Episode 3 Sorry I've Got No Head


Episode 3

Children's comedy sketch show. The helpful bees find themselves in space, Sticky Martin releases a bird of prey and there is a special delivery in the Museum of Imagination.


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Transcript


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Carbon dioxide filters fully functional.

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Oxygen tanks at optimal level.

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Time in space, 73 hours. Distance from Earth, 360,000 kilometres.

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Oh! There seems to be an electrical fault here on the service module.

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-ALARM BLARES

-It's caused an explosion

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resulting in the loss of both oxygen tanks!

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I have no idea how to fix this capsule.

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Maybe my bees can help.

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-I beg your pardon?

-I said, maybe my bees can help.

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-Hm.

-It's a little-known fact

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that bees are behind many of the advances in rocket science at NASA.

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It's just been kept a secret because it was thought

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that astronauts wouldn't want to get into rockets made by bees.

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-Well, I...

-These bees, with their tiny degrees in astrophysics,

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will wend their buzzy way to the heart of your spacecraft

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and once there, fix the problems with their tiny space hammers,

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helping you get back to Earth!

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-That's amazing!

-It's bee-mazing!

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I will just give them a few brief instructions.

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Buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz, broken spacecraft.

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Buzz-buzz-buzz, tiny space hammers. Buzz-buzz, astrophysics degree.

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Buzz-buzz-buzz, help the space fellow.

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Ooh, almost forgot. Trifle please, buzz-buzz.

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Fly, my little intergalactic friends!

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Agh! No! Agh!

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Aghh! Ow! Agh!

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What about your astrophysics degree?

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Use it! Use it! It's a career!

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Agh, my beautiful face! Oh, oh, oh!

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So, what seems to be the trouble?

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Doctor, I can't see anything with this eye

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and I've got a pinching sensation in my shoulder.

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Ah, I know what this is. You've got Buccaneer's Syndrome.

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-What's that?

-It's nothing to worry about. It's basically pirate flu.

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The pinching in your shoulder is where your parrot's been gripping.

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-Parrot? Parrot? Ooh!

-And your vision will improve if you lift up the...

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-Can you say "ahh" for me?

-Arrrrr!

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Yes. This is a fairly advanced stage.

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I just want to try something.

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-Arrr!

-No. No, it's not that one.

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CLUNKING Ah.

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Ah.

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Me leg! Me leg! What's happened? Yous gots to help me, doctor.

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Well, the treatment for this is very simple.

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I'm going to write you out a prescription

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and you'll find it buried...

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-..there.

-Arrrr!

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If you want my advice,

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never tell a giant that your head looks a bit like an egg!

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Agh! Stop it!

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Inside my head is not an egg!

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Thanks for taking me to the zoo today, Eddie.

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-Do you like the key ring that I bought for you?

-Erm...

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It's a bit... It's a bit big.

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What do you means? It's the best!

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I'm going to get myself a hot dog. What do you want?

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-Erm...

-My treat!

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Yeah, I'd love a hot dog, but Eddie, can I get a normal-sized hot dog?

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-A normal size one?

-Yeah!

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One of your bestest hot dogs for my bestest pal!

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That's brilliant! Thanks, Eddie! Thanks!

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Wait!

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I forgot to get ketchup.

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I can't have my bestest pal in the whole world eating a dry hot dog.

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I know how much you like tom sauce.

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You don't eat anything without it. I'll go get it.

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Say when!

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-When.

-I'm Eddie Big!

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Gosh! It was hot out there but, you know, fun.

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What a brilliant idea!

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Wear your warmest coat on the hottest day of the year day!

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Mind you, I am really, really hot now.

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Oh, do you fancy a cooling ice cream?

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I do, but it's lunchtime. I should really have something savoury first.

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Not a problem. I've got just what you need...over here.

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-THUNDER BOOMS / HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-Yes! Yes!

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Mwah-ha-ha!

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Hang on! Is this one of your mad experiments?

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No! How could you think that?

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Well, because of all the... All the... Oh, never mind.

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Behold! Frozen test matter STS1! Mwah-ha-ha!

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It is one of your mad experiments! Well, there's no way I'm eating that.

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But this is my amazing new beef and broccoli ice cream!

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Your experiments always go wrong!

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Remember that time you tried to get me to like cheese more?

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-Well, it worked, didn't it?

-You turned me into a mouse!

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Aghhh!

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Oh, come on, that's not fair!

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Besides, it only lasted a month.

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My experiments are much better now.

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There is no way I'm eating that.

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Oh, go on.

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Savour the cool savoury goodness.

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Mm. Please.

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Please. Please!

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Ple-e-e-e-ase!

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Oh, why are you so persuasive?

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You'll soon be deliciously cool!

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Mwah-ha-ha!

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I'm too cold now!

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Oh, some people are never satisfied!

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Right, I'm going to get a massive glass of water to put you in.

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Right, I'll put the kettle on.

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Oh! Here, did you put that mousetrap down like I asked?

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Yeah. I put one in the dining room.

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And you're absolutely sure it's a mousetrap that you bought?

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Of course! What other sorts of traps are there?

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Ho-ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho.

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-GROANING

-Fantastic! Santa Claus!

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-Ow-ow-ow!

-Yeah, I must have bought the wrong box.

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Right, well take it back and get the right one, will you, please?

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-Ho-ho-ho.

-Sorry about that.

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-Sorry about this, mate.

-Aghh.

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HE GROANS

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Ohh.

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-You must be busy this time of year.

-That's one way of putting it.

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-What's your name?

-It's Peter. Peter Collins.

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Hm. It says I've got you down for a remote-controlled helicopter.

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-Yes!

-Yeah, like that's going to happen!

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Oh. Ohh!

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MOUSE LAUGHS

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-Ben, you'll miss the bus.

-I know. I'm looking for my maths book.

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I thought I left it on the sofa.

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Aghh!

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What are you doing with my maths book?

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No! Oh, it's my fancy hat. Mm, nice.

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That's not a fancy hat, that's a maths book.

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-I'm late for school so give it back.

-No!

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Tony take it. It's my new fancy hat.

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It's much too sophisticated for a stupid little boy.

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I haven't got time for this.

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Not so fast!

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Maybe you can have your hat back if I ask you a question.

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-Just hurry up.

-Oh, I'll just think of a good one.

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Try and focus. Yeah, I'm trying to concentrate but I get nervous.

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Take some deep breaths. It's just the pressure thing.

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I don't want to pressure you but time's ticking now.

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Oh, I've got it now. I got it.

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How many...

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-..fingers am I holding up?

-Is it three?

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Oh, it's three! Ohh! How did you get that? Impossible!

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Stupid maths book! Ohh!

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I hate maths! It's on the curriculum, nothing you can do.

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I don't care any more!

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Until you're 16, you can't get out of it.

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I don't even know what 16 is!

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You should've paid attention in maths!

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-Come on, Ben, you'll miss the bus.

-OK, found it.

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Oh, have you seen my handbag, by the way?

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Hat! Hat, hat! Hat!

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Yeah, yeah! Well, I followed the recipe completely

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but I added a bit of nutmeg.

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I think it's going to be the best pie ever.

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Oh, Mum, thank you for the cook book.

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You know how much I like cooking, making and eating custard pies.

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It's like the best thing in the world, even though this one

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took me five hours to make. Yeah! Yeah!

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No, literally almost five hours!

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My flatmate? Yeah, he's called Clive.

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No, he seems great. A lot of fun, yeah.

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Yeah, a lot of fun. OK, bye! Bye!

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Are you done in the kitchen? I was going to make some tea.

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No, absolutely. There's just... I've left the pie to set.

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HE WHISTLES

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CROWD OOH AND AHH

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

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-DOORELL RINGS

-I've come to read the gas meter.

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Just point us in the right direction.

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The... The, er, gas meter is, erm...

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-Is, erm... It's just over there.

-Right.

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MONKEY SCREECHES

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CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

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I'm sorry, mate. I'm so sorry.

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Ohh!

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OK, er, thanks for doing this.

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-As you know, it's just a very short advert for the blueberries.

-Yeah.

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You stand there and say what's in the script,

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make out you love the blueberries. We'll sort it all in the edit,

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-make you look attractive, that kind of thing.

-Sorry... What you saying?

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Er, this is Keith. He'll be on sound today.

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Right, let's go! We'll have this done in a few minutes.

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You know what I love?

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-Blueberries.

-SHE BREAKS WIND

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-Cut!

-Oh, sorry. Was there a problem?

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-I must have held them too high.

-No, that was fine. That was fine.

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Erm, there was just a slight... There was a little noise.

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-Did you catch that, Keith?

-Yep, I heard that.

-Right.

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-Didn't hear anything.

-Try again.

-Yep, fine. No problem.

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Do you know what I love? Blueberries.

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-SHE BREAKS WIND

-Cut!

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Another problem, was there? Problem with the camera?

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-No, the camera's fine. There's just that little noise again.

-Oh!

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-Did you catch it?

-Yep. I think I've lost the hearing in one ear.

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Not surprised. Er, so maybe just one more time, see how that goes.

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Well, OK, if you say so. Your time you're wasting.

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And action.

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You know what I love? Blueberries.

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SHE BREAKS WIND

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-Ah, hello, Simon.

-Headmaster. Governor.

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-What have you got to show us today, Simon?

-This is an excellent game.

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-A real bit of fun.

-Something everyone can play?

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Everyone! From eight to, er, about 74.

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-Very good. That's a tick.

-I call it

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Which One's The Poison?

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If you're lucky, you get a delicious flavoured drink.

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-And if you're unlucky?

-You drink the poison!

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Simon, are you aware you should never, ever drink poison?

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Yeah! Yeah, that's the beauty of it!

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Only one of these bottles contains poison! So, who wants a go?

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No? OK. I'll do it first

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just to show you how simple and fun it is.

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Right, I will pay my 10p.

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That can go straight to the donkey sanctuary.

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Now, which one shall I pick? Oh! Ooh, bit nervous. Which one?

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-Simon, I really don't think you should.

-Ah, there it is!

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Yeah, that feels right! My lucky one!

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My lucky drink! Here we go.

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HE CHOKES

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Ohh! Aghh!

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-Oh, that's the poison!

-Simon!

-Aghh!

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-I just drank poison!

-Simon, what do we do?

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Aghh. We need to play the next game.

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-What other game?

-Which One's The Antidote?

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So, what do you reckon? Will you let me know?

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-We'll let you know.

-Aghh!

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'Sticky Martin. He's got the stickiest hands in the world.'

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BIRD SQUAWKS

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No!

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Brave Vikings, Aegir, god of the sea, has smiled upon us

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and blessed us with many thousand of delicious herring!

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Enough herring to see us through the winter time! So, relax

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and enjoy your herring feast!

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ALL: Yes, chief.

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What's the matter? You don't seem to be enjoying your herring feast.

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To be honest, I don't want to speak for my Viking friends,

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but I think we're all a little bit sick of herring.

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-HE BELCHES

-There is something we could try.

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A delicious new snack from the new world.

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It goes by the name of "pop-corn".

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You just stick it in the microwave for three minutes

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and it turns into a huge amount of popcorn

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-and there are three flavours! Butter.

-ALL: Ooh!

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-Sweet.

-ALL: Ooh!

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-And...herring.

-THEY SIGH

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-Shall I give it a go, chief?

-Well, yes, very well.

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We shall try this popcorn.

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So, you just put the pouch in here

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and put it on for three minutes.

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-POPPING / THEY SQUEAL

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

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POPPING / THEY SQUEAL

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MICROWAVE STOPS

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-Now then, who fancies some herring?

-Oh, yes, please!

-Delicious!

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THUNDER BOOMS

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I'm looking for a Mr Faraway or a Mr Elevenses. Hello?

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Looking for them? Found them, you have. Good day to you.

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Have you got any fish? Ask him if he's got any fish.

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-Not now, Mr Faraway.

-I do beg your pardon. Splash.

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Yeah. I've got a delivery here for the Museum of...

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BOTH: Imagination!

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-Yeah, that's it. Sign here, please.

-I'm afraid I cannot!

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I know nothing of your world of forms and signing.

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I know only of the magical underwater kingdom from whence I came.

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Mr Faraway has recently learned that he is descended from

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a long line of mermaids.

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Splash! Comb golden hair. Chat to seahorse about pearls.

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-He doesn't look like a mermaid.

-You said something about a delivery.

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Yes. I've got a load of artefacts here for you.

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-Artefacts?

-Yeah. I've got Excalibur, the sword of King Arthur,

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some UFO remains from Roswell and an actual ghost in a bottle.

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And you have these artefacts... there?

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Yeah. I tell you, they weigh a metric ton.

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This way, sir! Let us show you the many wonders

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-that the Museum...

-BOTH: ..of Imagination...

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-..has to offer.

-Yeah, well, I'm only really here to deliver these.

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Hush! Now, under this cloth lies the head of Medusa,

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-the snake-headed monster.

-Legend has it

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-that those who met her gaze would turn to stone!

-Stone!

-Stone!

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So gaze not into her eyes,

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but instead look upon her severed head...

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BOTH: ..in your imagination!

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Oh, I get it. It's something for the kids, is it?

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The kids, he says? Are these exhibits for the kids?

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Walk this way!

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Beneath this cloth lies a pint of blood

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taken from the dragon slain by the hand of St George himself!

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-I thought that was just a myth.

-I am a myth! A mer-myth.

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Although, if I was to meet the right sea creature,

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-I would become a mer-missus.

-The blood of a dragon!

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More than a millennia old and now you shall see it!

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BOTH: In your imagination!

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THEY GASP

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Right, I'll tell you one thing for certain.

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-THEY GASP

-This box is for you.

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I don't know how you deal with things,

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-but I don't take no for an answer. I'm not taking it back.

-BOTH: Well!

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-BOTH: What a predicament!

-Yes, what a predicament.

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Well, let me have a look first into this box.

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THEY GASP / SMASHING

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My mistake! It is indeed ours.

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How exciting, Mr Elevenses! I can't wait to tell the dolphins.

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Mr delivery man, please take from us a tip as an apology for this mix-up.

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Oh. Oh, well, thanks very much.

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BOTH: In your imagination!

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-Another crisis averted.

-HE LAUGHS

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-Fish, Mr Faraway?

-Ooh, don't mind if I do!

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Splash. Ha! Splash. Ha! Splash. Ha!

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"If you require refreshments, the trolley will now pass through."

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Trolley coming through!

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Please make room for the trolley service, please.

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Any drinks at all? Any drinks or snacks from the trolley service?

0:20:100:20:15

Could I just squeeze by to get to my seat, please?

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-Squeeze by?

-Of course not.

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You might squash the cheese biscuits.

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Or flatten a ham and cheese panini. We cannot allow it.

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-You'll have to move to another seat.

-My bag's over there.

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Yeah, well, you can get another one. Now please, out of the way!

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-We have got limited room!

-Any drinks or snacks?

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-Excuse me.

-Yes, what is it?

0:20:340:20:37

-I'd like a chocolate bar, please.

-A chocolate bar.

0:20:370:20:40

Chocolate bar. No.

0:20:400:20:43

-No. No.

-Why are all the wrappers empty?

0:20:430:20:48

-There's been a chocolate strike.

-What?

0:20:480:20:50

-A chocolate strike in...Switzerland.

-Germany.

-Birmingham.

0:20:500:20:54

-Wherever chocolate's made, because of the cows.

-Sheep.

-Cats.

0:20:540:21:00

So you're going to have to go without, I'm afraid. Goodbye!

0:21:000:21:03

-Trolley coming through.

-I think that wrapper's got one in.

0:21:030:21:06

-Look! A triple rainbow!

-A what?

0:21:060:21:10

As you can see, this one's actually empty, as well.

0:21:140:21:18

-So there's no chocolate?

-You should be grateful!

0:21:180:21:20

Chocolate is very bad for you! Isn't it, Colin?

0:21:200:21:23

SQUELCHING / BUBBLING

0:21:230:21:25

Oh, no. Oh, Colin, not again. We've just had your uniform dry-cleaned!

0:21:250:21:30

Clear the aisle, please! I have to perform an emergency evacuation!

0:21:300:21:33

Trolley coming through! Hold it in, Colin, hold it in.

0:21:330:21:36

-Just a minute.

-I don't know if I can, Malcolm.

0:21:360:21:39

-It's coming!

-Oh, there is it.

0:21:390:21:42

Dinner for table number one.

0:21:530:21:55

SMASHING

0:22:200:22:23

Your food.

0:22:270:22:29

Would you like any drinks?

0:22:310:22:34

-No.

-No, we'll be fine, thank you.

-We're absolutely fine.

0:22:340:22:37

-Good morning!

-It's the afternoon.

-Is it?

0:22:430:22:47

I do not care because today I shall break a world record!

0:22:470:22:51

-If you don't mind, I'm rather busy...

-Just think,

0:22:510:22:54

when I break a world record, I'll be out of your hair forever!

0:22:540:22:57

-Yes. Yes, I'm all ears.

-Today I shall be attempting to break

0:22:580:23:02

the world record for the world's most identical twins.

0:23:020:23:05

I'm pretty sure you need someone else.

0:23:050:23:07

I would like to introduce you to my identical twin brother, Mike!

0:23:070:23:11

-Pretty amazing, eh?

-In a word, no.

0:23:160:23:20

What are you on about? Look at him! Look at me! We've both got two eyes!

0:23:200:23:24

Our ears are both on either side of our heads

0:23:240:23:27

and our noses are in the same place, both of our mouths

0:23:270:23:29

are full of these hard white things.

0:23:290:23:32

Teeth. They're called teeth. I'm sorry, that is just not good enough.

0:23:320:23:35

I've got two eyes and two ears but we're far from being identical.

0:23:350:23:39

He has! We could be triplets! Long-lost triplets!

0:23:390:23:42

How can we ever make up the time? Think of all the years we've lost!

0:23:420:23:46

-I'll give you this, you're both identically irritating.

-I told you.

0:23:460:23:50

Today we shall break a world record!

0:23:500:23:53

Right, well, the first test of how identical you are is height.

0:23:530:23:56

I'm afraid if you fail this, you haven't broken the record.

0:23:560:24:00

Bring it on!

0:24:000:24:02

-Uh-huh.

-Aha!

0:24:060:24:09

Ah. Well, what a surprise. You aren't the same height.

0:24:180:24:22

-How tall am I?

-One metre 60.

-How tall is he?

-Two metres 30.

0:24:220:24:26

BOTH: Ohh! So close!

0:24:260:24:29

Are you sure that tape measure's working?

0:24:290:24:32

Course number seven.

0:24:320:24:34

# Hey, hey, hey

0:24:390:24:42

# Hey, hey, hey

0:24:420:24:43

# You know I can do it better than you

0:24:430:24:46

# I can do it even better in broken heels

0:24:460:24:49

# Hey, hey, hey

0:24:490:24:53

# Hey, hey, hey

0:24:530:24:55

# All the ladies tell the fellas we can do what they can do

0:24:550:24:58

# And we can do it even better...

0:24:580:24:59

I'm very sorry but we've run out of big cake.

0:24:590:25:04

Can I get you anything else?

0:25:060:25:08

-Absolutely lovely day!

-Beautiful weather!

-Yes!

0:25:100:25:14

-Oh, good day, tiny fellow!

-What are you doing near a lake?

0:25:140:25:18

-Oh, pedalos.

-Oh, that's nice. We love dogs!

0:25:180:25:21

Yes! Especially poodles. We'll take the whole lot! Wrapped.

0:25:210:25:25

-No, no, no, pedalos.

-Pedicure?

-Piccolo?

-Boogaloo?

-Higgle-piggle?

0:25:250:25:29

Peddle-powered boats. Take a trip around the lake?

0:25:290:25:32

-How charming!

-I could do with building up my thigh strength.

0:25:320:25:35

Got to be in tip-top condition for a weightlifting competition.

0:25:350:25:38

-I'm hoping to impress Dr Conway with my clean and jerk!

-Ooh!

0:25:380:25:42

So we will take a go on one of your portaloos.

0:25:420:25:44

OK. Great. Would you like half an hour or a full hour?

0:25:440:25:48

-How could we possibly know?

-I only had three cakes and a meringue

0:25:480:25:51

for elevenses! Who knows how long I'll last on your piddle pool?

0:25:510:25:55

I need to know how much to charge you.

0:25:550:25:57

-Ohh!

-Money?

-Lucra!

-Cash?

-Bread!

-Coinage?

0:25:570:26:01

Oh, I should've known this shifty fellow

0:26:010:26:03

-would try to cheat us out of our precious coins!

-You fiscal ferret!

0:26:030:26:08

-Nothing's free these days.

-No! Apart from the wifi in the internet cafe.

0:26:080:26:12

-And you have to have a computer to eat that!

-Yes!

0:26:120:26:15

When I go in there, I can hear it inside my head. It goes...

0:26:150:26:18

-Screeee!

-Dang-dang-dang! Ahhhh-ee-ahhhh!

0:26:180:26:23

-Brrrr-ding!

-Padaaaah!

0:26:230:26:25

-In the end, it turned out Prudith's coffee was too hot.

-I burnt my face!

0:26:250:26:29

-I tell you, these portaloos won't come cheap, either.

-Oh, no.

0:26:290:26:32

-It'll be double if you want to peddle.

-Extra for the lifejacket.

0:26:320:26:36

There'll be all sorts of money for those ducks!

0:26:360:26:39

-All this water will need to be moved.

-It will do! And removed!

0:26:390:26:43

I shouldn't think you'll get much change out of £1,000.

0:26:430:26:45

-£1,000?

-It's what these things cost these days!

0:26:450:26:49

-Well, it's too much, £1,000!

-No, look, ladies, it's £3...

0:26:490:26:52

-£1,000!

-It's too much, £1,000!

-It's absurd, £1,000!

0:26:520:26:56

I won't pay it, £1,000, just to peddle on your floaty boats!

0:26:560:27:00

Are you insane? Come, Jasmine. We shall book ourselves a cruise

0:27:000:27:04

to the Bahamas on one of those popular diamond yachts!

0:27:040:27:07

I hope somebody puts a pepper in your pillow

0:27:070:27:10

-and piddles on your poodle-pond!

-Good day!

0:27:100:27:13

I loved you in Mission Impossible! It's Tom Cruise, we met Tom Cruise.

0:27:130:27:17

Jasper!

0:27:170:27:19

Jasper! Jasper!

0:27:190:27:22

You haven't seen my dog, have you? I let him off the lead for a minute

0:27:240:27:27

-and he's disappeared.

-OK, what does he look like?

0:27:270:27:30

-He's quite big, he's white with black spots.

-Isn't that him there?

0:27:300:27:34

Ohh! One more go, come on. Here we go.

0:27:360:27:38

-Yes! Ha-ha!

-Jasper!

0:27:400:27:43

-Ohh!

-You naughty boy!

0:27:430:27:46

I've been so worried about you!

0:27:460:27:48

-We've still got 20 minutes on the court!

-What did you say?

0:27:480:27:51

Er...woof. Definitely woof.

0:27:510:27:54

-I'm Eddie Big!

-Tony take it, it's mine.

0:27:570:28:00

-I'll get you, Philippe!

-Witch! She's a witch!

0:28:000:28:05

Maybe my bees can help.

0:28:050:28:07

-£1,000!

-£1,000!

0:28:070:28:10

BOTH: In your imagination!

0:28:100:28:12

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail [email protected]

0:28:120:28:16

.

0:28:160:28:16

The helpful bees find themselves in space, Sticky Martin struggles to release a bird of prey and there is a special delivery in the Museum of Imagination.


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