Episode 6 Sorry I've Got No Head

We'd like to say you've been the best football coach ever, Mr E.

Thanks very much. You've been a very good team to coach.

Even if a couple of you are perhaps

getting a bit too old to play junior football.

Sorry to see you go, but at least you're off to somewhere good.

Yeah, who'd have thought it? Manchester United.

Lucky old me, eh?

Well, before you go, we got you a special cake.

-APPLAUSE

-Go on, then, cut the cake.

-Oh!

What's he doing? He's got his cake!

What?

MOUTH FULL: Good luck at Man U.

If you want my advice,

never use superglue to wrap up your birthday presents.

I am not a present!

Ow! It's not even your birthday.

Oh, I've had enough of this business for sure.

Good afternoon, Simon. What do you have for us today?

Hold on, hold on. Who-hoo! Oh, it's a good one this.

It is a really, really good one.

I call it, "One In 100".

That's a very good title. Most intriguing!

Ah, that's not the whole title.

"One In 100 Isn't A Scorpion."

"One In 100 Isn't A Scorpion."

Yes. You see, I lay out 100 identical boxes, thusly.

And it's 10p a go

and a lucky punter has to choose which box to put their hand in.

And one in a 100, has a lollipop in it!

-And what are in the other 99 boxes?

-Oh, I thought you'd have guessed.

-They've got scorpions in them.

-Real scorpions?

Headmaster, I am not in the habit of deceiving my public.

Yes, of course, real scorpions.

-And don't the scorpions mind?

-Oh, they hate it.

They absolutely hate it!

But the great thing is, if you're lucky you could win a lollipop.

So it's a game of luck and skill.

Skill, yes...and is there any way of telling which box is which?

No, you're right, it's a fun game of luck.

Look, I'll show you.

Go ahead.

Ooh...

Scorpion! Aah!

Scorpion! Aah!

Aah! A scorpion!

A scorpion, another scorpion!

Aaargh! Scorpion!

Ah! Ah! Scorpion.

Oh!

Lollipop!

Mmm. Urrgh. Lime.

So, will you let me know?

We'll let you know.

The Zombie News Network.

Bringing you the latest Zombie news, 24 hours a day.

Police today are still looking for escaped zombie master-criminal,

"unknown male",

who somehow escaped after being arrested over the weekend.

We're confident that we will re-arrest the missing suspect.

We have what can only be described as a good set of fingerprints.

No more questions.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS SCARY MUSIC

You're new, in't ya?

Yes, yes, I am new here. Hello, Steven.

Lunch?

Mmm, it all smells...

Well, it all smells.

-What have you got?

-I've got fish bits.

Oh, I'm so sorry, I am actually allergic to seafood.

I got nut roast.

Sorry, I have a nut allergy.

Got a nice bit of pasta.

Is it wheat free? You see, I have an intolerance to wheat.

Is there anything you can eat?

I tell you what, I'll just have some soya milk.

Certainly.

ALARM HONKS

Might I suggest you defrost it first? Ha-ha-ha.

Brave Vikings, as we all know, my great uncle Leif,

passed away last month, of natural causes.

ALL: Ooh. Had his head cut off by a berserker.

It's the way we'd all like to go.

As we all know, Leif was a great entertainer,

always ready with a song, or a dance,

or a punch for a smaller Viking.

He punched me once. It really was very funny.

Now, in his will, Uncle Leif left me this.

His prized ventriloquist dummy, Sven.

-Yes?

-Oh, no, no, no, it's called Sven.

-The dummy is Sven.

-You can say that again.

-Yes, well, he left me this prize ventriloquist dummy, Sven.

-Yes?

This is going to get confusing. I'll call the dummy, er, Bjorn.

He wasn't BJORN yesterday.

So what I'm going to do, is try him out on you now.

And see if I'm good enough to entertain the children

at the Sunday pillage.

-Yes, Chief.

-Ready?

Heggo, everygody, gmy gname is GSven, er, Gbjorn.

My gname is Gbjorn...

THEY SCREAM

He has no life, but yet he speaks.

What horror is this?

Everybody just calm down. He is just a dummy I am operating.

It is my voice. There is absolutely no need to be frightened.

Go on, Chief.

We'll really try to concentrate this time.

OK, here we go.

Heggo, everygody!

THEY SCREAM

Little wooden man has come for our souls!

I want to get beheaded by a berserker before I die.

All of you, it is just a dummy, it's not alive.

Eh? It is me operating it. Yes? Look, I'll show you, look.

Hello, chief! How are you gtoday?

Ah, aaah, aaaah! THEY SCREAM

Save us, ye Gods!

Oh, oh.

He's BJORN free now!

Oh, shut up, Sven.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-OMG, Jade.

-Sades?

-Do you know what's totally hot right now?

No? What's hot right now?

The Doctor. He is totally hot right now.

The Doctor's tot's amazeballs.

Like, TARDIS and time and space and stuff?

The TARDIS and space and time and stuff and Sontarans?

And Sontarans and like, Cybermen, and the Gelth and the Face of Boe

and the Moxx of Balhoon.

OMG, Sades. Have you seen my duvet cover

of the Moxx of Balhoon with a Dalek and a Slitheen on it?

That is so amazeballs. So Moxx of Balhoonius.

It's the Moxx of Balhoonest.

-It's so like, none more Moxx of Balhoon?

-Tot's.

And the Doctor, it would be so amazeballs to be like,

-his companion.

-Imagine,

like if you were doing a history essay, on Henry VIII,

and you drove the TARDIS back into olden times,

and you killed Henry VIII so he didn't exist

and you wouldn't have to do an essay on him?

Mrs Benson, that teaches history, would be like,

"Where's your essay?". I'd be like "What essay?

"That person you're talking about totally doesn't exist."

And she'd be like, well suss.

And like the Doctor would say, "No, you can't kill Henry VIII",

because of like, wormholes and paradoxes and stuff?

And I'd be like "Doctor, what is the point of being a Time Lord,

"when all you do is spend your time, like, divvying around,

"like, talking to Shakespeare and eating dodo eggs?"

OMG, Doctor Who, your bow tie looks really stupid,

like, bow ties are so not hot,

like, Doctor Who, stop trying to make bow ties happen!

And it's like, I know your name isn't even Doctor Who,

it's like the name of the programme, but everyone thinks Doctor Who

is your real name, like your surname is Who.

So you might as well just get over it!

Oh, the Doctor is so lame.

He's so not hot right now.

-So.

-Not.

-Hot.

-Uurgh. SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Ooh!

Having trouble with your new shoes?

No matter what you do they just don't seem to fit right?

That's because they're not shoes,

they're pies!

Are you going to eat those afterwards?

I bet they absolutely stink.

Go and wash your feet and throw those pies in the bin,

you foolish man.

Can we watch my film first?

I think we should watch Phillipe's first.

The French are terribly good at doing films.

I bet it will be boring.

Now, now.

-So, Phillipe.

-Quoi?

Erm, what is,

qu'est-ce film, what?

Oui, c'est une nouvelle vague classique,

Les Deux Cellos de Monsieur Gravice.

Oh, right, yes, excellent, yes.

Sorry, I didn't understand that at all.

He said it's called the two cellos of Mr Gravice.

Right, cellos, that sounds like fun.

-It sounds rubbish, more like.

-Alors.

SCREECHY CELLO

Oh, oh! Bravo, c'est un chef d'ouevre

That was the most boring thing I have ever seen.

It was a challenging film.

Challenging? It was three hours of a man and a cello in a room.

Can we watch Wallace And Gromit now, please?

-Encore! Encore.

-Again?! You want to watch it again?!

-Oui.

-Well, perhaps we should. We can watch your film another day.

But it has to go back to the rental shop tomorrow.

I tell you what. I'll go and get that chicken and mushroom pie

out of the oven and we'll watch it all again, eh?

'Zis is a million times better than your silly little English film.

Oh, cracking toast, Gromit(!)

That's it, I'm going to tell Dad you can speak English.

If you do, I will tell him

that you let down all of the tyres on his car.

-But I didn't!

-Yeah, but I will do it and I will say it was you.

Now, who would like a slice of chicken and mushroom pie?

Actually, me and Phillipe were just talking, and I was thinking,

as we're watching a French film, it would be nice for Phillipe

to eat some traditional French food.

Well, I can always pipe out an eclair.

No, I know just the thing.

So, alors. The film, er, le film, that we watch any...

Vous etes un idiot.

Erm, no.

Here we go.

A lovely plate of raw garlic and raw snails,

for you to eat while you watch your film.

Mais? Dennis?

No, no, I think you should have them all to yourself.

And me and Dad can just have this boring old pie.

Well, Danny, this is very kind of you.

No, no, it's the least I can do.

He is a guest in our house, after all.

Well then, let's watch this film again, shall we?

Tuck in, Phillipe.

Yes! Got you, Phillipe la Vavasur.

-SCREAMING

-Someone's parked their car on my foot!

Right, everyone stand back.

My son will use his superhuman strength to lift the car.

It's OK, I'll phone the fire brigade.

No! Don't want them turning up, show-offs,

with their lights and sirens,

taking all the credit. Dean'll do it.

-Mum! I can't lift a car!

-Yes, you can.

You lifted the hatchback when the tyre went.

That was a mechanic.

Well, if he can do it, you can do it.

-He had a jack!

-Details, Dean, details.

Now, you got your outfit on?

I can't feel anything. Completely gone. No feeling!

-Oooow!

-Shouldn't I just call the fire brigade?

No! He will be with you in a minute.

-Hurry up, Dean, the man is in pain.

-All right!

Dean, you haven't got your overpants.

-Are you sure I can't just phone the fire brigade?

-He is coming.

Quickly, Dean.

I think they must have shrunk in the wash, I can't get them on.

Quickly, Dean, quickly.

-I can't do it!

-You're not too old to have you over my knee!

Put your back into it, just a couple more centimetres.

Oh! Right, that's it. You're in.

Come on, let's go and save that man's foot.

Ah, ah, ah!

-Smile. Our man the hero.

-Here he is, here he is.

Oh, typical. Look at them, attention seekers.

Come on, Dean, we're going.

Excuse me, could you cut me out of my overpants?

Dean, come on.

-Ta-da!

-Thanks very much.

All right, see you, love.

Right, who's next?

Is that me? Erm, I think that's me.

Right. Erm, what can I do for you?

Well, I'm a bit bored of this style, to be honest.

I fancy something a bit more cutting edge. Yeah?

Erm, certainly. Take a seat.

Thanks very much.

-Debbie!

-HE MOUTHS

Did you have anything specific in mind?

Do you think I'd suit a Justin Bieber?

-Erm...

-No, no, you're right, stupid idea.

-Listen, you just do whatever you think works on my head.

-OK.

There you go!

Ta-da! What do you think?

Well, it's not exactly what I was expecting,

certainly a bit different.

Right, that'll be £60, please.

What do you mean? You've only being going for five minutes!

Don't I get a shampoo and a blow-dry as well?

Erm, I don't think a blow-dry would be a good idea.

What do you mean? Hang on. Are you trying to fleece me or something?

-Please, calm down.

-No, I will not.

I demand my rights. Starting with a normal, regular haircut,

which includes, a blow-dry.

OK.

How's that?

Erm, yeah, yeah, great, thanks.

I tell you what. These modern haircuts don't really suit me.

I'll probably just stick with my old style, to be honest.

-Right.

-Oh, can I just see the back?

Yeah, never mind.

Excusing me, good morning.

-Can you please to be telling me where is the theatre?

-Oh.

It's just down there by the multistorey car park.

Thanking you. Please to be telling me what spectacle will be presented?

-A musical, Annie, it's still on.

-Thanking you.

Please to be telling me how long the spectacle of Annie will be lastings?

-I don't know. Two hours?

-Thanking you.

How many of the songs will there be in the Annie of the show?

I don't know. Six, seven?

Perhaps you perform a medley of the songs of the Annie of the show?

-No.

-Yes you can.

-I can't just sing for you.

-Sing Annie for me.

-No.

You will sing Annie for me. Sing Annie for me!

# It's a hard-knock life for us It's a hard-knock life for us

# Instead of kisses we get kicked Instead of kisses we...

# Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

# I'll love you tomorrow. It's only a day away. #

Thanking you! Toodlepips and merry bye-byes.

Still here.

Emily and Monty Forest, two of the country's least successful

musical theatre performers are mounting their very own production.

They'll be writing, producing, directing and starring in the show.

This week, Emily and Monty are writing a script

for their extravaganza.

Well, let's get at it.

You do the typing and me me do the talking.

OK, just call me Monty-am Shakespeare.

OK, Monty-am, let's get going.

OK, so you just type out Scene One.

I've written "Monty is brilliant" seven times, does that help?

Count Monte Christo, that is not useful.

OK, on we go. Let's get on with it. Here we go, Scene One.

-Yes?

-Scene One.

-Scene One.

-Warm up the old fingories.

-Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

-Now then.

-How do you spell scene?

-Look, I'll do the typing.

It's got a silent 'c', curly 'c'. Never know which end.

-Leave it to E Forest, here we go.

-To the rescue! Da-da-da-da!

-Ooh!

-OK, so...

-Scene One.

-Scene One, here we go.

-Oh, I can't look.

-Scene One.

-There, we're done.

-There we go, Scene One.

-Next.

-Well, we just have to type up the story.

You know, keep the audience on their toes.

Get the characters jumping off the page, that's what the pros do.

-I mean, how hard can this writing malarkey actually be?

-Yep.

It is seven and a half hours later.

Emily and Monty are still hard at work on the script.

Uurgh. Ah, that was great. Exciting. What have we got so far?

Well, I've written Scene One,

in a slightly bigger font.

-Good start. I think we should call it a day.

-Really?

-Yeah, we're off.

-Shall I print it out?

-I think it'll help.

-Montezuma, Montezuma.

-Hit me.

# Why don't we just improvise? Improvise the whole show! #

Woo!

Yes, make it up on the spot, yeah? Keep it loose, organic, natural,

yoghurt.

First idea comes into your head, just run with it.

-Let's improvise.

-Not like that.

I wish I had looser clothes on. I feel constrained but good.

Scene One.

Shall we call it a day?

Creativity is a wilful beast. She cannot be hunted.

-She can only be pounced upon!

-Woo!

Is that a yes?

-Basically, yes.

-Ha!

Oh! Hey, Monts, do you think we've got what it takes?

We definitely have.

Hello, there.

All right?

I'd like a go on the ball pit, please. There's my pound.

-You're too big.

-What?

Oh, oh, it's the hat, isn't it? I'll take it off. There we go.

-Sorry, mate, you're still too big.

-OK, erm...

How about now? No?

How about now? Yes? How about now?

I'm not going to let you in, so clear off.

-Ahem, excuse me.

-Wasn't I just talking to you?

FALSETTO: I think that was someone else.

Right, you sure you've not just gone away, put on sunglasses,

a weird hat and put your shoes on your knees?

Yes? I mean, no, I mean, erm...

Why don't you go on the motorbikes?

-I can't go on the motorbikes.

-Why not?

-HE MUMBLES

-What?

-Because I get sick.

-Pff.

-Don't laugh. It's not funny. I've got an inner ear problem.

-Look, I am not going to let you in, so please, clear off.

-Fine.

Witch! She's a witch.

THEY CHANT: Witch, witch, witch!

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, erm, I'd like to go in the ball pool, please...

Sorry, mate, ball pit's closed. You'll have to go on a motorbike.

Oh! Hold this.

What is that smell?

Oh! What's that smell? Ho!

What is that?

-Get off!

-Where's it coming from?

-What is it?

-Lipstick?

-No!

-Deodorant?

-No.

-Old cheese?

No. Ooh! It's rubber!

Balloons. Rubber balloons.

-Rubber balloons!

Right, I've looked at your results, and it looks as if you've got

SMS, or text message syndrome.

-Huh! LOL.

-This is no laughing matter.

-It's actually a very serious condition.

-Really? OMG!

OMG indeed. I'm afraid sending these messages

has affected your ability to communicate

-with anybody over the age of 18.

That is not gr8. Open brackets, frowning smiley, close brackets.

-I'll write you a prescription.

-Ah, just got a joke from a m8.

I'm just going to ROFL, for a bit.

PATIENT LAUGHS

Didn't realise people actually did that.

SHOUTS: Hello!

I'm hear to break the world record for the world's largest shout!

Right! No need to shout.

Yes there is! I'm here to break the world record for it. Shouting!

-I know, I was making an uncharacteristic joke.

-Oh! Nice one!

Annabel, can I have the record for the world's largest shout, please?

-PHONE RINGS

-Yes? Ah, Annabel. Thank you.

The world's largest shout is 127 decibels.

Easy! I can break that no problem.

-Right.

-I think I'm going to be really good at this.

All right, save it. I'll just get my decibel measuring machine.

OK. You know, it's funny, I come in here every day, trying to break

a world record, and they never seem to work out for some reason.

-I wonder why that is.

-Now, I've just realised

that the thing that's going to help me break a record,

has been under my nose the whole time. My mouth.

I am the king of sh...

SILENCE

Ah, there it is. I must clean out that desk one day.

Off we go.

SILENCE

0.2 decibels.

-VERY QUIETLY: What's the record?

-Sorry?

-QUIETLY: What's the record?

-The record is 127 decibels.

VERY QUIETLY: Oh, so close!

Sorry, what?

-VERY QUIETLY: So close!

-Sorry, I don't under...

VERY QUIETLY: Was I close?

Who's the goose?

Sorry, excuse me, you haven't seen my dog, have you?

-He's quite big, he's white, with black spots.

-Sorry.

This is awful, I'm so worried about him.

There you are!

You're a naughty Jasper. Naughty Jasper. I was worried about you.

-I was just waiting for my ham and cheese panini!

-What?

I mean, woof! Definitely woof.

Ham and cheese panini?

I made it big!

Tony take it, is mine!

I'll get you Phillipe la Vavasur!

Witch! She's a witch.

Maybe my bees can help.

-£1,000!

-£1,000!

In your imagination-tion-tion.