Episode 6 Sorry I've Got No Head

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BELL RINGS

Oh, it's you again.

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hi!

HE BURPS

What do you want this time?

-Any old jobs needing round the house?

-No, there's nothing.

Come on! We're here to help!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Dib, dib, dob, dob, dib, dib, dob, dob...

No, really. I'm fine!

All right, fellas, let's get started.

-Stop! What are...?

-Would you like a cup of tea?

-Wait! No, you...

-Milk?

-I...

-Hold on!

-Sugar?

-Now, listen...

-Custard tart?

-Oh!

Mmm, lovely!

Right, job done. Let's move out!

Dib, dib, dob, dob, dib, dib, dob, dob...

-Cheerio!

-But...

-Ho, ho, ho! What a marvellous spread.

-Yes, it is rather good, isn't it?

-I don't believe we've met. I'm Roger.

-Father Christmas. Oh, donuts.

-Lovely.

-It's a nice costume. Are you wearing that for a kid's party?

No, I'm the actual real Father Christmas.

-Oh, mini Kievs!

-You're not the real Father Christmas, though, are you?

-I've definitely seen you at a buffet before.

-That's unlikely.

-Tell me, do you like gala pie?

-I'm not that keen...

-Would you do me a slice?

-Mm-hm.

Not that one. Not that one. Not that one.

That one. Thanking you.

That potato salad looks very Christmassy, don't you think?

I'll take some of that for Donner. Kebabs. Delicious.

If you're Father Christmas, what are you doing taking food off a buffet?

Oh-ho! This food's not for me, no.

This is for the kiddies.

Ho, mini sausages!

-Children don't want mini sausages for Christmas.

-They do!

No! They want toy cars and computer games and dolls with realistic hair.

Listen, in my experience as the real Father Christmas,

most children wake up Christmas morning and the thing they dream of

most of all is an entire gala pie and a bowl of olives.

-You're not Father Christmas!

-I may not be the real Father Christmas,

but this is real salami and I'm having it.

Now, if you don't mind, I shall go out to my sleigh,

where I will distribute this delicious lemon drizzle cake

slice by slice to all the good children. Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

-It's July.

-What, you're saying this lot won't keep?

Better have it now. Rudolf! Open the pickles!

I did it! I completed level ten!

That's wonderful news. How fabulous.

I had to collect 7,000 apples, it took five days, but I did it!

Now the level ten trophy is mine!

That's brilliant. Let's make some room on the trophy shelf.

Right. Let's move the Moon of Ephandor,

the jewel-encrusted crystal orb I received for completing level five.

And let me just move

my International Champion of the Mountains trophy.

So what did you win?

Yes! 7,000 apples - it must be pretty impressive.

-It wasn't another apple, was it?

-THEY LAUGH

No, of course not!

It's a pear.

Oh, um...

-Oh, well that's...nice.

-Yes. Congrat... Congratulations.

Uh, very impressive.

You know, recently I've found it quite hard to get motivated,

but seeing that there makes it all seems really worthwhile.

Wo-ho!

Level 12 is toast! Check it out!

Ha-ha! Mission accomplished!

High five!

Anyone?

These are so hot right now. Everyone at school is doing them.

I did them first, of course. But they are way hot.

-Yeah, they're so hot.

-They're so hot.

-They're so hot.

-Do you want to know what's hot?

-What?

-What?

-What?

-What?

The Beast of Bodmin. Hot.

-Oh, yeah, it's so hot.

-Hot. Hot.

-Yeah, really hot.

-You want to know what's not hot?

-No, what?

-What?

-What?

The letter K.

-The letter K, no.

-So not hot.

-Not hot.

SHE SNORTS

I, like, got everyone some ice cream.

-Oh, wow!

-Like, help yourselves.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

OK. Thank you. Gosh, ice cream is so hot right now.

Come on!

Amy?!

I've led a noble life!

Oh! Oh, you are so not hot right now!

ALL: You are so not hot!

-So not hot!

-She's so not hot!

-We are hot.

Someone fix this, I can't do it.

Hiya! Harry Bold's here.

Boldly adventuring where so few have adventured before.

Today I'm going mountain biking!

Wow! Scary, innit? I know. But don't worry about me.

I'll be fine. I went to a shop,

and this bloke sold me all the kit I could possibly need.

Plus, I'm not doing this alone. Oh, no.

I'm joined by my friend, Terry Brave. He's sharing the danger.

All right.

OK, let's talk kit.

It's just like the ones they use at the Olympics,

only completely different.

It's made of a very special metal that's been invented by science,

called Bikeum, and even though it might look like an old lady's bike,

it's definitely not. As the bloke in the shop said,

"You wouldn't pay £2,000 for an old lady's bike."

And I did pay £2,000 for this. So it can't be. Can it?

What about you, Terry? What have you got?

I've got a bike.

How many gears?

Dunno.

Right.

OK. Other kit.

Shin pads. Knee pads. Thigh pads. Arm pads. Hand pads. Elbow pads.

Shoulder pads. Chin pads. Nose pads. And ear muffs.

I've got mittens.

Special mittens?

Well, they're on a bit of elastic so I can't lose 'em,

so, yeah, pretty special.

Cos I'm going mountain biking, I've got a mountain.

A bloke in the shop sold it to me, but it was too big

to get in the boot of my car, so I left it in my garden at home.

The neighbours aren't too happy, but still.

What else have you got, Terry?

-Uh, I've got this woolly hat.

-Is that it?

And, um, me mam made me some sandwiches for later.

Right. And is that in a carbon reinforced, Kevlar-based,

anti-ballistic, food safety containment device?

No, they're just wrapped in foil.

Right.

Between you and me, I think Terry's in some serious danger.

What's that?

Uh, nothing. Come on, let's go mountain biking!

No. That's not for me.

I quite liked it.

Brave Vikings, I have seen the future,

and it is clear.

You mean you've been given the power of foresight, oh, Chief?

Oh... I mean, it is clear.

It is see-through. It is glass.

Glass?

Yes! No longer do we need to drink from the skulls of our enemies

or peer through windows made of mud. No.

From now on, we shall make, use and sell glass.

ALL: Ooh!

-But I like drinking from the skulls of my enemies!

-Ssh!

-They give Zolaf the willies!

-They do.

So, to set the ball rolling, I have turned our Viking council chamber

into a glassware hut.

ALL: Ooh!

-This glass is incredible!

-Aye! Some freshly picked wild flowers

will look beautiful in that crystal vase.

-Is there anything else you can do with glass, oh, Chief?

-Why, yes!

You can fashion a thing called a looking glass.

HE SCREAMS

-Viking!

-Viking!

THEY ALL SCREAM

Oh, do not be scared. It's just your reflections!

HE SCREAMS

Viking!

Perhaps, on second thoughts, we should get rid of all this glassware

and go back to drinking out of skulls.

HE SCREAMS

THEY ALL SCREAM

RINGTONE: "I'm On Fire"

-Hello?

-'Is that Mr Witchfinder General, sir?'

Speaking.

-'Good morning, sir. How are you today?'

-Fine. Sorry, what is this?

'Well, Mr General, this is just a brief courtesy call

'from your mobile phone service provider.'

-Oh. Right. It's just that, um...

-'Did you know that by

'switching your contract, you'll be able to save up to £20 a year?'

No, I didn't know that. It's just that I'm in the middle of...

'..we'll be able to offer you a free upgrade.'

-Could you call back later?

-'It won't take a minute.'

-Right. I don't really...

-'I see that, on average,

'you send 30 texts a month and you use, on average,

'130 minutes of talk time.'

-I...

-'I'd like to upgrade to our Business Talk Time package.

'We offer discount for your most popular numbers...'

Witch! He's a witch!

-'Sorry? Witch?

-Witch! Witch! Witch!

-'No, get off me! Argh!

-Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!'

HE SIGHS

It's burnt now.

-What's the matter?

-It's the clearing.

-The council are planning on selling it for building land.

-No way!

Sorry, sorry.

Where will we do our deer stuff?

Hey, it's not so bad.

Deer Club's not a place. It's an idea.

It's a set of principles.

We can be deer anywhere!

Ah! They were supposed to have removed these before we got here.

It's just not the same.

Argh!

-What do we want?

-The clearing!

-When do we want it?

-Tuesdays and Saturdays!

-What do we want?

-The clearing!

-When do we want it?

-Tuesdays and Saturdays.

-What do we want?

-The clearing!

-When do we want it?

-It's the man from the council.

What on earth are you people doing?

We're protesting. We're trying to save this clearing. For Deer Club.

-Deer Club?

-Yes. You know, we hang out and do deer stuff.

Moving quietly and swiftly across the ground.

-Eating small portions of fruit.

-There's a club? For that?

We meet here every Tuesday and Saturday. Al least, we did.

Sounds brilliant! Can anyone join?

Not that easy. It's a very difficult selection process.

Antlers! No, we're always looking for new members.

All right, lads, you can go home.

This clearing is safe.

Look at him. He's getting it all wrong.

And that jacket! I told him, autumn tones!

He's the worst Deer Club member we've ever had.

-Do you want to go back to the Leisure Centre?

-No, but look - watermelon?

When have you ever seen a deer eat watermelon ever?

-It's like he's not even trying!

-Steven! Just smile and wave.

Yes, it's vertical, not horizontal, you idiot!

Dad, I've had enough. Why is he still here?

Well, you see, Danny, he's a guest in our house.

He's been here since before I was born!

Why doesn't he go back to France?

It might be useful for you to have an exchange student,

help you with French.

I don't even do French!

Well, it's nice to have a multicultural...

Look what he did to my Dalek!

Right. Right, I'll sort this out.

LOUD FRENCH MUSIC

HE TURNS THE MUSIC DOWN

-Ah. Philippe. There you are.

-Salut!

Now, I...I don't want to crack the whip, here, but...

Danny's rather upset about his Dalek.

Peter, je ne comprends pas.

You...you see, you've painted a tricolore flag on the Dalek.

-Oui. Liberte, egalite...

-IMPERSONATES DALEK:

-..fraternite!

I don't think it's fair that Danny should have to foot the bill...

Foot...bull?

-Foot the bill?

-Foot...?

-Yes, foot!

-Foot? Foot!

Formidable! J'adore le foot! Je m'appelle Zinedine Zidane.

He shoot! He score!

HE LAUGHS

Well?

Eh... A bit of a problem with the language, there.

I think I've agreed to play football with him.

HE SIGHS

On y va.

HE SINGS IN FRENCH

Ah! That's lovely, Steven. Keep up the good work.

Really nice chopping.

Oh, now watch those scallops don't burn, Ian.

Otherwise, very good work. Lovely.

Hello.

Hi.

And what are you making?

Uh, spicy lentil soup,

followed by sizzling chicken wings in a hot chilli sauce

and finishing off with a banana flambe.

Oh, and ten rounds of toast on the side.

Aren't you worried that's all a bit...?

Oh, no. No, I can do it. I like a challenge.

No, I meant, wouldn't it be better to try to cook something...

colder, like a nice lemon sorbet or a lettuce and carrot...?

What?

No. I didn't mean carrot. I meant...

tomato.

-Right. Yeah, I see what you're saying.

-What?

You think that I can't cook.

No, no. It's just...

You think that cos I'm made out of snow, I'm a second-class citizen.

Well, that kind of thing just hurts my feelings.

I've got a heart, you know?

Oh, yeah. I haven't got a heart, obviously, but I've got...a hat.

Now, if you don't mind...

Oh, the pan's hot!

Ah...

Maybe I'll serve the soup cold...

I'll be in the freezer if you need me.

All the tests have come back,

and I'm afraid you've got percussionist's buttock.

HE PLAYS A RHYTHM

It's more pronounced on the other side.

COMPLEX JAZZ RHYTHM

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no, what's this, Tony?

Well, you're always complaining about the old telly, so...

I bought a new one from the flea market.

Oh! From who?

A wasp.

But don't worry, I didn't get stung!

Anyway, this is state of the art.

-Brand new from the factory.

-Why's it covered in cobwebs?

I dunno. Factory was run by a spider, probably.

Why didn't you get them to deliver?

And pay extra?

I am a dung beetle.

I'm used to shifting fives times me own weight across the desert plains.

A telly isn't dung!

This one is.

You shut your mouth! I dunno why I bother, anyway.

There's never anything on.

-On telly?

-Yeah. Load of old rubbish.

Just pop music and reality shows. What's wrong with a good book?

When's the last time YOU read a book?

It hasn't got an antenna. How are we gonna get a signal?

Make yourself useful, son.

Left a bit...left a bit.

No, MY left!

That's it. Up...down...

Oh, look! There's a programme starting.

'..part of the outback's fragile eco system...'

Told you.

Just boring old reality shows.

That kid's from my school.

Argh!

So, the prince kissed Sleeping Beauty, who awoke,

and they fell in love and lived happily ever after.

-That's nothing, mate.

-What?

All that sleeping for 100 years nonsense. It's rubbish.

Mind you, I was up Southampton way one time,

doing this boiler installation, yeah?

Ringing on a bloke's doorbell - no answer.

Fallen fast asleep. Spark out.

So I climbed up next door's drainpipe with a boiler on me back.

Onto the roof, jump onto the next building,

abseil down through the kitchen window, start the installation.

Turns out, the bloke who's house it is, it's only that Daniel Craig's!

James Bond, see? He's woken up when he's heard me on the drainpipe,

he's seen me swinging through the windows and that. He says,

I would make a brilliant stunt man.

Would I like to do all his stunts on the new James Bond film?

Starts shooting in Prague next month.

I thought about it for a while, you know? But...

I don't care for Eastern European food, so I said no, ta.

It's all pickled veg and sausage. Makes me guff.

What are you talking about?

Still, I charged him double time on the boiler installation. Quids in.

Boiler? A van? Where do you get this from, you're nine!

Anyway, look, gotta get me head down.

I've got a 100-mile round trip tomorrow to pick up a generator.

-Night.

-But...

This is the remote Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.

And this is Valerie Carpenter,

head and only teacher at the school which has only one pupil.

It's the day before Valentine's Day on North Barrasay,

and love is in the air.

Ross, can you tell us what you're doing?

Um, we have to do Valentine's cards and then deliver them,

but we're not allowed to sign them.

I think these traditions, you know, are important.

Completely innocent. But I think it teaches the children

fundamental social skills for later in life.

Right. So, Ross, who's your card for?

I'm not saying!

Although, you might notice I'm using the red ink

on my four-coloured biro.

So, it's for someone special.

Next day, and there's a surprise in the post for everyone.

-Congratulations, Ross.

-Oh, thanks.

It's a bit of a surprise, really.

I see you've got a card there, too, Valerie.

Oh, yes, yes. I'm not normally one to be giving over to the silliness,

you know, but it's nice to know I have an admirer.

Any idea who it might be?

Um, well...

I could imagine one of the latest additions to the island.

Who?

What?

No, it's nothing. Just, as documentary makers,

we're here to observe and not to interact.

Obviously, we're not allowed to do anything

that affects your way of life here.

That's not true! Richard the soundman borrowed my bike ages ago

and he hasn't given it back! ..Where is it, Richard?

Ross, he can't answer you. He's just an observer.

He's been observing my bike for three weeks!

If it wasn't you...?

Oh, my goodness. Um...

-Home time! Home time!

-But it's only half nine, Miss.

Well, you've worked very hard today, so, um...

Perhaps you could lock up?

So, are you sure it was Ross?

I'm afraid it's one of the risks of being a rather charismatic teacher.

Embarrassing though it is, I am trained to deal with this.

And I will be managing the situation very sensitively.

Oh, Ross, I can't bear this any more.

-We need to talk about this card.

-Do we have to, Miss?

Yes! It's just not right that you're sending me Valentine's cards.

I did not!

I sent my card to Abi!

-Who's Abi?

-My nurse! I met her when I went to the mainland

to have my appendix out. I did not send you a card. You sent me one!

I did not! Your mother asked me to put that on your desk!

Oh! Oh, right! That's a relief.

Good gracious, Ross! As if I would!

That still doesn't solve the mystery of who sent YOUR card, Valerie.

Eh, I found these on the headland, Valerie. I thought you might, um...

..you might make use of them.

Oh?

Oh, thank you, Archie.

Oh, they smell of the sea!

They're plastic.

Oh, yes!

Shall I go home early, Miss, and leave you two alone?

No, stay exactly where you are.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oi! You!

No stepping on the cracks!

Right! Nobody's going anywhere until somebody tells me

exactly who did this.

-Richard. Do you know?

-No, Miss!

-What about you, Tammy?

-No idea, Miss.

Tammy lied! For she knew exactly who had done the deed.

-She'd seen the whole thing.

-No, I didn't!

-Tammy?

-Really...I didn't!

Tammy knew that revealing the culprit would be social suicide.

The boy who had done it was the most popular guy in the school.

Which is why she would never snitch on...Richard.

Right! Richard, outside.

I'm taking you straight to the head.

Thanks a lot, Tammy(!)

Tammy had blown it. Again!

Hello!

Hello.

I've come to break the world record for pogo jumping.

Yes. I thought you might.

Ah, Patterson. I need to know the world record for pogo jumping.

No... No, pogo, Patterson.

Thank you.

The world record stands at 12 hours and 27 minutes.

Easy! I've been training for this since I was a little boy.

Pogo jumping is my life!

Let me just get ready.

I'm just warming up. It's very important.

Otherwise I could give myself a very nasty injury.

OK, I'm ready.

On your marks, get set, go.

Oh, sorry. I'll do that again.

Right. No, this is the one.

Argh!

Argh... How long did I do?

Three seconds.

Oh, so close!

Oh, yes. That would be wonderful. What sort of...?

PHONE DIES

Oh. Oh, no battery.

Oh. Um...

Ah! A telephone box! Great!

-Can I help you?

-Yes. I'm afraid you have some toilet paper on your shoe.

-Do I?

-Yes. There.

Oh, no, how embarrassing.

Oh, it's not too bad. I'll tell you an embarrassing moment.

The other day, I was on a canal boat...

Oh, no. I can hear it. Can you hear it?

No. RUMBLING

Oh, no!

-Uh...

-Toilet tissue on my shoe...

-It's nothing, it's nothing.

-Lavatory room. Oh...

Oh, no!

Oh! Oh, eh, I'll just leave you to it.

You gonna be long?

Um...

I may be a little while.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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