Episode 12 School of Silence

Welcome to the School Of Silence,

where the noisiest children in the country

are sent to prove they can keep quiet.

We're about to meet four new arrivals

but can they keep quiet for just one day?

I doubt it!

Ssh!

Rrr!

Ssh!

TAPPING

HE GULPS

BELL

CHEERING

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes

to prove they can be silent,

followed by the crucial Final Exam which will determine

whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If I think the pupils managed to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they will bank price from my Confiscation Cupboard.

But if I think they are being too noisy...

LAUGHTER

SCREAMING

..they will get nothing and I will know about it

thanks to this device -

the Gobstop 3000, the latest in noise monitoring technology.

If they pass the Final Exam they will take all the prizes they have

banked and receive the ultimate reward - the Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep that shut I will have no choice

but to expel them and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

Today's noisy bunch are from Bristol.

They are getting their last chance of a right good

scream in front of head teacher Miss Gobstop and form tutor Mr Gross.

This loud lot are seriously going to struggle.

They will have to keep it shut to have any chance of going home

with a prize.

-You, step forward. Name?

-JONATHAN!

In case you did not get that it was Jonathan.

Jonathan would like to make a sound like a cow all day

as it annoys his teachers.

It puts them in a right moo-d!

-You, step forward. Name?

-ABI!

Abi hates it when her sister makes a really annoying goat noise.

It really gets her goat. Why Abi has a goat I have no idea.

-You, step forward. Name?

-JAMIE.

Wow, I think he unlodged a bit of old ear wax!

Jamie used to hate the sound of his dog howling loudly.

But he loves it now-ooooh!

-You, step forward. Name?

-CHLOE.

If Chloe could only make one noise she would pop her mouth

with her finger all day.

Is that what they call pop music?

Get out. Get rid of them quickly. Go, go, go.

It's time for classes to begin - the first lesson, General Studies

with Mr Gross.

This grotty teacher picks the most revolting challenges for his pupils,

so what awaits the team from Bristol in their first Silent Test?

Oh, wash your hands and bin that hanky, Mr Gross.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

-Aye-aye-aye!

-Knock knock.

-Knock what?

-Knock knock.

You have knocked once already. Why are you knocking again?

It is a joke.

-Knock knock.

-Who's there?

-Done up.

-Done up who?

-Done a poo!

He just said it!

-Done up who? Done up who?

-Don't you get it?

-I don't get it. Done up who?

-Done a poo!

Don't muck me, sonny, you'll come to grief. I am Mr Gross,

your General Studies teacher.

You are here because you're incessantly noisy

and you're going to try to prove that you can be silent.

But I don't think you can.

But at the end of the day it doesn't matter what I think,

because it's all down to our lovely headmistress Miss Gobstop.

-You have a crush on her!

-I won't hear gossip. It's not true.

-Yes you do.

-Shush.

Miss Gobstop is listening on these fluffy little microphones.

She knows if you're making too much noise.

It's time for your first Silent Test.

This test is all about gardening.

I will spin the wheel and whoever's colour comes up will have to

test one of the compost balls from the school compost heap.

They smell very suspicious and I think they're pretty gooey inside.

As it's the only way to test things that you don't know what they are -

the chosen child will smash it on the head.

And the mission is to be silent throughout. The test starts now.

I love this game.

Six compost balls, but whose colour is going to come up first?

Can the whole team stay silent?

It has stopped on purple. Abi has the purple tie so she is up first.

Oh it's a runny one.

-CHUCKLES

-That was a chuckle there.

Miss Gobstop will not like that.

There is a drip and I don't mean from Abi's hair.

Time to spin the wheel of misfortune again.

Who will be head-butting a ball this time? It's blue. Chloe is next.

And it's a stinker.

Look at that. Straight onto the head no messing.

But Chloe's staying composed with the compost.

Keep that up and they're going to pass this test.

OK let's go round again.

It's Abi again.

Is it going to be another runny one?

No it's a dry one. Can Abi keep hushed this time?

Who's going to get ball number four?

It's green which means it's Jamie's first ball.

Well, what happened there? He nearly missed his own head.

Mr Gross not missing his head and putting compost on it.

Back to the wheel and the final two balls.

It's purple and Abi is up again. Third time unlucky.

Great action, no messing, apart from all over her face.

Abi staying silent. Good stuff.

Last compost ball. It's the last one. Let's hope it's juicy.

Abi again. What are the chances of that?

SNIGGER

But was that a snigger? Remember, too much noise

and it's a fail from Miss Gobstop.

Look at that gunk go. Mr Gross is loving this.

And your silent test is over.

CHEERING

Time for the results. Have the team banked their first prize?

-I must say, Abi, you do look a lot better. How do you feel?

-Good.

How do you think you did in the Silent Test?

I think you did quite badly.

But it doesn't matter, at the end of the day what you think

or what I think.

The only person that matters is the Glorious Miss Gobstop.

KIDS: Ooh!

I won't have idle gossip. Let's see how you did on the test.

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

Jonathan, Jamie, Chloe, not a peep.

Abi, your giggling was heard even through the compost.

But this is just the beginning. Be careful. Class...

Here come the results. Will the day start with a prize in the bank?

..passed.

CHEERING

-I don't believe it! Get out.

-Your crush went against you!

It did did it? Get out of my class. Shut the door on your way.

-Get your hair cut!

-Good riddance.

-Get a wig and a new hairstyle!

KIDS SHOUTING

-He was the lucky one.

-I didn't get any.

She started giggling, but we don't blame her

because she got it on her head.

And we're going to get through the next class

because the work as a team and we make each other laugh

but we don't do it when we are in a test.

CHEERING

-Attention, attention...

-'Jay-Z is in the house.'

-This is the school of....

-'Justin Bieber.'

-Due to a technical

oversight the Tannoy system is experiencing

interference from a local radio station.

-It's going to take...

-'Jedward's new single...'

-..to sort this issue.

-Thank you.

-'Lady Gaga, I was born this way.'

-AARGH!

It's time for Class Two, Geography with Miss Adventure.

She travelled the world before she popped up at the School Of Silence.

Can our pupils pick up another prize in her class?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in, come in, young roamers. Shut the door. Lovely.

-HE WHOOPS

-Sit up straight.

I'm Miss Adventure, Geography teacher. Welcome to my class.

-I understand you passed Mr Gross's lesson.

-It was too easy.

-It was easy was it? Do you think my class will be easy?

-Probably.

It's not going to be easy at all. I have a fiendish test for you.

I'm going to defeat you in my Silence Test.

I'm going to defeat you,

I'm going to defeat you, I'm going to defeat you.

So, it's time for my Silent Test.

Every explorer needs to be able to play "Bottumo"

which is of course bottom sumo.

You will each step into the ring using only your bottom to

-force my

-"Bottumo"

-champion out of the ring.

I have a treat for you.

I have the world champion of "Bottumo" here today.

All the way from Paris. I have Francois.

How will our team get on against Francois from Paris?

Francois!

Each contestant must try and stay in the ring while they

and the rest of the team stay silent.

"Bottumo".

First up is Jonathan.

Your Silence Test commences in five,

four, three, two, one, play "Bottumo"!

GASPS

Is that gasping already? A little laughing going on also.

Jonathan has not stopped with the noise since he entered the ring.

Miss Gobstop will not be happy.

He's out.

"Bottumo".

Next it's Abi. Can she stay quieter than Jonathan?

Not that that's difficult.

Look at that defensive bottom shuffling technique. Textbook stuff.

Done in complete silence. I like it.

And she has won her bout. Well done.

"Bottumo".

And it's Jamie's turn.

Can he keep quiet and help get the team another prize?

SQUEALS

Not if Miss Gobstop catches Jamie sniggering.

There's the technique commonly known as running away.

GRUNTS

Is that more noise from Jamie?

Bout over. Bout over.

Francois is the winner. "Bottumo".

The final bout.

It's a real David versus Goliath contest here.

Can Chloe upset the odds and stay silent?

There's some determined bottom barging from Chloe there.

What an upset!

She has knocked Le Grand Fromage out in total silence.

Was her effort enough to make up for Jamie and Jonathan's noise?

Your Silence Test is over.

CHEERING

Here comes the results. Pass or fail.

"Bottumo". How do you think you did Jonathan? Do you think you passed?

I'm not sure.

-We might have passed.

-Abi, how do you think you did?

We're going to pass.

You're definite about that. I don't think you're going to pass.

-Francois, do you think they're going to pass?

-No.

But it doesn't matter what I think. It's what Miss Gobstop thinks.

-Let's find out if you've passed.

-Attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

Jamie, squealing like a piggy.

SQUEALS

Not appropriate. Jonathan, a lot of groaning and panting.

PANTING

Class...

Is it going to be the pupils' second banked prize?

..failed.

FRANCOIS: Ooh-ooh-ooh!

What a shame you failed my Silence Test. Never mind.

I've had enough of you. Get out. Off you go. Goodbye. Lovely.

We don't blame Jonathan and Jamie for making too much sound.

..And turn!

I used too much cheek so I need to stop that for now.

She said you were screaming like a pig.

KIDS: We're going to pass the next class.

CHEERING

We'll see. Meanwhile in the school's hamster cage.

How many syllables?

I know, I know, it's a film. No it's a song. I've got it.

Silent Night. Bank!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the school's Performing Arts

teacher, Mr Les Prance.

A former star of silent radio. With only one prize banked so far

How are our pupils going to get on with the next test?

WHOOPING

-Wake up, Mr Prance.

-Whoa!

I am Mr Prance, teacher of Performing Arts.

Here in the Theatre Of Silence...

SNORING...

Sorry am I keeping you awake?

-No.

-In the Theatre Of Silence I am here to test you to prove that you

cannot remain quiet.

-Are you going to pass this class?

-Yes.

-OK.

I can tell at a glance you'll not beat Mr Prance.

It's now time for my Silent Test. This is the School Of Silence

first silent orchestra.

You will be my cymbal players. In a silent orchestra what do we want?

-Silence.

-Shut up!

Remember, Miss Gobstop will be listening to every single

sound you make.

This test is percussion practice, School Of Silence style.

The team must use their cymbals to catch the gunge-filled

balloons that Mr Prance will lob at them.

Can they do it silently? Can they keep clean? I doubt it.

Your Silence Test begins now.

It's Jonathan and Chloe up first. Mr Prance is off.

It's a barrage of balloons, but the pupils are keeping quiet

under pressure. Well defended.

20 seconds left.

Jonathan's been splattered.

Look at that. Brilliant hand-eye-shut-mouth coordination.

Is this going to mean a pass

and more importantly will keep Miss Gobstop happy?

It has. Look at that. A rare smile.

Next up is Jamie and Abi.

Can they keep up the good work and help bank the team another prize?

Mr Prance is off again. There's his spin. It's a tricky delivery.

Abi has knocked that away.

But she gets soaked on that one much to Jonathan's silent amusement.

Agh!

That got a groan out of Jamie.

Miss Gobstop didn't like that any more than he did.

The final 20 seconds and Prance is firing everything at them.

He's taking no prisoners.

Feathers there, but Jamie's not chicken!

Can Prance break them in the final few seconds?

And the Silence Test is complete!

CHEERING

Once again I have proved without a shadow of a doubt that

I am brilliant.

You lot, my word, I think I have to

continue my search for my cymbal players.

Jamie, what's all this? It's not shadowboxing, it's cymbal playing.

Miss Gobstop has been listening through your microphones

and she will tell you whether you have passed or failed.

Attention, attention, this is Miss Gobstop.

Chloe, Jonathan, Abi, you all have natural rhythm.

As for Jamie, you dropped a clanger!

Agh!

Well, Class...

What's it going to be? A pass and another prize banked or a fail?

..passed.

CHEERING

No! No!

'This is Miss Gobstop.'

Will the new pupils please report to my office immediately?

Get out!

-We are silent!

-Yes, yes! Out, out!

So with all classes over it's time for the pupils to see Miss Gobstop

and get their reports before the final exam.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

So, you were sent here because you're all far too noisy.

-Were we?

-We have put you through Silent Tests.

-Shall we see how you've done.

-Yes.

Jonathan, little bit of a grunter, aren't we?

GRUNTING

Abi. Lady luck covered you in muck.

Still a bit yellow already, aren't you?

But you've done quite well. Jamie, not very good at keeping that shut.

GRUNTING

Chloe, quiet as a mouse, strong as an ox.

You beat that "Bottumo", didn't you?

You've had three classes. You've passed two.

That means you've banked two prizes.

I'm going to send you off to the Professor

in the Science Lab for the Final Exam

where you're going to keep it quiet and then

if you pass, you get to go home,

not only with all the prizes you've banked

but with the Golden Gobstopper.

-How about that?

-Good.

-Yeah.

But if you fail you don't get anything.

-One last thing - Mr Gross is in love with you.

-Is he?

-Yeah.

-Bless him.

-Off to your final exam. Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Go!

WHOOPING

Cheeky little cherubs!

It's time for the final exam with The Professor.

His dastardly lab full of his newest and greatest inventions is

all that's standing between our bunch from Bristol and their prizes.

Ah, Guten tag, children. Welcome to your Final Examination.

I am the Professor. With the help of my assistant Herr Helmut...

"I ate an onion sandwich." Ahem. Aargh.

We will be testing to see if you have learned the silence, ja?

-From what I hear you will fail. Fail, fail, fail!

-Oh yeah?

-Yes...

-I've got a joke for you.

-You've got a joke for me?

-Knock knock.

-Who's there? Silence! What we will do -

I will pit you against the power of my latest experiments.

However, if you make three of the bad, bad noises you will fail.

"Na-na-na. He stuck his tongue out at me!"

You're talking to a puppet.

He is not a puppet, he's my dearest friend.

The one called Jamie is onto us. "Don't panic. Don't panic."

I'm panicking, I'm panicking! Get off! Right!

What will happen today is that

if you make three of the bad, bad noises you will

fail, but if you manage to keep it quiet, as unlikely as that is,

then you will graduate

and you will win the fantastic elusive Gobstopper

and some amazing prizes. Are you ready to commence?

KIDS: Yes.

It looks like the Professor is determined

to keep the Golden Gobstopper out of their hands. Do your worst!

We shall begin in drei, zwei, eins!

THUNDER

Let us see my wonderful new experiments.

Number one. Something very special for you.

First up is Abi.

This is animal pie.

It is made with lots of good ingredients like, pig snot

and panda doo-doo and it's very bad.

I know. Would you like a little taste? No?

Ooh! there goes the pie in the face.

What about now? Hmm?

But no reaction from Abi.

Right, the next one we do.

Next it's Chloe.

I am going to pit you against Herr Helmut.

He is the stare-out champion of all of great Britain.

Do you think you can beat him? Look him in the eye.

"Look me in the eye, Chloe. Look me in the eye. I've got to sneeze."

Don't sneeze, we're in the middle of an examina... "Ah-choo!"

Not a flicker. What strength, what willpower. Masterful gameplay.

She is good. She is strong this one.

Now it's Jonathan's turn.

What do we have next? Yes, my special friend here.

This is my singing chicken.

It's like a chicken version of Lady Gaga.

What's that? You're not feeling well?

You think you're going to be sick?

He's going to be sick. Oh dear.

"Nnnnngh!"

Jonathan has been splurged by chicken,

but was that a gasp behind his hands?

It could have been worse. It could have came out the other end!

Right, now finally we come to you.

Last up is Jamie.

Is he the weakest link?

I have something very special for you.

It is my anti-gravity paint. It floats in the air above your head.

Here we go.

Success, success!

You broke my anti-gravity paint!

You will pay for this. Let's see if we can get...

My machines have gone crazy again!

Let me see if I can get you cleaned up.

Jamie holding on bravely there.

We're into the final 20 seconds now. They really want those prizes.

Can they keep it up without setting off the Gobstop 3000?

Remember three strikes mean they are expelled

and they go home empty-handed.

That is it. The final examination is over.

Ha-ha-ha!

Well, you little noisy monsters, how do you think you did?

Did you think you squeaked or squawked? I think you did.

If it was up to me you would fail outright. But that is not up to me.

It is up to the beautiful Fraulein Gobstopper to see

if you have passed the School Of Silence or if you're expelled.

She is a beautiful lady. Do not laugh at her.

-You've got a crush on her like Mr Gross!

-They're onto us!

Do not tell anyone! Enough of this!

Fraulein Gobstopper?

They have passed two classes and failed one.

With two prizes and the Golden gobstopper at stake did they

pass the final exam and graduate?

Fraulein Gobstopper, how did my wonderful guinea pigs do?

I was listening to my Gobstop 3000.

You...

DRUM ROLL

..have graduated!

CHEERING

Well, a great victory for the team from Bristol.

They have won their prizes and the Golden Gobstop.

Let us see how they did it.

The Professor dug deep, but even using his world-famous animal pie,

anti-gravity paint, and a sick-singing chicken,

he only got the slightest of gasps from Jonathan.

Incredibly they have registered absolutely no

strikes on the Gobstop 3000.

What an outstanding performance.

I can't remember the last time that happened.

You graduated. That means you get to go to the Confiscation Cupboard

and take your prizes. Now, get out and spread the silence.

Go!

WHOOPING

CHATTER

CHEERING

Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd