Episode 2 Sorry I've Got No Head

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, it's you.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-HE BURPS

-I was watching a TV programme...

-You got any jobs need doing? Like some gardening?

-I just have a yard.

BLOWS WHISTLE LOUDLY Dib-dib, dob-dob...

ALL: Dib-dib, dob-dob, dib-dib, dob-dob...

-Sorry, I'm not sure you heard me.

-Right, chaps, action stations!

-What are you...?

-Cup of tea, madam?

-Now, listen, you...

-Milk?

-No!

-Sugar?

-Just one. Now, listen...

-Eccles cake?

-I shouldn't.

-Go on.

-Well, I suppose just one couldn't hurt.

Mission accomplished. Let's get going!

ALL: Dib-dib, dob-dob, dib-dib, dob-dob...

-Toodle-pip...!

-Wait a minute!

Oh!

'Be warned, commuters. It's absolute gridlock out there.

'If you're thinking about taking the car to work or the school run,

'you'd better leave an additional 45 minutes to an hour.'

Those silly sausages in their blessed cars! When will they learn?

They've got "silly" written through them like a stick of silly rock!

You're not wrong there, Timothy.

There are lots of different ways to get you to school

without sitting in all that silly traffic, like this jet pack!

Wow, Mummy, a jet pack! That's amazing!

Only the best for Mummy's little soldier,

so let's get you jet-packed up!

Mummy, this is splendicocious! Thank you so much.

All my friends in the science lab are gonna be so jealous.

-Right, I'm off.

-No, wait, Timmy.

Let Mummy read the instructions first. It could be dangerous.

Look at me, I'm jet set Timmy!

All you people down there are nothing to me. Whoosh!

OK, let's keep our sensible head on.

This red button, what does it do?

-Oh, it probably measures the fuel levels.

-I'll check the fuel now.

Sorry, that's the orange button. "Under no circumstances, press..."

Pressing the red button now, Mummy!

Mummy, I think I've squashed my pencil case!

I'll get the car keys, shall I?

Yes.

Oh, what a magnificent spread!

-Oh, yes, the food is lovely.

-I do like a buffet.

Oh, mini-pizzas! What a treat!

-What about this weather, eh?

-Lovely, isn't it?

-There's the coleslaw!

-See the game last night?

-What game?

-Chocolate crispy squares! Delicious!

-Any trouble getting here?

-No, I live round the corner.

It's a nightmare, all that traffic.

These prawns will more than make up for it.

-I walk.

-There's the sausage rolls. So simple and yet so oft overlooked.

-Heard that new song by that band?

-I'm not sure I...

-It is good. Ah!

She's only taken the crusts off the sandwiches,

the sure sign of a magnificent spread!

That is rather a lot of food for you to get through.

You mustn't think this is all for me.

-No, this is for my dog.

-Oh, I see.

It's got a tremendous appetite.

I'll have you later for my dinner. Delicious!

Good boy, good boy. Come on.

I heard a rumour about some garlic mushrooms. I'll leave you my card.

-If she brings them out, post them on. Come on, boy.

-Thanks.

I'll just take this Battenburg. It's very good for his doggy...leg.

Bus driver, come here. Stop! Stop! Stop!

-Good day.

-Good day.

-Good morning.

-An omnibus!

-Exciting!

-We've gone environmentally-friendly.

-We used to hate the environment.

-I got rid of my car.

-She crashed it.

-Into a cow...

-Delicious!

-Cow cake!

-Hmm!

-So where do you go?

-Just into town.

-Can you go near the precinct?

I need to pick up the new limited edition 12-inch by Dr Chronic.

-It's the one that goes...

-THEY MIMIC DRUMBEAT

-Like that.

-It's good.

-No, I go left at the lights to the bus station.

-Great.

-Can you go via the pet shop?

-I need a scratching post and dog chocolate.

-Her nephew's visiting.

-No, I just go to the bus station. Are you staying on?

-Very well.

-Drive on.

-Tickets? You've got to buy tickets.

-Buy?

-Pay?

-Shekels?

-Wonga?

-Nothing's free.

-Apart from the free lollipop when you have an injection.

-I can't have any more injections.

-Dr Conway says 1800 is too many.

-Are you senior citizens?

-Pardon?

-Are you over 60?

-We're nowhere near 60!

-You never ask a lady her age!

-Look at my face!

-A lady never tells even if she's asked.

-It's stunning!

My knees are round. My bottom is pert. I'll not have this nonsense!

-I am 16, going on 17...

-It's cheaper if you are.

-We are then, yes.

-Yes, we are. If it's twice as cheap, we're 120.

-It will still be very expensive.

-They'll charge us by the mile.

-Extra for sitting down.

-And for looking out of the window.

There'll be a fee for listening to R&B on our mobicular phones.

-You won't get much change out of £1,000.

-£1,000?

-£1,000.

-I suppose £1,000 is what riding on a bus costs these days.

-Two senior citizens into town, £1.40.

-£1,000?!

-Absurd!

-We won't pay it!

Let's go and buy a brace of Rolls-Royce and some chauffeurs.

-Good day!

-I hope somebody gets on with the wrong change

-and the whole thing becomes really awkward!

-Tweet me!

This is the first time we took him in the longboat.

And this is the first time Brunhilde and I took him out pillaging.

Isn't he sweet?

Astrid and I are about to have our own baby Viking.

Do you have any tips?

Well, there's one thing that little Sven absolutely loves.

Makes him howl with laughter. Go up to him like this...

Ohhh...

-Oh, got your nose!

-Aagh!

ALL: Aaaaaagh!

Oh, Chief!

Give me my nose back, please!

For the love of Valhalla, Chief, be merciful!

-Give Eric his nose back!

-But it's just my thumb.

I can't smell anything! Oh, mercy, great Chief!

I don't have your nose. It is just my thumb.

Keep away from my nose, Chief. Stay away from my precious nose!

Me too! My nose is precious!

All right then, I'll give Eric his nose back.

Oh! Oh, thank you.

Thank you, great Chief. You are wise and merciful!

So are there any other things little Sven likes?

-He's very fond of the thumb trick.

-The thumb trick?

Yes, yes, you know...?

ALL SCREAM

Your thumb! Your thumb!

Dear Gods, your thumb!

Look, it's just a trick. Look, look!

Aaagh! Oh, my thumb!

What have I done?

The tests have come back and it looks like you've got HHD.

-Or Handshake Hypersensitivity Disorder.

-Oh, no.

Don't panic. There's no reason you can't lead a perfectly normal life.

Oh, well, that's a relief. Thank you very much, Doctor.

Aaaaagh!

Hmm.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Hey, you can't just come in here!

We need to talk. Your mother and I are worried.

-About what?

-Recently, you've been getting into a lot of deer stuff.

-So?

-Don't you think it's a bit weird?

-Like that bark chewing.

-It's good for my teeth.

-We think it's nice you've got a hobby.

-Yes, hobbies are good.

Like, say, tae kwon do.

Give it up, Dad! I'm not going back to tae kwon do!

You might make new friends.

Loads of people my age are into ruminants.

-At least take the antlers off once in a while.

-No way!

-It'd save you having to tidy your bedroom.

-I'm keeping them on.

How about just at mealtimes?

Last time you reached for the peas, it almost had my eye out!

-This is who I am!

-You've got underpants on your antlers.

-What's wrong now?

-I'm expressing my anger.

-I'm going out.

-Where to?

The clearing!

We'd like to present you with this token of thanks

from the Blueberry Growers' Association of Great Britain

because of all your hard work

in promoting the use of blueberries in cooking.

I don't know what to say. I really don't know!

What can I say...but yes?

I mean, thank you. Thank you.

As you all know, I am a massive fan of the...

the cooking of the... the preparing of...

and the general eating

of one of the healthiest fruits of them all - the blueberry.

LOUD FART

Oh!

Bit whiffy, that one!

Where is everybody?

Where did they all go? Rude!

LOUD FART

I've just gone all big on my smalls.

That'll require a trip to the hosiery department.

FARTS AGAIN

-Nice antlers.

-Oh!

-Amelia.

Drew.

-Sorry, I didn't see you coming.

-I do tend to move swiftly and quietly.

So...

Here for the big meet?

-The what now?

-The get-together.

Oh, uh... No, I...

I just like to come to the woods, try on antlers and sort of do...

-Deer stuff. Yeah, that's why we're all here.

-We?

There's more of us?

Oh, yeah, of course, Drew. Yeah, look.

Welcome to Deer Club.

It's beautiful.

So what do we do now?

Well, we just stand here quietly,

being acutely aware of our own surroundings.

-Can I have a try?

-Yeah, jump on in.

Oh, um...OK.

This is amazing!

No talking! ALL: Ssh!

Sorry.

I'm just having such a great time.

-Just keep it down, OK?

-Sorry.

Sorry, everyone!

-DOG BARKS

-You guys hear anything...?

Wow, you guys...

You're amazing!

Double thumbs.

Hoof, hoof...

# Sweep, sweep up the dung... #

Oh, nice day at the camel's bum, dear?

Oh, I dunno. You work your mandibles off trying to make a living!

Mum! You'll never guess what Dad tried to make me do!

Oh, Maxwell! Did you eat your packed lunch?

-No, I got put off it.

-Did I leave the crusts on your sandwiches?

No, it's not that. It's just that Dad tried to make me touch some poo.

Dung, lad. You're a dung beetle. What did you think we'd be doing?

You said it'd be an adventure across the rolling plains of the Serengeti.

-You said we'd see lions and zebras.

-You did, didn't you?

Not the fun end! It was miles away and we walked.

When we got there, you'll never guess what Dad did.

-He went up to this bit of poo and...

-Rolled it into a ball. Brilliant!

So embarrassing! All the flamingos must have thought we were mad!

Oh, but, sweetheart, we're dung beetles. The clue's in the name.

Why can't we be cheese and onion beetles or salami beetles?

-Or just beetles without dung!

-Oh, I get it!

Dung not good enough for the likes of you, is it?

Let me tell you something, son. This house, the food you eat,

your mother's best shoes - all dung!

-You mean I'm drinking...?

-No, that's hot chocolate.

-Oh.

Not really - it's dung. ..You go to your room!

Oh, Tony! He was so adorable when he was a larva, look.

Kids!

All right?

Harry Bold here saying Bold is as Bold does!

It doesn't make sense, but it sounds nice. Today's adventure is...

I know it's dangerous, it's crazy, I'm a mad man, but it's all right.

I went to a shop and this bloke sold us all the kit I need.

Plus my mate Terry Brave here will help us out. All right, Terry?

Hello.

OK, kit time.

First up, you'll need a board. A skateboarding board boarding board.

Now mine is top of the range!

The bit you stand on - the board - is made from the skateboardium tree.

They take the whole tree, about 100 metres tall, and chop it down.

And then they whittle away most of the tree to get just this!

That's why it's so expensive, like.

Then they spend a fortune making it look less flash

in case someone nicks it.

Now then - wheels! These are dead important.

These are made of crystals grown in a zero-gravity environment in space!

They're really, really expensive. The bloke said it's a coincidence

they look like old roller skate wheels. OK, you've got your board.

Time for the rest of your kit, namely, all-in-one body pad!

You could fire us oot of a cannon and I wouldn't feel it! Ow!

Dark glasses so I look super cool.

Then special glasses to see through the dark glasses.

And I've got a special skateboarding badge so I get respect.

What else have you got, Terry?

I've just got my good trainers on and some pizza.

Is it special skateboarding hyper-protein lean and mean pizza?

I think it's just anchovies.

Tha know, Terry.

I don't think Terry's taking this skateboarding all that seriously.

Oh, well. Let's go skateboarding!

No. I'm down here.

Down a bit.

No, it's not for me.

I quite liked it.

Let us now sing hymn number 241,

Guide Me, O, Thou Great Redeemer.

ORGAN PLAYS

# Guide me O, thou great redeemer

-VERY OFF TUNE #

-Pilgrim through this barren land

-#

-I am weak, but thou...

-#

BLOWS WHISTLE Oi! You!

No singing out of tune with gusto!

# Guide me, O, thou great redeemer... #

-Excuse me. Hello!

-All right?

-I'd like to return this game, please.

-Witch Attack II? What's the matter?

-I think it's broken. Could I have my money back?

-Have you got a receipt?

-No, I don't.

-I can't do anything without one.

It's still got your price sticker on it. I only bought it this morning!

-You must remember me.

-No, sorry. I don't remember you.

Well, that's not very fair.

Look, there's nothing I can do without a receipt.

-What happened to it?

-I put my chewing gum in it.

-What?!

-I put my chewing gum in it.

Look, you can almost still make it out.

-Look.

-I'm going to have to give you that game back, I'm afraid.

Right.

Right.

Fine.

Witch! She's a witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Heh heh heh! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch!

Yes, I'll just take this one instead.

Is there a bin? A bin?

No. OK.

BELL RINGS

Now, what would you like?

We've got spaghetti hollandaise, tuna and bacon quiche,

fat salad, chops and chips, mysterious soup or liver and pea?

Oh, and choose carefully.

Good luck! Good luck!

I'll have the quiche, please.

You chose wisely.

-I think I'd like the soup, please.

-I'm sorry?

Soup.

Excellent choice.

Oh, now, sir. What would you like?

I must ask you to think carefully.

Em...

Ah, chops and chips!

Unlucky!

Ah! Aaaiiieee!

Hungry?

This is the remote Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.

And this is Valerie Carpenter, head and only teacher at the school,

which has only one pupil.

It's time for the school science fair, a chance for Ross to shine.

Valerie, a lot of people have come in today for Ross's science project.

Oh, yes. Ross's science projects are something of an event here.

You can still see the crater from the North Barrasay space project!

And then there was the whole alternative fuels thing.

And who could forget the seal choir?

-So what's Ross got in store this time?

-I don't precisely know.

It has an ecological theme.

I set him the task of bringing home the impact of global warming.

So we'll see. Er, we'll see...

Ladies and gentlemen, this is our home.

An island, a small isolated community.

See how he's using visual aids? The VI. Er, the VA.

To illustrate the point.

That is one of the key skills that we teach them.

But even here on North Barrasay,

we must be aware of the fact

that we are to be affected by the menace of global warming.

-Boo! Grr!

-Excellent use of the VI...the VA there again.

So what will become of us if global warming continues

upon current trends?

-Hit it, Archie!

-Oh, aye.

Scientists predict rising sea levels and a risk of coastal erosion!

Not to mention more extreme weather patterns!

There's also the potential impact on native species!

So, as we can see, global warming is an issue that affects us all.

-Thank you.

-Well, I thought that was very interesting.

I might get some of those special light bulbs.

Aaah! Now what?

How am I going to fix these shelves?

-Maybe my bees can help.

-I beg your pardon?

I said maybe my bees can help.

-Your bees? I don't understand.

-These are no ordinary bees.

Instead of you screwing shelf brackets into the wall,

my bees will carry your shelves on their backs while hovering in place.

-No more shelf worries for you.

-Your bees can do that?

-They're happy to.

-These are generous and selfless bees.

-Right. Brilliant. Off you go.

I shall just give them some brief instructions.

Bzzz-bzzz-bzzz. Bzzz-bzzz-shelves-bzzz.

Bzzz-help. Bzzz-bzzz. Bzzz-falling down.

Bzzz.

Oh! Bzzz-ah!

Help him, my bees!

Ahh!

No! No! Agh! Go away!

Why are you doing this?! Stop it!

Argh! Stop it! No!

Get away! Argh!

The instructions are on the reverse side of your exam papers.

-Yes, Julie?

-Can we use a calculator?

No, this is a History exam.

It'll be 90 minutes. We'll need absolute silence throughout.

Your invigilators will be Sir Alan Sugar, Sir Alex Ferguson

and Sir Ian McKellen. ALL: Hello!

I shall leave you in their capable hands.

-You may turn over your exam papers.

-Your time starts now.

But remember - absolute silence.

Right, whoever's making that awful metallic squeaking sound, stop it.

This IS an exam room.

-Right, that's it! That's enough!

-If you can't keep quiet, get out!

-Out! Out! All of you!

-You've failed! You've failed!

You've failed! You've failed! And you've failed!

-Unbelievable!

-SQUEAK!

..And it'll look like Noel Edmonds! DOORBELL

Oh! That'll be Louise. She said she might pop over.

-Oh, hi, Louise. This is my friend Mike.

-Hello, Mike.

-Nice to meet you.

-Coffee?

-Oh, lovely.

Yeah?

By the way, you've got a bit of something right there. Food.

Oh, how embarrassing!

Oh, no... Oh, goodness.

-(Mike! Look what you've done!)

-I'm sorry.

-It's happening again, isn't it?

-I don't know what you mean.

-I've got food on my face.

-No, Louise. Nothing's happening.

Oh, no... What have I eaten? How long has it been there for?

What is it...?

How embarrassing. Ohh, I've got to get out of here.

(This is the worst bit.)

May as well sit down. We might be here a bit of a while.

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2009

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