Episode 2 Sorry I've Got No Head

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Lionel

# Happy birthday to you. #

Happy birthday!

What?

Hello.

-Morning.

-Ah. Hello, Simon.

-Simon.

-Hello, Head Master.

-Governor.

-What have you got for us today?

I should remind you, this centenary fate is very special.

The stalls will be of the highest standard.

This is brilliant. This is a brand new game.

It is called Eel Or No Eel.

These are two identical fish tanks.

-They're covered, to keep the contents secret.

-Go on.

You pay your 10p and you choose a fish tank.

And you put your hand into the mystery tank of choice.

One contains a veritable sunken treasure or prizes and treats.

-And the other?

-Contains an electric eel,

capable of giving an electric shock

-that would knock a horse off its feet.

-Simon...

It's a lot of fun, unless perhaps for horses!

So, who wants to play Eel Or No Eel?

-OK, I'll go first.

-Are you sure about...?

-Sshh! I'm concentrating.

Yep. This one.

Oh!

I think I've got the prize tank!

No. It's an eel.

Argh!

Gah!

So, what do you reckon? Will you let me know?

We'll let you know.

'Having trouble playing basketball?

'Just haven't got the hand-eye coordination?

'That's because you're wearing high heels.

'Just because they make you taller, doesn't mean you can wear them

'to do sport, you fool! Not only that, they're ladies' shoes.'

-Ole, Signor-ay. Welcome to Spanish Day.

-Spanish Day?

Yes, that's right. Spanish Day. All our food is themed Spanish,

-so what do you want?

-What have you got?

-Paella.

I don't really like paella. What else have you got?

SIZZLES

I've got paella.

Right. And in the third tray?

A little known delicacy from Spain

called paella.

And the fourth?

Ah. Well, that is Spanish Surprise.

So what'll it be?

Choose carefully.

They're all the same.

-Spanish Surprise.

-Aw, mala suerte.

-What does that mean?

-Bad luck!

-ALARM SOUNDS

BULL BELLOWS

-Argh!

-GLASS SMASHES

BULL BELLOWS

Buenos dias. Who's next?

Well, brave Vikings, the long winter is upon us again.

-We must find ways to amuse ourselves.

-I've learnt a magic trick.

Oh really, Sven. You upset the Mage Derren Brown in the last village.

-You and your magic tricks.

-This is a classic. You'll all love it.

I liked it when you made that pie appear, out of meat and vegetables

-and pastry and gravy!

-That wasn't a magic trick.

-I just invited you round for dinner.

-Oh. Can you do that again, please?

No. Look, let me show you the trick.

This is a perfectly normal hat.

THEY SCREAM IN HORROR

What kind of hat is this? It has no horns! How has he done it?

No, that's not the trick. I'm just showing the hat.

I think it's fantastic. You should get a round of applause for that.

Now, look. The hat is completely empty.

THEY SCREAM

It is. The hat is completely empty!

-That's not the trick.

-It deserves a round of applause anyway.

Now, there is also nothing in my sleeves.

-THEY SCREAM

-That's not the trick!

This is the trick.

Ta-da!

-What is the meaning of this?

-Erm...

-Oh, I see!

-At last. He's going to make another pie.

Yes! Yay!

Don't listen to them, Mrs Honeysuckle.

BELL RINGS

-OMG, Sades!

-Jez!

-So you know like what's hot?

-What? What's hot?

-Justin Bieber's like so hot right now.

-Justin Bieber is so hot right now.

-He's like amaze-balls!

Oh, OMG. Yeah, he's like totes amaze-balls!

-I, like, call him The Bieber.

-I call him The Biebs.

-I call him The B.

-I call him The B...

-He's like so cute and gorgeous and everything.

Oh, MFG. I would totally kiss him.

I'd like to be in a car crash and a coma and my cousin comes round

and phones up The Biebs and he comes and sings just for me

-and that's what would happen and everything.

-That's totally normal.

Do you know my Mum? She loves Justin Bieber.

Yeah, like, everyone loves Justin Bieber. He's everywhere.

And everyone's sick of him. It's like too much of Bieber.

When I first started liking Justin Bieber, no-one else knew about him,

now everyone likes Justin Bieber and I'm SO over Justin Bieber.

-And his hat...

-His hat?

-Yeah, wears this like hair hat.

-It's like totally stupid.

-If he sings Eenie Meenie ever again

and if I ever like see his round face, I'm going to be sick

-and it's not even funny!

-I'm SO over Justin Bieber.

-He's SO not hot.

-Not.

-Hot.

-Urgh!

-Bleugh!

-BELL RINGS

-Hello!

-What are you doing in here? I'm having my lunch.

Don't you worry, you carry on.

I'm here to break the world record for plate spinning.

Fine.

Hello, Antonia. Can you give me the world record for plate spinning?

Actually, I know it anyway. Take the day off.

The world record for the most number of plates kept spinning

at any one time is 108.

Easy! Right...

Plate one. PLATE SMASHES

-You've never spun a plate before, have you?

-Not until that one, no.

-But I imagine it gets easier when you've got loads.

-I don't think so.

No. Don't take those... They're special commemorative plates

-we give to people who've broken a world record.

-No, it's fine.

I'll give them back to you in tip-top condition. Here we go.

Number two. PLATE SMASHES

Three. PLATE SMASHES

Four. PLATE SMASHES

Five. PLATE SMASHES

Six. PLATE SMASHES

Seven...

105. PLATE SMASHES

106. PLATE SMASHES

107. PLATE SMASHES

108. That's the world record! 109. PLATE SMASHES

-I've won the world record!

-No. You've just broken 109 of my plates.

Oh! So close!

'The Zombie News Network, bringing you the latest zombie news

'24 hours a day.

'One of the most exciting events in the zombie calendar,

'the world's strongest zombie competition.

'This is the key event, the car pull.

'It's the young Norwegian first to attempt it.

'Oh, dear. I don't think we got much movement there.

'The experienced Dutch competitor steps up now.

'And you really have to question the wisdom of having an event like this

'in this particular competition.'

Run! Everybody run! The tigers have escaped from their enclosure!

They're heading this way!

Don't worry, everyone. My son has the power to speak to animals.

-What are you talking about?! I can't speak to animals!

-Yes, you can.

-Super powers, remember?

-Please, this is so embarrassing.

-I don't have any powers!

-Remember when you done that mind melt

-with the cocker spaniel?

-That was a dog obedience competition.

-Anyway, we lost.

-Don't deny your powers. You're the special one.

-Have you got a costume?

-Oh... Yes!

GLASS SMASHES AND POLICE SIRENS

Quickly, Dean. There are tigers. Don't worry, ladies and gents...

-Where's your over-pants, Dean?

-I didn't bring them.

-I don't like them!

-Don't be ridiculous.

You look stupid without your over-pants. I've got a spare pair.

-Put them on and be quick about it.

-Oh.

-Put them on, Dean!

STRETCHING SOUND

Embarrassing!

-Oh! You do look the business!

-I look like an idiot!

-It chafes.

-Make me proud.

-TIGER ROARS

My son will have the situation under control using his super powers.

-TIGERS ROARS

-Aargh!

-TEARING AND RIPPING

-Go on. get him, Dean!

TIGER ROARS AND DEAN YELPS

-What was that? That was pathetic.

-What do you expect?!

I'm eleven! And they're...tigers. There are five of them!

Oh, well...they must be alien super tigers

engineered by your evil nemesis, Dr Morionatistein.

You've really shown me up!

Wait till I get you back to the secret lair!

-What secret lair?

-You know, the downstairs secret lair.

-Do you mean the kitchen?

-The kitchen-diner, thank you!

Well, the food's ready. How are you doing there?

-Yup, fireworks ready.

-Great, so we're all set.

All we need to do now is light the bonfire.

-Who's going to do that?

-I'll do it.

Erm...

-Why don't you...help with the food? Maybe help with the barbecue?

-No!

Ah... Forget the barbecue, maybe you could help light the sparklers?

Why don't you just help out with the...drinks?

Make sure they're nice and chilled.

Hang on, do you not trust me to light a bonfire, or something?

-No. It's not that. It's just...

-You think cos I'm a snowman,

I must be stupid. Is that it?

-It's going to get....really hot.

-I am sick and tired

of being treated as an inferior!

I'm going to take this to the Court of Human Rights,

even though I'm technically not human.

If they don't listen, I'll take it to the Court of Snowman Rights

and if that doesn't exist, I'm going to build one.

I don't mind doing that... Argh!

See? Told you I'd get the fire going.

Now, did you say you needed somebody to keep the drinks cold?

I don't suppose you could pop me in the cool box for a few minutes?

DUTCH ACCENT: Excuse me. Can you be telling me the way

-to the swimming pools?

-It's ten minutes that way.

Can you be telling me how many people doing the swimmings?

I really couldn't say. It's half-term, so it might be busy.

-And the cost of the swimming pools today?

-I've not been for a while.

-I don't think it's more than £2.

-Will I be enjoying my visit?

-I don't know. Do you like swimming?

-No. I am unable to swim.

-Probably not then.

-You will be showing me how to swim.

-No.

-Yes! You show me how to swim! Show me how to swim right now!

-YOU SHOW ME HOW TO SWIM!

-OK.

-SWIM!

Come on. Let's get in the pool.

-Little dive.

-Little dive.

-We want the lengths! You do the front crawl.

You the breastings and the butterfly!

Front crawl, then the breast stroke, then the butterfly. Faster! Faster!

WHISTLE BLOWS

I will not be doing the swimming today.

Goodbye.

Toodle pips and merry bye bye.

We do the swims. We do the swims.

We do the swimming together.

So what seems to be the problem?

I've noticed I've been going a bit pale recently

and my voice is going.

MOUTHS WORDS

Yes, I've seen this before. It looks like Marceau's Syndrome.

Basically, it means that you're becoming a mime artist.

Don't worry, it won't do you any harm. It's just very annoying.

What can you do?

Well, it'll pass eventually. In the meantime, stay hydrated.

Eat plenty of fruit and vegetables.

And could you just stop that now please?

Sorry, it's just that I've got other patients to see.

Could you just go?

Properly!

-You!

-Little man!

-Where are we?

-We're completely lost.

We've been wandering about for hours.

-You're in the memorial park.

-The park?

How can that be? We only went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

I do get giddy when I've been scoffing aniseed balls.

-You shouldn't have eaten the last 400.

-Do you want me to starve?!

-I'm wasting away.

-It's true. There's barely anything of her.

-What are you doing in the garden?

-I run the pitch and putt.

-Kitchen cup?

-The bits and bobs?

-Pistachio nuts?

-Twitching gut?

-What are you talking about?

No, pitch and putt. It's a short version of golf.

-Crazy golf?

-It's not really like crazy golf.

-My uncle was a champion at crazy golf.

-No, dear, he was just crazy!

This is pitch and putt. You pitch it on the green and try and putt it in.

That sounds quite diverting. We do like a bit of golf.

Yes. I have rather the glad eye for that Colin Montgomerie.

Beneath those aran sweaters lies the rippling torso of a predatory man.

Steady on, dear! You'll have everyone wanting your phone number.

-We'll have a go on your pitch and putt please.

-OK. Nine or 18?

I'm actually neither. I'm a little over 18. It's sweet of you to ask.

No, sorry. How many holes do you want to play? Nine or 18?

Oh right! Let's split the difference. Say five and a half.

-It'll still cost you the same as nine.

-Cost!

-Price!

-Money!

-The shadow of remuneration towers over us once again.

Nothing's free these days.

Apart from those hot towels in the Chinese restaurant.

They're delicious, but you have to pay for your dinner first.

And this pitchy putt putt won't come cheap.

It'll be once to pitch and then pay again to putt.

-Then you'll have to pay again for the clubs.

-And more for the holes.

I shouldn't think you'll get much change out of £1,000.

-£1,000?

-It's what these things cost apparently!

Each game just costs £3.50.

-£1,000!

-£1,000! That's too much!

He said it. It's absurd!

I won't pay £1,000 just to pitch your putts about!

Come Jasmin. Let us ride a couple of wild stags to Scotland

and thence to Gleneagles to pitch our own putt

with lovely sugary Lord Alan.

I hope you get a hole in one and then look down and suddenly realise

-you've also got a hole in the other!

-Good day!

I like your beach. I look great in a swim suit.

I'll have that!

-Is this the end of the queue?

-No.

HE SNIFFS

What is that?

HE SNIFFS

-That's a fair stink on it. What is that smell?

-What?

HE SNIFFS

What are you doing?

Where is that smell coming from?

What is that stink?

-Washing powder?

-No.

-Me?

-No.

Manky old chewy blanket?

Got it! It's a goldfish.

He's called Freddy. Don't feed him at night. Where is that bus?

Emily and Monty Forest have been a singing and performing duo

for more than 16 years.

They've auditioned for more than 3,000 shows without success.

Now, they're putting on their very own show and today is audition day.

So where are the auditions going to be held?

This is where Emily and I will be sitting,

on the other side of the table-able-able.

Why are there three chairs?

Thank you, Monty.

That's well spotted and that's not the only surprise for today

because I've actually booked a very special surprise guest.

A surprise! I don't believe it! Who is it? Who is it? Who is it?

Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Is it Louie Spence?

Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it?

It's Simon Cowell.

Amazing! Simon Cowell's coming here!

There's no-one in the world who knows more about auditioning

and crushing people... Who's that?

It's Simon Cowell.

-That is not Simon Cowell.

-It is.

-It isn't.

-It's Simon Cowell.

-Excuse me sir, what's your name?

-Simon Cowell.

-See?

Wait a minute. What do you do, Simon Cowell?

I'm a butcher. Does anybody want any chops?

-He's a butcher.

-He's Simon Cowell.

-He brought chops.

-I brought bangers as well.

He's not Simon Cowell.

Simon Cowell, what do you know about auditioning people?

I'll be honest, I know more about chops and bangers.

DRUM BEAT

-Next!

-You've got a kind face.

-Poor.

-Next.

-Never ever give up. You've got something. Use it.

-No. No. No.

-You look like a vegetarian.

-No. No. No.

-Get out!

-No.

-No. You're a disgrace.

I like you. I like you a lot.

-Next.

-Awful!

You're going through to the next round. Oh, I've got no power.

Does your mother know you're here?

Do you want some sausages? Pork and Leek.

You, this one, you my friend, you're very much hired.

Thank you.

Get out.

Emily, it's been a really tough day.

Do you think you've managed to cast the right people?

Yes. But it's, oh, it's sooooo...

It's so difficult to say no to people.

But I think that we really have amassed

the most tippity top bestio company.

-Thar speaks the truth, first mate Emily.

-Oo arr, Captain Monty.

Amongst all those no's and nays we had to give out,

we did find a couple of people to say yay to.

Do you think we've got what it takes, Monty?

Oh yeah. We've got what it takes.

# Everybody conga Everybody conga. #

If you want my advice,

never sit behind someone eating candyfloss on a roller coaster.

What are you doing? It's my face!

I'm a human being!

Welcome back to Bargain in the Basement.

We've had a lovely afternoon here at Market Harborough.

We've met Jim, who's brought along his grandfather's toby jug

-and I bet you're glad you did Jim.

-Yes. Yes, I am.

Our experts have valued this jug as being worth over £500.

ALL: Ooooh!

-Ooooh indeed!

-Thank you.

-Thank you Jim.

Now, let's see who's next.

Who wants to see whether their... come on, that's it...

..whether their treasure is going to come up trumps?

-Hello sir.

-Hello.

-So tell me about what you've brought to be valued.

I've brought this dog.

Where did you pick him up? Where did you pick him up?

Erm... Well, I erm...

I bought him at a car boot sale. I think it's an antique.

It's probably worth quite a bit of money.

We'll soon find out.

Linda, our resident expert, what can you tell us about this?

Firstly, not an antique.

Oh dear!

Sorry.

Yes, if we have a look, it's actually quite shoddily made.

Quite badly painted, quite ugly actually.

And I would say bought quite recently,

probably in a pound shop or something.

-How do you know that?

-Because...

I don't know if the camera can get it there? The sticker on the bottom.

So it's not worth £500?

-Goodness me, no!

-Are you sure? It does look a bit antiquey.

Can I ask, how much did you pay for it?

Well, I paid £10 for it.

Oh, crikey, no!

I would value it in the region of...

I would say ten pence.

Right. Fine.

Witch! She's a witch!

THEME FROM THE OMEN

Ha-ha-ha! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

What? I just wanted a second opinion.

We'll be back after the break.

Aha! L, E. Spells 'le'.

It's two points, which is a good start. Your go, Phillippe.

Quoi?

You have to make...

Make a word avec... With the votres... Votres letters.

-Boeuf.

-Gosh, this is educational, isn't it?

Playing a board game in French.

I expect your chums at school would be very jealous of you

getting all this extra learning off your French exchange student.

He's your exchange student?! He's been here 20 years!

-Voila! Qazyjixe.

-Qazyjixe.

There's a Q, that's a ten, ten, and and X and a J and it's on a triple.

That's 177 points. That is a very good score, Phillippe, well done.

Qazyjixe?! He can't have that. That's not a word!

Of course it is. It's clearly a French word.

Phillippe, qu'est-ce que c'est? Qazyjixe.

Qazyjixe. What does it mean?

How you say... Qazyjixe.

There you go. We've all learnt a word.

It's probably something to do with strong cheese or dancing.

Now, I've got a platter of air-dried beef with a piccalilli garnish

waiting in the larder so I'll pop and get that.

Qazyjixe(!)

-I wouldn't make too much of a fuss about it if I was you.

-What?

-You heard.

-You can speak English?!

-Of course I can.

-I've been here 20 years. It's not that hard.

-But?

Listen, I've got a very good thing going on here.

Bed and board, all of the savoury meat products I could possibly want.

You better not spoil this for me.

-I'm telling Dad!

-If you do, I could make life very difficult for you.

Yeah?

Here we are. A lovely bit of air-dried...

Alors! Oo la la!

What? Oh... What? What's gone on here?

It's Phillippe! He can speak...

Ce n'est pas moi! C'etait Danny!

Il a renverse le squash sur toute la table, et aussi pour moi.

C'est degueulasse!

Danny, why have you poured squash over Phillippe?

-But he...

-No. Not another word.

Straight to be for you and no air-dried beef.

I'll get you, Phillippe Lavaveseur!

Jasper!

Jasper! Here boy!

-You all right?

-No, I'm not all right. I've lost my dog.

-You haven't seen him, have you?

-Big, white, black spots?

-Yes!

-That's him! Where have you seen him?

-Is that him there?

Ha-ha-ha! Woo-hoo! Yes!

Get in! Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

Jasper, you naughty boy.

I was worried about you.

Come on! We were 5-0 up. I was just about to get a hat-trick.

What did you say?

I mean, erm... Woof! Definitely woof!

-I'm Eddie Pink.

-This is mine.

I'll get you Phillippe Lavavaseur.

Witch! She's a witch!

Maybe my bees can help.

-£1,000.

-£1,000.

In your imagination!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd