Episode 1 Sorry I've Got No Head
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
# La-la-la-la-la | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
# La-la-la-la-la | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
# Ohhhhhh | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
# La-la-la-la-la | 0:00:10 | 0:00:13 | |
# La-la-la-la-la | 0:00:13 | 0:00:16 | |
# La-la-la-la-la. # | 0:00:16 | 0:00:19 | |
-Little man. -Yes, you. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:21 | |
-Little Man. -Come here. -Little Man! | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
Hello there. | 0:00:23 | 0:00:24 | |
We have become inexplicably lost. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:27 | |
We are looking for a haberdasher. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
-We need some elastic. -For my stockings. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
They come down when I'm doing my parkour. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
Right, now sorry, ladies. This is a 10-pin bowling alley. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:37 | |
10 men holding a rabbi?! | 0:00:37 | 0:00:38 | |
Tintin holding a baby?! | 0:00:38 | 0:00:39 | |
-What? -It doesn't make sense! | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
Have you gone insane? | 0:00:42 | 0:00:43 | |
No, no. A 10-pin bowling alley. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
You have to knock down 10 pins. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
-Oh, I see. -Sounds rather fun. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:49 | |
-It is! -Perhaps we should start with one pin - ease ourselves in. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:53 | |
-Good plan. -It's got to be 10. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:54 | |
-We should have 10 balls? -Yes. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
No, sorry. 1 ball and 10 pins. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
We'll try that then. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:00 | |
Right, great. Well, it's £4 for the lane hire... | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
Seems reasonable. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
You've got hire your shoes... | 0:01:07 | 0:01:08 | |
Hire shoes?! | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
Nothing's free these days, is it? | 0:01:10 | 0:01:11 | |
Apart from that jet ski you found. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
I didn't find it, my dear, I stole it. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
-Did you? -I'm in court next week. Quite exciting! | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
-Anyway - hiring shoes! -Ridiculous! Goodness me, yes. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
You'll be wanting to hire us suspenders next. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
Then the hairnets and the rubber knickers. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
It's just shoes. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:27 | |
They'll charge you for each pin you knock down. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:30 | |
The wear and tear on the floor! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't get much change out of £1,000 | 0:01:32 | 0:01:36 | |
when you've bowled all your 10 pins. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:37 | |
-£1,000! -I'd say about £1,000. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
I suppose it's what things cost these days. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
It's really not that much. It's... | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
-£1,000! -It's ridiculous, £1,000! | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
-It's not worth it, £1,000. -Disgusting, £1,000! | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
-I hate you! -Come on, dear. Let's go and buy racehorses and play polo. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:53 | |
-Good day! -I hope someone bowls one of those at you | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
and your legs come off. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:57 | |
-You're all wearing the same shoes. -Don't you roll that! | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
Don't you do it! | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
Sit down! | 0:02:02 | 0:02:03 | |
'Well, goodness me. It's chaos out on the roads this morning. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
'I don't envy anyone | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
'who has to take their car out on a school run today.' | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
Fancy being such a silly sausage as to need to drive to school. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
Just fancy! | 0:02:16 | 0:02:17 | |
Fancy, indeed. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:18 | |
We don't need to use | 0:02:18 | 0:02:19 | |
our carbon-emitting, gas-guzzler, do we, Timmy? | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
Abso-spiffo-lutely not, Mummy! | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
Because we are... | 0:02:24 | 0:02:25 | |
BOTH: ..ideas people! | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
And we've had a propellerery-good idea today, haven't we? | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
One of the best! | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
Here it is - the boy plane! | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
You see, you just pop it on like Mummy's brave little solider. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:41 | |
And then boom-bang-a-bang - | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
you've whooshed high above the streets and houses - | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
rainbow, climbing high - | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
until you land safely in your form room, just in time for assembly! | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
Well, here goes! | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
Oh, blimey. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:57 | |
It weighs a tonne. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:58 | |
Well, we need this big propeller because somebody in the room | 0:02:58 | 0:03:02 | |
likes their second helpings of rice pudding, don't they, Timmy? | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
Oh, shush, Mummy! | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
We're just beating the school run, popsy. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
-Are you ready? -Umm, well I suppose so. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
It really is jolly heavy. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:13 | |
Well... Chocks away! | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
-ENGINE WHIRS -Oh, oh! | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
-Have a good flight, Captain Timmy! -I can't hold it up any more. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:22 | |
It's too heavy! | 0:03:22 | 0:03:23 | |
Wa-argh! | 0:03:23 | 0:03:24 | |
CRASHING | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
ENGINE ROARS | 0:03:26 | 0:03:27 | |
TIMMY SCREAMS | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
I'll get the car keys, shall I? | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
Welcome back to the 2009 World Zombie Games | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
where the competition is really hotting up. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
The British competitor takes the stage | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
Just look at the concentration on what remains of his face. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:53 | |
Now, here comes the lift. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
-SQUELCHING CROWD: -Awww! | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Oh, not again! That's the third one today! | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
No lift! | 0:04:02 | 0:04:03 | |
He just couldn't keep it together. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
-Hard to see him making the next round now. -Ohh! | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
So, we got the furniture home and we had to assemble it ourselves. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
I mean, have you ever heard of such lunacy? | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
Hey, everybody, I've just learnt a new magic trick | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
by Loki Sickum. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
THEY GASP EXCITEDLY | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
THEY APPLAUD | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
Oh, that is incredible. Well done, Sven. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
That's not the trick. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:40 | |
That's just me getting the cards out. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
You mean there's more? | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
Oh, yes. There's much more. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
Incredible, by Valhalla. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:48 | |
Pick a card, any card. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
THEY GASP EXCITEDLY | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
THEY APPLAUD | 0:04:58 | 0:04:59 | |
It comes apart - it's amazing! | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
That is incredible. Well done... | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
No, that's not the trick. There's more. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
Now, look at the other side of the card. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
And don't let me see it. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
THEY GASP EXCITEDLY | 0:05:15 | 0:05:16 | |
It is different on the other side. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Oh, it is magic. Magic! | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
That is incredible. Well done, Sven. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
No, that's not the trick! Please just remember the card. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:30 | |
Now tear it up. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
THEY GASP EXCITEDLY That's not the trick! | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
Right, sorry. Sorry... | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
Now...reach under your beard. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:41 | |
And see what's there. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
Ta-dah! | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
What? I...I don't get it. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
Anyway, this furniture that we had to assemble. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:03 | |
What you needed was a tiny devilish piece of metal | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
called The Key Of Allen | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
Hello there. Now before I get on with today's cooking tips, | 0:06:09 | 0:06:13 | |
I'd like to introduce you to a very, very special guest. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
It's my sister, Joy, and it's her first time on television. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
Hello, home viewers. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
Now, when we were children, | 0:06:23 | 0:06:24 | |
Joy and I used to fight like cat and dog. Didn't we, Joy? | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
Didn't we, Joy? | 0:06:27 | 0:06:28 | |
Oh, yes. Like cat and dogs. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
That's because we couldn't agree on which berry was better | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
because I really love a blueberry. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
PFF-RRT! | 0:06:36 | 0:06:37 | |
Whereas Joyce really likes... | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
..loganberry. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:40 | |
PFF-RRT! | 0:06:40 | 0:06:41 | |
Whereas we all know that the better berry is the blueberry. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:45 | |
PFF-RRT! | 0:06:45 | 0:06:46 | |
-Loganberry! -PFF-RRT! | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
Blueberry! PFF-RRT! | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
-Loganberry! -PFF-RRT! | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
Blueberry! PFF-RRT! | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
-THEY BREAK WIND CONTINUOUSLY -Loganberry. -Blueberry. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
Loganberry. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
Blue...berry. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
Loganberry. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:03 | |
PFF-RRT! | 0:07:03 | 0:07:04 | |
This isn't over, we'll open a window and get back to you. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:10 | |
-Loganberry! -Blueberry! PFF-RRT! | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
There's your token, Kath, love. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
15 minutes, all right? Enjoy, love. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
See ya. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:22 | |
-Hi there. -Hiya. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:26 | |
I'd like to go on a sun bed, please. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
Eh...you want to go on a sun bed? | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
Yeah, I thought I was looking a bit pale. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
How much is it five minutes in a stand-up one? | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
None of our booths are free at the moment. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
I can see a free one there. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
Yeah...that one's broken. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
Uh...reserved... | 0:07:44 | 0:07:45 | |
It's...broken. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
Right. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:50 | |
-I see what's happening here. -Sorry? | 0:07:50 | 0:07:53 | |
You don't want to serve me just because I'm different. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
No, no, it's not... | 0:07:56 | 0:07:57 | |
You don't want the likes of me in your shop. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
I'll tell you this, missy, | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
I don't have to take this kind of prejudice, | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
I may be made of snow but I can do anything you can do. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
It's my basic right as a human being! | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
..Or somebody who looks vaguely like a human being - doesn't matter. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
Point is, I want to go in a tanning booth | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
and I'm gonna go in a tanning booth. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
Yeah, all right, but you'll need these. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
Right, thank you. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:22 | |
I'll put it on a low setting. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
And if you need anything, just knock. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
ELECTRONIC HUM | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
Ahh! | 0:08:34 | 0:08:35 | |
Hello? Excuse me. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
Hello? | 0:08:44 | 0:08:45 | |
Hi. Ummm... | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
Yeah, on second thoughts, | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
could I have five minutes in the fridge instead? | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
Hello? | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
Hello, is there anybody here? | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
It's Mrs Craddock from British Heritage. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
I've come to inspect the museum for the new guidebook. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:13 | |
Mr Elevenses, Mr Faraway, are you there? | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
We have an appointment. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:17 | |
-We bid you good mornington. -Good afternoon indeed. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
Excuse Mr Faraway, he cannot speak a word of English. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
-Not a word. -He's a Frenchman! | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
French through and through | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
so I cannot speak a word of your language. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
Well, bonjour. Ca va? | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
I beg your pardon! | 0:09:32 | 0:09:33 | |
Oh...I was...umm, oh never mind. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
Now, listen, I'm here to inspect the museum as part of the guidebook. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:41 | |
Well, if you've come to view the museum, | 0:09:41 | 0:09:43 | |
you've certainly come to the right place. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
BOTH: Welcome to The Museum Of The Imagination! | 0:09:45 | 0:09:51 | |
La-la-rrrrrrr. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
Wonderful. Shall we get started? | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
Gladly. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:56 | |
Beneath this cloth lies the flame from the Lighthouse Of Alexandria. | 0:09:56 | 0:10:01 | |
Illuminated 2,000 years ago and never extinguished. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:05 | |
He said, "A-oe eh, o aten, e-eh-o. A-oh, emy." | 0:10:05 | 0:10:09 | |
Fire? The Lighthouse Of Alexandria? Are you sure? | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
Sure, we're sure, we're sure. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
-We are certain! -He said, FRENCH ACCENT: "We are certain." | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
Well, goodness! I'd love to see it. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
You certainly may. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:20 | |
BOTH: In your imagination! | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
I'm sorry, are you saying I can't actually see it? | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
I'm saying, you can see it. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
BOTH: In your imagination! | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure this is gonna be the right thing | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
for the guidebook. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:34 | |
Have you got any actual exhibits | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
or shall I simply remove you from the book? | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
Come this way! | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
He said, "Would you like a croque-monsieur?" | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
Oh, do apologise. He actually said, "Come this way." | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
Sorry, my French is a little rusty. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
Under here we have the sword of Aegeus. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:53 | |
used by Theseus to slay the Minotaur in the labyrinth. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
-He said... -I got it! | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
Oh, you speak French. Well, why didn't you say? I feel such a fool. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:02 | |
Well any museum that has an exhibit | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
such as the sword deserves five stars. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
May I see it? | 0:11:06 | 0:11:07 | |
Of course you may! | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
BOTH: In your imagination! | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
Oh, this is outrageous! | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
I'm having you removed from the book. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
-Feel free to use our phone. -Thank you. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
BOTH: In your imagination! | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
Oh, oh! | 0:11:21 | 0:11:22 | |
Well, didn't she want to see the alien? | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
I suppose not, Mr Faraway. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:30 | |
-What a pity. -What a pity. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:31 | |
What a p... | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
What a p...? | 0:11:33 | 0:11:34 | |
No, it's no good. I'm going to have to get my French dictionary. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
ELECTRONIC THUMPING | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
What are you playing? | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
-Boxing. -Oh, can I play? | 0:11:44 | 0:11:45 | |
-Only one controller. -That's all right. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
I got gloves! | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
Yeah, whatever. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:51 | |
ELECTRONIC THUMPING | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
Whoa! | 0:11:54 | 0:11:55 | |
-Ugh! -Knockout! | 0:11:56 | 0:11:57 | |
Tickets please, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
Can I see you ticket please, sir? | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
Oh, yes, yes. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:03 | |
There you are. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
This ticket isn't valid. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
-What? -This is an Extra Saver Advance ticket. It's not valid. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:11 | |
-You'll need to pay a penalty fare. -Why isn't it valid? | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
Extra Saver Advance tickets are only valid | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
on nominated trains, Monday to Friday, | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
off peak, excluding bank holiday Mondays. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
If you're travelling on a peak hours service | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
you'll need a Standard Saver Advance ticket | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
unless you book online or on the phone, | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
in which case you're liable to a 99p charge. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
I could upgrade you on this service to a Super Plus Advance ticket | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
unfortunately, you are sitting in | 0:12:35 | 0:12:36 | |
a Standard Super-Extra-Quiet Family Coach. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
Right that is quite complicated. Umm... | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
How much do I have to pay? | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
There's a £132.42... sorry, 47p. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
-That's loads! -I'm sorry, sir. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
But I didn't know. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
If you don't pay, I'm going to have to eject you at the next station. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:55 | |
Fine. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:56 | |
That's fine, I'll... | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
Witch! She's a witch! | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
-CHORAL MUSIC CHANTING: -Witch! Witch! Witch! | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! | 0:13:09 | 0:13:13 | |
Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
He-he-he! | 0:13:16 | 0:13:17 | |
-ALL: -Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! | 0:13:17 | 0:13:21 | |
Wooo! Woo! | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
What? It's a bit steep, that's all. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:36 | |
'The next stop on the train will be Buxton.' | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
Oh, no. I'm on the wrong train! | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
Well, opening a shop is a bit of a departure for me | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
but sometimes you've just got to take a risk in life? | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
You're being really brave. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
So do you wanna see it? | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
-I'd love to. -Right, here we go. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
Behold! My brand-new cake shop. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
We sell cake and only cake. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
Just cakes. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
Might that not be a bit of a problem? | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
I don't think so. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
Ah! Just me and my lovely cake shop. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:24 | |
Lovely cake everywhere... | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
looking at me... | 0:14:26 | 0:14:28 | |
Hello! | 0:14:28 | 0:14:29 | |
Cake! Cake! | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
Cake! | 0:14:35 | 0:14:36 | |
Cake! Cake! | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
Ah...cake! | 0:14:39 | 0:14:40 | |
I love you too. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
Argh! | 0:14:57 | 0:14:58 | |
I bet it might be my birthday. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
How's it going? | 0:15:15 | 0:15:16 | |
Emm...really well. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
All the cake, I sold all the... | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
Customers came, bought all the cakes. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
Well, looking at your test results, I'd say you've got CHS | 0:15:28 | 0:15:32 | |
or Compulsive Hiding Syndrome. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
I can see you. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:39 | |
Emily and Monty Forrest have been an acting/singing duo for seven years. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:49 | |
In that time, they've auditioned for more than 17,000 roles together... | 0:15:49 | 0:15:54 | |
..without success. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:56 | |
-Hello, greetings-abore! -Morning! | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
-Hey, guys. Great to see you. -Great to see you too. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
I think you'll agree this is a special audition. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
-Harry Pipper The Musical... -Potter! | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
-What? -Potter! | 0:16:12 | 0:16:13 | |
I'm sorry, I haven't got time. We've got an audition to do. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
I have scheduled in some Potter-ing about time later on! | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
You care to join me? | 0:16:19 | 0:16:20 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
-A routine we worked out. -A little jokette. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
-There's plenty more. -There's a lot more gold in them thar hills! | 0:16:25 | 0:16:29 | |
Yee-ha! | 0:16:29 | 0:16:30 | |
Oh, so-how-excited-are-we.com? The musical of Harry Potter! | 0:16:30 | 0:16:35 | |
Apparently it's going to be spectacular. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
Fantastic-arbus excitabore! | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
-Right... -She's learned all the spells. Brilliant! | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
-Thank you very much-icus! -See? | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
And, knowing you two, | 0:16:45 | 0:16:46 | |
you've probably got something pretty special lined up. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
Absolutely. What better than a spot of magic to impress the judges - | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
win a few extra house points. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
It's a classic illusion that Emily got out of a magic book | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
-and we built it last night. So shall we show them? -Shall we? | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
Absoluticus. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:01 | |
Here we go. Clothicus revealibus! | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
-Now what we do, is we put Monticus inside here. Oops. -There we go. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:11 | |
You open the Gryffindor, I'll Slytherin! | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
Just lower myself down there. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
Mind me Hufflepuff. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:20 | |
Oh, little bit tight. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:23 | |
One too many puddings me-thinks. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
Trying to close my account at Bertie Bott's. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:28 | |
So, I've got a saw. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
And I'm basically going to saw him in half. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
The whole thing's a trick. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
Then I shout, "Monticus-one-piecius" and he's back in one piece. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
And piff-paff-poof. and the parts are ours. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
Well, that certainly sounds pretty spectacular. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
OK, Emily and Monty Forrest. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
That's us. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:45 | |
Fingericus cross-ibore! | 0:17:45 | 0:17:48 | |
I forgot how to do the trick. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:59 | |
Oh! So I've got to go home, get the spell book, | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
come back and put him back into one piecicus. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
Got to be honest, not feeling great. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
I think there is a pretty good chance I'm going to faint. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
Yeah, here it comes... | 0:18:13 | 0:18:14 | |
Oh, right up the duff. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
Oh! | 0:18:18 | 0:18:19 | |
We didn't get it. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
ELECTRONIC BEEP | 0:18:31 | 0:18:32 | |
ELECTRONIC BEEP | 0:18:33 | 0:18:34 | |
-OVER TANNOY: -Peter? Peter? | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
Peter, could I get a price on some toilet paper, please? | 0:18:46 | 0:18:50 | |
I have a look. What kind is it? | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
It's Bunny Soft for sensitive bottoms - | 0:18:52 | 0:18:56 | |
got a picture of a rabbit's bottom on it. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
How big... How big is it? | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
How much toilet paper does the woman need? | 0:19:00 | 0:19:04 | |
I'll ask her. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:05 | |
-You want both packs? Have we got a two-for-one on them? -I don't know. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:09 | |
There's not a two-for-one but she's got two. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
So, it's eight rolls. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
She needs all eight rolls of this sensitive-bottom toilet paper. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
Yeah! | 0:19:17 | 0:19:18 | |
-Toilet tissue for sensitive bottoms. -RUMBLING | 0:19:18 | 0:19:22 | |
Oh no, it's happening again. Oh, no! | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
Oh, I'm so embarrassed. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:27 | |
Umm...don't worry about the rest, I'll come back later. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:40 | |
DOOR BEEPS | 0:19:44 | 0:19:45 | |
She can't get out the door. Have you got any pins? | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
Butter? Butter'll do. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
This is the remote Hebridean island of North Barrasay. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:58 | |
And this is Valerie Carpenter, head - and only teacher - | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
at the school which has only one pupil. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
It's fundraising day and the children and staff of North Barrasay | 0:20:07 | 0:20:11 | |
are in a charitable mood. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
Can you tell us what's happening, Ross? | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
Umm, we're doing a Bring And Buy sale | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
and we're raising money for good causes. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
We have a very active charity programme | 0:20:20 | 0:20:25 | |
here at the school. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:26 | |
I think it teaches them social conscience | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
and helps them understand | 0:20:29 | 0:20:30 | |
that they're part of a larger society, you know? | 0:20:30 | 0:20:33 | |
What is the good cause today? | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
Oh, eh, well today we're raising money | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
for improvements around the school. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
Here's the totaliser - just a bit of fun. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:44 | |
Emm, and there at the top, is the target. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:49 | |
What's the significance of the leather chair at the top there? | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
Oh, well, that's our target. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
If we take £60 today, | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
it means we can afford a brand-new, shiny chair... | 0:20:56 | 0:21:00 | |
we...eh... for the staff. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
So charity begins at home then, Valerie? | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
Well, I think it'll benefit everybody, you know? | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
I mean, if I'm comfortable, it will enhance my teaching abilities | 0:21:10 | 0:21:14 | |
and therefore, Ross's education will become that much richer so... | 0:21:14 | 0:21:18 | |
-Will I be able to sit in the chair too? -Eh...no. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
No, it will be adjusted to my comfort...level. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:25 | |
You know, relieving my back pain, Ross, | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
will ensure your future success. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
So, Ross what have you brought along today? | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
I've brought six cans of shellfish - hand-tinned by my granddad. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:39 | |
He gives one to me every Christmas. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
Some of these are over 10 years old. That's vintage seafood! | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
I see you've got quite a lot of cash to spend there. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
Yeah, it's £55 and 20 pence. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:51 | |
The result of two summers' back-breaking work | 0:21:51 | 0:21:54 | |
clearing barnacles off the bottom of Archie's boat. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:57 | |
And what are you hoping to pick up? | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
I haven't really looked round all the stalls yet. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
Umm... Oh! There's a nice bike. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
It's quite like my bike at home. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
It really is like my bike at home. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
Miss! What is my bike doing here? | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
Oh, your mother donated it this morning. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:15 | |
But I didn't say she could sell it. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
Don't be so uncharitable, Ross! | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
But you can't give it away. I need it! I need a bike. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:23 | |
Well, you're in luck. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:24 | |
Because we have a lovely, shiny bike here for sale | 0:22:24 | 0:22:27 | |
with your name already inscribed at no extra charge. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
Well, how much is it? | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
-£40. -It's worth £50! | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
Oh, well 50, then. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:36 | |
Oh! Fine, there you go. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
Oh, Ross, you'll be needing a helmet. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
£5, thank you. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
How much for the tinned seafood? | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
Oh, £20. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:50 | |
Miss. Miss? | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
Not now. I'm in the middle of a massage. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:02 | |
I don't understand how this is helping. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
DOOR OPENS | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
Oh, hello, Archie. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:08 | |
I've got to complain about this tinned seafood I bought off you. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
Why on earth did you know bring it back before? | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
Well, I couldn't have. I've been on the toilet for four days straight. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:18 | |
-Give him a refund, Ross. -Oh, Miss! | 0:23:18 | 0:23:22 | |
Just give the man the money, Ross. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:23:30 | 0:23:31 | |
-Go. Go on. -No! | 0:23:31 | 0:23:34 | |
-Go on! -No. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
Go on. Now's your chance, she's on her own. Go talk to her. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:39 | |
-I can't! -You can. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
I've got no chance. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:42 | |
You have - go and say hello. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:43 | |
But I'm a ghost! | 0:23:43 | 0:23:44 | |
Uh, here we go. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
"But I'm a ghost!" | 0:23:46 | 0:23:47 | |
Is that always gonna be your excuse. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
But I'm useless at chatting up girls, OK? | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
I always end up making a complete mess of it. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
It's easy. Just be yourself, act naturally. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:23:57 | 0:23:58 | |
Go on, you wimp! | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
All right. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
-Act... -Come on! -..Naturally. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:07 | |
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:24:15 | 0:24:16 | |
Woouurrrggghhh! | 0:24:21 | 0:24:24 | |
It's a ghost! | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
Hello, I wish to break the record for world's oldest man. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:43 | |
Right... | 0:24:43 | 0:24:44 | |
I've got my birth certificate. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
Uh, Sarah-Jane, world's oldest man, please. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
Thank you. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:58 | |
The world's oldest man is 120 years old. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:02 | |
And you are... | 0:25:02 | 0:25:03 | |
..24. This means you'll have to go for another 97 years | 0:25:06 | 0:25:10 | |
if you want to beat him. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:11 | |
-I'll wait here then. -You'll wait? | 0:25:11 | 0:25:14 | |
I'll wait here until I'm old enough. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
How old am I now? | 0:25:26 | 0:25:28 | |
Uh, 24. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:30 | |
How old am I now? | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
24. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:33 | |
-How old am I now? -24! | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
Hold on. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:38 | |
Oh! Oh, oh, me hip. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
Oh, what's the internet? I don't understand. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:52 | |
Eh-urgh! | 0:25:52 | 0:25:53 | |
How old am I now? | 0:25:53 | 0:25:54 | |
You're still 24! | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
What's Wikipedia? I'm frightened of it! | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
I don't understand. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
-Wurgh! How old am I now? -24. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
-How old's the world's oldest man? -120! | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
Oh! So close! How old am I now? | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
Thanks so much for inviting us, Bill. | 0:26:08 | 0:26:10 | |
Oh, I'm glad you could make it. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:12 | |
I've just got a new smoothie maker | 0:26:12 | 0:26:14 | |
and I wanted to try it out on you guys. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
Why don't you take a seat and I'll make you and Susie the smoothie. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
Tony, my smoothie maker. I'll make them. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
Umm... it's just... | 0:26:22 | 0:26:23 | |
-What, Tony? -Yeah, what, Tony? | 0:26:23 | 0:26:26 | |
Nothing...eh... | 0:26:26 | 0:26:29 | |
Right, smoothie a-go-go! | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
MUSIC: "Mas Que Nada" by Sergio Mendes and Brasil '66 | 0:26:31 | 0:26:35 | |
Oh, Tony, could you give me a hand just to hold this steady? | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
Why not? | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
Can you grip the sides. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
Bill, there's no lid on it! Ugh! | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
Oh, sorry! Sorry, Tony. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
It's cos I've got no head, you see. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
So, we've got a lovely banana-berry surprise. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:28 | |
That's for you, Tony. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
Oh, and this is for you. This is a peach and strawberry, Susan. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:33 | |
Careful, it's really full. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
Uh, and for myself, a lovely strawberry zinger. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:40 | |
Ha-ha! Great, huh? | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
-Cheers! Oh, cocktail umbrella. -Oh! | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
Ahh! | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
Cheers. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
I'm sorry, Tony. It's just, I've got no head. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
# La-la-la-la-la | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
# La-la-la-la-la | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 | |
# La-la-la-la-la | 0:27:58 | 0:28:01 | |
# Ohhhhhh | 0:28:01 | 0:28:04 | |
# La-la-la-la-la | 0:28:04 | 0:28:06 | |
# La-la-la-la-la... # | 0:28:06 | 0:28:08 |