Episode 10 Sorry I've Got No Head


Episode 10

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BELL RINGS

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OMG, Sades.

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-Jades.

-So, you know, like, what's hot?

-What? What's hot?

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Vampires and werewolves are so hot right now.

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Oh, vampires and werewolves are so hot right now.

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Books and computer games, hats and vampires and werewolves are so hot.

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Imagine you had a boyfriend that was a vampire

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-or a werewolf like Robert Pattinson from Twilight.

-Like R Patz?

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It's so hot right now to say R Patz.

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If you had a vampire or a werewolf boyfriend, your dad would be like,

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"You're not wearing that mini skirt to the zoo,

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"it's not a fashion parade."

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Robert Pattinson would totally, like, eat him.

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Like, so totally eat him.

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He'd, like, go and sit in a tree and be all brooding and lush and like...

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Your mum would be, like, totally vexed.

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Even though it is totally in his nature to do that.

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She'd still be, like, really miffed.

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She said if I get into anymore trouble,

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I'm not allowed to, like, get my ears pierced.

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Robert Pattinson is so lame. I actually call him R Pants,

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because he's actually like a pair of pants. Like, rubbish.

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I'm so over R Pants and totes like vampires and werewolves.

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They're so not hot.

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-So not hot.

-So.

-Not.

-Hot.

-Urgh.

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If you want my advice,

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never bet a friend you can eat soup whilst jumping on a trampoline!

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I don't need croutons!

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Right. I'll put the kettle on.

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Oh! Did you put that mouse trap down like I asked?

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I put one in the dining room last night.

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And it was definitely a mouse trap you put down?

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Well, of course. What other traps are there?

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"Mrs Gigglesworth of 53 St John's Avenue trap".

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There really are some specific ones, aren't there?

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Take it back to the shop and get the right one, will you?

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This is so embarrassing. I'm sorry about this, Mrs Gigglesworth.

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-My husband's bought the wrong type of trap - again.

-Sorry.

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Oh, don't worry about it, dear. This always happens. I said...

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What shall I do with her?

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Just put her over the back fence, I reckon.

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..was it Tuesday? No, it was Wednesday.

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I said to my Bill, "No matter how many times I say..."

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MOUSE LAUGHS

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I just feel this odd tension all the time.

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-Can you describe it?

-Well, it's all over my body, really.

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I can't seem to do anything right

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and I just feel self-conscious all the time.

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Can I stop you there? Thank you, I think we've heard enough.

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For me, that was just dull.

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I have to disagree with you. I thought it was phenomenal.

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The way that he made the symptoms his own, I totally believed him.

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Well, I really like him. I think you could go all the way.

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-It looks like you've got celebrity judges.

-I think you're wrong.

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Is there anything you can do?

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Is that a referral to a specialist?

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No, you've made it through to boot camp. Good luck.

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Emily and Monty Forest are deep into rehearsal for their very own show.

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The script is written, they've got their cast, they're set.

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Now they need to choose which one of them will also direct the show

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that they hope will catapult them into the stratosphere.

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As we speak, Emily and Monty

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are using every ounce of their theatrical knowledge

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to decide who has the best skills for the job.

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So, here we go. One, two, three...

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-Cats!

-Oliver!

-Cats eat gruel.

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Emily, Monty, what are you guys up to?

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We're just playing a game of Cats, Oliver, Wicked.

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Where Cats beats Oliver

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and Wicked beats Cats with magic

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and Wicked beats Oliver with magic.

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So, Wicked would win every time?

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-Yeah, because of the magic.

-Magic beats everything.

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Why don't you just choose Wicked every time?

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Cats eat gruel.

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And we're playing a game of Cats, Oliver, Wicked

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to decide who's going to direct today's rehearsal.

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-And Monty...

-Mew!

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..has won. So today could be kind of exciting. Hmm?

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Has he got a lot of experience with directing?

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Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

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I've been directing now since...

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-Monday.

-Monday. Which went great.

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I had it stop, have a bit of a lie down. Windy pops.

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Whole-wheat bagel, havoc.

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Well, listen, we don't want to get in your way.

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Why don't you get on with the show?

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Thank you, a bit of space.

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Mr Bloomstock, I'm so glad I found you.

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I've got a script and I think you're really going to love it.

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-How was that?

-Great.

-Yeah?

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Great, I'm going to get you to go again, similar,

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but a little bit more Spanish!

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SPANISH ACCENT: Senor Bloomstock, I'm so glad to have found you.

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I've got a script for you, you're really going to love.

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Stop there. OK. We'll go again, this time I want you to put a limp in.

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Senor Bloomstock, I'm so glad to have found you.

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I've got a script for you you're really going to love.

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That is very, very good, Emily.

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-Yeah?

-Very good. Explore it again, only in a much bigger big hat.

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Senor Bloomstock, I'm so glad to have found you. I brought you a script...

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Good. Good, good. Yes.

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Go again, this time eating cake.

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Senor Bloomstock...

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She's on the phone, go!

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Senor Bloomstock, I'm so glad...

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In a strong wind.

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Senor Bloomstock...

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And on a trampette.

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Senor Bloomstock.

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I'm so glad I've found you.

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I've got a script I know you're going to love.

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Do you know, I think you're doing too much. I do.

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I think that the character's simpler than that. Just try simple.

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I'm really glad I've found you.

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I've got a script I know you're going to love.

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That's the one.

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We've found it. Wonderful.

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Wonderful. Good work.

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Take five, everybody. Five.

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Oh, no! I haven't finished getting all the dust and debris

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off this brilliant dinosaur fossil.

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This is my last day in the museum before I fly off to Kuala Lumpur

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and this was my last brush.

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My career in archaeology is ruined.

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Maybe my bees can help?

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What?

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I said, maybe my bees can help?

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Sorry, I don't think I understand.

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It is a little known fact that bees have a keen interest in archaeology.

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Did you know that bees discovered the first triceratops?

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Although, being bees, they couldn't tell anyone.

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-Right.

-I'll give my bees some simple instructions

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and they will fly to your aid, my archaeologist friend.

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-Really?

-For sure.

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Using their tiny delicate wings,

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my bees will gather around your precious fossil

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and blow away the dust and debris

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without harming your prehistoric artefact one bit.

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They'd do that for me?

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-How can I thank them?

-They don't need your thanks.

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The simple progress of archaeologist is thanks enough.

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Maybe a few vouchers.

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To business!

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Or, as these bees, would say, to bizzness!

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I will just give them a few brief instructions.

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Bzzz...Lovely archaeologist.

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Bzzz...Substandard brush.

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Bzzz...Help him win the archaeology prize.

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Ooh, almost forgot.

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BUZZ!

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Now fly, my pollen-obsessed beauties.

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No! No!

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Just the debris. Not my face!

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For the archaeology. No, not me.

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Found another brush.

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Bad bees!

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No, blow the debris away! Don't sting my face!

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The Zombie News Network,

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bringing you the latest zombie news, 24 hours a day.

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Sports news now, and Zombie Golf Open got underway today

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with Unknown Male currently the favourite to take the title.

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Interesting technique.

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Not sure it's going to help his game.

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Ben, have you seen the hairbrush?

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We can't go till you've brushed your hair.

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Oh, Mum. Where did you last see it?

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Try down the back of the sofa.

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Argh!

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Oh, this is a great merry-go-round.

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It's a lovely horse.

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Are you sure it's a horse?

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Of course it's a horse!

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Oh!

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-Hello.

-Tony take it.

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-I need that now.

-OK.

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Thanks.

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Tony take it! It's mine! It's mine!

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I think he means it's his.

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-No, it's mine! It's mine! It's mine.

-I thought you said I could have it?

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You can have the stick, but I'll keep the candy floss.

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Oh, yeah, I love it.

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Chocolate flavour!

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That's not candy floss.

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You can have some candy floss.

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No. That's all right, mate.

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Oh, no! No, he's taken the stick!

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Did you tell him we just want the candy floss?

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It's always my fault, isn't it? It is your fault.

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Found it!

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You need it, too. Look at the state of you.

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Now, where did I put those car keys?

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Tony take it! Ha ha!

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This will do it.

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Oh, you, little man.

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Isn't he lovely?

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Afternoon, how can I help?

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We would love to buy one of your washing machines, please.

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Yes, I'm absolutely fed up of washing my smalls by hand.

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Yes, it takes her three days.

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I have to bang the stains out with a chair leg.

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So, if you could just pop one of these on our account.

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-These aren't for sale, I'm afraid.

-Why ever not?

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-What sort of a washing machine shop is this?

-A rubbish one!

-No, sorry.

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Ladies, this is a launderette.

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-For people who don't have a machine at home.

-Well, how does that work?

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Yes, I can't imagine they strip off

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and wash their clothes standing there stark naked!

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Standing about in the street with no clothes on at all? The very idea!

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We'd get arrested every time.

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We can't risk it again.

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No, I can't do time. Not with this pretty face.

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No. You wear something different while you washing your clothes.

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Very good idea. I could wear your clothes.

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Yes, and I could wear yours, Jasmine.

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-Hang on. How will we get them clean?

-You didn't think of that, did you?

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You wear different clothes while you washed yours. You do have some?

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I could wear my old bridal gown.

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Let's not think of that terrible day.

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Oh, no. Let's not think of it.

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So, then what?

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Put your powder and conditioner in here, come to the driers,

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put your money...

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Oh, oh, oh, shut your face.

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-Terminate.

-You put money in?

-Money?

-Taxable, twinkling treasury tokens.

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-Big bucks, bonus bonanza, banana bling-bling?

-Nothing's free today.

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No. Apart from the ketchup they give you in the burger shop.

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-I filled my bath with that.

-No good for bathing. Can't get a lather up.

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Even if you get clean, you're all red and stink of tomatoes.

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This machine won't come cheap, I'd have thought.

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You'll pay a pretty penny for the powder too.

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Double for the creamy conditioner.

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You shove pound after pound into its greedy slot,

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just to get it going.

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And extra if you want it to stop.

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There wouldn't be much change out of £1,000,

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-when all's said and done.

-£1,000?!

-I'd say about £1,000.

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Well, it's ridiculous. £1,000 is too much!

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Ladies, a standard wash is £2.70.

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£1,000, I knew it!

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£1,000 is absurd!

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Much too much! It is crackers Lady Gaga cuckoo.

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Just to watch my smalls being spun about in your wish-wash.

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Yes. Come, Jasmine. Let us fly to Milan.

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There we shall get an expert tailor to run us up 800 duplicate copies

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of the same outfit so we can throw them away every single day.

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I hope you spot something in a drier,

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watch it go around and when you wake up

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you're hypnotised and think you're in Girls Aloud.

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Yes! Good day!

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And now the moment we've been waiting for all year long,

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mother's Christmas cake.

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She has been slaving over it since June.

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It is an amazing cake and I have the honour of cutting the first slice.

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Hurrah!

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CLINKING

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CLINKING

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That's odd.

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He's right, it's an amazing cake.

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Icing's a bit salty, though.

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What?

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So, I said to Iona, "If you think you're going out

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"pillaging dressed like that,

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"you've got another think coming."

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Chief! Chief! I have tremendous news again.

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Now, hang on, Sven. If this tremendous news is that

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you've stepped in dog poo again, tell us from outside the hut.

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No, Chief. It's a package from my cousin Bruce, in Australia.

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Oh, well, that is marvellous. Yes.

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Also, I have stepped in some dog poo.

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What did your cousin Bruce send you?

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I have no idea. Although I think it might be a corner. Or an L.

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Don't keep us waiting, let's see what it is. We could do with an new L.

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Ooh!

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You'd better let me have that, Sven. You're a very foolish Viking

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and you'll probably knock Olaf's horns off with it or something.

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Look, Bruce has left a note with the parcel.

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Perhaps it is instructions.

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"Dear Sven, I hope you are well.

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"You are the best Viking in the world."

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Does it really say that, Sven?

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-I don't know. I can't read.

-Oh,

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Sven! You're impossible

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with your mysterious wooden L and your dog pooey feet.

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I'll take this silly present

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from your cousin and I'll throw it away.

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Well, anyway...

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Argh!

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What wicked witchcraft is this? Why, this L has returned.

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Throw it away, Chief!

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Anyway, so, yes. I said, I said to Iona, "You know what,

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"when you've got your own hut, you can wear what you like."

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-"But until then, you're very much here..."

-Argh!

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Throw it away again! Get rid of it!

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By the love of the gods!

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Sticky Martin.

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He's got the stickiest hands in the world.

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APPLAUSE

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BOOING

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So, this is where you'll be working.

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Right, thanks.

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And thanks for giving me the job.

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No problem. We're very happy to have you here on the team.

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It gets pretty busy at lunch times, as you can imagine.

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It's best if you familiarise yourself with how things work now.

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Will do. So, what am I doing first?

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Flipping the burgers?

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Uh, no. We thought it might be best

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if you started off here, making the milkshakes.

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Oh. OK.

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But, presumably I'm going to be doing other stuff later.

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Cooking the fries, maybe?

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Maybe not.

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You see, it is probably best if you just stay handling the cold drinks.

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Smoothies, ice cubes.

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-Why would you think that?

-No... No reason.

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Well, why can't I work at the grill?

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-Well, it's just...

-Is this a snowman thing?

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No, no. Absolutely not. Absolutely not.

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You won't give me the good jobs cos I'm not as good as everyone else?

0:16:510:16:54

No, no, not at all. Please calm down.

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This sounds suspiciously like discrimination to me!

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Which, I'm sure I don't need to remind you, is against the law.

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It's just that grill tends to get quite hot.

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I can flip burgers just as well as anyone else.

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Yo! Ice-Ice Freezey.

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Can we get two more burgers over here, please? Thank you.

0:17:110:17:15

-Certainly. Two burgers coming up.

-Careful, mind!

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Milkshakes, you say?

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That does sound like a lot of fun, now that I think about it.

0:17:300:17:33

Jasper!

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Have you seen my dog?

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-No, sorry.

-I turned my back for a minute and he's just gone.

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He's quite big, he's white with black spots.

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Et voila, one tent.

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-Great, one bone.

-Oh, cheers.

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Oh, is that him?

0:17:500:17:52

Oh, yes it is. Jasper! You naughty boy!

0:17:520:17:56

What?! I was just helping to put a tent up.

0:17:560:17:58

-What?

-I mean, woof.

0:17:580:18:01

Definitely, woof!

0:18:010:18:02

I'm home! What's going on?

0:18:070:18:10

Happy Philippe Day!

0:18:140:18:17

-Happy what?

-Philippe Day. I thought we'd have a special party

0:18:170:18:20

to celebrate Philippe staying with us.

0:18:200:18:22

Why? He's been here 20 years.

0:18:220:18:24

He's our special guest.

0:18:240:18:26

Guest? He's your French exchange student

0:18:260:18:29

and he was only supposed to stay for two weeks.

0:18:290:18:32

I thought it would be a bit of fun. Actually, it was his idea.

0:18:320:18:35

Yeah, I'm sure it was.

0:18:350:18:37

Last month we had a party for his birthday. Then it was Bastille Day.

0:18:370:18:41

Here we go. The very man. Happy Philippe Day!

0:18:410:18:46

Merci. Merci bien.

0:18:460:18:47

Now, I have prepared a trio of smoked sausages on a bed of sausages.

0:18:470:18:52

Very sausage-heavy dish. But nothing's too good for Philippe Day!

0:18:520:18:56

You have got for me a present?

0:18:560:18:58

No. I didn't know it was your stupid Philippe Day.

0:18:580:19:01

I can't believe you've made this up.

0:19:010:19:03

I am French. I do what I like.

0:19:030:19:05

Yes, well, I'm sick of it.

0:19:050:19:07

I'm going to tell Dad that you can speak English

0:19:070:19:10

and you should go home...

0:19:100:19:12

Hurrah! My trio of party sausages. What's going on here?

0:19:120:19:16

Philippe can speak Eng...

0:19:160:19:18

HORN TOOTS

0:19:180:19:19

I was, um, think perhaps Danny makes for a song me?

0:19:220:19:28

Oh, yes! Sing a song for you. Yes, that is a wonderful idea.

0:19:280:19:32

In French, of course.

0:19:320:19:34

-No!

-Bien sur.

0:19:340:19:37

Peut-etre, Frere Jacques?

0:19:370:19:40

-I don't even know the words.

-Come on, Danny.

0:19:400:19:42

# Frere Jacques...

0:19:470:19:51

# Ferrero...Rocher...

0:19:510:19:55

# Bo-be-loo-ber see-duh...

0:19:550:19:59

# Jeh bleh-bleh. #

0:19:590:20:03

Well done, Danny, that was absolutely...adequate.

0:20:030:20:08

Look, I've got a rather special surprise for Philippe.

0:20:080:20:12

Pour moi? Un cadeau for Philippe Day?

0:20:120:20:15

No, c'est n'est pas vrai...

0:20:150:20:17

Oh! C'est pour le MP trois?

0:20:170:20:20

-Non, la music dance!

-Hang on, isn't that mine?

0:20:200:20:22

Well, I didn't think you would mind if I gave it to Philippe.

0:20:220:20:25

Don't worry, I wiped all your music

0:20:250:20:28

and replaced it with jaunty accordion songs.

0:20:280:20:31

# Philippe Day, Philippe Day, Philippe Day, Philippe Day... #

0:20:310:20:35

I'll get you, Philippe Lavavasuer!

0:20:350:20:38

Er, which floor?

0:20:420:20:43

20.

0:20:430:20:44

Ha, me too!

0:20:440:20:45

LOUD CHEWING

0:20:530:20:55

Excuse me?

0:20:570:20:58

Excuse me?

0:20:580:21:00

Um, would you mind just not chewing quite so loudly,

0:21:000:21:03

it is quite annoying.

0:21:030:21:04

MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES

0:21:080:21:11

HE COUGHS

0:21:310:21:33

SHE BELCHES

0:21:360:21:39

Witch!

0:21:390:21:40

She's a witch!

0:21:400:21:41

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

0:21:410:21:44

Witch! Witch! Witch!

0:21:440:21:46

Witch! Witch!

0:21:460:21:47

Witch! Witch! Witch!

0:21:470:21:49

Witch...Witch...

0:21:490:21:52

Witch! Witch!

0:21:520:21:54

Ha ha ha!

0:21:540:21:55

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

0:21:550:21:58

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

0:21:580:22:00

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch...

0:22:000:22:04

Witch! Witch! Witch...

0:22:040:22:06

Oh, um, sorry, could somebody press ground floor?

0:22:080:22:11

Sorry, sorry, it shouldn't take too long.

0:22:150:22:18

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch...

0:22:210:22:26

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch...

0:22:260:22:29

Awww!

0:22:320:22:34

Mum! Dad!

0:22:360:22:38

I'm going to my music exam.

0:22:380:22:41

We know.

0:22:410:22:42

Oh! What are you doing?

0:22:420:22:44

You didn't think we'd let you go

0:22:440:22:46

without wishing you good luck, did you?

0:22:460:22:48

All right, thanks.

0:22:480:22:49

Because you'll need all of the luck you can get.

0:22:490:22:52

There's going to be a lot of pressure in there, a lot of pressure.

0:22:520:22:56

-I can handle it.

-Can you?

0:22:560:22:58

-Boo!

-Ah!

0:22:580:22:59

Imagine the tension, the pounding heart, the sweaty fingers,

0:22:590:23:04

so sweaty they slip at the wrong moment and then wrong note!

0:23:040:23:07

Game over, exam failed, all that time and effort wasted

0:23:070:23:11

like a Scotch egg at a vegetarian picnic.

0:23:110:23:13

Right, well, it doesn't really matter if I fail.

0:23:130:23:16

It really does.

0:23:160:23:17

So humiliating.

0:23:170:23:19

-Why are you saying this?

-We're trying to help you.

0:23:190:23:22

You'll pick me up after the exam?

0:23:220:23:24

Gosh, no, we're staying here to listen to Jedward

0:23:240:23:27

-live in concert on BBC Radio 15.

-Real music!

0:23:270:23:31

Right, well...well, I suppose I'll just stay and do that, then.

0:23:310:23:37

That's the spirit, son.

0:23:370:23:39

Quit while you're ahead.

0:23:390:23:40

No!

0:23:400:23:42

I'm going to do the music exam, and I'm going to do it really well!

0:23:420:23:46

How pointlessly brave.

0:23:460:23:48

Frankly, if it all goes well,

0:23:480:23:50

I'll wear a skirt and dance like a little girl.

0:23:500:23:52

I'm back!

0:23:590:24:01

Oh, how did it go?

0:24:010:24:03

Brilliantly!

0:24:030:24:05

I didn't just get grade A, I got grade 27.

0:24:050:24:07

The examiners cried tears of musical gratitude

0:24:070:24:11

and some top composers have made me a concerto,

0:24:110:24:14

and they gave me a gold tuba!

0:24:140:24:16

BOTH: Oh.

0:24:160:24:17

Eh?

0:24:200:24:21

Hello!

0:24:370:24:38

Don't get up, you're probably expecting me.

0:24:380:24:41

I'm here to break the record for the most time

0:24:410:24:43

consecutively spent upright upon a unicycle.

0:24:430:24:46

Right, I'm sensing I know how this is going to end,

0:24:460:24:49

but, let's just go through the motions, shall we?

0:24:490:24:53

Emily, longest time on a unicycle, please.

0:24:530:24:56

-Do you like salt and vinegar crisps?

-No.

0:24:580:25:00

PHONE RINGS

0:25:000:25:02

Yes, hello?

0:25:020:25:03

Right, yes. Thank you, Emily.

0:25:030:25:04

The longest time spent on a unicycle

0:25:040:25:08

is two days, 14 hours and 53 minutes.

0:25:080:25:10

Easy!

0:25:100:25:11

I'll have that beat in no time, don't you worry about me.

0:25:110:25:15

Just get me unicycle.

0:25:150:25:16

Here she is.

0:25:220:25:23

I'm on it. Time that.

0:25:250:25:27

Well, that's not a unicycle.

0:25:280:25:30

Not a unicycle?!

0:25:300:25:32

What is it, then?

0:25:320:25:34

It's a piece of wood.

0:25:340:25:35

-It's a piece of wood?

-Yes.

0:25:350:25:37

But I paid £500 for that!

0:25:390:25:40

I've been training on this for weeks!

0:25:400:25:43

Emily, bring in the office unicycle immediately.

0:25:430:25:47

There we go, very swift.

0:25:470:25:49

What's this?!

0:25:500:25:52

What's that? Is that a unicycle? It's only got one wheel!

0:25:520:25:55

Yes, that's because it's a UNIcycle.

0:25:550:25:57

It's all wobbly!

0:25:570:25:58

How do you expect me to stay on that for two days?

0:25:580:26:01

-I don't, I expect you to fall off immediately.

-Oh, right.

0:26:010:26:06

Oh, I'll show you, Mr Immediately.

0:26:060:26:08

Eat this, your hat.

0:26:080:26:11

OK, just give me a moment.

0:26:120:26:14

How do you...

0:26:140:26:15

There's is a way of doing it, clearly, isn't there?

0:26:150:26:18

It's like fighting a snake!

0:26:180:26:20

I will tame you!

0:26:200:26:23

I will not let you win!

0:26:230:26:25

How long was that?

0:26:260:26:28

I'll be generous, no seconds.

0:26:280:26:31

-What's the record?

-Two days, 14 hours and 53 minutes.

0:26:310:26:35

Oh, so close!

0:26:350:26:37

Probably stick with the wood.

0:26:390:26:41

It's easier.

0:26:410:26:42

Excuse me! Hoo!

0:26:480:26:50

Ho!

0:26:510:26:52

What is that smell?!

0:26:520:26:55

Do you mind?

0:27:000:27:01

What is that?

0:27:010:27:02

What?

0:27:020:27:04

-Hair gel?

-No.

0:27:040:27:06

-Dirt?

-No.

0:27:060:27:07

Oh, I've got it!

0:27:070:27:09

It's tennis balls.

0:27:100:27:12

Tell me you cannot smell tennis balls?

0:27:120:27:14

What are you talking about?

0:27:140:27:15

Game, set and match.

0:27:300:27:31

Watch out for them, love, don't trip.

0:27:330:27:36

When's this bus!?

0:27:360:27:38

Tony take it, it's mine.

0:27:410:27:43

I'll get you, Philippe Lavavasuer.

0:27:430:27:47

Witch! She's a witch!

0:27:470:27:49

Maybe my bees can help.

0:27:490:27:51

In your imagination.

0:27:510:27:53

-£1,000.

-£1,000.

0:27:530:27:55

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