Episode 13 School of Silence

Welcome to the School of Silence.

This is where the noisiest children in the country are sent

to prove they can keep quiet.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Aaah!

Ah!

We're about to meet four new arrivals,

but can they keep quiet for just one day?

I doubt it!

Ssssh!

Ah!

Ssssh!

BELL RINGS

CHILDREN SHOUT

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes

to prove they can be silent, followed by the crucial final exam,

which will determine whether they graduate, or will be expelled.

If I think the pupils manage to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they will bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

But if I think they are being too noisy..

Ah!

Ha-ha-ha!

Aaah!

Eeeee!

..they will get nothing, and I will know about it,

thanks to this device - the Gobstop 3000,

the very latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass the final exam, they will take all the prizes

they have banked, and receive the ultimate reward -

the Golden Gobstopper!

However, if they fail to keep that shut,

I will have no choice but to expel them,

and they will go home with absolutely nothing!

This calamitous Carlisle crew are having their noise levels monitored

by our headmistress, Mrs Gobstop, and form tutor Mr Gross.

If this is a sign of things to come,

I don't like these new pupils' chances one bit!

You! Step forward!

-Name?

-Oliver!

Keen gymnast Olly loves chatting,

and says his favourite sound is his best mate's hilarious laugh.

Too much chatting or laughing today could mean Olly's for the high jump!

You, step forward!

-Name?

-Marcie!

Marcie wants to be a teacher when she's older.

Well, judging by her noise today,

I know one school that won't be keen to give her a job.

This one!

You, step forward!

-Name?

-Callum!

Confident Callum loves playing rugby,

and once played a bazooka in music class when he wasn't supposed to.

Will his noisy antics leave his classmates

feeling brassed off today?

You, step forward!

-Name?

-Ashlea!

Ashlea claims to be not only the loudest in her class,

but the fastest runner.

Can she break the speed of sound today? Stay tuned!

Get out! Get them out! Out!

CHILDREN SHOUT

It's time for classes to begin.

The first lesson is General Studies, with Mr Gross.

He baths in cabbage water, and thinks bananas aren't tasty

until they're turned black,

so what disgusting delights has he got for our team?

Mr Gross's class today is a double period,

so twice the silence for the kids from Carlisle.

Ewww!

Hello, come in. Sit down, sit down.

-Don't slam the door!

-Sorry.

I am Mr Gross, your General Studies teacher.

You're here because you're very, very noisy children.

Wooo!

-Exactly!

-That's very correct!

And you're here to prove that you can be...

-Loud?

-Loud!

No, silent! And do you know what?

Even if you think you can do it, or I think you can't do it,

it doesn't matter.

The only person whose opinion matters is Miss Gobstop,

and she will be listening on these fluffy little microphones here.

Do you think you can stay quiet in the tests?

-Yes.

-Yes.

You are laid-back, kid.

Yeah, very true.

Do you know what? I can be laid back, too.

But not now, because it's time for your first silence test.

So, they've settled down

for the first of Mr Gross's two silent tests.

This test is about plumbing.

You see, it's very important to have a trade in life.

Not everyone can grow up to be Lady Gaga, or...

David Beckhime!

So, what I've got here is some pipes from the school

that have been blocked.

Now, what you're going to have to do is unblock them,

but you're going to have to try and do it silently!

OK, so, do you think you can do it quietly?

KIDS: Yes!

Let's go. In position, please.

OK, drainiacs, it's pipe time.

The pupils must unblock three pipes by blowing down them,

which means one of them will get a face full of water.

They must be quiet if they want to bank a prize.

First up, it's Olly and Marcie.

Three...

..two...

..one, plumb!

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, and gymnast Olly couldn't twist out of that.

Let's see it again. Soaking face, the plumber's nightmare.

And Ashlea can't plug the laughs! Miss Gobstop, not impressed!

OK.

Next up, it's Callum and Ashlea.

Three,

two,

one, plumb!

No! The pipes will be clanging with clapping

all the way to the Gobstop 3000!

Is any hope of banking a prize disappearing down the tubes?

You and you were the best plumbers, so you come next.

It's the final plumb-down.

Top pipers Callum and Marcie going head-to-head.

Remember, don't try this crazy plumbing technique at home.

This is the last pipe! Three,

two,

one, plumb!

Ha-ha-ha!

Replay and re-splash!

Shrieks, cackles and laughs,

making this waterwork noisier than Niagara Falls!

Your silent test is over.

KIDS: Yes!

At the end of the lesson, we're going to find out just how silent

you were, and if you passed or if you failed.

Soggy gameplay in the plumbing there.

Can the team do better in the second test?

It's time for a silent test that is very, very important.

It's called babysitting.

Now, how do you feel about babysitting?

-Fine.

-Fine.

Fine, OK, good. Do you think you can do it silently, though?

-We'll have to see!

-Yes!

-We will have to see, Callum, we will!

-We will.

It's time to meet my little babies.

Oh, my God, they're going to be minging!

Oh, here they come, the little angels!

KIDS: Ahhh!

Little do the pupils know that Mr Gross's very realistic dolls

actually trump and wet themselves! A bit like him.

Your silence test starts now!

Marcie doesn't look like she's babysat before.

DOLL FARTS

DOLL FARTS

A mini-guff and tittering from the team,

but has Miss Gobstop picked it up?

DOLL FARTS

Oh, it's as if they've all forgotten it's a silent test!

Oh, dear. Ollie's little baby Gross has leaked all over him.

Callum finding all this trumping very funny there,

despite Marcie's quiet coaching.

Oh, Marcie caught napping, but good reflexes save her from a soaking.

DOLL FARTS

More bottom burps, and Olly doing some incredible silent laughing.

Ashlea looking very nervous.

I have a feeling she knew that was coming,

but still couldn't help herself gasping.

Your silence test is over!

KIDS: Yes!

Come on!

How do you think you did?

-All right.

-All right.

-I think we passed.

Yeah, maybe.

Very confident! It's interesting.

-Confident kids.

-Confident kids?

Confident Callum!

Deluded kids!

But what I think and what you think doesn't actually matter.

It's all down to our illustrious headmistress, Miss Gobstop!

TANNOY: Attention!

Attention! This is Miss Gobstop.

If you must clap in class, please use one hand!

Ashlea, gasping giggler.

Olly, smiley smirker!

Marcie, a model pupil.

Class...

Two tests, but is this a double disaster?

Have they blown any chance of banking a prize?

..Failed!

KIDS: Ohhh!

Do you know what?

You've taken up too much of my time with your noisy behaviour.

Get out of my class!

Go on, off you go!

We want to get out of this dump!

Yes, well, good riddance!

KIDS: Ohhh!

Too noisy, and we've ended up failing it! We need to be silent.

I'm sure we'll pass the next one.

Well, Callum, stop clapping!

-Yeah, don't clap!

-I'm clapping because I'm pleased.

-We're going to pass the next one.

-Yes, definitely.

-Yes!

KIDS: Wooo!

TANNOY: Attention! Attention!

This is the School of Silence.

I am delighted to announce that I have accepted

the lead role in this year's musical.

However, I have changed the musical's title.

This year, the hills will be alive with the sound of silence!

Thank you.

It's time for our students' second class, geography,

with Miss Adventure.

In a list of the world's most famous explorers,

Miss Adventure's name always comes very near the top, alphabetically.

So, can she lead this class on a silent mission?

Let's see.

After one hopeless fail, will the team bank a prize?

Hello.

Ashlea, could you come here for a second?

Sorry, I'm just having difficulty reaching my hat.

Thanks very much. Thank you very much.

Right, I'm Miss Adventure. I was watching you in Mr Gross's class.

Now, did you pass Mr Gross's class?

KIDS: No!

Now, why didn't you pass? Who was the noisy one?

Me!

-Hello, Callum.

-Hello.

-How are you doing?

-Fine, thanks.

-Yes?

-Yes.

-Where are you from?

-Carlisle.

-Carlisle. I've been to Carlisle.

-Have you?

-Yes, I have, many times.

-On your little adventures, eh?

Yes, on my little adventures, Callum, that's right,

on my little adventures!

So, I am Miss Adventure, the geography teacher,

and I'm going to set you a silence test, and do you know what?

-It's going to defeat you.

-Is it?

Let my silence test begin!

Every explorer needs to be able to deal with wild animals,

because wild animals must be kept apart.

The trick is to do it silently.

Wait till you see the wild animals I have. Now, don't be frightened!

Awww!

Awww!

Awww!

Now, you may not know it, but the duck and the mouse

are the fiercest of enemies,

and your silence test will be to keep these two apart.

Now, do you think you can do it?

KIDS: Yes!

Well, we'll see about that. So, everyone, positions, please.

The pupils have exactly one minute

to keep these feuding animals apart, whilst not making a sound.

Seconds out, it's silent test two.

My silent test commences in five, four, three, two, one.

Of course, mouse hasn't been happy

since duck developed a taste for cheese, and who can blame her?

Cracks from the team already.

Olly and Ashlea deploying the famous lower-leg mouse-hold,

while Callum and Marcie favouring the less well-known duck grapple.

Oh, and mouse is down! Can they hold onto her, and their giggles?

30 seconds. You're halfway through.

Just look at those usually cute creatures

trying to get at each other, the strain drawing out noise,

but will it register on the Gobstop 3000?

Ha-ha!

Let's hope duck's best friend cat never hears about this.

Your silence test is over!

KIDS: Yes!

Oooh, have our peacemakers kept quiet enough

to bank their first prize of the day?

Right, gather round.

Well done on keeping the duck and the mouse apart,

but that wasn't the point of the test.

It was to see whether or not you could stay silent.

Do you think you stayed silent?

KIDS: Yes!

To be honest, I heard quite a lot of giggling,

but it's not up to me, and it's not up to you.

It's up to the wonderful Miss Gobstop to tell us what she thought.

TANNOY: Attention! Attention!

This is Miss Gobstop. Your constant cackling continues, Callum!

Good job that your team-mates barely made a quack.

Class...

Will this be the second fail of the day?

Passed!

KIDS: Yes!

I don't believe it, I don't believe it!

I can't believe you passed that silence test.

I'm very annoyed, and I've had enough. Get out of my class.

Go on, get out.

KIDS: Wooo!

-We passed!

-Yes!

When we had to fight these animals, she said they were going to be

really fierce, but it was just a duck and a mouse.

I know. Wouldn't it be a cat and mouse?

-He was the only one talking and cackling.

-No, I wasn't too bad.

Cackling, confident Callum, he was!

And we've really got to pass the next one.

It's going to be really fun!

ALL: Wooo!

Meanwhile, over in the school's hamster cage.

Have I ever told you about my brother?

No?

He took a vow of silence, and he hasn't spoken for 12 years.

I wouldn't mind, but he never shuts up about it. Bang!

Nice one, hammy.

Well, we're halfway through the day,

and it's time for the next class, Performing Arts with Mr Prance!

You might well have seen Mr Prance in a cinema recently.

He sells the tickets on Friday, and the ice creams on Saturday,

but can our pupils raise their game,

and bank their second prize in his class?

-Hello, Mr Prance!

-Come in, take a seat.

-Hello, Mr Prance!

-Take a seat, take a seat!

-Hello?

-Hello? Is anyone there?

Hello! Bye-bye.

I am Mr Prance, and this is a class of the performing arts.

You're here to try and prove to me that you can remain quiet.

I'm here to prove that you cannot remain quiet.

I wonder who's going to win at the end of this test?

-I think that it will be us!

-Yeah.

The silence test is called the silent bellringing.

You will take it in turns to select a bell.

You will position under, and we'll see what happens.

Miss Gobstop is listening to every single sound you make,

and she'll decide at the end whether you've passed or failed.

Your silence test has begun.

Action!

So, bellringing in silence.

Our noisy pupils will take it in turns to sit under a bell,

which Mr Prance will ring.

They must stay silent, no matter what happens.

First up, it's Callum.

Oh, didn't get the full gunge there,

but enough to strain at the snigger muscles.

Next up is a nervous-looking Ashlea.

Ah, a lovely feather shower. She's been saved by the bell.

So far, the Carlisle crew have taken Prance's bells in their stride.

Marcie is up next.

Oh, what's this? A problem with the bell.

Ho-ho!

A calculated trick worthy of the Professor from Mr Prance, there,

but Marcie's gameplay too good for him.

Masterful muteness.

Last up, it's Olly.

Can he work this silence all the way to a prize?

Oh, ding-dong, direct hit! But he's taken it without a peep.

Great silent work, there.

Your silence test is over.

Well, a ringing improvement, but not a perfect performance.

Have the pupils done enough to pass?

Miss Gobstop has been listening, and she will tell you how you fared.

TANNOY: 'Attention!

'Attention! This is Miss Gobstop.

'I do love those bells. They make absolutely no noise at all.

'But I'm sure I heard some gasping.'

'Olly,

'Ashlea,

'Callum,

'and Marcie.

'Class...'

Could these pupils have banked their second prize of the day?

'Passed!'

Woo-hoo!

KIDS: Yes!

Get in!

'All the new pupils, please report to my office immediately!'

Yes, get out. Out. Out!

Sorry. See you, bye!

Yeah, bye-bye!

After that performance, the pupils are off to see headteacher

Miss Gobstop, to get their report before the final exam.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in!

KIDS: Yeah! Wooo!

Thank you.

So, you've been sent here today because you're all far too noisy.

Yeah.

And we've put you through some tough silent tests.

Shall we see how you did?

Yeah.

Olly.

You were bursting with noisy enthusiasm,

but was it loud enough to pop the Gobstop 3000?

Ashlea.

Cheeky little gigglebox, but you managed to put a lid on it.

Well done.

Callum.

You confidently cackled and clapped the whole day through.

Marcie.

Doesn't make a tweet. Meek as a mouse.

So, you've passed two classes.

Yep.

You've got the final exam to go in the Professor's laboratory.

Yes.

Dun-dun-dun!

Do you think you'll be able to keep it quiet?

KIDS: Yes!

We'll prove you lot wrong.

-Really?

-Yeah.

If you pass, you will graduate, and take home your two prizes,

and receive the ultimate reward - the Golden Gobstopper.

If you set off my Gobstop 3000 three times, you'll be expelled,

and go home with absolutely nothing.

So, why don't you go to the laboratory?

-OK. Bye!

-See you, Miss!

Goodbye!

It's crunch time. The final exam with the Professor.

His maths of mayhem and calculations

of chaos form the final barrier

between the pupils and graduation.

Ah, guten tag, children, and welcome to your final examination.

I am the Professor, you may have heard of me,

and today, with the help of my assistant, Herr Helmut...

Unicorns are amazing!

You calm down!

-He's not real.

-He's a puppet.

I tell you, he's not a puppet! He used to be a real person!

Now, the beautiful Fraulein Gobstopper shall be listening

in to you via the Gobstoppen 3000,

to see if you make any of the little, nasty, monster noises.

If you make three, you will be expelled.

Ha! Eat failure-cake, cabbage face!

You calm down!

But if you manage to make with the quiet, you will win!

But I think this is not likely.

You are so noisy, you sound more like lions having a fight at a disco.

Do you think you will win?

Yes!

We will win!

To get you in the mood, I tell you a quick joke.

Knock, knock. KIDS: Who's th...

Silence! Right, we will begin your examination in drei,

zwei,

eins!

THUNDERCLAPS

A-ha-ha!

PROFESSOR COUGHS

The Professor will do his level best to ensure that this team

from Carlisle don't get their hands on the Golden Gobstopper.

Oooh, it's going to be messy!

First up is Olly.

Let's see.

We're going to use one of my greatest and newest inventions,

the invisible paint.

It's amazing.

It works! It actually works!

Ha-ha-ha! It...

-You broke it!

-He broke it! Attack!

Don't attack him!

Amazing. Olly's unperturbed by the Professor's play paint ploy, there.

Ah, but now for you. Let's see, what do we have?

Marcie is next.

It's the incredible mind-reading pudding.

You don't even need to eat it to know what flavour it is.

-No, no, you can just look at it.

-Doesn't it look lovely?

It looks really nice. Can you taste it?

No? What about now?

Oh, Marcie me! I bet she can taste it now.

Great silent work though, Marcie!

What does the Professor have in store for Ashlea?

You look like you're made of stern stuff.

You shall go up against Helmut.

He is the stare-out champion of all of Great Britain!

Here you go. Go!

What's wrong?

-I'm going to sneeze!

-You're going to sneeze?

You can't sneeze. You'll sneeze right into her face!

Oh, it's a silly-string facial!

But silent determination from Ashlea. Glorious stuff!

And what dastardly trick awaits Callum?

Look at you, sir, your little cheeky face.

He's so nice, isn't he?

-But he stinks.

-He stinks?

Yes. He smells like owl pants.

Owl pants? That doesn't even make sense!

Bleugh!

What's wrong?

-Bleugh!

-You're going to be?

I'm going to be sick.

You're going to be sick?

Don't be sick over him! I'll tell you what. We'll be sick down here.

Bleugh!

Oh!

Textbook stuff there, from the Professor,

and admirable silence from cackling Callum.

Don't worry. I have a lever here to clean it up.

Can they sustain this silence, with only 20 seconds to go?

I have one here.

Mmmm!

No, spoke too soon!

Ah!

Yelps and squeals from Ashlea.

That could be a couple of strikes right there.

And now a gasp from Olly, oh dear! They were doing so well.

Right, that's it! The final examination is over!

KIDS: Yes!

So, with two prizes in the bank, has this team from Carlisle been quiet

enough to pass the final exam and take their prizes home with them?

Did they set off the Gobstop 3000 three times? Let's find out.

How about a kiss?

Quiet! Well, how do you think you did in your final examination?

KIDS: Great!

The only person that can decide whether or not

you will graduate the School of Silence or you will be expelled

is the glorious headteacher, Herr Gobstopper.

How did my little guinea pigs do?

Well, the final exam.

Did it break you?

Ashlea, can't you speak now?

Yeah, I feel amazing!

Feel amazing?

Well, I heard a lot more than amazing from you during the final exam!

So, the Gobstop 3000 has spoken.

Drum roll, please!

DRUM ROLL

You have...

..failed, and will be expelled!

KIDS: Awww!

High five!

Oh, it's a calamity! Let's see where it all went wrong.

They couldn't keep it in as the torrent of slime took over.

There were gasps,

squeals,

Mmmm!

and yelps!

Aaah!

The team set off the Gobstop 3000 at least three times,

which means the pupils have lost everything!

You are...

expelled!

KIDS: Aaaah!

Out!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd