Episode 19 School of Silence


Episode 19

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Transcript


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'Welcome to the School of Silence. This is where the noisiest children

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'in the country are sent to prove they can keep quiet.'

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THEY LAUGH

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'We're about to meet four new arrivals,

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'but can they keep quiet for just one day? I doubt it!'

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Shh!

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Ssh!

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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CHEERING

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Here's how the day works.

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The new pupils have three challenging classes

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to prove they can be silent, followed by the crucial final exam

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which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

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If I think the pupils managed to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

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..then they will bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

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But if I think they are being too noisy...

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Agh!

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..they will get nothing and I will know about it thanks to this device,

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the Gobstop 3,000, the very latest in noise monitoring technology.

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If they pass the final exam they will take all the prizes they have banked

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and receive the ultimate reward,

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the Golden Gobstopper.

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However, if they fail to keep that shut I will have no choice

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but to expel them and they will go home with absolutely nothing!

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'Today's noisy lot are from Belfast

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'and they're getting in their last moments of loudness

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'in front of head teacher Miss Gobstop and form tutor, Mr Gross.

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'I think this boisterous bunch will struggle.

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'They'll need to keep it shut to have a chance of going home with a prize.'

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-You, come forward. Name?

-CHLOE!

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I heard that.

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'Chloe hates vegetables but loves ducks and would imitate them all day if she could.

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'She's obviously quackers!'

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-You, step forward. Name?

-KIAN!

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'Football-mad Kian loves it when his friend laughs like a hyena.

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'Well, it might stop the giraffes stealing the ball.'

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You. Step forward. Name?

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EMMA!

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'The funniest sound Emma's heard was a boy screaming at a spider.

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'Perhaps he'd just swallowed a fly. I don't know why!'

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You. Step forward. Name?

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ODHRAN!

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Went right through me, that did.

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'Odhran once laughed so hard he accidentally let rip

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'in front of everyone at a family dinner.

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'I wonder if he was eating pumpkin pie.'

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Get out! Get them out.

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SCREAMING AND NOISE

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Get rid of them. Quickly!

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'It's time for classes to begin.

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'The first lesson, general studies with Mr Gross.

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'Mr Gross is a real connoisseur of muck and yuck.

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'What surprises has he got hidden away for our bunch from Belfast?'

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-Come in. Come in!

-Hello.

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Hello Mr Ugly, brushing your teeth, are you?

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-Makes a change.

-Yes, I was brushing my teeth.

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-Dental hygiene is very, very important.

-Please go away.

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I like to brush my teeth with squeezy cheese spread.

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-Ugh!

-And most importantly, a lot of people forget to do this,

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is brush your tongue.

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-Ugh!

-Ooh!

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-Would you like some?

-No!

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-I've got a spare brush.

-No!

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Right, I tell you what, I'll put this down and get on with the class.

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So, I am Mr Gross, your general studies teacher

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and I am here to give you your first silent test.

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Now, Miss Gobstop is listening at all times

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on these fluffy little microphones.

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She knows if you're being noisy.

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So, you need to work as a team to try and be silent together.

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It'll improve your life.

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Going forward, people will not have to pretend they're listening

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to you because you will be quiet

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-and it will be much, much nicer, won't it?

-Yes.

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Anyway, it's time for your first silent test.

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Stop giggling, Chloe, it's not a laughing matter,

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this is serious silent testing.

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Your first silent test is all about memory.

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The good thing about remembering things

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is you don't have to make any noise when you do it.

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There are 12 lockers here and inside each locker is an item.

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So you're going to take turns to step up here

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and open two lockers, trying to find a pair.

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But remember, you must try to do it in...

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-Silence.

-Correct.

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There is hope.

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OK, your silence test starts now.

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'So for this game our pupils have two turns each to silently find

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'matching objects in these shocking lockers.

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'What's inside Odhran's locker?

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'It's a party and someone's brought the spray string!

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'But Odhran's celebrating in silence.

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'Can he pair up the party locker?

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'No, it's a clown.

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'But it's not making him laugh.

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'Kian is next.

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'What's going to be in his first locker?

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'It's a blizzard.

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'So where's the matching locker?

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'No, not there. There's a skeleton in that cupboard.

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'Kian's been scared into silence and Miss Gobstop likes it.

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'It's Emma next.

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'She's found the clown.

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'Can she remember where the other one was?

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'Yes, she can.

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'And she's done it in silence. Miss Gobstop will be happy.

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'It's Chloe's turn.

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'Ooh. It's a snotty looking gunge.

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'That's got right up her nose.

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The next box is a party.

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'But Chloe's laughing might mean there will be no celebrations later.

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'It's back to Odhran again.

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'He's found the other blizzard.

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'Can he remember where the first one was?

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'Is it this one?

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'No, it's that snotty gunge but he's made his mistake in silence.

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'Good.

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'Back to Kian. He's found the blizzard, too.

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'But is Kian able to remember where the other one is?

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'No, he's not. He's found the green slime again!'

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Don't worry, it's not real snot.

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Well, at least I don't think so.

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'OK, it's Emma again.

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'There's the blizzard. Can she find the matching locker

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'and, more importantly, do it in silence?

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'Oh, yes, she can. Snow bother at all.

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'It's Chloe last and it's party time again.

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'Look at that determination to keep quiet.

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'Can she find the matching locker? Slimy gunge again.

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'She's got the wrong one. And she giggled.

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'But was it too loud for Miss Gobstop.'

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Your silence test is over!

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'So have they done enough to earn their first pass and bank a prize?'

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-Did you make any noise?

-Nope.

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No, you say.

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It doesn't matter what do you think, or even what I think.

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The only person whose opinion matters

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is our illustrious headmistress, the wonderful Miss Gobstop.

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Attention, attention! This is Miss Gobstop.

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Finding pairs is definitely not your strong point.

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Neither is holding your giggly gasp, Chloe.

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But were you quiet enough as a team?

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-Class...

-'Here come the results.

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'Will the day start with a prize pass, or a noisy fail?'

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..passed.

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Yes!

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You may have got past this silence test but there are two more

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to go before the final exam and they'll be even trickier.

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-And I suspect you're going to be even noisier.

-Hee hee!

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Get out of my class! And don't come back!

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I'm not falling for the same trick twice, Odhran.

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I may be stupid but I'm not really stupid. Get out.

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-We passed!

-We passed!

-We passed Mr Gross's test.

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-And we're going to win.

-And we'll resign from the School of Silence!

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Attention, attention!

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This is the School of Silence.

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I am pleased to announce the testing of my latest

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howl-deadening invention has now begun.

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I'm sure we'll all hear the benefits over the coming term.

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Thank you!

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'Thank you! It's time for Class 2.

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'Geography with Miss Adventure.

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'She rumbled in the jumble and upset all the animals.

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'So with one test passed, how will our pupils get on in here?

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'Will they put up a fight and claim another prize

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'or will Miss Adventure manage to defeat them?'

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-Oh! Come in! Come on in, come in.

-Hello!

-Hello, take a seat.

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Oh, there we are. That's lovely. Sit down, children. Welcome.

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I am Miss Adventure, your geography teacher.

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And you're here in my class to see whether or not you can stay silent.

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-Now, you've passed Mr Gross's class, correct?

-ALL: Yes.

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-Do you think you can stay silent in my class?

-ALL: Ye-es!

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Well, I don't think so cos I'm going to defeat you.

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I'm going to defeat you...

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You call that dancing? We can well beat you at dancing!

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Chloe, up you come. Come on, then. Let's judge.

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Me and you. Me and you. What kind of dance are we doing?

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Do you know the shuffle?

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Shuffle, go ahead, shuffle. We'll do it, OK.

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Not a problem, and I'll put my own twist on it. Ready?

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Mmm-cha-oom, cha-oom-cha, nee-ee-ee! Wicka-wicka-wicka-wicka!

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What are you, an Oompa Loompa?!

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Er, sit down. It's time for my silence test.

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Every explorer needs to be sure footed,

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and my silence test is going to see

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if you can get across my swamp as quickly and quietly as possible.

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What we're going to do is make you a bit dizzy,

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nothing is easy in the School of Silence,

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make you dizzy and you have to travel across here.

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If you step off this line, you'll hear a noise.

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LION ROARS

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You need to make your way across here

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as quickly and quietly as possible.

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-So you think you're going to pass my silence test?

-ALL: Yes!

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With my brother and sister, let's get started.

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Positions, please! Chloe, you're up first.

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My sister wants to go along there.

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Silence test will start in five, four, three, two, one.

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'So, Miss Adventure's brother spins the pupils to make them dizzy.

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'Then they must struggle through the swamp,

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'while the entire team stays quiet.'

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CHLOE GIGGLES

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'Chloe's laughing already. Miss Gobstop will be furious.'

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BIRD SQUAWKS

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'Oh, there's all sorts of animal noises,

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'but I'm sure I can hear the Lesser Spotted Chloe.'

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'OK, Emma's up next for a spin through the swamp.'

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'Oh, dear. A slight problem with gravity. And she's down.'

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'Odhran's chuckling but Miss Gobstop isn't.'

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'Emma has set off the raucous sounds of the swamp,

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'but she's kept herself quiet.

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'Next is Kian.'

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'Oh, Odhran's whispering there.

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Ow!

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'And there's a squawk from Kian.

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'Miss Gobstop is not liking that one bit.'

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'There goes Kian.'

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

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'Oh, he's managing to stay upright.'

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'Unlike the trees!'

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'Now, Odhran's last. Can the team finish in silence,

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'or will they be swamped by noise?'

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'Miss Adventure and her pet croc trying to put him off.

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'But he's finished in silence.'

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Your silence test is over.

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-ALL: Ya-a-ay!

-Your silence test...!

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Well, erm, I heard, I think, quite a lot of noise.

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It doesn't matter what I think, doesn't matter what you think.

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It's about Miss Gobstop, so let's find out what Miss Gobstop thought.

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Attention, attention! This is Miss Gobstop.

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I heard monkeys, elephants, lions and heavy footed giggle-mouths.

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Chloe, Odhran, Kian...

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CHLOE GIGGLES

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Ow!

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If only you three would take a leaf out of Emma's quiet book.

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But were your noises enough to rumble the jungle?

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Class...

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'So, will this boisterous bunch bank their second prize?'

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..Failed!

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Ya-a-a-a-ay!

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What a shame.

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Get out...we are out. We'll get out!

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'That's one pass and one fail so far for our team from Belfast.'

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We failed Miss Adventure's class.

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-I know.

-But we still had a lot of fun.

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ALL: Cos we're going to be silent for the School of Silence.

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Shh!

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'Yes, shh! Meanwhile, in the school's hamster cage...'

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Right, where were we?

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I hear with my little ear something beginning with N.

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Hmm? Hmm?

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Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

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Boring. Bang!

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'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

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'the school's performing arts teacher,

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'the Lord of the Silent Dance, Mr Les Prance.

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'But can our students stay quiet in his class?

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'With one pass and one fail already,

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'how are our pupils going to get on with their next test?'

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Morning. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

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Bonjour!

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Excuse me, Mr...France, isn't it? What are you doing?

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Now, I am Mr Prance, your teacher of the performing arts.

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And here, within the theatre of silence,

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I will be testing you to prove that you cannot remain quiet.

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How have you done so far? How's the day been?

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One pass and one fail.

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One pass and one fail. So who's the troublemaker?

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-These three.

-Those three.

-Yes, not me.

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You're perfect, Emma. I see.

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Remember, Miss Gobstop will be listening to every single sound

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that you make via your fluffy little microphones.

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It's now time for my first silence test.

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As a performer, there are times that you must remain still

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and also silent.

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This is a staring competition,

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with my assistant issuing a cold water punishment for blinking.

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Blink and you'll get it.

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Your silence test has begun, in three, two, one.

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Stare.

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'It's the classic silent stare-off, with water down the back

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'for the first to blink, and the rest of the team must stay quiet.

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'Kian and Chloe are first up.'

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'Intense concentration from the start, but, oh, Chloe's blinked!

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'Let's see that again. Kian disarms Chloe with a friendly smile

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'before launching a pupil-piercing attack and Chloe crumbles.

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'And here comes the water.'

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Ah-ha-ha-ha!

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'What a lot of noise!

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'That's lighting up the Gobstop 3,000 like a Christmas tree.'

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Ha-ha-ha-ha! A-agh!

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'That's got to tip Miss Gobstop over the edge.

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'Not the best of starts, but can Emma and Odhran do any better?'

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Round Two. In three, two, one, stare.

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'Icily intense eye-work from Emma.

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'And there's the blink. Let's rewind.

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'Emma's left-eye right-eye combination

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'melting Odhran's resolve. That smile won't last long.'

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ODHRAN LAUGHS

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And Odhran's laugh isn't going to help them pass, either.

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OK, stare fans, it's the final eye-off, with Emma and Kian.

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This is the final. Close your eyes.

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In three, two, one. Stare.

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'Emma launches in with a tongue attack,

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'but Kian comes back with a masterful cross-eye manoeuvre.'

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'And Emma has gone.

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'It was ice versus rock here, and Emma's tongue technique

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'blown away by the sheer force of Kian's stony squint.

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'Bam! All over.

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'And it's water time!

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'But that chuckle from Kian might mean it's fail time.'

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'Supreme silence from Emma there. Water player!

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'But is it enough to earn them a pass?'

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And now your silence test is over.

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ALL: Yes!

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At the end of that test, I can safely say,

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without a shred of a doubt, that myself and Nursie were amazing!

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Well done, Nursie. High five. Thank you.

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What about us?

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It's not for me to decide. it's up to Miss Gobstop.

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Attention, attention! This is Miss Gobstop.

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Normally, I don't hear anything during a staring contest,

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making it a favourite pastime of mine.

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But I heard gasps and shrieks of surprise.

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-Ah-ha-ha-ha! Aagh!

-Ah-ha-ha!

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Only one of you was as quiet as an icicle. Emma, the ice queen.

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Class...

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'So, have Belfast banked their second prize of the day?'

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..Failed!

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Yes! Ha-ha-ha!

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Will the new pupils please report to my office immediately?

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Au revoir, goodbye, take care.

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Thank you very much. Yes, don't drip any water anywhere. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Ahhhhh...!

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'With all their classes now complete,

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'the pupils are off to see Miss Gobstop to get their report

0:20:070:20:10

'before the Final Exam.'

0:20:100:20:12

Enter.

0:20:120:20:13

-'S up?

-What's up?

0:20:130:20:16

So, shall we take a look at your report and see how you've done?

0:20:160:20:20

Chloe, you started today as Little Miss Backchat,

0:20:200:20:23

but I saw you melted under pressure.

0:20:230:20:26

Odhran, cheeky, cheeky giggler.

0:20:290:20:31

-Kian, do you know the meaning of silence?

-Yes.

0:20:350:20:39

Ho-ho!

0:20:390:20:40

Emma, I almost forgot you were here. Your silence is quite superb.

0:20:400:20:46

I could make you the silent school captain.

0:20:460:20:50

You've passed one test today, making sure that you've banked one prize.

0:20:520:20:57

If you graduate, not only will you take home the prize,

0:20:570:21:00

but you'll also take home the ultimate reward

0:21:000:21:03

of the Golden Gobstopper.

0:21:030:21:06

If, however, you make three noises or more to set off my Gobstop 3,000,

0:21:070:21:13

you won't take any prizes home and go home with absolutely nothing.

0:21:130:21:16

So I would say, get yourself to the science lab,

0:21:160:21:21

zip it and let's see how you do.

0:21:210:21:24

-Now get out.

-Thank you.

0:21:240:21:26

Thank you. ALL: Conga, conga, conga...!

0:21:260:21:31

The conga?! The conga?!

0:21:310:21:33

'It's time for the Final Exam with the Professor.

0:21:340:21:37

'Our brave bunch from Belfast will have to face

0:21:370:21:40

'the most dastardly inventions in his lab of horrors

0:21:400:21:43

'before they can pass and claim their prizes.'

0:21:430:21:45

Ah, hello, my little giggling grasshoppers,

0:21:450:21:49

and velcome to ze laboratory.

0:21:490:21:51

I am ze Professor, and today with ze help of my assistant,

0:21:510:21:54

-Herr Helmut...

-Science ninja!

-A-agh! Get off!

0:21:540:21:57

What will happen today is I will run you through your Final Examination.

0:21:570:22:02

I will pit you against the power of my silent laboratory

0:22:020:22:06

and some of my greatest inventions.

0:22:060:22:08

However, as Fraulein Gobstopper said,

0:22:080:22:10

if you make three of ze bad noises, you will be expelled.

0:22:100:22:13

Tie your shoes, you're running a failure marathon. Ha!

0:22:130:22:16

But, if you manage to keep with the quiet - unlikely! -

0:22:160:22:20

then you will graduate and you will win ze elusive Golden Gobstopper

0:22:200:22:24

and all of ze fantastic prizes.

0:22:240:22:26

Do you think you will do it?

0:22:260:22:27

-ALL: Yes.

-Well, I don't know about that.

0:22:270:22:29

Have you ever thought of getting a bath?

0:22:290:22:32

I think you've got little rats in your hair.

0:22:320:22:34

Well, that's ironic, cos I'm going to do something to your hair

0:22:340:22:37

in a little while. Ha-ha-ha!

0:22:370:22:39

-Are you ready to commence the Final Examination?

-ALL: Yes!

0:22:390:22:42

'The Professor is determined

0:22:420:22:44

'to keep the Golden Gobstopper out of their hands. Do your vurst!'

0:22:440:22:47

We will commence in drei, zwei, eins!

0:22:470:22:52

THUNDER CLAPS

0:22:520:22:56

-Was that you?

-No, it was you!

-I did a poo.

0:22:560:22:58

Who will be first? I think it shall be you.

0:22:580:23:02

'First up is Kian.'

0:23:020:23:04

Zis is my singing chicken.

0:23:040:23:05

Oh, it is so wonderful, it sings the most wonderful...what's that?

0:23:050:23:10

You're feeling ill? Vot happened? Did you have a bad egg?

0:23:100:23:13

Oh, what, you're going to be sick? You can't be sick here!

0:23:130:23:16

But, oh, oh, ah, a-a-agh!

0:23:160:23:19

'Oh, dear. Chicken sick. That's egg-zactly what he didn't want.

0:23:190:23:23

'But he's kept quiet.'

0:23:230:23:24

Now, what do we have next? This is my magnetic pie.

0:23:240:23:30

It is attracted to the face of the child

0:23:300:23:32

that is going to make the most noise.

0:23:320:23:36

We turn the machine on.

0:23:360:23:38

Who's it going to?

0:23:390:23:42

Oh, ooh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

0:23:420:23:47

'Oh, that magnetic pie cruelly drawn to Odhran's nerves of steel,

0:23:480:23:51

'and it ends up with a messy face.'

0:23:510:23:54

I like your beard!

0:23:540:23:56

OK, who do we have next?

0:23:570:24:00

'It's Emma, the stare-off queen next.'

0:24:000:24:03

-We don't appear to have anything.

-I feel like I've got to sneeze.

0:24:030:24:06

-You vot?

-I've got a very bad cold.

-You vot?

0:24:060:24:09

-Ah-ah-ah...ah-ah-ah...

-Don't sneeze.

0:24:090:24:13

Ah-poo!

0:24:130:24:15

'Oh, not even a flinch.

0:24:160:24:18

'She's facing up to the Professor like a true champ.'

0:24:180:24:22

'Keep that up, and this class is looking at a pass.'

0:24:220:24:26

But who do we have next? For you, Chloe, something very special.

0:24:260:24:31

'What's in store for Chloe from Herr Professor?'

0:24:310:24:34

Zis is my long-distance hairdressing kit.

0:24:340:24:37

From up to six billion, billion, zillion miles,

0:24:370:24:40

I can give you a shampoo and rinse. It is wonderful.

0:24:400:24:43

Let us see if I turn it on,

0:24:430:24:45

I tried it on myself but it didn't work. I just got cooties.

0:24:450:24:48

'He may have passed 1,000 diplomas, but not one was for hairdressing.'

0:24:480:24:52

Activate!

0:24:520:24:54

'Oh, dear. A very unfashionable blue rinse for Chloe.'

0:24:540:24:57

Oh, dear. I so sorry, it seems the machine...don't worry,

0:24:570:25:00

I have a special tool here for just cleaning you up.

0:25:000:25:03

We have it here. Right, this one!

0:25:030:25:06

SPLOSH

0:25:070:25:09

'Oh, sludge a shame!'

0:25:090:25:12

Don't worry, I have another one here. This one!

0:25:120:25:14

'20 seconds left. Time for the final gunge-a-thon!'

0:25:150:25:18

Oh, OK...

0:25:200:25:22

All right, this is getting scary now.

0:25:220:25:25

'Remember, three strikes means they're expelled

0:25:250:25:28

'and go home empty-handed.'

0:25:280:25:30

'Oh, was that a noise from Chloe?'

0:25:320:25:35

That's it! Your Final Examination is over!

0:25:350:25:39

ALL: Yeah!

0:25:390:25:40

Well, my little buzzing bees,

0:25:400:25:43

how do you think you did in your Final Examination?

0:25:430:25:46

Really well, because we didn't laugh, none of us.

0:25:460:25:49

Well, if it was up to me, I don't know,

0:25:490:25:52

-I think I would have to fail you. What about you, Helmut?

-Silence!

0:25:520:25:55

Thank you for your contributions. Let us see how you have done.

0:25:550:26:00

It is only up to the glorious head teacher, Fraulein Gobstopper.

0:26:000:26:03

Gobstopper!

0:26:030:26:05

'The team have failed two classes and passed one,

0:26:050:26:07

'so with the prize and the Golden Gobstopper at stake,

0:26:070:26:10

'will they pass the Final Exam and graduate?'

0:26:100:26:12

How did meine guinea pigs do?

0:26:120:26:16

Hmm. Your Final Examination is over.

0:26:160:26:20

The Gobstop 3,000 has spoken.

0:26:200:26:24

You...

0:26:260:26:27

..have...

0:26:300:26:32

..graduated!

0:26:330:26:34

ALL: Ye-a-a-ah!

0:26:340:26:36

'It's victory for the team from Belfast.

0:26:360:26:38

'They've won the Golden Gobstopper. So just how did that happen?'

0:26:380:26:41

'Despite the Professor throwing everything at them,

0:26:440:26:46

'they did a sterling job of staying silent.

0:26:460:26:49

'Apart from one mini-snigger from Chloe.

0:26:490:26:52

'So with only one strike on the Gobstop 3,000,

0:26:520:26:56

'they passed the Final Exam and will go home with a prize

0:26:560:27:00

'and the Golden Gobstopper.'

0:27:000:27:03

I'm very amazed that you've managed to keep it shut

0:27:050:27:09

during the Final Exam.

0:27:090:27:11

I congratulate you.

0:27:110:27:12

Please take the Golden Gobstopper on behalf of the team.

0:27:120:27:16

Spread the silence throughout your schools and get out.

0:27:160:27:20

I really don't want to see you anymore. Get out.

0:27:200:27:23

Go on. Clear off. That's it.

0:27:230:27:24

ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

0:27:240:27:26

ALL: A-a-a-a-agh!

0:27:260:27:28

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:300:27:33

ALL: A-a-agh! Woo!

0:27:330:27:35

ALL: Yea-a-a-ah!

0:27:430:27:45

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