Episode 19 School of Silence

'Welcome to the School of Silence. This is where the noisiest children

'in the country are sent to prove they can keep quiet.'

THEY LAUGH

'We're about to meet four new arrivals,

'but can they keep quiet for just one day? I doubt it!'

Shh!

Ssh!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

CHEERING

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes

to prove they can be silent, followed by the crucial final exam

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If I think the pupils managed to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they will bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

But if I think they are being too noisy...

Agh!

..they will get nothing and I will know about it thanks to this device,

the Gobstop 3,000, the very latest in noise monitoring technology.

If they pass the final exam they will take all the prizes they have banked

and receive the ultimate reward,

the Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep that shut I will have no choice

but to expel them and they will go home with absolutely nothing!

'Today's noisy lot are from Belfast

'and they're getting in their last moments of loudness

'in front of head teacher Miss Gobstop and form tutor, Mr Gross.

'I think this boisterous bunch will struggle.

'They'll need to keep it shut to have a chance of going home with a prize.'

-You, come forward. Name?

-CHLOE!

I heard that.

'Chloe hates vegetables but loves ducks and would imitate them all day if she could.

'She's obviously quackers!'

-You, step forward. Name?

-KIAN!

'Football-mad Kian loves it when his friend laughs like a hyena.

'Well, it might stop the giraffes stealing the ball.'

You. Step forward. Name?

EMMA!

'The funniest sound Emma's heard was a boy screaming at a spider.

'Perhaps he'd just swallowed a fly. I don't know why!'

You. Step forward. Name?

ODHRAN!

Went right through me, that did.

'Odhran once laughed so hard he accidentally let rip

'in front of everyone at a family dinner.

'I wonder if he was eating pumpkin pie.'

Get out! Get them out.

SCREAMING AND NOISE

Get rid of them. Quickly!

'It's time for classes to begin.

'The first lesson, general studies with Mr Gross.

'Mr Gross is a real connoisseur of muck and yuck.

'What surprises has he got hidden away for our bunch from Belfast?'

-Come in. Come in!

-Hello.

Hello Mr Ugly, brushing your teeth, are you?

-Makes a change.

-Yes, I was brushing my teeth.

-Dental hygiene is very, very important.

-Please go away.

I like to brush my teeth with squeezy cheese spread.

-Ugh!

-And most importantly, a lot of people forget to do this,

is brush your tongue.

-Ugh!

-Ooh!

-Would you like some?

-No!

-I've got a spare brush.

-No!

Right, I tell you what, I'll put this down and get on with the class.

So, I am Mr Gross, your general studies teacher

and I am here to give you your first silent test.

Now, Miss Gobstop is listening at all times

on these fluffy little microphones.

She knows if you're being noisy.

So, you need to work as a team to try and be silent together.

It'll improve your life.

Going forward, people will not have to pretend they're listening

to you because you will be quiet

-and it will be much, much nicer, won't it?

-Yes.

Anyway, it's time for your first silent test.

Stop giggling, Chloe, it's not a laughing matter,

this is serious silent testing.

Your first silent test is all about memory.

The good thing about remembering things

is you don't have to make any noise when you do it.

There are 12 lockers here and inside each locker is an item.

So you're going to take turns to step up here

and open two lockers, trying to find a pair.

But remember, you must try to do it in...

-Silence.

-Correct.

There is hope.

OK, your silence test starts now.

'So for this game our pupils have two turns each to silently find

'matching objects in these shocking lockers.

'What's inside Odhran's locker?

'It's a party and someone's brought the spray string!

'But Odhran's celebrating in silence.

'Can he pair up the party locker?

'No, it's a clown.

'But it's not making him laugh.

'Kian is next.

'What's going to be in his first locker?

'It's a blizzard.

'So where's the matching locker?

'No, not there. There's a skeleton in that cupboard.

'Kian's been scared into silence and Miss Gobstop likes it.

'It's Emma next.

'She's found the clown.

'Can she remember where the other one was?

'Yes, she can.

'And she's done it in silence. Miss Gobstop will be happy.

'It's Chloe's turn.

'Ooh. It's a snotty looking gunge.

'That's got right up her nose.

The next box is a party.

'But Chloe's laughing might mean there will be no celebrations later.

'It's back to Odhran again.

'He's found the other blizzard.

'Can he remember where the first one was?

'Is it this one?

'No, it's that snotty gunge but he's made his mistake in silence.

'Good.

'Back to Kian. He's found the blizzard, too.

'But is Kian able to remember where the other one is?

'No, he's not. He's found the green slime again!'

Don't worry, it's not real snot.

Well, at least I don't think so.

'OK, it's Emma again.

'There's the blizzard. Can she find the matching locker

'and, more importantly, do it in silence?

'Oh, yes, she can. Snow bother at all.

'It's Chloe last and it's party time again.

'Look at that determination to keep quiet.

'Can she find the matching locker? Slimy gunge again.

'She's got the wrong one. And she giggled.

'But was it too loud for Miss Gobstop.'

Your silence test is over!

'So have they done enough to earn their first pass and bank a prize?'

-Did you make any noise?

-Nope.

No, you say.

It doesn't matter what do you think, or even what I think.

The only person whose opinion matters

is our illustrious headmistress, the wonderful Miss Gobstop.

Attention, attention! This is Miss Gobstop.

Finding pairs is definitely not your strong point.

Neither is holding your giggly gasp, Chloe.

But were you quiet enough as a team?

-Class...

-'Here come the results.

'Will the day start with a prize pass, or a noisy fail?'

..passed.

Yes!

You may have got past this silence test but there are two more

to go before the final exam and they'll be even trickier.

-And I suspect you're going to be even noisier.

-Hee hee!

Get out of my class! And don't come back!

I'm not falling for the same trick twice, Odhran.

I may be stupid but I'm not really stupid. Get out.

-We passed!

-We passed!

-We passed Mr Gross's test.

-And we're going to win.

-And we'll resign from the School of Silence!

Attention, attention!

This is the School of Silence.

I am pleased to announce the testing of my latest

howl-deadening invention has now begun.

I'm sure we'll all hear the benefits over the coming term.

Thank you!

'Thank you! It's time for Class 2.

'Geography with Miss Adventure.

'She rumbled in the jumble and upset all the animals.

'So with one test passed, how will our pupils get on in here?

'Will they put up a fight and claim another prize

'or will Miss Adventure manage to defeat them?'

-Oh! Come in! Come on in, come in.

-Hello!

-Hello, take a seat.

Oh, there we are. That's lovely. Sit down, children. Welcome.

I am Miss Adventure, your geography teacher.

And you're here in my class to see whether or not you can stay silent.

-Now, you've passed Mr Gross's class, correct?

-ALL: Yes.

-Do you think you can stay silent in my class?

-ALL: Ye-es!

Well, I don't think so cos I'm going to defeat you.

I'm going to defeat you...

You call that dancing? We can well beat you at dancing!

Chloe, up you come. Come on, then. Let's judge.

Me and you. Me and you. What kind of dance are we doing?

Do you know the shuffle?

Shuffle, go ahead, shuffle. We'll do it, OK.

Not a problem, and I'll put my own twist on it. Ready?

Mmm-cha-oom, cha-oom-cha, nee-ee-ee! Wicka-wicka-wicka-wicka!

What are you, an Oompa Loompa?!

Er, sit down. It's time for my silence test.

Every explorer needs to be sure footed,

and my silence test is going to see

if you can get across my swamp as quickly and quietly as possible.

What we're going to do is make you a bit dizzy,

nothing is easy in the School of Silence,

make you dizzy and you have to travel across here.

If you step off this line, you'll hear a noise.

LION ROARS

You need to make your way across here

as quickly and quietly as possible.

-So you think you're going to pass my silence test?

-ALL: Yes!

With my brother and sister, let's get started.

Positions, please! Chloe, you're up first.

My sister wants to go along there.

Silence test will start in five, four, three, two, one.

'So, Miss Adventure's brother spins the pupils to make them dizzy.

'Then they must struggle through the swamp,

'while the entire team stays quiet.'

CHLOE GIGGLES

'Chloe's laughing already. Miss Gobstop will be furious.'

BIRD SQUAWKS

'Oh, there's all sorts of animal noises,

'but I'm sure I can hear the Lesser Spotted Chloe.'

'OK, Emma's up next for a spin through the swamp.'

'Oh, dear. A slight problem with gravity. And she's down.'

'Odhran's chuckling but Miss Gobstop isn't.'

'Emma has set off the raucous sounds of the swamp,

'but she's kept herself quiet.

'Next is Kian.'

'Oh, Odhran's whispering there.

Ow!

'And there's a squawk from Kian.

'Miss Gobstop is not liking that one bit.'

'There goes Kian.'

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

'Oh, he's managing to stay upright.'

'Unlike the trees!'

'Now, Odhran's last. Can the team finish in silence,

'or will they be swamped by noise?'

'Miss Adventure and her pet croc trying to put him off.

'But he's finished in silence.'

Your silence test is over.

-ALL: Ya-a-ay!

-Your silence test...!

Well, erm, I heard, I think, quite a lot of noise.

It doesn't matter what I think, doesn't matter what you think.

It's about Miss Gobstop, so let's find out what Miss Gobstop thought.

Attention, attention! This is Miss Gobstop.

I heard monkeys, elephants, lions and heavy footed giggle-mouths.

Chloe, Odhran, Kian...

CHLOE GIGGLES

Ow!

If only you three would take a leaf out of Emma's quiet book.

But were your noises enough to rumble the jungle?

Class...

'So, will this boisterous bunch bank their second prize?'

..Failed!

Ya-a-a-a-ay!

What a shame.

Get out...we are out. We'll get out!

'That's one pass and one fail so far for our team from Belfast.'

We failed Miss Adventure's class.

-I know.

-But we still had a lot of fun.

ALL: Cos we're going to be silent for the School of Silence.

Shh!

'Yes, shh! Meanwhile, in the school's hamster cage...'

Right, where were we?

I hear with my little ear something beginning with N.

Hmm? Hmm?

Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

Boring. Bang!

'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

'the school's performing arts teacher,

'the Lord of the Silent Dance, Mr Les Prance.

'But can our students stay quiet in his class?

'With one pass and one fail already,

'how are our pupils going to get on with their next test?'

Morning. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Bonjour!

Excuse me, Mr...France, isn't it? What are you doing?

Now, I am Mr Prance, your teacher of the performing arts.

And here, within the theatre of silence,

I will be testing you to prove that you cannot remain quiet.

How have you done so far? How's the day been?

One pass and one fail.

One pass and one fail. So who's the troublemaker?

-These three.

-Those three.

-Yes, not me.

You're perfect, Emma. I see.

Remember, Miss Gobstop will be listening to every single sound

that you make via your fluffy little microphones.

It's now time for my first silence test.

As a performer, there are times that you must remain still

and also silent.

This is a staring competition,

with my assistant issuing a cold water punishment for blinking.

Blink and you'll get it.

Your silence test has begun, in three, two, one.

Stare.

'It's the classic silent stare-off, with water down the back

'for the first to blink, and the rest of the team must stay quiet.

'Kian and Chloe are first up.'

'Intense concentration from the start, but, oh, Chloe's blinked!

'Let's see that again. Kian disarms Chloe with a friendly smile

'before launching a pupil-piercing attack and Chloe crumbles.

'And here comes the water.'

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

'What a lot of noise!

'That's lighting up the Gobstop 3,000 like a Christmas tree.'

Ha-ha-ha-ha! A-agh!

'That's got to tip Miss Gobstop over the edge.

'Not the best of starts, but can Emma and Odhran do any better?'

Round Two. In three, two, one, stare.

'Icily intense eye-work from Emma.

'And there's the blink. Let's rewind.

'Emma's left-eye right-eye combination

'melting Odhran's resolve. That smile won't last long.'

ODHRAN LAUGHS

And Odhran's laugh isn't going to help them pass, either.

OK, stare fans, it's the final eye-off, with Emma and Kian.

This is the final. Close your eyes.

In three, two, one. Stare.

'Emma launches in with a tongue attack,

'but Kian comes back with a masterful cross-eye manoeuvre.'

'And Emma has gone.

'It was ice versus rock here, and Emma's tongue technique

'blown away by the sheer force of Kian's stony squint.

'Bam! All over.

'And it's water time!

'But that chuckle from Kian might mean it's fail time.'

'Supreme silence from Emma there. Water player!

'But is it enough to earn them a pass?'

And now your silence test is over.

ALL: Yes!

At the end of that test, I can safely say,

without a shred of a doubt, that myself and Nursie were amazing!

Well done, Nursie. High five. Thank you.

What about us?

It's not for me to decide. it's up to Miss Gobstop.

Attention, attention! This is Miss Gobstop.

Normally, I don't hear anything during a staring contest,

making it a favourite pastime of mine.

But I heard gasps and shrieks of surprise.

-Ah-ha-ha-ha! Aagh!

-Ah-ha-ha!

Only one of you was as quiet as an icicle. Emma, the ice queen.

Class...

'So, have Belfast banked their second prize of the day?'

..Failed!

Yes! Ha-ha-ha!

Will the new pupils please report to my office immediately?

Au revoir, goodbye, take care.

Thank you very much. Yes, don't drip any water anywhere. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ahhhhh...!

'With all their classes now complete,

'the pupils are off to see Miss Gobstop to get their report

'before the Final Exam.'

Enter.

-'S up?

-What's up?

So, shall we take a look at your report and see how you've done?

Chloe, you started today as Little Miss Backchat,

but I saw you melted under pressure.

Odhran, cheeky, cheeky giggler.

-Kian, do you know the meaning of silence?

-Yes.

Ho-ho!

Emma, I almost forgot you were here. Your silence is quite superb.

I could make you the silent school captain.

You've passed one test today, making sure that you've banked one prize.

If you graduate, not only will you take home the prize,

but you'll also take home the ultimate reward

of the Golden Gobstopper.

If, however, you make three noises or more to set off my Gobstop 3,000,

you won't take any prizes home and go home with absolutely nothing.

So I would say, get yourself to the science lab,

zip it and let's see how you do.

-Now get out.

-Thank you.

Thank you. ALL: Conga, conga, conga...!

The conga?! The conga?!

'It's time for the Final Exam with the Professor.

'Our brave bunch from Belfast will have to face

'the most dastardly inventions in his lab of horrors

'before they can pass and claim their prizes.'

Ah, hello, my little giggling grasshoppers,

and velcome to ze laboratory.

I am ze Professor, and today with ze help of my assistant,

-Herr Helmut...

-Science ninja!

-A-agh! Get off!

What will happen today is I will run you through your Final Examination.

I will pit you against the power of my silent laboratory

and some of my greatest inventions.

However, as Fraulein Gobstopper said,

if you make three of ze bad noises, you will be expelled.

Tie your shoes, you're running a failure marathon. Ha!

But, if you manage to keep with the quiet - unlikely! -

then you will graduate and you will win ze elusive Golden Gobstopper

and all of ze fantastic prizes.

Do you think you will do it?

-ALL: Yes.

-Well, I don't know about that.

Have you ever thought of getting a bath?

I think you've got little rats in your hair.

Well, that's ironic, cos I'm going to do something to your hair

in a little while. Ha-ha-ha!

-Are you ready to commence the Final Examination?

-ALL: Yes!

'The Professor is determined

'to keep the Golden Gobstopper out of their hands. Do your vurst!'

We will commence in drei, zwei, eins!

THUNDER CLAPS

-Was that you?

-No, it was you!

-I did a poo.

Who will be first? I think it shall be you.

'First up is Kian.'

Zis is my singing chicken.

Oh, it is so wonderful, it sings the most wonderful...what's that?

You're feeling ill? Vot happened? Did you have a bad egg?

Oh, what, you're going to be sick? You can't be sick here!

But, oh, oh, ah, a-a-agh!

'Oh, dear. Chicken sick. That's egg-zactly what he didn't want.

'But he's kept quiet.'

Now, what do we have next? This is my magnetic pie.

It is attracted to the face of the child

that is going to make the most noise.

We turn the machine on.

Who's it going to?

Oh, ooh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

'Oh, that magnetic pie cruelly drawn to Odhran's nerves of steel,

'and it ends up with a messy face.'

I like your beard!

OK, who do we have next?

'It's Emma, the stare-off queen next.'

-We don't appear to have anything.

-I feel like I've got to sneeze.

-You vot?

-I've got a very bad cold.

-You vot?

-Ah-ah-ah...ah-ah-ah...

-Don't sneeze.

Ah-poo!

'Oh, not even a flinch.

'She's facing up to the Professor like a true champ.'

'Keep that up, and this class is looking at a pass.'

But who do we have next? For you, Chloe, something very special.

'What's in store for Chloe from Herr Professor?'

Zis is my long-distance hairdressing kit.

From up to six billion, billion, zillion miles,

I can give you a shampoo and rinse. It is wonderful.

Let us see if I turn it on,

I tried it on myself but it didn't work. I just got cooties.

'He may have passed 1,000 diplomas, but not one was for hairdressing.'

Activate!

'Oh, dear. A very unfashionable blue rinse for Chloe.'

Oh, dear. I so sorry, it seems the machine...don't worry,

I have a special tool here for just cleaning you up.

We have it here. Right, this one!

SPLOSH

'Oh, sludge a shame!'

Don't worry, I have another one here. This one!

'20 seconds left. Time for the final gunge-a-thon!'

Oh, OK...

All right, this is getting scary now.

'Remember, three strikes means they're expelled

'and go home empty-handed.'

'Oh, was that a noise from Chloe?'

That's it! Your Final Examination is over!

ALL: Yeah!

Well, my little buzzing bees,

how do you think you did in your Final Examination?

Really well, because we didn't laugh, none of us.

Well, if it was up to me, I don't know,

-I think I would have to fail you. What about you, Helmut?

-Silence!

Thank you for your contributions. Let us see how you have done.

It is only up to the glorious head teacher, Fraulein Gobstopper.

Gobstopper!

'The team have failed two classes and passed one,

'so with the prize and the Golden Gobstopper at stake,

'will they pass the Final Exam and graduate?'

How did meine guinea pigs do?

Hmm. Your Final Examination is over.

The Gobstop 3,000 has spoken.

You...

..have...

..graduated!

ALL: Ye-a-a-ah!

'It's victory for the team from Belfast.

'They've won the Golden Gobstopper. So just how did that happen?'

'Despite the Professor throwing everything at them,

'they did a sterling job of staying silent.

'Apart from one mini-snigger from Chloe.

'So with only one strike on the Gobstop 3,000,

'they passed the Final Exam and will go home with a prize

'and the Golden Gobstopper.'

I'm very amazed that you've managed to keep it shut

during the Final Exam.

I congratulate you.

Please take the Golden Gobstopper on behalf of the team.

Spread the silence throughout your schools and get out.

I really don't want to see you anymore. Get out.

Go on. Clear off. That's it.

ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

ALL: A-a-a-a-agh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

ALL: A-a-agh! Woo!

ALL: Yea-a-a-ah!