Episode 5 Sam & Mark's Big Wind-Up

# Wind me up, put me down

# Start me up and watch me go

# It's easy once you know how it's done

# You can't stop now It's already begun. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your hosts.

They're crazy, they're kooky

and they've washed especially for this evening.

It's Sam and Mark!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How are you doing?

-Bub-bup, bub-bup, bub-bup!

-Come on!

-Yes, yes, yes, yes!

-Oh, yeah, baby!

-Welcome to the weekend!

-Oh!

CHEERING

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, yes.

-Yes, it's Friday.

-We're Sam and Mark.

-So that can mean only one thing...

-Welcome to Countryfile.

-No.

LAUGHTER

-He's winding you up, of course.

-Winding you up.

That's the name of the show. It's written in giant letters.

-Big Friday Wind-Up, people.

-Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Remember the first rule of Big Friday Wind-Up...

BOTH: No-one is safe.

So with that in mind,

let's find out a little more about our lovely studio audience.

-Thanking you.

-Yes, very kind of you, thanks.

So many expectant faces.

You all look absolutely terrified! But I am going to go to you!

Really?

No, it's not, actually. I'm only kidding, because I'm actually

looking for you, Alexis.

HE LAUGHS

-How are you doing, you all right?

-Yeah, thanks.

A little birdie has told us that your mum is a bit embarrassing.

-Is that true?

-Yeah.

-What does she do?

She goes around singing everywhere.

Oh, no! It has been said that she's a bit of a rock chick.

-Is that right? Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Oh!

And so much so, that the family actually bought her

-an electric guitar for Christmas.

-Yeah.

-What happened?

-She doesn't use it at all.

-What?

-You mean THIS electric guitar?

-That one?

-It's a lovely guitar.

-What does she use instead?

-Nothing.

-Nothing?

-She just does air guitar all the time?

-Yeah.

-Oh, Mum!

Where is your mum tonight?

Um, I think... I don't know.

-DAD:

-Conference.

MARK LAUGHS

Alexis, could you imagine if we'd helped to construct

an elaborate ruse and she was actually waiting backstage

ready to embarrass you on national television?

Well, she is!

Please give it up for Rocking Ruth.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

GUITAR ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

-SAM AND MARK:

-Yeah!

Good! She's good.

Wow!

Yeeeah!

Rocking Ruth, I like that. I should give this to its rightful owner.

There you go. You should maybe use that from now on.

Alexis, I probably know the answer to this.

-But what did you think of that performance?

-It was horrific.

There's a word that's not used enough, in that context.

Never mind, Alexis, because you're about to get your own back,

because you need to come with me, and you, Ruth,

you need to get ready, because we're about to play Mum On A Wheel.

Spin that mum and make her squeal. Come on, Sam.

AUDIENCE: Wind up that wheel!

Here we go.

# Let's go round again

# Maybe we'll turn back the hands of time. #

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Where's it stopping?

-Oh!

-Would you believe it?

-Wait there one second.

It's landed on "Foam" - I can't believe it, Ruth!

-Alexis, think of the pocket money!

-We're going to have fun here.

Guys, get ready to foam in three, two, one...foam!

Stop the foaming. How are you feeling, Mum, are you all right?

-I'm a respectable businesswoman!

-MARK LAUGHS

Not only more!

Time for the second spin. Here we go!

# Let's go round again

# Maybe we'll turn back the hands of time. #

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

Ooh, ooh...yeah!

You've landed on "Star", which means, Alexis,

you win this fantastic prize.

It's an MP4 player. Yes! Get in there.

Nice work, very good work, Mum. Good spinning. How are you feeling now?

Father Christmas has got one less present to get.

-Have you had fun, guys?

-Yes.

-Fantastic.

Let's hear it one more time for Alexis and Ruth, everyone.

-Brilliant.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Chimpy's on the loose. Watch out! Have it!'

ROARING

Oh! A-agh!

Agh! A-agh!

THEY ALL SCREAM

THEY ALL SCREAM

Everybody in the Wind-Up audience, give it up for Beth and Kate.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely to see you, girls. You enjoying the show so far?

-BOTH:

-Yeah.

-In unison.

-I've noticed, Kate, it's your birthday today.

-Yeah.

-Happy birthday.

-Hooray!

CHEERING

Now, not so long ago,

-Mark and I set these girls up with our hidden cameras, didn't we?

-Yes.

"Yeah, they did."

Our task was to disguise ourselves as different characters without

you recognising us, in a game we like to call In Yer Face.

-Kate, down Camera Four, say, "Run VT".

-Run VT.

-Another peaceful day in Kingston Upon Thames.

-Until we showed up!

CAR HORN BEEPS

CAR BACKFIRES

Welcome to another round of In Yer Face.

Today, we've wound things up a notch,

because this challenge is quite possibly our toughest yet.

I'm taking Beth...

..and I'm taking Kate.

And they've both been in the Wind-Up studio audience

-so they know all about In Yer Face.

-What? Are we bonkers?

-We just may be.

-The aim of the game is to not get recognised.

And we've got loads of costumes and cunning disguises to help.

Whoever gets away with it the longest is the winner.

But if they uncover our true identity and make a positive ID

right in our faces, it's game over.

OK, let's kick things off with Round One - Lost Clown.

Can these two jokers avoid getting recognised whilst

clowning around in a town? First up, Sam.

OK, Sam, may I just say you look fantastic as a clown? Nice glasses.

-Thanks, mate.

-Here are the rules. You need to be a lost clown.

-You need to ask her for directions to a house of your choosing.

-OK.

What accent will you do?

Clowns are pretty stupid, so I might be from Wolverhampton.

MARK GASPS

How dare you!

(It's exciting!)

-Morning, I don't suppose you know where house number 22 is, do you?

-22?

Yeah. I'm trying to find it here on the map but I can't find it.

-'She's looking. She's so looking.'

-Yeah.

-OK.

-There's 22 on our road.

My glasses are coming off, sorry.

MARK LAUGHS

Cool, thank you very much. Thank you, cheers. Thank you.

Do you want a balloon?

OK, bye. Bye.

-I've dropped my nose!

-She didn't even take a balloon off you!

Ha ha! No, it's a hollow victory.

-Why?

-She didn't take a balloon and you lost your nose.

-Hang on, though.

That should make it better. I lost my nose,

she still didn't recognise me and I offered her a balloon,

-she didn't want one.

-Ridiculous.

So Sam takes an early lead. Next up, Mark.

OK, Mark, it's your turn. How are you feeling?

-A little nervous after your...

-Victory.

-Well...

OK, you know the rules.

I tell you something, if she takes a balloon off you,

I will give you a pat on the back.

Oh, well, there's incentive for you(!).

Here she comes, good luck, she's coming with her dad, mate.

Don't mess it up.

Excuse me, I don't suppose you know where number 22 is, do you?

I'm a bit lost. Do you know 22?

Basically, you go up there.

All right.

Ooh, she's suspicious!

-Say it, say it!

-Sorry.

-Say it.

-Do you know?

-Say it!

Do you want a balloon? Cos I've got loads in my back pocket for you.

-Lovely.

-Thank you.

-Nicely done.

-Thank you, I'll see you.

-Oh!

Thanks very much. I'll need it!

That was risky.

That, my friend, was a close one.

Yeah. I've never been so scared in my entire life.

Why didn't she say it? I could have won on the first round.

It's fine, it's 1-1.

So with the scores one apiece, let's move on to Round Two, Scuba Diver.

Will our lads be able to pass themselves off as deep sea divers

-without making a splash? First up, Scuba Sam.

-Oh, Sam.

-Some, Sam, Sam.

-I look like my dad.

-You do, actually. A lovely 'tache.

OK, here are the rules.

When Beth comes in, you need to strike up a conversation with her.

-OK.

-But you must include the word in the conversation of...

In fact, I'm not going to tell you now,

-I'm going to tell you when Beth comes in.

-Oh, cheeky!

-Right, well, good luck.

-Don't make it a silly word.

HE LAUGHS

G'day, guys. If you need any help with anything, just give as a holler.

The word I want you to get into the conversation is "gravy".

You guys need any help, or are you all gravy?

-Do you have, like, different sizes?

-She has no clue.

-How's that feeling, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? Good.

-Thank you.

-Thanks.

-Oh, man!

That was all gravy, mate!

-2-1, mate.

-Oh, mate.

-You must be so nervous.

-I am so nervous.

-I need to get out of this and you need to get into it.

-Oh, man!

So, Sam leads 2-1. Next to take the plunge, it's Mark.

# 2-1 to me. #

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-2-1 to me. You're nervous, I can tell.

You're so nervous that your glasses are steaming up.

What's your accent going to be?

-DUTCH ACCENT:

-I'll speak like this.

Oh, dear!

-Good luck.

-Hello, there.

-Your word is "moustache".

-You like scuba?

-Yeah.

-You like scuba?

-Yeah.

If you want to check the size of the goggles, you have to put them

on your face and then suck in to make sure they're the right size.

-You get them caught in your moustache.

-He said it, moustache.

Very good, very good.

Breathe in through the nose and it sucks on the face

and then you'll know.

Have you done it? Yes.

"Sucks on the face!"

-Enjoy your holiday.

-Man!

-Yes! Back in the game, methinks.

-Can't believe that.

My favourite bit of that was, "You have to your breathe

"through your nose to suck it on the face."

I thought my moustache was coming off.

You were good, man.

Agh, whoo!

So that's 2-2.

In Yer Face, Round Three. Bird-watcher.

Will Sam and Mark's binoculars leave their targets seeing double?

First up, Sam.

You are a bird-watcher and you're looking for a rare species of bird.

It doesn't matter which one,

but what you do need to do is play on the old bird whistle.

-Yep.

-Best of luck.

-Thanks, mate.

Here she comes, mate.

DUCK CALL ON WHISTLE

Excuse me, just wondering if you could help me.

I'm looking for this rare bird, it's called a hobby.

It reacts to a certain bird call. It's...

DUCK CALL ON WHISTLE

I have a spare whistle if you'd like to help.

-OK, OK, thank you.

-Oh!

-I'll move on somewhere else. Thank you.

DUCK CALL ON WHISTLE

Oh, hold your horses.

She's got you.

'Say it. Say it. Say it!'

Come on. Just say it, say it. Say it. Say it.

DUCK CALL ON WHISTLE

Aw!

APPLAUSE

DUCK CALL

-All right?

-No.

# I am through to the final. #

No, what happened was, she actually said to her mum,

"That's Sam, isn't it?" But she didn't say it to you.

-Exactly.

-Look at your 'tache! It's awful.

Absolutely fan-'tache-tic.

3-2 to Sam, can Mark level it up?

Mark, this is the big one for you.

-I'm already through to the final.

-Game on, bring it.

Here they come, dude. Good luck.

DUCK CALL ON WHISTLE

She's laughing already.

Hello there. I wonder if you could help me.

I'm looking for a rather rare bird in this neck of the woods,

it's called a dipper. I don't know whether you've seen it, at all?

Say it, come on, say it.

Well, it's a rather interesting call that they... Look.

RHYTHMIC CALL

-She's just laughing at you.

-Would you like a go?

-I've got a spare one here if you'd like one.

-Thank you.

-Say it, say it!

I think you're supposed to go...

BOTH BLOW BIRD CALLS

Yes, yes. Not too bad.

-Ooh, hang about.

-Do I? That's interesting.

Say it, actually say it!

-Well, it's lovely to meet you.

-Don't you get out of this!

-What, sorry?

-Surely, come on.

-Good-looking chap, yes?

-He's all right.

-Ha ha! A-ha, in your face!

-OK, you win.

Me and Sam, I should say, have been playing a little game

called In Yer Face.

I had you and Sam had Beth and you'll never guess what.

-Oh, did I pick you?

-Yes, exactly.

-Here he is.

-Hello. You all right?

-It's you two!

-Yeah!

-You've rumbled us completely because I've lost and he's won.

-Hooray!

He's won. Oh, man.

So, Sam's the winner, but is he feeling lucky?

Let's find out. Round Four, Lucky Dip.

-# So I'm in the final. #

-Yes, yes.

# You didn't make it to the final. #

-All right, all right.

-I've won.

-Yes, OK.

-Let's see how far we can take it.

-OK.

Because this, my friend, is called The Big Friday Wind-Up Lucky Dip.

-Ah, my eyes!

-I know. What you need to do is put your hand in here

-and that is the only disguise you'll get.

-OK.

All right? So put your hand in. Have a look.

-Glasses.

-Oh, brilliant.

-Wow.

-Look at that. Put them on.

-That really isn't a very good disguise.

-You look like Clark Kent.

Basically, what you've got to do is go over there

and sit on that wall next to Beth.

-I can enjoy this, because I've already won it.

-Shut up.

-I'll enjoy it. See you later.

-Out the car.

-Enjoy yourself.

-I will.

-I'm the winner, see you later.

'You've only got your glasses to disguise you. Ha-ha-ha!

'Go on, sit down by her. she's looking straight at you.'

'She's smiling! She's smiling, she's pointing.'

MARK CHUCKLES

Excuse me? You're Sam.

How are you doing? Nice to see you. You all right?

We've been playing a game with you called In Yer Face.

-I know you've seen it before.

-Yeah.

-And Mark was playing with Kate, come on in, guys.

-How you doing? Hello.

Do you remember earlier this morning you went into a scuba shop.

-Was that you?

-That was me!

-I didn't...

-Did you have no clue?

-No, no!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Victory for me. Mark, you are rubbish at this.

I'm just too well-known for my own good.

-OK, guys, have you had a good time? BOTH:

-Yeah.

Excellent. You've been great sports. Give it up for Beth and Kate!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And happy birthday, again.

But the surprises don't stop there. No, no, no.

-Ah, Lucy!

-You've got no idea why you're here, do you?

-Absolutely no idea whatsoever.

-OK, well, let's fill you in.

-It's actually something to do with your

-dad. I knew it.

LAUGHTER

Now, a little birdie has told us that you find him pretty embarrassing.

-Is that true?

-Yes.

-Really?

What kind of things does he do that embarrasses you, then?

Well, erm, he does this action

in super...in shopping markets, especially.

Oh, really? What does he do?

Ohh!

You mean, like, he tries to be "street?"

Yeah, and he says, like, "Loser!

"Whatever, major loser!" Things like that.

"Whatever, major loser"?!

-I've never heard of such things.

-That's pretty embarrassing.

And also, another little birdie has told us that your dad

is a fan of CBBC and he's a fan of a particular character on CBBC.

-Who might that be?

-Hacker T Dog.

-Oh, we love Hacker, don't we?

Love Hacker.

-Legend.

-Yeah. How much does your dad like Hacker?

-Ten!

-Ten! Two hands' worth.

-He likes him ten.

Well, we've actually got a little picture of your dad,

-proving how much he loves Hacker. Look at that.

-Aww.

-Picture on the fridge?

-Love that.

And would you say, I mean, would...

She's...!

-She's gone.

-Do you think your dad would like to meet Hacker?

-Erm, yes.

-Yeah, I bet he would.

-Lucy, where's your dad today?

Well, I think he's supposed to be in Birmingham, on a work trip.

That is a shame, actually,

cos he's missed out on the chance to meet his TV hero,

because ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for Hacker T Dog.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, cocker!

Get amongst it! Milky brews and meat paste for everyone!

LUCY SCREAMS AND LAUGHS

It's Hacker, everybody. Hiya, Hacker, you all right? Nice to see you.

-Hello, mate, you all right?

-It's Hacker, wa-a-ay!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, I think it's safe to say that we all know

that this isn't actually Hacker T Dog, is it?

It's Lucy's dad, Rob, everyone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Lucy, on a scale of one to ten,

how embarrassing is your dad right now?

Erm, unbelievably,

and I'm never, ever going to forgive him for doing this.

Please follow us, because we are about to play Daddy Cool.

Come on over.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, Rob, we are going to test your knowledge of all things street.

Mark and I will give you a word or phrase

that's popular with young people of today,

and you must translate that into Standard Queen's English. Understood?

-Yes.

-Excellent.

-Yeah, Sam, there's a bit of a problem.

-What?

Someone's stolen the quiz cards!

AUDIENCE: Oo-ooh!

But what kind of sick and twisted being would do such a thing?

Y'all right, cockers?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, that was worth the entrance fee, weren't it?

Well, I suppose, seeing as you're here,

you may as well meet your number one fan. Rob, meet Hacker.

-Hacker, meet Rob.

-Y'all right, Rob?

-Yeah, get amongst it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How's it going, me homey?

-Brilliant!

Oh, Hacker, what do you think of Rob's street talk?

Well, it's a little bit weird, if I'm honest, in't it, cockers?

-I feel for you, Lucy, I really, really do.

-Thank you, Hacker.

Seeing as though you're here, you might as well do the quiz.

-You might as well be quiz master.

-I'm trapped in this bin, aren't I?

-I might as well do summat.

-OK, so you're going to say the phrases

and Rob is going to translate them.

Lucy, you can help him out, as well, that's fine.

And remember, you've got everything to play for, because we've got

a load of amazing prizes up for grabs, hand-picked by Hacker himself.

AUDIENCE: Oo-ooh!

-Some of 'em are from the Pound Shop.

-Don't tell 'em that!

-OK, guys, are you ready?

-Yes.

-Excellent.

Hacker, can you give us the first phrase, please?

Course, I can, Sam or Mark.

Sam and Mark, you are well sick, innit?

Interesting, so what does Hacker mean?

Does he think Mark and I are,

A, really cool,

B, a pair of fools,

or C, a bit poorly?

What d'you reckon, guys? A, B or C?

-We think it's, you say...

-A.

You're saying A, really cool? Hacker, what's the answer.

You are correct!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, so that means you have won yourselves a prize.

Let's see what it is.

'Remove old and discoloured grout from your bathroom tiles

'with this portable soft-grip grouting rake.'

That was me, that.

Well, everybody needs a grouting rake.

-What d'you think, yeah?

-Yeah, good.

-Top prize.

I'm from Wigan!

All right, let's see if you can win anything better this time.

-Off you go, Hacker.

-I love dis Wind Up show.

It's bare jokes, innit? You know what I'm saying, though, innit?

Isn't it?! ISN'T IT?!

ANSWER ME!

So, angry Hacker thinks Wind Up is "bare jokes".

Does that mean he thinks it's A, very funny,

B, not very funny

-or C, a bit rude?

-What d'you reckon, guys?

-This is for the star prize.

-What's th'answer?

LAUGHTER

What do you think, audience?

AUDIENCE: A!

-HOOTER BLOWS

-A?

A, OK. Going for A, very funny.

Er, I'm afraid that...

THAT'S CORRECT!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! Bare means "very" and jokes means "funny."

It's not about rude jokes.

"Ooh, stop it, madam! Yes, no, missus, no, yes!"

LAUGHTER

Congratulations, guys.

That means you've won today's star prize, and here it is.

'Here's a tablet you won't find hard to swallow.

'It's not a tablet as in medication, cocker,

'it's one of them digital tablet things. You'll figure it out.

'T'instructions are going to be with it.'

-Cheers, cocker.

-Nice one, fantastic.

-Are you happy with that, guys?

-Yes.

-Fantastic, you've done really well.

You've been fantastic sports. Lucy, was it worth all the embarrassment?

-Yes.

-What are you going to say to your dad when you get him home?

-Never do this again.

-What was it like meeting your number one fan?

A little bit strange. You need to get out more, Rob, if I'm honest.

We are struggling for guests

for series three of Hacker Time, so I didn't shout.

Everybody give it up for Lucy, Rob and Hacker!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Wind Up.

-It's where it's at.

You know what, I think nobody should watch. I have no interest, at all.

We're kind of a big deal.

I've heard they write their own stuff. You can tell.

Everybody knows us.

We think they're great, their cheeky smiles and the Geordie accents.

No, mate, that's Ant and Dec.

-100% primetime Sam and Mark.

-Yeah!

We'll see you next time,

but before we go, playing us out, it's A*M*E. Take it away.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Play The Game, Boy" by A*M*E

# I came to bring the heat, so hot

# Girls keep on watching me, so what?

# I'm going to dance until the break of dawn

# And feel the rhythm as the beat goes on

# I came to rock it out, that's right

# Tonight, I'm going wild Let's fight

# I'm going to dance until the break of dawn

# And feel the rhythm as the beat goes on

# You can't stop me now or hold me down

# I'm calling you out

# Baby, I'm calling

# You can't stop me now or hold me down

# I'm calling you out I'm calling

# Play the game Play the game, game

# Play the game Play the game

# Play the game Play the game, game

# Play the game Play the game

# Play the game Play the game, game

# Play the game Play the game

# Play the game Play the game, game

-# Play the game, boy

-Play the game, boy

# Boy, I came here just to have a good time

# Standing in the corner trying to toy with my mind

# Hitting hard moves Getting rude on the dance floor

# Talking to the DJ Asking him for more, more

# More, more

# More, more, dance all night You can meet me on the floor

# If you want to take a shot Better show me what you got

# Now you're the toy Go ahead and play the game, boy

# Ha, go ahead and play the game, boy

# Play the game Play the game, game

-# Play the game

-I'm calling

-# Play the game

-Baby, I'm calling

# Ha, play the game, boy. #