Episode 15 School of Silence

Welcome to the School of Silence, where the noisiest children

in the country are sent to prove they can keep quiet.

We're about to meet four new arrivals

but can they keep quiet for just one day?

Oh, I doubt it.

Ssssh!

Sssshhh!

HE GULPS

SCHOOLBELL RINGS, CHILDREN SCREAM EXCITEDLY

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes to prove

they can be silent, followed by the final exam,

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If I think they managed to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they'll bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

But if I think they're being too noisy...

-Oh!

-HE LAUGHS

-Aah!

-HE SCREAMS

..they will get nothing. And I will know about it, thanks to this device,

the Gobstop 3000, the very latest in noise monitoring technology.

If they pass the final exam, they will take all the prizes

they've banked and receive the ultimate reward,

the Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they failed to keep THAT shut, I will have no choice

but to expel them and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

This noisy crowd is from Cardiff and their noise levels are monitored

by deputy head, Mr Gross, who has his work cut out today

as head teacher Miss Gobstop is off sick.

-So he's in charge. Good luck, Mr Gross! Good luck, pupils.

-PUPILS SCREAM

You, step forward! Name?!

-Rory!

-Rory, Rory, my goodness.

Rory's favourite noise is the bell at the end of the day.

His least favourite is the bell at the start of the day.

-You, step forward! Name!

-Ellaaaaaaaaaaa!

Ella loves it when her dog howls at people playing the harmonica.

Everyone's a critic is days. Next!

Right, you, step forward. Name!

Jamiiiiiiiiiiiiil!

So high-pitched.

Jamil loves banging pots with a stick.

He'll be out of the frying pan and into the fire today.

I'm too old for this, you know, too old.

-You, step forward. Name!

-Dania!

Dania once burped really loudly when singing in the choir.

Thankfully, she was in tune.

Enough, enough! Get out! Get them out, quick.

Go, go!

PUPILS SCREAM

It's time for classes to begin.

The first lesson, General Studies with Mr Gross.

He's bad enough when he's not in charge,

so goodness knows what'll happen to the pupils

with him running the school for the day.

Who's the top dog? Who's the big...cheese?

A Stilton, hopefully. KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh. Come in. Oh, my goodness.

Sit down, quickly. Shut the door behind you, child.

-My goodness!

-Yeah!

-Could you shut it any louder?!

Miss Gobstop is ill today, so that means the deputy head is in charge.

And that is me, yours truly, Mr Gross. Yeah, hard cheese, sunshine.

Remember, we're monitoring you at all times through your microphones,

on the Gobstop 3000, so we know if you're being noisy or not.

-Ella?

-Why are your clothes so ugly?

They're like the 1970s.

Well, interestingly, that's when they were purchased.

-Right, it's time for your first silent test.

-Yes, sir.

This test is all about insects.

Insects, unlike people, never let you down.

It's very true. But some people are afraid of insects.

Don't know why - it's irrational.

Fear is the enemy of silence.

Right, your silent test begins...

now!

Hurrah, the creepy-crawlies are back!

The pupils must each quietly face two boxes of the wrigglers,

and their team-mates must keep quiet too.

Box number one, everyone's favourite, the earthworms.

Coming right atcha, Rory.

-Aah! Oh!

-Oh, Rory, squealing already.

That's set the Gobstop 3000 off.

Ella's trying to keep the boys quiet, and succeeding.

And the Gobstop 3000 calms back down.

What's in the next box for Jamil?

Ooh! It's some juicy-looking maggots. Perfect for Mr Gross's tea.

In they go. Good pouring action.

Some silent screaming from the girls, but Jamil's keeping cool

and more importantly, quiet.

Can the pupils keep it up for box number three?

It's Rory's turn again. Oh, Dania giving him a helping hand.

Oh, it's beetles.

Ella's grossed out. How about Rory?

There's a gasp from Rory, but was it too loud for Mr Gross?

HE GIGGLES QUIETLY

Oh, the Gobstop 3000 does not like that.

But Dania's on hand to keep him quiet.

What's in the final box for Jamil?

Well, the girls are obviously not fans of whatever is in there.

Oh, great stuff, it's crickets.

Jamil's not bowled over by them though.

Jamil holding back his hand, also holding his tongue.

-Have these last-minute skills helped them pass?

-The test is over.

That was absolutely revolting. You're revolting.

I'm not revolting! These have got feelings too, you know.

How have they got on? Is this their first pass at a banked prize?

Even though insects are very friendly,

they're also quite dirty, so remember to wash your hands afterwards, OK?

Right, it's time to find out how you did in your silent test.

Mr Gross, filling in for Miss Gobstop.

He needs to hightail it to her office.

He's checking how many noises registered

on the Gobstop 3000 and whether the class from Cardiff passed or failed.

Attention, attention! This is the deputy head speaking, Mr Gross.

Rory is a squeaker.

Dania is a gasper.

Ella is a giggler.

-But Jamil seemed to keep his cool.

-Yeeeeaaaaah!

-Class...

-Here comes the results. Have the team banked a prize?

..astoundingly, passed. ALL: YEAH!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get out of my class.

Go on. Good riddance.

Shut the door on your way out.

-We won, we won!

-We won, we won!

Oh, it was hard.

-They had maggots all over their hands.

-It was gross.

-It was the most disgusting game.

-I felt really sorry for them.

It's named after Mr Gross.

THEY SCREAM

Hi five, up top. Slip down!

'Attention, attention. Would the caretaker come

'to Miss Gobstop's office immediately, with some air freshener?

HE BURPS

Actually, don't worry, that's lovely.

Eurgh! It's time for class two, geography with Miss Adventure.

She sailed the seven seas

but was shipwrecked at the School of Silence.

Can our pupils sail through her class and bank another prize?

Come in, young explorers. Come in. Lovely. Take a seat.

-Hello, I am Miss Adventure.

-What's up with the braces?

Yes, it's part of the... Salute, everyone!

Salute me, I am Miss Adventure, geography teacher.

I'm here to set you silent tests.

What is it, Ella? You've had your hand up very politely?

-I'm taller than you.

-So, um...

Remember, Mr Gross is listening.

If you're silent, you might win a prize.

If you're not, you won't.

I think the silent test I've got for you is marvellous.

I think it'll beat you. You think you'll stay silent?

ALL: Yeah!

Well, we're going to start my first silence test.

Every adventurer needs to know how to ride a camel.

Be prepared for the camels. Now don't be frightened, camels. Oh, oh...

Hello, camels.

It's very important, don't touch the camels yet.

They're easily frightened. If there's any noise at all,

they become quite upset and are known to buck off their passengers.

There're also distracted by ice cream, food and tap dancing,

some of which may appear here.

So your test is to travel, one by one, on the back of these camels

from one side to the other in silence. Think you can do it?

-ALL: Yeah.

-I think it'll beat you.

First to get the hump are Dania and Rory.

They have to stay on the camels for 30 silent seconds,

but Miss Adventure's distractions won't make it easy.

Not yet, not yet. Let the silence test commence.

So, will our team from Cardiff be able to stay calm on the camels

and earn their second prize?

Oh, the camels have bucked both riders. They didn't like the noise

-and neither will the Gobstop 3000.

-DANIA LAUGHS

Oh, more noise from Dania there.

Dania is down again, and the Gobstop 3000 is picking her up.

-Right, swap riders.

-Not the quietest of starts.

Can Jamil and Ella do any better on the sounds of silence?

Your silence test recommences in five, four, three, two, one...

Ella loses her grip early on but the silence is holding so far.

Oh, spoke too soon. Jamil's lighting up the Gobstop 3000.

Now Jamil is back on and trying to resist the camel capers.

-HE SNIGGERS

-Oh, but he's down and sniggering again.

And there goes the Gobstop 3000.

There's even more noise in the final seconds.

-Silence test is over.

-Here come the results.

-Is it going to be a pass or a fail?

-Well, your silence test is over.

I personally think it defeated you.

I think you were rather noisy during my little camel test,

but it's not up to me, it's up to the deputy headmaster.

Let's see what he thinks of your performance.

-Who cares about Mr Gross?

-Attention, attention!

This is your deputy headmaster, Mr Gross.

Jamil and Dania both proved they can't be quiet on a camel.

-Class...

-Is it going to be the pupils' second banked prize?

..failed!

Never mind. What a shame. I've had enough.

Out you go, children, get out. Out.

-A shame!

-Thank you very much indeed.

THEY TALK OVER ONE ANOTHER

We're going to pass the next one!

We'll see. Meanwhile, in the school's hamster cage...

I was playing tennis when I accidentally split the atom. Bang!

Literally. OK, June, let's play a game.

The next hamster to speak is an utter doughnut.

-I said... Oh, no, it was me! Hahaha!

-Oh, Hammy...

Halfway through the day. Time for class three with Mr Les Prance,

a theatrical legend in his own lunchtime,

but can our students stay quiet in his class?

With one pass and one fail already,

-how will the pupils get on with the next test?

-KNOCK ON DOOR

Enter!

Ah, come in, come in, take a seat. Take a seat, take a seat.

I am Les Prance, your performance art teacher,

and here in the theatre of silence,

I'm going to be testing you to prove that you cannot keep quiet.

Now I understand that you passed your first class

but you failed your last class, is that correct?

What happened there? Who made noise in the last class?

-Well, me and Jamil, but...

-You and Jamil? But, but?

-But!

-We didn't giggle much, only once.

-But remember,

-you are working as a TEAM.

-As a TEAM.

Remember, as a TEAM, and so therefore if one fails, you all fail.

We aaaaaall fail!

Everything that you say will be heard by our deputy headmaster, Mr Gross.

-He will be listening to every single sound you make.

-Hello!

It is now time for my silent test.

First of all, I want to say I love the hair.

Now, remember, as a performer, you must be prepared to handle anything

that the audience throws at you.

-In this case, it's rotten tomatoes.

-Rotten tomatoes.

-Exactly.

You must protect yourself and also your fellow cast members.

We're going to pass this class.

You think so? Ha ha, we shall see! I would like to start with Dania.

The pupils must take it in turns to bat away

the pretend rotten tomatoes Mr Prance lobs at them

and the whole team must stay silent.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Then the silent test begins now.

Action.

First up is Dania. Missed that one but, oh, there's the smash.

Let's see that again. Ah, yeah, great overhead technique.

It's raining tomatoes.

Rory is up next and the score is tied at deuce, tomato juice!

Rory's having a smashing time now. That's worth another look.

He's covered in the red stuff, and so are the rest of the team.

But they stay silent. Well done.

Ella is up next.

She's missed a few tomatoes now. She needs to ketchup. Ketchup!

Oh, saucy. She's been tomatoed and she knows it.

But Ella's kept it quiet and so did the team. Outstanding work.

-20 seconds to go, now it's Jamil.

-Quickly, quickly!

What's he doing? He might have talked the team into a fail.

Oh, he's hitting these tomatoes like a professional.

And there's the team facing the sauce in silence.

And your silent test is complete. Cut!

So, did our class pass or fail? Let's hear the results.

After that performance I can let you all know that I was magnificent.

You, however, were the noisiest bunch

I've had the misfortune of encountering in a long time.

The decision's not up to me, but Mr Gross, our deputy headmaster.

-He's been listening to every sound that you made.

-'Attention, Attention.

This is your deputy headmaster, Mr Gross.

Dania, Ella and Rory were exceptionally quiet.

But Jamil was whispering.

(Quickly, quickly.)

-Class...

-Is it going to be another prize or a fail?

-..Passed!

-ALL: YEAH!

-PUPILS SCREAM

-In your face!

Can the new pupils report to my,

I mean, Miss Gobstop's office, immediately!

Right, go to Miss Gobstop's. Class dismissed!

The pupils are off to see Mr Gross,

to get their report before the final exam.

Ah, do you know what, I could get used to this. The big time.

PUPILS SCREAM

Come in, come in. Quietly!

Quietly! Shush!

My goodness, you really are the noisiest children on earth.

Now you've been put through some of the School of Silence's

toughest tests but how have you done?

Rory, you began the day squealing like a piglet.

-I doubt that very, very much.

-It's true.

But you improved. Jamil, you were quite the opposite.

You got noisier and noisier as the day went on.

Don't look so pleased with yourself!

Dania, your gasp is quite ghastly.

Ella, you giggled constantly. But you do it quietly.

Of the three classes you've taken today, you've passed two.

So that means that you've got two prizes in the bank

but before you think about getting your noisy little hands on those,

you've got to pass the final exam in the Professor's science lab.

If you're silent throughout the final exam, you'll graduate

and you can leave with all your lovely prizes

and the coveted Golden Gobstopper.

But if you make three noises in the final exam,

you'll fail and leave with nothing.

-Now get out of Miss Gobstop's office. Scram!

-Yeah, scram!

-Well, we'll see, won't we?!

-Well, we'll see, won't we!

-You'll come to grief!

-YOU'LL come to grief!

-No, YOU'LL come to grief!

-Out!

PUPILS WHOOP

You're going to lose!

It's crunch time, the final exam with the Professor.

His fiendish experiments are all that's standing

between our Welsh wonders and graduation.

-Hello, children.

-Hello.

-I am ze Professor.

And today, with the help of my assistant, Herr Helmut... Ja voll!

..and the latest in silence science, we will be testing. Experimenting!

..we will be experimenting to see if you have learned ze quiet, ja?

So, your final examination?

If you make any of the bad, bad noises, three of them,

you will be expelled from the School of Silence.

But if you manage to keep it ze quiet, you will graduate.

And win all of the School of Silence's amazing prizes.

But you will not do this. You will all fail.

-Want to bet?

-No, we won't!

Herr Gross will be listening in on the Gobstop 3000.

-Are you ready to commence with the final examination?

-Ja!

He's determined to keep the Gobstopper out of their hands.

Do your worst!

We shall commence in drei, zwei, eins!

THUNDERCLAP

Aaaaah-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa! Now it begins. Mm-mm-mm!

That is science.

Right, what do we have first? Oh, this is very special.

-This here's for you.

-First up is Ella.

-This is a Martian brain.

If you get very close, it can read your mind.

Can you hear the alien mind? Can you?

What about now, can you hear it now?

Anything at all? Hmm?

Are you making any little noises? I can hear you.

Oh, was that Jamil breaking the silence?

Right, I think we will go for you. Where is it? Aha.

It is Helmut. He can read minds, you know.

Next, it's Dania.

Look deep into his eyes. Look deep into his eyes. I can see you.

Do you hear me? I read your mind!

Bleeeeuggh!

Oh, my! Oh! That's quite a cold, Helmut.

Rory's doing well to hold the laughs in.

Right, we move on to the next.

Now it's Jamil.

Perhaps the greatest of my inventions.

The invisible paint. Oh, yes. The invisible paint.

Ha! It's a success. It is a success, Helmut! Ze invisible paint works!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! We will try it again. Look, there, it works.

The Professor, of course, using play paint. Don't try this at home.

You have broken my invisible paint! I get you!

No, Helmut, no, no!

-Oh, I think that was a cheeky chuckle.

-But now it comes to you.

-Rory is last up.

-Perhaps the smelliest substance known to man.

It is one of Herr Gross's socks. It is the smelliest thing in the world.

You want a go? What do you think of that? You like it?

Perhaps we make a smelly hat for you, something you can wear to parties.

It's a scarf. Do you like that? Oh, what was that? Did I hear something?

Uh-oh, the dreaded sock bringing out Rory's sniggers.

You want to take a little bite? I'll leave it here for you to take home.

What's wrong, Helmut? Ze sock, it makes me so ill!

HELMUT RETCHES

Don't be sick in the lab, Helmut! We can't get the floor dirty!

Bleurghhh!

Oh, I'm so sorry. I forgot, this tube is connected to the machine.

Don't worry, I can clean it for you. Here we go. We clean you off now.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Ze machine, it is mixed up. I adjust it.

I clean you. We don't want you leaving the laboratory dirty.

Ah, it's this one here.

Oh, I'm so sorry. The machine, it is crazy.

Just 20 seconds to go.

-Time for the final gunge-athon.

-Right, we'll try one more time.

Let me try this.

Oh, no, it's fine, I can fix this. It'll be OK. There we are.

-Your silent test is over.

-YEAH! My beautiful hair!

Well, meine kinder, did you squeak, did you squawk? I think you did.

If it was up to me, you'd fail and leave with nothing.

But it's not up to me. Only Herr Gross as the power to say

if you've passed the examination

and will leave the School with the fantastic prizes.

-Meine glorious Herr Gross?

-The team passed two classes

and failed one. With two prizes and the Gobstopper at stake

-will they pass the final exam and graduate?

-Hello.

I have the final result from the Gobstop 3000.

And...

..I'm pleased to say...

-..you've failed.

-Oh, it's a calamity for the team from Cardiff.

They've failed the final test and lost everything.

How did that happen?

The Professor threw everything at them.

The pie produced a peep from Ella,

Rory couldn't stop a snigger at the sweaty sock,

and the play paint provoked chuckles from Jamil.

With three strikes on the Gobstop 3000, they failed the exam

and go home empty-handed.

I'm not surprised, you noisy bunch! You're expelled.

-Get out!

-How dare you?!

-Away you go!

Be off with you, you noisy bunch!

ALL SHOUT OVER ONE ANOTHER

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd