Episode 7 Sorry I've Got No Head

# La-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# La-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la. #

Wow! That was great fun!

Yeah. International Licking Things You Don't Normally Lick Day

was actually quite cool.

I never imagined that a lamppost would taste of strawberries.

Who'd have thought that cars tasted of beef?!

I just wish I hadn't licked that shop.

It tasted of dogs' bottoms and sprouts.

I can't get rid of the taste either.

-Would you like some chewing gum?

-Yes, please. Perfect.

I've got a new type over here.

EVIL MUSIC

EVIL LAUGHTER

Hang on. Is this one of your mad experiments?

No. How could you think that?

Well, because of all the hair and the coat

and all the... Oh, never mind.

Behold!

Elasticated food substance THX1138.

It is one of your mad experiments! There's no way I'm gonna touch that.

-Oh, come on. It'll really work.

-Your experiments always go wrong.

-They do not.

-What about that time I had a spot

and you gave me that new anti-spot cream?

-That cream worked brilliantly.

-No! You put too many antis in.

So I became anti-anti-spot cream!

Argh!

I've learned a lot since then.

Besides, this new gum is the best horrible taste getter ridder ever.

-No.

-Please.

Please. Please.

-Ple-e-e-e-ase!

-Why are you so persuasive?

All right, I'll give it a try. Anything to get rid of this taste.

Mmm. It tastes nice.

Really?

Of course it does.

Hang on. What's happening?

Oh, dear.

My tongue!

Um, sorry.

Mind you, I have got envelopes that need licking.

Excuse me and good morning.

Can you please tell me if there are activities available in the park?

I couldn't really say. There's a lake over there.

What style of activities are available at the lake?

Pedalos, rowing boats, that sort of thing.

Please advise me of other activities at the lake.

I don't work here, so I don't really...

Maybe you could feed the ducks.

-Will the ducks be grateful for the feeding?

-I expect so.

-I think they like it.

-You will be impersonating the duck now.

-No.

-Come on! Please impersonate the duck for me now.

-You will be impersonating the duck for me now.

-No.

-Duck.

-No.

Be the duck. Be the duck for me now.

I'm feeding all the bread.

-Quack, quack.

-Thanking you. Eat the bread.

Quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack.

Look, I'm sorry, I'm not good at impersonating animals.

I will be asking you now for the money back, please.

-Sorry?

-The £1 for the loaf of the bread for the feeding of the ducks.

-But you didn't buy...

-Refund, please!

I'm getting these flashing lights in front of my eyes

-and I can hear voices in my head.

-What kind of voices?

-Diane, this way please, love.

-Diane, sweetheart.

I've seen this before. This is a mild case of the paparazzis.

-This way please, love.

-Over here, Diane.

You're not a celebrity, are you?

Well, I did make it through

to the Midlands Regional Selections of X Factor 2009, so...

I think this is a very mild case of the paparazzis.

It should clear up pretty quickly.

Lady Gaga's just fallen off a giant pair of shoes getting out of a taxi.

You see? They've gone.

-Will they be back?

-I doubt it.

I'll put the kettle on.

Oh! Did you put that mousetrap down like I asked?

Yeah. I put one in the dining room last night.

And you're sure it's a mousetrap you put down?

Of course. What sort of other traps are there?

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh, no! I must have picked out the wrong one.

Check the box next time. Take it back and get rid of him.

Well...

Come on, you.

Thank goodness you're here. I can't take this any more.

Imprisoned here for hours with only the endless night for company.

Trapped with my own despair,

not knowing if I will ever taste the sweet kiss of freedom once more.

Was that all right, love?

Get out.

LAUGHTER

Hansel, I can't see any more.

The trail of breadcrumbs is gone. The birds must have eaten them.

We are lost. We are lost in the woods.

We went to all that trouble of leaving a trail of breadcrumbs

so we could find our way home,

and now these stupid birds have eaten them.

I'm absolutely livid about the whole thing!

Maybe my bees can help.

-I beg your pardon?

-I said, maybe my bees can help.

-Your bees?

-There's no need to be confused, my German friends.

Let me explain. Bees have a super sense of direction,

and an almost encyclopaedic knowledge of all known addresses.

I'll give them a few simple instructions

and they'll lead you straight home.

-Really?

-Yes. And if you're very nice,

they might make you a tiny picnic for the journey.

It has to be tiny because the bees themselves are very tiny.

-Wonderful! How can we repay you?

-Just look after each other.

Buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz. Lost in the woods.

Buzz-buzz-buzz. Nice people, get them home.

Buzz-buzz-buzz. They're afraid of the woods.

Buzz-buzz-buzz. I don't like it myself.

Oh, almost forgot. Buzz, buzz!

Now fly, nature's sat-navs, and help these two German children.

No! No! Argh! Argh!

Not me! Don't attack me!

Guide them home! Argh!

Ooh, look, Gretel, a gingerbread house.

Argh! Argh! No! No!

-Hello, Simon.

-Hello, headmaster. Governor.

What have you got to show us today, Simon?

This is excellent. You will be pleased as punch with this.

How pleased is punch?

It's hard to tell. I think you'll like it.

-What have you got?

-Well, it's a real bit of fun.

It's a neat little twist on an old favourite.

Good. Very good.

I call it bobbing for calculators.

I know what you're thinking.

Don't worry, the calculators are waterproof.

That's a relief.

You just bob your head in the water

and try to grab a calculator with your teeth.

-And if you get the calculator...

-You win it!

-Lovely idea!

But be sure to avoid the crabs.

-The crabs?

-Yes. Dozens of crabs guarding the calculators

at the bottom of the water.

-And they're alive?

-Yes. Of course they're alive. I'm not a monster!

Who's for a go? Headmaster? Mrs Perkins?

OK, fine. I'll go first.

Right. Hands behind back.

Calculators, here I come!

HEAVY METAL MUSIC

I'm going back in.

-Do you think he's all right?

-He must really want that calculator.

We'll let you know.

This is a trick we can play to frighten Sven

when he gets back from his pillaging city away break.

What you do is you rip a bit out of the bottom of the matchbox,

get some cotton wool and pop it in there.

-I need to put some ketchup on it...

-Oi! I was using that!

Oh, hush. This is a prank.

Hotdogs come second to pranks in the Ancient Viking Book of War.

-Wise Chief, how does this prank work?

-It's an excellent ruse.

It looks like I've got a severed finger in a box!

Ho-ho-ho!

Chief, may we see it before you play the prank on Sven?

-Oh, Chief, do let's.

-All right, very well, but I must remind you,

it's my finger in a matchbox with a bit of cotton wool around it

-and some of Erik's ketchup on it.

-We understand.

Sometimes he talks to us as if we were babies.

Right, OK. Well, here we go then, the old severed finger in the box trick.

THEY SCREAM IN TERROR

It's a finger! A severed finger, by all the gods!

All of you, calm down. I've told you, it's my finger in the box. Look.

I'll make it wiggle.

Argh! A severed finger!

THEY ALL SCREAM

Save us, oh, Chief! Save us from the naughty finger!

Hello, all. What's all the fuss about?

Nothing, really...

I say, Sven, would you like to have a look in my matchbox?

Certainly, you know I'm interested in the contents of matchboxes,

although often, they are just matches.

-Oh, a severed finger. That's just the thing.

-Really? Why?

Cos I lost my finger on my city pillage away break.

THEY SCREAM IN TERROR

These chips are dee-licious.

-Sure you didn't want anything from the chip shop?

-Nah. I'm not hungry.

Ha! You are hungry. Why didn't you get some chips? You love chips.

I've run out of pocket money.

Ah, don't worry, Danny, my bestest pal in the while world,

I'll treat you. You can share mine. Here, take a chip.

All right. I'll pinch one.

N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n! Not that one.

If you're just going to have one chip, take that one,

the biggest bestest chip in the bag from your bestest pal.

Ha ha ha!

La-da-da.

Yeah!

Oh, Eddie, I can't... I can't eat any more of this.

But I gave it to you, my bestest pal in the whole world.

I gave you my bestest, biggest, longest chip.

I would have had that. You've barely even touched it.

-HE SOBS

-I've always tried to be nice to you.

Buy you lovely things...

Waaah! Wurgghhh!

Eddie!

It's too big!

Exactly! Which means it's the best!

All right. I'll finish it. Have you got any salt and vinegar?

Yeah!

Here you are!

Oh, one second.

I thought this might come in handy.

I made it big!

-Um, Jade?

-Yeah.

-Do you know what's totally hot right now?

-What's hot?

-Musicals.

-Musicals?

-Yeah, like Glee and High School The Musical and Wicked.

-Totally wicked.

Yeah, they're totally hot. And there's Hairspray and Grease.

-All like totally amazables.

-I've loved musicals longer than anybody,

-since I was in the womb and stuff.

-You know the best thing?

-No, what?

People are just like walking and talking like we are now

-and they like totally burst into song.

-Like totes naturally?

Yeah, like totally naturally. Like...

# I'm great and attractive, girl, and I'm wearing a pair of shoes

# And there's a really ugly guy, have you seen my snazzy shoes?

# I'm gonna give him the eye, I thought I hadn't finished... #

Jade, musicals are SO not hot.

Oh. Yeah, I know. Like musicals are so like for kids.

-Musicals are like so lame.

-Yeah, like really lame.

-Like Glee?

-Oh, rubbish.

-Legally Blonde?

-So not!

-Hairspray?

-Not hot.

-We Will Rock You?

-SO not hot!

-So...

-Not...

-Hot!

BELL RINGS

-Mum, have you seen my games console?

-No. Where did you leave it?

-Where the cat's sleeping.

-Have a rummage down the back of the sofa,

but don't disturb Mr Jim. He's having a lovely sleep.

CAT PURRS CONTENTEDLY

Woah!

I can feel it getting straighter as you're doing it.

It's a very popular service. I thought it would be painful.

-Come on, give it back.

-Tony take it. This is Tony's Hair Salon.

Salon-straight hair. Yes, indeed!

That's not a hair straightener and this isn't a salon.

Uh-uh, girlfriend! This is Tony's Hair Salon!

And you have not got an appointment! No, he hasn't made an appointment.

-Just give me back my game.

-It's mine! It's yours.

Mine. We need that for the business. Yeah, we do!

The old ladies, they love it. You're not having it, unless...

Unless you answer my question. One of my clever riddles.

Just hurry up.

If you'd like to step this way, sir.

Oh, it's looking lovely. It's very nice. Surprisingly smooth.

The question. Oh, yes, the question. Going anywhere nice on holiday?

France.

Argh! What sort of a question's that?!

That's what we always ask at hairdressers'. It's nonsense!

Oh, so cross!

Come on, Ben. The lasagne's ready.

Meow!

'Ladies and gentlemen, if you require any refreshments,

-'the trolley will now pass through plane.'

-Trolley coming through!

Please make way for the trolley.

-Excuse me...

-Any drinks or snacks for yourselves.

-Anything from the trolley?

-Excuse me...

-Yes.

-Yes.

-What is it? We have to get the trolley through!

-I need some lunch.

-Malcolm, what have we got?

-Um...

I'll take this packet of crisps.

-No. Wait...

-Hang on, it's empty!

-No, it's full of air,

-which is very good for you.

-No calories.

-Have a nice journey.

-Trolley coming through.

-You must have something. Is that salad?

Um...yes.

-Yes. There you go.

-This isn't much of a salad.

It looks like someone's licked the dressing off the lettuce leaves.

-I'm terribly sorry.

-How about a slice of cake?

I'm afraid we ran out of cake an hour ago.

-We've been in the air 20 minutes.

-We crossed a time zone.

Peanuts, pretzels... How about a fizzy drink?

-I don't remember seeing any. Malcolm?

-Oh... No.

You mean to tell me you don't have so much as a cheese sandwich?

Ah! You're in luck.

-No, they're all gone.

-You don't have any food or drink on this trolley

-at all?

-You people! It's all eat, eat, eat with you!

All you can think about is filling your greedy faces with our food.

You ought to try exercising a little self-control!

Here, I'll take that, thank you. You'll thank me one day.

We'll split this. Two chunks each.

Ooh! Double chunkage!

-GURGLING

-Colin, what's happening?

I think eating that entire wheel of brie just before we took off

-may have been a mistake.

-Oh, Colin. Not again.

Oh, come on. Hop on. This is going to get bumpy.

Clear the aisle, please, ladies and gentlemen.

-Keep it in, Colin.

-I don't know if I can.

'Sticky Martin. He's got the stickiest hands in the world.'

Hmm.

Argh!

-Hello?

-THUNDERCLAP

Hello! Is this the museum?

-Am I in the right place?

-< Gnng!

Oh! What are you doing here, sir? It's the middle of the night.

Who dares wake us from our precious slumber?

It's half eleven in the morning.

11.30, he says, as if he doesn't know it's the middle of the night!

-Can't you hear the owls?

-Twit-twoo!

-And the other owls.

-(DEEP VOICE) Twit-twoo!

That man just said "twit-twoo".

Of course, you're confused. It's the middle of the night.

The middle of the night in... The Museum Of Imagination...

-THEY START SNORING

-Yes, that's more like it.

-Er... Can I see the museum?

-..Of The Imagina...

-THEY SNORE

-I found this flyer in my sandwich.

-Ah!

-Marketing at its very best.

Well, perhaps, Mr Hilton, you'd like to see round the exhibits.

-How do you know my name?

-We call everyone Mr Hilton.

Sometimes we get lucky. Isn't that right, Mr Hilton?

-My name's Mr Elevenses.

-Curses! Struck out again, Mr Hilton.

Even though it's so late, we should probably show the nocturnal Mr Hilton

the exhibits. Walk this way.

Beneath this cloth lies the head of Poseidon's trident.

-Poseidon? The god of the sea?

-God of the sea, water and earthquakes

-and brother to Zeus, and under here is his trident.

-Trident!

-That's incredible!

-It is the most incredible thing you'll ever see

in your imagination!

..Tion... Tion... Tion...

-THEY SNORE

-There's nothing there.

-THERE'S NOTHING THERE!

-Oh!

-Did you say something? We fell asleep.

-What do you expect if you bother us at this time?

-Twit-twoo.

-Even the owls are mocking us!

-OK, what else have you got?

He's insatiable for exhibits! Mr Hilton, come, this way.

Beneath this lies a cup of water from the Fountain of Eternal Youth.

-One sip shall make you immortal.

-Immortality!

-For ever.

-Right, let's see it.

Indeed you shall. In your imagination!

-..Tion... Tion... Tion...

-That's it, I'm going.

-To bed? Of course!

-He knows how to get a good night's sleep.

-It's the middle of the night.

In your imagination! ..Tion... Tion... Tion...

What a shame he's in such a rush.

Didn't he want to see Pandora's Box?

SCREAMS AND GHOSTLY SOUNDS

I wasn't supposed to open that, was I, Mr Elevenses?

Oh! We'll deal with it in the morning. Good night.

-Good night.

-THEY SNORE

Mum? Dad?

I'm off to the match.

Oh, well.

-Oh! What are you doing there?

-We wouldn't let you go to the match

-without wishing you luck.

-Oh, thanks.

Because you're going to need all the luck you can get.

-What?

-Playing in goal? So many chances to mess up?

You could easily let a ball roll through those legs.

You might miss a simple clearance, like so many before you.

Oh no! What have I done?

But I won't. Mr Salisbury says I'm an excellent goalkeeper.

Really?

Looks like Mr Salisbury was wrong.

You're going to let your team down and feel terrible. Really bad.

There'd be no sympathy. The rest of the team would probably hate you

-and call you names like Captain Can't Catch.

-Or Mr Lets Balls In!

-Why are you saying these things?

-We're trying to protect you, son.

Save you from messing up and starting a slide into despair,

which will end up with you living in a bin.

-Are you coming to watch?

-No.

We're watching Man U versus Chelsea on the TV.

Right, well... I guess I'll stay and watch it with you.

That's the spirit, son. Quit while you're ahead.

No!

I'm going to play that match and be the best goalkeeper ever!

Oh.

Oh! Ridiculously brave.

If it all goes well, I'll wear a tutu and let you call me Fifi.

-I'm back!

-Oh. How did it go?

I did the best save anyone's seen ever!

And I won Goalkeeper of the Year.

And I've been signed by Real Madrid at £1 million a year.

But on the way home, I got you this, Dad.

Nice tutu, Fifi!

Hello to you. Now, we all know that fruit and vegetables

are very, very healthy indeed.

Imagine my excitement when I received this letter

from the Society of Exciting Haircuts in Great Britain.

It reads, "We, at the Society of Exciting Hairstyles of the UK,

"wanted to show our appreciation, thanks to your tireless efforts

-"to use blueberries...

-RASPBERRY BLOWS

-"We have discovered the blueberry...

-RASPBERRY BLOWS

"is a miracle fruit when it comes to glossy and manageable hair.

"After a strict diet of the fruit in question,

"we have lustrous, shiny hair, capable of withstanding any style.

"We simply cannot thank you enough.

"Yours sincerely, the Society of Exciting Hairstyles in the UK."

Isn't that wonderful?

I've invited the chairman of the Exciting Hairstyles Society,

Marcus Beard, to talk us through his hairstyle.

Hello, Marcus.

Hello.

So, is it true that on a diet of these

you can double the lustrousness and sheenitude of your hair?

Yes, that is correct.

On a diet of blueberries, I've been able to do what I like with my hair,

which is one of the main aims of the Society of Exciting Hairstyles.

So there we have it. It's all thanks to the simple, healthy blueberry.

-RASPBERRY BLOWS

-Ah!

-Oh, crumbs! I only said blueberry.

-RASPBERRY BLOWS

Ve-e-e-e-ery well.

Will all bakers please stand back from the table?

The best Cake and Pie Award is about to be announced.

-Have they done it yet?

-They're just about to announce them now.

-Well, fingers crossed. You deserve this.

-Thanks.

I mean it. All the time you've spent making that pie

-and the testing and the re-testing.

-As you say, fingers crossed.

-What kind of pie is it again?

-It's custard.

Is it?

-Why? Is that a problem?

-No problem, no.

Now, Leo Davies, local radio DJ, will commence the judging.

Right, what have we got here, guys?

Mmm!

That is delicious!

Oh!

W-w-w...

Y-y-y...

You need to get...help.

I'm sorry.

So, so sorry.

NOSE SQUEAKS

Does that help?

Oh, I'm so sorry. I've lost my dog.

-He's quite big, white with black spots. Have you seen him?

-No, sorry.

Excuse me, is that your dog there?

Jasper!

Now don't you run off like that again, Jasper!

-Aw! I wasn't finished!

-Naughty!

What?

Er... Woof! Definitely woof.

-It's mine!

-I'll get you, Philipe La Vavasure!

-Witch! She's a witch!

-Maybe my bees can help.

-A thousand pounds!

-A thousand pounds!

-In your imagination!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd