Episode 1 Sorry I've Got No Head

-Right, I'll put the kettle on.

-Oh!

Did you put that mousetrap down like I asked?

Yeah, I put one in the dining room last night.

And you're sure it's a mousetrap you put down?

Of course! What other sorts of traps are there?

Wow, a wizard. Oh, no, I must have bought the wrong box by mistake!

WIZARD GROANS Take it back and get the right one.

-It's not difficult!

-Well, what am I going to do with him?

Put him out the back door. He'll find his own way home.

So, can you do real magic?

This is extremely inconvenient! Porkus promaskis!

Ohh!

Oh, terrific!

HE SNORTS

If you can magic this, why couldn't you magic yourself out of the trap?

Fair point.

Footus begelae!

Excellent! Well, good day. I'll see myself out.

Wait! Wait! What about this?

I've got to go to work in a minute! Ohh!

MOUSE LAUGHS

What? Oh, no!

-Oh, no!

-You all right, love?

My car. My car was here and it's been stolen. My dog was inside it.

-OK, keep calm. Don't worry.

-Oh, no! My dog!

Officer.

-What seems to be the problem?

-Well, my car was there

and it's been stolen and my dog was inside it.

-Not a very good guard dog then, eh?

-Please can you help me find him?

-Let me take a description.

-OK, he's quite big.

He's white with black spots. He's a Dalmatian cross and...

Oh!

Oh, that's him. Erm... I'm really sorry for wasting police time.

You are a bad dog! A very bad dog, going off like that.

-I just thought it would be nice to pick you up.

-Sorry?

Woof. Er, definitely woof.

I'm just... Oh, look at this.

They're all broken! All of our axes and swords, they've just worn out.

-Chief!

-Yes?

-I've actually been working on a new kind of weapon.

It's based on an idea from a long time ago,

-somewhere far, far away.

-Oh. Oh, right.

I haven't tried them out yet, but have a go and see what you think.

-CHIEF LAUGHS

-I'm sorry, Eric, is this a joke?

-This wouldn't even scare Sven.

-HE SCREAMS

-Well, all right. You take my point.

-No, you have to switch them on.

You hold them out in front of you like this and then push the button.

THEY SCREAM

Turn them off! Oh!

-Oh! I mean, they're very impressive, Eric, but they're terrifying!

-Yes.

But if everyone can learn to use them without screaming,

we could take over the world with such terrifying weaponry!

Do you think you could try it again without screaming?

-Yes.

-Of course, consider it done. Yes.

OK, then. Hold them out and press the button.

THEY SCREAM

Stop it, stop it! Oh!

I'm sorry, Eric. They're making everyone too panicky.

And a panicky Viking is like a dog with its bum on fire. It is awful.

We could always use them to scare Sven.

HE SCREAMS

-CHIEF LAUGHS

-That is fun.

-Wow, Pete, that was delish.

-That was superb. Thank, Pete.

No problemo! Hope you've got enough room for pudding!

It's an old traditional family recipe.

-There's always room for pudding, Pete.

-Absolutely.

-I'll go get it.

So, Clive, how do you know Pete?

-We're flatmates. I'm renting a room off him.

-Oh, right. What do you do?

-I'm a clown.

-Oh.

There we are. Individually baked custard pies.

-Pete, those look fab.

-Yeah?

-They must have taken you an age to make.

Oh, I forgot the sauce.

CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

CROWD OOH AND AHH

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS, MONKEY SCREECHES

Here's the special...

Clive! How could you?

I'm sorry, I'm...so, so sorry.

HORN BEEPS

-What's that?

-No, it's... It's not helping!

CHANNELS CHANGE RAPIDLY

Mum! Have you seen the remote control?

It's probably fallen down the back of the sofa!

Wahhh!

Hello?

-Hello?

-Oh!

-Agh!

-It's mine!

It's... It's all mine!

What are you doing here?

Erm, I'm just looking for my remote control. Can I have it back, please?

It's my phone but it doesn't work!

I can't order a pizza.

Hello. I'd like to speak to Brian, please.

Erm, I'm afraid Brian's not available.

Oh, he's always out, isn't he? What's he doing?

He's had to go to singing lessons.

Oh, don't tell me he goes singing!

I heard him in the shower! He was awful!

See, it's broken! I can't order pizza!

What are you talking about? Just give me back the remote. Please?

It's mine! Maybe we should play a game.

Tony asks you a question

and if nasty boy gets question right,

he gets stupid broken phone. Yeah?

Whatever, just get on with it. My programme's starting.

I'll just think of a question. Erm...

What about the one with the dog and the nappies?

That one's not a very good question. All right, I've got a question.

What...is...

..my...name?

Very good question. Oh, thanks, Tony.

-Is it Tony?

-Ahh! How did you get that? That's impossible!

Just have your stupid... Ohh! It's mine! It's mine!

Why did you ask that question? You thought of the question.

No, I didn't! It's time you took responsibility for your questions.

-Are you all right, Bern?

-Yep, found it.

You haven't seen my phone, have you? I thought I left it on the sofa.

DOORBELL RINGS

Tony take it. Ha-ha!

Good goal, Danny! You bent it like Beckham!

HE LAUGHS

Right, it's my turn to go!

Aw, thanks, Danny! You really are my bestest friend in the whole world!

And it is the England captain, Eddie Big, to take the final penalty

for the World Cup final! The crowd roars.

But... Er! The ball's soft, I think it's got a puncture.

-Yeah, I noticed that.

-I can't have my bestest pal in the whole world

playing with a flat football!

I tell you what! I'll get my extra-special ball from my bag!

No, no, Eddie, Eddie, no, it's fine, we'll just play with that one.

Danny! I'm offering you the chance to play with the best football ever!

I've never let anyone else play with it but I'm letting you play with it

because you're my bestest, bestest friend!

HE SOBS

-I'm just trying to be nice!

-OK, Eddie, it's fine.

-OK!

And it's Eddie Big to win the game.

Eddie! No! Stop that!

-Stop it!

-HE SCREAMS

You see, Danny?

I'm Eddie Big!

If you want my advice, don't believe anyone who tells you

that custard's a perfect replacement for hair.

It won't dry, you idiot! It's custard!

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you require refreshments,

-"the trolley is passing through the plane."

-Drinks or snacks?

Anything from the trolley for yourself?

-Out of the way, please.

-Make room for the trolley.

-Malcolm.

-Excuse me, sir! What do you think you're doing?

-Pardon?

-Leaving your bag in the aisle like that.

-How are we supposed to get the trolley through?

-Sorry, I'll move it.

That's better! Honestly. How are we supposed to get this trolley through?

There must be a clear passage for the trolley.

-Excuse me.

-Yeah, what is it?

-You're holding up the trolley.

I'd like a sandwich, please.

-What fillings have you got?

-Erm... Well, I'm not sure.

-What would you say that is, Colin?

-Egg?

Smells like egg. What do you think?

-CHOMPING

-Egg. Definitely.

-No, no, hang on, I'm not convinced.

-Oh, yeah, there is something else.

BOTH: Cress.

-So, we've got egg and cress.

-Anything else?

-Chicken mayo.

-Cheesy tomato.

-Ooh!

-Crayfish and rocket!

-We'll split those.

-That's ham and mustard, isn't it?

-Always best to check, dear.

-HE BELCHES All right?

-That mustard is very tart.

Erm, I'll have cheese and tomato, please.

Oh! I'm afraid we are completely out of sandwiches.

All right, I'll just have a packet of chocolate buttons.

No, they're all gone, too.

-HE BREAKS WIND

-What's that noise?

-HE BREAKS WIND Colin, are you all right?

-No.

-I'm afraid the bad thing's happening again, Malcolm.

-Come on, hop on.

Ladies and gentlemen, the trolley's closed due to expected turbulence.

Clear the aisle! Trolley coming through!

RUMBLING

I've been finding it hard to move recently

and I've been feeling really lethargic.

Yes, I see the problem. You've been clamped.

-Oh, no! How did I get that?

-Have you been into town today?

Er, I was waiting for my girlfriend by a bus stop.

-How long for?

-Don't know.

-Over 20 minutes?

-Yeah, I suppose.

-Can you just open your shirt, please?

-Ahh!

-Oh, yeah, it's a parking violation.

It's a shame you didn't get to me sooner.

I'm going to have to call in a specialist.

David, could you send in Dr Richards, please?

THUNDER BOOMS

Hello? Hello?

I got a flyer for the museum. Well, it was stapled to my wife

and she's wasn't very happy. Thought I'd better see what's going on.

Hello? Hello?

An advertisement stapled to your wife, indeed! How lucky.

How lucky you are. How lucky she is. For it means you have won a prize.

A prize, would you believe? Hip-hip-haroof!

-Who's this idiot?

-Oh! We have been rumbled! Rumbled, I tell you.

Blast and damnation!

-You have eagle eyes, Mr... Mr...

-Er, Frank, Frank Cooper.

-THUNDER BOOMS

-A viscount!

In our own museum! We are honoured!

Well, Viscount Previn, you have eagle eyes indeed,

for this is not Mr Faraway. This is his stunt double.

-Uh!

-Oh! Excellent falling, not Mr Faraway.

-Thank you, Mr Elevenses.

-Right then, what about this prize?

-All in good time.

-Have a look at the exhibits while you are here.

-You'll love it!

Oh, such bravery, not Mr Faraway!

-Viscount, step this way.

-Erm, I'm not actually a viscount,

-I'm just called Frank.

-Ooh!

Does anyone need me to leap out of a window?

Not I, Mr Faraway's stunt double,

but I should inform you as soon as the opportunity arises.

Terribly good of you!

-Now then, the exhibit.

-Ooh! Think I twanged my knee on that one.

-Actually, I think I might be getting back.

-Back to seeing the exhibits

-at the...

-BOTH: Museum of the Imagination!

Under this cloth lie the winged sandals of Hermes.

Winged sandals that allowed her mind to fly!

-Well, come on, then, let's see them.

-Of course you may.

BOTH: In your imagination!

-HE SIGHS

-Brilliant. Can I go now?

Is that not the most amazing thing you have ever seen...

BOTH: In your imagination?

I really think I will go cos the football's on in ten minutes.

A sporting man! Then perhaps you would like to see the very football

that won the 1966 World Cup.

What, really? You've got that? The actual ball?

The actual ball!

Fake punch there. Little trick of the trade.

Yes, viscount, under this lies that famous sphere.

-Shall I jump out of the window now?

-Not yet, Mr Faraway.

-Can I see it?

Well, of course you may! BOTH: In your imagination!

Right. I really have had enough of this. Where's my prize?

Oh, well, of course you shall have it.

BOTH: In your imagination!

Well, what a terribly rude viscount!

Didn't he want to see the ghost of Julius Caesar?

-Should I come out-a now?

-Not now, ghost of Julius Caesar.

Oh.

Probably just as well. Wahh!

'Sticky Martin. He's got the stickiest hands in the world!'

WHISTLE BLOWS

TRAIN CHUGS

TRAIN CLATTERS

TRAIN CLATTERS

-Oh, he'll know!

-Yes, arks him.

You, little man! I'm going to arks you a ting.

Now, do you know who won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1968?

We've argued about it since we left the shop that sells haircuts!

-I'm pretty sure it's N-Dubz!

-I think it was Queen Victoria.

-I don't think it's either.

-What?

-You're both wrong.

-One of us must be right!

-We can't both be wrong!

-That doesn't make any sense!

-Are you very, very stupid?

I don't know much about songs, I'm a florist.

-Fluorescent? You glow in the dark?

-You're a flautist! You play flute!

-No, I'm a florist.

-Florence?

-Oh, and her machines!

THEY SING DIFFERENT SONGS

No, no, ladies, I'm a florist. I sell flowers.

Oh! Then I'll have a kilo of self-raising, thank you.

-She's been baking furiously.

-Dr Conway is addicted to my scones!

-I don't know what she puts in them.

-Special milk.

No, I don't sell flour for cooking, I sell flowers.

Roses, lilies, crysanths, tulips. Look around you.

-All right, Pootle from The Flumps, no need to shout!

-No shouting!

I could do with some flowers to put in my buttonhole.

Dr Conway is coming round later and I'm hoping I can turn his stomach

-with a giddy bouquet.

-I've got just the thing. Lovely roses.

I'll never get all of those in my top hole!

-I'll look like a giddy clown!

-No, I sell them singly.

-One, two, a dozen, as many as you want.

-Whoa!

You steady on there, Justin Bieber.

-Sell?

-For money?

-Hard golden coinage!

You silver-tongued money spider, luring us in

like fickle fiscal flies into your sticky web!

-Buzzy, buzzy, buzzy!

-Agh! Nothing's free these days!

Apart from the lifejackets on aeroplanes.

-They don't like you smuggling them off the plane in your stomach!

-No!

-I had four. They're filling once you pull the toggle!

-Woof!

-She got a telling off from a stewardess.

-She looked like a man.

-You will pay a pretty penny for these.

-Oh, yes.

-And the petals won't come cheap.

-No, the thorns will be extra.

-Double for the stench!

-I shouldn't think you'll get much change

-out of £1,000 when all's said and done.

-£1,000?

-About £1,000.

£1,000? It's too much!

-Ladies, please. Each rose just costs £1.50.

-£1,000 is absurd!

It's too much, £1,000 just for one of your roses in my buttonhole!

Yes! We shall buy a Rolls Royce, we shall drive to Holland

and there we shall choose a rose from their tulip fields!

Do you know, young man, it's my hope that you develop hay fever

-and sneeze yourself through the back wall!

-Good day! Ooh, flowers for me?

You should've said! You're in here!

You've got a chance! Keep bashing away!

Hello. Now, if you're anything like me,

you will probably enjoy your foods from all over the different worlds.

So today I thought I'd mix it up in the kitchen

and attempt a fiery little curry from Northern India, mm.

Well, that smells absolutely delicious, I can tell you.

Needs a bit more spice so we'll just add a little bit of curry powder.

There we go.

Again, it's not quite got that kick that I'm after

so I might just pop in a little bit more chilli.

We're getting there. Now, what I'm going to add to that, actually,

is a very secret ingredient of mine,

blueberries. SHE BREAKS WIND

SHE BREAKS WIND Beg your pardon.

Mix it up a bit.

Ooh, goodness. Er, maybe a little too much spice.

Er, I'll try a metal spoon.

Absolutely delicious. And you know what really sets this apart

from other dishes? It's the blueberries.

SHE BREAKS WIND Ooh! That is not going to washout.

SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

'This is the Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.

'During an unusually vicious storm, the classroom is badly hit.

'But the school day must go on.'

So, Ross, that's quite a storm outside.

Oh, I've seen worse, to be honest.

-Really?

-Yes. Our house didn't used to be a bungalow.

-We lost the first floor in the Great Gust of 2007.

-Wow.

So, Valerie, were you affected by the storm?

Yes, unfortunately, I'd just popped out for my midnight digestives

when the storm hit, so I had to ride it out in the sheep barn

until it finished itself off.

-Gosh. So you didn't get much sleep.

-No, no, Wendy.

Neither did the sheep. Very nervous animals in bad weather.

Very nervous animals indeed.

Are you OK, miss?

Yes, yes, I'm fine. Now, Ross, get out your maths books, please.

-We're supposed to be doing Spanish, miss.

-I'm well aware of that, Ross,

but the Spanish books are under that tree so unless you have a chainsaw,

-we're doing maths.

-OK.

Ooh, could you pass me the chalk?

We can't really interrupt, Valerie. We're just observers.

Don't be ridiculous. Stuart the cameraman, pass me the chalk.

-No, Stuart, don't let go.

-Wahh!

CLATTERING AND SMASHING

'Despite the difficult teaching conditions,

'Valerie rises to the challenge with characteristic ingenuity.'

-Are you all right there, Valerie?

-Yep.

Er, Valerie, don't you think it would be a good idea

to suspend school until it's all a bit more...horizontal?

No, no, challenging situations create a great learning experience.

CRASHING

Are you OK, miss?

Yes, Ross, I'm fine.

-Now, use the rope system and go and fill in the answer, please.

-Right.

HE GROANS

Now fill it in.

-HE PANTS

-I don't want to let go, miss.

And I'm quite sure you don't want to get a D, either, Ross.

-Miss, I can't hold on! Agh!

-CLATTERING

HE GROANS

Wrong.

Wow! That was great fun!

I've never been to a dog-tickling competition before.

-The way you made that Labrador giggle was brilliant!

-Yeah!

-Oooh! Oooh!

-HE LAUGHS

It's just a shame I couldn't do any, what with my dog allergy.

-One tickle and I would've come out in a rash.

-Hm.

Funny you should mention that cos I've got something that might help

-with your little canine problem.

-Really?

-Mm, yes. Over here.

HE LAUGHS MENACINGLY

Hang on!

-Is this one of your mad experiments?

-No!

-How could you think that?

-Because you've got...

-Oh, never mind.

-Mwah-ha-ha! Behold!

Tesnac compound LV426.

It is one of your mad experiments! Well, I'm not interested.

Every time I try one of your experiments,

-something awful happens to me!

-No, it doesn't.

-Oh, yeah?

Remember when I tried your special pill to make me like broccoli?

-It worked, though!

-It gave me broccoli hair!

Aghhh!

And I still didn't like broccoli.

-HE SIGHS

-I was a lot younger then.

Not as good at experiments. But this one really works!

-And it tastes delicious!

-I'm not trying it!

Oh, please!

Please! Please!

-Ple-e-e-ease!

-All right, you talked me into it.

-Ah!

Prepare to be cured of your dog allergy! Mwah-ha-ha-ooh-ha-ha.

Urgh! It tastes disgusting!

-Erm, anything happening?

-No!

Oh, hang on. Oh.

I do feel something.

SQUELCHING / BUBBLING

Hm. That really shouldn't have happened.

Still, got to make the best of a bad job.

-Fetch!

-DOG BARKS

Good boy, good boy. Good boy.

-Hello! Hey! I've come to break a world record!

-Which one?

-Isn't it obvious?

-No.

I'm here to break the world record for the fastest rapper.

Yes, hello, Deborah. The record for the world's fastest rapper, please.

-Good weekend?

-No.

-I had an egg.

PHONE RINGS

Yes, hello? Deborah! I told you not to call me at work.

Oh, right, yes.

The record for the world's fastest rapper is 612 words in one minute.

Oh, easy! I can break that no problem.

-Turn this rubbish off.

-But...

-No, I need to get in the zone.

-Right.

Out of interest, what makes you think you can rap?

Where I come from, rapping is just a way of life.

-Where's that?

-North Yorkshire.

Right, here we go. Get your clock out.

RAP BEATS

Oh, no, right, sorry.

Here we... Oh. Er, long intro. Thought it was going to...

Yep, right. In a minute. It's exciting.

Go! Ooh, ooh, ooh.

HE MAKES SILLY NOISES Ooh, ooh.

HE MAKES SILLY NOISES Ah! Ooh!

HE MAKES SILLY NOISES Ooh, ahh!

-HE MAKES SILLY NOISES

-Stop! Stop it!

That isn't rapping, that's just a load of silly noises!

-What's rapping, then?

-Words.

-Words? Like, about what?

-About things you do, about your average day.

Oh, my average day, things I do! Right, OK, here we go.

Let me tell you about myself, my name is Mark,

I feed the ducks when I go to the... Oh. Erm...

Agh! What do you call it? What's the word? I can't think.

-Park.

-Good!

I've got a super brain and a massive vocabulary,

but I can't think of a word that rhymes with vocabulary.

-Bo! How was that? How many words?

-42.

-Right. What's the record?

-612.

Ohh! So close! Check it!

-I'm Eddie Big!

-Tony take it. It's mine.

I'll get you, Philippe!

Witch! She's a witch!

Maybe my bees can help.

-£1,000!

-£1,000!

BOTH: In your imagination!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail [email protected]

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