Episode 17 School of Silence

Welcome to the School of Silence, where the noisiest children

are sent to prove they CAN keep quiet.

Eurgh!

THEY CHUCKLE

We're about to meet four new arrivals,

but can they keep quiet for just one day?

Ho-ho, I doubt it!

DOOR BANGS

Ssh!

Ssh!

BELL RINGS, CHILDREN SCREAM

Here's how the day works...

The new pupils have three challenging classes

to prove they can be silent, followed by the crucial Final Exam,

which will determine whether they graduate, or will be expelled.

If I think the pupils manage to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they will bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

But if I think they are being too noisy...

SHE YELLS

-Eurgh!

-HE LAUGHS

Agh!

HE CHUCKLES

..they will get nothing.

And I WILL know about it, thanks to this device -

the Gobstop 3000, the very latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass the Final Exam,

they will take all the prizes they have banked

and receive the ultimate reward - the Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep that shut,

I will have no choice but to expel them,

and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

These mouthy munchkins are from Manchester, and are having

their noise levels monitored by our head teacher Miss Gobstop,

and their new form tutor Mr Gross.

You, step forward!

-Name?

-IMAN!

Iman claims she once screamed so loudly that her friend got a fright

and fell into a swimming pool.

Apparently, her friend was five miles away! Now, that's loud!

-You, name?

-MOLLY!

If Molly could only make one sound all day, it would be armpit pumps.

What a very strange day that would be!

Thank goodness she can't!

You, step forward.

-Name?

-SAFFI!

Saffi says the loudest noise she's ever made is a high-pitched squeal.

I think she may have just broken her record. What a racket!

-You, name?

-Nour!

Nattering Nour reckons the funniest noise she's heard

is her sister singing.

Maybe she should listen to herself!

-Shall we get rid of them?

-Yes. Out!

-OK.

Get out!

Enough!

THEY YELL

It's time for their first class - General Studies with Mr Gross.

This rotten teacher can really kick up a stink

if he doesn't get what he wants.

Silence!

Oh, Mr Gross! Now, wash your hands.

Come in.

THEY YELL

Quietly. Quietly, please!

Sit down. Sit down, sit down.

What's your name - Mr Stink A Lot?

Mr Stink A Lot retired several years ago.

-I don't know why you're expecting him.

-Or is he you?

Mr Gross.

-ALL:

-Eurgh!

You're so noisy your whole lives, and now you've been brought to

the School of Silence to prove that you, you,

you and you can be quiet.

We've got an on and off switch.

-We can be quiet and loud whenever we want.

-Well, then, try "off".

It might do you some good. Remember, you know who's listening

on your fluffy microphones the whole time -

our glorious headmistress Miss Fluna Gobstop.

She's listening and she'll be the judge of you.

Do you think you can be quiet?

-ALL:

-No!

-Unless when we want to be.

-OK. Well, let's find out.

It's time for your first silence test,

on the subject of Media Studies.

So, what I'm going to do is show you a selection of celebrities.

Each celebrity will do a trump - a bottom burp.

You must tell me, quite simply,

if the next celebrity in line is going to do a shorter

or a longer bottom burp.

And if you get it wrong, there is the little punishment...

of the guff jar.

And I tell you what - in here are some really choice trumps.

Your silent test begins...now.

So, guessing the length of celebrity trumps in absolute silence.

Who's up first?

It's Jessie J.

PARP!

Molly nearly cracked there, but managed to hold it in.

Who's competing with Jessie J's bottom burp?

It's Daniel Radcliffe.

Molly's clearly a fan, and cheers in complete silence. Nice work!

Can she keep quiet when she hears a Potter pump?

So...is it going to be

shorter or longer?

Nour thinks that the Potter pump will be shorter.

LONG TRUMP

Expelliarmus! Nour's wrong - it was longer.

Will Nour remain silent when she gets a lungful of the guff jar?

You got it wrong. (You know what that means.)

That jar is a humdinger. Nour is doing well to keep it down.

-Miss Gobstop is clearly impressed.

-Next...

So, who's going to trump the Potter pump?

It's Katy "Pumping" Perry.

Saffi's gone shorter.

Perry, do your worst.

EXTENDED TRUMP

Wrong again. So, Saffi has to face the stink jar.

The girls all know what's coming, but will the pong set Saffi off?

You know what you did, don't you? (Got it wrong.)

SHE GAGS

She sniffed a jar and didn't like it,

but only a small noise there.

Can Mr Gross make these girls crack?

-You smelt that all right.

-It's Molly next.

So, whose pump will trump the Perry parp?

It's Craig Revel Horwood.

Molly's going for shorter. Will she be

the first to get it right?

(Are you sure?)

Take it away, Craig.

SHORT PARP

Unbelievable! She's right. It was shorter. Short, but not sweet.

This lot have their eyes on the prize and aren't making a peep.

This is quality stuff.

Mr Gross has one last pump up his sleeve.

Who will it be?

Bibbin' Bieber!

Last up is Iman.

HE MOUTHS

Ooh, she's gone shorter.

But will Bieber's bottom quacks prove to be as short as he is?

Hit it, JB!

LINGERING TRUMP

TRUMP CONTINUES

She's wrong - it was longer.

Brilliant silence from Iman in the face of Bieber's guff-a-thon.

But she pays the penalty for a wrong guess

and must face the pot of putrid pumps.

(You got it wrong, Iman.)

Mr Gross trying to break them, and Molly nearly went there.

GAGGING

Will that stifled gagging cost the team a prize? Let's find out.

Your silent test is over.

THEY CHEER

It doesn't matter what you think.

It's all about what Miss Gobstop says.

-Yeah, cos you fancy her.

-Shush!

You'll come to grief.

She knows whether you've passed your silent test

or whether you have failed.

'Attention, attention.'

This is Miss Gobstop.

'You weren't very good at guessing at trumps,

'resulting in whiffing the jar three times.'

Class...

So, did the pupils manage to hold it in

and bank their first prize of the day?

'..passed.'

THEY CHEER

Clear off. Don't cheer! Get out of my class.

Yeah, we passed, and we're going to pass the next one, too!

-Yeah, well, we'll see about that, won't we?

-Yes, we will.

-Go on...

Off you go.

THEY CHEER

Good riddance!

-We passed!

-We passed in Mr Gross's class.

I nearly popped my face out because I kept on trying to giggle.

We're going to pass the next class, too!

And we're going to pass them all!

THEY CHEER

MISS GOBSTOP: 'Attention, attention. This is the School of Silence.

'Good luck to the School of Silence choir in the inter-schools

'choral competition.'

They'll certainly need it!

It's time for Class 2 - Geography, with Miss Adventure.

She may be tiny but her tests are massively difficult.

Can the new pupils pass her class

and bank their second prize of the day?

Come in, young roamers. Come in.

Ha-ha-ha! You never knew I was there. It was camouflage!

Welcome, young roamers. My name is Miss Adventure.

I'm the geography teacher. Nice to see you all today.

Hello, Molly. You want to be an explorer, don't you?

-Do you think you could learn a lot from me?

-No, not really.

-I don't think so, either.

-Right.

I understand you passed Mr Gross's class. Did you pass?

-Do you think you'll be able to stay silent in my class?

-Yes.

-At least it's cleaner in here.

-You're going to pass it, are you?

Well, I don't think you are

because I've got a fiendish test that's going to defeat you.

# It's going to defeat you It's going to defeat you

# It's going to defeat you. #

-Can you please stop that?

-Let's take my silence test outside.

Every explorer needs a good sense of direction and,

with the help of my brother and sister,

we're going to test that, and your ability to stay silent.

You've got to make your way across this swamp,

as quickly and quietly as you possibly can.

If you step off this line, you'll hear the noise of the jungle.

LOUD ROAR

That's very angry, people. Think you can stay silent?

-ALL:

-Yes!

-No, I don't think...

I think this is going to get them, don't you, brother and sister?

I think it is. So, everyone, positions, please. Lovely.

Now, Saffi, you're going to be up first.

So, let the silence test commence.

So, Miss Adventure's brother will spin the pupils,

making them very dizzy.

They must then make their way through the jungle

in absolute silence.

It's Saffi to go first. Ready, steady...

Whoopsie!

MOLLY GIGGLES

Molly really can't hold her laughs in.

Miss Gobstop clearly upset with the noise.

ROAR!

It's Nour next.

Her dizzy feet have got the jungle roaring, but she has kept quiet.

Superb work!

Iman is next to get spun.

ROAR!

Some fancy footwork from Iman,

but her dizzy moves are impressively silent.

Footloose, but liplocked.

Last up, it's motormouth Molly.

Will she be able to hold her giggles in?

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, crash, bang, chuckle! She's all over the place.

Will those giggles cost the team a prize?

ROAR!

She's really struggling to keep her feet and her silence.

Has Molly thrown it all away?

That's it. That's my silent test complete.

THEY CHEER

Well, er, I heard, I think, quite a lot of noise.

Molly, you fell over completely there, didn't you?

Never going to be an explorer

if you don't have sure little feet like mine.

I don't think you did very well, but it's not up to me.

It's up to Miss Gobstop.

Let's find out what she thought about your performance.

'Attention, attention.'

This is Miss Gobstop.

'Molly, you giggled like a hyena throughout the test.'

Class...

Were the pupils too noisy,

or did they keep quiet enough to bank their second prize of the day?

..failed.

THEY GROAN

Well, it doesn't matter because we're going to pass the next task.

That's a shame for you. Anyway, we've had enough. Get out.

No! Actually, we ARE out. We'll get out.

Yeah, good riddance.

Go away. We don't ever want to see you again.

It's not fair. We failed! It's not fair.

Miss Gobstop said I giggled the most

and it was really disappointing, cos I fell over. Grr!

-We're going to pass next time, though.

-And the next!

THEY CHEER

Oh, yeah? Meanwhile, in the school's hamster cage...

You know what you are, Judy? You're the opposite of an owl.

Because you never give a hoot - he-he - or make any noise at all.

You're so boring, Judy. Speak to me, Judy.

Speak to me, speak to me.

Please yourself. Tch!

Halfway through the day means it's Class 3 -

Performing Arts with Mr Prance.

He may dance and sing, but you wouldn't hear a thing.

But can our pupils bank a second silent prize?

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in, come in.

-Oh, hello, Mr Prance.

-Hello, yes, take a seat, take a seat.

You're about to learn something. You'll see greatness at work. Watch.

-Rubbish.

-Amazing. Amazing.

-Perfect!

Now, how have you done so far today?

-Well, we passed one and we failed one.

-Why did you fail one?

-I fell over.

-It was really hard.

-It was really hard?

Well, if you think that was hard...

HE CHUCKLES

-..you are definitely going to be failing this class.

-Yeah, right!

Really? You think you can test me?

-Yeah!

-I think you'll find I'm here to test you.

Be ready, now, for the silence test.

This class will show that you have grace,

elegance but, most of all, silence.

Now, remember, every move you make

will be in my special-designed ballet shoes.

And your silence test begins now.

In this test, the pupils are wearing

ballet shoes fitted with squeaky heels.

Mr Prance will take them through a three-stage dance routine,

designed to break them.

Can they stay silent throughout?

First stage - warm-ups.

SQUEAKING

Oh, a smooth and silent start from our little ballerinas.

Excellent work.

Miss Gobstop seems more than satisfied.

SQUEAKING

A couple of squeaks from the special shoes there,

but they've managed to keep their mouths shut.

They must really want those prizes.

SQUEAKING

It's time for stage two - the side steps.

They're doing incredibly well -

this is an awe-inspiring display of silence.

Miss Gobstop is delighted.

But Mr Prance is far from happy.

It's the final stage, and time for him to pull out all the stops.

Can they stay silent?

We're into the final 30 seconds.

Oh, Mr Prance, do your dance.

Squeaky shoes, but not a peep from the girls.

SQUEAKING

Utter controlled silence.

They are making a silent mockery of Mr Prance.

And your silence test is complete. Cut.

THEY YELL

Well...I don't know what to say.

You sounded like a herd of elephants running through a crisp factory.

But it is not for me to decide whether you have passed or failed.

Miss Gobstop has been listening, and she will give you the results.

'Attention, attention!'

This is Miss Gobstop.

'During the test, all your shoes were "poot, poot, poot"

'but were you quiet enough, like a ballerina?'

Class...

Did the team squeak through and bank their second prize?

'..passed.'

THEY CHEER

-In your face!

-In MY face?!

-Not your dainty little feet, your face.

Ooh!

-ALL:

-Ooh(!)

'This is Miss Gobstop.

'Will the new pupils please report to my office immediately?'

-Yes, get out. Out, out, out!

-Good riddance.

Yes, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Ah, ah-ah-ah!

With classes now complete, the pupils are off to see Miss Gobstop

-to get their report before the Final Exam.

-Enter!

THEY CHEER

So...you were sent here because you're all far too noisy.

I put you through the toughest tests. How did we do?

Let me have a look at your report card.

Nour, Iman, Saffi...

very impressed. Nearly forgot you were there.

Well done.

SQUEAKING

And Molly...

you are definitely the queen of cackle.

SHE CHUCKLES

Of the three classes you've taken, you've passed two.

Therefore you have two prizes banked.

But you will not receive those prizes unless you pass the Final Exam.

And if you pass, you'll take home all your prizes and you'll graduate,

and receive the ultimate reward - the Golden Gobstop.

So, off we go.

THEY YELL

It's now time for the Final Exam with the Professor.

His diabolical experiments and wicked inventions

are all that's standing between our new pupils and their prizes.

The Prof will do all he can to ensure that these girls

from Manchester go home empty-handed.

OK, Professor, do your worst.

Ah, Guten Tag, Kinder, and welcome to ze Final Examination.

I am ze Professor and today, with ze help of my assistant, Herr Helmut...

Arf, arf, arf! Check me out, I'm a sausage dog!

Quiet, you fool. Today, we will be going through your Final Examination,

where we will be experimenting,

to see if you have learned the silence, ja?

What's going to happen is, I will pit you against my latest experiment.

However, if you make three of ze bad, bad noises, you will be expelled.

And eat the failure cake. Ha!

But if you manage to keep it ze quiet, then you will graduate

and you win all of Frau Gobstopper's amazing prizes.

Now, ze beautiful Fraulein Gobstopper shall be listening in to your little

dirty noises via the Gobstopping 3000, to see if you will fail.

-And you WILL fail.

-No, we won't.

-No, we won't!

They sound confident.

They do sound confident, but they always do. Ha-ha-ha! Quiet, you fool.

Now, we will commence the experimentation

in drei... zwei...

EINS!

Ah, ha-ha-ha! Quiet! OK. Now, this is my latest invention.

This is animal pie.

It is mostly made out of pigeon juice and some panda doo-doo.

It's Saffi up first.

Mm? Perhaps a taste. Ha-ha-ha!

Bam! Flan straight in the face.

Ugh!

And a whimper from Saffi. Ooh, was that their first strike?

Very, very confident.

Perhaps you would like to go up against Herr Helmut.

He is the stare-out champion of Germany. He can stare out anyone.

Look into his eyes.

What's in store for Nour?

What is wrong? I'm going to sneeze. You're going to sneeze?

Ah...ah...

Nour ignores the spray string, making the Professor look silly.

Great work.

Oh, that is quite a cold you have.

Hmm. Who shall we go with next?

Ah, you.

Iman's in the hotseat next.

And I have created perhaps my greatest work.

Ze mind-reading helmet. It will read ze mind of anyone.

Are you ready?

Let's see if it fits.

Molly grappling with a giggle, but Iman suffering in silence.

Magnificent self-control.

Can the Professor break giggler Molly

with one of the world's worst smells?

Mr Gross's sock. Agh, this is horrible.

HE WHIMPERS

Oh! Oh, look at it - it is trying to attack you. Oh!

What do you think?

Your hand, it smells. I know.

What is wrong?

I'm going to be sick.

Well, don't be... Don't be sick over...

HE RETCHES

Molly definitely wasn't expecting that.

I am so sorry. I forgot that is the tube to the machine.

Do not worry - I have ze green machine here. It will clean you up.

Let me see... Ah, yes.

Oh, dear. Now they're in trouble.

The Professor's machine has gone gunge-tastic!

Ah!

Molly desperately trying to keep quiet,

but her gasp could be a strike.

Remember, three and they're out.

Ooh, just 15 seconds to go.

If the Professor's computations are correct,

this final barrage of sludge will break their resolve.

I cannot find the lever. And your final examination is over!

-Yay!

-Waaaa-aaaargh!

So, how do you think you did?

Did you make any noise? I think you did.

If it was up to me and Herr Helmut, you would fail instantly.

But I do not decide.

Ze beautiful Fraulein Gobstopper will come in to see

whether or not you have passed or whether or not you have failed.

You would not have passed if it was up to me. My glorious head teacher?

(Oh, you're in for it now.)

Right.

After consulting my Gobstop 3000,

I have the following to report...

-Molly...

-Hello.

You just couldn't keep it shut, could you?

All day long, backchatting every single one of my teachers.

-Yep.

-It's not good.

-Yes, it is.

-Silence...

-Is golden, isn't it, Saffi?

Unfortunately, I have the following to tell you.

You...

will...

-..graduate.

-THEY CHEER

You make so much noise!

Oh, great stuff, and the girls are clearly delighted to have graduated.

Let's have a look at how they did it.

Saffi let out a muffled murmur.

Ugh!

And there was a shocked yelp from Molly.

Oh!

But Iman and Nour remained totally silent so,

with only two strikes, it's a fantastic pass.

You have graduated. You may go to the confiscation cupboard,

choose your banked prizes and finally...

get out of my school!

-THEY CHEER

-Now, go.

Get out!

THEY ARGUE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

THEY CHEER