Episode 10 Sorry I've Got No Head

BELL RINGS

OMG, Sades.

-Jades.

-So, you know, like, what's hot?

-What? What's hot?

Vampires and werewolves are so hot right now.

Oh, vampires and werewolves are so hot right now.

Books and computer games, hats and vampires and werewolves are so hot.

Imagine you had a boyfriend that was a vampire

-or a werewolf like Robert Pattinson from Twilight.

-Like R Patz?

It's so hot right now to say R Patz.

If you had a vampire or a werewolf boyfriend, your dad would be like,

"You're not wearing that mini skirt to the zoo,

"it's not a fashion parade."

Robert Pattinson would totally, like, eat him.

Like, so totally eat him.

He'd, like, go and sit in a tree and be all brooding and lush and like...

Your mum would be, like, totally vexed.

Even though it is totally in his nature to do that.

She'd still be, like, really miffed.

She said if I get into anymore trouble,

I'm not allowed to, like, get my ears pierced.

Robert Pattinson is so lame. I actually call him R Pants,

because he's actually like a pair of pants. Like, rubbish.

I'm so over R Pants and totes like vampires and werewolves.

They're so not hot.

-So not hot.

-So.

-Not.

-Hot.

-Urgh.

If you want my advice,

never bet a friend you can eat soup whilst jumping on a trampoline!

I don't need croutons!

Right. I'll put the kettle on.

Oh! Did you put that mouse trap down like I asked?

I put one in the dining room last night.

And it was definitely a mouse trap you put down?

Well, of course. What other traps are there?

"Mrs Gigglesworth of 53 St John's Avenue trap".

There really are some specific ones, aren't there?

Take it back to the shop and get the right one, will you?

This is so embarrassing. I'm sorry about this, Mrs Gigglesworth.

-My husband's bought the wrong type of trap - again.

-Sorry.

Oh, don't worry about it, dear. This always happens. I said...

What shall I do with her?

Just put her over the back fence, I reckon.

..was it Tuesday? No, it was Wednesday.

I said to my Bill, "No matter how many times I say..."

MOUSE LAUGHS

I just feel this odd tension all the time.

-Can you describe it?

-Well, it's all over my body, really.

I can't seem to do anything right

and I just feel self-conscious all the time.

Can I stop you there? Thank you, I think we've heard enough.

For me, that was just dull.

I have to disagree with you. I thought it was phenomenal.

The way that he made the symptoms his own, I totally believed him.

Well, I really like him. I think you could go all the way.

-It looks like you've got celebrity judges.

-I think you're wrong.

Is there anything you can do?

Is that a referral to a specialist?

No, you've made it through to boot camp. Good luck.

Emily and Monty Forest are deep into rehearsal for their very own show.

The script is written, they've got their cast, they're set.

Now they need to choose which one of them will also direct the show

that they hope will catapult them into the stratosphere.

As we speak, Emily and Monty

are using every ounce of their theatrical knowledge

to decide who has the best skills for the job.

So, here we go. One, two, three...

-Cats!

-Oliver!

-Cats eat gruel.

Emily, Monty, what are you guys up to?

We're just playing a game of Cats, Oliver, Wicked.

Where Cats beats Oliver

and Wicked beats Cats with magic

and Wicked beats Oliver with magic.

So, Wicked would win every time?

-Yeah, because of the magic.

-Magic beats everything.

Why don't you just choose Wicked every time?

Cats eat gruel.

And we're playing a game of Cats, Oliver, Wicked

to decide who's going to direct today's rehearsal.

-And Monty...

-Mew!

..has won. So today could be kind of exciting. Hmm?

Has he got a lot of experience with directing?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

I've been directing now since...

-Monday.

-Monday. Which went great.

I had it stop, have a bit of a lie down. Windy pops.

Whole-wheat bagel, havoc.

Well, listen, we don't want to get in your way.

Why don't you get on with the show?

Thank you, a bit of space.

Mr Bloomstock, I'm so glad I found you.

I've got a script and I think you're really going to love it.

-How was that?

-Great.

-Yeah?

Great, I'm going to get you to go again, similar,

but a little bit more Spanish!

SPANISH ACCENT: Senor Bloomstock, I'm so glad to have found you.

I've got a script for you, you're really going to love.

Stop there. OK. We'll go again, this time I want you to put a limp in.

Senor Bloomstock, I'm so glad to have found you.

I've got a script for you you're really going to love.

That is very, very good, Emily.

-Yeah?

-Very good. Explore it again, only in a much bigger big hat.

Senor Bloomstock, I'm so glad to have found you. I brought you a script...

Good. Good, good. Yes.

Go again, this time eating cake.

Senor Bloomstock...

She's on the phone, go!

Senor Bloomstock, I'm so glad...

In a strong wind.

Senor Bloomstock...

And on a trampette.

Senor Bloomstock.

I'm so glad I've found you.

I've got a script I know you're going to love.

Do you know, I think you're doing too much. I do.

I think that the character's simpler than that. Just try simple.

I'm really glad I've found you.

I've got a script I know you're going to love.

That's the one.

We've found it. Wonderful.

Wonderful. Good work.

Take five, everybody. Five.

Oh, no! I haven't finished getting all the dust and debris

off this brilliant dinosaur fossil.

This is my last day in the museum before I fly off to Kuala Lumpur

and this was my last brush.

My career in archaeology is ruined.

Maybe my bees can help?

What?

I said, maybe my bees can help?

Sorry, I don't think I understand.

It is a little known fact that bees have a keen interest in archaeology.

Did you know that bees discovered the first triceratops?

Although, being bees, they couldn't tell anyone.

-Right.

-I'll give my bees some simple instructions

and they will fly to your aid, my archaeologist friend.

-Really?

-For sure.

Using their tiny delicate wings,

my bees will gather around your precious fossil

and blow away the dust and debris

without harming your prehistoric artefact one bit.

They'd do that for me?

-How can I thank them?

-They don't need your thanks.

The simple progress of archaeologist is thanks enough.

Maybe a few vouchers.

To business!

Or, as these bees, would say, to bizzness!

I will just give them a few brief instructions.

Bzzz...Lovely archaeologist.

Bzzz...Substandard brush.

Bzzz...Help him win the archaeology prize.

Ooh, almost forgot.

BUZZ!

Now fly, my pollen-obsessed beauties.

No! No!

Just the debris. Not my face!

For the archaeology. No, not me.

Found another brush.

Bad bees!

No, blow the debris away! Don't sting my face!

The Zombie News Network,

bringing you the latest zombie news, 24 hours a day.

Sports news now, and Zombie Golf Open got underway today

with Unknown Male currently the favourite to take the title.

Interesting technique.

Not sure it's going to help his game.

Ben, have you seen the hairbrush?

We can't go till you've brushed your hair.

Oh, Mum. Where did you last see it?

Try down the back of the sofa.

Argh!

Oh, this is a great merry-go-round.

It's a lovely horse.

Are you sure it's a horse?

Of course it's a horse!

Oh!

-Hello.

-Tony take it.

-I need that now.

-OK.

Thanks.

Tony take it! It's mine! It's mine!

I think he means it's his.

-No, it's mine! It's mine! It's mine.

-I thought you said I could have it?

You can have the stick, but I'll keep the candy floss.

Oh, yeah, I love it.

Chocolate flavour!

That's not candy floss.

You can have some candy floss.

No. That's all right, mate.

Oh, no! No, he's taken the stick!

Did you tell him we just want the candy floss?

It's always my fault, isn't it? It is your fault.

Found it!

You need it, too. Look at the state of you.

Now, where did I put those car keys?

Tony take it! Ha ha!

This will do it.

Oh, you, little man.

Isn't he lovely?

Afternoon, how can I help?

We would love to buy one of your washing machines, please.

Yes, I'm absolutely fed up of washing my smalls by hand.

Yes, it takes her three days.

I have to bang the stains out with a chair leg.

So, if you could just pop one of these on our account.

-These aren't for sale, I'm afraid.

-Why ever not?

-What sort of a washing machine shop is this?

-A rubbish one!

-No, sorry.

Ladies, this is a launderette.

-For people who don't have a machine at home.

-Well, how does that work?

Yes, I can't imagine they strip off

and wash their clothes standing there stark naked!

Standing about in the street with no clothes on at all? The very idea!

We'd get arrested every time.

We can't risk it again.

No, I can't do time. Not with this pretty face.

No. You wear something different while you washing your clothes.

Very good idea. I could wear your clothes.

Yes, and I could wear yours, Jasmine.

-Hang on. How will we get them clean?

-You didn't think of that, did you?

You wear different clothes while you washed yours. You do have some?

I could wear my old bridal gown.

Let's not think of that terrible day.

Oh, no. Let's not think of it.

So, then what?

Put your powder and conditioner in here, come to the driers,

put your money...

Oh, oh, oh, shut your face.

-Terminate.

-You put money in?

-Money?

-Taxable, twinkling treasury tokens.

-Big bucks, bonus bonanza, banana bling-bling?

-Nothing's free today.

No. Apart from the ketchup they give you in the burger shop.

-I filled my bath with that.

-No good for bathing. Can't get a lather up.

Even if you get clean, you're all red and stink of tomatoes.

This machine won't come cheap, I'd have thought.

You'll pay a pretty penny for the powder too.

Double for the creamy conditioner.

You shove pound after pound into its greedy slot,

just to get it going.

And extra if you want it to stop.

There wouldn't be much change out of £1,000,

-when all's said and done.

-£1,000?!

-I'd say about £1,000.

Well, it's ridiculous. £1,000 is too much!

Ladies, a standard wash is £2.70.

£1,000, I knew it!

£1,000 is absurd!

Much too much! It is crackers Lady Gaga cuckoo.

Just to watch my smalls being spun about in your wish-wash.

Yes. Come, Jasmine. Let us fly to Milan.

There we shall get an expert tailor to run us up 800 duplicate copies

of the same outfit so we can throw them away every single day.

I hope you spot something in a drier,

watch it go around and when you wake up

you're hypnotised and think you're in Girls Aloud.

Yes! Good day!

And now the moment we've been waiting for all year long,

mother's Christmas cake.

She has been slaving over it since June.

It is an amazing cake and I have the honour of cutting the first slice.

Hurrah!

CLINKING

CLINKING

That's odd.

He's right, it's an amazing cake.

Icing's a bit salty, though.

What?

So, I said to Iona, "If you think you're going out

"pillaging dressed like that,

"you've got another think coming."

Chief! Chief! I have tremendous news again.

Now, hang on, Sven. If this tremendous news is that

you've stepped in dog poo again, tell us from outside the hut.

No, Chief. It's a package from my cousin Bruce, in Australia.

Oh, well, that is marvellous. Yes.

Also, I have stepped in some dog poo.

What did your cousin Bruce send you?

I have no idea. Although I think it might be a corner. Or an L.

Don't keep us waiting, let's see what it is. We could do with an new L.

Ooh!

You'd better let me have that, Sven. You're a very foolish Viking

and you'll probably knock Olaf's horns off with it or something.

Look, Bruce has left a note with the parcel.

Perhaps it is instructions.

"Dear Sven, I hope you are well.

"You are the best Viking in the world."

Does it really say that, Sven?

-I don't know. I can't read.

-Oh,

Sven! You're impossible

with your mysterious wooden L and your dog pooey feet.

I'll take this silly present

from your cousin and I'll throw it away.

Well, anyway...

Argh!

What wicked witchcraft is this? Why, this L has returned.

Throw it away, Chief!

Anyway, so, yes. I said, I said to Iona, "You know what,

"when you've got your own hut, you can wear what you like."

-"But until then, you're very much here..."

-Argh!

Throw it away again! Get rid of it!

By the love of the gods!

Sticky Martin.

He's got the stickiest hands in the world.

APPLAUSE

BOOING

So, this is where you'll be working.

Right, thanks.

And thanks for giving me the job.

No problem. We're very happy to have you here on the team.

It gets pretty busy at lunch times, as you can imagine.

It's best if you familiarise yourself with how things work now.

Will do. So, what am I doing first?

Flipping the burgers?

Uh, no. We thought it might be best

if you started off here, making the milkshakes.

Oh. OK.

But, presumably I'm going to be doing other stuff later.

Cooking the fries, maybe?

Maybe not.

You see, it is probably best if you just stay handling the cold drinks.

Smoothies, ice cubes.

-Why would you think that?

-No... No reason.

Well, why can't I work at the grill?

-Well, it's just...

-Is this a snowman thing?

No, no. Absolutely not. Absolutely not.

You won't give me the good jobs cos I'm not as good as everyone else?

No, no, not at all. Please calm down.

This sounds suspiciously like discrimination to me!

Which, I'm sure I don't need to remind you, is against the law.

It's just that grill tends to get quite hot.

I can flip burgers just as well as anyone else.

Yo! Ice-Ice Freezey.

Can we get two more burgers over here, please? Thank you.

-Certainly. Two burgers coming up.

-Careful, mind!

Milkshakes, you say?

That does sound like a lot of fun, now that I think about it.

Jasper!

Have you seen my dog?

-No, sorry.

-I turned my back for a minute and he's just gone.

He's quite big, he's white with black spots.

Et voila, one tent.

-Great, one bone.

-Oh, cheers.

Oh, is that him?

Oh, yes it is. Jasper! You naughty boy!

What?! I was just helping to put a tent up.

-What?

-I mean, woof.

Definitely, woof!

I'm home! What's going on?

Happy Philippe Day!

-Happy what?

-Philippe Day. I thought we'd have a special party

to celebrate Philippe staying with us.

Why? He's been here 20 years.

He's our special guest.

Guest? He's your French exchange student

and he was only supposed to stay for two weeks.

I thought it would be a bit of fun. Actually, it was his idea.

Yeah, I'm sure it was.

Last month we had a party for his birthday. Then it was Bastille Day.

Here we go. The very man. Happy Philippe Day!

Merci. Merci bien.

Now, I have prepared a trio of smoked sausages on a bed of sausages.

Very sausage-heavy dish. But nothing's too good for Philippe Day!

You have got for me a present?

No. I didn't know it was your stupid Philippe Day.

I can't believe you've made this up.

I am French. I do what I like.

Yes, well, I'm sick of it.

I'm going to tell Dad that you can speak English

and you should go home...

Hurrah! My trio of party sausages. What's going on here?

Philippe can speak Eng...

HORN TOOTS

I was, um, think perhaps Danny makes for a song me?

Oh, yes! Sing a song for you. Yes, that is a wonderful idea.

In French, of course.

-No!

-Bien sur.

Peut-etre, Frere Jacques?

-I don't even know the words.

-Come on, Danny.

# Frere Jacques...

# Ferrero...Rocher...

# Bo-be-loo-ber see-duh...

# Jeh bleh-bleh. #

Well done, Danny, that was absolutely...adequate.

Look, I've got a rather special surprise for Philippe.

Pour moi? Un cadeau for Philippe Day?

No, c'est n'est pas vrai...

Oh! C'est pour le MP trois?

-Non, la music dance!

-Hang on, isn't that mine?

Well, I didn't think you would mind if I gave it to Philippe.

Don't worry, I wiped all your music

and replaced it with jaunty accordion songs.

# Philippe Day, Philippe Day, Philippe Day, Philippe Day... #

I'll get you, Philippe Lavavasuer!

Er, which floor?

20.

Ha, me too!

LOUD CHEWING

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Um, would you mind just not chewing quite so loudly,

it is quite annoying.

MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES

HE COUGHS

SHE BELCHES

Witch!

She's a witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch...Witch...

Witch! Witch!

Ha ha ha!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch...

Witch! Witch! Witch...

Oh, um, sorry, could somebody press ground floor?

Sorry, sorry, it shouldn't take too long.

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch...

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch...

Awww!

Mum! Dad!

I'm going to my music exam.

We know.

Oh! What are you doing?

You didn't think we'd let you go

without wishing you good luck, did you?

All right, thanks.

Because you'll need all of the luck you can get.

There's going to be a lot of pressure in there, a lot of pressure.

-I can handle it.

-Can you?

-Boo!

-Ah!

Imagine the tension, the pounding heart, the sweaty fingers,

so sweaty they slip at the wrong moment and then wrong note!

Game over, exam failed, all that time and effort wasted

like a Scotch egg at a vegetarian picnic.

Right, well, it doesn't really matter if I fail.

It really does.

So humiliating.

-Why are you saying this?

-We're trying to help you.

You'll pick me up after the exam?

Gosh, no, we're staying here to listen to Jedward

-live in concert on BBC Radio 15.

-Real music!

Right, well...well, I suppose I'll just stay and do that, then.

That's the spirit, son.

Quit while you're ahead.

No!

I'm going to do the music exam, and I'm going to do it really well!

How pointlessly brave.

Frankly, if it all goes well,

I'll wear a skirt and dance like a little girl.

I'm back!

Oh, how did it go?

Brilliantly!

I didn't just get grade A, I got grade 27.

The examiners cried tears of musical gratitude

and some top composers have made me a concerto,

and they gave me a gold tuba!

BOTH: Oh.

Eh?

Hello!

Don't get up, you're probably expecting me.

I'm here to break the record for the most time

consecutively spent upright upon a unicycle.

Right, I'm sensing I know how this is going to end,

but, let's just go through the motions, shall we?

Emily, longest time on a unicycle, please.

-Do you like salt and vinegar crisps?

-No.

PHONE RINGS

Yes, hello?

Right, yes. Thank you, Emily.

The longest time spent on a unicycle

is two days, 14 hours and 53 minutes.

Easy!

I'll have that beat in no time, don't you worry about me.

Just get me unicycle.

Here she is.

I'm on it. Time that.

Well, that's not a unicycle.

Not a unicycle?!

What is it, then?

It's a piece of wood.

-It's a piece of wood?

-Yes.

But I paid £500 for that!

I've been training on this for weeks!

Emily, bring in the office unicycle immediately.

There we go, very swift.

What's this?!

What's that? Is that a unicycle? It's only got one wheel!

Yes, that's because it's a UNIcycle.

It's all wobbly!

How do you expect me to stay on that for two days?

-I don't, I expect you to fall off immediately.

-Oh, right.

Oh, I'll show you, Mr Immediately.

Eat this, your hat.

OK, just give me a moment.

How do you...

There's is a way of doing it, clearly, isn't there?

It's like fighting a snake!

I will tame you!

I will not let you win!

How long was that?

I'll be generous, no seconds.

-What's the record?

-Two days, 14 hours and 53 minutes.

Oh, so close!

Probably stick with the wood.

It's easier.

Excuse me! Hoo!

Ho!

What is that smell?!

Do you mind?

What is that?

What?

-Hair gel?

-No.

-Dirt?

-No.

Oh, I've got it!

It's tennis balls.

Tell me you cannot smell tennis balls?

What are you talking about?

Game, set and match.

Watch out for them, love, don't trip.

When's this bus!?

Tony take it, it's mine.

I'll get you, Philippe Lavavasuer.

Witch! She's a witch!

Maybe my bees can help.

In your imagination.

-£1,000.

-£1,000.