Episode 1 Sorry I've Got No Head


Episode 1

Children's comedy sketch show. Including Colin and Malcolm, the flight attendants who can't stop eating from the trolley, and Tony, who lives down the back of a sofa.


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Transcript


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-Right, I'll put the kettle on.

-Oh!

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Did you put that mousetrap down like I asked?

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Yeah, I put one in the dining room last night.

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And you're sure it's a mousetrap you put down?

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Of course! What other sorts of traps are there?

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Wow, a wizard. Oh, no, I must have bought the wrong box by mistake!

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WIZARD GROANS Take it back and get the right one.

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-It's not difficult!

-Well, what am I going to do with him?

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Put him out the back door. He'll find his own way home.

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So, can you do real magic?

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This is extremely inconvenient! Porkus promaskis!

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Ohh!

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Oh, terrific!

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HE SNORTS

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If you can magic this, why couldn't you magic yourself out of the trap?

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Fair point.

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Footus begelae!

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Excellent! Well, good day. I'll see myself out.

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Wait! Wait! What about this?

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I've got to go to work in a minute! Ohh!

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MOUSE LAUGHS

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What? Oh, no!

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-Oh, no!

-You all right, love?

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My car. My car was here and it's been stolen. My dog was inside it.

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-OK, keep calm. Don't worry.

-Oh, no! My dog!

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Officer.

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-What seems to be the problem?

-Well, my car was there

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and it's been stolen and my dog was inside it.

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-Not a very good guard dog then, eh?

-Please can you help me find him?

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-Let me take a description.

-OK, he's quite big.

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He's white with black spots. He's a Dalmatian cross and...

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Oh!

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Oh, that's him. Erm... I'm really sorry for wasting police time.

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You are a bad dog! A very bad dog, going off like that.

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-I just thought it would be nice to pick you up.

-Sorry?

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Woof. Er, definitely woof.

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I'm just... Oh, look at this.

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They're all broken! All of our axes and swords, they've just worn out.

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-Chief!

-Yes?

-I've actually been working on a new kind of weapon.

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It's based on an idea from a long time ago,

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-somewhere far, far away.

-Oh. Oh, right.

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I haven't tried them out yet, but have a go and see what you think.

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-CHIEF LAUGHS

-I'm sorry, Eric, is this a joke?

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-This wouldn't even scare Sven.

-HE SCREAMS

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-Well, all right. You take my point.

-No, you have to switch them on.

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You hold them out in front of you like this and then push the button.

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THEY SCREAM

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Turn them off! Oh!

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-Oh! I mean, they're very impressive, Eric, but they're terrifying!

-Yes.

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But if everyone can learn to use them without screaming,

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we could take over the world with such terrifying weaponry!

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Do you think you could try it again without screaming?

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-Yes.

-Of course, consider it done. Yes.

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OK, then. Hold them out and press the button.

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THEY SCREAM

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Stop it, stop it! Oh!

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I'm sorry, Eric. They're making everyone too panicky.

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And a panicky Viking is like a dog with its bum on fire. It is awful.

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We could always use them to scare Sven.

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HE SCREAMS

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-CHIEF LAUGHS

-That is fun.

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-Wow, Pete, that was delish.

-That was superb. Thank, Pete.

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No problemo! Hope you've got enough room for pudding!

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It's an old traditional family recipe.

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-There's always room for pudding, Pete.

-Absolutely.

-I'll go get it.

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So, Clive, how do you know Pete?

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-We're flatmates. I'm renting a room off him.

-Oh, right. What do you do?

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-I'm a clown.

-Oh.

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There we are. Individually baked custard pies.

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-Pete, those look fab.

-Yeah?

-They must have taken you an age to make.

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Oh, I forgot the sauce.

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CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

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CROWD OOH AND AHH

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS, MONKEY SCREECHES

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Here's the special...

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Clive! How could you?

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I'm sorry, I'm...so, so sorry.

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HORN BEEPS

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-What's that?

-No, it's... It's not helping!

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CHANNELS CHANGE RAPIDLY

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Mum! Have you seen the remote control?

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It's probably fallen down the back of the sofa!

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Wahhh!

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Hello?

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-Hello?

-Oh!

-Agh!

-It's mine!

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It's... It's all mine!

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What are you doing here?

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Erm, I'm just looking for my remote control. Can I have it back, please?

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It's my phone but it doesn't work!

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I can't order a pizza.

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Hello. I'd like to speak to Brian, please.

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Erm, I'm afraid Brian's not available.

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Oh, he's always out, isn't he? What's he doing?

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He's had to go to singing lessons.

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Oh, don't tell me he goes singing!

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I heard him in the shower! He was awful!

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See, it's broken! I can't order pizza!

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What are you talking about? Just give me back the remote. Please?

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It's mine! Maybe we should play a game.

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Tony asks you a question

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and if nasty boy gets question right,

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he gets stupid broken phone. Yeah?

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Whatever, just get on with it. My programme's starting.

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I'll just think of a question. Erm...

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What about the one with the dog and the nappies?

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That one's not a very good question. All right, I've got a question.

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What...is...

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..my...name?

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Very good question. Oh, thanks, Tony.

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-Is it Tony?

-Ahh! How did you get that? That's impossible!

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Just have your stupid... Ohh! It's mine! It's mine!

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Why did you ask that question? You thought of the question.

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No, I didn't! It's time you took responsibility for your questions.

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-Are you all right, Bern?

-Yep, found it.

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You haven't seen my phone, have you? I thought I left it on the sofa.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Tony take it. Ha-ha!

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Good goal, Danny! You bent it like Beckham!

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HE LAUGHS

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Right, it's my turn to go!

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Aw, thanks, Danny! You really are my bestest friend in the whole world!

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And it is the England captain, Eddie Big, to take the final penalty

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for the World Cup final! The crowd roars.

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But... Er! The ball's soft, I think it's got a puncture.

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-Yeah, I noticed that.

-I can't have my bestest pal in the whole world

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playing with a flat football!

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I tell you what! I'll get my extra-special ball from my bag!

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No, no, Eddie, Eddie, no, it's fine, we'll just play with that one.

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Danny! I'm offering you the chance to play with the best football ever!

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I've never let anyone else play with it but I'm letting you play with it

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because you're my bestest, bestest friend!

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HE SOBS

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-I'm just trying to be nice!

-OK, Eddie, it's fine.

-OK!

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And it's Eddie Big to win the game.

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Eddie! No! Stop that!

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-Stop it!

-HE SCREAMS

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You see, Danny?

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I'm Eddie Big!

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If you want my advice, don't believe anyone who tells you

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that custard's a perfect replacement for hair.

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It won't dry, you idiot! It's custard!

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"Ladies and gentlemen, if you require refreshments,

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-"the trolley is passing through the plane."

-Drinks or snacks?

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Anything from the trolley for yourself?

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-Out of the way, please.

-Make room for the trolley.

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-Malcolm.

-Excuse me, sir! What do you think you're doing?

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-Pardon?

-Leaving your bag in the aisle like that.

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-How are we supposed to get the trolley through?

-Sorry, I'll move it.

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That's better! Honestly. How are we supposed to get this trolley through?

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There must be a clear passage for the trolley.

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-Excuse me.

-Yeah, what is it?

-You're holding up the trolley.

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I'd like a sandwich, please.

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-What fillings have you got?

-Erm... Well, I'm not sure.

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-What would you say that is, Colin?

-Egg?

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Smells like egg. What do you think?

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-CHOMPING

-Egg. Definitely.

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-No, no, hang on, I'm not convinced.

-Oh, yeah, there is something else.

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BOTH: Cress.

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-So, we've got egg and cress.

-Anything else?

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-Chicken mayo.

-Cheesy tomato.

-Ooh!

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-Crayfish and rocket!

-We'll split those.

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-That's ham and mustard, isn't it?

-Always best to check, dear.

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-HE BELCHES All right?

-That mustard is very tart.

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Erm, I'll have cheese and tomato, please.

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Oh! I'm afraid we are completely out of sandwiches.

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All right, I'll just have a packet of chocolate buttons.

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No, they're all gone, too.

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-HE BREAKS WIND

-What's that noise?

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-HE BREAKS WIND Colin, are you all right?

-No.

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-I'm afraid the bad thing's happening again, Malcolm.

-Come on, hop on.

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Ladies and gentlemen, the trolley's closed due to expected turbulence.

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Clear the aisle! Trolley coming through!

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RUMBLING

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I've been finding it hard to move recently

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and I've been feeling really lethargic.

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Yes, I see the problem. You've been clamped.

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-Oh, no! How did I get that?

-Have you been into town today?

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Er, I was waiting for my girlfriend by a bus stop.

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-How long for?

-Don't know.

-Over 20 minutes?

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-Yeah, I suppose.

-Can you just open your shirt, please?

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-Ahh!

-Oh, yeah, it's a parking violation.

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It's a shame you didn't get to me sooner.

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I'm going to have to call in a specialist.

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David, could you send in Dr Richards, please?

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THUNDER BOOMS

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Hello? Hello?

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I got a flyer for the museum. Well, it was stapled to my wife

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and she's wasn't very happy. Thought I'd better see what's going on.

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Hello? Hello?

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An advertisement stapled to your wife, indeed! How lucky.

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How lucky you are. How lucky she is. For it means you have won a prize.

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A prize, would you believe? Hip-hip-haroof!

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-Who's this idiot?

-Oh! We have been rumbled! Rumbled, I tell you.

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Blast and damnation!

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-You have eagle eyes, Mr... Mr...

-Er, Frank, Frank Cooper.

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-THUNDER BOOMS

-A viscount!

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In our own museum! We are honoured!

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Well, Viscount Previn, you have eagle eyes indeed,

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for this is not Mr Faraway. This is his stunt double.

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-Uh!

-Oh! Excellent falling, not Mr Faraway.

-Thank you, Mr Elevenses.

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-Right then, what about this prize?

-All in good time.

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-Have a look at the exhibits while you are here.

-You'll love it!

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Oh, such bravery, not Mr Faraway!

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-Viscount, step this way.

-Erm, I'm not actually a viscount,

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-I'm just called Frank.

-Ooh!

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Does anyone need me to leap out of a window?

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Not I, Mr Faraway's stunt double,

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but I should inform you as soon as the opportunity arises.

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Terribly good of you!

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-Now then, the exhibit.

-Ooh! Think I twanged my knee on that one.

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-Actually, I think I might be getting back.

-Back to seeing the exhibits

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-at the...

-BOTH: Museum of the Imagination!

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Under this cloth lie the winged sandals of Hermes.

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Winged sandals that allowed her mind to fly!

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-Well, come on, then, let's see them.

-Of course you may.

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BOTH: In your imagination!

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-HE SIGHS

-Brilliant. Can I go now?

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Is that not the most amazing thing you have ever seen...

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BOTH: In your imagination?

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I really think I will go cos the football's on in ten minutes.

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A sporting man! Then perhaps you would like to see the very football

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that won the 1966 World Cup.

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What, really? You've got that? The actual ball?

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The actual ball!

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Fake punch there. Little trick of the trade.

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Yes, viscount, under this lies that famous sphere.

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-Shall I jump out of the window now?

-Not yet, Mr Faraway.

-Can I see it?

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Well, of course you may! BOTH: In your imagination!

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Right. I really have had enough of this. Where's my prize?

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Oh, well, of course you shall have it.

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BOTH: In your imagination!

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Well, what a terribly rude viscount!

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Didn't he want to see the ghost of Julius Caesar?

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-Should I come out-a now?

-Not now, ghost of Julius Caesar.

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Oh.

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Probably just as well. Wahh!

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'Sticky Martin. He's got the stickiest hands in the world!'

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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TRAIN CHUGS

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TRAIN CLATTERS

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TRAIN CLATTERS

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-Oh, he'll know!

-Yes, arks him.

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You, little man! I'm going to arks you a ting.

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Now, do you know who won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1968?

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We've argued about it since we left the shop that sells haircuts!

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-I'm pretty sure it's N-Dubz!

-I think it was Queen Victoria.

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-I don't think it's either.

-What?

-You're both wrong.

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-One of us must be right!

-We can't both be wrong!

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-That doesn't make any sense!

-Are you very, very stupid?

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I don't know much about songs, I'm a florist.

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-Fluorescent? You glow in the dark?

-You're a flautist! You play flute!

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-No, I'm a florist.

-Florence?

-Oh, and her machines!

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THEY SING DIFFERENT SONGS

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No, no, ladies, I'm a florist. I sell flowers.

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Oh! Then I'll have a kilo of self-raising, thank you.

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-She's been baking furiously.

-Dr Conway is addicted to my scones!

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-I don't know what she puts in them.

-Special milk.

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No, I don't sell flour for cooking, I sell flowers.

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Roses, lilies, crysanths, tulips. Look around you.

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-All right, Pootle from The Flumps, no need to shout!

-No shouting!

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I could do with some flowers to put in my buttonhole.

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Dr Conway is coming round later and I'm hoping I can turn his stomach

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-with a giddy bouquet.

-I've got just the thing. Lovely roses.

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I'll never get all of those in my top hole!

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-I'll look like a giddy clown!

-No, I sell them singly.

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-One, two, a dozen, as many as you want.

-Whoa!

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You steady on there, Justin Bieber.

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-Sell?

-For money?

-Hard golden coinage!

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You silver-tongued money spider, luring us in

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like fickle fiscal flies into your sticky web!

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-Buzzy, buzzy, buzzy!

-Agh! Nothing's free these days!

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Apart from the lifejackets on aeroplanes.

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-They don't like you smuggling them off the plane in your stomach!

-No!

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-I had four. They're filling once you pull the toggle!

-Woof!

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-She got a telling off from a stewardess.

-She looked like a man.

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-You will pay a pretty penny for these.

-Oh, yes.

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-And the petals won't come cheap.

-No, the thorns will be extra.

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-Double for the stench!

-I shouldn't think you'll get much change

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-out of £1,000 when all's said and done.

-£1,000?

-About £1,000.

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£1,000? It's too much!

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-Ladies, please. Each rose just costs £1.50.

-£1,000 is absurd!

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It's too much, £1,000 just for one of your roses in my buttonhole!

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Yes! We shall buy a Rolls Royce, we shall drive to Holland

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and there we shall choose a rose from their tulip fields!

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Do you know, young man, it's my hope that you develop hay fever

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-and sneeze yourself through the back wall!

-Good day! Ooh, flowers for me?

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You should've said! You're in here!

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You've got a chance! Keep bashing away!

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Hello. Now, if you're anything like me,

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you will probably enjoy your foods from all over the different worlds.

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So today I thought I'd mix it up in the kitchen

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and attempt a fiery little curry from Northern India, mm.

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Well, that smells absolutely delicious, I can tell you.

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Needs a bit more spice so we'll just add a little bit of curry powder.

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There we go.

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Again, it's not quite got that kick that I'm after

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so I might just pop in a little bit more chilli.

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We're getting there. Now, what I'm going to add to that, actually,

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is a very secret ingredient of mine,

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blueberries. SHE BREAKS WIND

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SHE BREAKS WIND Beg your pardon.

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Mix it up a bit.

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Ooh, goodness. Er, maybe a little too much spice.

0:19:440:19:48

Er, I'll try a metal spoon.

0:19:480:19:51

Absolutely delicious. And you know what really sets this apart

0:19:530:19:56

from other dishes? It's the blueberries.

0:19:560:19:59

SHE BREAKS WIND Ooh! That is not going to washout.

0:19:590:20:02

SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

0:20:030:20:06

'This is the Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.

0:20:060:20:09

'During an unusually vicious storm, the classroom is badly hit.

0:20:090:20:14

'But the school day must go on.'

0:20:140:20:16

So, Ross, that's quite a storm outside.

0:20:190:20:21

Oh, I've seen worse, to be honest.

0:20:210:20:24

-Really?

-Yes. Our house didn't used to be a bungalow.

0:20:240:20:28

-We lost the first floor in the Great Gust of 2007.

-Wow.

0:20:280:20:33

So, Valerie, were you affected by the storm?

0:20:360:20:40

Yes, unfortunately, I'd just popped out for my midnight digestives

0:20:410:20:45

when the storm hit, so I had to ride it out in the sheep barn

0:20:450:20:50

until it finished itself off.

0:20:500:20:52

-Gosh. So you didn't get much sleep.

-No, no, Wendy.

0:20:520:20:56

Neither did the sheep. Very nervous animals in bad weather.

0:20:560:21:00

Very nervous animals indeed.

0:21:030:21:05

Are you OK, miss?

0:21:080:21:10

Yes, yes, I'm fine. Now, Ross, get out your maths books, please.

0:21:100:21:15

-We're supposed to be doing Spanish, miss.

-I'm well aware of that, Ross,

0:21:150:21:18

but the Spanish books are under that tree so unless you have a chainsaw,

0:21:180:21:22

-we're doing maths.

-OK.

0:21:220:21:25

Ooh, could you pass me the chalk?

0:21:290:21:31

We can't really interrupt, Valerie. We're just observers.

0:21:310:21:34

Don't be ridiculous. Stuart the cameraman, pass me the chalk.

0:21:340:21:38

-No, Stuart, don't let go.

-Wahh!

0:21:380:21:41

CLATTERING AND SMASHING

0:21:410:21:44

'Despite the difficult teaching conditions,

0:21:460:21:49

'Valerie rises to the challenge with characteristic ingenuity.'

0:21:490:21:52

-Are you all right there, Valerie?

-Yep.

0:21:580:22:02

Er, Valerie, don't you think it would be a good idea

0:22:060:22:09

to suspend school until it's all a bit more...horizontal?

0:22:090:22:12

No, no, challenging situations create a great learning experience.

0:22:120:22:18

CRASHING

0:22:240:22:25

Are you OK, miss?

0:22:250:22:28

Yes, Ross, I'm fine.

0:22:280:22:30

-Now, use the rope system and go and fill in the answer, please.

-Right.

0:22:300:22:35

HE GROANS

0:22:520:22:54

Now fill it in.

0:23:050:23:06

-HE PANTS

-I don't want to let go, miss.

0:23:060:23:09

And I'm quite sure you don't want to get a D, either, Ross.

0:23:090:23:13

-Miss, I can't hold on! Agh!

-CLATTERING

0:23:130:23:18

HE GROANS

0:23:190:23:21

Wrong.

0:23:210:23:22

Wow! That was great fun!

0:23:220:23:25

I've never been to a dog-tickling competition before.

0:23:250:23:28

-The way you made that Labrador giggle was brilliant!

-Yeah!

0:23:280:23:32

-Oooh! Oooh!

-HE LAUGHS

0:23:320:23:35

It's just a shame I couldn't do any, what with my dog allergy.

0:23:350:23:38

-One tickle and I would've come out in a rash.

-Hm.

0:23:380:23:42

Funny you should mention that cos I've got something that might help

0:23:420:23:45

-with your little canine problem.

-Really?

-Mm, yes. Over here.

0:23:450:23:50

HE LAUGHS MENACINGLY

0:23:500:23:54

Hang on!

0:23:560:23:58

-Is this one of your mad experiments?

-No!

0:23:580:24:01

-How could you think that?

-Because you've got...

0:24:020:24:05

-Oh, never mind.

-Mwah-ha-ha! Behold!

0:24:070:24:10

Tesnac compound LV426.

0:24:100:24:14

It is one of your mad experiments! Well, I'm not interested.

0:24:140:24:18

Every time I try one of your experiments,

0:24:180:24:20

-something awful happens to me!

-No, it doesn't.

-Oh, yeah?

0:24:200:24:23

Remember when I tried your special pill to make me like broccoli?

0:24:230:24:26

-It worked, though!

-It gave me broccoli hair!

0:24:260:24:30

Aghhh!

0:24:300:24:32

And I still didn't like broccoli.

0:24:320:24:35

-HE SIGHS

-I was a lot younger then.

0:24:350:24:39

Not as good at experiments. But this one really works!

0:24:390:24:43

-And it tastes delicious!

-I'm not trying it!

0:24:430:24:46

Oh, please!

0:24:460:24:48

Please! Please!

0:24:490:24:53

-Ple-e-e-ease!

-All right, you talked me into it.

-Ah!

0:24:530:24:57

Prepare to be cured of your dog allergy! Mwah-ha-ha-ooh-ha-ha.

0:24:570:25:03

Urgh! It tastes disgusting!

0:25:050:25:07

-Erm, anything happening?

-No!

0:25:070:25:11

Oh, hang on. Oh.

0:25:110:25:13

I do feel something.

0:25:130:25:16

SQUELCHING / BUBBLING

0:25:180:25:21

Hm. That really shouldn't have happened.

0:25:260:25:30

Still, got to make the best of a bad job.

0:25:300:25:33

-Fetch!

-DOG BARKS

0:25:330:25:36

Good boy, good boy. Good boy.

0:25:360:25:38

-Hello! Hey! I've come to break a world record!

-Which one?

0:25:440:25:49

-Isn't it obvious?

-No.

0:25:490:25:52

I'm here to break the world record for the fastest rapper.

0:25:520:25:55

Yes, hello, Deborah. The record for the world's fastest rapper, please.

0:25:580:26:02

-Good weekend?

-No.

-I had an egg.

0:26:030:26:07

PHONE RINGS

0:26:090:26:11

Yes, hello? Deborah! I told you not to call me at work.

0:26:110:26:14

Oh, right, yes.

0:26:140:26:17

The record for the world's fastest rapper is 612 words in one minute.

0:26:170:26:22

Oh, easy! I can break that no problem.

0:26:220:26:25

-Turn this rubbish off.

-But...

-No, I need to get in the zone.

-Right.

0:26:250:26:28

Out of interest, what makes you think you can rap?

0:26:280:26:31

Where I come from, rapping is just a way of life.

0:26:310:26:33

-Where's that?

-North Yorkshire.

0:26:330:26:36

Right, here we go. Get your clock out.

0:26:360:26:39

RAP BEATS

0:26:390:26:43

Oh, no, right, sorry.

0:26:440:26:46

Here we... Oh. Er, long intro. Thought it was going to...

0:26:460:26:51

Yep, right. In a minute. It's exciting.

0:26:510:26:55

Go! Ooh, ooh, ooh.

0:26:560:26:58

HE MAKES SILLY NOISES Ooh, ooh.

0:26:580:27:02

HE MAKES SILLY NOISES Ah! Ooh!

0:27:020:27:05

HE MAKES SILLY NOISES Ooh, ahh!

0:27:050:27:07

-HE MAKES SILLY NOISES

-Stop! Stop it!

0:27:070:27:12

That isn't rapping, that's just a load of silly noises!

0:27:120:27:16

-What's rapping, then?

-Words.

0:27:160:27:18

-Words? Like, about what?

-About things you do, about your average day.

0:27:180:27:22

Oh, my average day, things I do! Right, OK, here we go.

0:27:220:27:26

Let me tell you about myself, my name is Mark,

0:27:270:27:29

I feed the ducks when I go to the... Oh. Erm...

0:27:290:27:33

Agh! What do you call it? What's the word? I can't think.

0:27:330:27:36

-Park.

-Good!

0:27:380:27:40

I've got a super brain and a massive vocabulary,

0:27:400:27:43

but I can't think of a word that rhymes with vocabulary.

0:27:430:27:47

-Bo! How was that? How many words?

-42.

0:27:470:27:50

-Right. What's the record?

-612.

0:27:500:27:52

Ohh! So close! Check it!

0:27:520:27:54

-I'm Eddie Big!

-Tony take it. It's mine.

0:27:570:28:00

I'll get you, Philippe!

0:28:000:28:03

Witch! She's a witch!

0:28:030:28:05

Maybe my bees can help.

0:28:050:28:07

-£1,000!

-£1,000!

0:28:070:28:09

BOTH: In your imagination!

0:28:090:28:11

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail [email protected]

0:28:110:28:14

.

0:28:140:28:14

Take a trip to the Museum of Imagination and join new characters Colin and Malcolm, the flight attendants who can't stop eating from the trolley, Tony, who lives down the back of a sofa and old favourites the fearsome Vikings and the inhabitants of the remote Scottish island of North Barrasay.


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