Joe Swash Sam & Mark's Weekend Wind-Down

-Wahey!

-Hey, you, and you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Aw.

-All right, how you doing?

I tell you what, we wound up the week.

And it's now time to wind down the weekend.

-Welcome to our very exclusive VIP Wind-Up zone...

-Look at this.

-"Wind-Down zone," I should say.

-Absolutely, it's brilliant.

-We've got a brilliant telly, look at that.

-Look at that,

that's at least 53-inch...

-Absolutely huge.

-..at least. At least.

Oh, look who we got over there, it's Joe Swash. All right, mate?

-Hey! Hello.

-Hey.

Over here we've got Isabelle - the winner of Mark Vs...

-How you doing?

-Yeah.

-All right, all right.

-Got a trophy.

-Got a trophy.

-Rubbing it in me face.

We've got Blake and Rowan from In Yer House. You all right, lads?

-BOTH:

-Yeah.

-And I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

-What? What?

..but who on Earth is that man out there?

MARK SCOFFS, LAUGHTER

It's not even a real dumbbell. Off you go, come on.

What are you doing?! Get out of the way, get out of the way.

He's going the other way to what my hand's going.

That's fine. You do what you like, mate.

-What a lovely location, in the heart of Salford.

-It's brilliant.

There's Bolton Wanderers' football ground.

No, it's Old Trafford. Man Utd.

Over here, we've got families over here. How you doing, families?

Bring it in! Bring it in!

Oh, excellent. Excellent.

OK, now, if you didn't see Big Friday Wind-Up,

here it is in a 30-second recap.

We started off the show with some Irish dancing. Why not?

As you do. We put on some silly red wigs

and we surprised Molly and her mum, Emma.

-Who's behind there?

-Give us a kiss!

-LAUGHTER

-It's the real Joe Swash!

Give him a kiss! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Anna's mum, Karen, did the world's worst Elvis impression...

# You ain't nothin' but a hound dog...all the time.

# You ain't nothin' but a hound dog

# Crying all the time. #

Joey slapped a fish on Mark's face.

And a millipede was in me mouth, as well.

Yeah, and we played Splat In A Box. It was all good. That was it.

So there you have it, that was Wind-Up round-up.

Mark, sum that up using one facial expression, please.

-Meh!

-LAUGHTER

Come over here. Let's see what's over here.

It's Joe Swash. Hello, mate.

APPLAUSE Come here.

-Let's have a smell.

-Oh, come on.

-Smells good.

-He smells good, he's got the fish off his face.

Unbelievable. How are you, Joe, mate?

I'm all right. I've really had a good day today.

-I'm glad YOU have(!)

-Thank you for being here.

-We love having you on the show

-You know what?

I love being here, and my little boy,

who's eight, he's a massive fan of the show,

so I've been going around stealing things...

LAUGHTER

..to take them home to him later.

-He's called Harry, isn't he?

-Little Harry, yeah.

Harry, aw, thanks for being a fan of the show, Harry.

-Good lad.

-That's such a cool dad, right there.

Now, Joe, you enjoyed slapping that fish on Mark's face a little

-too much earlier.

-I loved doing that, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I go through stuff like that quite a lot,

so to be able to do it to someone else...

-I got great pleasure from that.

-Yeah, great satisfaction(!)

The noise it made - it went, "Pleh!"

-A nice slap, yeah.

-Unbelievable.

-Now, Joe, we've not quite finished with you yet.

-OK.

We've got a little general knowledge quiz for you.

Oh, I can smash this.

-OK, I like it.

-Well, all right - nice confidence.

Let's see if you smash it without using vowels in the answers.

Oh...

-Best of luck, Joe. Question number one...

-I'll struggle...

What is your name? No vowels.

J...

Yes, and on the second name?

Swsh.

-Yes! It's good.

-It's very French.

-Well done.

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Joe Swoos.

What colour is grass?

-Gry?

-Grey?!

You sound like him.

There's an N in it.

-Green?

-There's two Es in that.

-We'll give you that.

-That's got vowels in it.

-Gin... Grn?

-Yeah, we'll give you that.

-Well done.

-We'll give you that.

-What are our names?

Sm.

-HE HACKS:

-Ach!

Sm.

-Somebody get him a towel.

-Mackh, Mackh.

-No, that's good.

-We'll give him that.

We'll give him that. Nice one.

What country is Neighbours set in?

Uzela?

Usalia? Usalia?

-No?

-No, no, cos that starts with a vowel.

Austra... Austray...

It's Strl.

-What is it? BOTH:

-Strl.

Take the A and U out.

-OK, which singer sang Chasing Pavements?

-Uh...

-Dl?

-THEY CHEER

That's good, that. You're getting good at this.

Who is the British prime minister?

Dv! Dvd? Dvd?

-Yes. Yeah,

-Dvd. Cmrn?

-We'll give you that.

-I'm smashing this.

David Cameron, but it's close.

What? It's David Cameron?

-Yeah.

-You said it right, you said it right.

-I said it right, I took the vowels out.

-Without saying the actual name.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

What is the capital of Ethiopia?

Have a wild guess. You never know, you might get it right.

-I think I know this, as well.

-Do ya?!

No.

-Move on!

-Go on...

-Tanzania? No, that's not it, is it?

-It was Dds Bb.

-So what was it, really?

-ANNOUNCER:

-'Addis Ababa.'

A dentist asks you to open your mouth and say what?

Uhhh.

-We'll go with that. We'll go with that.

-Was that all right?

That's the end of the quiz. Let's end on, "Deeegghh."

-Deeegghh.

-Deeegghh.

If you've just tuned in, Joe's not gone crazy - just so you know.

He's not allowed to use vowels.

-Well done, mate. Excellent.

-Thank you, ever so much.

-Nice one.

-Lovely to have you here.

-Thanks, fellas.

We'll see you in a little bit. Round of applause!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here they are. All right?

Earlier, on Big Friday Wind-Up, we found out about Emma

- your obsession for red-headed men, Joe Swash in particular.

-Yes.

-Just over there.

-He is.

-MARK SQUEALS

Don't look at him. But, Molly, we didn't talk about your obsession

of all things...stationary.

Interesting. Well, what's your favourite piece of stationary?

-Good question.

-Erm...laminators.

-BOTH:

-Laminators?!

-Well, that's lucky, isn't it?

-There's one right there.

Just explain - what is a laminator? What does it do?

Erm, like, so you get a picture, and you put a sheet over it,

and it makes it all nice and perfect.

-It puts plastic sheets on it?

-Yeah.

So it's wipe-clean. Good for recipes, Mark.

I'm loving the passion.

I'm loving the passion. OK.

Now due to your love of stationary - all things stationary -

we've devised a challenge just for you.

Here's how it's going to work...

Do you want to say the name of it, Mark?

-Yeah, it's called punching kittens.

-LAUGHTER

Now don't be alarmed. Don't be alarmed.

These are Mark's favourite pictures of his favourite kittens.

-You've got loads of them, haven't you, mate?

-Loads,

but they're all in disarray.

I need you to organise them and stick them in me ring binder.

-Sound like something you could do?

-Yeah.

-Is that all right?

It's a nice ring binder you bought, by the way.

What?

So here's what's going to happen...

Molly, you are going to punch holes in those pictures of the kitten.

You're going to then pass them to your mum.

Emma, you need to put them into Mark's ring binder.

If you manage to get eight in the ring binder, you will win a prize.

-Understood?

-Got it.

-Excellent.

-We didn't tell them the kicker, did we?

-No.

-You've got to wear boxing gloves.

-Yeah, you have, that's true, yeah.

-There you go, they're yours. They're yours.

-Oh, stick them on.

-Get 'em on.

We should have told you before. It's going to take ages.

-It is.

-Go on.

-Here you go.

-Stick that on.

-Get them on.

-Oh, that's wrong.

-There you go.

They're two left hands.

Yeah, yeah - we meant it to be two left hands.

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah, yeah...

-It's a challenge!

-It's a challenge.

-Yeah, and have you got two right? Yeah, that's correct.

Exactly what we wanted, yes.

All right. Your time starts...

-SHE YELPS, WHISTLE BLOWS

-Now!

-Go!

-Get on it.

-I can't even pick it...

-She can't even pick it up.

Get 'em in there. That side, that side.

It's this, though.

-You can do it!

-There you go, that's it.

Now get it in there, Mum.

Can you put that one in first? I like him.

Wow, you're doing horribly.

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Come on, you can do it!

SAM WHOOPS, AUDIENCE CHEERS

This is teamwork, guys.

This is teamwork.

-You done it?

-Wow, you're doing a horrible job.

-It's horrible.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

-You're not punching...

-Would you stop punching me kittens?!

Come on, you can do it, you can do it.

-MAN:

-Come on, Molly!

That is good hole-punching,

that it is. That's good.

That one, that one.

You've not got long left, guys. Keep going.

-MAN:

-Come on, Molly!

-Two, one...

-KLAXON SOUNDS

-..stop cooking!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Wrong show, wrong show.

All right. Excellent, excellent. Good teamwork.

I wouldn't cheer too much, you ain't see this yet.

I'm surprised you got any, to be fair.

-I know.

-OK...we asked you for eight.

-Whoa!

-What?

-Close it up.

-OK, sorry.

-There we go.

-Sorry.

-Yeah, and clip them in. Thanks.

-Thank you.

Now they're safe.

OK, we've got one...

two. Horrible job.

But, I've got to say, I liked your passion.

-You don't win, but we are going to give you a consolation prize.

-Yeah.

And that consolation prize is...

you get to laminate

mine and Sam's faces for the rest of the show.

-That all right?

-Thank you.

-Fantastic - everyone's a winner.

Hear it for Emma and Mum, everyone. Give it up.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-It's now time for this...

Playing tonight, we have Joe Swash and Isabelle.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Got a trophy, man.

-You all right, guys?

-Yep.

-Still got a trophy. Still got a trophy.

All right, rub it in, why don't you. All right. OK. Now...

Before the show, we asked our Big Friday Wind-up audience

-which celebrity they think they look like.

-Right.

We're going to show you a clip of our audience members saying who they

think they look like, but we're going to stop it just before they say who.

-We want you to write down who YOU think they look like.

-OK.

If it's right, then you'll win a point.

-Am I playing against her?

-Yes.

-You are playing against her,

-so no cheating. No cheating, OK?

-All right? OK.

-I'm going to win.

-Yeah.

-First audience member...

tell us who you think you look like.

I often get told I look like...

-SAM LAUGHS

-Oh, Joe's right on there.

-Tough one, that.

-I don't know if...

-Have a think, Isabelle.

Write down an answer.

Who do you think he looks like? Have a write down.

-All right, I know it.

-You've got someone already?

-I've got someone, yeah.

-Go on, write down an answer, you never know.

Anybody. Anybody.

PARP NOISES

-Don't know.

-Let's go with Joe.

-OK.

-Let's see what Joe's gone with.

I've gone for Rodney from Only Fools And Horses.

-He did look like Rodney!

-Nicholas Lyndhurst.

-You've not managed to write anything down, Isabelle...

-No.

..but do you want to take a guess? You might get it right.

Name a celebrity.

-No? No idea?

-All right, let's have a look...

I often get told I look like...

Daniel Craig.

LAUGHTER

-You were close with Rodney(!)

-Yeah, I'd give that an...

And Sam often gets told he looks like Brad Pitt(!)

-LAUGHTER

-That's about right, isn't it?(!)

I don't really. OK, right, time for another one.

Time for the next audience member...

I often get told I look like...

Ooh, difficult one.

-Write down an answer.

-Who do you think he looks like?

I'm confused.

-Somebody famous.

-Anyone.

-Anyone famous. Who do you reckon?

-Someone famous.

-Any football players?

-Any of these two?

-Anybody from CBBC?

-JOE GASPS

-Oh, I know who that is!

-Oh, he's changed his mind!

-But I don't know who...

-I don't know what his name is.

-OK.

-I probably do, but...

He's Hacker's mate.

Oh, she knows the name! It's not Hacker.

OK. All right. You're writing one down? Let's have a look.

Audience member, who do you think you look like?

I often get told I look like...

Peter Andre.

Oh, how we meant to get these?

-What did you say?

-I thought Rooney, then I thought... Peter Andre?!

-And what did you say?

-Dodge T. Dog.

-Dodge T. Dog. Aw...

I like your answer better.

All right, we haven't got a lot of time left,

-but thank you for playing the game.

-Yep, thank you.

I don't know who won. I don't think anybody did, because who...? Who?

I think we all did. In the name of entertainment, that was -

especially the Daniel Craig guy.

Joe, Isabelle, thank you, ever so much.

-It's been lovely.

-Our pleasure.

-Yep, and you.

Give it up for Joe and Isabelle. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is it. Thank you ever so much for watching.

-It's been good fun, hasn't it?

-It's been brilliant.

Thanks for everybody that's been on - Joe, Isabelle,

everybody else. It's been brilliant,

but it's now time to end the show, and do you remember Karen,

who did that brilliant/awful impression of Elvis?

-Yes, I do, I do.

-Well, she's singing us out...

-Oh, no.

-JOE CHEERS

-..with another classic.

-Did One Direction cancel on us?

-Yeah, Louis is not very well,

so he didn't turn up,

but here's Karen and her family singing another Elvis classic...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# When no-one else can understand me... #

DOG HOWLS

# When everything I do is wrong

# You give me hope and consolation

# You give me strength to carry on

# And you're always there to lend a hand

# In everything I do

# That's the wonder... #

-Dance, everybody. Woo!

-Come on, everyone.

# The wonder of you.

# When you smile, the world is brighter

# You touch my hand and I'm a king

# Ah-ah-ah-aaah

# Your kiss to me is worth a fortune

# Ah-ah-ah-aaah

# Your love for me is everything. #

DOGS BARK LOUDLY

# And you're always there to lend a hand

# In everything I do

# That's the wonder... #

-Come on, everyone!

-Here we go.

# The wonder of you. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Well done, guys.

-Yeah!

DOG HOWLS