Episode 20 School of Silence

Welcome to the School Of Silence,

where the noisiest children in the country are sent

-to prove they CAN keep quiet.

-Aargh!

THEY LAUGH

We're about to meet four new arrivals,

but can they keep quiet for just one day? I doubt it!

Ssshh!

CLATTERING

Ssshh!

TAP SHOES CLICK

HE GULPS

BELL RINGS

KIDS CHEER

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes to prove

they can be silent, followed by the final exam,

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If I think the pupils manage to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

then they will bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

But if I think they're being too noisy...

SHOUTING

-Oh!

-Ha ha ha!

Ah!

HE LAUGHS

..They will get nothing.

And I will know about it, thanks to this device - the Gobstop 3000,

the very latest in noise monitoring technology.

If they pass the final exam, they will take all the prizes

they have banked and receive the ultimate reward -

the golden gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep THAT shut, I will have no choice

but to expel them, and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

This noisy gaggle are from Glasgow and their noise levels are monitored

by head teacher Miss Gobstop and their form tutor, Mr Gross.

You, step forward!

THEY SCREAM

-Name!

-Jessica!

Jessica once screamed and fell out of a photo booth.

I think you're supposed to say "Cheese", Jessica.

You, step forward! Name?

Eva!

Eva loves to talk and would like to chat all day long.

Sorry, Eva, I'm kind of busy.

You, step forward!

-Name?

-Omar!

Omar thinks the sound of a rumbling stomach is funny.

It is, as long as it's not your own, eh, Omar?

THEY SCREAM

You, step forward! Name?

Jake!

Jake wants to be a singer or an actor when he's older.

He can perform as much as he likes here, as long as it's mime.

Silence, please. And action.

Right, OK, that's it. I've had enough. Get out! Get them out!

THEY SCREAM

It's time for the first class of the day - General Studies with Mr Gross.

Being noisy won't wash with Mr Gross, and Mr Gross won't wash.

But can the new pupils scrub up

and bag their first prize of the day in his two tests?

BELL RINGS

Come in, come in!

-Hey, how you doing?

-Mr Gross, we hate you.

-Thank you for closing the door, Eva.

-You're very welcome.

Oh! Quite polite, after all.

I am Mr Gross, your General Studies teacher.

This is your first lesson in the School Of Silence.

Miss Gobstop is listening through your fluffy microphones,

and she knows if you're being noisy or not.

-Do you think you're ready?

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

"Oh, yeah"? What? "Oh, yeah", mister?

-Well, I think "Oh, no."

-I think, "Oh, yeah."

-I think, "Oh, no."

-It's like a pantomime here.

-Sorry?

-It's like a pantomime...

Well, if it's like a pantomime, Jake, there should be somebody...

-No.

-Don't get you.

-Not like a pantomime.

There's no one behind me, I'm not dressed as a woman. THEY LAUGH

It is not like a pantomime.

Oh, you think so?

Right. Now, it's time for your first silent test.

Everyone needs a trade, and I'm going to teach you about plumbing.

-You see, the school have sent me some of these blocked toilet pipes.

-Eugh!

And what you're going to do is help me unblock them.

The point is you'll blow on each end to unblock the pipe, IN SILENCE.

-Do you think you can do it in silence?

-Definitely.

-Maybe, maybe.

-I don't think you can.

-Yes, we can.

-Yes, we can!

-It's rubbish!

-We can!

-See?

With all that noise you've just proved how noisy you are.

-We'll see about that.

-You'll come to grief.

You're welcome. Don't say that, that's my line.

In Mr Gross's first test,

the pupils must unblock three pipes using the power of their lungs.

The pupil that blows the hardest unblocks the pipe,

showering the other pupil in water.

And don't worry, they're not real toilet pipes.

Pipe number one, and Jessica plays Eva. Can they plumb in silence?

Here we go. Your silent test begins in three, two, one, plumb!

WATER SQUIRTS

Oh!

Eva takes that one. But that was a very noisy start.

Let's see that again.

A tremendous tussle over the tube there,

and Jessica ran out of puff and, splat!

She's plumbed out. Next it's pipe number two - Omar versus Jake.

Three, two, one, plumb!

SQUELCHING

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, yeah!

-Omar is the best plumber, but Jessica has sprung a noisy leak.

Time for a replay.

It was end-to-end stuff, but Jake came off second best.

Awesome action.

It's the third and final pipe, and it's Omar and Eva again.

Who's the best plumber?

Three, two, one, plumb!

Oh, yes!

-THEY LAUGH

-Sshh!

Eva is best, and celebrates in silence.

One paper, this match-up looked close, and so it proved.

But Eva unblocked that pipe straight in Omar's face. Bam!

This type of plumbing is for professionals,

and something you should definitely not try at home.

All this noise will put a spanner in the works if they want a prize.

Maybe they'll do better in Mr Gross's second test.

I think you've failed my class, I really do. What do you think?

ALL: Nah!

-We were well good, man.

-Possibly.

-It's time for another silent test.

There are 12 lockers here, and inside each locker is an item.

JAKE GASPS

There are 12 items and six pairs.

Your job is to find the pairs inside the lockers in absolute silence.

And your silent test begins.

So, in Mr Gross's second test, the pupils must work as a team

to find pairs of shocking lockers in silence.

It's Jessica, AKA The Giggler.

-Has she learnt anything from the first test?

-Oh, no!

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

Oh!

No, the elephant locker breaks her silence.

I've never liked elephants.

Or being quiet, eh, Jessica? Can she find a match?

CHICKEN SQUAWKS

-No, it's the chicken locker.

-Eugh!

Oh, dear! She clucked and squawked through the start. Next it's Jake.

I'm confident he'll make up for Jessica's noisy start.

HE SCREAMS

What am I saying?! This boy needs silent toilet training.

OK, can Jake find a pair without screaming?

PARTY BLOWER TOOTS

HE SCREAMS

No, he can't. And Miss Gobstop can hear everything.

Omar is next to go.

PARTY BLOWERS TOOT

Party animal Omar takes that in his stride, and his face.

Superb silence, though.

Can he find a match?

-JAKE WHISPERS

-No helping and no talking, Jake.

FLIES BUZZ

Oh, bad luck. Omar is keeping a sock in it.

Perhaps the team are learning their lesson.

Eva is last up. Can she match Omar's silent style?

PARTY BLOWERS TOOT

That's the party locker. Can she find its match?

PARTY BLOWERS TOOT

She can! And she parties in silence. What better way to end the test?

Let's find out how you did. How did they do, Miss Gobstop?

Attention, attention! This is Miss Gobstop.

Surprisingly, Eva was rather quiet.

PARTY BLOWERS TOOT

Maybe Jake and Jessica should take a leaf out of her book

for the next silent tests.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, yeah!

Oh! Oh!

HE SCREAMS

Class...

So, were the pupils from Glasgow quiet enough in Mr Gross's class

to bag the first prize of the day?

Failed!

CHILDREN SHOUT

-Now get out of my class.

-Yeah, we'd love to.

CHILDREN SHOUT

Out, out, out! Out! Go, go, go.

HE SIGHS

It was you who was noisy. I wasn't noisy. I was nice and quiet.

-< You weren't.

-We're sorry, team.

-I'm quiet.

-It's your fault.

Jessica, you be quiet. You're going to be quiet.

'Shush!'

'Attention, attention, this is the School Of Silence.'

If any of you see the school caretaker

trying to force a nail into a wall with his head,

don't be alarmed,

I've just confiscated his hammer...

..his drill...

..and his boots.

Eugh, eugh!

'Shush!'

It's time for class two, Geography with Miss Adventure.

This fearless explorer once spent a whole year

searching for the lost map of Mongolia.

After she found it,

her mum said she should really keep her bedroom tidier.

Can our pupils find their way to a prize in her class?

Hello, Miss Adventure, how you doing?

-Hello, Miss Adventure.

-Come in, take a seat, take a seat.

Welcome to my classroom.

Oh, my, welcome. Salute, salute.

Lovely. My name is Miss Adventure.

I'm an explorer, adventurer and geography teacher

and you are in the School Of Silence to see if you can stay quiet.

I have a tremendous test for you

-and you're not going to be able to pass it.

-We are!

You're not going to be able to pass it. You're not going to be able to...

You're rubbish at dancing!

So I'm going to set you a test.

-Do you think you are going to be able to stay silent?

-All: Yes!

It's absolutely ridiculous. Right. Well, children,

-let my first silent test begin.

-Begin, yeah, yeah!

Right, class, every adventurer must be able to separate animals

when they are about to fight with each.

It's something I've done on many occasions.

The two wild animals today that you are going to have to prevent

from fighting with each other, yes, are two very specific animals,

who are known for their antagonism towards each other.

So don't be frightened when I bring them in,

because they really are quite vicious animals.

CHILD GASPS

Don't be frightened, step back from them.

It's a monkey and a rabbit.

-Now, just... That's fine.

-Step away!

That's OK. Your test

is to separate these two.

You are going to have a minute to do it. Only a minute.

You must do it in silence, Miss Gobstop is listening.

So the pupils must keep these two vicious animals apart

for one minute in silence.

Your silence test begins...

Now!

CHILDREN SHOUT

Silent test begins, everyone starts shouting.

Mind-boggling.

Shush!

Good shushing, Jake. Shame no-one is listening.

CHILDREN GIGGLE AND SHOUT

The last time these animals met, it got pretty ugly.

But enough about the pupils.

Miss Gobstop is... Well, you can see for yourself.

-Yes!

-Let's see, who isn't making noise?

Well, just the bunny and the monkey.

Everyone else, laughing their heads off.

You're halfway through. You're halfway through.

CHILDREN SHOUT AND GIGGLE

The bunny absolutely furious with monkey.

Still cross, of course, over the incident of the missing carrot cake.

Omar doing his best to keep them apart.

Ten seconds, ten seconds to go.

In all my years of commentating,

I've never heard silence this noisy.

LAUGHTER

Your silence test has finished, your silence test has finished!

So, I think you were particularly rubbish at that

and I think I've probably won, to be honest.

CHILDREN PROTEST

-I'm delighted about the whole thing.

-You're such a joker!

We'll find out what Miss Gobstop thinks of your performance.

-Miss Gobstop isn't very nice.

-'Attention, attention.'

This is Miss Gobstop.

Even though you, Jake, tried to keep your team-mates quiet...

GIGGLING

..Omar and Jessica couldn't keep it shut.

Yes!

Get him!

Class...

Now, serious voice,

were the pupils quiet enough to pass the test and bank their first prize?

-..failed.

-CHILDREN SHOUT

Who's surprised? Not me.

SHE LAUGHS

I succeeded there, so, class, get out. Go on.

Get out.

CHILDREN ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

There we go. That's right. That's lovely.

CHILDREN PROTEST

It was all Jessica and Omar.

I was trying to keep them quiet

and then Miss Gobstop said that you all failed.

-(IMITATES MISS GOBSTOP)

-"Jake tried to keep them quiet,

"but Omar and Jessica were noisy, so you failed!"

A bit of trouble trying to keep quiet yourself.

Meanwhile, in the hamster cage...

"Your hearing is fine, Richard. Why do you think you are going deaf?"

And so I told him about you.

He recommended I give you the silent treatment, so I will.

HE MUMBLES

Bang! 'Shush!'

It's time for class three. Performing arts with Mr Prance.

This all-round no-sound entertainer

will do everything in his power to stop the pupils passing his class.

So our noisy pupils have failed two classes in a row.

Can they finally bag their first prize of the day?

Hello. Take a seat. Take a seat, take a seat.

Thank you.

I have studied and worked with all the best

and, in this class of performing arts...

Oh, yeah.

HE LAUGHS You think you can test me,

I'm here to test you.

-Yeah, well.

-You're here to make a fool of yourself.

A fool of myself? We'll see who'll be laughing

-and who'll be crying at the end of the test.

-Yes, we will.

My silence test is about to begin.

'Shush!'

Yes. This is a masterclass of the mime artist.

There are eight buckets here. You must remain completely silent.

Remember, Miss Gobstop is listening to every single sound you make.

She will decide whether you have passed or failed.

Remember, a pass equals prizes, failure equals nothing.

Shall we begin? ALL: Yes.

I think we shall. Your silent test has begun.

Action.

Mr Prance will try to break these pupils

using only the awesome power of his mime.

Can they remain silent in the face of his dramatic genius? Let's see.

It's Omar first and that bucket looks heavy. What's inside?

-Ho-ho, laugh all you like, Jake, but you're next.

-LAUGHTER

-And that cackle didn't go unnoticed.

-'Shush.'

Will Jake find it so funny now?

CHILDREN GIGGLE

Omar is keeping the team disciplined,

but did Miss Gobstop hear those giggles?

'Shush!'

Jessica next, and Mr Prance delightfully acting out the pong.

Phenomenal silence from Jessica and the team.

Keep that up and they might bag that first prize.

Eva is next, and all 17 years of training with the cleaning lady

at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art going into this bucket work.

He hauls,

steels himself

and gunges. Bravo.

But Eva doesn't make a peep. This is a massive improvement.

15 seconds to go

and he's piling on the mime-fuelled pressure.

Can the students hold out against such punishing acting?

Which he's topped off

with his trademark tinsel avalanche.

STIFLED GIGGLING

And now your sound test has completed. Cut.

Right. How do you think you actually fared in that test?

-All: Good!

-Do you think so?

Well, you may have thought you've done well,

but I heard some giggling, but it's not for me to decide.

Miss Gobstop has been listening to every sound you made

and she will tell you how you did.

Miss Gobstop!

-(MISS GOBSTOP)

-'Attention, attention.'

This is Miss Gobstop.

I do love a good mime.

Although the silence was interrupted by giggles...

from guess who?

-Jessica.

-JESSICA GIGGLES

Class...

Did the pupils do enough to bank their first prize of the day?

-..passed.

-CHEERING

-In your face!

-No, no!

LAUGHTER

Will the new pupils please report to my office immediately?

MR PRANCE: Out! Class dismissed!

HE SOBS

With all the classes now complete, the pupils are off

to see Miss Gobstop to get their report before the final exam.

Come in.

You were sent here because you are all far too noisy.

And you were trying to prove that you could be quiet.

-Of the three classes you've taken, you've passed how many?

-Two.

-One.

Can you count, Jessica? No. So, Jessica, you're a giggler.

Jake, you started off very noisily.

JAKE SQUEALS

But you kind of got the hang of it

and tried to keep your other team-mates under control, didn't you?

Omar, hm, you're nothing if not consistent.

But you've giggled throughout.

-Yes!

-HE GIGGLES

Eva, I see a smirk on the face now,

but, actually, during all classes, you were quite composed.

A star pupil.

Seeing as you've passed one class, you will be receiving one prize.

But, only if you pass the final test.

If you pass the test, you will receive the Golden Gobstopper.

Don't touch it, Jake.

If you don't, you will be expelled. On your way.

To the science lab. The professor is waiting. Out!

-Bye.

-Goodbye.

-See ya!

-Pick your feet up. Chop, chop.

-Bye-bye.

-Laters.

'Shush!'

It's time for the final exam with the Professor.

He's spent a lifetime perfecting the chaos-creating contraptions

and mayhem-making machines

that stand between our team from Glasgow and their prizes.

The Professor is on a mission to stop these pupils graduating.

-Game on, Professor.

-Hello, children.

I am the Professor, and welcome to your final examination.

Today, with the help of my assistant, Herr Helmut... Jawohl!

-ALL: You've got a puppet!

-You're a little baby.

-Don't you talk about Helmut that way! I do not like that.

-It's a puppet.

What we will do today, with all the latest in silence science,

is test if you have learned the power of the quiet, ja?

If you make three of the bad, bad noises, you will be expelled.

-Hah! You will fail!

-We won't.

If you manage to keep the quiet, you will graduate

and win all of Frau Gobstop's amazing prizes.

This will not happen. All: Yes, it will.

You just don't...

Honestly, I don't think you could be quiet in a million zillion years.

Yes, we can!

Yes, you're showing how quiet you can be by shouting out loud.

Ha, ha, ha!

What will happen now is we will commence the experiment.

You will keep quiet, or you will fail.

Are you ready? ALL: Yes.

We will commence the experiment in drei, zwei, eins.

THUNDER SOUND EFFECT

HE LAUGHS

That is how you do science. Mm-hm-hm.

A-ha ha.

Oh, a noise from Jessica. Is that the first strike?

Remember, three strikes and they're expelled.

Let us see.

Ah, monkey child!

We will turn you all into monkeys.

GIGGLING

There were some definite giggles. Will they trigger the Gobstop 3,000?

Ah, you've done well. Let us see what the next experiment is.

Ah, teleporter. One of my finest experiments.

Teleporter, activate!

The Professor claims the teleporter can transport goo

anywhere in the world, except his gran's house.

But will he hit the target with our team?

Now, what this experiment does is it makes everything bigger.

-So, number one, dandruff.

-Jessica to go first.

She's flaky, but silent. Amazing.

Green. Which is snot!

Omar next.

Green gunge everywhere, but not a peep from Omar.

Jake's turn and the Professor is going for earwax.

Always teleports nicely.

Has Jake finally discovered the secret of silence?

-Finally, it's Eva.

-Are you ready, Helmut?

Here we go.

Uh-oh, poor Helmut is not well.

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

Despite Helmut's gunk attack, the pupils are staying tight-lipped.

Remarkable stuff.

HE GROANS

I hate you. You make me sick. Shut up.

Oh, dear, are you dirty?

Did you make the noise? I thought I heard something.

Let us go with the final experiment.

Time travel.

My greatest work.

Oh, it didn't work. We'll do it again.

Ah! Time travel.

My greatest work.

He's using the old time-loop ploy to tear out titters from the team.

Very crafty.

Oh, it didn't work. We try the next one.

Ah, time travel. My greatest work.

And with the last few seconds to go, the pupils are staying schtum

under this time-warping torrent of slime.

They really want to graduate.

Time is up!

Well, if it was up to me, I think you would fail.

I thought you were all noisy little monsters.

But is not up to me, it is up to Frau Gobstoppen

to see if you will graduate, or if you will be expelled.

-We are going to graduate!

-Meine teacher!

How did meine guinea pigs do?

-(MISS GOBSTOP)

-How do you think you did?

-Good.

-Good?

-In the middle.

-In the middle.

Do you think you were quiet enough

to get your little noisy fingers on the Golden Gobstop?

All: Yes!

Well, I can tell you that after checking the Gobstop 3,000,

you have...

DRUM ROLL

..graduated.

All: Yes!

Well, what an incredible result,

and the team from Glasgow are rightly elated.

Let's have a look at how they did it.

Jessica made a very distinct noise.

-SHE GIGGLES

-And Omar let out a giggling gasp.

But Jake and Eva kept silent throughout.

So, with only two strikes, that means a spectacular pass.

Goodbye! Goodbye!

CHILDREN: Goodbye!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd