Episode 6 Sorry I've Got No Head


Episode 6

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# La, la, la, la, la, la

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# La, la, la, la, la, la, la

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# Ooh

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# La, la, la, la, la, la

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# La, la, la, la, la, la

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# La, la, la, la, la, la, la. #

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BELL RINGS

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Oh, it's you again.

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-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hi!

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HE BURPS

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What do you want this time?

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-Any old jobs needing round the house?

-No, there's nothing.

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Come on! We're here to help!

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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Dib, dib, dob, dob, dib, dib, dob, dob...

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No, really. I'm fine!

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All right, fellas, let's get started.

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-Stop! What are...?

-Would you like a cup of tea?

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-Wait! No, you...

-Milk?

-I...

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-Hold on!

-Sugar?

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-Now, listen...

-Custard tart?

-Oh!

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Mmm, lovely!

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Right, job done. Let's move out!

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Dib, dib, dob, dob, dib, dib, dob, dob...

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-Cheerio!

-But...

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-Ho, ho, ho! What a marvellous spread.

-Yes, it is rather good, isn't it?

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-I don't believe we've met. I'm Roger.

-Father Christmas. Oh, donuts.

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-Lovely.

-It's a nice costume. Are you wearing that for a kid's party?

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No, I'm the actual real Father Christmas.

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-Oh, mini Kievs!

-You're not the real Father Christmas, though, are you?

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-I've definitely seen you at a buffet before.

-That's unlikely.

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-Tell me, do you like gala pie?

-I'm not that keen...

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-Would you do me a slice?

-Mm-hm.

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Not that one. Not that one. Not that one.

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That one. Thanking you.

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That potato salad looks very Christmassy, don't you think?

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I'll take some of that for Donner. Kebabs. Delicious.

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If you're Father Christmas, what are you doing taking food off a buffet?

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Oh-ho! This food's not for me, no.

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This is for the kiddies.

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Ho, mini sausages!

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-Children don't want mini sausages for Christmas.

-They do!

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No! They want toy cars and computer games and dolls with realistic hair.

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Listen, in my experience as the real Father Christmas,

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most children wake up Christmas morning and the thing they dream of

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most of all is an entire gala pie and a bowl of olives.

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-You're not Father Christmas!

-I may not be the real Father Christmas,

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but this is real salami and I'm having it.

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Now, if you don't mind, I shall go out to my sleigh,

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where I will distribute this delicious lemon drizzle cake

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slice by slice to all the good children. Ho, ho, ho!

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Merry Christmas!

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-It's July.

-What, you're saying this lot won't keep?

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Better have it now. Rudolf! Open the pickles!

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I did it! I completed level ten!

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That's wonderful news. How fabulous.

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I had to collect 7,000 apples, it took five days, but I did it!

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Now the level ten trophy is mine!

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That's brilliant. Let's make some room on the trophy shelf.

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Right. Let's move the Moon of Ephandor,

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the jewel-encrusted crystal orb I received for completing level five.

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And let me just move

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my International Champion of the Mountains trophy.

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So what did you win?

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Yes! 7,000 apples - it must be pretty impressive.

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-It wasn't another apple, was it?

-THEY LAUGH

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No, of course not!

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It's a pear.

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Oh, um...

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-Oh, well that's...nice.

-Yes. Congrat... Congratulations.

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Uh, very impressive.

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You know, recently I've found it quite hard to get motivated,

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but seeing that there makes it all seems really worthwhile.

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Wo-ho!

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Level 12 is toast! Check it out!

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Ha-ha! Mission accomplished!

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High five!

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Anyone?

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These are so hot right now. Everyone at school is doing them.

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I did them first, of course. But they are way hot.

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-Yeah, they're so hot.

-They're so hot.

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-They're so hot.

-Do you want to know what's hot?

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-What?

-What?

-What?

-What?

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The Beast of Bodmin. Hot.

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-Oh, yeah, it's so hot.

-Hot. Hot.

-Yeah, really hot.

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-You want to know what's not hot?

-No, what?

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-What?

-What?

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The letter K.

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-The letter K, no.

-So not hot.

-Not hot.

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SHE SNORTS

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I, like, got everyone some ice cream.

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-Oh, wow!

-Like, help yourselves.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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OK. Thank you. Gosh, ice cream is so hot right now.

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Come on!

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Amy?!

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I've led a noble life!

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Oh! Oh, you are so not hot right now!

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ALL: You are so not hot!

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-So not hot!

-She's so not hot!

-We are hot.

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Someone fix this, I can't do it.

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Hiya! Harry Bold's here.

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Boldly adventuring where so few have adventured before.

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Today I'm going mountain biking!

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Wow! Scary, innit? I know. But don't worry about me.

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I'll be fine. I went to a shop,

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and this bloke sold me all the kit I could possibly need.

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Plus, I'm not doing this alone. Oh, no.

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I'm joined by my friend, Terry Brave. He's sharing the danger.

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All right.

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OK, let's talk kit.

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It's just like the ones they use at the Olympics,

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only completely different.

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It's made of a very special metal that's been invented by science,

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called Bikeum, and even though it might look like an old lady's bike,

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it's definitely not. As the bloke in the shop said,

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"You wouldn't pay £2,000 for an old lady's bike."

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And I did pay £2,000 for this. So it can't be. Can it?

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What about you, Terry? What have you got?

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I've got a bike.

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How many gears?

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Dunno.

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Right.

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OK. Other kit.

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Shin pads. Knee pads. Thigh pads. Arm pads. Hand pads. Elbow pads.

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Shoulder pads. Chin pads. Nose pads. And ear muffs.

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I've got mittens.

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Special mittens?

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Well, they're on a bit of elastic so I can't lose 'em,

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so, yeah, pretty special.

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Cos I'm going mountain biking, I've got a mountain.

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A bloke in the shop sold it to me, but it was too big

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to get in the boot of my car, so I left it in my garden at home.

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The neighbours aren't too happy, but still.

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What else have you got, Terry?

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-Uh, I've got this woolly hat.

-Is that it?

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And, um, me mam made me some sandwiches for later.

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Right. And is that in a carbon reinforced, Kevlar-based,

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anti-ballistic, food safety containment device?

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No, they're just wrapped in foil.

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Right.

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Between you and me, I think Terry's in some serious danger.

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What's that?

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Uh, nothing. Come on, let's go mountain biking!

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No. That's not for me.

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I quite liked it.

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Brave Vikings, I have seen the future,

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and it is clear.

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You mean you've been given the power of foresight, oh, Chief?

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Oh... I mean, it is clear.

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It is see-through. It is glass.

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Glass?

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Yes! No longer do we need to drink from the skulls of our enemies

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or peer through windows made of mud. No.

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From now on, we shall make, use and sell glass.

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ALL: Ooh!

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-But I like drinking from the skulls of my enemies!

-Ssh!

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-They give Zolaf the willies!

-They do.

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So, to set the ball rolling, I have turned our Viking council chamber

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into a glassware hut.

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ALL: Ooh!

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-This glass is incredible!

-Aye! Some freshly picked wild flowers

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will look beautiful in that crystal vase.

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-Is there anything else you can do with glass, oh, Chief?

-Why, yes!

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You can fashion a thing called a looking glass.

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HE SCREAMS

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-Viking!

-Viking!

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THEY ALL SCREAM

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Oh, do not be scared. It's just your reflections!

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HE SCREAMS

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Viking!

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Perhaps, on second thoughts, we should get rid of all this glassware

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and go back to drinking out of skulls.

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HE SCREAMS

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THEY ALL SCREAM

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RINGTONE: "I'm On Fire"

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-Hello?

-'Is that Mr Witchfinder General, sir?'

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Speaking.

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-'Good morning, sir. How are you today?'

-Fine. Sorry, what is this?

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'Well, Mr General, this is just a brief courtesy call

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'from your mobile phone service provider.'

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-Oh. Right. It's just that, um...

-'Did you know that by

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'switching your contract, you'll be able to save up to £20 a year?'

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No, I didn't know that. It's just that I'm in the middle of...

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'..we'll be able to offer you a free upgrade.'

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-Could you call back later?

-'It won't take a minute.'

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-Right. I don't really...

-'I see that, on average,

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'you send 30 texts a month and you use, on average,

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'130 minutes of talk time.'

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-I...

-'I'd like to upgrade to our Business Talk Time package.

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'We offer discount for your most popular numbers...'

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Witch! He's a witch!

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-'Sorry? Witch?

-Witch! Witch! Witch!

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-'No, get off me! Argh!

-Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!'

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HE SIGHS

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It's burnt now.

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-What's the matter?

-It's the clearing.

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-The council are planning on selling it for building land.

-No way!

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Sorry, sorry.

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Where will we do our deer stuff?

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Hey, it's not so bad.

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Deer Club's not a place. It's an idea.

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It's a set of principles.

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We can be deer anywhere!

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Ah! They were supposed to have removed these before we got here.

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It's just not the same.

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Argh!

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-What do we want?

-The clearing!

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-When do we want it?

-Tuesdays and Saturdays!

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-What do we want?

-The clearing!

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-When do we want it?

-Tuesdays and Saturdays.

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-What do we want?

-The clearing!

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-When do we want it?

-It's the man from the council.

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What on earth are you people doing?

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We're protesting. We're trying to save this clearing. For Deer Club.

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-Deer Club?

-Yes. You know, we hang out and do deer stuff.

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Moving quietly and swiftly across the ground.

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-Eating small portions of fruit.

-There's a club? For that?

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We meet here every Tuesday and Saturday. Al least, we did.

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Sounds brilliant! Can anyone join?

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Not that easy. It's a very difficult selection process.

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Antlers! No, we're always looking for new members.

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All right, lads, you can go home.

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This clearing is safe.

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Look at him. He's getting it all wrong.

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And that jacket! I told him, autumn tones!

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He's the worst Deer Club member we've ever had.

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-Do you want to go back to the Leisure Centre?

-No, but look - watermelon?

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When have you ever seen a deer eat watermelon ever?

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-It's like he's not even trying!

-Steven! Just smile and wave.

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Yes, it's vertical, not horizontal, you idiot!

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Dad, I've had enough. Why is he still here?

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Well, you see, Danny, he's a guest in our house.

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He's been here since before I was born!

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Why doesn't he go back to France?

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It might be useful for you to have an exchange student,

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help you with French.

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I don't even do French!

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Well, it's nice to have a multicultural...

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Look what he did to my Dalek!

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Right. Right, I'll sort this out.

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LOUD FRENCH MUSIC

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HE TURNS THE MUSIC DOWN

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-Ah. Philippe. There you are.

-Salut!

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Now, I...I don't want to crack the whip, here, but...

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Danny's rather upset about his Dalek.

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Peter, je ne comprends pas.

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You...you see, you've painted a tricolore flag on the Dalek.

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-Oui. Liberte, egalite...

-IMPERSONATES DALEK:

-..fraternite!

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I don't think it's fair that Danny should have to foot the bill...

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Foot...bull?

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-Foot the bill?

-Foot...?

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-Yes, foot!

-Foot? Foot!

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Formidable! J'adore le foot! Je m'appelle Zinedine Zidane.

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He shoot! He score!

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HE LAUGHS

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Well?

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Eh... A bit of a problem with the language, there.

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I think I've agreed to play football with him.

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HE SIGHS

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On y va.

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HE SINGS IN FRENCH

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Ah! That's lovely, Steven. Keep up the good work.

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Really nice chopping.

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Oh, now watch those scallops don't burn, Ian.

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Otherwise, very good work. Lovely.

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Hello.

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Hi.

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And what are you making?

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Uh, spicy lentil soup,

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followed by sizzling chicken wings in a hot chilli sauce

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and finishing off with a banana flambe.

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Oh, and ten rounds of toast on the side.

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Aren't you worried that's all a bit...?

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Oh, no. No, I can do it. I like a challenge.

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No, I meant, wouldn't it be better to try to cook something...

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colder, like a nice lemon sorbet or a lettuce and carrot...?

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What?

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No. I didn't mean carrot. I meant...

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tomato.

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-Right. Yeah, I see what you're saying.

-What?

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You think that I can't cook.

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No, no. It's just...

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You think that cos I'm made out of snow, I'm a second-class citizen.

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Well, that kind of thing just hurts my feelings.

0:15:530:15:56

I've got a heart, you know?

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Oh, yeah. I haven't got a heart, obviously, but I've got...a hat.

0:15:590:16:04

Now, if you don't mind...

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Oh, the pan's hot!

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Ah...

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Maybe I'll serve the soup cold...

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I'll be in the freezer if you need me.

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All the tests have come back,

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and I'm afraid you've got percussionist's buttock.

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HE PLAYS A RHYTHM

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It's more pronounced on the other side.

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COMPLEX JAZZ RHYTHM

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:16:420:16:45

Oh, no, what's this, Tony?

0:17:050:17:08

Well, you're always complaining about the old telly, so...

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I bought a new one from the flea market.

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Oh! From who?

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A wasp.

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But don't worry, I didn't get stung!

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Anyway, this is state of the art.

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-Brand new from the factory.

-Why's it covered in cobwebs?

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I dunno. Factory was run by a spider, probably.

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Why didn't you get them to deliver?

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And pay extra?

0:17:300:17:31

I am a dung beetle.

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I'm used to shifting fives times me own weight across the desert plains.

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A telly isn't dung!

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This one is.

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You shut your mouth! I dunno why I bother, anyway.

0:17:400:17:42

There's never anything on.

0:17:420:17:44

-On telly?

-Yeah. Load of old rubbish.

0:17:440:17:48

Just pop music and reality shows. What's wrong with a good book?

0:17:480:17:52

When's the last time YOU read a book?

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It hasn't got an antenna. How are we gonna get a signal?

0:17:540:17:57

Make yourself useful, son.

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Left a bit...left a bit.

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No, MY left!

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That's it. Up...down...

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Oh, look! There's a programme starting.

0:18:080:18:11

'..part of the outback's fragile eco system...'

0:18:110:18:13

Told you.

0:18:130:18:14

Just boring old reality shows.

0:18:140:18:16

That kid's from my school.

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Argh!

0:18:180:18:20

So, the prince kissed Sleeping Beauty, who awoke,

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and they fell in love and lived happily ever after.

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-That's nothing, mate.

-What?

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All that sleeping for 100 years nonsense. It's rubbish.

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Mind you, I was up Southampton way one time,

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doing this boiler installation, yeah?

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Ringing on a bloke's doorbell - no answer.

0:18:470:18:49

Fallen fast asleep. Spark out.

0:18:490:18:51

So I climbed up next door's drainpipe with a boiler on me back.

0:18:510:18:55

Onto the roof, jump onto the next building,

0:18:550:18:57

abseil down through the kitchen window, start the installation.

0:18:570:19:01

Turns out, the bloke who's house it is, it's only that Daniel Craig's!

0:19:010:19:05

James Bond, see? He's woken up when he's heard me on the drainpipe,

0:19:050:19:09

he's seen me swinging through the windows and that. He says,

0:19:090:19:12

I would make a brilliant stunt man.

0:19:120:19:14

Would I like to do all his stunts on the new James Bond film?

0:19:140:19:17

Starts shooting in Prague next month.

0:19:170:19:20

I thought about it for a while, you know? But...

0:19:200:19:22

I don't care for Eastern European food, so I said no, ta.

0:19:220:19:25

It's all pickled veg and sausage. Makes me guff.

0:19:250:19:28

What are you talking about?

0:19:280:19:30

Still, I charged him double time on the boiler installation. Quids in.

0:19:300:19:34

Boiler? A van? Where do you get this from, you're nine!

0:19:340:19:37

Anyway, look, gotta get me head down.

0:19:370:19:39

I've got a 100-mile round trip tomorrow to pick up a generator.

0:19:390:19:43

-Night.

-But...

0:19:430:19:44

This is the remote Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.

0:19:470:19:51

And this is Valerie Carpenter,

0:19:530:19:54

head and only teacher at the school which has only one pupil.

0:19:540:19:58

It's the day before Valentine's Day on North Barrasay,

0:19:580:20:02

and love is in the air.

0:20:020:20:04

Ross, can you tell us what you're doing?

0:20:040:20:06

Um, we have to do Valentine's cards and then deliver them,

0:20:060:20:09

but we're not allowed to sign them.

0:20:090:20:11

I think these traditions, you know, are important.

0:20:110:20:14

Completely innocent. But I think it teaches the children

0:20:140:20:18

fundamental social skills for later in life.

0:20:180:20:21

Right. So, Ross, who's your card for?

0:20:210:20:24

I'm not saying!

0:20:240:20:25

Although, you might notice I'm using the red ink

0:20:260:20:29

on my four-coloured biro.

0:20:290:20:30

So, it's for someone special.

0:20:300:20:32

Next day, and there's a surprise in the post for everyone.

0:20:350:20:38

-Congratulations, Ross.

-Oh, thanks.

0:20:380:20:41

It's a bit of a surprise, really.

0:20:410:20:43

I see you've got a card there, too, Valerie.

0:20:430:20:45

Oh, yes, yes. I'm not normally one to be giving over to the silliness,

0:20:450:20:50

you know, but it's nice to know I have an admirer.

0:20:500:20:54

Any idea who it might be?

0:20:540:20:55

Um, well...

0:20:550:20:58

I could imagine one of the latest additions to the island.

0:20:580:21:02

Who?

0:21:020:21:03

What?

0:21:090:21:10

No, it's nothing. Just, as documentary makers,

0:21:100:21:13

we're here to observe and not to interact.

0:21:130:21:15

Obviously, we're not allowed to do anything

0:21:150:21:18

that affects your way of life here.

0:21:180:21:19

That's not true! Richard the soundman borrowed my bike ages ago

0:21:190:21:23

and he hasn't given it back! ..Where is it, Richard?

0:21:230:21:26

Ross, he can't answer you. He's just an observer.

0:21:260:21:28

He's been observing my bike for three weeks!

0:21:280:21:31

If it wasn't you...?

0:21:330:21:34

Oh, my goodness. Um...

0:21:370:21:39

-Home time! Home time!

-But it's only half nine, Miss.

0:21:390:21:42

Well, you've worked very hard today, so, um...

0:21:420:21:45

Perhaps you could lock up?

0:21:450:21:47

So, are you sure it was Ross?

0:21:510:21:54

I'm afraid it's one of the risks of being a rather charismatic teacher.

0:21:540:21:58

Embarrassing though it is, I am trained to deal with this.

0:21:580:22:02

And I will be managing the situation very sensitively.

0:22:020:22:07

Oh, Ross, I can't bear this any more.

0:22:230:22:26

-We need to talk about this card.

-Do we have to, Miss?

0:22:260:22:29

Yes! It's just not right that you're sending me Valentine's cards.

0:22:290:22:33

I did not!

0:22:330:22:34

I sent my card to Abi!

0:22:340:22:36

-Who's Abi?

-My nurse! I met her when I went to the mainland

0:22:360:22:40

to have my appendix out. I did not send you a card. You sent me one!

0:22:400:22:44

I did not! Your mother asked me to put that on your desk!

0:22:440:22:48

Oh! Oh, right! That's a relief.

0:22:480:22:52

Good gracious, Ross! As if I would!

0:22:520:22:55

That still doesn't solve the mystery of who sent YOUR card, Valerie.

0:22:550:22:59

Eh, I found these on the headland, Valerie. I thought you might, um...

0:23:050:23:12

..you might make use of them.

0:23:140:23:15

Oh?

0:23:150:23:17

Oh, thank you, Archie.

0:23:170:23:18

Oh, they smell of the sea!

0:23:180:23:21

They're plastic.

0:23:210:23:23

Oh, yes!

0:23:230:23:24

Shall I go home early, Miss, and leave you two alone?

0:23:250:23:28

No, stay exactly where you are.

0:23:280:23:30

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:23:420:23:44

Oi! You!

0:23:440:23:46

No stepping on the cracks!

0:23:520:23:53

Right! Nobody's going anywhere until somebody tells me

0:24:040:24:09

exactly who did this.

0:24:090:24:11

-Richard. Do you know?

-No, Miss!

0:24:130:24:16

-What about you, Tammy?

-No idea, Miss.

0:24:160:24:19

Tammy lied! For she knew exactly who had done the deed.

0:24:190:24:25

-She'd seen the whole thing.

-No, I didn't!

0:24:250:24:29

-Tammy?

-Really...I didn't!

0:24:290:24:31

Tammy knew that revealing the culprit would be social suicide.

0:24:310:24:36

The boy who had done it was the most popular guy in the school.

0:24:360:24:40

Which is why she would never snitch on...Richard.

0:24:400:24:44

Right! Richard, outside.

0:24:440:24:47

I'm taking you straight to the head.

0:24:470:24:49

Thanks a lot, Tammy(!)

0:24:490:24:52

Tammy had blown it. Again!

0:24:520:24:55

Hello!

0:25:010:25:02

Hello.

0:25:020:25:04

I've come to break the world record for pogo jumping.

0:25:050:25:07

Yes. I thought you might.

0:25:070:25:10

Ah, Patterson. I need to know the world record for pogo jumping.

0:25:120:25:16

No... No, pogo, Patterson.

0:25:160:25:18

Thank you.

0:25:180:25:20

The world record stands at 12 hours and 27 minutes.

0:25:210:25:25

Easy! I've been training for this since I was a little boy.

0:25:250:25:28

Pogo jumping is my life!

0:25:280:25:30

Let me just get ready.

0:25:300:25:32

I'm just warming up. It's very important.

0:25:400:25:42

Otherwise I could give myself a very nasty injury.

0:25:420:25:47

OK, I'm ready.

0:25:470:25:48

On your marks, get set, go.

0:25:500:25:53

Oh, sorry. I'll do that again.

0:25:540:25:57

Right. No, this is the one.

0:25:590:26:01

Argh!

0:26:020:26:04

Argh... How long did I do?

0:26:050:26:08

Three seconds.

0:26:080:26:09

Oh, so close!

0:26:090:26:11

Oh, yes. That would be wonderful. What sort of...?

0:26:130:26:16

PHONE DIES

0:26:160:26:18

Oh. Oh, no battery.

0:26:180:26:21

Oh. Um...

0:26:210:26:23

Ah! A telephone box! Great!

0:26:230:26:27

-Can I help you?

-Yes. I'm afraid you have some toilet paper on your shoe.

0:26:430:26:47

-Do I?

-Yes. There.

0:26:470:26:49

Oh, no, how embarrassing.

0:26:490:26:51

Oh, it's not too bad. I'll tell you an embarrassing moment.

0:26:510:26:54

The other day, I was on a canal boat...

0:26:540:26:56

Oh, no. I can hear it. Can you hear it?

0:26:560:26:59

No. RUMBLING

0:26:590:27:01

Oh, no!

0:27:010:27:03

-Uh...

-Toilet tissue on my shoe...

0:27:030:27:05

-It's nothing, it's nothing.

-Lavatory room. Oh...

0:27:050:27:10

Oh, no!

0:27:100:27:12

Oh! Oh, eh, I'll just leave you to it.

0:27:150:27:18

You gonna be long?

0:27:230:27:25

Um...

0:27:250:27:27

I may be a little while.

0:27:270:27:29

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0:27:350:27:38

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0:27:380:27:41

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