Episode 16 School of Silence

Welcome to the School Of Silence.

This is where the noisiest children

are sent to prove they can keep quiet.

HE SCREAMS

We are about to meet four new arrivals,

but can they keep quiet for just one day?

I doubt it.

Shh.

Shh.

BELL RINGS

Here's how the day works -

the new pupils have three challenging classes to prove they can be silent.

Followed by the final exam which will determine

whether they graduate or are expelled.

If I think the pupils managed to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..they will bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

If I think they are being too noisy...

SCREAMING

LAUGHTER

..They will get nothing and I will know about it thanks to this device,

the Gobstop 3000.

The very latest in noise monitoring technology.

If they pass the final exam, they will take all the prizes they have

banked and receive the ultimate reward, the Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep that shut, I will have no choice

but to expel them and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

This loud Leeds lot are having their noise levels

monitored by headteacher Miss Gobstop and form tutor Mr Gross.

If this demonstration is anything to go by,

this is going to be one noisy day.

You, step forward!

-Name?

-ADAM!

Adam loves martial arts and the roar of the crowd at football matches.

He says he is most proud of the time he burped so loudly, it echoed.

Hmm, nice.

-You, step forward. Name?

-SALMAN!

Keen golfer Salman wants to be a teacher when he's older

and loves playing his recorder really loudly.

Will his performance today hit the right note?

You, step forward. Name?

PARIS-MARIE!

Paris-Marie wants to be a builder when she's older,

but can she build a foundation of silence today

and keep Miss Gobstop from barking at her?

You, step forward. Name?

UPINDER!

Upinder loves singing and dancing.

The noise he hates most in the whole world is snoring.

No chance of any shut-eye with this noisy lot.

Get them out. Get out!

Time for classes to begin.

First lesson of the day is general studies with Mr Gross.

Mr Gross loves nothing more than complete and utter silence.

Well, that and biting his own toenails.

Passing his class today will be no mean feat.

Ah, a gooey egg sandwich, Mr Gross's favourite.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in!

Sit down. Shut the door, please, Adam. Quietly!

Bogey surprise.

That looks nice.

I've got a bit on my face, haven't I?

ALL: Yeah.

-It's an improvement.

-All gone?

ALL: Yeah.

Good. I am your general studies teacher Mr Gross.

You are here to prove you can be silent

because you're the noisiest kids around, aren't you?

That's right!

Exactly. I, personally, don't think you can do it.

What do you think, Adam?

-I'll prove you wrong.

-I like your spirit.

Upinder, what do you think?

We are going to win, bogey brain.

You had to insult me as well as answer the question, didn't you?

It turns out that Miss Gobstop is listening on these fluffy

little microphones to any sound that you might be making

and she will know if you are being noisy.

It's time for your first silence test.

Your first silence test. In these lockers are six pairs.

It is your job to find the pairs and do it quietly. Clear?

Your silence test starts...

now!

Finding matching objects in these shocking lockers,

but can they do it quietly?

They will have to be on their best silent behaviour

if they want to bank a prize here.

First up is Upinder.

HORNS BLARE

It's the party locker

and what party would be complete without spray string?

Upinder managed to keep quiet

despite the surprise party face being sprung on him.

Can Upinder find another party in another locker?

Snow. It's blizzard time.

Upinder left out in the cold there with that choice.

Next up is music man Salman.

What delights do the lockers have in store for him?

A sandwich squirting red sauce and mustard, not exactly a tasty treat.

Great silent work though, Salman.

Can he find another silent squirting sandwich?

He can. Another squirting sandwich and that is a pair.

Paris-Marie is happy and she knows it, but she mustn't clap her hands.

Miss Gobstop looks unhappy.

It's Paris-Marie's turn next. Can she find a pair?

She's gone for the party locker again.

Paris may be getting her party face on there

whether she likes it or not.

Amazing silent work. Where was that other party locker?

It's a cheeky monkey locker and it's got Paris-Marie giggling.

I doubt Miss Gobstop's seeing the funny side.

SHE GIGGLES

The last to have a go is Adam.

A clown face wash.

It's amazing what you can find in an old school locker.

No clowning around from Adam. Stealth-like silence.

Can Adam finish the game by finding the other clown to make a pair?

No. Cheeky monkey strikes again.

No amount of monkey business can break Adam's steely silence.

Your silence test is over.

CHEERING

Shh! How do you think you did?

Better than you can!

It's not me trying to prove they can pass the School of Silence.

You made quite a mess, but did you pass the class?

Only one person can tell us if you passed or if you failed,

our illustrious headmistress Miss Gobstop.

Attention! Attention! This is Miss Gobstop.

Paris-Marie, a little tip. Watch your giggles.

SHE GIGGLES

Were they loud enough to set off my Gobstop 3000?

Will Paris-Marie's giggles have cost the team a prize?

Passed.

CHEERING

You may well be pleased with yourself. I'm more pleased

because I'm never going to see you again.

Get out of my class.

CHEERING

Quietly! Quietly!

I think I was the one who got most gunged.

Miss Gobstop said that Paris had to watch her giggles

but I think we did all right.

As a group, we passed it together and that's the great thing.

CHEERING

'Attention! Attention! This is the School of...

'Excuse me one moment.'

SPLASHING

'Oh, dear, it's going everywhere.

'That's a relief.'

The swimming pool is closed for repairs. Thank you.

It's time for our students' second class.

Geography with Miss Adventure.

Miss Adventure talks to the animals.

They have no idea what she's saying, but that doesn't stop her.

Can she talk this lot into keeping quiet in class?

You're the best teacher in the School of Silence.

I know. You mustn't say that.

Come in, young explorers. Take a seat.

That's very noisy already. Sit down.

Sit down. Welcome. I am Miss Adventure.

Geography teacher. Welcome to my classroom.

I understand you passed Mr Gross's class.

ALL: Yes.

Do you think you will pass my silence test?

ALL: Yes!

What's your tactic?

We will get our pinkie finger on our lips and turn

to the person who is making the noise and look at them like this.

Like this?

Yeah.

Very good. Let's take my silence test outside.

Every explorer needs to be surefooted and we're going to see

whether you are.

And if you're also very quiet.

With the aid of my brother and sister,

you have to make your way across my swamp.

You must do it as quickly and quietly as possible.

It will make you dizzy. You must cross this line.

If you step off the line, you will hear the noises of the jungle.

Elephant roars. Terrifying, isn't it,

Paris-Marie? Adam, do you think you will pass it?

-It's easy.

-Easy?! My word!

-Upinder?

-Easy as eating pie.

-I had pie for lunch. It was lovely.

It was a lemon pie and I put on it some chocolate,

some jammy roll and some ice cream. I'm on a diet.

We're going to start the silence test. Positions, everybody.

To make it extra tricky, Miss Adventure's brother will spin

the pupils round before sending them through the swamp.

First up is Adam. Paris-Marie is already giggling

and Salman doing his best to shush her.

All eyes on Adam.

He has weaved wonkily through the undergrowth,

but Adam managed to maintain his spotless silent record.

Next up is little Miss Giggles Paris-Marie.

Absolutely astounding effort there.

Remarkable focus on silently sticking to the swamp path.

Even with the crocodile at her back. Amazing.

Salman is up.

And Salman is down.

His team-mates are trying hard not to crack up,

but the jungle is going ape.

It looks like the Gobstop 3000 has not registered the sniggers.

They might just end this escapade with the banked prize.

Last up is Upinder.

Woopsie, he's down.

And he's up. Paris-Marie is losing it.

A truly adventurous effort there for everyone.

Have they done enough to bank their second prize?

Your silence test is over.

CHEERING

Salman, how do you think you did?

I think we did exceptionally well.

It's not up to me. It's up to Miss Gobstop.

Attention! Attention! This is Miss Gobstop.

'I know you're a bunch of cheeky monkeys,

'but it sounded like the entire zoo was outside my office.

'Your giggles are being picked up, Paris-Marie.

'Poor Adam. He was trying to shush you.

'You should remember to do it quietly.'

Class...

Where they silent enough in Miss Adventure's swamp?

..Passed.

CHEERING

I don't believe it. I've had enough. Get out.

No, actually, we are out. We'll get out.

CHEERING

The two loudmouths in this one were Paris and Adam.

-Me and Salman fell over.

-I've been mentioned twice.

Although we fell over 1 million times,

-me and Salman, we still passed it.

-We were proper good though.

The tactics of the next class, we will try to do that.

My technique!

-My technique.

-It's mine.

A proper good technique. Meanwhile, in the school's hamster cage.

Would you believe it? I discovered Eldorado, the lost city of gold.

Have you heard this one? Knock-knock.

Knock-knock!

They must have gone out. Bang!

They must have gone out. Where you going now?

It's time for class three with Mr Prance.

He's spent years keeping audiences utterly silent.

Can our pupils keep quiet, too and bank another prize?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in. Come in.

THEY SING

Wonderful. Sit down, sit down.

I am Mr Prance, your performance arts teacher.

I'll be testing you to prove you cannot remain quiet.

You have had two classes so far, haven't you?

ALL: Yes.

-How have you done?

-We passed.

-Both?

Really? What do you think the chances are of you passing my class?

100% out of 100%.

Excuse me, I think you'll find I am the Prancinator

and no-one will be able to get the better of me.

Your silence test is about to begin.

This test is all about remaining still and silent.

This is a staring competition with my assistant issuing

a cold-water punishment for blinking.

As ever, Miss Gobstop will be listening

for any noises as we find the master of face control.

Remember, blink and you'll get it.

In this silent test,

the pupils must stare without blinking.

The first to blink will have water poured down their backs.

Let's stare off. First up, Paris-Marie and Upinder.

Silence test has begun.

Stare!

Upinder trying to force a blink with the classic tongue waggle.

Paris-Marie is right back at him with a vicious tongue poke.

And he has blinked. Put the water in the pipe.

Astonishing. Let's see it again.

An awesome eye volley, and laser-like tongue poke

and Upinder blinks out.

Great silent skills in the face of the cold stream.

But there's sniggering on the sidelines.

It's always funnier when someone else's trousers are getting wet.

Next up is Salman and Adam. Can they keep their eyes on the prize?

In 3, 2, 1, stare!

Oh, an eyebrow twitch forces an immediate blink and it is pipe time.

Look at that, a subtle brow raise and utter havoc.

That is sheer class.

A slight wheeze but heroic composure from Salman.

Barely contained chuckling on the sidelines from Upinder

and Paris-Marie.

Adam's magnificent technique books his ticket

to an eye watering final stare-off.

Here we go, get ready for all out eye-to-eye combat.

3, 2, 1, stare!

This is furious action from the off. Those eyes are burning.

Oh, Adam has blinked.

He couldn't take the stare and he pays the price.

Look again and take note. Paris-Marie has eyes of fire.

Adam has a back of pure steel. Not a peep.

A truly legendary stare-off.

Is it enough to bank the third prize of the day?

We have a winner.

Well, you will be pleased to know that it is the end

of my silence test.

Myself and Nursie were amazing.

You, however, leave a lot to be desired. It is not for me to decide.

Miss Gobstop has been listening

and she will tell you how you have done.

Attention! Attention!

This is Miss Gobstop.

Paris-Marie, your frozen stare was a silent champion.

Class...

Could this be the third prize bank today?

..Passed.

CHEERING

What?! No! No!

-In your face.

-In my face?

Will the new pupils please report to my office immediately?

Yes, get out of my class. Bye-bye.

After that performance, the pupils are off to see Miss Gobstop

to get their reports before the final exam.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Enter!

Quickly. Shut the door.

You were sent here because you're too noisy

and we put you through silent tests.

Shall we look at your report and see how you've done?

ALL: Yes.

Salman, quite the model pupil, aren't we?

Silent during your tests. Impressive.

Paris-Marie, you started the day as a giggly little girl,

but you tried very hard in Mr Prance's class.

A winning stare. Adam.

You have been trying hard to shush your team-mates, haven't you?

Unfortunately, that makes a noise.

Upinder, there might be a little chit-chat outside the tests,

but you know when to keep it shut and that is what counts.

Of the three classes you have taken, you have passed three.

That means you have banked three prizes.

Yes!

Very good.

Before you can take home these prizes,

you have to pass the final exam in the science lab.

If you manage to keep silent,

not only will you take home your prizes, but you will also

receive the ultimate reward, the Golden Gobstopper.

But if you make three noises or more, you will fail and be expelled

and receive absolutely nothing.

-How do you think you will do?

-Pass.

-Pass.

-How are you going to pass?

-With a little finger.

-Put it on our mouths.

Very good.

Off to the science lab.

It's crunch time.

The final exam with the Professor. His weird and wonderful

inventions are legendary in the history of noise mongering.

Can he knock this Leeds lot of the top spot?

The Professor will stop at nothing to prevent them from graduating.

Ah, guten tag, my little babble bears

and welcome to your final examination here in the laboratory.

I am the Professor and my assistant Herr Helmut.

Helmut?

Now you have science cooties.

Don't do that again.

What will happen today in your final examination is I will pit

you against the power of the laboratory and my latest experiments.

But if you make three bad noises, you will be expelled. Ha!

Taste the failure rainbow.

If you manage to make with the silence, you will graduate. Ha!

And you will win the elusive Golden Gobstopper.

But this will not happen. According to Fraulein Gobstop,

you are noisier than penguins and raccoons fighting in a bin.

Are you ready?

ALL: Yes.

Are you're ready to punch the unicorn of silence?

We will begin in drei, zwei, eins.

HE LAUGHS

HE COUGHS

Notorious giggler Paris-Marie is up first.

This is a time-freezing machine.

It will freeze everyone in time apart from me and you.

Are you ready? Activate!

Ac... Activate!

The machine is not working. Why is it not working? You have broken it.

The machine is not...

It took all her concentration, but she did it.

Stony silence in the face of the professor's slightly wonky

time-freeze machine.

Why are you covered?

I'm watching you.

Upinder is next.

Something very special for you, I think. This is my magnetic pie.

It is filled with all kinds of special ingredients.

Giraffe snot and tiger cubes and penguin doodoo.

All types of things, pigeon juice and weasel milk.

It's also got robot dandruff all over it to make it magnetic.

When I activate the machine,

it goes towards the child that will make the most noise.

PARIS-MARIE GIGGLES

Oh, splat! And Paris-Marie with that giggle has broken the silence.

Could that be strike one on the Gobstop 3000?

There you go, much better.

What do we have next?

What is next for Salman?

This is my singing chicken.

I've raised it since it was a puppy. It dances, it sings... What is that?

You're not feeling well?

You were eating weasel flakes all night? What is wrong with you?!

You can't be sick in the laboratory!

No, no!

Salman wrestling with the quiet in the face of one sick chicken.

Do you feel better? Yes. Good.

Adam the silence ninja is up next.

You're in luck.

My latest invention, it is my long-distance hairdressing kit.

From 6 billion miles away, I could give you any haircut in the world.

-I tried it on myself.

-You did not. You wear a wig.

-You be quiet!

I can give you a shampoo and rinse. Go!

Oh, lovely rinse there.

Not sure what happened to the shampoo though.

-Adam keeping quiet.

-I am so sorry. It was only meant... Don't worry.

I have a special machine here to clean you up.

Um, go!

An absolute torrent.

The professor is determined to beat them,

but this team are made of strong silent stuff.

How did you get snow?

Four seasons in one day for Paris-Marie there.

But the feather shower is proving too funny.

I think we're out of gunge. It's empty.

Let me check.

I bet Upinder is so glad the professor double checked.

That is it. The time is up. Your final test is over.

CHEERING

It sounded like glorious silent work from the Leeds legends there,

but have they done enough to graduate?

Spit it out!

OK, my little pandemonium pigeons.

How do you think you did in your final examination?

-Fine.

-Pass.

I don't know. I heard lots of squirming, giggling.

If it were up to me and Herr Helmut, you would fail.

It is not up to me.

It is up to the beautiful Fraulein Gobstop to see if you have won.

How did my guinea pigs do?

That was your final exam. I was listening intently.

How do you think you did, Paris-Marie?

Good.

-Upinder?

-Perfect.

-Perfect?

Well, I shall be the judge of that.

You have...

..Graduated!

CHEERING

Let's see how the pupils achieved this pitch-perfect pass.

Just one pie-force giggle from Paris-Marie lit up

the Gobstop 3000 in a superb display of silence.

They win all three prizes and the Golden Gobstopper.

It gives me great pleasure to hand over the Golden Gobstopper.

Paris-Marie, will you take that for your team?

Now spread the silence and get out of my school.

Go!

I've never been more horrified in all my life.

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd