Episode 5 Sorry I've Got No Head

# La la, la-la-la-la

# La la, la-la-la-la-la-la

# O-o-o-o-o-o-oh!

# La la, la-la-la-la

# La la, la-la-la-la

# La la la, la-la-la-la. #

Martin.

Martin, I need you to get up now, please.

Dad wants you to mow the lawn and then I need you to go round

to Mr Adams' at number 42, to run some errands. His leg's playing up.

Hmmp. Maybe my bees can help.

Sorry, what did you say?

I said, maybe my bees can help.

Bees aren't alarm clocks.

Yes, but bees are early risers, Mrs Green.

They know how to wake up and how to wake each other up.

My bees will fly out of the hive, up the stairs

and will use their gentle buzzing

and the pleasant flapping of their tiny wings

to rouse Martin, both firmly and gently, from sleep.

Well, brilliant. Be my guest.

They are brilliant bees.

I'll just give them a few brief instructions.

B-z-z-z-z-z-z. Wake him up.

B-z-z-z-z-z-z. The chap upstairs. B-z-z-z.

Under the duvet. B-z-z-z-z-z-z. The boy, yep. Go on.

B-z-z-z-z-z-z. As you practised. OK, b-z-z, b-z-z.

Oh, B-Z-Z-Z!

Wake up a-go-go, my bees.

BUZZING

Argh! No, no, up the stairs!

No, no! Argh!

Argh! Argh!

All right, all right! I'm up!

That seemed to do the trick.

No, no, no! Argh! Argh!

Brave Vikings, as you know, Brunhilda has taken

the women away for the Annual Viking Lady Winter Picnic.

And we have been left here, looking after the baby.

Won't be a problem for such brave, fierce Vikings as us.

Oh, no, no. There'll be no problem at all, looking after Little Sven.

-Yes?

-No, no, not you, Sven. I was referring to my son.

-Oh, right.

-Little Sven.

-Yes?

-No!

Pay attention! I knew it was a mistake to call him Little Sven.

-Yes?

-No! Oh, honestly, Sven,

I've had it up to my horns with you and your idiotic behaviour.

-You drive me mad.

-That's a bit harsh on the baby, Chief.

-He's only only having a little nap.

-Oh!

-Coochie-coochie...

-Don't touch him, you'll wake him.

He's very cute when he's asleep, isn't he?

Oh, look at his tiny hands

and his tiny little feet.

And his tiny beard.

ALL: Yes!

-W-a-a-h!

-ALL: Argh!

-W-a-a-h!

-ALL: Argh!

-W-a-a-h!

-ALL: Argh!

-W-a-a-h!

-ALL: Argh!

Please, please, please, calm down.

There is no need for screaming. It's just a little baby.

Coochie-coochie-coo.

-Burp!

-Ooh! ALL: Argh!

'The lunchtime traffic through the town centre is very, very light,

'making your journey an absolute breeze.

'It's 12.30, time for The Easy Hour.'

Mummy!

Mum, it's half past twelve, I should have been at school hours ago.

Why didn't you wake me?

And why did you unplug my alarm clock?

Don't whinge, Timmy. Mummy's got this under control.

Oh, but, Mummy, I'm going to be in terrible trouble

with the headmaster and I'm going to miss backgammon club.

Don't be a negative ninny, Timmy.

I'm sorry, Mummy, you're right,

but how am I going to get to school on time at this rate?

That's easy, Popsy!

Mummy's going to drive you.

Once we get to school, I'll use the...Time Laser.

Time Laser?

Yes, Tiddles. And once we get to the school gates,

having breezed through the light lunchtime traffic,

I'm going to zap you with this time-travel laser,

popping you back four hours, just in time for double Geography.

Oh, and I get a lie-in?! Oh, Mummy, that's brilliant!

Yes, Mummy's not just a pretty face.

-Ooh!

-Oh!

Time to put your uniform on.

Righty-ho and a side-order of jolly good!

-Oh, let's get you to school, Timothy.

-Mummy?

-Mmm?

-Are you sure this is going to work?

-Of course, you little worry wart.

-But...

-Would you like to have a test run?

-Would that set Timmy's little mind at rest?

-Yes, Mummy!

Very well, Tiddles. I'm just going to set it to five minutes ago

-when I point and shoot.

-See you five minutes ago!

Bye, bye, Tiddles!

ZAPPING

Oh, gosh. Looks like Mummy sent you back a little bit far in time.

I'll, eh, just get the carry-cot.

COMMENTATOR: And look at the concentration here,

as the long jump competition reaches it's climax.

Yes, this Australian, of indeterminate age,

is known as a bit of a practical joker in the locker rooms.

Really, Trevor? What sort of things does he get up to?

-Mainly biting people.

-I see.

But it's down to business now. Here he comes.

There's the American competitor! This is interesting.

How will the officials score this?

I don't think points are on his mind, Trevor. Watch out for that bite!

LAUGHTER

-Chocolate?

-Oh, go on! Oh, violet cream ,lovely.

Oh, my go. Oh, violet cream.

-Not my favourite, just my luck.

-Hannah?

Not a big fan of the violet creams, Have you go a caramely one?

Yes, I'm sure I do. There we go!

Oh, sorry. Not a violet cream, a caramel.

Oh, right! They're the purple ones, aren't they?

-There we are.

-No, I don't want that one.

-Oh, no!

You wanted a violet cream. They're the purple ones.

-Not purple.

-No, you want a violet one.

I don't want a violet cream, I want a caramel.

Right. You look at this little menu of the chocolates,

tell me which you want and I'll get it.

-A caramel.

-Which is that?

-In the green wrapper.

-The violet cream?

-No.

-You pointed to the violet cream.

-No, I didn't.

The caramel in the green wrapper.

I see what's happened. I misread which one you were pointing at,

because you've got quite a wide finger.

I thought you pointed at the green one,

but you were pointing at the violet cream.

There you are.

Put that back in the box.

Now, do not ask me if I want a violet cream.

I do not want a violet cream.

I never asked for a violet cream. What kind of idiot

wants a chocolate made out of flowers?

-I quite like them.

-You stay out of it!

Gerald, give my a caramel in a green wrapper, yeah?

And give it to me now, before I get very, very upset.

Oh, I see what's happened here. I've got all mixed up.

-You want a green one?

-Yes.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

-Violet cream!

-Green wrapper, like you asked.

-Gerald?

-Mm-hm?

-Give me the box.

-No.

-Give me the box.

-No.

-The box.

What happened to all the others?

I ate them.

So, erm, which chocolate do you want?

Violet cream.

Hmm? Delicious?

-Yuch!

-Another one?

Emily and Monty Forrest have been an acting, singing

and dancing duo for seven years.

In that time, they've auditioned for more than 17,000 roles together -

without success.

# Not a sound from the pavement

# Has the moon lost her memory? #

-Rrrr, rrrr.

-Miaow.

-Miaow, miaow, miaow, which is cat language for

-"Hello!"

-Hello, you two.

-Let me guess, Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat?

-No!

You big silly! Today, we're auditioning for Cats.

Well, you're both looking great.

Have you done any special preparation for the audition?

Yes, well, the reserach we've done seems to indicate

-this is predominantly a show about

-cats!

-Yeah, so for the last fortnight, we've been looking at

-cats,

-studying the movements, the actions, the voices of

-cats!

-And we're pretty much ready for any show that is about

-cats!

Yes, we've got it down to a fine art.

-Cats - we're actually very realistic.

-Cats! Miaow!

For example, I'm fascinated by this piece of wool. Miaow! Miaow! Miaow!

And I actually really like eating cat food.

Mmm!

-First I've kept down.

-Hmm, well done.

Just like a real cat.

Rrriow! I hate mice!

Oh, just let me curl up by that radiator.

Often, when people are eating, I'll just get up on the table

and, sort of, back towards them, with no trousers on.

He-he-he! Miaow! Rrioaw!

Oh, let me at those birds, will ya?

-Rrrar! Rrrar!

-Hairball.

HE COUGHS, SHE LAUGHS

So, all in all, I think they'll be pretty impressed.

-Oops.

-Eh, OK, Emily and Monty Forrest?

-That's us. Wish us luck.

-Hope this isn't a cat-astrophe!

Could be cat-aclysmic!

Yeah, feline pretty good about this one?!

Cat-egorically, yes, Monty.

Let's hope we don't need nine lives.

-It's just in here.

-OK.

-Miaow!

-Rrr, rrr, rrr, m-i-i-i-aow!

So...

No, we didn't get it.

I think the director thought our portrayal of the cats was too real.

Yeah, in retrospect, probably a mistake to have peed in his shoe.

-There he is, the director.

-Changed his mind.

YELPING

Dog!

-Rriaow! Rriaow!

-Woof!

BELL RINGS

Happy mealtime to you, love. What can I get you?

I'd like, eh...

Oh, your big red button of doom is broken?

Yeah, I know, repair man's coming out on Tuesday to fix it.

That's great! I mean...

..how awful for you.

(Her big red button's broken.)

-(Do you mean, we can order what we like?

-Without fear?)

(Excellent!)

Cod and chips, please!

-Me, too.

-And me.

INTERMITTENT BUZZING

BEEPING

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hello, hello, hello. What can I get you, little sweet cheeks?

So, how did you get on in the maths exam?

-I got 100%.

-Oh, well done, dear!

-Mr Miller said it was the best exam he'd ever seen.

-You worked very hard.

-We're very proud.

-This calls for a treat.

-We're going to the funfair to celebrate!

-Great!

-No, not you.

-Why not?

-Seems to me you're very good at maths.

-I suppose so.

So, you could work out what a third of our monthly gas bill might be.

I expect so.

A bill that you don't contribute to.

But I only get £2 a week pocket money.

Whilst your mother and I pay the entire amount.

It seems only reasonable that we go to the funfair.

Oh.

Don't worry, dear. We've thought of you, you won't get bored.

We've hired a special babysitter.

-Mr Miller?

-That's right.

He's going to look after you - and do some extra maths.

Enjoy!

If you'd like to get your pen out, Peter, we shall start

with some rather difficult and challenging equations.

Hurry up, dear. I want to hook a duck

and then ride on the dodgems at least five times.

Have a lovely evening.

Right, OK, Peter, settle down, please.

Can we begin with 1,953 ¸ 17, Peter.

Quickly.

-1,900...

-Quickly!

-..and 53...

# Oh, love, love me do You know I love you

# I'll always... #

Hello, Cindy, darling. Nice day at school?

Whoa, whoa! Before you two start clucking,

give us a hand bringing this shopping in.

Ooh, he bought your favourite for tea?

Oh, well, what's that? Dung?

Maybe.

O-o-o-oh!

Less of your cheek, you. Come on.

Yeah, in a minute.

What's the matter, Pookie?

-Oh! Cindy!

-What the...?

Thought we'd had this talk.

But, Mum, all the other girls at school have got 'em.

I told you, Missy.

You're too young for dots.

Yeah, not to mention the wrong species.

To think, a daughter of mine

painting herself up like a cheap ladybird.

I love red, it's my favourite colour.

Be that as it maybe, we are dung beetles.

Our favourite colour is...

brown!

It's the colour of poo. I hate you!

You're very immature to bring poo into this.

Now, come on, bring that dung in.

Oh!

Brown's fine with me, though, darling.

-He-he! Check out these wing casings.

-Ooh, aren't they brown?

Ooh, let me muzzle you, darling.

Ooops, watch!

-It's not easy.

-Aah!

-There we go.

-Yuch!

SWOOSH!

-What are you doing?

-Golf.

Lovely, can I play?

I've only one controller, mate.

Don't worry, I've got my own gear.

You need a controller to play properly, mate.

I'll give it a try.

Nine-iron, I think.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY

GLASS BREAKS

-Ooh! Sliced it a bit!

-Ohhh...

-I'll go again, shall I?

-Urgh!

Hello?

Is anybody here?

Jeff, let's just go, there's nobody here.

The sign on the door said open!

-We are indeed open! Welcome!

-'Elcome!

Do excuse Mr Faraway. He lost his W's in a fire.

A terrible tragedy, Mr Elevenses, but there you are!

A twerrible twagedy intweed.

-But what can you do?

-Nothing. Nothing.

But! We bid you 'elcome to...

BOTH: The Museum of Imagination!

Oh, I see. The Museum...

BOTH: ..of Imagination!

Oh. Whaddaya got?

What 'aven't we got, is a better question.

'Hat haven't we got, indeed.

Take a look here.

Beneath this cloth of finest silk,

there lurks the perfectly preserved head of a cyclops.

The mythical one-eyed giant whose head was found preserved in a mountain in Greece.

-Mountains!

-Well, that's incredible!

It is the most amazing thing you will ever see!

BOTH: In your imagination!

-But there's nothing there!

-It's empty.

No, it is there.

BOTH: In your imagination!

OK, fine. What else do you have?

All kinds of incredible things!

Look over here!

The diamond-encrusted death mask of Tutankhamen lies beneath.

-It is said to be cursed.

-Cursed!

-Cursed!

Well, that is incredible, I have always wanted to see that. It's amazing that it's here!

-Well, it's definitely here...

-BOTH: In your imagination!

OK, right, I got it.

I think we've had enough, come on, Jenny.

Please, please, stay!

Have a look at our pamphlet.

BOTH: In your imagination!

Right, that's it! We are leaving!

What was wrong with them? Didn't they want to see the holy grail?!

I suppose not.

I see you got your W's back, Mr Faraway?

How 'onderful, Mr Elevenses.

RELIGIOUS MUSIC PLAYS

THEY SING A NOTE

Hm, this looks like a classic case of photographer's eyelid.

-What does that mean?

-Just blink for me?

CAMERA SHUTTER NOISE

It means that.

Hey! That's cool!

Stop that!

Hm! Nice shot!

Hello, I want to break a record.

-Well, you've come to the right office.

-Good!

-What record?

-Juggling!

-Juggling.

Yes! I shall attempt to juggle the most balls ever at one time.

What's the record?

Sandra? Juggling?

Thank you.

12 balls.

Easy! I've been practising for years.

Right. Off you go then.

Oh, I've left my balls at home but I'll just juggle what's on your desk.

-Well...

-Don't worry!

One, two, three, pop it in there...

..five...that one there...

six, seven, eight...

Erm, I need one more. Give us your glasses!

No, it's fine! I know what I'm doing!

Please be careful.

Prepare to be amazed!

Never before has one man juggled 13 objects at one time!

That, ladies and gentlemen, is about to change.

Oh...

-What's the record?

-12.

-How did I do?

-None.

Oh! So close!

Just 12 off!

Here's your glasses.

They look fine.

FIDDLE MUSIC PLAYS

This is the remote Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.

And this is Valerie Carpenter, head and only teacher at the school which has only one pupil.

It's a nerve-wracking day for the staff at North Barrasay,

as the Schools Inspector is visiting from the mainland.

So, Valerie, are you worried about the School Inspector's visit?

Och, no, no.

I think once he engages with the children

he's going to realise our standards are way up there with the mainland.

Right. Class. I just wanted to have a quick chat, get to know you.

I am the Schools Inspector but don't let that worry you,

we don't tell off pupils, only teachers.

HE TITTERS

No, but seriously, her job IS on the line,

so don't let her down.

Later, Mr Stevenson sits in on the history lesson.

Miss!

-How come we're using the new history books?

-Erm...

I don't know what you mean, Ross!

You said we couldn't use the new ones, cos I'd get them all grubby.

I'm quite sure I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, OK.

Oh, look, it's even got how WW2 finishes!

WE WON!!! Brilliant!

It's not been going too well. but Valerie has a trick or two up her sleeve,

so the class can make the best possible impression.

Ross, if you're sure you know the answer, put up your right hand,

if you're sure you don't know the answer, put up your left hand.

-Have you got it?

-I've got it.

Valerie, are you sure this is a good idea?

Oh, absolutely.

It's just a little trick we teachers use to make the class look a bit more responsive.

OK, ahem, right...

Now, class, let's try a bit of physics first of all,

just an oral test first.

How many grammes are there in a kilogramme?

-Oh!

-Yes, Ross.

-Is it a thousand, Miss?

-Excellent.

Ahm. Now, moving on, bit more physics.

Now, Carbon-14 is an isotope.

What is its half-life to the nearest thousand years?

Anybody?

No-one?

No? Anybody? No.

No. OK, moving on, now let's do a bit of Spanish...

Erm, I think Ross had the answer.

-No, we're doing Spanish now.

-Well, I think you should let Ross answer.

Actually, I'd rather not.

Well, that seems very odd to me, I can't say I fully understand what's going on here.

What I'd also like to know is why you have

"Know" written on that hand and "Don't know" written on this hand.

Hm? Perhaps somebody can explain to me exactly what's going on here?

Yes? Ross?

Oh, you don't know.

Right.

Poor.

So, Valerie, how do you think it went today?

Yes, I actually think it was very productive, you know.

And on the inspector's recommendation,

I'm actually implementing some new staff training,

-I'm working on it now.

-Can we have a look?

Uh...well...no. No.

Valerie, has Mr Stevenson given you lines?

Well, they're more guidelines, if you like, I suppose...

-No talking back there!

-Sorry.

Could you just go? I'll get into trouble!

I'll talk to you at the break-time if that's OK.

Valerie Carpenter! Don't make me come back there!

Sorry. Go!

Hi. Yeah, hi, Lily.

No, I'm afraid I can't make it tonight.

Yeah. Yeah, I...

Josh, this is the wrong meal. Tell her I ordered the omelette.

What, me? Why me?

What? I can't, Lily.

-Darren...

-No, I'm afraid I've...

-Oi!

-I've got football practice.

-Oi!

Hang on. WHAT?!

I'm not sure I can do it. I'm rubbish at complaining.

I always make a mess of it.

-Tell her I ordered the omelette!

-She doesn't look very friendly. And I bet she hates ghosts.

Here we go again! Whining on about being a ghost! I'm sick of it!

Hi, Lily, yeah, I think...

I can come round after football practice.

Just tell her!

How did the exams go?

Erm...

-HIGH VOICE:

-Excuse me!

What?

HE MOUTHS

WHOOO!!!!

It's a ghost!

THEY ALL SCREAM

I know, but you can't say that.

It's incredibly offensive in New Zealand.

Guys, could you hold...? >

Guys, could you...?

-It's your friend Louise.

-Oh, right, yeah. Hold the lift.

-We'll never do anything to embarrass her.

-Or she'll inflate, believe me, I remember.

-And she embarrasses very easily.

-Don't worry.

Oh, hi, guys.

Oh, thank you. Oh...

-Number three, please.

-Yeah.

FARTING NOISE

Oh, no...

RUMBLING NOISE

Oh, no, it's happening again.

Erm...second floor. Is this where you two get out?

This could take a while.

PHONE RINGS

Nice day for it!

-Toothache, is it?

-Yes.

-I've got a toothache.

-You wanna get that seen to.

-I AM getting it seen to.

-Oh, that's good.

-You can go next if you like.

-I AM in next.

What you need is something to take your mind off it.

WAHEY!

SHE MOANS WITH PAIN

It's, "WAYHEY!"

Not, "Argh!"

Right, let's give it a go.

WAHEY!

Wah-argh-oh!

Still not really getting the "WAHEY!" effect.

I like what you did with your arms though.

But you wanna get them up above your head,

not like you're holding a couple of lemons.

Maybe one more go.

And I'm not forgetting you in all of this!

Right. Here we go...

WAHEY!

Look. Can you please just shut up and leave me alone?

Not bad, at least you're standing up, we'll work on the words later.

Oh, I'm in pain!

Not quite! WAHEY!

WAHEY!

Oh! The pain's gone!

That's it! WAHEY!

WAHEY!

BOO!

-BOO!

-BOO!

BOO!

-Right, who's next?

-She is.

-No, I'm not!

Oh, yes you are! He's done it. I've done it... It's your turn.

There's no need to be nervous.

No, I'm waiting for a friend.

Of course. C'mon now, come with me...

Leave her alone! She's next!

-WAHEY!

-WAHEY!

-WAHEY!

-WAHEY!

WAHEY!

WAHEY...ohhh!

Let's see if we can't take the bite out of that spaniel. This way.

Subtitles by FH Middleton Red Bee Media

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