Episode 5 Sorry I've Got No Head

-Hullo, what can I get you?

-A hot dog.

-Right, ketchup, onions, mustard?

-Just ketchup.

There. One hot dog with onions and mustard.

I wanted ketchup.

-Oh, there you go. That'll be £2.50.

-I don't want onions and mustard.

-No?

-Yeah.

-Yes there are.

-What?

There's onions and mustard right there.

I don't want onions and mustard.

Right! My mistake, sorry, I'll get you another one.

One hot dog with mustard and onions.

-I said I no onions and mustard.

-So I gave you mustard and onions.

-That's the same.

-No, I put the onions on first.

I don't want mustard and onions.

Make your mind up!

-I don't like either of them. I just want ketchup.

-Oh, right.

-What are you doing?

-Giving you just ketchup.

-I don't want just ketchup.

-You want onions and mustard as well.

Stop putting food in my hands!

Oh, you want me to put it straight in your mouth.

-Stop it!

-OK.

-Listen to me!

-Happy to, let's get this sorted.

-I would like, a jumbo hot dog, in a hot dog roll.

-Oh, right.

With no onions.

-But loads of mustard!

-No!

-No onions, like you said.

-Aaargh!

-Absolutely. Ketchup?

-Aaagh!

-Something wrong?

-I don't like mustard.

Oh right! One hot dog roll, yeah?

With one hot dog in.

-I'm sorry.

-What now?

I'm out of hot dogs.

SLOW DRUMMING

SQUEALING

OMG. This cinnamon plumping lip gloss is like, so hot right now.

It's so hot right now.

-OMG, Jade?

-Sade's?

-It says here that legs are in this summer.

-Legs are in?

-Legs are in.

-Know what's so hot right now?

-What?

-Legs, legs are so in.

-Legs are so in. What's out?

-It says here, bums.

-Bums?

-Yeah.

-The skinny jean trend means that legs are in and...

-Bums are out.

-Bums are out.

-Legs are in.

-In?

-In.

-Out.

-Out.

-Tot's.

Legs are SO hot right now.

Legs are hot cos you can, like, put tights on your legs and trousers?

-You can't, like, put that on a bum?

-What is a bum even for?

It's like, I'm so tot's over bums,

like all we want know are celebrity legs, like fashionista legs?

Legs are like vital for a transeasonal wardrobe.

-OMG, but you know who's got legs?

-Who's got legs?

-Dannii Minogue.

-Oh, Dannii Minogue? Urgh, she's so not hot.

Dannii Minogue so has legs.

You know who else has legs? Mrs Baker that does Geography.

OMG. She's like, so tot's not hot.

Leg's are so not hot.

-Not hot?

-Not.

-Hot.

-Urgh.

-Urgh.

-BELL RINGS

-Yoo-hoo! Little man.

-We're here for our 2.30 appointment with Guido.

-What?

-I'm having a shampoo and set.

I'm having a rinse, highlights and dreadlock extensions.

If there's time, they'll shave her back.

You're in the wrong place.

But this, surely, is Guido's lady hair salon.

-Where's Guido?

-Probably out back, waxing his pompadour.

The tease. The Italian accent, the moustache that goes on forever.

The missing eye.

I think you're in the wrong place. This is an ice rink.

-Spice drink?

-Rice honk?

-Lice place.

-I stink.

-Oh, you do.

-Yes, I know.

No, no, an ICE rink.

I mean, it doesn't even look remotely like a hair dressers.

I did wonder why Guido had installed a massive, frozen, watery thing

where all the hairdryers used to be.

-I'm sure it said hairdressers outside.

-I read the sign.

-Mind you, neither of us can read.

-No.

-So what's your icy splink for?

-Oh, people skate around.

-Yes, then what?

-That's it, just skate around.

-Is there a reward at the end?

-No.

What's the point of that?

I never do a thing without the promise of a glazed ham.

You know, skating's fun, it's fast, it's good exercise.

-We do like things that are fun.

-Certainly do. Fun is my middle name.

-No it isn't. It's Lennox.

-Technically, yes.

-Lennox?

-It was a mix-up at the christening.

-A fight.

-So, two adults for a skating session.

You'll need to hire skates?

-Come again?

-Beg pardon?

-Do what, chief?

-Hire? HIRE?

As in, grant the use of

for a temporary period of time for an agreed sum of money?

You need to hire skates, and pay for the session.

Pay? Why, you sneaky, slidey, skatey, snake-oil salesman, you.

-Nothing's free these days.

-Apart from hand dryers in the toilets.

They won't dry clothes. Not with the state of my pants.

This ice skooting malarkey won't come cheap.

It'll be extra for the skoots.

-Twice as much if you want them on both feet.

-More for the ice.

They'll charge you to fall over. Double to get up again.

Triple NOT to fall over.

I would've thought you won't get much change out of £1,000.

-£1,000?

-I should say about £1,000.

-It's too much, £1,000. I shan't pay.

-It's what these things cost.

No, look, it's £4 for the skate hire...

-Ah, £1,000.

-He said it.

-With his own mouth.

There you go, £1000 just to slide about on your mouse rink

without even the promise of a glazed ham at the end.

It's shocking, £1000. I feel sick.

Come, Jasmine, let's book a cruise to the Antarctic,

fly a private jet up a glacier

and skate down on the back of a gold walrus.

I hope you fall over on the ice and your tongue sticks to it,

so the only way you can demand assistance

is by shouting "Hulp! Hulp! Hulp!"

-Good day!

-Ah ha!

This is where I say something nice.

-Look at this place.

-This place is absolutely amazing.

Look at the novelty hats.

Yeah! You know what? I'm going to get myself one.

-All right.

-Excuse me...

What do you think?

Erm...

it's good.

Aaah, don't worry Danny.

You don't think I'd leave my bestest pal in the whole world hatless?

No, it's fine.

I got you an extra special super-duper hat.

I cannae wear that.

But I bought it for you!

My bestest pal in the whole world.

It's the best one in the shop.

It cost a fortune.

-Oh, don't.

-Don't you like my gift?

It's massive, it's the biggest hat I've ever seen.

Exactly, which means it's the best. I made it big.

You know how cool we are right now? No-one's got hats like these.

Like, people are going to start following us, copying us.

We are so cool right now. We're the best.

-Uurrgh.

-We're kings.

Having trouble washing the car?

Bird's mess won't come off?

That's because you're using a washing machine, you idiot.

That's for clothes!

Have you taken the whole car apart and rammed it in there?

Well, it's a good thing. People like you don't deserve to be on the road.

Now get out of my sight! Some people.

Ah! I will never pull the sword from the stone, it's useless!

I shall never become rightful King of England. That's irritating.

That's really put a damper on my day.

-Maybe my bees can help.

-I beg thy pardon?

I said, maybe my bees can help.

Sorry, I do not understand what you mean.

Bees are excellent stonemasons.

Using their tiny teeth and special mini hammers

designed just for bees, my bees will fly around your rock

and wear away at the stone until bada-boom-bada-buzz,

-you grab the sword and become king.

-That'll work, will it?

Yes. I'll give them instructions and they'll fly to your aid,

helping you become the rightful King of England.

Cracking!

Buzz, buzz, buzz, lovely man, lovely hat.

Buzz, buzz, so wants to be king. Ha!

Buzz, buzz, loosen the old sword, buzz, buzz, come out easily.

Ooh, almost forgot.

Buzz, buzz!

Now fly, my legend-loving beauties!

-BEES BUZZ

-No, aargh!

No, ooh, ow!

Aargh! No, no!

Well, I've looked at your results,

and it looks to me as if you've got CMT.

-Compulsive Musical Theatre Syndrome.

-# Could it be me?

# Can it be true? #

Yes, and yes. Could you put your arms out for me?

Jazz hands, classic symptoms.

# Doctor, doctor, tell me, what can you do?

# Won't you give me a chance? Won't you give me a clue? #

I'd like you to take these.

-What's this?

-It's bad reviews of your performance.

If you read two a day it should clear up pretty quickly.

Oh, and what does this word mean?

-Turgid?

-Is that good?

No.

-THUNDER

-Hello? Hello?

Is this the museum?

I found this flyer on the back of a dog. Anyone?

-Ah!

-Don't leave, you've only just arrived.

-You must leave before the moon is full.

-Forgive Mr Faraway.

He's undergoing his usual transition from a man into a werewolf.

What a bind! What a bother!

And you should see the hair I shed on the carpet.

Half man, half wolf, all fun. What a curse!

HE HOWLS He's just a brave, little soldier.

He won't miss a day at...

BOTH: The museum of imagination!

-Ah, so I am in the right place.

-THUNDER

Ah, good grief, my fingers, they've turned into hideous claws.

-Not sure they have.

-He seems quite unperturbed,

but I must say you give me the heebie-jeebies.

-Could we get back to the museum?

-Of imagination!

Exactly. I feel I must lay my cards on the table.

I knew it! He's a werewolf hunter, come to end me bloodline!

Ah! Stay back! He is gentle, even though he is a monster.

-No, I am a purchaser of antiquities, for an action house in London.

-Ooh!

I've come to see if there's anything you have that I might purchase.

Well, indeed, come this way.

Beneath this cloth, lies the tooth of Cerberus,

the three-headed dog that guarded the gates to Hades.

You can't be serious!

I am serious and you shall see it

in your imagination-tion-tion!

It is witty and very amusing,

but I'm not sure I can buy it for the auction house.

The hair! Look at the hair, sprouting all over my body.

I am no longer a man.

-I wouldn't say you were any hairier than when I came in.

-Oh!

If only there were more like you,

the world would be a safer place for us lycanthropes.

I'm quite pressed for time. Do you have any actual exhibits?

Yes, indeed. Beneath this cloth, is the Hope Diamond.

The infamous blue gem

stolen from sculpted statue of the goddess Sita and said to be cursed.

The Hope Diamond? That's supposed to be worth, what, £250,000,000?

That's the chap, and you shall see it

in your imagination-tion-tion.

Now, I don't think you're taking this very seriously.

I come here to purchase some antiques in good faith

and you have just mocked me. Good day!

Wait! Please take this complimentary souvenir tea towel,

from another museum, to not remind you of your visit.

-That's very generous.

-Here you are.

-In your imagination!

-Goodbye.

-Oh!

-Didn't he want to see the money tree?

I suppose not. Oh, Mr Faraway, your transformation is almost complete.

Oh!

Which do you think is my best side?

HE HOWLS

-Or this? Yeah?

-HE HOWLS

If you want my advice,

never stand underneath a giant pigeon.

I do not know WHAT he has eaten.

'This is the Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.

'It's an important day at North Barrasay,

'as the staff and pupils prepare for their annual open day.'

So, Valerie, what are you doing to attract new students?

Nothing, really.

The authorities insists we have an open day,

but to be honest, it's a technicality.

We've not had a new application since we opened.

-Hey!

-Can I help you?

We were just passing, saw your sign, thought we'd come round

and have a look. We're thinking of moving to the island.

-This is my daughter, Tina.

-Hi, how are you?

Hey, are you guys making a movie?

No, a documentary. Just pretend the camera's not there.

Oh, OK, right, I stand just here?

Anywhere you like, just act natural.

-HE MOUTHS

-This is Tina.

-Hi, how are you?

-Arh! Hi, I'm Ross!

Roz? Like a girl's name?

-No, like Ross.

-Rooaz.

-No, Ross.

-Rooars.

-Ross.

-Raws.

-That's close enough.

-Have you got a place for my gum?

-Yes, there's a bin there.

Thank you so much, you guys are totally awesome.

-So, Tina, you got any questions?

-Yeah, do you have a basketball team?

No, we're not...

Yes, we love it, we're all about basketball, do you play?

No, but I was like, a cheerleader in my old high school.

Go the bulls, go the bulls, go the bulls, wooh, wooh, wooh!

-High-five, Dad.

-Awesome!

-Woo! Woo!

-That's amazing.

As I say, we're not really set up for basketball.

I will play basketball, miss.

Go Roz, go Roz, go Roz, wooh!

Actually it's Ross.

-But go me!

-Wooh!

'After a brief tour of the school it seems things are going well.'

I must say, you know, this is all really impressive Miss Car-penter.

Do you have any questions, Tina?

I totally love this place, but I have one little question.

Where are all the kids?

-Well, that's the thing about this school.

-The thing is that...

They're all on a day trip. They've gone on a day trip.

No, Ross, please!

There are no other children. We only have one pupil.

-What, Roz?

-Ross.

-Rooz.

-Ross!

-What?

-No, it's pronounced, Ross.

It's all right. She can call me Roz if she wants.

Ross is the only pupil.

But that's kind of weird. Like, no other kids?

That isolation's got to be bad for a kid's development.

-He could turn out to be a real freak.

-No offence, Rose.

-It's Ross.

-Roze?

-Raaws.

-Ross.

-Roors.

You know what? This isn't going to work out. Come on.

-Come on, let's get out of here, honey.

-No!

-Oh, that's a shame.

Bye, Ross.

Huuuu! She said it right.

She said my name right, did you hear her?

Yes, Ross, we heard.

OK.

She said Ross!

OK, Ross, open day's over.

The Zombie News Network,

bringing you the latest zombie news

24 hours a day.

And now, over to Ryan Pinter, live at the opening night

of the National Zombie Ballet's new production.

Yes, Giselle, of course, a classic ballet.

And in this, the opening act, Hilarion, the village huntsman,

returns from his early morning chores

before the home of Giselle, the girl with whom he's in love.

Villagers pass by on their way to the vineyards,

where they will harvest the last of the grapes, before the festival.

APPLAUSE

And then, the courtship begins.

Such power, such grace, such elegance.

SQUELCH

Oh dear, his arm fell off.

That doesn't bode well for the second act.

She's a professional. She moves to dance with Albrecht. Stunning.

SQUELCH Oh!

We might have to come back to this.

BOOING A quick look to the stage manager

and yes, I think it's all over.

Right, I'll put the kettle on.

Oh! Here, did you put that mouse trap down like I asked?

Yeah, I got one in the dining room last night.

You're absolutely sure it was a mouse trap?

Of course! What sort of other traps are there?

ONE MAN BAND PLAYS

-Well, packaging's very similar.

-Go and get the right one.

-What are we going to do with him?

-I don't know.

-Trap him under a cup or something.

-A cup?!

All right then. Don't be frightened.

Yeah, OK. Yeah, yeah!

-TRUMPET BLAST

-Aargh!

MOUSE LAUGHS

Ben, have you got your bus money?

I'm 2p short.

Try down the back of the sofa.

Aaaah! THUMP

# ..Pizza, I'm always in the mood

# Meaty meaty pizza It's Tony's favourite food. #

-Can I have one of those?

-Tony take it. It's MY pizza.

It's all mine. What do you want, you little boy?

I need one of them 2ps. I'm late for the bus!

Twopees? What is twopees?

This is delish pepperoni slices for Tony's pizza.

Why are you always coming here taking my special things?

Look, I just need one of those.

What on Earth are they?

This is anchovy for my meaty, meaty pizza.

But they make Tony burp.

Yes, it's a bit of a problem.

-They're not anchovies.

-Uurgh. They smell like anchovies.

Do you want a lick?

No, I do not. Just give me a 2p.

This is delish pepperoni slices for my pizza.

Tony take, it's mine. It is mine.

Tony take it. Aagh.

You horrible little boy.

He's not so fond of you.

Unless you can answer one of my clever questions.

-Go on then.

-Hmm.

What is Tony's favourite food? Oh, good question.

-Meaty meaty pizza.

-How'd you know that?

It's an impossible question!

It is right though, isn't it? Stupid question!

-Well you...

-I'm just going to take one of those 2ps.

That is mine, mine, idiot.

Well, that makes you an idiot.

Oh, so confused!

Ben, did you find the 2p?

Yeah, I found it.

-Anchovies.

-BURP

Pardon me.

'Ladies and gentlemen, if you require refreshments

'the trolley will pass through the plane.'

Any drinks or snacks? Any drinks or snacks?

-Please keep the aisle clear.

-Snacks or drinks?

-Drinks or snacks?

Excuse me? Excuse me? I'd like some cake.

-What did she say?

-She wants some of our cake.

-Typical!

-Wait, are there any nuts in it? I'm allergic.

-Well...

let's have a look, shall we?

I don't know. What do you think, Colin?

I think that might have nuts.

OK, I'll just have a tuna sandwich.

OK. Oh, we better just check that hasn't got any nuts as well.

It does say it's dolphin friendly, but it doesn't mention nuts.

-So...

-Good idea.

Getting a hint of peanut.

Mmm. Mmm mmm mmmmm.

-Fine, I'll have a packet of crisps, then.

-Right you are.

I'm sure they don't have nuts in.

Better to be safe than sorry. Don't you think?

Absolutely. Don't want you having a nasty allergic reaction, do we?

What do you think? Nuts?

I don't really care.

I just want something to eat. What's left?

-Well, we are running a bit low on supplies.

-Oh, what a surprise(!)

Oh, no, you're in luck. Here we go, the very last thing on the trolley.

A packet of honey roasted peanuts!

You're welcome!

No manners, some people.

STOMACH GURGLES What's the matter?

Oh, dear. That combination of cheese and onion with smoky bacon,

that is a recipe for disaster.

Oh, no, Colin. Evacuate the toilets, we're coming through.

Hop on, Colin, we'll clean you out.

I'd shut that book, Madam, I might go.

That's it. Just breath, Colin, we'll get you there.

-It's no good, Malcolm.

-Keep it in.

-No, it's going to go.

RETCHING Oh, all over the cheese straws.

Hello! I'm here to break the world record for the world's largest feet!

I really don't have time. Considering you come in here daily,

do you not think I'd have noticed if you had an enormous pair of...

..feet. Cynthia, get the record for the world's largest feet.

Thank you.

PHONE RINGS Yes? Thank you.

The world's largest feet belong to American Robert Wadlow,

and they were an extraordinary size 48.

Easy! Measure that.

You know, a bit of me feels sad

I might be about to win a world record,

because my aim will be achieved. I won't come here any more.

We've become firm friends.

Er, no, we really haven't.

Well, your feet are an extraordinary size 52!

Yes!

But before I can award you the world record,

please take your shoes off so I can measure your actual feet.

What? No, you don't need to do that.

-I need to measure your foot.

-My foot's as big as my shoe.

-But I need to measure them.

-You measured the shoe. They're fine.

I need to measure the foot.

It's me, Mark! You know me, we don't need to do this.

You, me. There's a bond of trust.

There's no trust whatsoever. I must measure your foot.

I can't undo my shoe. The laces have glued together.

Well, I'm afraid...

I've got jam socks, it's all sticky, they won't come out.

-Feet.

-Oh! You win.

There you go.

Hold on, I'll adjust this a bit, they're a bit cold.

There we are. Come on.

-That's a size 9.

-9 and a bit?

-No.

-What's the record?

-48.

-Oh! So close!

These cost loads. Total waste of money.

MUSIC: The Holly And The Ivy

SHE SNORES

Thanks again, Pete, for letting me stay for Christmas.

Think nothing of it! More the merrier.

With everyone being away at mine

it would have been a bit miserable.

Don't thank me. You're my flatmate, it's your house too.

Anyway, Christmas is for sharing.

It is. Merry Christmas, Pete.

Merry Christmas, Clive.

What's that? A last minute present?

Yeah, for Granny. I've been baking her something special.

Baking?

Baking, baking.

The recipe for the custard pie that I use is Granny's

and she hasn't had a custard pie for, I don't know, ages.

So, I spent Christmas Eve baking her her very own, special custard pie.

Have you, indeed.

I can't wait to see her face when she opens her presents.

Yeah, magical.

Oh, forgot to put the mince pies out for Father Christmas.

-A carrot for Rudolph!

-Like I'd forget!

CIRCUS MUSIC

CROWD CHEERS

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS MONKEY SCREECHES

SPLAT

I am so, so, sorry.

G-G-Granny!

HORN HONKS Does that help?

Jasper. Jasper!

Jasper. You haven't seen my dog, have you?

I let him off for one minute and he disappeared. Jasper!

-What does he look like?

-He's quite big. He's white with black spots.

Is that him over there?

You've never seen a postman run so fast. He was all, "Aaah!".

I didn't even have to bite him, it was brilliant.

He was really scared. Oh, no!

Jasper, you naughty boy, I've been worried about you.

Oh, I was going to go on the seesaw.

What did you say?

Er, woof? Definitely woof.

I made it big.

Tony take it, is mine.

I'll get you, Philippe le Vavasur.

Witch! She's a witch.

Maybe my bees can help.

-£1,000.

-£1,000!

In your imagination-tion.

E-mail [email protected]