Episode 3 Sorry I've Got No Head

Carbon dioxide filters fully functional.

Oxygen tanks at optimal level.

Time in space, 73 hours. Distance from Earth, 360,000 kilometres.

Oh! There seems to be an electrical fault here on the service module.

-ALARM BLARES

-It's caused an explosion

resulting in the loss of both oxygen tanks!

I have no idea how to fix this capsule.

Maybe my bees can help.

-I beg your pardon?

-I said, maybe my bees can help.

-Hm.

-It's a little-known fact

that bees are behind many of the advances in rocket science at NASA.

It's just been kept a secret because it was thought

that astronauts wouldn't want to get into rockets made by bees.

-Well, I...

-These bees, with their tiny degrees in astrophysics,

will wend their buzzy way to the heart of your spacecraft

and once there, fix the problems with their tiny space hammers,

helping you get back to Earth!

-That's amazing!

-It's bee-mazing!

I will just give them a few brief instructions.

Buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz, broken spacecraft.

Buzz-buzz-buzz, tiny space hammers. Buzz-buzz, astrophysics degree.

Buzz-buzz-buzz, help the space fellow.

Ooh, almost forgot. Trifle please, buzz-buzz.

Fly, my little intergalactic friends!

Agh! No! Agh!

Aghh! Ow! Agh!

What about your astrophysics degree?

Use it! Use it! It's a career!

Agh, my beautiful face! Oh, oh, oh!

So, what seems to be the trouble?

Doctor, I can't see anything with this eye

and I've got a pinching sensation in my shoulder.

Ah, I know what this is. You've got Buccaneer's Syndrome.

-What's that?

-It's nothing to worry about. It's basically pirate flu.

The pinching in your shoulder is where your parrot's been gripping.

-Parrot? Parrot? Ooh!

-And your vision will improve if you lift up the...

-Can you say "ahh" for me?

-Arrrrr!

Yes. This is a fairly advanced stage.

I just want to try something.

-Arrr!

-No. No, it's not that one.

CLUNKING Ah.

Ah.

Me leg! Me leg! What's happened? Yous gots to help me, doctor.

Well, the treatment for this is very simple.

I'm going to write you out a prescription

and you'll find it buried...

-..there.

-Arrrr!

If you want my advice,

never tell a giant that your head looks a bit like an egg!

Agh! Stop it!

Inside my head is not an egg!

Thanks for taking me to the zoo today, Eddie.

-Do you like the key ring that I bought for you?

-Erm...

It's a bit... It's a bit big.

What do you means? It's the best!

I'm going to get myself a hot dog. What do you want?

-Erm...

-My treat!

Yeah, I'd love a hot dog, but Eddie, can I get a normal-sized hot dog?

-A normal size one?

-Yeah!

One of your bestest hot dogs for my bestest pal!

That's brilliant! Thanks, Eddie! Thanks!

Wait!

I forgot to get ketchup.

I can't have my bestest pal in the whole world eating a dry hot dog.

I know how much you like tom sauce.

You don't eat anything without it. I'll go get it.

Say when!

-When.

-I'm Eddie Big!

Gosh! It was hot out there but, you know, fun.

What a brilliant idea!

Wear your warmest coat on the hottest day of the year day!

Mind you, I am really, really hot now.

Oh, do you fancy a cooling ice cream?

I do, but it's lunchtime. I should really have something savoury first.

Not a problem. I've got just what you need...over here.

-THUNDER BOOMS / HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-Yes! Yes!

Mwah-ha-ha!

Hang on! Is this one of your mad experiments?

No! How could you think that?

Well, because of all the... All the... Oh, never mind.

Behold! Frozen test matter STS1! Mwah-ha-ha!

It is one of your mad experiments! Well, there's no way I'm eating that.

But this is my amazing new beef and broccoli ice cream!

Your experiments always go wrong!

Remember that time you tried to get me to like cheese more?

-Well, it worked, didn't it?

-You turned me into a mouse!

Aghhh!

Oh, come on, that's not fair!

Besides, it only lasted a month.

My experiments are much better now.

There is no way I'm eating that.

Oh, go on.

Savour the cool savoury goodness.

Mm. Please.

Please. Please!

Ple-e-e-e-ase!

Oh, why are you so persuasive?

You'll soon be deliciously cool!

Mwah-ha-ha!

I'm too cold now!

Oh, some people are never satisfied!

Right, I'm going to get a massive glass of water to put you in.

Right, I'll put the kettle on.

Oh! Here, did you put that mousetrap down like I asked?

Yeah. I put one in the dining room.

And you're absolutely sure it's a mousetrap that you bought?

Of course! What other sorts of traps are there?

Ho-ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho.

-GROANING

-Fantastic! Santa Claus!

-Ow-ow-ow!

-Yeah, I must have bought the wrong box.

Right, well take it back and get the right one, will you, please?

-Ho-ho-ho.

-Sorry about that.

-Sorry about this, mate.

-Aghh.

HE GROANS

Ohh.

-You must be busy this time of year.

-That's one way of putting it.

-What's your name?

-It's Peter. Peter Collins.

Hm. It says I've got you down for a remote-controlled helicopter.

-Yes!

-Yeah, like that's going to happen!

Oh. Ohh!

MOUSE LAUGHS

-Ben, you'll miss the bus.

-I know. I'm looking for my maths book.

I thought I left it on the sofa.

Aghh!

What are you doing with my maths book?

No! Oh, it's my fancy hat. Mm, nice.

That's not a fancy hat, that's a maths book.

-I'm late for school so give it back.

-No!

Tony take it. It's my new fancy hat.

It's much too sophisticated for a stupid little boy.

I haven't got time for this.

Not so fast!

Maybe you can have your hat back if I ask you a question.

-Just hurry up.

-Oh, I'll just think of a good one.

Try and focus. Yeah, I'm trying to concentrate but I get nervous.

Take some deep breaths. It's just the pressure thing.

I don't want to pressure you but time's ticking now.

Oh, I've got it now. I got it.

How many...

-..fingers am I holding up?

-Is it three?

Oh, it's three! Ohh! How did you get that? Impossible!

Stupid maths book! Ohh!

I hate maths! It's on the curriculum, nothing you can do.

I don't care any more!

Until you're 16, you can't get out of it.

I don't even know what 16 is!

You should've paid attention in maths!

-Come on, Ben, you'll miss the bus.

-OK, found it.

Oh, have you seen my handbag, by the way?

Hat! Hat, hat! Hat!

Yeah, yeah! Well, I followed the recipe completely

but I added a bit of nutmeg.

I think it's going to be the best pie ever.

Oh, Mum, thank you for the cook book.

You know how much I like cooking, making and eating custard pies.

It's like the best thing in the world, even though this one

took me five hours to make. Yeah! Yeah!

No, literally almost five hours!

My flatmate? Yeah, he's called Clive.

No, he seems great. A lot of fun, yeah.

Yeah, a lot of fun. OK, bye! Bye!

Are you done in the kitchen? I was going to make some tea.

No, absolutely. There's just... I've left the pie to set.

HE WHISTLES

CROWD OOH AND AHH

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

-DOORELL RINGS

-I've come to read the gas meter.

Just point us in the right direction.

The... The, er, gas meter is, erm...

-Is, erm... It's just over there.

-Right.

MONKEY SCREECHES

CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

I'm sorry, mate. I'm so sorry.

Ohh!

OK, er, thanks for doing this.

-As you know, it's just a very short advert for the blueberries.

-Yeah.

You stand there and say what's in the script,

make out you love the blueberries. We'll sort it all in the edit,

-make you look attractive, that kind of thing.

-Sorry... What you saying?

Er, this is Keith. He'll be on sound today.

Right, let's go! We'll have this done in a few minutes.

You know what I love?

-Blueberries.

-SHE BREAKS WIND

-Cut!

-Oh, sorry. Was there a problem?

-I must have held them too high.

-No, that was fine. That was fine.

Erm, there was just a slight... There was a little noise.

-Did you catch that, Keith?

-Yep, I heard that.

-Right.

-Didn't hear anything.

-Try again.

-Yep, fine. No problem.

Do you know what I love? Blueberries.

-SHE BREAKS WIND

-Cut!

Another problem, was there? Problem with the camera?

-No, the camera's fine. There's just that little noise again.

-Oh!

-Did you catch it?

-Yep. I think I've lost the hearing in one ear.

Not surprised. Er, so maybe just one more time, see how that goes.

Well, OK, if you say so. Your time you're wasting.

And action.

You know what I love? Blueberries.

SHE BREAKS WIND

-Ah, hello, Simon.

-Headmaster. Governor.

-What have you got to show us today, Simon?

-This is an excellent game.

-A real bit of fun.

-Something everyone can play?

Everyone! From eight to, er, about 74.

-Very good. That's a tick.

-I call it

Which One's The Poison?

If you're lucky, you get a delicious flavoured drink.

-And if you're unlucky?

-You drink the poison!

Simon, are you aware you should never, ever drink poison?

Yeah! Yeah, that's the beauty of it!

Only one of these bottles contains poison! So, who wants a go?

No? OK. I'll do it first

just to show you how simple and fun it is.

Right, I will pay my 10p.

That can go straight to the donkey sanctuary.

Now, which one shall I pick? Oh! Ooh, bit nervous. Which one?

-Simon, I really don't think you should.

-Ah, there it is!

Yeah, that feels right! My lucky one!

My lucky drink! Here we go.

HE CHOKES

Ohh! Aghh!

-Oh, that's the poison!

-Simon!

-Aghh!

-I just drank poison!

-Simon, what do we do?

Aghh. We need to play the next game.

-What other game?

-Which One's The Antidote?

So, what do you reckon? Will you let me know?

-We'll let you know.

-Aghh!

'Sticky Martin. He's got the stickiest hands in the world.'

BIRD SQUAWKS

No!

Brave Vikings, Aegir, god of the sea, has smiled upon us

and blessed us with many thousand of delicious herring!

Enough herring to see us through the winter time! So, relax

and enjoy your herring feast!

ALL: Yes, chief.

What's the matter? You don't seem to be enjoying your herring feast.

To be honest, I don't want to speak for my Viking friends,

but I think we're all a little bit sick of herring.

-HE BELCHES

-There is something we could try.

A delicious new snack from the new world.

It goes by the name of "pop-corn".

You just stick it in the microwave for three minutes

and it turns into a huge amount of popcorn

-and there are three flavours! Butter.

-ALL: Ooh!

-Sweet.

-ALL: Ooh!

-And...herring.

-THEY SIGH

-Shall I give it a go, chief?

-Well, yes, very well.

We shall try this popcorn.

So, you just put the pouch in here

and put it on for three minutes.

-POPPING / THEY SQUEAL

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

POPPING / THEY SQUEAL

MICROWAVE STOPS

-Now then, who fancies some herring?

-Oh, yes, please!

-Delicious!

THUNDER BOOMS

I'm looking for a Mr Faraway or a Mr Elevenses. Hello?

Looking for them? Found them, you have. Good day to you.

Have you got any fish? Ask him if he's got any fish.

-Not now, Mr Faraway.

-I do beg your pardon. Splash.

Yeah. I've got a delivery here for the Museum of...

BOTH: Imagination!

-Yeah, that's it. Sign here, please.

-I'm afraid I cannot!

I know nothing of your world of forms and signing.

I know only of the magical underwater kingdom from whence I came.

Mr Faraway has recently learned that he is descended from

a long line of mermaids.

Splash! Comb golden hair. Chat to seahorse about pearls.

-He doesn't look like a mermaid.

-You said something about a delivery.

Yes. I've got a load of artefacts here for you.

-Artefacts?

-Yeah. I've got Excalibur, the sword of King Arthur,

some UFO remains from Roswell and an actual ghost in a bottle.

And you have these artefacts... there?

Yeah. I tell you, they weigh a metric ton.

This way, sir! Let us show you the many wonders

-that the Museum...

-BOTH: ..of Imagination...

-..has to offer.

-Yeah, well, I'm only really here to deliver these.

Hush! Now, under this cloth lies the head of Medusa,

-the snake-headed monster.

-Legend has it

-that those who met her gaze would turn to stone!

-Stone!

-Stone!

So gaze not into her eyes,

but instead look upon her severed head...

BOTH: ..in your imagination!

Oh, I get it. It's something for the kids, is it?

The kids, he says? Are these exhibits for the kids?

Walk this way!

Beneath this cloth lies a pint of blood

taken from the dragon slain by the hand of St George himself!

-I thought that was just a myth.

-I am a myth! A mer-myth.

Although, if I was to meet the right sea creature,

-I would become a mer-missus.

-The blood of a dragon!

More than a millennia old and now you shall see it!

BOTH: In your imagination!

THEY GASP

Right, I'll tell you one thing for certain.

-THEY GASP

-This box is for you.

I don't know how you deal with things,

-but I don't take no for an answer. I'm not taking it back.

-BOTH: Well!

-BOTH: What a predicament!

-Yes, what a predicament.

Well, let me have a look first into this box.

THEY GASP / SMASHING

My mistake! It is indeed ours.

How exciting, Mr Elevenses! I can't wait to tell the dolphins.

Mr delivery man, please take from us a tip as an apology for this mix-up.

Oh. Oh, well, thanks very much.

BOTH: In your imagination!

-Another crisis averted.

-HE LAUGHS

-Fish, Mr Faraway?

-Ooh, don't mind if I do!

Splash. Ha! Splash. Ha! Splash. Ha!

"If you require refreshments, the trolley will now pass through."

Trolley coming through!

Please make room for the trolley service, please.

Any drinks at all? Any drinks or snacks from the trolley service?

Could I just squeeze by to get to my seat, please?

-Squeeze by?

-Of course not.

You might squash the cheese biscuits.

Or flatten a ham and cheese panini. We cannot allow it.

-You'll have to move to another seat.

-My bag's over there.

Yeah, well, you can get another one. Now please, out of the way!

-We have got limited room!

-Any drinks or snacks?

-Excuse me.

-Yes, what is it?

-I'd like a chocolate bar, please.

-A chocolate bar.

Chocolate bar. No.

-No. No.

-Why are all the wrappers empty?

-There's been a chocolate strike.

-What?

-A chocolate strike in...Switzerland.

-Germany.

-Birmingham.

-Wherever chocolate's made, because of the cows.

-Sheep.

-Cats.

So you're going to have to go without, I'm afraid. Goodbye!

-Trolley coming through.

-I think that wrapper's got one in.

-Look! A triple rainbow!

-A what?

As you can see, this one's actually empty, as well.

-So there's no chocolate?

-You should be grateful!

Chocolate is very bad for you! Isn't it, Colin?

SQUELCHING / BUBBLING

Oh, no. Oh, Colin, not again. We've just had your uniform dry-cleaned!

Clear the aisle, please! I have to perform an emergency evacuation!

Trolley coming through! Hold it in, Colin, hold it in.

-Just a minute.

-I don't know if I can, Malcolm.

-It's coming!

-Oh, there is it.

Dinner for table number one.

SMASHING

Your food.

Would you like any drinks?

-No.

-No, we'll be fine, thank you.

-We're absolutely fine.

-Good morning!

-It's the afternoon.

-Is it?

I do not care because today I shall break a world record!

-If you don't mind, I'm rather busy...

-Just think,

when I break a world record, I'll be out of your hair forever!

-Yes. Yes, I'm all ears.

-Today I shall be attempting to break

the world record for the world's most identical twins.

I'm pretty sure you need someone else.

I would like to introduce you to my identical twin brother, Mike!

-Pretty amazing, eh?

-In a word, no.

What are you on about? Look at him! Look at me! We've both got two eyes!

Our ears are both on either side of our heads

and our noses are in the same place, both of our mouths

are full of these hard white things.

Teeth. They're called teeth. I'm sorry, that is just not good enough.

I've got two eyes and two ears but we're far from being identical.

He has! We could be triplets! Long-lost triplets!

How can we ever make up the time? Think of all the years we've lost!

-I'll give you this, you're both identically irritating.

-I told you.

Today we shall break a world record!

Right, well, the first test of how identical you are is height.

I'm afraid if you fail this, you haven't broken the record.

Bring it on!

-Uh-huh.

-Aha!

Ah. Well, what a surprise. You aren't the same height.

-How tall am I?

-One metre 60.

-How tall is he?

-Two metres 30.

BOTH: Ohh! So close!

Are you sure that tape measure's working?

Course number seven.

# Hey, hey, hey

# Hey, hey, hey

# You know I can do it better than you

# I can do it even better in broken heels

# Hey, hey, hey

# Hey, hey, hey

# All the ladies tell the fellas we can do what they can do

# And we can do it even better...

I'm very sorry but we've run out of big cake.

Can I get you anything else?

-Absolutely lovely day!

-Beautiful weather!

-Yes!

-Oh, good day, tiny fellow!

-What are you doing near a lake?

-Oh, pedalos.

-Oh, that's nice. We love dogs!

Yes! Especially poodles. We'll take the whole lot! Wrapped.

-No, no, no, pedalos.

-Pedicure?

-Piccolo?

-Boogaloo?

-Higgle-piggle?

Peddle-powered boats. Take a trip around the lake?

-How charming!

-I could do with building up my thigh strength.

Got to be in tip-top condition for a weightlifting competition.

-I'm hoping to impress Dr Conway with my clean and jerk!

-Ooh!

So we will take a go on one of your portaloos.

OK. Great. Would you like half an hour or a full hour?

-How could we possibly know?

-I only had three cakes and a meringue

for elevenses! Who knows how long I'll last on your piddle pool?

I need to know how much to charge you.

-Ohh!

-Money?

-Lucra!

-Cash?

-Bread!

-Coinage?

Oh, I should've known this shifty fellow

-would try to cheat us out of our precious coins!

-You fiscal ferret!

-Nothing's free these days.

-No! Apart from the wifi in the internet cafe.

-And you have to have a computer to eat that!

-Yes!

When I go in there, I can hear it inside my head. It goes...

-Screeee!

-Dang-dang-dang! Ahhhh-ee-ahhhh!

-Brrrr-ding!

-Padaaaah!

-In the end, it turned out Prudith's coffee was too hot.

-I burnt my face!

-I tell you, these portaloos won't come cheap, either.

-Oh, no.

-It'll be double if you want to peddle.

-Extra for the lifejacket.

There'll be all sorts of money for those ducks!

-All this water will need to be moved.

-It will do! And removed!

I shouldn't think you'll get much change out of £1,000.

-£1,000?

-It's what these things cost these days!

-Well, it's too much, £1,000!

-No, look, ladies, it's £3...

-£1,000!

-It's too much, £1,000!

-It's absurd, £1,000!

I won't pay it, £1,000, just to peddle on your floaty boats!

Are you insane? Come, Jasmine. We shall book ourselves a cruise

to the Bahamas on one of those popular diamond yachts!

I hope somebody puts a pepper in your pillow

-and piddles on your poodle-pond!

-Good day!

I loved you in Mission Impossible! It's Tom Cruise, we met Tom Cruise.

Jasper!

Jasper! Jasper!

You haven't seen my dog, have you? I let him off the lead for a minute

-and he's disappeared.

-OK, what does he look like?

-He's quite big, he's white with black spots.

-Isn't that him there?

Ohh! One more go, come on. Here we go.

-Yes! Ha-ha!

-Jasper!

-Ohh!

-You naughty boy!

I've been so worried about you!

-We've still got 20 minutes on the court!

-What did you say?

Er...woof. Definitely woof.

-I'm Eddie Big!

-Tony take it, it's mine.

-I'll get you, Philippe!

-Witch! She's a witch!

Maybe my bees can help.

-£1,000!

-£1,000!

BOTH: In your imagination!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail [email protected]

.