Episode 4 Sorry I've Got No Head

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Hello, can I help you?

-We're here to help! Hello!

-All right?

-Morning!

-HE BURPS

-Who is it, Linda? >

-Some boys at the door.

-What do they want?

-What do you want?

-Any jobs need doing round the house?

-Plastering?

-Cracks need covering?

-No thank you, Brian deals with that.

-HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Dib, dib! Dob, dob!

Dib, dib! Dob, dob!

-I'm not sure you heard me.

-All right, lads, let's get to work.

-I thought I told you...

-Cup of tea?

-No, I've just had one.

-Now, listen...

-Slice of lemon? Spot of milk?

-Well, just milk, thanks.

-Sugar?

-Er...

-Fruitcake?

-I'm sorry?! How rude! Oh, I see.

Right, job done. Let's get going.

Dib, dib! Dob, dob! Dib, dib! Dob, dob!

-Cheers for now!

-What exactly... did you do?

Hello?

Ohhh!

Hiya. Harry Bolds here.

Bolding it up wherever bolding it up needs to be done!

And today, I'm taking the boldness envelope

and stretching it to dangerous new levels, as I go...

..gardening!

I know you're probably thinking, "Don't do it, Harry!

"That's not going to end well!" But it's OK, cos I've been to a shop

and a bloke sold me everything I could possibly need.

Plus, I've got my friend here to help. Terry Brave!

All right, everyone?

Terry - brilliant. OK. Kit time.

What are you going to need for gardening? Number one - a garden!

This is a very special one.

It's made of space metal, invented by science,

and it's called gardinium.

I know it looks like normal mud, but it's not. It's special metal.

What else? Gardening gloves!

Gardening boots! Gardening trousers! Gardening shirt!

And under here - gardening pants! I'm not showing you those.

OK, what else have I got? Trimmer! Blower! Snippers!

Scyther! Choppers! Grabber! Cutter! Whacker! And bucket.

-I've got this old spade I borrowed off my granddad.

-Nice!

And of course, a little teensy seed for planting.

What have you got, Terry?

I've got Cheesy Puffs. And I'm going to plant this bulb.

I'm not sure that's the sort of bulb you can plant.

Isn't it? Oh, well, I'll give it a go.

HE SIGHS I'm dead worried about Terry.

He's right out of his depth. Oh, well, let's go gardening!

No...it's not for me.

I quite enjoyed it.

ELECTRICITY HUMMING

Brave Viking warriors. As you know, I have spent the last few days in conference

with Magnus, chief of the tribe in the next valley.

THEY MUTTER IN DISAPPROVAL

No, no, no, I know that we were sworn enemies,

but this is a new age of Viking co-operation.

Chief Magnus and I have resolved our differences

and agreed to join forces, so that we may see our tribes through the leaner times.

So we shall fight and hunt together as one. Hmm?

Do I get an "Oh, yeah"?

ALL: Yeah...

That was pathetic, I could hardly hear you!

But the tribe in the other valley are nasty Vikings!

They're forever playing practical jokes on us.

I think we all remember the time they persuaded us

that our horns were supposed to go on the INSIDE of our helmets.

-THEY GROAN

-That is all in the past.

We are brothers now, huh?

Now, as a mark of respect,

Chief Magnus has sent us a can of peanuts each.

A can of peanuts each? How generous!

I didn't even know that peanuts came in tins.

What a delicacy! Mmm.

I think, as a mark of trust, we should all open our cans of peanuts

-simultaneously, huh? After three. One, two...

-Wait, wait!

After three, or ON three?

Oh, er, AFTER three. Yes?

Mmm, yes.

-One, two...

-Er, so it's one, two, open?

-Or one, two, three, open?

-I like the last one best.

One, two, three, open!

LOUD SQUEAKING NOISES

THEY ALL SCREAM WITH FRIGHT

What's all the fuss about?

Your results are back, and it looks like you've got Can't Take Directions Syndrome.

-Oh, no!

-Don't worry, there is a treatment.

Just take this to the pharmacy, down the corridor and second on the left.

Thanks very much.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Hi, I'm looking for the pharmacy.

I think a visit to the little girls' room!

Well, we both have had a lot of pop.

Oh, look, it's a teepee!

Oh, it's occupied. Hello!

Oh, it's like the TARDIS, but it's no bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.

-We like your wigwam.

-Yes! Are you a squaw?

No, I am the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter.

-Gosh, it must be hectic round yours.

-I will show you my psychic powers.

-Are you a cyclist?

-Oh, like that lovely Chris Hoy!

-Lovely legs.

-You don't have legs like that, though.

-Who has?

No-one these days, bar Alan Titchmarsh, and...oh!

BOTH: Kanye West!

No, a PSYCHIC. My crystal ball will tell all.

-What, like a radio?

-Does it do the Light Programme?

-Classic FM?

-Happy hardcore?

-No, I will gaze into my crystal ball and see into the future.

Oh! Well, that could be useful.

-Could you skoosh forward a week and see how my sponge cake comes out?

-She's baking for the WI contest!

-It's being judged by Dr Conway!

-Oh, the good doctor. He is rather dashing.

-Oh, stop it, dear!

-Well, he is something of a slice.

-Such powerful hands!

-Ooh!

-I should like to know how my sponge rises.

-Yes, do it! Make it work.

First you must cross my palm with silver.

-Oh, it's like that, is it?

-I see!

-Nothing's free these days!

No, apart from those ring binders they give away with partwork magazines.

-And you have to buy Part One to get that!

-So they're not free at all!

-No!

And this crystal ball nonsense, I bet that'll cost you a pretty penny.

And the further into the future you go, the more you have to pay!

-Double for Sundays, no doubt.

-Ooh, the nerve!

-You wouldn't get much change out of £1,000

-just to pop into the future and see if I can bake a cake properly.

-£1,000?

-I'd say so.

-I suppose that's what these things cost these days.

-This is just £2...

-£1,000?!

-It's absurd!

-Ridiculous!

-I won't pay £1,000!

Just to see if my sponge gets me the glad eye from Dr Conway!

Come on, dear. Let's leave here immediately, fly to Paris, buy 1,000 cakes

and blockade Dr Conway in his house.

-Good day.

-I hope you look into the future and find something unpleasant happens to you.

Like your tongue is replaced with a toe!

-Well, that was nice.

-Did you have a wee?

-Yes.

-Me too!

Don't think she saw THAT coming!

CHEERING AND SCREAMING

OK, Steph, good luck.

Go out there and do your best. You're on!

< Steph from London!

AUDIENCE CHEERING Next!

What can I do for you?

Well, I'm here to audition for Talent UK, obviously.

OK... What will you be singing for us today?

Er, "Halo" by Beyonce.

Right. Well, as you know,

we don't audition everyone in front of the judges,

-so if you could just wait a little bit...

-Hey, whoa!

-Don't you want to hear me sing?

-I don't think it's a good idea.

-Oh, right, right.

-Not "pop star material", am I?

-It's not that. Erm...

I've got just as much right to go out there and perform in front of the judges as anyone else.

It's just... you're a snowman.

Yeah, I prefer the term "person of frozen aquatic origin."

-The lights are really hot!

-You're making a big mistake, mate.

I don't think you want me to go to the newspapers

and say how your show discriminates against people who are a bit different, do you?

OK, OK, we'll get you on the show.

HE EXHALES OK, you're on in 30 seconds.

# You're everything I need and more

# It's written all over your face

# Baby, I can feel your halo

# I pray it won't fade away

# I can feel your halo, halo, halo

# Halo, halo, halo, halo

# I can feel your halo, halo, halo

# Halo, halo, halo, halo

# I can feel your halo, halo, halo... #

-AUDIENCE BOOING

-Aagh! Aagh!

Could we go again?

I think I could probably have done that a bit better.

LOCK CLICKS OPEN

WHISTLE BLOWS Oi, you!

No safe cracking!

Sorry I'm late!

-Aren't many here today.

-It's always quiet this time of year.

-BRANCH SNAPS

-What was that?

Dunno.

Muntjacs!

Well, well, well. What are you lot doing in muntjac territory?

This is not muntjac territory, this is OUR clearing!

Seems to me, this clearing belongs to whoever wants it most,

and right now, I'm guessing that's...us!

Not today, muntjacs!

Oh, no! It's Steven, back from Switzerland!

We should go!

Hold on! We've got every right to be here.

I thought this was a deer club!

Yes, but muntjacs are not true deer!

He knows! He knows! We should definitely go!

All right! You win this time, Steven!

You can have your clearing!

Rubbish, anyway!

-HE BRAYS

-Who is that?

-It's Steven, back from Switzerland!

-He's magnificent!

HE GROWLS

15,001... 15,002.

Oh, hello there! I didn't hear you come in.

You know, keeping a tidy kitchen

is an important part of a busy cook's life,

and I've just been reorganising my recipes into alphabetical order.

All 15,000 of them...

It's taken me 27 hours...

But well worth it...

Anyway, now it's time for a quick snack and a break,

but it's not a biscuit for me! Oh, no, to the biscuits!

And oh, no, to the French fancies!

No, for me, it's a good, old-fashioned...

blueberry. PFRRRRRT!

Ooh! Bit of backdraft... PFRRRRRT!

Oh! I just had a bit of afterburn... PFRRRRRT!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, it's Cindy's birthday!

-Yay!

Now, you're both old enough now

to have a nice meal out at a lovely restaurant,

so, table manners, please, everyone.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Remember...we may be dung beetles,

but we're as good as anyone else in here.

-Voila.

-Ooh! Thank you.

One for you, pass them on.

Cor, blimey! Look at the prices on here! Ha! No starters, anyone.

And no fizzy drinks! Maxwell, you're eight years old,

-you're ordering off the children's menu.

-Dad! I'm not a kid!

-I'm 11!

-I know! Hunch down in your chair. Good boy!

Mum! Mum, is that Debbie McCormack's mum and dad over there?

They've got a swimming pool. Can we have a swimming pool?

They're bees, Cindy. I'm sure we'd have a pool

if your dad worked in honey, like Debbie's father.

Stupid, stripy show-off! Oi! Gerald!

Gerald! Watch you don't sting anyone on the way out. You might die!

-DAD LAUGHS

-Bonjour!

-May I take your order?

-Oh(!)

-I'll have...

the, um, buffalo-dung salad, no dressing,

Maxwell, dung, beans and chips, and, Cindy?

Can I have dauphinoise potatoes, stuffed aubergines and...?

-THUD!

-Ow! Actually, second thoughts,

I think I'll just have dung on toast, thank you.

And I will take the elephant dung, por favour.

Tony! Watch your waistline!

Fine. The kangaroo dung. And four tap-waters.

So, that is, four dungs, and four tap-waters. Tres bien(!)

-Maxwell, have you washed your hands?

-Mum! Yes!

-All of them?

-Yes!

-Well, don't!

-Your dungs.

-Eurgh!

-What is it now?

Can't you smell that? Somebody stepped in something!

Eurgh! Maxwell, lift your foot up!

-Eurgh!

-Oh, Maxwell! Get it out of here, it stinks!

Why is he still here?! You promised you'd make him leave!

-Yes, yes, and I will.

-And why do I have to take him to school with me?!

-He is a French exchange student.

-He's YOUR French exchange student!

He's the same age as you! He should have left in 1988!

Well, perhaps at the end of this term.

-He's been bullying people at school.

-Really?

He steals their lunch money and spends it on strong cheese!

Right...! Right, I shall have a word.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

-VOLUME LOWERS

-Ah, Philippe!

Here you are. Salut!

Now... Now, Philippe, I'm rather disappointed in you.

-Je ne comprende pas.

-Je suis... rather disappointed with you.

-Quoi?

-I appears that you have been bullying other children,

which...which really rather takes the biscuit.

Bus...cuit?

-Bis...bis...biscuit.

-Bus...cuit?

-Biscuit?

-Basket? Joue en basket?!

Formidable! J'adore ca!

Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Shoot! Je m'appelle Michel Jordanne!

-Well?

-A bit of a problem with the language, there.

I think I've agreed to play basketball with him.

On-y va!

Hello!

Hello.

-Can I help you?

-Yes! I want to break the world record for hula-hooping.

I've been training for a long time, and I think I can do it.

Oh, hello, Lucy. World record for hula-hooping, please. Thank you.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello? Oh, Lucy. Thank you.

-The longest anyone has ever hula-hooped for is 90 hours.

-Easy!

Off you go.

-Do you know what hula-hooping is?

-Yes! Yes I do!

It's the most fun I've ever had in my life! Woo-hoo! All right!

That is NOT hooping.

What is it, then?

Hula-hooping involves gyrating the hips

to keep the hula hoop rotating around the person indefinitely.

Oh, right! I can do that, that's easy!

I can do this. Come on...

Right, right. I'm ready. Time me.

-How did I do?

-One second.

-What's the record?

-90 hours.

-Ooh! So close!

See you later, Mum! I'm off to the clearing.

You are not going to Deer Club today.

You've not done any chores. Stay and help with the housework.

Mu-u-um!

-You can leave those on, as well.

-Why?

-# Sunny days

-Sunny days

# I know are quite rare But I don't care, cos I'm so happy

# Oh, so happy with the world, and I

# What about a pretty girl? Well!

# Maybe yes, but I'm OK, I've had Enough heartbreak through the day

# No frills Just beans and toast tonight

# Maybe...

# Well, no more sunny days... #

Mum!

The washing's dry, the house is tidy, can I PLEASE go to Deer Club?!

-No. Your nan needs you.

-What for?

Oh, there's a knot in here, dearie. We'll have to start over.

Here we go...

-OK... Nearly there...

-Quiet, please, Erica, I need to concentrate.

These are highly explosive materials.

Sorry, yes, of course, sir. Sorry.

CREAKING What's that?

DOOR OPENS Has there been a malfunction?

-Oh, no. I just remembered.

-What?

My uncle, Sir Alan Sugar, said he'd come and visit me at work today.

Ah, boys! Hail, fellow, well met! These are my friends,

Sir Ian McKellan and Sir Alex Ferguson.

Sir Ian, Sir Alex, this is my nephew, Boris.

BOTH: Hello!

I'm actually in the middle of something rather delicate, so, er...

-I must get on.

-Well, absolutely, don't let us disturb you!

-We'll just watch from over here.

-Quiet as mice.

All right, then, but I must have absolute quiet.

CREAKING What was that?!

Some awful noise distracted my nephew Boris from his dangerous job!

Who on Earth would be so disrespectful?!

-I feel ashamed on their behalf!

-I really must get this done!

-Zip it, Knights!

-CREAKING

Absolutely quiet! OK?

SHE SNEEZES, HUGE EXPLOSION

CREAKING

Well, I must say, Sir Alan Sugar,

your nephew is a lovely chap, but not cut out for this kind of work.

Quite right. Boris...

you're fired.

CREAKING

'This is the remote outer-Hebridean island of North Barrasay,

'and this is Valerie Carpenter, head and only teacher at the school

'which has only one pupil.'

The, er, school newspaper, of course, is a very important project.

'Because it introduces vocational skills into the curriculum?'

No, no, because it's the only form of news on the whole island.

Apart from the blackboard outside the Post Office, of course.

-The one with the picture of the cat.

-'Yes, Mr Marmaduke. We saw that.'

Although, Mr Marmaduke disappeared in 1998,

so it's not exactly hot off the press!

I like to think that he has actually gone over to the mainland.

-to find himself a better life!

-SHE LAUGHS

'So where's Ross at the moment?'

Oh, well. Our head reporter is out hunting down a new scoop.

I, in the meantime, have been personally setting the crossword.

'Oh. Let's have a look.

-'Hmm.'

-If you want to read seven down.

'Ten letters, skilled teacher. A woodworker perhaps?

'Hmm.'

-Begins with C.

-'Um...'

-C and then A.

-'Um...'

It's carpenter.

'But carpenter only has nine letters, the clue says ten.'

Oh, eh. Well, that's because I like to spell my name as the French do -

with two R's.

-Carpenterr.

-'Carpenterr?'

-Carpenterr.

-'Right, I've never seen it spelt like that before.'

No, well. Um... It is a cryptic crossword so...

DOOR OPENS

-Oh.

-I've brought...

I've brought the new words for my ferry advertisement, Valerie.

-Oh, yes.

-'Archie, is it really worth your advertising?'

Oh, yes. I do one every edition.

'But you're the only ferry service on the island.'

Aye, have you seen my slogan?

The thing is if I didnae do it then people might forget

and try to swim and so it's a matter of public safety really.

-'Right.'

-Miss, Miss! I've got a scoop.

-Stop the press!

-'What's your story, Ross?'

Local boy tops class third year running.

Star student Ross triumphs in school's results table again.

Well I'm not sure, Ross.

But my mum liked it and she's 23% of the readership.

And I've managed to bag an exclusive interview with my subject.

'So, Ross. How does it feel to be top of the class again?

'Oh. Well, Ross, it's a great honour and completely a...'

Ross, I'm not sure this is quite the heart of the story.

Why is this boy achieving such great results?

-Hard work and talent?

-No.

Because he's receiving such great teachings, you know?

Perhaps that should be the headline.

Local teacher excels again.

I'm not sure that's the angle I want to go with, Miss.

Em, could we not put my advert on the front page?

-No.

-No!

No-no. We're going to need to think of a headline though

and that's for sure.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Local cat still missing.

Reported sighting actually just a hat.

This just in.

Island boy feels lonely.

Thanks very much.

'Cashier number three, please.'

I'd like to apply for a passport, please.

-Do you have a completed application form?

-Yes. There you go.

-Going on holiday. Tenerife.

-I'm going to need to see photos.

Yes, OK. Um... There you go.

I can't accept these.

Oh. What? Well, why not?

-You're not looking in the camera, for a start.

-Right, yes.

I was distracted, there was a wasp in the booth.

Plus you didn't take your hat off, you have to take those again.

Right. Um...

When I've taken them,

-is it all right to come to the front of the cue?

-No.

-Pardon?

-You're going to have to cue again I'm afraid.

-What?

But that'll take ages!

I've only got 20 minutes for lunch.

-That's not fair.

-I'm sorry, sir.

-Well can't you just...

-No!

'Cashier number three, please.'

Fine.

Right. OK.

DRUM ROLL

LOUDER DRUM ROLL

Witch! She's a witch!

THEY CHANT: Witch! Witch! Witch!

CHANTING CONTINUES

Ha-ha, ha!

Aargh! Ah!

CHANTING CONTINUES

BELL TINGS

Ah, yes. I'd like to apply for a passport, please.

Oh.

These cost £3.

-Ah...

-Ooh.

Oh. Those miniaturized hamburgers are delicious!

How do they do that?

-Miniaturized cows?

-Ha-ha, maybe.

Oh! Miniature hotdogs.

-I certainly hope those don't come from tiny dogs.

-Hmm, me neither.

I didn't know you could get miniature, bite-size, sponge cakes.

Yes. I like to have sweets after the meal myself.

Nonsense!

You must try some fish and chips. No? I'm going to have...all of them.

Huh! Look at those!

Miniature eggs? Yeah, all them.

And miniaturized, individual, stuffed tomatoes. Delicious.

Miniaturized sausages on cocktail sticks,

miniaturized Scotch egg bites.

More mini-sausages,

mini-Battenberg cakes and...a jelly.

It's extraordinary - all of this is miniaturized.

What, are they catering for tiny people?

It's just for Alan's 40th birthday.

Right. Well this miniaturized food might be all right for tiny Alan,

but we're going to have to have rather a lot.

-You do seem to have plenty on your plate.

-Oh! Well...

It's all right cos it's not for me.

No, I was getting this for my friend Susan that came with me.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah, she says she wants me to take it in the shed.

For about 11 minutes.

She said um... don't come in...the shed.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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