Episode 3 Sorry I've Got No Head

# La-la, la-la-la-la La-la, la-la-la-la

# La-la, la-la-la La-la-la

# La-la, la-la-la-la La-la, la-la-la-la

# La-la, la-la-la La-la. #

So it is agreed.

After nine long millennia,

the seals of the resting place of the mighty Kraam will be broken,

the ancient maps of hinterspace removed,

and the quest for eternal peace can begin.

-Hurrah.

-Hurrah!

Now proceed from here upon your sacred journey.

Oh, and while we're gone, Lord High Chief Galactic President,

please don't eat the cake.

Cake? What cake?

The sacred cake of Kraam.

Oh, that cake. No, I wouldn't touch that. Don't like cake really anyway.

It's fine.

HE SIGHS

And so the quest begins.

-Mustn't eat the cake.

-HE GROANS

Don't eat the cake.

I don't even like cake. Don't know why I'm bothered.

If that was the beef of Kraam, I'd be right in there,

but, you know, cake - it's not...

Oh, I mustn't eat it.

Nya-ah-ah!

We have retrieved the maps.

I would like...

-What's happened to the cake?

-Nothing. Well, the cake...

The sacred cake of Kraam?

Oh! Oh, that.

Oh. Ah.

Would you believe it if I said

that the mighty Kraam himself had appeared and consumed it?

Oh. Oh, yes.

Yes, I suppose he must have been starving,

after all those years in transdimensional exile.

What?

What?! Oh, he said I could have some.

CLATTERING ON TELEVISION

-What are you playing?

-Bowling.

-Ooh, can I play?

-I've only got one controller, mate.

That's all right. Got my own ball and glove.

PINS CLATTER

-'Strike!'

-I'm the king!

-Aggh! Ow!

-Oh, you wanna watch out for that.

Not wearing the correct shoes.

Hello? I'm looking for a Louise.

I've got your mum on the phone and she says you've left your mobile

and your diarrhoea medicine at home.

Louise? Are you here?

Your mum's pretty insistent that you'll need your...

Don't be here. Oh, they all know.

Last night was terrible...

-Oh, Mother, no!

-..up and down like a lift engineer.

No, Mother, no!

-RUMBLING

-Oh, I can feel it happening...

Your boyfriend's popped round

and she's shown him baby photographs.

Baby photos? Why?

-Oh...

-RUMBLING CONTINUES

SHE MOUTHS

How embarrassing.

Help.

Most attractive. Isn't it lovely?

-Sort of long and thin, like a pencil.

-Yes.

Afternoon, ladies. Can I interest you in a free sample?

-Oh, yes.

-Yes, yes, yes.

-What of?

-We don't want anything free if we don't want it.

-Like a free punch in the kidneys, for instance.

-Pointless.

-Or free wasps.

-Wasps! Really!

-It's not wasps, is it?

-Relax, ladies.

It's our new fragrance - Pretension by Jean Paul Gaultier.

-Jean Paul Goaty-Beard?

-Jeremy Clarkson's Go-Kart?

Joe and Nick from the Jonas Brothers? We prefer Kevin!

I'd like to put him in my handbag.

Ugh! Oh.

SHE SNIFFS

-What a lovely smell!

-Not bad at all.

Yes, it's lavender and sandalwood with a hint of saffron.

Well, don't stop. Spray it again!

Come on! We want to reek of the stuff.

Um, no. This is just a sample. If you like it, you can buy some.

-Oh! So that's your game, is it?

-You sly dog.

-Nothing's free these days.

-Apart from those napkins at the coffee shop.

-And you can't do much with those.

-We tried making dresses.

They dissolved in the rain.

-People ran away because we were nude.

-Again!

You'll pay a pretty penny for this perfume.

-And for that fancy bottle.

-And fancy box.

-By this fancy man.

-On a fancy tray.

-In his fancy shop.

-Yes, with a fancy tie.

-In the middle of Fancy Street.

-Here in Fancy Town!

-How dare you!

I'd have thought we'd pay more

for the smell of Ian Lavender's sandals...

You'd not get much change out of a £1,000 when it's all added up.

-£1,000!

-I should say so.

It's what these sort of things cost.

This is on offer - £14.95...

-£1,000!

-£1,000!

-Ridiculous! £1,000!

-Absurd!

It's not worth it to smell like the cast of Dad's Army.

Come along, Prudith.

Let's fly to Morocco

-and buy one of those gold scented candles you like.

-Good day.

I hope you spray some in your eyes

-and they disappear entirely and heal over.

-You smell amazing!

-BELL DINGS

-Thank you.

Brendan, this American's been working with a new coach.

Yes, Trevor, she bit her old coach

and he became a zombie, ending his coaching career.

We're seeing this a lot recently.

Well, zombies will try to bite coaches, and often they succeed.

And here she goes.

POP! CROWD GASPS

Oh, a surprisingly short routine there.

Yes, I suspect that will require a trip to the physio.

Hello! Are you open?

The door was unlocked, so I put my money in the ticket machine and...

No-one here. I'll just...

-Good afternoony-poops!

-I'm so sorry to have missed you.

Mr Faraway is very sorry to have missed you.

-He's unexpectedly been called away.

-I'm in Berlin for the entire month.

Mr Elevenses will explain, I'm sure.

He's away on businessness and cannot be here.

I'm so sorry to have missed your visit to...

-BOTH:

-The Museum of Imagination... tion...tion...tion...tion.

-Is that Mr Faraway there?

-HE GASPS

Wow! You have a very vivid imagination.

You'll fit in here.

Right. So, uh, the museum?

-BOTH:

-Of Imagination.

Yeah. Uh, what have you got?

What haven't we got? That would be a better question to ask.

But I'll answer yours first.

Under this cloth is the last remaining sample

of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

Excavated on the banks of the River Tigris.

Oh, that Mr Faraway were here! He has so much more information than I.

Wow, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon!

That's one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.

-I'd love to see that.

-Then you shall see it.

In your imagination!

Ooh! Ohh!

All right, I get it. Very funny. Having a joke with the tourist.

-Joke?

-Joke?

-Joke?

-Joke?

-Joke?

-Joke?!

We never joke. We are deadly serious about our exhibits.

Why, under here is the horn of a unicorn.

But I thought unicorns didn't exist.

That's what they want you to think. But if you had seen this horn...

But if we say you are to see a unicorn horn, then that you shall!

-BOTH:

-In your imagination.

OK, fine. If that's how you want to be, then suit yourself.

I'll have a refund, please.

Of course. Of course you shall have a refund.

-BOTH:

-In your imagination!

Unbelievable!

ECHO OF DOOR OPENING

Did he not want to see the doorway to the lost city of Atlantis, then?

Mr Faraway, are you back from Berlin?

No, I'm still there, I'm afraid.

Who said that?

-So, how was the football?

-We won!

Well done, dear.

I scored a hat trick and I won man of the match.

Mr Norton said I was the best player in the year.

Well done, son. We're very proud.

I think this calls for a little treat.

We're going to go out for a pizza to celebrate.

Great!

No, not you.

Why...why not?

It seems to me you're really rather good at football.

I suppose so.

-Lots of practise.

-Out on the lawn.

-Yeah.

-And who mows that lawn?

-I do.

-With what?

-Lawnmower.

-Precisely. The lawnmower your father bought.

-And which I provide the petrol for.

-Free of charge.

So it seems only fair that we get to go out for a pizza.

Oh.

Don't worry, dear. We've thought of you and you won't go hungry.

We've left you some liver and broccoli to microwave.

Oh, and we've hired a special babysitter for you.

Mr Norton!

Right! We'll do some press-ups, then some ball control,

build up an appetite for that liver and broccoli.

But first, you can start by cleaning these boots.

Hurry up, dear. I want time for a knickerbocker glory

after my stuffed-crust meat feast.

Have a lovely evening.

You missed a bit! Come on!

Give it some welly!

Do you want to be a footballer? Scrub the boot!

-Hello.

-Hello.

I wish to attempt to break the world record for remaining silent

and I want you to time me.

Yes, hello, Siobhan. World record for keeping silent, please.

PHONE RINGS

Thank you.

The world record for keeping silent is 11.5...

Hours? 11.5 hours? Easy!

-No, 11.5...

-Days? Oh, that's tricky.

No, 11.5 years. The world record for remaining silent is 11.5 years.

That is a long time. I mean, how long is that?

That's what? From the time when I was born till I was, what...

11.5.

Yeah, about that. Just near that.

-You really think you can do it?

-Yes.

-You won't blow it in the first instance?

-Of course not!

Right.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello? Oh, no! No! What... Ohh! What have I done?

-Calm down. I was just resetting the stopwatch.

-Oh, phew!

Right. Now, here we go again - for real.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, no! No! No, no! Not again!

Oh, come on, Mark! Again! Twice!

Ohh! Ohh! Oh.

-How did I do?

-Three seconds.

-What's the world record again?

-11.5 years.

Ooh, so close!

To be frank, it's the rising cost of ornamental horns and dragon boats

that's forced us to find new ways to earn our living.

-Aye, Chief.

-Sorry I'm late, everyone.

I was hunting in the forest when I was attacked by an enormous bear.

We shall feast on bear burgers tonight, my friends.

-VIKINGS CHEER

-Yum!

As I was saying before I was interrupted by Brave Erik here,

we need to find new ways to earn our livings.

So I have decided that we are to become toy testers.

-Oh?

-Oh?

There will always be children and children will always need toys.

Aye, toy swords and toy axes...

Indeed. And this.

A Sven-in-the-box.

-A Sven-in-the-box?

-Yeah, yeah.

You see, what happens is you turn the little handle on the side here

and then suddenly a little Viking on a spring pops out.

-ALL:

-Ah.

So we are going to test these and make sure they work properly.

Right, I'm going to start turning the handle here

and I want you to prepare yourselves

because a Viking on a spring is going to pop out, OK?

All right, Chief.

I'm just saying I don't want there to be any screaming.

We're brave and fearless Vikings.

We are not going to be scared of some Sven-in-a-box.

Very well. Right, I'm going to turn the handle now.

Prepare yourselves.

TINKLING MUSIC PLAYS

THEY SCREAM

-Sorry, sorry.

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Sorry, sorry.

-Sorry.

That was exactly what I didn't want to happen.

-RADIO:

-A lorry delivering sheds has shed its load,

causing a shedload of trouble on the roads this morning.

If you're about to head in for the school run,

do allow an extra 40-45 minutes because of the shedded sheds.

Well, if people will insist on taking the silly old car out,

that's their own lookout.

Isn't that right, Timmy?

Bingo, Mummy. We've got all the clever ideas.

That we have, my little pomegranate.

So, do you have an idea to get me in to school quicker then, Mummy?

Absolutely, with pickles on top.

We're using...modern technology.

-Modern technology, Mummy?

-Yes.

We're simply going to email you to school.

-And how does that work?

-Simple as fiddlesticks, pumpkin.

We simply pop you into the chamber here,

where you'll be scanned and turned into a million pixels.

And then Mummy will email you, using this computer

and you'll pass down this thick cable to the modem and away you go.

Oh, which reminds me -

I must attach aforementioned cable before I send you off.

Right.

I must say, I can't think of anything that could go wrong.

That's the spirit. Into the box with you.

Oh, but not your lunch box. I'll fax that over later.

Ah.

There we go, Tiddles. In we go.

Mmm.

Ooh, now, let's just switch you on.

ZAP!

Mummy's going to email you now, using the computer.

Oh, bumsticks! The cable!

Mummy, this doesn't look like the IT block.

Oh. Oh, dear. Sorry, darling.

Has it worked, Mummy?

Um, not exactly.

I'll get the car keys.

Ow! Ow!

Well, your results are in

and I'm afraid you've tested positive for FSD,

or footballer's speech disorder.

Obviously I'm disappointed with the result at the end of the day.

Obviously I feel like I've let the lads down

and, uh, I've let meself down.

Don't worry, don't worry. It's a treatable condition.

Still all to play for? Up for grabs? Resting on a knife-edge?

In a way, I suppose so.

-The gaffer'll be made up.

-Who's the gaffer?

I have no idea. Please help me!

-ANNOUNCER:

-Emily and Monty Forest have been an acting, singing

and dancing duo for seven years.

In that time, they've auditioned for more than 17,000 roles together,

without success.

Emily, Monty, how are you?

Oh, we are brilliant. Thanks for asking.

Yep, really looking forward to today's audition.

I've had a funny feeling in my tummy all day.

Could be the acorns you had for breakfast, Robin.

Could be. Could be, Marian, but let's stay positive.

Now, I'm guessing it's a Robin Hood musical?

BOTH: No.

-Yes!

-It is. Little trick. We're the Merry Men.

It's a brand-new musical and it's gonna be fab-u-losio!

Apparently there are great new numbers.

Yep, including Robin's heartbreaking ode to being a bachelor,

I'm Not The Marian Kind.

And the country rock ballad A Little John Goes A Long Way.

And, of course, the big makeover number...

Friar Nip-and-Tuck.

-Wow!

-It's a great show.

You normally like to prepare a little surprise for the director.

Have you got anything lined up for today?

We certainly have.

We sing the breakaway pop hit Robbin' the Rich, Rockin' the Poor

-and at the end, Maid Marian...

-Guilty!

..fires three arrows directly at me.

But here's the trick.

-We show them the real arrows.

-I'm all aquiver.

-But when she fires them...

-Brrr!

..we use these fake ones.

And she's gonna shoot me right here.

Woo-hoo, it'll be a blast!

-Straight in the Friar Tuckus.

-THEY LAUGH

-MAN:

-Emily and Monty Forest?

-Here we are.

Should be Emily and Monty Sherwood Forest.

Wish us luck. HE BLOWS HORN

Yeah.

Yeah. We...we didn't get it.

No, not this time. But the arrows trick worked very well.

Oh-ho! That was a treat. That was brilliant.

Quick question, Emily -

if you've got the fake arrows, where did the real ones end up?

HE WHIMPERS

-Right in the...

-HE BLOWS HORN

I don't feel well.

He can be such a big baby sometimes.

Oh, great! My souffle's collapsed.

What am I going to serve at my souffle dinner party tonight?

It's a complete disaster!

Maybe my bees can help.

-Beg your pardon?

-I said, "Maybe my bees can help."

Mate, I need a new souffle, not a lesson in honey-making.

Don't speak too soon. My bees are highly trained.

They will fly out of this hive into your souffle,

where the beating of their tiny wings will create puffs of air,

causing your souffle to rise,

leaving you to enjoy your souffle dinner party.

-Are you sure?

-As sure as bees are bees.

Go on, then.

I shall first give them a few basic instructions.

Bzzz, bzzzzz, souffle.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzzzz, Jamie Oliver, bzz, bzz, help it rise.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Probably opened the oven to have a look at it, ruined it. Bzzzz.

Help him out. Nice chap. Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

Bees to the rescue!

BEES BUZZ LOUDLY No, no, no!

Ow! Go to the souffle! No!

No, don't make my face rise. Ow! Get off!

I must say, this isn't what I expected.

No! Stop it! HE SCREAMS

BELL RINGS

Welcome to the canteen. What can I get you?

-What's the choice today?

-I've done sort of a mystery menu.

In these three boxes are meals.

You pick a box. Whatever's in the box, that's what you get.

I should warn you - choose carefully.

One. No, two. No, three. No, one. No, um...

Two. Yep, definitely two.

I've got a good feeling about this one.

JAUNTY MUSIC

Oh, lasagne.

Enjoy.

-Um, can I have the, um...

-PHONE RINGS

Ooh.

Hello?

Yeah. No, Wednesday night. Yeah.

Yeah, bye.

Wrong number.

Right. Uh, three. No, one. Definitely one.

It's been absolutely lovely getting to know you. Good luck.

-JAUNTY MUSIC

-Oh, it's meatballs.

So, box number three.

You feeling lucky?

Honestly, um, not especially.

Well, let's find out, shall we?

JAUNTY MUSIC

You've won £1 million!

-That's unbelievable.

-Congratulations.

BUTTON BEEPS

Course, £1 million is terribly heavy.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Next!

This is the remote Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.

And this is Valerie Carpenter,

head and only teacher at the school,

which has only one pupil.

It's surprisingly quiet here today, Valerie.

Can you tell us what's going on?

Yes, well, Ross is on the return leg of his student exchange programme.

Last year it was such a wonderful success.

HE SHRIEKS

Miss! Miss!

So, he's, um, off in the Alps with young Lukas,

learning all about Austrian culture,

while I stay here and practise my short game.

I'm no Tiger Woods. I'm no Tiger Woods, that's for sure.

We caught up with Ross and Lukas at Lukas's school in Austria.

# Eins, zwei, drei... #

MUSIC STOPS

HE MOUTHS

Ross, you will join in.

Do I have to, Frau Hermann?

Yes. You will have fun.

MUSIC PLAYS

Now you can perform the dancing.

So it's normal for boys from this region to dance together like this?

No.

MUSIC STOPS

Ross, how are you enjoying your visit here?

Um, I've got two more days.

Ja, the time is very short. We have so much to do.

Picking mushrooms and hunting Smurfs

and hide-and-seek!

We played that the other day. He's very good at the game.

It took me several hours to find him.

Yes, you never give up, do you?

He was in the woods, seven miles away!

Ross...

..he's very clever.

As you can see,

Lukas insisted on decorating in honour of Ross's visit.

That's, um, remarkable work there.

Yeah, I went... Ross's waistcoat is made out of real goat hair

so it's really soft - you can just...

It's really soft. And he's wearing a crown.

Because you know why?

Yeah, cos... Yeah, you know why.

Because apparently I'm the king of friends.

# Yes, Ross is king of the friends!

# With him, the fun never ends

# The sun will fall The sun will shine

# But he will be having a friendly time... #

Ross, sing our song.

# Cos Ross is the king of the friends

# With him, the fun never ends

# The sun will fall The sun will shine

# And we'll be having a friendly time. #

Ross is very fortunate in his time to be here.

It is our Arts Week.

Right. And what happens during Arts Week?

HE PLAYS LONG DEEP NOTE

LUKAS PLAYS LONG HIGH-PITCHED NOTE

Blowing the horn helps me control my asthma.

And with the circular breathing,

I can make a note last, like, eight minutes.

THEY PLAY LONG NOTES

Wow. That's...that's amazing.

It's lucky we came to film today.

We wouldn't have wanted to miss that.

Oh, no! No, no, they do this EVERY day.

Well, it looks like you're having some fascinating experiences here.

They're making me sleep in the goat cabin.

-And the goat cabin is...?

-Exactly what it sounds like.

Oh. Do you have a message for Miss Carpenter?

Uh, yes, I do have a message for her.

Get me out of here, please.

Just call my parents or call the embassy or whatever you have to do.

-OK.

-Excuse me.

Film crew, we are now concentrating on the education,

so you will have to leave.

Right. Um, see you back on the island, Ross.

No! Take me with you!

No, Ross, you cannot go. It is time for the hat game.

I don't want to play the hat game, please.

I will be the milliner.

You can be the cow.

No, don't make me be the cow.

Bye, Ross.

-Auf wiedersehen!

-Don't go! Moo!

What about my passport? Moo. You said you'd give it back to me.

Ooh. Tammy, love, where are we going?

It's OK. You'll see.

Tammy had been working for weeks to get to this moment.

It hadn't been easy getting everyone together

for her mother's surprise birthday party.

Surprise.

Tammy, honestly.

Tammy had blown it...again.

This is definitely the right house. Right, on you go.

Can't you do it?

Josh, you let the football go over the fence. You get it back.

It's not my fault the ball went right through me. I'm a ghost.

When will you stop hiding behind the fact you're a ghost?

I find it really difficult to talk to strangers.

I always end up making a complete mess of it.

Listen, it was brand new and it cost me 30 quid.

But this is Weird Steve's house. He's terrifying.

You know the stories about him.

I don't care, Josh. I want my ball back.

You've got to go and get it.

Just be polite, ask nicely - it'll be over in a second.

-Please, Darren.

-All right. OK.

I've knocked on the door.

What you want?

Uh...um...

Uh...

Woooooooo!

HE SCREAMS

It's a ghost!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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