Episode 2 Sorry I've Got No Head


Episode 2

Children's comedy sketch show. The helpful bees find themselves in space and there's a special delivery in the Museum of Imagination.


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Transcript


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# Happy birthday to you

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# Happy birthday, dear Lionel

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# Happy birthday to you. #

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Happy birthday!

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What?

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Hello.

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-Morning.

-Ah. Hello, Simon.

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-Simon.

-Hello, Head Master.

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-Governor.

-What have you got for us today?

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I should remind you, this centenary fate is very special.

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The stalls will be of the highest standard.

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This is brilliant. This is a brand new game.

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It is called Eel Or No Eel.

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These are two identical fish tanks.

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-They're covered, to keep the contents secret.

-Go on.

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You pay your 10p and you choose a fish tank.

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And you put your hand into the mystery tank of choice.

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One contains a veritable sunken treasure or prizes and treats.

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-And the other?

-Contains an electric eel,

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capable of giving an electric shock

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-that would knock a horse off its feet.

-Simon...

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It's a lot of fun, unless perhaps for horses!

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So, who wants to play Eel Or No Eel?

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-OK, I'll go first.

-Are you sure about...?

-Sshh! I'm concentrating.

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Yep. This one.

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Oh!

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I think I've got the prize tank!

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No. It's an eel.

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Argh!

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Gah!

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So, what do you reckon? Will you let me know?

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We'll let you know.

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'Having trouble playing basketball?

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'Just haven't got the hand-eye coordination?

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'That's because you're wearing high heels.

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'Just because they make you taller, doesn't mean you can wear them

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'to do sport, you fool! Not only that, they're ladies' shoes.'

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-Ole, Signor-ay. Welcome to Spanish Day.

-Spanish Day?

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Yes, that's right. Spanish Day. All our food is themed Spanish,

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-so what do you want?

-What have you got?

-Paella.

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I don't really like paella. What else have you got?

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SIZZLES

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I've got paella.

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Right. And in the third tray?

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A little known delicacy from Spain

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called paella.

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And the fourth?

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Ah. Well, that is Spanish Surprise.

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So what'll it be?

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Choose carefully.

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They're all the same.

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-Spanish Surprise.

-Aw, mala suerte.

-What does that mean?

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-Bad luck!

-ALARM SOUNDS

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BULL BELLOWS

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-Argh!

-GLASS SMASHES

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BULL BELLOWS

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Buenos dias. Who's next?

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Well, brave Vikings, the long winter is upon us again.

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-We must find ways to amuse ourselves.

-I've learnt a magic trick.

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Oh really, Sven. You upset the Mage Derren Brown in the last village.

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-You and your magic tricks.

-This is a classic. You'll all love it.

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I liked it when you made that pie appear, out of meat and vegetables

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-and pastry and gravy!

-That wasn't a magic trick.

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-I just invited you round for dinner.

-Oh. Can you do that again, please?

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No. Look, let me show you the trick.

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This is a perfectly normal hat.

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THEY SCREAM IN HORROR

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What kind of hat is this? It has no horns! How has he done it?

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No, that's not the trick. I'm just showing the hat.

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I think it's fantastic. You should get a round of applause for that.

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Now, look. The hat is completely empty.

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THEY SCREAM

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It is. The hat is completely empty!

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-That's not the trick.

-It deserves a round of applause anyway.

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Now, there is also nothing in my sleeves.

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-THEY SCREAM

-That's not the trick!

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This is the trick.

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Ta-da!

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-What is the meaning of this?

-Erm...

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-Oh, I see!

-At last. He's going to make another pie.

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Yes! Yay!

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Don't listen to them, Mrs Honeysuckle.

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BELL RINGS

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-OMG, Sades!

-Jez!

-So you know like what's hot?

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-What? What's hot?

-Justin Bieber's like so hot right now.

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-Justin Bieber is so hot right now.

-He's like amaze-balls!

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Oh, OMG. Yeah, he's like totes amaze-balls!

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-I, like, call him The Bieber.

-I call him The Biebs.

-I call him The B.

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-I call him The B...

-He's like so cute and gorgeous and everything.

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Oh, MFG. I would totally kiss him.

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I'd like to be in a car crash and a coma and my cousin comes round

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and phones up The Biebs and he comes and sings just for me

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-and that's what would happen and everything.

-That's totally normal.

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Do you know my Mum? She loves Justin Bieber.

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Yeah, like, everyone loves Justin Bieber. He's everywhere.

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And everyone's sick of him. It's like too much of Bieber.

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When I first started liking Justin Bieber, no-one else knew about him,

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now everyone likes Justin Bieber and I'm SO over Justin Bieber.

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-And his hat...

-His hat?

-Yeah, wears this like hair hat.

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-It's like totally stupid.

-If he sings Eenie Meenie ever again

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and if I ever like see his round face, I'm going to be sick

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-and it's not even funny!

-I'm SO over Justin Bieber.

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-He's SO not hot.

-Not.

-Hot.

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-Urgh!

-Bleugh!

-BELL RINGS

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-Hello!

-What are you doing in here? I'm having my lunch.

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Don't you worry, you carry on.

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I'm here to break the world record for plate spinning.

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Fine.

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Hello, Antonia. Can you give me the world record for plate spinning?

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Actually, I know it anyway. Take the day off.

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The world record for the most number of plates kept spinning

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at any one time is 108.

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Easy! Right...

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Plate one. PLATE SMASHES

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-You've never spun a plate before, have you?

-Not until that one, no.

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-But I imagine it gets easier when you've got loads.

-I don't think so.

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No. Don't take those... They're special commemorative plates

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-we give to people who've broken a world record.

-No, it's fine.

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I'll give them back to you in tip-top condition. Here we go.

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Number two. PLATE SMASHES

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Three. PLATE SMASHES

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Four. PLATE SMASHES

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Five. PLATE SMASHES

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Six. PLATE SMASHES

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Seven...

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105. PLATE SMASHES

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106. PLATE SMASHES

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107. PLATE SMASHES

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108. That's the world record! 109. PLATE SMASHES

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-I've won the world record!

-No. You've just broken 109 of my plates.

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Oh! So close!

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'The Zombie News Network, bringing you the latest zombie news

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'24 hours a day.

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'One of the most exciting events in the zombie calendar,

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'the world's strongest zombie competition.

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'This is the key event, the car pull.

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'It's the young Norwegian first to attempt it.

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'Oh, dear. I don't think we got much movement there.

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'The experienced Dutch competitor steps up now.

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'And you really have to question the wisdom of having an event like this

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'in this particular competition.'

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Run! Everybody run! The tigers have escaped from their enclosure!

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They're heading this way!

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Don't worry, everyone. My son has the power to speak to animals.

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-What are you talking about?! I can't speak to animals!

-Yes, you can.

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-Super powers, remember?

-Please, this is so embarrassing.

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-I don't have any powers!

-Remember when you done that mind melt

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-with the cocker spaniel?

-That was a dog obedience competition.

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-Anyway, we lost.

-Don't deny your powers. You're the special one.

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-Have you got a costume?

-Oh... Yes!

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GLASS SMASHES AND POLICE SIRENS

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Quickly, Dean. There are tigers. Don't worry, ladies and gents...

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-Where's your over-pants, Dean?

-I didn't bring them.

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-I don't like them!

-Don't be ridiculous.

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You look stupid without your over-pants. I've got a spare pair.

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-Put them on and be quick about it.

-Oh.

-Put them on, Dean!

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STRETCHING SOUND

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Embarrassing!

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-Oh! You do look the business!

-I look like an idiot!

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-It chafes.

-Make me proud.

-TIGER ROARS

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My son will have the situation under control using his super powers.

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-TIGERS ROARS

-Aargh!

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-TEARING AND RIPPING

-Go on. get him, Dean!

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TIGER ROARS AND DEAN YELPS

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-What was that? That was pathetic.

-What do you expect?!

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I'm eleven! And they're...tigers. There are five of them!

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Oh, well...they must be alien super tigers

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engineered by your evil nemesis, Dr Morionatistein.

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You've really shown me up!

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Wait till I get you back to the secret lair!

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-What secret lair?

-You know, the downstairs secret lair.

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-Do you mean the kitchen?

-The kitchen-diner, thank you!

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Well, the food's ready. How are you doing there?

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-Yup, fireworks ready.

-Great, so we're all set.

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All we need to do now is light the bonfire.

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-Who's going to do that?

-I'll do it.

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Erm...

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-Why don't you...help with the food? Maybe help with the barbecue?

-No!

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Ah... Forget the barbecue, maybe you could help light the sparklers?

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Why don't you just help out with the...drinks?

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Make sure they're nice and chilled.

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Hang on, do you not trust me to light a bonfire, or something?

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-No. It's not that. It's just...

-You think cos I'm a snowman,

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I must be stupid. Is that it?

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-It's going to get....really hot.

-I am sick and tired

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of being treated as an inferior!

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I'm going to take this to the Court of Human Rights,

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even though I'm technically not human.

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If they don't listen, I'll take it to the Court of Snowman Rights

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and if that doesn't exist, I'm going to build one.

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I don't mind doing that... Argh!

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See? Told you I'd get the fire going.

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Now, did you say you needed somebody to keep the drinks cold?

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I don't suppose you could pop me in the cool box for a few minutes?

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DUTCH ACCENT: Excuse me. Can you be telling me the way

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-to the swimming pools?

-It's ten minutes that way.

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Can you be telling me how many people doing the swimmings?

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I really couldn't say. It's half-term, so it might be busy.

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-And the cost of the swimming pools today?

-I've not been for a while.

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-I don't think it's more than £2.

-Will I be enjoying my visit?

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-I don't know. Do you like swimming?

-No. I am unable to swim.

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-Probably not then.

-You will be showing me how to swim.

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-No.

-Yes! You show me how to swim! Show me how to swim right now!

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-YOU SHOW ME HOW TO SWIM!

-OK.

-SWIM!

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Come on. Let's get in the pool.

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-Little dive.

-Little dive.

-We want the lengths! You do the front crawl.

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You the breastings and the butterfly!

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Front crawl, then the breast stroke, then the butterfly. Faster! Faster!

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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I will not be doing the swimming today.

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Goodbye.

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Toodle pips and merry bye bye.

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We do the swims. We do the swims.

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We do the swimming together.

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So what seems to be the problem?

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I've noticed I've been going a bit pale recently

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and my voice is going.

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MOUTHS WORDS

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Yes, I've seen this before. It looks like Marceau's Syndrome.

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Basically, it means that you're becoming a mime artist.

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Don't worry, it won't do you any harm. It's just very annoying.

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What can you do?

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Well, it'll pass eventually. In the meantime, stay hydrated.

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Eat plenty of fruit and vegetables.

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And could you just stop that now please?

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Sorry, it's just that I've got other patients to see.

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Could you just go?

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Properly!

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-You!

-Little man!

-Where are we?

-We're completely lost.

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We've been wandering about for hours.

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-You're in the memorial park.

-The park?

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How can that be? We only went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

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I do get giddy when I've been scoffing aniseed balls.

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-You shouldn't have eaten the last 400.

-Do you want me to starve?!

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-I'm wasting away.

-It's true. There's barely anything of her.

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-What are you doing in the garden?

-I run the pitch and putt.

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-Kitchen cup?

-The bits and bobs?

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-Pistachio nuts?

-Twitching gut?

-What are you talking about?

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No, pitch and putt. It's a short version of golf.

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-Crazy golf?

-It's not really like crazy golf.

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-My uncle was a champion at crazy golf.

-No, dear, he was just crazy!

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This is pitch and putt. You pitch it on the green and try and putt it in.

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That sounds quite diverting. We do like a bit of golf.

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Yes. I have rather the glad eye for that Colin Montgomerie.

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Beneath those aran sweaters lies the rippling torso of a predatory man.

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Steady on, dear! You'll have everyone wanting your phone number.

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-We'll have a go on your pitch and putt please.

-OK. Nine or 18?

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I'm actually neither. I'm a little over 18. It's sweet of you to ask.

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No, sorry. How many holes do you want to play? Nine or 18?

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Oh right! Let's split the difference. Say five and a half.

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-It'll still cost you the same as nine.

-Cost!

-Price!

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-Money!

-The shadow of remuneration towers over us once again.

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Nothing's free these days.

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Apart from those hot towels in the Chinese restaurant.

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They're delicious, but you have to pay for your dinner first.

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And this pitchy putt putt won't come cheap.

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It'll be once to pitch and then pay again to putt.

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-Then you'll have to pay again for the clubs.

-And more for the holes.

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I shouldn't think you'll get much change out of £1,000.

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-£1,000?

-It's what these things cost apparently!

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Each game just costs £3.50.

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-£1,000!

-£1,000! That's too much!

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He said it. It's absurd!

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I won't pay £1,000 just to pitch your putts about!

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Come Jasmin. Let us ride a couple of wild stags to Scotland

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and thence to Gleneagles to pitch our own putt

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with lovely sugary Lord Alan.

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I hope you get a hole in one and then look down and suddenly realise

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-you've also got a hole in the other!

-Good day!

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I like your beach. I look great in a swim suit.

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I'll have that!

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-Is this the end of the queue?

-No.

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HE SNIFFS

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What is that?

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HE SNIFFS

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-That's a fair stink on it. What is that smell?

-What?

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HE SNIFFS

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What are you doing?

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Where is that smell coming from?

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What is that stink?

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-Washing powder?

-No.

-Me?

-No.

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Manky old chewy blanket?

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Got it! It's a goldfish.

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He's called Freddy. Don't feed him at night. Where is that bus?

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Emily and Monty Forest have been a singing and performing duo

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for more than 16 years.

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They've auditioned for more than 3,000 shows without success.

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Now, they're putting on their very own show and today is audition day.

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So where are the auditions going to be held?

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This is where Emily and I will be sitting,

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on the other side of the table-able-able.

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Why are there three chairs?

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Thank you, Monty.

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That's well spotted and that's not the only surprise for today

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because I've actually booked a very special surprise guest.

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A surprise! I don't believe it! Who is it? Who is it? Who is it?

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Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Is it Louie Spence?

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Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it?

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It's Simon Cowell.

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Amazing! Simon Cowell's coming here!

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There's no-one in the world who knows more about auditioning

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and crushing people... Who's that?

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It's Simon Cowell.

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-That is not Simon Cowell.

-It is.

-It isn't.

-It's Simon Cowell.

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-Excuse me sir, what's your name?

-Simon Cowell.

-See?

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Wait a minute. What do you do, Simon Cowell?

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I'm a butcher. Does anybody want any chops?

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-He's a butcher.

-He's Simon Cowell.

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-He brought chops.

-I brought bangers as well.

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He's not Simon Cowell.

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Simon Cowell, what do you know about auditioning people?

0:20:040:20:08

I'll be honest, I know more about chops and bangers.

0:20:080:20:11

DRUM BEAT

0:20:110:20:14

-Next!

-You've got a kind face.

0:20:140:20:17

-Poor.

-Next.

-Never ever give up. You've got something. Use it.

0:20:180:20:23

-No. No. No.

-You look like a vegetarian.

0:20:250:20:28

-No. No. No.

-Get out!

0:20:280:20:31

-No.

-No. You're a disgrace.

0:20:310:20:34

I like you. I like you a lot.

0:20:340:20:37

-Next.

-Awful!

0:20:380:20:41

You're going through to the next round. Oh, I've got no power.

0:20:410:20:45

Does your mother know you're here?

0:20:450:20:47

Do you want some sausages? Pork and Leek.

0:20:470:20:50

You, this one, you my friend, you're very much hired.

0:20:500:20:53

Thank you.

0:20:540:20:56

Get out.

0:20:580:20:59

Emily, it's been a really tough day.

0:20:590:21:01

Do you think you've managed to cast the right people?

0:21:010:21:04

Yes. But it's, oh, it's sooooo...

0:21:040:21:07

It's so difficult to say no to people.

0:21:070:21:10

But I think that we really have amassed

0:21:100:21:14

the most tippity top bestio company.

0:21:140:21:16

-Thar speaks the truth, first mate Emily.

-Oo arr, Captain Monty.

0:21:160:21:21

Amongst all those no's and nays we had to give out,

0:21:210:21:24

we did find a couple of people to say yay to.

0:21:240:21:27

Do you think we've got what it takes, Monty?

0:21:300:21:32

Oh yeah. We've got what it takes.

0:21:320:21:34

# Everybody conga Everybody conga. #

0:21:360:21:39

If you want my advice,

0:21:390:21:41

never sit behind someone eating candyfloss on a roller coaster.

0:21:410:21:45

What are you doing? It's my face!

0:21:470:21:50

I'm a human being!

0:21:510:21:54

Welcome back to Bargain in the Basement.

0:22:010:22:04

We've had a lovely afternoon here at Market Harborough.

0:22:040:22:09

We've met Jim, who's brought along his grandfather's toby jug

0:22:090:22:13

-and I bet you're glad you did Jim.

-Yes. Yes, I am.

0:22:130:22:16

Our experts have valued this jug as being worth over £500.

0:22:160:22:21

ALL: Ooooh!

0:22:210:22:22

-Ooooh indeed!

-Thank you.

-Thank you Jim.

0:22:220:22:25

Now, let's see who's next.

0:22:250:22:27

Who wants to see whether their... come on, that's it...

0:22:270:22:31

..whether their treasure is going to come up trumps?

0:22:310:22:34

-Hello sir.

-Hello.

-So tell me about what you've brought to be valued.

0:22:340:22:38

I've brought this dog.

0:22:380:22:40

Where did you pick him up? Where did you pick him up?

0:22:400:22:43

Erm... Well, I erm...

0:22:430:22:45

I bought him at a car boot sale. I think it's an antique.

0:22:450:22:50

It's probably worth quite a bit of money.

0:22:500:22:53

We'll soon find out.

0:22:530:22:55

Linda, our resident expert, what can you tell us about this?

0:22:550:22:58

Firstly, not an antique.

0:22:580:23:02

Oh dear!

0:23:020:23:04

Sorry.

0:23:040:23:05

Yes, if we have a look, it's actually quite shoddily made.

0:23:050:23:10

Quite badly painted, quite ugly actually.

0:23:100:23:13

And I would say bought quite recently,

0:23:130:23:15

probably in a pound shop or something.

0:23:150:23:17

-How do you know that?

-Because...

0:23:170:23:20

I don't know if the camera can get it there? The sticker on the bottom.

0:23:200:23:24

So it's not worth £500?

0:23:250:23:28

-Goodness me, no!

-Are you sure? It does look a bit antiquey.

0:23:280:23:32

Can I ask, how much did you pay for it?

0:23:320:23:35

Well, I paid £10 for it.

0:23:350:23:38

Oh, crikey, no!

0:23:380:23:40

I would value it in the region of...

0:23:400:23:43

I would say ten pence.

0:23:430:23:44

Right. Fine.

0:23:490:23:52

Witch! She's a witch!

0:23:560:23:59

THEME FROM THE OMEN

0:23:590:24:02

Ha-ha-ha! Witch! Witch!

0:24:040:24:07

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

0:24:080:24:12

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

0:24:120:24:15

What? I just wanted a second opinion.

0:24:200:24:23

We'll be back after the break.

0:24:260:24:28

Aha! L, E. Spells 'le'.

0:24:300:24:36

It's two points, which is a good start. Your go, Phillippe.

0:24:360:24:40

Quoi?

0:24:400:24:42

You have to make...

0:24:420:24:45

Make a word avec... With the votres... Votres letters.

0:24:450:24:50

-Boeuf.

-Gosh, this is educational, isn't it?

0:24:500:24:53

Playing a board game in French.

0:24:530:24:56

I expect your chums at school would be very jealous of you

0:24:560:24:59

getting all this extra learning off your French exchange student.

0:24:590:25:03

He's your exchange student?! He's been here 20 years!

0:25:030:25:07

-Voila! Qazyjixe.

-Qazyjixe.

0:25:070:25:09

There's a Q, that's a ten, ten, and and X and a J and it's on a triple.

0:25:090:25:13

That's 177 points. That is a very good score, Phillippe, well done.

0:25:130:25:19

Qazyjixe?! He can't have that. That's not a word!

0:25:190:25:22

Of course it is. It's clearly a French word.

0:25:220:25:24

Phillippe, qu'est-ce que c'est? Qazyjixe.

0:25:240:25:29

Qazyjixe. What does it mean?

0:25:290:25:31

How you say... Qazyjixe.

0:25:310:25:36

There you go. We've all learnt a word.

0:25:370:25:39

It's probably something to do with strong cheese or dancing.

0:25:390:25:43

Now, I've got a platter of air-dried beef with a piccalilli garnish

0:25:430:25:47

waiting in the larder so I'll pop and get that.

0:25:470:25:50

Qazyjixe(!)

0:25:500:25:52

-I wouldn't make too much of a fuss about it if I was you.

-What?

0:25:520:25:55

-You heard.

-You can speak English?!

-Of course I can.

0:25:550:25:58

-I've been here 20 years. It's not that hard.

-But?

0:25:580:26:01

Listen, I've got a very good thing going on here.

0:26:010:26:05

Bed and board, all of the savoury meat products I could possibly want.

0:26:050:26:10

You better not spoil this for me.

0:26:100:26:12

-I'm telling Dad!

-If you do, I could make life very difficult for you.

0:26:120:26:17

Yeah?

0:26:170:26:18

Here we are. A lovely bit of air-dried...

0:26:240:26:27

Alors! Oo la la!

0:26:270:26:29

What? Oh... What? What's gone on here?

0:26:290:26:33

It's Phillippe! He can speak...

0:26:330:26:34

Ce n'est pas moi! C'etait Danny!

0:26:340:26:37

Il a renverse le squash sur toute la table, et aussi pour moi.

0:26:370:26:41

C'est degueulasse!

0:26:410:26:43

Danny, why have you poured squash over Phillippe?

0:26:430:26:46

-But he...

-No. Not another word.

0:26:460:26:49

Straight to be for you and no air-dried beef.

0:26:490:26:52

I'll get you, Phillippe Lavaveseur!

0:26:520:26:55

Jasper!

0:26:580:27:00

Jasper! Here boy!

0:27:010:27:03

-You all right?

-No, I'm not all right. I've lost my dog.

0:27:030:27:06

-You haven't seen him, have you?

-Big, white, black spots?

-Yes!

0:27:060:27:10

-That's him! Where have you seen him?

-Is that him there?

0:27:100:27:13

Ha-ha-ha! Woo-hoo! Yes!

0:27:150:27:18

Get in! Woo-hoo!

0:27:180:27:20

Woo-hoo!

0:27:200:27:22

Jasper, you naughty boy.

0:27:220:27:24

I was worried about you.

0:27:240:27:26

Come on! We were 5-0 up. I was just about to get a hat-trick.

0:27:260:27:30

What did you say?

0:27:300:27:31

I mean, erm... Woof! Definitely woof!

0:27:310:27:35

-I'm Eddie Pink.

-This is mine.

0:27:390:27:42

I'll get you Phillippe Lavavaseur.

0:27:420:27:45

Witch! She's a witch!

0:27:450:27:47

Maybe my bees can help.

0:27:470:27:49

-£1,000.

-£1,000.

0:27:490:27:51

In your imagination!

0:27:510:27:53

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0:27:530:27:55

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