Episode 14 School of Silence

Welcome to the School Of Silence. This is where the noisiest children

in the country are sent to prove they can keep quiet.

We're about to meet four new arrivals,

but can they keep quiet for just one day? Oh, I doubt it!

Shhh!

Shhh!

BELL RINGS

SHOUTING

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes to prove they can be silent,

followed by the crucial Final Exam,

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

IF I think the pupils manage to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they will bank a prize from my Confiscation Cupboard.

But if I think they are being too noisy...

HE GROANS

HE LAUGHS

HE SCREAMS

..they will get nothing and I will know about it

thanks to this device, the Gobstop 3000,

the very latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass the final exam, they will take all the prizes

they have banked and receive the ultimate reward...

the Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep that shut,

I will have no choice but to expel them

and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

Today's mouthy bunch are from Manchester,

and they're getting in their last moments of loudness

in front of head teacher Miss Gobstop and form tutor Mr Gross.

This noisy lot are seriously going to struggle.

They'll need to keep it shut

if they've any chance of going home with the prize.

You! Come forward. Name?

Khadejah!

Khadejah loves to bang pans all day

and her favourite sound is the drums.

She thinks her team will beat their way to the prizes today.

-Yeah, good luck with that.

-You! Step forward. Name?

JAKE!

If Jake could make a loud noise all day, he would shout,

"La la la la la!", over and over again. What's annoying about that?!

-You! Come forward. Name?

-MOHAMMED!

Mohammed has a bad habit of shouting out silly things in class.

He's not going to last long round here then.

You! Come forward.

-Name?

-KANE!

Went right through me, that did.

Kane's favourite sound is the honk of an approaching train

and he thinks he'll be riding the Gobstopper Express today.

Let's hope so. All aboard!

Get them out! Please, get rid of them!

It's time for classes to begin.

The first lesson, general studies with Mr Gross.

He picks the most revolting challenges for the pupils

that get right up his nose. So what awaits our mob from Manchester

in their first silent test?

Oh, dear, Mr Gross! I hope you're going to wash your hands

after blowing your nose. And your hanky.

Come in, come in.

THEY SHOUT

I just had a bit of a runny nose, you see.

-But it's very important...

-Ew!

..with a runny nose, catch it...

No, I don't want to!

..bin it, kill it.

Say, "Yes, Mr Gross."

-ALL:

-Yes, Mr Gross.

-Say, "You're the best, Mr Gross."

-ALL:

-You're the worst, Mr Gross.

I tried, I tried.

Right, where were we?

I am Mr Gross, your general studies teacher in the School Of Silence

and you are here because you're very, very noisy and annoying.

Remember, Miss Gobstop is listening at all times

on your fluffy, little microphones.

She knows if you're being noisy, Kane, or sniggering.

All of you, stop sniggering.

There's nothing funny about school.

Right, OK, look. Everyone loves a dance, but it's too much.

Time for your first silence test.

Ooooh!

This test is all about insects.

Now, some people are afraid of insects.

And as you probably know, fear is the enemy of silence.

So the question is, can you keep quiet whilst petrified?

Your silence test starts...now.

Shhh!

So, for this game, our seated pupils

must each face two boxes of creepy crawlies in total silence.

Their team-mates watching on the sidelines must keep quiet too.

Oh, box number one is some delicious looking mealworms.

Khadejah is up first.

-HE SNIGGERS

-Oh, is that a noise from the boys?

There's a silent scream from Khadejah.

Ooh, there's one going up her sleeve!

Khadejah is staying quiet, but the boys can't even look.

What's in the next box for Jake?

Oh, goody. It's some juicy, tasty maggots.

You've got to hand it to them, they're disgusting.

I'm talking about the maggots, not the children, obviously.

But Jake is brilliantly keeping his cool there

and Miss Gobstop, she likes that.

What's in box number three?

Ooh! Nice, crunchy beetles.

HE GASPS

And there's a gasp from Mohammed.

Kane heard it but was it too loud for Miss Gobstop?

Can Khadejah keep quiet with all the bugs scuttling over her hands?

Khadejah is clearly not enjoying that but she's staying silent.

Well played, Khadejah.

What's in the final box?

THEY GASP

What a reaction! It's got Mohammed and Kane running for the hills.

Miss Gobstop won't be happy with that noise, though.

Let's see what the fuss was all about...

It's crickets!

But they don't seem to put Jake out.

Ice cool in the face of the crickets.

Oh! They're climbing up his sleeve. This is extraordinary!

Jake, not enjoying that, but keeping quiet. What a professional!

And your silence test is over.

Oh, have they done enough to earn their first pass and bank a prize?

So, even though insects are very friendly,

they're also quite dirty,

so do remember to wash your hands afterwards, OK?

Your first silent test is over.

-But how do you think you did?

-Pass.

-Pass.

That's what YOU think, but it doesn't matter what you think

or even what I think.

The only person whose opinion matters is Miss Gobstop.

Attention, attention.

This is Miss Gobstop.

Courageous Khadejah.

Not a peep from you.

Well done.

Jake...

you too were very brave and silent.

Mohammed and Kane,

putting your hand over your mouth

does not stop me from hearing your whispers and giggles.

THEY GASP

Were your noises enough to bug me?

Class...

Time for the results. Have the team banked their first prize?

..passed.

THEY CHEER

Well, I'm pretty surprised but you won't get far in this school.

-Get out of my class!

-That's what you think!

We'll see about that. Off you go!

-ALL:

-We passed!

-LAP, loud and proud!

-Loud and proud!

We're going to keep passing all of the classes, no matter what.

The teachers are going down.

Yeah!

TANNOY: 'Attention, attention.

'This is the School Of Silence.'

I will now select the winning ticket for the prize draw.

And the winner is...

..me. I would like to thank our friends, the local music shop,

for donating this wonderful prize.

SILENCE

It's time for Class 2, Geography with Miss Adventure.

She lived in Never Never Land

before she popped up at the School Of Silence.

Can our pupils pick up another pass in her class?

Gary? Gary? Which one of you has eaten Gary?

Where's Gary? Where are you, my little sweetie?

KNOCKING ON DOOR Come in, young roamers.

Come in, take a seat. Gary?! I'm getting worried about Gary.

He's my special snake.

Have you seen Gary anywhere? Do you know where Gary might be? Yes?

That's not Gary, that's Simon. Yes, Jake?

-Miss, he's on your head.

-On my...?!

Oh, oh, Gary!

Gary is my favourite little snake.

Thank you very much indeed.

Welcome, young roamers. I am Miss Adventure,

Geography teacher.

Welcome to my class. I've got a great silence test for you.

It is going to defeat you.

# It's going to defeat you!

# It's going to defeat you!

# It's going to defeat you! #

Class, are you going to pass my silence test?

-ALL:

-YES!

Well, we'll see about that because it's time for my silence test.

Here, here.

Every explorer needs to master an ancient custom.

My expertise is, of course, Bottumo,

which is the ancient art of silent bottom sumo.

The rules are quite simple. You each get 20 seconds

to force the Bottumo champion out of the ring

using only your bottom. Do you think you'll pass my silence test?

Yes, Mohammed? Yeah? You all seem pretty confident.

Wait until you meet the Bottumo champion.

All the way from Paris, France...

Francois!

So, how will our team get on against the big Bottumo from Paris?

Remember, each contestant must try and stay in the ring

while they and the rest of the team stay silent.

-Bottumo.

-First into the ring is Kane.

Your silence test begins in five,

four, three,

two, one...

Bottumo!

There's the traditional Bottumo greeting and meeting of bottoms.

Kane is struggling to get his behind in front in this game,

if you see what I mean.

Did Miss Gobstop hear a chuckle there?

GIGGLING

Kane's lost the bout, but will that chortle mean a fail for the team?

Bottumo!

Next up is Mohammed. Oh, that's cheeky!

And that's cheek to cheek!

He's putting up some good resistance there.

Unbelievable! Mohammed has conquered the Giant Croissant,

but there was clapping from Khadejah and Kane.

That won't make Miss Gobstop happy.

-Bottumo!

-It's Khadejah next.

The Grande Fromage fighting to regain his pride,

but Khadejah is up for it.

She's not backing down.

Oh, he's down!

These youngsters making a mockery of the Battling Baguette from Paris

and keeping quiet to boot!

-Bottumo!

-Jake is the last in the ring.

Oh, taunting the big guy now.

Can they keep up their silence and bank another prize?

Oh, dear, there's more clapping from the sidelines. No!

Jake's got the big man on the ropes. And, oh, my word! He's down!

He's down! Francois is down!

But that round of applause might mean they've lost their prize.

Your silence test is over!

In your face!

Now I definitely heard some noises, but it's all about Miss Gobstop.

-Let's find out what the result is from her.

-Attention, attention.

This is Miss Gobstop.

Kane, the clapper.

Clapping Mohammed.

Clap, clap, clap.

Zip it, zip it, zip it.

Class...

Has that clapping cost them a second prize?

-..failed.

-Yes.

CLASS GROANS

Yes! Yes! Yes!

What a shame for you. What a shame. Now, I've had enough of you already.

Get out of my class. Out you go.

We tried so hard. We're going to win the next class

because we're LAP, loud and proud!

Yes, but this show is about silence.

Meanwhile, in the school's hamster cage...

Hey, Judy. I was reading the encyclopaedia the other day.

You'll never guess what the most annoying animal in the world is.

You! Ha ha ha ha ha.

Bang.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the school's Performing Arts

teacher, Mr Les Prance - an expert in silent singing.

But can our students stay quiet in his class?

With one pass and one fail already,

how will our pupils get on with their next test?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in, come in. Sit down, sit down.

-Hello!

-Sit down, sit down. Yes, yes, yes.

-Hello.

-Hello, hello, hello. Sit down, sit down. Good. Shh!

HE EXHALES

To teach or to not to teach.

He's doing it with his hand, look.

Behind your back.

OK. Hello. As you know, my name is Mr Prance,

teacher of the Performing Arts. And here

within the theatre of silence,

I will be testing you to prove

that you cannot remain silent.

You can't even keep still for 30 seconds, OK,

so there's no way you are going to pass this class.

Remember, as always Miss Gobstop

is listening to every single sound you make.

-Are you ready?

-No!

-Remember, you are working as a team.

-As a team.

Time for my silent test.

As a performer, it's very important

that you remain physically fit.

Your test is to follow my every move

whilst paired together, tied at the ankles.

Remember, this must be carried out not only accurately

but in complete and utter silence.

My silence test has begun. Action.

This four part fitness session

is designed to work out some noise.

Can the team keep it in?

First up is some star jumps.

MUFFLED GIGGLING

Oh, Khadejah is off already.

Khadejah and Mohammed are both having a right good laugh there.

But Miss Gobstop isn't.

FAINT LAUGHTER

Oh, lovely technique from Mr Prance.

Jake is trying to shut them up

but they're both still snorting away.

Next, it's the hula-hoops.

Some triumphant arm hulas from Mr Prance.

Can the team copy him?

Oops!

Mr Prance's hula slipped, causing titters.

THEY GIGGLE

It's a deceptively sneaky workout.

The team need contemplative silence to succeed.

But no, Miss Gobstop's unimpressed by these antics.

Next, believe it or not, it's skipping.

Oh, Jake's down. They're all struggling to keep quiet now.

This is a laughter disaster.

HEARTY LAUGHTER

And it looks like Miss Gobstop has heard the lot.

The last exercise is the medicine balls.

20 seconds to go. Is there any chance left of a pass?

THEY CACKLE

Oh, they're falling like dominoes

and laughing like drains.

It's an utter shambles an avalanche of noise!

Your silence test is complete.

So did our pupils pass or fail? Let's hear the results.

I can let you know,

in all honesty, I was amazing.

You, however...

I've heard less noise at a football ground.

It is not for me to decide. Miss Gobstop

has been listening in and she will let you know how

you've done.

-Done!

-Done!

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

You are supposed to be working as a team.

Gasping.

Giggling.

Talking and tittle-tattle.

Do you know the meaning of silence?

ALL: No!

Class...

If they pass this one, I'll eat my hat. I'll eat your hat!

..failed!

-Yes!

-Yep.

-Will the new pupils please report

to my office immediately?

Get out. Out! Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

Losers! Ha-ha!

-Now we've got to go to this.

-Enter.

With two fails and one pass, it's time for the pupils

to get their reports before the final exam.

So, we put you through some silent tests.

-Shall we see how you got on?

-Let's see. Let's see.

Hey, let's see.

Mohammed, you don't seem to be able to control your babble box.

LAUGHING AND SNORTING

-Jake, cheeky little chappie, aren't you?

-Thank you.

But I did notice that you tried to stay quiet in your last class.

SNORTS OF LAUGHTER

But you'll have to try harder. Khadejah. The only girl.

-ALL:

-Ooooh!

A whisperer giggler, but I thought you were a good silent student

and you did well with the bugs.

SHE REMAINS SILENT

Kane. Clapper...

even a little chatterbox.

-What do you have to do to graduate?

-No blabber box.

-Yes!

So you have one final exam.

If you graduate,

not only will you take home the one prize that you've banked, but

you will also receive the ultimate reward

of the Golden Gobstopper.

ANGELIC MUSIC

If, however, you set off

my Gobstop 3000 three times or more,

you will not only be expelled, but you will receive

absolutely nothing.

L-A-P.

Loud and proud!

Loud and pathetic.

-So get out.

-That's rich coming from you.

-It is, isn't it?

-Yeah!

-Noisy boys.

-Loud and proud!

L-A-P.

It's time for the final exam with the professor,

world famous inventor of the silent banger and the crunchless crisp.

Will his lab full of noise-creating contraptions

confound our team's graduation?

(GERMAN ACCENT) Well, hello, my little noise pumpkins.

Welcome to the final examination here in the laboratory.

I am the Professor and today, with the help from my assistant,

Herr Helmut, Science Pilot.

Look, it's a hairy octopus. ATTACK! Get off me, you fool!

Not in front of the vict...

The children.

What will happen today in your final examination is

I will pit you against the power of my silent laboratory

and some of my latest, greatest inventions.

But if you make three of the bad, bad noises,

you will fail and we will squish you like a science rhino boom!

Hah! But if you manage to keep quiet,

unlikely, I know, you will graduate.

And you will win the elusive Golden Gobstopper.

-Are you ready to begin? ALL:

-Yes!

Professor is determined to keep that precious Golden Gobstopper

out of their hands. Hold on tight, it's going to get gungy!

We will commence in drei,

zwei,

eins!

LIGHTNING CRACKS

I'm scared, I do the bum potato.

Not again! Right. Who's first, who is first?

Look at that. They're a plucky bunch,

but can they stay silent through the splat?

I think the first one is...

-it's you.

-Mohammed is first.

This is my animal pie. It is filled with

some wonderful ingredients like giraffe sick

and pigeon juice and panda doo-doo.

It's so tasty, would you like some? Would you like some?

STIFLED LAUGHTER

Oh, is that Khadejah laughing?

-Who do we have next? You, my friend.

-Next, it's Kane.

Perhaps my greatest, latest invention

my beauty claw.

What we do is I can give you a makeover from 100 miles away.

Are you ready? We shall begin now!

Ah, the claw is going crazy, it is going crazy!

Aargh!

Shut it off, Helmut, shut it off! You broke my claw!

No reaction to the blue gunge. Well played!

Who's next? You, I fear.

Now it's Jake.

Look, it is my colour flute.

What happens is I blow the flute and you can see wonderful colours. Ready?

HE BLOWS

Oh, of course, you can't hear it.

I haven't put on your headphones.

Here we go. And the other one.

Lovely. Oh, you couldn't hear it,

it has something stuck in the end.

Oh, he's been cheeky in the past

but he's keeping it quiet now.

-But for you I have something very special.

-Finally, Khadejah.

One of my latest and greatest inventions.

It is the silence laser.

It can protect you from miles around. So you will get nothing round you.

Are you ready? Here we go. It shall protect you go!

Oh, oh, I'm so sorry!

Definitely some, huh, giggling there.

We try again the silence shoot laser. Go!

Oh, so sorry, it must be malfunctioning. Don't worry,

my latest and greatest invention,

my clean machine, it can clean you all up.

If I know the Professor, this is not the clean machine.

Remember, three noises and they go home empty-handed.

We're into the final 30 seconds now.

-Can they survive without setting off the Gobstop 3000?

-It's all right.

The machine is malfunctioning. I believe it is empty now.

Good, good, good.

Ah!

Oh, the professor playing fast and loose with this team.

And his gunge trickle has got a groan from Jake.

Eh-hee!

It's raining gunge with seconds to go

-and they can't stop their titters now.

-Stop the machine.

Right, that's it, the time is up.

-Your silence test is over!

-Yeah!

Well, my little sniggering sheepies,

how do you think you did in your final examination?

-Pass.

-Pass.

-And parrots might fly. Parrots do fly.

You don't make any sense. You don't make any sense.

Your mother doesn't make sense. Quiet! Right.

THEY LAUGH

Well, it is not up to me, it is up to the beautiful

Fraulein Gobstop to see if you will win or not. Let us see.

Fraulein Gobstop!

They failed two classes and passed one,

so with the prize and the Golden Gobstopper at stake,

will they pass the final exam and graduate?

Ah, Fraulein Gobstop, how did my noisy little vossels do?

Well, the Gobstop 3000 has spoken.

You...

will...

-..be expelled!

-Ahaa!

A disaster for the team from Manchester.

They've failed the final test, been expelled and lost

their only prize

and the Golden Gobstopper. Just how did that happen?

Despite the professor throwing everything at them,

-they started off really well.

-It is going crazy.

But then the silence laser got a giggle out of Khadejah.

And when the gunge struck Jake,

there was a flood of squawks, squeaks and groans.

The prof spotted their weak spot and went for it.

He's a professional at extracting noise,

and these kids just didn't stand a chance.

Your noises made my Gobstop 3000 look like a Christmas tree.

THEY LAUGH

It's nothing to be proud of. You go home empty-handed.

-Get out.

-Off you go.

-Now!

-Hit the road. That's it!

GENERAL HUBBUB

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd