Episode 18 School of Silence

Welcome to the School Of Silence.

This is where the noisiest children go to prove they can keep quiet.

Argh!!!

Ha ha ha!

We are about to meet four new arrivals

but can they keep quiet for just one day?

Oh-hoo, I doubt it!

BELL RINGS

HE PARPS

RATTLING

Shhh!

TAPPING

HE GULPS

BELL RINGS

CHILDREN STAMPEDE SCREAMING

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes to prove they can be silent.

Followed by the crucial final exam which will determine

whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If I think the pupils manage to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they will bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

But if I think they are being too noisy...

-Bag it!

-Argh!

-Ha ha ha.

-Urgh!

-Ha ha hah.

..they will get nothing and I will know about it thanks to this device.

The Gobstop 3000.

The very latest in noise monitoring technology.

If they pass the final exam they will take all the prizes

they have banked and receive the ultimate reward.

The Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep that shut I will have no choice

but to expel them and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

These ear-popping pupils are from Newcastle

and are having noise levels assessed by our magnificent

head teacher Miss Gobstop and their form tutor, Mr Gross.

You! Step forward!

-Name?

-Logan!

Logan once got a fright when his friend accidentally trumped.

You could say their pump made him jump and gave him the hump.

KIDS CHEER

You! Step forward! Name!

Callum!

Callum says the loudest noise he's ever made

was a scream after his sore to what trodden on.

An incredible feat. Get it? Feet? I'll move on!

-You! Step forward! Name?

-Callie!

Callie's said the funniest noise she's ever hear was when she put

a Woopie Cushion on her gran's chair.

What Gran said next wasn't funny at all.

You! Step forward!

-Name?

-Lauren!

Lauren says loud laughter is her favourite noise which is lucky

as she once fell in a pond when feeding the ducks.

Quack, quack! Oops!!!

KIDS SHOUT AND CHEER

Get out! Get out! That's enough!

CHEERING

Go!

It's time for the first class of the day. General studies with Mr Gross.

Nothing disgusts Mr Gross like noisy children

and nothing disgusts noisy children like Mr Gross.

But can the new pupils bank their first prize of the day?

HE BURPS

Oh, really, Mr Gross! That is gross!

HE BURPS AGAIN

Coming! Coming!

-Do come in!

-Yeah!

-Phew!

-This is disgusting!

-Well, I...

GIGGLING

What on earth was that about?

Goodness gracious me!

-You're a noisy lot. I can tell.

-Phew.

-What?

-Stinks, man!

-Sorry?

When's the last time you had a bath?

When was the last time I had a bath?

I don't have the calendar handy but I think I last had a bath in 1984.

Right!

I am Mr Gross. Your general studies teacher.

If you want to pass this school you've got to be quiet.

You're louder than us!

You've got to be silent. Yes. But I'm trying to instruct you.

I'm not telepathic.

Don't bug me, you'll come to grief. Anyway, listen.

You need to work as a team and try and be silent but do you know what?

-I don't think you can do it.

-We can.

-I don't believe it, Callum.

-We can.

Right!

It's time, high time, for your first silent test.

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

-Yes!

Now. The lesson today is media studies.

I'm going to show you a selection of show offs from the media.

Each one is going to do a bottom burp.

All you have to do is tell me if the pumps

are going to be shorter or longer. Very simple.

But as this is a silent test I don't want you shouting out your answers.

Which is why I've got these convenient paddles for you

to indicate what you think is correct.

If you get the answer wrong you'll be forced to have a whiff

with from the guff jar.

Shhh!

So, guessing the length of celebrity trumps in absolute silence.

Who's up first?

Your silent test begins.

Oh, it's Simon 'air current' Cowell. Has he got the eggs factor?

TRUMPING

A superb silent opening from the pupils.

So, who's competing with the Cowell crump?

Oh, it's Lady Gaga. Lauren's up first.

Ah, she thinks the Gaga guff will be longer than Simon Cowell's

PARP

Parp-arazzi, she's right!

Lauren gags a giggle and doesn't let out a peep. Nice work.

Correct. It was a longer trump from Lady Gaga.

So, who will trump the Gaga pump?

Oh, it's Harry Hill.

Callum's gone for shorter. Is he right?

There's only one way to find out.

TRUMPET

It's shorter. What are the chances of that?

The team is keeping incredibly quiet so far.

Can they keep it up with the next celebrity quacker?

It's David 'bottom-burp it like' Beckham.

Callie's gone for longer.

TRUMP

She's got it right and in silence. Miss Gobstop is on cloud nine.

Mr Gross has one last pump up his sleeve. Who will it be?

It's Beyonce 'should have put a peg on it' Knowles.

And Logan has plumped for a longer pump.

Can he make it four correct guesses in a row and stay silent?

EXTENDED GASSY EMISSION

Oh, Logan is keeping cool under extreme provocation

but someone's giggling and it's not Miss Gobstop.

Was Logan right?

You're correct.

Oh, incredible!

That's the first time ever that each pupil has predicted the next

trump correctly. Oh, skill.

You did well. But... We can't let this go to waste.

I think it's important that you learn what they smell like.

This is breaking all the rules.

Mr Gross is desperate to break these pupils and get them to make a noise.

They are having a good sniff. But will they crack?

I can smell that thing from here! Goodness me, but they stay silent.

Amazing control.

OK. Whoo! The silent test is over.

PUPILS CHEER

I don't know how you did.

I suspect you sniggered throughout that and maybe got heard

but if it did get heard it would have got heard by Miss Gobstop.

So, she'll tell us whether you've passed or failed.

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

Lauren, clearly trying very hard to stay silent

but a few quacks did escape.

Callie and Logan. Perfect students.

Class...

So, did the team trump Mr Gross in that class

and bank their first prize?

..passed. All CHEER

Don't believe it! You passed.

But you'll come unstuck. I know you will.

You've got noise in you, I can tell. Now get out of my classroom!

Quietly!

CHILDREN WHOOP AND CHEER

Shush! Shush!

Go!

-Woo!

-We passed!

-We passed!

CHEERING

We all got the cards right in the game

and we still had to smell the toxics.

It smelt like rotten old cheese from like 19 odd.

-Bleaurgh.

-Shhh!

'Attention, attention, this is the... could some...

'computer literate please come to my... immediately.'

My personal computer is... very...

..thank you.

-Shhh.

-It's time for Class 2. Geography with Miss Adventure.

The only teacher that can quite literally see eye to eye

with her pupils.

This tiny traveller will be hellbent on denying the team

their second prize of the day.

-Come in young rovers.

-Wooh! Yeah!

-Come in.

Take a seat. Close the door for me.

Morning young adventurers. How are you?

-Great.

-Lovely.

I'm Miss Adventure, the geography teacher.

What's with the braces?

The braces are there so I can do this. You see?

That's an international sign for hello.

And I salute. Everyone salute me.

That's rather half-hearted.

So, I've got a silence test for you today

and I think it's going to defeat you.

It's going to defeat you. It's going to defeat you.

-It's going to defeat you.

-No it's not!

-And I'm very excited. So.

-No, no, no.

-Let my silence test begin.

-Shhh!

-Every adventurer needs to learn how to blend in

and that means camouflage.

Camouflage and silence.

Now the silence part is up to you

but I'm going to camouflage you and you have to keep quiet.

Do you think you'll be able to?

Will you be able to stay silent?

CHILDREN CHEER

I don't think you'll be able to stay silent, I am going to paint you all.

SHE GRUNTS AND GROANS

So remember, you need to stay silent.

Let the silence test commence.

So, Miss Adventure will use all her play paints

and camouflage skills to make the pupils invisible.

But can they hide their noise and pass this test?

Remember, Miss Adventure is a trained professional

so don't try this at home.

Lauren's keeping schtum.

Miss Adventure is an expert in camouflage.

There are 14 other people in this room but thanks to her,

you can't see them.

This is incredible sustained silence from the team.

Breathtaking.

Where's Callie gone? Oh, there she is!

I've got to blend in with the background.

Oh, no. Logan won't be broken that easily.

Bring on the muddy gunge.

Going to get some mud there.

Make sure you can't see.

Miss Adventure's got Logan gasping! Will that cost them a prize?

Smile all you like Callum, but now you're in trouble!

Miss Adventure's going free-form!

You'll have to do better to break these pupils, Miss Adventure!

Perhaps the gooey green slime will do the job? Oh!

Incredible silent work from the whole team so far.

Miss Gobstop is loving it!

Miss Adventure is really going for it. She's having an art attack!

Goodness me, this is quite extraordinary!

I think these silent kids have pushed Miss Adventure over the edge!

She just can't break them!

Oh, but was that a grunt from Logan?

What's that? Oh, it's Lauren!

Miss Adventure has given it everything, but the team have completely broken her.

Your silence test is over.

CHEERING

It's up to Miss Gobstop whether or not you've passed the class.

Attention! Attention!

This is Miss Gobstop.

Logan, that was a brush with failure.

Callum, Callie,

Lauren, I couldn't hear you. Were you there?

Class...

I think the team utterly crushed Miss Adventure.

Surely there's a prize in the bag?

..passed!

CHEERING

That's for hitting me in the face!

Get out! Get out!

Go on, get out!

Go! Just go!

-We passed!

-We passed!

Miss Gobstop said that me and Lauren,

she couldn't see or hear us.

And our plan is...

-stay quiet.

-And win!

-Shhhh!

Meanwhile, in the school's hamster cage...

'Do you do crosswords, Judy?

'Do you?

'Three across, seven letters.

'The School of blank.

'Silence! Brilliant!'

It's time for Class 3. Performing arts with Mr Prance.

If the pupils pass his class, one thing is certain.

He will make a song and dance about it - in silence.

So, our noisy pupils have passed two classes.

Can they make it three in a row?

Enter!

-It's a pleasure to meet you.

-Good to meet you too.

-Take a seat, take a seat.

-March, two, three, four...

Wonderful.

Now, I am Mr Prance, your performance arts teacher.

-Can we call you Prancey?

-Can you call me Prancey?

-Can I call you Beardy?

-No.

-No.

Today, you are about to witness my greatest role.

Now, on with my silent test.

This is your ballet class.

This class will show that you have grace,

elegance, but most of all, silence.

Now remember, every move you make

will be in my special designed ballet shoes.

Your silent test will begin now.

Raise.

So the pupils must follow Mr Prance's lead

through a four stage dance routine,

wearing squeaky ballet shoes. Can they keep quiet?

Stage one. Squats.

Mr Prance is a perfectionist.

Oh, but Lauren's giggle was far from a perfect start.

Logan's clearly enjoying this test...in silence.

That's more like it.

Mr Prance is ramping up the difficulty levels.

He is desperate to break them.

Time for Stage Two - sidesteps.

Oh, Lauren's stifling a giggle. Impressive.

A lot of squeaks from the special shoes

but they've kept their mouths shut.

They must really want those prizes.

It's time for Stage Three

and Mr Prance is upping the ante with a side-swoop.

STIFLED LAUGH

Oh, great silent giggle, Logan, but he's dropped his wand. Calamity!

-Callie steps in to save the day.

-LOGAN GIGGLES QUIETLY

But Logan's let out a giggle. Oh, dear!

It's the final stage and time for him to pull out all the stops.

Can they stay silent?

Prance's dance has got them giggling.

Will it be enough to see them fail?

We're into the final 15 seconds now.

This is brutal. Mr Prance is piling on the pressure.

-And the silent test is complete. Cut!

-Yay!

CALLUM: I think we failed there!

Now, personally, I thought that I was brilliant.

But it's not up to me to decide whether you've passed or failed.

Miss Gobstop will be letting you know how you've fared.

Attention, attention This is Miss Gobstop.

Callie - you were a silent dancer, not bad.

Lauren - giggling and hooting. Hmm.

SHE GIGGLES

Logan - a fine mover, if not a little giggly.

Class... Did the team squeak through and bank their third prize?

Failed!

-Oh, no!

-Yes! I am the Lord Of The Dance.

-Can the new pupils report to my office immediately!

-Yes.

Out you go. Au revoir, bye-bye.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

With classes now complete, the pupils are off to see Miss Gobstop to get their report

before the final exam.

Enter.

-So, you've had three classes.

-Yes, and I didn't make a sound.

Your silent discipline almost impresses me.

Logan, you might be light on your feet but you are heavy on my ears.

Pfff!

HE GIGGLES

Lauren - chuckling, giggling, what's next?

FART NOISE

SHE GIGGLES

-Callum.

-Aye.

-Yes. You have a habit of talking in class.

-Aye.

I think we failed there!

So, you've passed two classes, that means you've banked two prizes

from the Confiscation Cupboard.

But before you even think about getting your noisy little hands on the Golden Gobstopper,

you're going to have to pass the Final Exam

which is in the Science Lab. If you are silent through the Final Exam,

not only will you graduate,

-you will leave with the prizes that you've banked and...

-The Golden Gobstopper.

The Golden Gobstopper. Well done, Callie.

-But...

-Who does your hair?

-..if you fail the Final Exam,

you'll be expelled and will receive absolutely nothing.

-But...

-No buts.

-But we will get something?

-You'll get nothing.

When I say nothing, I mean nothing. Nothing is zero, zilch, nada.

So good luck, get out, go!

-Quickly.

-Bossy-boots!

-Yes, takes one to know one, Callie. Out!

-No, it doesn't.

DOOR SLAMS Oh!

SHHHH!

It's time for the Final Exam with the Professor.

His laugh-out-loud laboratory has one purpose - to get the pupils

to make three noises and lose all their prizes.

This madcap scientist is on a mission

to stop these pupils from graduating. Bring it on!

GERMAN ACCENT: Hallo, children,

-and velcome to your Final Examination.

-Hello.

I am the Professor. Today viz the help of my assistant, Herr Helmut...

"Jahwohl!" ..and all the latest in silent science

here in my laboratory ve vill be... testing you. "Experimenting!"

Ve vill be experimenting to see if you have learned ze quiet, ja?

Vot vill happen in your Final Examination,

I vill pit you against my latest experiments.

However, if you make three of ze bad, bad noises,

you vill fail. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

But if you manage to keep vith ze quiet,

you vill graduate and vin all of ze amazing prizes

including ze elusive Golden Gobstopper.

-Are you up for that?

-Yes.

Let us make silent science! Ha, ha, ha!

PUPPET COUGHS

Shut up!

Right. Ve'll go vith ze first vone of my latest inventions.

-It's Lauren to go first.

-It is an amazing mind-reading helmet.

Vot I do is I put it on vone of my subjects and you are able

to read your mind. Are you ready? Here ve go.

There ve go. I can read your mind just now.

It's, "My hair is very dirty, I vont to marry Logan."

I hear lots of crazy sings in your head. Oh!

Vell, ve'll go onto ze next vone.

Ooh, she's not happy but she is silent,

despite her helmet full of slime.

-For you, my dear, somesing very, very special.

-Oh, it's Callie next.

I have been keeping zis secret for quite some time.

It is my invisible cloak.

Look...ha! You cannot see me, you have no idea where I am.

You have no... Get in here, Herr Helmut! Here ve go. Can you see me?

Oh, look, I am so invisible! "Ve are so invisible!"

You are vondering how zis pie is floating on its own.

-She's nervous.

-Oooh, ooh... Ah, look at zat!

But silent - excellent stuff!

Who did zat? Zat was a total mystery.

-Logan's in the hotseat next.

-Ve go onto ze next vone.

Ha, zis is for you.

Vot we will do is it is my amazing time-freezing machine.

It freezes time. One, two, three... Freeze!

Vot's happened? It didn't vurk. Vy didn't it freeze ti...

Oh, I'd rather have that.

Oh, will Callie's talking be the team's first strike?

Remember, three strikes and they go home with nothing.

But Logan won't be broken so easily. What a guy!

PROFESSOR GASPS

Vot happened to you? You're an awful mess, Logan.

You should really learn to blow your nose.

Finally, what's in store for Callum?

Ze final vone, and perhaps my greatest work ever, is zis.

Ha! It is my antigravity paint.

Vot I do is I paint above you and it floats.

Ha, ha! It is vonderful. It floats, it makes no mess at all!

Finally, finally I have somesing zat vurks. Finally...

Oh, a big surprise for Callie but she stayed silent. Awesome!

Ze aim of zis is off, I'm so sorry about zis. Don't vorry.

I get you clean, I have a special lever here for cleaning you up.

Zis vone.

Ah, the clever professor has done the math.

More slime equals less silence.

I'm making you so messy. I try zis... I try zem all.

-LOGAN GROANS

-A shocked shriek from Logan but was it a strike?

Just 15 seconds to go.

Can they keep quiet under this torrent of slime?

Right, zat is it. Your Final Examination is over!

CHILDREN SCREAM AND WHOOP

Shush! Vell, how do you sink you did? Did you sqveak, did you sqvawk?

I sink you made lots of ze dirty pigeon noises

but it is not up to me if you should fail,

it is up to ze beautiful Fraulein Gobschtoppen,

ze headteacher, vether or not you vill vin ze prizes or you shall be

expelled from ze School Of Silence. Frau Gobschtopper?

Well, Logan.

Giggled. Callie, very disappointed.

You will...

-..Graduate!

-Yay!

-Whoo!

TEACHERS COMPLAIN

Yay!

Great stuff and the team of joyous Geordies

are clearly delighted to have graduated. Let's have a look

at how they did it. Callie was talking.

Oh, I'd rather have that.

ALARM

And Logan was shocked into a yelp.

Aww!

ALARM

But Lauren and Callum kept silent throughout

so with only two strikes, it's a spectacular graduation.

And now get out. Out!

CHILDREN SCREAM

Move, get out of here!

Whoo!

SCREAMING

-Yeah!

-Yay!

-Whoo!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd