Episode 9 Sorry I've Got No Head

# La la la-la la-la

# La la la-la la la la

# O-o-oh...

# La la la-la la-la

# La la la-la la-la

# La la la-la la la la. #

That was brilliant! I never realised chess could be so physical.

Yeah, well, it's new judo chess - it's much more fun.

The way you threw that Russian boy on the ground

when he tried to take your bishop was brilliant!

I just wish I'd done better.

I played 205 games and I lost every single one.

Are you hungry?

Oh, yeah. All that exercise has left me starving!

I'll make you a sandwich and not just any old sandwich,

-one that will make you better at chess.

-Really?

-Yeah, follow me.

CRACK OF THUNDER Mwahahaha! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hang on!

-Is this one of your mad experiments?

-Why would you say that?

Well, the...

..and the...and all of the... Oh, never mind.

Behold! Bravery Enhancing Laminate 8209.

It is one of your mad experiments! I'm not eating it.

-Go on.

-No!

-Your experiments always go wrong and I end up suffering.

-Nonsense!

Oh, yeah? What happened that time you tried that new fake tan on me?

-It worked, didn't it?

-I went bright orange!

Ahhhh! 'I looked like a satsuma!'

I've learned a lot from that mistake.

Honestly, this bravery enhancing sandwich is brilliant!

-No.

-Yes.

-No.

-Yes?

-No.

-YES!

-No.

-No.

-Yes.

-Brilliant.

Oh! Why are you so good at tricking me?

HE SIGHS

Mmm. At least it tastes quite nice.

HIGH VOICE: Oh, hang on. I can feel something weird happening!

CLATTERING

That probably shouldn't have happened.

That's the wrong kind of knight.

-MUFFLED VOICE: Help! I can't move!

-It's not your turn.

Oh, hello. I'm so sorry. I was wondering if you could help me?

-I've lost my dog.

-What does he look like?

-He's quite big.

He's white with black spots. Can you help me find him?

-I'm sorry, I haven't seen him.

-OK. Thanks a lot.

Oh! There's a bad boy!

There's a bad boy! Mummy was worried.

-Just getting you a paper!

-What?

Eh... Woof! Definitely, woof.

-What do you want to drink?

-A fizzy orange, please.

Oh, Eddie?

-A small fizzy orange.

-Good choice!

I think I'll have a fizzy orange too.

OK, one fizzy orange for my bestest pal in the whole world.

He-e-ere's yours!

I went for the large.

That drink was too small! Right?

-EDDIE LAUGHS

-I'm still pretty thirsty.

I thought you would be. That's why I got you an ice lolly as well,

for my bestest pal in the whole world, and here it comes!

Oh, come on -

Eddie, you've done it again!

That's too big!

SAD MUSIC PLAYS Danny!

I was trying to be nice to my bestest pal in the whole world.

I got you the biggest, bestest lolly in the shop.

VOICE BREAKS: You turned it down!

-I'm really hurt!

-I'm sorry.

-EDDIE CRIES

I just got a bit of a shock cos of...how big it is!

Which means, it's the best!

You better get licking cos it's starting to melt

and Deano said if you get any on this floor, he's going to tell your mum.

Oh, no, Eddie! My tongue's stuck!

Deano, help me, quick!

OK, Deano. One, two, three!

Argh!

-Ben, have you got the car keys?

-CAR ALARM

-No, why?

-The car's going mad.

The lights are flashing, the doors are locking and unlocking,

the alarm's going off. Can you check down the back of the sofa?

BEN GROWLS ANGRILY

Agh! Oh! CRASH!

MAN SHOUTS NONSENSE

-Feel the music!

-RATTLES SPOONS OFF CAR KEYS

CAR KEYS BEEP

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-I'm making...beautiful music.

CAR KEYS BEEP MAN SHOUTS RANDOMLY

Stop! Stop!

-You're creating havoc up there.

-I...

-Look, I just need the key.

-No way, Jose!

-That is F sharp.

-Please, just give me the key.

Maybe we should play a game.

I like games. Yes.

If nasty little boy

can make music as BEAUTIFUL as Tony's

from anything, ANYTHING, in Tony's cave,

then, he can have F sharp.

Look, I don't have time for...

OK. It's a deal.

RADIO PLAYS

#...Although no-one understood We were holding back the flood

# Learning how to dance the rain... #

So beautiful! What are you talking about?

Listen to the music, the lyrics are so meaningful.

What's gotten into you? You've changed!

Maybe I'm...not a beast, after all.

Take it nasty, short, little boy.

Thanks.

KEYS JINGLE

Such beautiful...harmonies.

RADIO PLAYS Found it, Mum!

Oh, great. Bring it here, quick.

Tony take it, ah ha-ha!

Right, I'll put the kettle on.

Oh! Did you put that mousetrap down, like I asked?

-MOUSE SQUEAKS

-Yes, in the dining room, last night.

Oh! And it was definitely a mouse trap, was it?

Of course, what sort of other traps are there?

HIGH PITCHED: Oh!

CLEARS THROAT

Yeah, well, eh... I didn't read it. I was in a bit of a rush.

Take it back and get the right one!

Yeah, well, eh... What do I do with him, then?

Put him outside so he can find his friends.

I would rather not touch him.

Look, he's more scared of you than you are of him.

Is he?

MAN SIGHS

Right...

VIKING MUMBLES

-Arhhh!

-Ahh!

-A-a-ah!

-A-a-ah!

-A-a-ah!

-A-a-ah!

MOUSE LAUGHS

RADIO PLAYS

-CRASH!

-Oh!

A flat tyre, of all things!

Now I'm going to be late for my Anti-lateness class.

This is a disaster!

I don't know how to change a flat tyre because I got a flat tyre

on the way to my How To Change A Flat Tyre class!

My life is ruined! Everything's awful!

-Maybe my bees can help.

-What?

I said, maybe my bees can help.

Sorry, I don't follow you.

It's little known that bees are excellent motor mechanics.

In fact, bees had the idea for the AA, the RAC and Green Flag,

though the current owners don't like to shout about it.

-Bees aren't mechanics.

-Ha-ha, I'll forgive your scepticism.

Soon you'll be eating your own foolish words

and driving off, a happy man.

I'll issue my bees with a few simple instructions

and they will fly to your aid, flat tyre fellow.

-Really?

-Using their mechanical brains and tiny tool kits,

hidden in their nectar-carrying leg bags,

they will use the combined power of their legs and stripy strength

to have your flat tyre changed in no time at all!

They can really do that? That's incredible!

No, it's incredi-bee-l.

BEES BUZZ

-MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

-Bzzz, flat tyre.

Bzzz, help him. Bzzz, sceptical chap, though.

Bzzz, get on with it!

Ooh, almost forgot.

-MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

-Buzz, buzz.

Now, fly my tiny buzzing, mechanic friends!

Ugh! No, no! Ahhh! No, the car!

Fix the wheel! Ah! Ouch! HIGH PITCHED: Fix the car!

Ow! No, the flat tyre, not my face! Ahhh! Ow!

My beautiful face! Whaa!

'Ladies and gentlemen, for refreshments

'the trolley will pass through the plane.'

Trolley coming through!

Please make room for the trolley service.

-Any snacks or drinks?

-Excuse me?

-Yes, what is it?

Can I get a cold drink, please?

If you must.

-What are you doing?

-Health and safety regulations.

The cans get shaken up during the flight,

we wouldn't want them to explode.

-Don't want you to get sticky pop over your face, do we?

-I suppose not.

Well, this one seems to be fine.

Now we've opened it, we're not allowed to sell that to you.

Unfortunately not, Colin. Ah, well, shame to let it go to waste.

That one seems to be all right as well.

And this one. I'm doing two, it makes it quicker, doesn't it?

-COLIN RIFTS

-Oh!

Excuse me, I'll just have a sandwich instead.

-There you go.

-Oop, Colin!

-Ah!

-Don't forget - health and safety.

(Of course.)

Sorry, what now?

Unfortunately, madam, these sandwiches have got very sharp edges

and it would be horrible if you caught on those. So, we'll just...

-That's better.

-A bit of sharpness...

Watch that one. That's another one.

-Can I just have a bar of chocolate instead?

-Whatever you say.

Ah! Malcolm - health and safety, please. Look at the edges on that.

-She could have her eye out.

-Absolutely right, Colin.

Better safe than sorry.

OK, is there anything that is safe enough for me to have?

Let's have a look here. Ah! Yes.

I've got something safe for you to have.

-Good, thank you.

-There you go. Just don't put it over your head.

PFRRT! BELCH!

-That third can of ginger beer may have been a mistake.

-Oh, Colin!

Ladies and gents, the trolley is closed

-and the toilet's out of action for...

-40.

-40 minutes.

Trolley coming through. PFRRT!

-Hold it, Colin.

-I don't know if I can, Malcolm.

-PARP!

-This one's fast.

'We can confirm that alien ships have landed

'in every major city.

'They are hostile and their stated aim is...

-BOOM!

-'..to enslave humanity for eternity.

'But first, here's John with the weather.'

Oh, no! That's not good news.

-SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

-What? Oh, Mum! No!

Hello, Prime Minister? My son will deal with the aliens.

DEAN MOUTHS Yes, that's right.

And you will remember to tell all the other world leaders?

OK. Well, he's on his way.

Well, they're all very relieved

and asked if you could get a move on.

Oh, but, Mum, I can't do this!

I can't fight an army of intelligent extraterrestrials.

Dean, don't do yourself down! You're intelligent too.

-You won that prize at school.

-That was for most improved handwriting.

I don't think that's going to cut it.

They are more scared of you than you are of them.

LOW RUMBLING

Oh, look! Can't we just hide in the cupboard?

Dean, I have told everyone that you are going to slay the alien race.

-Do you want to show me up in front of all the world leaders?

-No.

Right. Well, get your costume on.

DEAN SIGHS

Where's your overpants?

I am NOT wearing the overpants, they look ridiculous!

Dean, I am not sending you out half-dressed.

-What will the aliens think of me, as a mother?

-I'm not wearing them!

This might be the end of the world.

I'm not going out there looking ridiculous!

-I'm going to wear my tracksuit instead.

-But, Dean!

That's the new one! It will get ruined in the Apocalypse!

I don't care.

I am not wearing the overpants!

-ALIENS ATTACK

-Whaa! Ahhh!

-Go on then, Dean!

-Put some effort into it!

-Ahhh!

Do you want to show me up in front of the extraterrestrials?

SPLAT!

OK, let's try it with the overpants.

Having trouble combing your hair?

That's because it's spaghetti, you wally!

That's for eating, not for combing.

If you use that for your hair, what have you got for your dinner?

A plate of hair?

Go to your room, you silly man!

Hello?

Hello, anybody here?

I found this flyer, rather expensively framed

and nailed to my sitting room wall.

-Hello, there.

-Ahhh!

-How are you?

-You are how? There, hello.

Do excu-u-use Mr Faraway.

He's taken to saying everything backwards in order to grow younger.

And it's working! I've lost six minutes since I started. Blast it!

-Started I since minutes six lost I've.

-It's rather confusing.

He does everything backwards.

You should see him at lunch time, it's quite the sight.

-I shall bear that in mind. Now, about this flyer.

-Hah!

There's a missing portrait and a hole in the plaster that we must discuss.

Frame the for you charge even shan't we.

He says, we shan't even charge you for the frame.

Just tell me where the painting's gone.

Oh! Painting, schmainting. Who cares about a priceless antique,

when you are in,

-the Museum Of The Imagination?

-Imagination The Of Museum!

Oh, Mr Faraway, must you say everything backwards?

-Yes, I'm afraid so.

-What a pity.

Beneath this cloth lies the incubating egg of the diplodocus.

Kept warm, near the centre of the earth,

perhaps one day it shall hatch.

-Hatch shall it day one perhaps.

-Mmm.

-That is fascinating!

If you listen closely, you can hear its tiny heartbeat.

Madam, prepare to be dazzled, when you see the egg

of the last surviving dinosaur,

-IN YOUR IMAGINATION!

-IMAGINATION YOUR IN!

It doesn't work if you do it backwards!

I'm sorry, Mr Elevenses, my hands are tied. I wish I could help you.

There's nothing on the plinth!

Well, of course there is.

-In your imagination!

-Imagination your in!

Tomothy. There's something about this that doesn't work.

Perhaps I should instruct my lawyers to send you a bill.

I've already told you, my dear, there's no charge at all.

All at charge no there's.

Besides, you have yet to see fleece golden the.

The golden fleece.

The magnificent prize,

sought by Jason and the crew of the Argo.

Madam, prepare to be dazzled...

-IN YOUR IMAGINATION!

-IMAGINATION YOUR IN!

Oh, oh...

Isn't this against the Trade Descriptions Act?

Ohhh, I don't see why, it's clearly there...

-IN YOUR IMAGINATION!

-IMAGINATION YOUR IN!

That's it. I'm going to phone the council and have you shut down.

Of course. You have our full support.

Really?

BOTH: IN YOUR IMAGINATION!

Oh, Mr Faraway, you've gone forward again, hooray and huzzah!

-Elevenses Mr, goodness thank.

-MR ELEVENSES SIGHS

'Today, Zombie News Network is launching an appeal.

'It's easy to forget that there's more to zombies

'than just staggering around the street aimlessly,

'with a soulless, vacant expression.

'That's why we're asking you to sponsor a zombie.

'Just a few pounds pays for one of our volunteers

'to supervise a zombie day out, like this one.

'Our trained personnel will make sure that every member of the undead

'on our programme, has as much fun as it's possible to have,

'when your existence consists of only confusion,

'punctuated by overwhelming rage.'

THUMP!

'So please, give as much as you can today, to zombie aid,

'because zombies are people too.'

'Please note, zombies are no longer people.'

VIOLIN PLAYS

'This is the Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.

'It's a big day for Ross, a milestone in a young man's life,

'as he is taking his Bikeability test.'

So, Valerie, why is the test taking place in here?

Originally, it was scheduled to be outside but...

..unfortunately, the weather has beaten us again.

I don't see why I have to do the test, anyway.

There's only two roads on the whole island and nobody has a car!

-It is for your own safety and other road users.

-What, the sheep?

Ross, did you or did you not...

have a collision with a sheep, only last month?

-Yes, but...

-Ross, were you on your bike?

Well, I was but that, that sheep is mad! It's got it in for me.

Nonetheless, greater awareness might have prevented the accident.

I'm aware of that sheep all the time. It gives me nightmares!

WIND BLOWS

'Ah. So, Archie, are you taking the test as well?'

Aye. On here, I took my grandmother's bike 18 years ago,

but there's no been a test up till now.

I've had to walk eight miles a day,

so it will be good to be finally street legal.

'But you can ride a bike without a Bikeability certificate,

'it's just a recommendation.'

Oh, I didn't know that.

Eight miles a day for 18 years.

It's probably no that far.

Archie, that's twice around the earth.

'In order to administer the test,

'Valerie has developed an ingenious method of assessing the candidate.'

What we've done is recreated some of the typical road situations

that you might find around the island.

So, right, gentlemen.

You will move around the course in a safe manner,

whilst I assess your manoeuvrability skills.

OK. Go!

MUSIC: "Born To Be Wild" by Steppenwolf

That's it.

Don't bunch up too much, gentlemen, please.

Three metres between you.

Watch out for the sheep, Ross.

I've never felt so free.

Archie, look out!

-Whoa, Oh!

-CRASH!

Ahhh!

Back on board, gentlemen, please.

'Later that day and the results are in.'

Congratulations Ross, you are proficient.

Not much use though, not after what Archie done to my front wheel.

It's like Miss Carpenter said,

you have to be three metres from the bicycle in front.

(Yes, three metres.)

I'm so sorry, Archie, I couldn't pass you this time.

I simply couldn't overlook the fact that you crushed

the Post Office with your stabiliser and then fell on the school.

There's always next year.

Aye.

-All right, Pete.

-All right, Carl.

-What are you looking for?

I put a custard pie in here about a month ago... There it is!

Look at that. Good as new.

-Put it on the table to defrost.

-Yeah.

-Why don't you use the microwave?

-Oh, the microwave. It's broken.

That reminds me, a man's coming to repair it in a second.

-Back in a bit.

-Yeah, yeah.

CIRCUS THEME PLAYS

CYMBALS CLASH

MONKEY SHRIEK

-It's just through here.

-Right.

-THUMP!

-Ow!

-Oh! Ah.

-What's going on?

This clown just hit me in the face with a frozen pie!

-Like being smacked in the nose with a paving slab.

-I'm so sorry.

I don't know what came over me and I just... I'm sorry.

I'm sure he didn't mean it.

Would you mind looking at the microwave, anyway?

Well, now I'm done, I suppose. I'll have a look.

This is unacceptable behaviour!

I know, I know. I'll get some help.

All right, I see what your problem is.

Ahh! You just tripped a fuse switch on the back, there.

-So you can defrost things in that now?

-Yep.

How much do I owe you?

Erm...call out charge, frozen pie in the face, let's say 50 quid?

-MICROWAVE BEEPS

-Right, I'll get me wallet.

MONKEY SHRIEK

-SPLAT!

-Oooh!

Oh!

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

-How much do I owe you?

-Let's call it 100.

Let me give you a...

This always happens.

Well, what a surprise!

I've once again been joined by some extremely illustrious company,

in the form of the BGSOGB, which means the...

-Neville Mall.

-Oh, aye.

The Blueberry Growers Society Of Great Britain.

And I've absolutely no idea why they're here.

-She does know, we told her.

-So, to what do I owe the pleasure?

Well, due to your continuing excellent support

for the blueberry growers industry,

we would like to present to you this award, as a thank you.

Clap. Clap!

Well, thank you!

And once again, a very big thank you for coming along

and bringing me this award today.

Particularly, as I do know that one of you has recently

lost your sense of smell during a water park accident.

Ooh! WOMAN PASSES WIND

THUD!

Any... PASSES WIND AGAIN

Where have they gone?

BELL RINGS

-OMG!

-Say it.

-Do you know what's totally hot right now?

-No, what's hot?

-The Factor. The Factor is so hot right now.

I love the Factor! It's so hot right now.

The Factor is so hot right now cos it's like, this amazing journey.

Cos you're like, not famous or anything.

Then you like, go to boot camp and Louis Walsh is there. Ha-ha!

And you do a song and you're all like, famous.

There's confetti cannons, Dermot O'Leary and things.

You get all the rubbish ones at the beginning

and it's like, totes hilarious and LOL random!

-The Cowell.

-Totes, the Cowell.

-Love the Cowell.

-The Cowell is amazeballs.

Because he's so like, HONEST and FUNNY,

because like, if someone's rubbish and Cheryl Cole is all like,

"No, pet, like, I think she was totally givin' it

"a million and ten per cent and I think she's a real battler, like,"

Simon Cowell is all like, "Ugh, that was rubbish. It was like, RUBS!"

Because he says it like it is. Because that's who he is, isn't he?

Which is good cos if he was your friend, he would be totally honest.

Like when you wore white hot pants and your bum looked like a fridge.

He'd tell it to your face. We all said it behind your back.

But he'd, like, TOTES tell it to your face!

Yeah? And that time you had a bogey stuck to your cheek in assembly,

Simon Cowell would have pointed that out and said something sarcastic.

TOILET FLUSHES

-He so would. He's so rude! Like, who is he?

-Like, who is he?

I'm all like, who are you, Mr Simon Cowell?

Who are you, Mr Simon "I'm from X Factor" Cowell?

What are your credentials, Cowell from X Factor, with your hair?!

-That hair!

-Oh, I hate the Factor!

-I hate the Factor!

-The Factor is so not hot right now.

-So.

-Not.

-Hot.

-A-a-ah!

-Bla-a-ah!

Ooh!

What is that SMELL?

Oh, that's high. What is it? Ooh!

What is THAT?!

Baby lotion?

-BABY BABBLES

-Milk?

-No.

-Milk that's come up again?

-Nope. Whoo!

It's candyfloss!

-Candyfloss?

-Candyfloss.

MECHANICAL THRUMMING

There you go.

Oh!

Oh, when's this bus?

Well, I've had the results back and it looks to me

you've got a very nasty case of Soap Opera Reflex.

So what you tryin' to say? What does it all mean?

Well, it means you tend to overreact in certain situations.

No-o-o! Leave it out, doc.

-How can you say that to me?

-There we go.

Yeah, that is quite weird. Am I going to get this a lot?

You should expect it to happen at least three times a week.

How am I going to tell the missus?

The kids - they're relying on me to be a father. How can I do that now?

How can I look them in the eye?

This looks like quite a bad episode you're having.

What can I do? You've got to help me, doc!

I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.

DOCTOR COUGHS

AGGRESIVE ACCENT: It looks like it's contagious.

EASTENDERS-LIKE DRUM BEATS

# La la la-la la-la... #

I made you miss!

Tony take, is mine!

I'll get you, Philippe Bloodfuvver Soeur!

Witch, she's a witch!

Maybe my bees can help.

-A thousand pounds!

-A thousand pounds!

BOTH: IN YOUR IMAGINATION!