Episode 1 School of Silence

Welcome to the School Of Silence.

This is where noisy children are sent to prove they can keep quiet.

SHRIEKING

We're about to meet four new arrivals.

Can they keep quiet for one day? I doubt it!

BANG!

TAP! TAP! TAP!

BELL RINGS

CHEERING AND SHOUTING

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes

to prove they can be silent, followed by the Final Exam

to determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If I think the pupils stayed quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they will bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

If I think they are being too noisy...

GIGGLING

HE SHRIEKS

..they will get nothing and I WILL know about it thanks to this device,

the Gobstop 3000, the very latest in noise monitoring technology.

If they pass the Final Exam, they take all the prizes they have banked

and receive the ultimate reward, the Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep THAT shut,

I will have no choice but to expel them

and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

Today's pupils come from Liverpool

and are having their noisy levels monitored

by our beloved headmistress Miss Gobstop and form tutor Mr Gross.

YOU! Step forward. Name?

Argh! HARRY-YY-Y!

Howling Harry heard a chimpanzee blow a raspberry at the zoo once.

His worst habit is that he never stops talking. Harry, not the chimp!

You! name?

ANNA!

Squealing Anna says the sound of snoring makes her laugh,

which is why she hasn't had a wink of sleep in five years.

You, step forward. Name?

ABBIE.

Noisy Abbie's alarm clock once went off in the middle of the night

waking all her neighbours. They all saw the funny side, not.

-You, name?

-CAMERON.

Cackling Cameron bangs the drums and rocks his guitar in his spare time,

which is why his dad sends him to bed when he gets home from school.

Yeah, rock on, Dad.

Blimey. Let's get rid of them.

Get out. Get them out!

THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT

It's time for Class 1, General Studies with Mr Gross.

This revolting chap is the school's most disgusting teacher. Ugh!

Goodness only knows what he has in store for today's noisy pupils

in their first silent test.

Ah!

THE PUPILS SHOUT

THEY BANG ON THE DOOR

Come in.

THEY SHOUT

Come in, come in. Hurry up.

Don't slam the door!

THEY LAUGH

It smells like something died.

Children don't leave me apples.

-Do you know why you're here?

-To annoy you.

You are here in the School Of Silence because you are noisy.

You cannot keep quiet. That's why you're here, to learn to be silent.

I don't think you can do it. You'll go home with nothing.

-No.

-Stop nattering!

Miss Gobstop is listening at all times

on your fluffy little microphones.

-Do you think you can pass the test in the School Of Silence?

-Probably.

Do you know what? I think probably not.

Probably not.

That's it. Time for your first silent test.

OK, I'm looking forward to this.

This test is all about insects.

Put your hands in here.

As soon as the test starts, you must be silent throughout. Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Good.

Your silent test starts now.

In this test, Mr Gross has four boxes of creepy-crawlies.

Can the pupils keep quiet when he pours the bugs all over them?

It's the first box. And it's mealworms!

They're probably called that cos Mr Gross has them for dinner.

Agh!

Ugh!

A definite noise from Anna. Will it be too loud for Miss Gobstop?

Time for Abbie to meet Mr Gross's wriggly friends.

Actually, they're his only friends!

Oh, great work.

How will they do with box number two?

Uh-oh, it's maggot time. Will that make the team squeal?

Those silent reactions will please Miss Gobstop

but can they keep it up?

Oh!

A bit of noise from Squealing Anna. Was it too loud for Miss Gobstop?

SHE SHRIEKS

Oh, squeals there and no mistaking.

With two boxes still to go, they've got it all to play for.

They have to keep silent if they want to bank that prize.

Here's box number three, crunchy beetles!

Oh, Anna doesn't like what she sees.

She's not a beetles fan. How will Abbie cope?

Silent screaming. Impressive.

These new pupils are proving they can keep quiet.

Miss Gobstop is over the moon.

It's the final box.

Oh, no, crickets! Mr Gross pulling out all the stops.

Here it comes. Will the crickets bowl them over?

SHE SQUEAKS

Lovely textbook silence there from Anna but will Miss Gobstop agree?

So, your silent test is over.

THEY CHEER AND GIGGLE

-Is that a relief?

-ALL:

-Yes.

I don't know what's wrong with you. I enjoy bugs.

Aren't they delightful? They are friendly

but not the cleanest creatures in the world so do wash your hands.

But were you silent? There's only one person who knows,

Miss Gobstop.

She will tell us whether you've been silent and passed

or whether you've been noisy and failed.

-Personally, I hope it's the latter.

-Attention, attention.

This is Miss Gobstop.

'Cameron, Harry,

'sniggering at the misfortunes of your fellow team-mates?'

-Oh!

-THEY CHUCKLE

'Anna, you squealed, squeaked, gasped even.'

SHE SQUEAKS

'You tried very hard.

'Abbie, not a peep.

'But remember, don't play with your food! Not even mealworms.'

Time for the all-important results. Have the team banked a prize?

Class...

..passed!

THEY CHEER

Unbelievable. I can't abide children who get the better of me.

Don't get the better of me any more. Get out of my class instead.

THEY WHOOP

Yes, I'll tell you what, I'm glad to see the back of you.

We passed Mr Gross's test!

We put our hands in boxes and Mr Gross poured bugs on us.

It was disgusting.

Miss Gobstop said that Cameron and Harry giggled the whole way through.

But Abbie kept quiet.

-And you kept gulping.

-Well!

We're going to keep quiet this time because...

-ALL:

-We want to win! Woo!

'Attention, attention.

'A reminder that this evening's silent disco

'commences at 1600 hours.'

Everybody in the house say, "Ssh!"

On to Class 2, Geography with Miss Adventure.

She's tiny but she has the heart of a Tyrannosaurus Rex -

which she should probably give back.

Can our pupils bank another prize in her class?

Come in, young roamers. Come in. Welcome, welcome.

Sit down.

It's OK, Kylie. Welcome, young roamers, to my geography class.

I'm Miss Adventure. Welcome.

-You passed your test in Mr Gross's class, didn't you?

-Yes.

-Down to these two, wasn't it, Harry?

-Not yous two.

-You were laughing.

How do you think you'll do in my silent test?

-How will you do?

-Not very good.

-Not very good?

-Looks like I'm going to win this.

-Why have you got plastic animals?

They're interpretations of all the animals I've seen in my travels.

For example, this is a rather large goldfish. You can hold it.

One for you. Here you go. That's lovely.

We'll see whether or not you can keep this shut.

Remember Miss Gobstop's listening on your furry mic.

THEY GIGGLE

No!

If you're silent, you might win a prize. If you're noisy,

you go away with nothing. Going to pass?

THEY SHOUT

We'll find out, shall we?

-Yes, we shall.

-Yes!

Every explorer needs to be lucky and silent.

-Ssh!

-This is my sister.

-ALL:

-Hi.

We're going to see which of you is luckiest.

You're going to pull out one of these pegs.

If there's red on the bottom, you get a custard pie in the face.

Remember, you must do this in complete silence.

Harry, Cameron, you're up first. Positions, please.

Now, your silence test begins...

now.

So, four custard pies - but who's going to get the first one?

Ooh, lucky boy.

Cameron next.

Another lucky peg.

Good silence all round.

They're doing great so far.

Oh!

THEY SNIGGER

A few giggles there. Let's see that again.

Bosh!

Pie square in the face.

Anna's in the hot seat now.

Silent celebration, Miss Gobstop's favourite type.

The heat is on Anna.

And the nerves are showing.

SHE SIGHS IN RELIEF

Can Cameron's luck last?

No! Ho-ho.

Here it is again. Bam!

Can Abbie hold out against Anna?

No, she can't.

Let's see that again.

Oh, lovely!

And Miss Gobstop agrees.

Just Anna left now. When will her luck run out?

And there it is.

Oh, beautiful silent work from Anna.

But will it be enough to bank another prize?

Your silence test is over!

THEY CHEER

-How do you think you did? Cameron?

-We did cool.

-I see!

It doesn't matter what you or I or my sister thinks.

It's all about Miss Gobstop. Let's find out.

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

Anna, no more squeaking. Now you're gasping.

SHE SIGHS IN RELIEF

Abbie, still no peep out of you. Impressive.

Harry, your self-control is improving.

Cameron, did I detect a chuckle or two?

But were you quiet enough? Class...

Here's the result. Is it a prize for our plucky Liverpudlians?

Passed!

THEY CHEER

Oh, no!

I tried my best but you passed.

I've had enough. Go on, get out!

Get out of my class.

THEY CHEER

We passed! Woo!

Miss Gobstop said we all need to improve a little bit.

It was fun and I hope we do better in the next game.

I think we're going to pass the final exam.

THEY CHEER

Great stuff. Meanwhile in the school hamster's cage...

And that's how I discovered gravity. Bang!

You're always in there going round and round really quietly.

You know what you are, don't you?

Teacher's pet. Ha-ha! Teacher's pet. Bang!

Thanks for that, Hammy. Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for Mr Les Prance,

teacher of the performing arts.

He can sing, dance and act in silence

but will this cast of new pupils keep quiet?

Our noisy pupils from Liverpool have banked two prizes so far.

Can they make it three in a row?

-THEY KNOCK

-Come in, come in.

Hello, Mr Prance.

-Sit down, sit down. Ssh!

-What are you doing?

-Is this drama?

-Thank you.

See, the art of balancing.

-Now...

-Cheater!

I am, as you know, Mr Les Prance, teacher of the performing arts.

-The performing arts.

-And as you see...

As you see.

Are you going to repeat everything I say?

Are you repeating everything I say?

-We are...

-We are.

-A bunch of...

-A bunch of.

-Losers.

You are a bunch of losers!

Remember, Miss Gobstop will decide at the end of the test

-whether you have passed or failed.

-Yes!

We shall see how you do

because your silence test is about to commence.

Mm!

-You look nice.

-Thank you very much.

As a great performer, you must possess great physical coordination.

In pairs joined at the ankle, you must repeat every move I do.

-Also, remain completely and utterly silent.

-Silent!

Your silence test has begun. Action!

Mr Prance puts the pupils through a three-stage exercise routine.

Can they remain silent?

Stage one, warm-ups.

They seem to be doing well so far.

Let's see how they cope with stage two - the hoop.

THE GIRLS SNIGGER

SHE CHUCKLES

Well, Abbie and Anna are down and HOOP-ing with laughter.

That seems to have got Miss Gobstop's attention.

Final stage now, exercise balls.

ANNA CHUCKLES

CAMERON SNIGGERS

Giggling from Anna and Cameron. Oops!

GIGGLING

Just 15 seconds to go and bouncing belly laughs all round.

That laughter registered on the Gobstop 3000.

Has their cackling cost them the chance of banking a prize?

Your silence test is now over. Cut!

THEY CHEER

Well, I have not heard so much noise

since the last time an elephant gave birth to a tiger.

However, it is not for me to decide your fate.

Miss Gobstop has been listening

to every sound, giggle and chortle you made.

Mm!

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

'Anna, Abbie, constant, co-ordinated giggling.'

THEY CHUCKLE

'Cameron, Harry, you started so well

'but you couldn't control your cackling.'

THEY SNIGGER

Class...

It's results time. Have they banked their third prize?

Failed!

Yes!

THEY GROAN

Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

I told you you could not beat Mr Prance. Ha-ha!

Will the new pupils please report to my office immediately?

-Get out of my class.

-Bye-bye.

-Goodbye, failures.

The first failure of the day.

With classes now complete, it's time to face Miss Gobstop

and get the report before the Final Exam.

-Let us in.

-Quickly. Quietly.

So, you've been sent here because you're all far too noisy.

Shall we look at your report?

Harry, sniggers in your first two classes.

But you seem to be improving.

Cameron, the cackle box.

HE CHUCKLES Cackling now.

Anna.

SHE GIGGLES Giggle, giggle, giggle.

Abbie, you don't keep quiet.

SHE GIGGLES

What did you expect? We've come here cos we're loud.

You've passed two classes and banked two prizes. We have one final exam.

If you pass, you will graduate and take home your two prizes

and receive the ultimate reward, the Golden Gobstopper.

But if you set off my Gobstop 3000 three times,

you will be expelled and go home with absolutely nothing.

-We're going to pass, like the first two.

-We're going to be, like, pass!

-We're going to just go to everything and be...

-Silent?

-Incredible.

So off we go to the science lab.

-Bye.

-See ya.

-Wouldn't want to be ya!

Now it's time for the Final Exam with the Professor.

His fiendish experiments and dastardly inventions

are all that stands between our pupils and the fantastic prizes.

Ah, guten Tag, mein little noise munchkins.

Velcome to your final examination in the laboratory.

I am the Professor, you may have heard of me.

In the laboratory, with the help of my assistant Herr Helmut...

"Boom!" Ah!

Vith the help of my assistant,

we shall test you to see if you have learned the quiet.

If you make three of the bad, bad, noises you will be expelled.

"Ha! Eat Failure Cake!"

But if you manage to keep quiet then you will graduate.

But this will not happen. According to the Fraulein,

you are the noisiest, smelliest children

-she has ever met.

-We're not smelly, just loud.

"Just loud? That one smells a bit." I know, she doesn't know.

The Professor will do everything he can to stop them winning

the Golden Gobstopper. Do your worst, Professor.

-Are you ready to begin the examination?

-ALL:

-Yes.

It will commence in drei, zwei...

-Argh!

-..eins!

THUNDER CRASHES

Who shall ve go with first? I think it's going to be you.

This is my greatest invention. It is a mind-reading helmet.

First up, it's Abbie.

She's totally silent.

I can read your mind. Vot are you saying?

"Oh, no. My hair is a mess. I really want to marry Harry." Oh!

Right, number two, perhaps my greatest invention.

My invisibility cloak.

Ha! I am invisible. You cannot see me.

You don't know vhere I am. Oh, look, at this.

Oh! How is this pie floating all by itself?

He must be scared. He thinks it's a ghost. Yes, he looks terrified.

Now it's Cameron's turn.

Pie in the face but nothing.

Miss Gobstop's pep talk seems to be working.

Ah!

I think it is you. Vot do ve have for you?

Ah, yes, perhaps my greatest invention. It is my facelift paste.

It is made vith ingredients like panda doo-doo and pigeon juice

and butterfly fingers and that type of thing. Let us go.

Our Harry is up next.

Ooh, good work, but not a peep.

And finally, what do we have for you?

Anna's turn.

Vot do you think?

"The child smells really bad, like dinosaur pants.

"I'm going to be sick." You're going to be sick?

"I'm going to be sick." You can't be sick on the child. We must...

Ah! Down here.

"Urgh!"

HE SNIGGERS

I'm so sorry. I forgot it vas hooked up. Don't vorry.

I have a machine to clean us all off. Or do I?

SHE SQUEAKS

Could that be strike two? If they trigger the Gobstop 3000 three times

they will be expelled and lose the lot.

Vot is happening? They look terrified.

20 seconds to go.

Can they keep quiet under the final onslaught of slime?

Time's running out but the slime isn't.

Right, that is it.

The time is up. Your final examination is over.

SHE LAUGHS

Yay! It's warm!

Whee!

Vell, my little laughter lobsters. How do you think you did?

You vere so, so noisy. "Especially you, look at you."

Even now he cannot stop.

If it were up to me, you would fail the examination.

But it's not up to me. It is up to the beautiful Fraulein Gobstop

to see if you made three noises via the Gobstop 3000.

You're in for it.

They passed two classes and failed one. With two prizes at stake,

will they graduate?

How did mein guinea pigs do?

Well, I heard gasping.

I heard giggling.

How do you think you did?

-Harry?

-Awesomely good.

-Awesomely good?

Well, the Gobstop 3000 has spoken.

You...have...

..graduated! THEY CHEER

Yes! It's victory for our fab four from Liverpool.

But how did they do it?

SHE SQUEAKS

There was a gasp from Abbie.

-HE SNIGGERS

-And a chuckle from Cameron.

But only two strikes on the Gobstop 3000 means they have graduated

and won the Golden Gobstopper.

So I give you the Golden Gobstopper.

You may now make your way to get your prizes

from the confiscation cupboard.

I bid you to leave my school silently

and never ever come back. Now get out!

THEY CHEER

Yay!

Will you clean up?

Woo!

They kept giggling!

Just giggling away.

THEY LAUGH

THE TEACHERS ARGUE

THEY BICKER

THEY CHEER

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd