the girls are fantastic.

To be perfectly honest with you,

they're the best we've seen today - well, the best we've seen this week.

That was what I was thinking, can I have a word with them?

-I'll just hand you over.

-OK.

-MEGAN AND RAE: Hello?

-Hi there, how's it going?

-Good, I hope!

-Really enjoyed it.

-Right, so you're big One Direction fans, yeah?

-Yeah.

What songs do you like from One Direction?

BOTH: # Baby, you light up my world like nobody else. #

Yeah, I think you've got what it takes, I'm going

-to give you a shot at the big time.

-OK.

Barry, could you do me a favour and bring them to TV1D HQ, please?

Marcus, that's absolutely fine, we'll see you...

I don't know, as soon as we possibly can.

-Great, it'll definitely be worth it.

-All right, Marcus, thank you.

-The girls just want to say thank you.

-BOTH: Thank you!

-Bye.

-Bye!

-Ciao, bye.

-Oh, my...

-Very, very good, congratulations.

All right, we're going to meet the bosses.

CHA-CHING!

Hyperventilating.

So, it's time to take the girls to TV1D's top-secret HQ.

It's so secret, in fact, they have to wear blindfolds.

Actually, it's not, it's because we've got a huge surprise in store.

All is about to be revealed.

Remember, Megan and Rae think they're here to meet

the channel execs of TV1D.

Hold on a minute, they're not the execs. It's only One Direction!

Remember, the girls have no idea what's going on.

-BARRY:

-One, two, three...

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Oh, my goodness!

You've just been wound up by Sam and Mark.

There's no execs, just us.

-1D...

-THEY WHIMPER

There's no 1DTV, but you can interview us instead if you want.

Megan and Rae have been well and truly Smarked.

There may be no TV1D,

but the girls are going to get something much better.

An interview with the boys themselves.

What I want to know is, what's, like, the most annoying fan,

girlie thing, like screaming in your face, crying?

A girl went to hug Niall and she, like, bagged him in the face.

Hit me with a handbag in the face.

-How did that feel?

-It was nice, lovely leather.

Tell you what's an awkward one, someone asks you a question

while you're waiting to take a picture, and then you kind of...

If you answer, their picture's going to be like...

You have to talk through the smile, it's like...

You've achieved some amazing things over the past two years,

but what was your proudest moment?

One of the proudest moments for us was

when we found out we'd sold out Madison Square Garden.

That was a crazy day actually.

Which country are you

most excited about visiting on your upcoming worldwide tour?

I think it'll be nice to go back to Australia. ALL: Yes.

We've only been there once.

Which artist would you most like to collaborate with?

ALL: Katy Perry!

How do you keep yourself entertained on tour?

-We play a lot of video games.

-We do, yeah.

We also, when it's getting near the end of tour

and the video games have got boring or Louis' snapped them

like he did with that paintball game once...

-Oh, yeah!

-I bought a brand-new game,

had one go, and he pulled it out and snapped it.

LAUGHTER

-To be fair, it was an awful game.

-It was.

If you were each an Avenger, who would you be?

-I'd be

-Iron Man. I'd be Thor.

You are Hulk. You actually are Hulk.

-Who were your musical heroes when you were young?

-Elvis Presley.

-Frank Sinatra.

-Michael Jackson.

-Robbie Williams, Oasis.

-Busted.

I loved Busted when I was younger.

My first phone case, it was a Busted phone case.

If you could pick anyone to be the sixth member of One Direction,

-who would it be?

-Sam or Mark?

Erm, erm...

Mark, I'd choose Mark. Mark's from round by me

actually, so I'm going to have to choose him.

-Yeah, Mark.

-I'll go with Sam.

So, it's been a great day for the girls,

from auditioning for our fake TV1D channel to

actually meeting their heroes.

Could the day have been any more perfect?

-Oh, my God! How did any of this happen?

-Unbelievably happy.

Happiest I'll ever be in my life.

We've just wound Megan and Rae up good and proper.

Back to you, Sam and Mark, in the studio.

-See ya.

-Bye.

CHEERING

Amazing.

So, girls, take us back to that moment when you

took off the blindfolds. What was going through your mind there?

I wanted to make sure they were real,

I wanted to go up and poke them.

For the record, I'm glad you didn't do that!

Could have been a really quick interview.

-"Goodbye."

-I would imagine it was

so surreal getting to interview the biggest boyband in the world?

It was amazing!

I was interviewing them and it was kind of like,

"You're real, you're here.

"This is not a dream, you're real."

Well done, girls, you've been absolutely brilliant.

Absolutely fantastic.

And thank you very much for letting us Smark you. Was it worth it?

-Yeah.

-Definitely.

Lovely stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Megan and Rae!

CHEERING

Yes, all right!

Yes, we are here for our very special Truck Of Luck

-firewalk challenge. It's very exciting.

-It really is.

Before we go any further, please do not try this at home.

Karen is a specially trained firewalker

and is here for our safety.

OK, Karen, talk us through the challenge.

OK, we did a quick debrief beforehand

-and I told you the secret behind it.

-Yes.

We'll not tell everyone about it.

So, I'm going to go first, just to make sure it's safe

and also show you the pace you go at.

And then it'll be your turn.

-Remember the two questions I'll be asking you as well.

-Of course.

OK, there's just one thing we need and that's to cheer and support.

Come on, guys.

-Wow.

-Didn't flinch!

-OK, first one up, here we go.

-Here we go!

-Come on!

-Come on, Sam!

-Are you ready?

-Yeah!

-Show me!

Come on!

Yeaaah-ha-ha!

-Mark, are you ready?

-I am ready!

-Come on, come on, come on.

-Yay!

-Come on, baby!

-How good was that?! Oh, that was wicked.

-Amazing.

-That was really good.

-Fantastic.

Guys, seriously, do not try that at home,

we did have a safety briefing before so it was all very safe.

That was amazing.

So, Karen, I suppose it's over to you now to decide who was the winner.

I have to decide on style and grace, and I have to say...

AUDIENCE: Sam! Mark!

-..it's a draw.

-BOTH: A draw! Yay!

Yes, woo!

OK, so it was a draw, so that means that everybody,

you get yourselves a Wind-Up pick n' mix.

That was brilliant, but it's going to be even better now,

because playing us out, it's the fantastic Loveable Rogues!

-See you.

-Bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAP IN RHYTHM

SONG: "Lovesick"

# I'm lovesick and I'm sick of this love game

# And I'm tired of hearing I'm the one to blame

# Lovesick and I'm sick of this love game

# Tired of hearing I'm the one to blame

# And I'm sick of you telling me to go and get dressed

# As if I'm the man you're here to impress

# I was crumbled like apple pie

# When you left my flat only wearing a goodbye

# In your bag were my Ralph Lauren tops

# On your feet were my brand-new work-out Reeboks

# You turn and smile with them come-to-bed eyes

# But all I could think of was all them pork pies

# You kept on telling me night after night

# Then you just open up after every fight

# Can we go on? Is this something to teach

# To all of the kids that I'm trying to reach?

# "Romance is dead" is what my grandparents preach

# Cos they used to ballroom dance on Brighton beach

-# All you know is the migraine

-Migraine!

-# All you do is give me a migraine

-Migraine!

# I'm sure I'd be happy, it's fine

# At least I'd have more money in the bank

# Lovesick and I'm sick of this love game

# Tired of hearing I'm the one to blame

# And I'm sick of you telling me to go and get dressed

# As if I'm the man you're here to impress

# Lovesick and I'm sick of this love game

# Tired of hearing I'm the one to blame

# Sick of you telling me to go and get dressed

# As if I'm the man you're here to impress

# Some things aren't meant to be, I'm done losing sleep over you and me

# I was dumb, blindfolded, but now I see

# Blessed, we both agree that some things aren't meant to be

# I'm done losing sleep over you and me

# I was dumb, blindfolded, but now I see

# Blessed that we both agree that...

# Lovesick and I'm sick of this love game

# Tired of hearing I'm the one to blame

# Sick of you telling me to go and get dressed

# As if I'm the man you're here to impress

# Lovesick and I'm sick of this love game

# Tired of hearing I'm the one to blame

# Sick of you telling me to go and get dressed

# As if I'm the man you're here to impress

# Lovesick and I'm sick of this love game

# Tired of hearing I'm the one to blame

# Sick of you telling me to go and get dressed

# As if I'm the man you're here to impress

# Lovesick and I'm sick of this love game

# Tired of hearing I'm the one to blame

# Sick of you telling me to go and get dressed

# As if I'm the man

# As if I'm the man

# As if I'm the man

# You're here to impress. #

Blackout. Woo!