Episode 4 Sorry I've Got No Head

# La, la, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la. #

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-OMG, Sades!

-Yeah, Jades?

-Know what's hot right now?

-What's hot right now?

-Lady Gaga is so hot.

-Lady Gaga is so hot.

-Lady Gaga is so hot right now.

Oh, she's like totally amazable and things.

And she makes up words and stuff. And when she says like, # Gaga woo rah-rah #

and people are like, "What does it mean?" She's like, "It's art."

She's totally like making noises and blowing the squares' minds!

Totes! And like she wears really weird stuff on her head.

And it's like really LOL random.

She'll like wear something totally random on her head. And next day it's something else random.

Like a weird pair of tights or some meat or something.

And imagine if like the Gaga was like your friend and she came to your house!

Like on a Saturday when your friends come over

and you're hanging out in your jim-jams, watching Strictly Come Dancing?

And she comes dressed like an ant and want to do all her own songs on Songstar?

OMG. And she'd like totes laugh at your pyjamas!

You'd be like, "Gaga, chill. This is like girl time.

"Hanging out in our jim-jams and doing some face packs.

"And you like scream of effort."

Lady Gaga is like so cry hard and effort and stuff.

-And I've heard she sings all her songs through a robot.

-Robots are so not hot.

-The Gaga is so not hot.

-So not hot.

-So...

-not...

-hot.

Eughh!

Well, all these cakes look absolutely marvellous.

But who's won?

Well, it's time to award the prizes.

And in third place, this beautiful Madeira cake

is cake number five.

Oh! Well, in second place,

a really rich chocolatey beast,

is cake number three.

Oh! Um...

Well, at least we can award first prize

to this wonderful light and moist

cream sensation.

It's really good. Really good.

This is definitely the one.

First prize.

What?

That's better.

-Merry lunch time to you.

-Hello.

So you'll be wanting lunch. Are you a healthy young man?

Be careful. It could be a trap.

Yes. Lunch. Healthy.

Yeah. So you'll need your five a day.

Yes, of course. Five a day.

That's what I'll have. Five portions of veg, please.

A healthy choice, young man.

One...

Two...

-Pineapple?!

-What did you say?

I said it's lovely.

..Three.

..Four.

There's only four there. Where's number five?

Oh. You want number five, do you?

-What are you doing?

-Do you want number five?

No, it's fine, honestly.

ALARM BLEEPS

Lettuce?

That's not so bad.

So lettuce is number five?

No, no, no.

That's number five!

Ha, ha, ha!

-Then he turned into a giant robot with guns for arms!

-Boo-boo-boo!

-What were we talking about?

-No idea. Have another sandwich.

Always!

-DOORBELL

-Oh, whoever could that be?

MUFFLED SPEECH

I don't think it is Simon Cowell in just his pants,

but we'll have a look.

Oh, it's young Neville!

-Oh, your nephew. Has he come to apologise?

-What for?

-Young people are always up to something.

-Very true.

-What have you done?

-He hasn't done anything.

-Who are you?

-I'm Neville's scout leader.

We're going around collecting sponsorship.

-Spinster's hip?

-Monster ship?

-Skinny dip.

No, no. Sponsorship. Tell them, Neville.

-FEEBLY:

-I'm running a half-marathon for charity.

-I love a run!

-Really?

-Yes, absolutely adore a run!

I often get up early in the morning and have a run

and then maybe have ten more runs during the day.

No, dear. You're thinking of a bun! You love a bun!

Yes, I do love a bun. I've got sticky lips.

OK. I take it you'll be sponsoring Neville.

-He was worried about asking you.

-They're weird!

I always say it's worth asking family first, isn't it? Charity begins at home.

No! Charity begins with a C. Like cage-fighter.

So, tell us. What will this sponsoring involve?

Will we have to chuck a stick for him and he'll run after it?

We could chase him with a stick. That'll make him run harder!

No, just decide how much you're willing to pay per mile for him to run, then we add up...

Look what you've done!

-Did he say what I thought he said?

-"Willing to pay"!

-Willing...

-..to pay!

-To pay!

-Willing to pay!

-Money?

-Nothing's free these days.

-Apart from my bra.

-Is it?

Yes. I found it in a bin. Both bags were filled with rubble.

Thought I smelt something. This sponsorship won't be cheap.

-You'll have to pay a pound per mile.

-And extra for kilometres.

-And the use of the legs.

-And the running hat.

-And running shoes.

-Running water.

-The running face that goes like this...

That's expensive!

I shouldn't think, when it's all added up, you'll get change from £1,000!

-A thousand pounds?

-I'd say that.

-It's too much, £1,000.

-Ridiculous.

I suppose it's what it costs.

-Most people are donating about five pounds.

-A thousand pounds!

-£1,000 is absurd!

-It's disgusting!

Come, we shall charter flights to the 2018 Commonwealth Games in Sri Lanka!

We will stay in a luxurious hotel and book a private box

and watch proper runners, not you!

I hope you call at somebody's house explaining this sponsorship nonsense

and they reply by saying, "Thing is, I support a lot of other charities, so I'll leave it."

Go away!

Then come back. You're very sweet.

Snap!!

Did I win?

Wait! Hello!

-Do you go to the high street?

-£1.40.

I need to get to the dry cleaner's, you see.

I sat on a park bench and didn't notice it was wet paint.

It's no picnic getting paint out of silk, I can tell you.

£1.40.

Sorry.

Just one moment. There's ten.

That's 30.

Sorry.

Sorry.

34.

Oh, that's a Norwegian kroner.

I don't know how that...

I'll tip it out.

Oh.

Looks like I've actually only got £1.39.

Don't suppose you could, um...

Fine.

-Here's a tenner.

-Sorry, mate. I don't give change.

What?!

"Exact change only"?

If you pay with a tenner, I can't give you any money back.

£10 for a journey into town? That's not fair!

-Nothing I can do about it.

-Could you let me off the one penny?

-Listen,

mate, you want to get on this bus,

you pay full fare. Otherwise, you get off. I've got passengers waiting.

Fine.

OK.

Witch! She's a witch!

CHANTING: Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch!

Hee-hee! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch!

RHYTHMIC CHANT: Witch! Witch!

There we go! £1.39.

Oh!

Can anyone drive a bus?

Well, um, I suppose I'll walk.

It's a nice day for a walk.

RIPPING SOUND

Oh, no!

The paint's still wet!

Right, well, the tests are back and I'm afraid to say you've got MTS,

-or Movie Trailer Syndrome.

-He was an ordinary man

-with an extraordinary secret.

-Yeah.

You'll say everything as if it's the tag line for a summer blockbuster film.

She was a doctor, who didn't play it by the rules.

No, I'm just a doctor.

In a world where you don't know the answer, sometimes you've got to be wrong to be right.

I'm going to give you a course of tablets.

In a world that didn't make any sense,

being crazy was the only way to be sane.

I'll double the dose.

Double Dose, starring Jack Lee and Jackie Chan.

Sounds good, actually. Where's it on?

I don't think it exists. I...

Mum! Dad!

I'm going to the school play.

Aghh!

Well, you didn't think we'd let you go without wishing you luck?

-Thanks.

-Because, goodness me, you're going to need all the luck you can get.

-Why?

-Acting in the school play?

-So much could go wrong.

-Could it?

-You could forget your lines.

-Trip over the set.

-Burp during a quiet serious bit.

The play's called Mr Windy Silly Trousers. There are no quiet serious bits!

Anyway, everything could all go wrong and you'd be in front of the whole school,

-humiliated.

-People would laugh - at you, not with.

-Then they'd call you things like "Mr Forgetty Lines."

-Captain Trip-Over Set.

-That's if anyone's still talking to you.

-Then your disastrous error would play on your mind

possibly ruining the entire rest of your life.

Hardly the most encouraging send-off!

-Just thinking of you, son.

-Trying to stop you from messing up.

-Are you coming to watch?

-Oh, no, we're going to stay in

and watch some proper actors on TV.

Well, I probably won't go and do the play, then.

-I'll just stay in and watch television.

-That's the spirit, son.

Quit while you're ahead.

No. I'm going to do the play and I'm going to do it really, really well.

-So brave.

-Frankly, if it all goes well, I'll eat my hat.

-I'm back!

-Oh. How did it go?

It was great! I got a standing ovation,

and there was a Hollywood agent there who signed me as the next James Bond.

And Harry Potter. And I got an Oscar.

So... Are you going to eat your hat?

Eat your hat!

Pass the ketchup.

If you want my advice,

never ask the ice cream man what the rhinoceros flavour is.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, step right up for the thrill of a lifetime!

A chance to have a go in a hot air balloon!

Excuse me.

-Yo!

-Can I have a go?

-Sorry. What?

I'd like a go in the hot air balloon. How much?

Oh, you know, we are really busy. Don't know if I can fit you in.

Join the queue.

Oh. OK.

Excuse me, is this the queue?

Yeah.

-Aren't I at the front of it?

-I suppose you are, yeah.

Brilliant. How high does the balloon go? It's so exciting.

I'll tell you what, instead of going in a hot air balloon,

why not go canoeing on the river instead?

Almost the same thing.

-It's not the same at all!

-It is.

They go along, you go up.

All right. How about going on a nature trail?

You can see badgers, this time of year. Badgers.

-Badgers?

-This time of year.

-Hang on.

Do you not want me to go in the balloon?

You think because I'm a snowman you can treat me as a second-class citizen?

No, it's just that this, as its name implies is a HOT AIR balloon.

Call the newspapers. Get the TV crews down here.

Prejudice alive and well in the world of ballooning!

-All right, all right! You can have a go. All right?

-Good.

Ha! Thank you!

Is this really as high as it goes?

This is rubbish. I've been on ladders higher than this!

-Sorry.

-But I've seen balloons go really high in the sky.

-Don't you pull on this to make it go up?

-Not a good idea!

Don't start that again, Buster.

I've paid my money and if I say we're going higher, we're going higher. Out my way.

You might want to stand back. The flames get a bit...

Yeah, now that I think about it, hot air ballooning isn't for me.

I'll probably go on the nature trail instead.

Um, do you happen to know where I can get hold of some coal, a carrot maybe?

-No?

-Nah.

-Sorry.

-OK.

-Sorry.

Do we have to come outside? It's supposed to be my birthday treat.

And this is a treat. A lovely game of French "bow-les".

Ah, les boules! J'adore les boules!

-Formidable!

-"Boules"?

It would be wonderful if Philippe could teach us a traditional French pastime.

Lots of boys would be delighted to have an exchange student here!

He's your exchange student! He's been here for 20 years!

It's my birthday. I wanted to go for pizza.

That would hardly be fair on Philippe, eating a food he doesn't understand.

Now, how do we...

Philippe, how...

-Quoi?

-How playez?

-Quoi?

The bow-les. I think I remember.

I think the point of the game is you get this white ball and throw it as far as you can

and then you have to get the other balls as close to it as possible.

OK.

GLASS SMASHES IN DISTANCE

Idiot!

-Sorry?

-Idiot!

-Again?

-Simpleton!

-I don't know what you're saying.

I think you got it wrong. You're supposed to throw it a shorter distance.

There, we're learning already!

I'll just get us a couple of rotisserie chickens to snack on and you two crack on!

-Yes! Take that!

-Beginner's luck!

Hey, you can't do that!

I can. I can do what I want. It's my game.

That is so unfair!

One of these days, Dad is going to find out that you can speak English

and you're a cheat!

No, he is not, Danny. I've told you before.

You keep your mouth shut. Fermez la bouche!

Or quoi?

Now, then, who wants a lovely rotisserie chicken?

Aghh! Aghh!

Mon pied!

Whatever is going on here?

Le boule de Denis sur mon pied! Aghh!

You've dropped a ball onto his foot?!

-No! He did it!

-Non, non, c'etait lui!

Lui! Le boule de Danny sur mon pied!

Pourquoi, Danny? Pourquoi?

He's hardly going to drop a ball on his own foot.

I suppose you did it because he was winning, did you?

He wasn't! He can speak Eng...

No, not another word.

No rotisserie chicken for you. Bed.

Rien de poulet pour vous! Bonne anniversaire, Danny!

-Au revoir!

-I'm going to get you, Philippe Lavavaseur!

Oh, what's that smell?

Oh, that's high!

Ooh, what is that?

That's distinctive!

What IS that?

-Spearmint?

-No.

-Lavender?

-No.

-Gunpowder?

-No.

-It's candles.

-Nonsense!

Ooh! Nonsense? My nose does not tell nonsense.

Happy birthday!

Goodness gracious!

You? 12? Pull the other one!

Emily and Monty Forrest, two of the country's least successful theatre performers,

are mounting their very own production.

They'll produce, direct and star in the show.

They'll also build the set.

Good morning!

Or as we say in musical theatre,

# Good morning, good morning, good, good, good morning

# Good morning, good morning, good morning to you

# Good morning, good morning

# G-O-O-D morning

# He-e-ey! #

Such a precious gift she has.

-I shall never abuse me power!

-Absolutely not.

But we're not singing or dancing today.

Wup! Better put them away!

Indeedio! Because today's more hands on. A bit more practical.

-Because we're building a set.

-Every good show needs a set.

-Because we couldn't afford to get anybody in...

-A-hem!

Yes. Because we made the artistique decision to build all our own stuff,

I've knocked this up. All my own work.

It's only just the beginning!

But you'd better not lean against that.

Yeah. Unfortunately, Emily, my hand is stuck to it.

-Fresh varnish.

-He's such a silly buffoon!

-I'm a colossal goat!

-It's OK. I can probably prise it off with my other hand.

-Monty, no!

That is surprisingly sticky varnish.

It's all right. I'll just live here.

After a mild technical setback, Emily and Monty are back in action.

How's it going, Emily?

We're all sorted now.

Soon got Monty out of that little fix.com, didn't we?

No worries, mate!

You barely notice it.

-That varnish should unstick itself in a matter of...

-Hours.

-Weeks.

Time waits for no man, nay lady. We'd better get cracking. We've got to build the set for the house.

That house won't build itself. That falls to Emily Forrest and Monty Flaphands!

A few hours later, Emily and Monty have made up in enthusiasm

for what they lack in any sort of skill.

-Are you pleased with your work?

-Oh, I'm as pleased as Punch,

if Punch has woken up on Christmas morning

and discovered he's got everything he asked for plus extra pudding, high-five me!

Ouch!

It may not look like much,

but this thing is as strong as Mr Strong from the Mr Men!

It could withstand a hurricane!

Not put off by the previous two failures or the failures before that,

Emily and Monty work tirelessly at their set.

-All done, Emily?

-Yes, indeedy-pops.

The set for our spectacular opening is...

da-da-da-da... done!

Tell you what, this one is going nowhere.

It's stronger than an Oxo cube!

Tell you what, Montague, what thee and me need

is a nice cup of the Rosie Lee!

Decode! She means tea!

It might have taken us ten hours, Monty,

but we've got ourselves a really good set.

Do you think we've got it?

We've definitely got it!

Having trouble getting reception on your mobile phone?

Tried everywhere in the house and you can't get any bars?

That's because you're using a potato, you fool!

Just because you've written numbers on it, doesn't make it a phone.

What are you cooking there?

That's your phone, you total buffoon!

You're cooking your phone and dialling a potato!

Get out of my sight! You're so silly, you make me sick.

Oh, what? What the blazes has gone on here?

Me whites are all pink!

Oh, I don't believe it!

Stupid big red pants!

They're not mine!

-Whose stupid big red pants are these?

-Just keep quiet!

-Nothing embarrassing going on here.

-Answer me!

What's all this racket? What's going on?

There's a problem with me whites! Someone has got their big red pants

mixed in with my whites and now they're all pink!

You've no idea whose pants they are? Are there any clues?

What do I look like? Nancy Drawers?

The underwear detective?

Oh, no.

Hang on, there's a label on here.

Lou... Louis... Louise.

Is anybody here called Louise?

If so, you've lost your big red pants!

Don't draw attention to yourself.

Nobody knows your name.

Right. I'll ask this one more time.

Is there somebody here who's called Louise

who's lost their big red pants, who's put her big red pants in my washing

thereby ruining my washing and also has her name

in her pants?

Um, well, maybe nobody's noticed.

-Hello!

-Oh, I was wondering when you were going to turn up.

You're normally here earlier.

I've been preparing. I wanted to get this one just right.

Today I'll attempt to break the world record for the high jump.

Right.

Patricia, can I have the world record for the high jump, please?

-Do you watch Junior Apprentice?

-No. I've never heard of it.

Don't worry about it. Fine.

PHONE RINGS

Yes?

Thank you, Patricia. Patricia, you're fired!

The world record for the high jump stands at two metres, 45 centimetres.

-Hah! Easy! I could do that sitting down.

-Really?

But I'll do it the normal way first.

-Excellent.

-I'll just get my stuff.

It's outside in my bag.

There we go.

Right.

Just do my run up.

Come on, Matt! Here we go!

World record-tastic!

Here we go!

Ahhh!

Yes! I've done it!

I've finally broken the world record!

Wa-hey! Where's my certificate?

Oh, speech.

I'd like to thank my family for sticking by me, even though we've not spoken in a while.

There's a lot of love going out to my two pet fish, Charles and Eddie.

You're big guys, and you've been there for me.

-I could not have done it without the help of this man here.

-You're supposed to jump over the bar.

What?! That's impossible!

That's why it's a world record!

Right.

Um...

Look over there, it's Alesha Dixon out of Strictly Come Dancing

doing a dance!

Done it! Over the bar!

No. I saw you move the bar.

-Did you?

-Yes.

How high did I do?

30 centimetres.

-What's the record?

-Two metres 45 centimetres.

Ooh! So close!

Oh!

-I'll get all this stuff out, I suppose.

-Yeah.

Hello. I'm sorry, I've lost my dog.

Somebody said they'd seen him round here. I'm worried about him.

-Big dog, white with black spots?

-Yes.

-We saw him wandering about lost. He's through here.

There you are! Naughty Jasper!

You had me worried.

Oh!

I had Andy Murray to match point!

What did you say?

Um, er, woof!

I definitely said woof.

# La, la, la, la, la, la. #

It's mine!

I'll get you, Philippe!

Witch! She's a witch!

Maybe my bees can help.

-A thousand pounds!

-A thousand pounds!

In your imagination!