Episode 8 Sorry I've Got No Head

SNIFFS

-Is this the back of the queue?

-No, it's the front.

Good! What is that smell? SNIFFS

-Don't look at me.

-I am looking at you, son.

What is that stink?

-Silk?

-No.

-Cotton.

-No.

-Man sweat?

-No. It's ice cream.

-Well, I haven't had any ice cream.

You're about to.

-Can I have some chocolate sauce on that?

-Seeing as it's you.

-Thank you very much.

-Pleasure.

Now, where's this bus?

That was brilliant. I've never been to a catching competition before.

I caught 15 cricket balls, five fish and three escaped criminals!

All I caught was a cold!

Oh, well, that's quite difficult because germs are very, very small.

-That's "nano-catching". It's very tricky.

-I feel rubbish.

-SNEEZES

-I can't even catch my own sneezes.

-I've got something that could help you.

-Really?

-Follow me.

THUNDER CLAP Mwa-ha-ha! Yes!

Ha-ha-ha! Yes! Yes!

-Yes...

-Hang on.

-Is this one of your mad experiments?

-No!

-Oh, how could you think that?

-Well, the hair and the coat.

And all the... Oh, never mind.

Behold! Anti-viral serum NCC...

170...1.

-It IS one of your mad experiments.

-Maybe...a bit.

-Your experiments always go wrong.

-My experiments are excellent!

What about when you gave me that moustache-growing medicine so I could see that 18 film?

But it worked, didn't it?

-It grew a metre every ten minutes!

-You looked...great.

I was a massive ball of moustache hair!

-It took five hairdressers a whole day to cut me free.

-I said I was sorry.

Besides, I've learnt a lot since then.

This cold remedy is perfectly safe.

-Really?

-It tastes a lot worse than it looks.

-You promise?

I promise!

Promise! Promise! Promise! Promise! Mwa-ha-ha!

That's a convincing number of promises. I'll try it.

Hang on! I do feel something.

Oops!

My hands!

Er... That wasn't meant to happen.

Still, at least you'll be able to catch things properly now.

Ah! Or not.

Er... Sorry?

Get your apples and oranges! Five for a pound!

Step up, ladies and gents. All your toys for a fraction of the price!

-Excuse me.

-Yes, mate.

-I bought this robot from you the other day.

-Meglatronic Blaster?

-It doesn't work. Lights don't flash.

When you try to fire the laser... RASPBERRY

Sounds like it's broken, mate. Sorry. Right, who's...?

-Hang on.

-I got one of them robots off you.

The head come off.

I lost my head down the back of the cooker!

-What do you expect me to do?

-Give us our money back.

-Or a replacement.

-This is a rubbish robot.

-Sorry, fellas. No refunds, no returns.

-This is my nephew's Christmas present!

-I bought this for my son.

I bought this for myself.

I bought it for a friend. Carry on.

If you've got a receipt, I might help.

-You didn't give me no receipt.

-Can't help you, then. Who's next?

-This is disgraceful!

-Yeah.

-It's outrageous!

-Yeah.

Someone should do something, like...

Witch! She is a witch!

CHANTING: Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Hey!

I meant someone should write a letter to the council.

If you want my advice, never lend your clothes to the Incredible Hulk.

Look at the state of me!

My mum's going to go absolutely bananas.

Right, I'll put the kettle on.

Oh! Did you put that mouse trap down?

Yeah. I put one in the dining room last night.

-It was definitely a mouse trap?

-Course! What other traps are there?

Oh! What have I done? I didn't look at the box properly.

Take it back and get the right one.

-What's he doing in here, anyway?

-Probably just getting out the cold.

-Take it back and get a mouse trap.

-Can't we keep him?

-No.

-Put him outside the back door, please.

-But he's really cool!

Sorry, mate. If it was up to me!

Woah! Three points!

-I'm SO good!

-Yeah, on second thoughts.

SQUEAKING

-Do you know where the nearest bus stop is?

-No. Ask the man in the car.

Little man! Hello? Little man in your big black car!

-Yes, ladies.

-Hello, my companion and I need to get into town.

-I can take you to town.

-How very kind.

-Let me help you.

Where exactly in town, ladies?

We're going to Bradley's to be fitted for bridesmaids' dresses.

I'm wearing a pink puffball dress with lace knickers.

And I'm having a crinoline miniskirt with neon green piping. Mad!

-It's for my nephew's wedding.

-When's that?

-Not for a while. He's 11.

-He's not engaged yet. Lazy boy.

He hasn't asked us to be bridesmaids yet but I'm sure he will.

Best to be prepared, eh?

Yeah. Bradley's. Is that on Church Street?

-Absolutely, I think. Yes.

-Hop in.

-OK.

I'll go the back way by the supermarket, avoid the roadworks.

Whichever way you choose! It's kind of you to give us a lift.

-Not many young men would stop to help ladies like us.

-It's my job.

Your job? To give people a lift, driving around in your funny car?

-Are you an eccentric millionaire?

-No. I'm a taxi driver.

-Waxy slider?

-Pixie spider?

-Tixie strider?

-A taxi driver. People pay me to take them where they want.

-What?

Play back on the rewind selector! They pay you actual golden guineas?

Yes, of course they pay me. You didn't think I did this for fun?

-That is exactly what I thought.

-Nothing's free these days.

-Apart from the seesaw.

-We're not allowed to use that. We're "too big".

That boy did fly into a tree!

-This taxington ride will be a pretty penny.

-Yes. £10 per mile.

-Extra for petrol.

-Double for wheels.

A bit on top for windscreen wipers and not falling into a pit.

-I shouldn't think we'd get much change out of £1,000!

-£1,000?

-About £1,000!

-It's too much. £1,000!

-Ridiculous.

-I won't pay it!

To be driven round in your funny taxi cabbington.

No, from here into town it's £4.50.

-£1,000?

-It's too much £1,000!

-It's absurd.

-£1,000? To be trundled into town in your trixie cab?

I tell you what we'll do. We will buy an exciting helicopter.

We shall hire an experienced pilot and he will fly us into town!

I hope a mallard flies in through your window and sits on your head.

That's a kind of duck.

I will accept your request!

MUSIC: "She's So Lovely" by Scouting For Girls

SHE SCREAMS

-Hello, Simon.

-Hello, headmaster, governor.

-What have you got to show us?

-This is brilliant.

This is a brand new game guaranteed to please the whole family!

-Very good.

-I call this game...

Fox In The Box.

Inside this box

is a furious fox.

The furious fox is wearing one shoe.

He HATES wearing it.

It's partly because of the shoe that he's so furious.

R-right.

The object of the game is to put your hands in these holes here

and try to get the shoe from the fox.

It sounds very entertaining, and the growl from the box is convincing.

What are you using as a fox?

-It's a fox.

-You've got a real fox in there?

-Did I mention that he was furious?

-You did, yes.

OK, who wants to play Fox In The Box?

SNARLING

I see. Little bit nervous, that's fine.

Why don't I have a wee go to start us off? OK, Phil!

In we go.

Let's get that shoe!

SNARLING AND GROWLING

Aargh! Aaaargh!

-What does the holder of the fox's shoe win?

-Aargh!

Well, they get a pet fox! Aaargh!

Ha-ha-ha! Ow-ow-ow!

-So, will you let me know?

-WHISPERS:

-We'll let you know.

I've been to the moon, but you can't beat the excitement

of guessing the weight of a fruit cake.

I've been practising for weeks!

My mum has been baking cakes of every size for me to guess!

I'm going to say one kilo exactly.

Are you out of your mind?

That's 903 grams.

-That was brilliant!

-What a thrill!

Can I have a go, please?

Just pick it up and guess the weight.

I would say...

one kilo 6.5 grams!

What's the prize? What do I win?

Is it another cake?

BELL RINGS

-There's something wrong.

-Something's different.

The food. It smells like...

ALL: Food!

Ask her what's going on.

-No. She'll press the button of doom.

-It's not there.

Right. I'm going to talk to her.

A-herm! Excuse me.

Oh, hello. What can I do for you?

Um... We...wanted some lunch.

I don't like this!

-Well, what do you fancy?

-Um...

What's your favourite food?

I like a pepperoni pizza.

Cheese burger?

Lobster thermador?

-It looks like you're in luck.

-We can have our favourite lunch?

-No strings attached?

-Course. Let me get that for you.

No strings attached.

-What's going on?

-ALARM BLARES

But there's plenty of rope!

-I love April Fool's Day.

-It's August 9th.

Shut up!

That's your new boiler installed. Should work a treat.

That's a relief, now the weather's getting a bit colder. Hey? Ha-ha.

Yeah, right. I've set it nice and low for you.

-I'll make you out an invoice and I'll be on my way.

-Hang on.

Why have you set the heating so low?

That's probably warm enough at the moment.

-Have you even turned it on?

-Of course I've turned it on.

-How come that's reading zero and there's a light flashing saying "This boiler is off"?

-Er...

What's going on here? Are you trying to pull a fast one?

-No.

-I know when someone's trying to rip me off!

I'm not. It's just that it will get quite hot.

You are not getting a penny until I know this system works.

Unless you want me to call your supervisor.

I've made a note of your name.

Now, turn the heating on.

I'll put it on quite low.

No, no, no. Put it on properly. There.

It might take a while for the radiators to get up to the warmth...

Great.

Well, that seems to be in working order.

Probably best if you turn it down again.

Yeah, a bit more.

Bit more.

Bit more.

Great.

Don't suppose you've got a mop and bucket, have you?

And can you feel this?

I don't feel a thing. I don't have any control over them.

-Ow!

-I've seen this before. You've got surrogate arm syndrome.

-Oh, no!

-It's reasonably common in people of your age.

-Right. Interesting. Is there any treatment?

-Yes.

Yes. It's an injection in both hands with this massive needle!

Argh! My arms! Where are my arms?

Ah. Phew. Thanks, doctor.

Gary, what are you doing here?

Um...

Ah, yes.

This looks like a perfect place to set up camp.

-It's a bit bleak, isn't it?

-Oh, ho. Nonsense.

Breathe in that country air. All weekend, the three of us.

In a field. Brilliant(!)

It will be fascinating for Philipe to see some English countryside.

Bof.

Yes. I'll leave you two to put your tents up.

I'm going to wander back to that farm shop, get us something to eat.

-Aren't you going to put yours up?

-Non.

-What?

-You can do it for me.

-No way.

-Way.

Also, I want you to give me your sleeping bag in case I get cold.

That's it. I am going to tell Dad that you can speak English and...

I managed to intercept the farmer's wife in the lambing shed

and I've got us a platter of cured meats.

Oh, well done, Philipe. You've put that up really well.

Oh, you haven't started yours yet.

No excuses. You're just being lazy. No cured meat for you.

Rien de jambon pour vous, Danny.

I'm going to get you, Philipe La Vavasure!

Oh, this is fun!

YAWNS Well, I'm done in.

-Bed time for me.

-Oui. Bon soir, Dennis.

What?

Right, I'll see you boys in the morning.

Eh, Danny. You have to give me your sleeping bag.

-Oh, yes.

-Alors! Donnez-moi!

-Sorry, Philipe.

-Merci.

I'm sure you'll sleep really well.

Since I stuffed it full of stinging nettles.

Ai! Ai-ai-ai!

Argh!

Yes! Got you, Philipe La Vavasure!

The Zombie News Network,

bringing you zombie news 24 hours a day.

Style news, and top zombie model, Unknown Female, came a cropper

when she got her high heel stuck in the catwalk.

Ever the trouper, she decided the show MUST go on.

'Emily and Monty Forest, tired of never winning a role in a musical, decided to mount their own show.

'They decided to write it, direct it, design it and produce it,

'all on their own.'

HE SINGS TUNEFULLY: # ..When hope was high and life worth living

# I dreamed that love would never die... #

-Amazing. I didn't expect that.

-WHISPERS:

-I know!

He's got the most amazing voice.

But there's a tinsy-winsy little problem.

-What do you mean?

-Look.

-# ..and dreams were made... #

-I'll show you.

Er, Mont?

# There was no ransom...

SQUEAKY AND TUNELESS: # ..to be paid. #

-Oh! High five me, Mont!

-Happened again, didn't it?

-It certainly did.

-Sounded like a shot fox.

He can't get a note if he thinks that anyone's watching.

-What are you going to do?

-We will find a way round it. Oh, yes.

You don't think it'll be a problem?

What have you done before when he's sung in front of an audience?

It's never come up.

Me and the Mr Montyvator are nothing if not resourceful!

-We're nothing.

-We'll find a Forest solution.

We always do. We're Forests.

-Are you looking away?

-Yes, Montacus, I am.

-Do you promise?

-Scout's honour.

-What about the film crew?

-We're all looking away.

-OK, Montacus, go!

TUNEFUL AND CLEAR: # The most beautiful sound that I ever heard

SCREECHES: # Maria! #

-Are you looking at me?

-Yes, we are.

-I could tell.

The voice felt like it wobbled.

TUNEFUL: # I closed my eyes Drew back the...

SCREECHES: # ..curtain!

TUNEFUL: # To see for certain what I thought

SCREECHES: # ..I knew

TUNEFUL: # And in the

SCREECHES: # East

TUNEFUL: # The dawn was breaking... #

Methinks me have found a solution to the whole problem.

-Where's Monty?

-He's outside.

-OK, Monty! Go!

-OK!

TUNEFUL: # Mama mia, here I go again... #

You see, it works if Monty and the audience are in different rooms.

A director said that to us and I never knew what it meant until now.

DOG BARKS

SCREECHES: # ..I'd be broken-hearted...! #

Sorry. Small dog looked at me.

Who'd have thought? Even animals set me off!

Think we've got what it takes?

Oh, yeah. We've definitely got it.

SCREECHES: # I'd be broken-hearted

# My, my... #

We'll just get your prescription for you.

-Shouldn't be more than a moment.

-Louise?

-From Oatwood Primary?

-That's me.

-It's Peter. Er... Pete.

-I used to sit behind you.

-Oh, yes. I remember. How are you?

-Really good. Thank you.

-Oh, good. Wonderful. Wonderful.

I don't mean to be too forward, but maybe you'd like to go for a coffee?

-Oh, er...

-Louise.

I am very sorry. You know you needed Itchy Creme for your rashes?

I'm afraid we're fresh out.

-Ooh.

-Did you need it urgently?

I tell you what, I will ask Alf.

-Alf!

-Yeah!

-Do we have any Itchy Creme on the shelves?

-Itchy Creme? That's bum cream, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Do we have any tubes of BUM cream on the shelves?

-I'll have a look.

Bum cream! Bum cream!

Bum cream!

So, um...about that coffee?

Alf, it says here she needs six big tubes!

-Blimey! That's a lot of bum cream.

-It is.

-Oh, dear.

Um, still fancy that coffee, or...?

No.

Is this the Office of International World Records?

Yes. You come here every day.

I know! I know I do! That's where I recognise you from!

I've come to break the world record for the longest handstand.

Sally, world's longest handstand record, please?

-Have you got any biscuits?

-No.

-PHONE RINGS

Yes? ..Thank you, Sally.

The world's longest handstand is one day, 17 hours and 20 seconds.

Ah! Nothing! Got that beat!

Here we go. I've been doing this for years.

Hm. Huey! Huey!

Here we go. Right... Oh. Give me a second.

-Have you ever done a handstand?

-Yes, I have. Yes. Twice.

Not on my hands, per se.

Here we go. Right.

Are you ready?

One, two, three...

Aargh!

How was that? How long?

-One second.

-What's the record?

-One day, 17 hours and 20 seconds.

So close!

Can you help me up?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

I'll get you, Philipe La Vavasure!

Witch! She's a witch!

-Maybe my bees can help.

-Your imagination!

-£1,000!

-£1,000!