Episode 11 Sorry I've Got No Head

Come on!

Come on!

Oh, stupid broadband! And probably wifi has gone down again.

Ooh, that makes me really jolly cross.

Stupid broadband and internet router!

-Maybe my bees can help.

-Your what?

I said, maybe my bees can help.

-Your bees?

-I see where your confusion lies.

You think of bees as simple pollen-gatherers

or irritating stinging machines.

But bees can also carry information on their backs.

-They can?

-Yes, indeedy-o.

I shall issue my bees with a few simple instructions,

and they will fly from here right to the heart of ThinkBot,

the giant robot computer that lives at the centre of the internet.

They will gather your information and fly it back to your laptop,

carrying it on their tiny yet hairy backs.

I don't think the internet is run by a giant robot called ThinkBot.

So I shall give them some simple instructions.

Go on, then.

Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz! Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzzzz, ThinkBot!

Bzz-bzz-bzz, retrieve the information.

Bzz-bzz-bzz, doesn't believe me about ThinkBot, stupid woman.

Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz, bzz-bzz-bzz!

Ooh! Almost forgot. Buzz-buzz!

Fly, my little hive-minded beauties!

No! Agh!

No! Argh! Agh!

No, do the internet thing! Agh! No, not me!

Argh! Aiee!

HE SHOUTS AND SCREAMS

Oh, it's OK. It's back up and running.

Aaaarrrgh!

And so to the last item on the agenda.

Sven, there have been reports, when you're swimming in the fjord,

-you don't get out when you need to do a widdle.

-It's true!

-He doesn't get out the fjord!

-Olaf Sigurdsson, you take that back.

You take that back right now. I always get out of the fjord

to do a widdle. It's Erik who doesn't.

-That's a lie!

-All right! Let's not have an argument, yes?

Now, tonight is Thor's Day night,

and as everybody in Svenskop knows,

-Thor's Day night is movie night!

-THEY CHEER

I love movie night, almost as much as I love quiche night.

-We don't have a quiche night!

-Yes, we do!

Sorry, I forgot. The first rule of quiche night

is you don't talk about quiche night.

The second rule is, always blind-bake the pastry casing

for extra crunch.

As I was saying, Thor's Day night is movie night,

and we have an extra-special treat this week,

because the movie is... The Last Airbender!

THEY SHOUT HAPPILY

Of all the Airbenders, the last is definitely the best.

No, no, wait. I haven't finished.

The Last Airbender...in 3D!

THEY SHOUT IN DELIGHT

Oh!

-None of you know what 3D is, do you?

-Is it a type of quiche?

No, and you're very much forgetting the first rule of quiche night.

A 3D movie is amazing.

It looks as if everything is coming right at you.

-It is fantastic!

-Ooh!

Yes. You are right to go "ooh", Vikings.

But you can only watch a 3D film if you are wearing these -

-3D spec-tackles.

-THEY GRUNT CURIOUSLY

Pop these on, and then everything becomes 3D

and incredibly realistic, and it's like it's in the room with you.

Huh? Pop them on.

Aagh! Vikings!

Vikings everywhere in the room! They're so real!

THEY YELL IN TERROR

Look at this cup! It's frighteningly real!

Take... Take them off. And stamp on them!

Well, that's quite enough of this 3D.

From now on, let's just watch Countryfile,

in 1D.

All we have to do now is invent the television.

THEY SIGH

Now, this maths test will last one hour.

Remember, show all your working in order to get the extra half points.

And it must be filled in with an HB pencil.

Your one hour begins now.

-Eddie?

-What?

-Can I borrow an HB pencil?

-Yeah!

-Great!

-Would you like to borrow my extra-special best pencil

-that I got from the pencil museum in the summer holiday?

-Fine.

OK! I'll get it for you.

HE GRUNTS

There you go!

-Eddie?

-What?

Can I borrow another pencil?

What's wrong with the one that I lent you?

-It's a bit big.

-Exactly! Which means it's better.

-Eddie, it's too big.

-Unbelievable!

I gave you my extra-special best pencil,

that I haven't even used yet, and do you say thank you?

No, you don't. That pencil came from the pencil museum

in the Lake District, yeah?

-You are so ungrateful!

-Daniel Stevens!

Edwin Farley-Biggington! Stop this chat this instant,

-or it'll be a straight fail and a week's detention.

-Sorry, sir!

All... All right, Eddie. I'll use... I'll use your pencil. Thanks.

You're welcome!

I think you made a mistake, you know. Hold on one sec.

-I'm Eddie Bigg!

-Ssh!

Sorry! Sorry!

Whoo-hoo! That was brilliant!

I can't believe I got through to the finals

of the world Reading In The Dark championship.

Yeah. But I got knocked out in the first round

because I'm scared of the dark, and I can't read when I'm scared.

Well, next year, my friend, you will fear the dark no more.

-Really?

-Yeah. I've got something that'll help you get over that fear.

Just follow me.

THUNDER ROARS HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Yes, yes, yes!

Hang on!

-Is this one of your mad experiments?

-No!

-Ooh, how could you think that?

-Well, because the...

And the... And all of the...

-Oh, never mind.

-Behold!

Anti-fear lozenge,

AF...5...

0...6.

-It IS one of your mad experiments!

-Well, only a bit.

-Well, I'm not trying it. I'd rather stay scared of the dark.

-Why?

Your experiments always go wrong, and I'm always the one who suffers.

-That is so not true!

-What about the time I said I could hear better

-through one ear than the other?

-I tried to help balance them out.

Yeah. It didn't work, did it?

HE SCREAMS

My ear muffs didn't fit. My big ear was freezing.

Well, I have much better experiments now.

-I've read a book and everything.

-I'm still not trying it.

If you don't try it,

I'm going to tell everyone how you practised for the school disco

by filming yourself dancing in your pants.

I'd love to try your experiment!

Ooh! Hang on. I can feel something happening.

Let's see if you're still scared of the dark.

Ah. Er...that shouldn't have happened.

Oh! I've got a lamp growing out of my head!

Yeah, but are you still scared of the dark?

Aaaaaaagh!

So, what seems to be the problem?

Well, one day a funny little man came into the village

and said he would give whoever could beat him at a race

around the wishing well a golden apple!

-Wishing well. Right.

-The night before the race,

three little mice said they could give me a potion

which would help me win the race, and surely get that golden apple.

-It sounds to me like you're in a fairy tale.

-Oh, right!

-What can I do?

-Well, if you take this magic mirror,

and when the moon is high, make a wish,

and you'll receive your heart's desire.

-And eat lots of vegetables.

-Will that help with the fairy-tale thing?

-No. It's just good advice generally.

-Oh, right. Well, thank you, doctor.

HE COUGHS

Oh, cheers! I was getting no joy with the old huff and puff.

Oh, my stars! You haven't seen three pigs around here, have you?

-No. Sorry.

-Thanks again, doctor.

-No problem.

-Oh, and you should live happily ever after.

-Oh, wicked!

HE COUGHS AND PANTS

You ever consider making this thing out of straw?

Hello! Me again!

-Hi! How are you?

-Ah. Hello, Simon.

Well, look at this! This looks like a lot of fun.

-It is a lot of fun, Mrs Perkins.

-You've got a new stall idea for us?

Absolutely. It's a brand-new idea I call the Tunnel of Treasure.

-It's sort of like a pirate game.

-That does sound like fun.

It sounds fun because it is fun.

So tell us more. Come on.

You pay your 10p. You put on...

this eye-patch.

And...this eye-patch on.

And then you take an exciting trip through the Tunnel of Treasure.

All around, I've stuck fun prizes.

You just reach around and collect your booty.

I must say, I think that sounds cracking.

Yes. But look out for mousetraps!

SNAPPING

-Mousetraps?

-Real mousetraps?

It wouldn't be a lot of fun without that extra zingy element.

So...how many mousetraps are in there?

Oh, hardly any. Hardly any at all. About 2,000.

-2,000 mousetraps?

-It's a lot bigger in there than you think.

You need all those mousetraps to keep it fun.

-Hmm...

-Come on. You are guaranteed a prize,

and you come out feeling like a treasure hunter!

Go on, headmaster. Give it a spin!

Oh, I've got a pretty bad back at the moment, so no.

-Governor?

-What did you say the prizes were?

-Perkins!

-Sorry. Er, no, thanks, Simon.

Well, you'll be sad when I come out with all the treasure!

That's a risk I'm willing to take.

Right, then. It's off a-treasure-hunting I go!

MUSIC: "CAPTAIN PUGWASH" THEME

Right! Let's have a good feel round for some treasure!

Ooh-arr!

-SNAPPING

-Aah! Agh!

-SNAPPING CONTINUES

-Aah! Argh, agh!

HE MOANS

-Are you all right, Simon?

-All right?

-I'm brilliant! I won the treasure!

-Well, that's something. What is it?

-Ooh! It's a mousetrap!

-SNAPPING

Aaaaaaaaagh!

Aaaaaaaaagh!

So - what do you reckon? Will you let me know?

We'll let you know.

If you want my advice, never try and dye your hair by yourself.

Especially if you're bald.

It's rude to stare!

Yes?

Afternoon, ladies. I'm from the electricity board.

-I need to check your meter.

-Who is it?

-It's an electric man.

-Is it TRON?

-Are you TRON?

-No.

-He says he's not TRON.

-If he's made of electricity, don't touch him.

The shock will rip through you. Your hair will go all Jedward.

It's all right. I'm very well grounded.

-I've got on rubber stockings.

-I'm not electric.

-I'm from the electricity board, to read your meter.

-Read a meter?

-Rita Skeeter?

-Reet petite, the finest girl you ever want to meet?

-Eat my feet off?

-No. I'd like to read your meter.

-You can't read a metre!

-What are you on about?

-A metre is a length!

-It's a million centimetres. Everyone knows that.

-You can't read a length!

-No, your electricity meter,

-to see how much you've used.

-I don't see that it's any of your business.

-Nosey, nosey, nosey!

-I have to, to work out how much you need to pay.

-Pay?

-Pay?

-Pay?

-Pay?

-Money?

-Ridiculous!

I knew it! Another nasty little man banging on the knocker

-trying to demand money with menaces!

-Nothing's free these days.

-Apart from those free texts on your molecular phone.

-Oh, yes!

I used those up taking pictures of myself popping and locking

-in the precinct, to send to my dance crew!

-I'll do one now!

-SHUTTER CLICKS

-Sweet!

Just uploading. Ssh!

-No!

-No...

-No!

-15 percent.

-I'll put it in drafts.

-Ladies, I don't want any money.

-The electricity board send you a bill.

-A Bill? Who's Bill?

You're charged depending upon how many units -

Oh, it'll be double at night time, I'm sure.

-It's cheaper -

-More expensive on a Tuesday!

And they'll charge you for posting and packing.

-And the insurance!

-I shouldn't think we'll get change out of £1,000.

-£1,000!

-I should say about £1,000.

It's too much, £1,000. I suppose it's what these things cost these days.

Your average quarterly bill is about £50.

-£1,000?!

-It's absurd! I won't pay £1,000!

It's absurd! Ridiculous! £1,000!

Just for some smelly old electrickery!

£1,000 to see an elephant do a trick? Are you insane?

Ladies, let me in. If I can just look at the meter,

-I can tell you how much you've used.

-I shall not! You shall not pass!

I tell you what - we shall go to Switzerland,

buy our own hydroelectric power station,

make loads of electricity and use it to power things that do nothing!

I hope you call at somebody's house, ring the bell and they don't answer,

and you stand there for an hour before you realise

they haven't come to the door because it's YOUR house!

Hah! Go away! You're very pretty.

The nerve! Who needs electricity anyway?

It's useless! No use whatsoever.

-Hah! I've gone blonde.

-Don't you mean blind?

-I can't tell. The lights have gone.

-Oh!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for my most impressive trick of all.

I shall attempt to read a stranger's thoughts.

For this, I require a volunteer from the audience.

Ah! How about you?

-Oh, no. I don't think that's a good idea.

-Ladies and gentlemen,

give this lady a round of applause as she comes up onto the stage!

-Come on!

-Oh, crumbs! No choice at all!

APPLAUSE

Now, what's your name, love?

Um, Louise.

Ladies and gentlemen, I shall now attempt to read Louise's mind,

and I shall relay her thoughts to you as I see them.

-Are you ready, Louise?

-What do I have to do?

Nothing. Just sit back and let your mind wander,

and try not to think of anything too embarrassing.

-Eh, ladies and gentlemen?

-LAUGHTER

Right. Just close your eyes, and I'll see what I can see.

OK. Um, right.

Relax, shut my eyes, don't think of anything embarrassing.

Yes! Yes, I can see you.

You're thinking of you, and you're in a pretty dress.

-Oh!

-And you're out on a date with Robert Pattinson -

-you know, off of Twilight.

-AUDIENCE MURMURS "OOH"

And now Robert Pattinson - from off of Twilight -

is giving you a kiss on the cheek. Isn't that nice?

-Oh, crikey! Yes!

-Ooh, and he's saying,

"Ooh, Louise, you're really lovely."

-Oh!

-LAUGHTER

And you're at a Michael Buble concert.

Oh! And now Robert Pattinson, from off of Twilight,

is saying, "Ooh, Louise,

your dress is tucked into your knickers,

and everyone can see your bum."

And Michael Buble is pointing at your bum,

and everyone is pointing at your bum,

and the audience is laughing at you.

Michael Buble is pointing at you and laughing at you.

Oh, no! How embarrassing!

And now, for some reason - I'm not sure why -

-I can see a massive balloon.

-Ooh!

THEY GASP Oh, no! How embarrassing!

Oh, right. Yeah, I see it now. Yeah. Yeah, that is embarrassing.

Sticky Martin! He's got the stickiest hands in the world.

BELL RINGS

Happy lunchtime. What can I get you?

Um, what are the choices?

Well, it's gourmet day, so I've got duck a l'orange,

beef a l'orange, turkey a l'orange or orange a l'orange.

I'll have, er...

-I'll have...

-For heaven's sake be careful, Frank.

Ssh!

Hurry up. I've got other gourmets waiting.

Duck a l'orange, please.

-Bon appetit.

-Thank you. Thank you.

Well, you look like quite the gourmet, don't you?

-What's it going to be?

-Duck a l'orange, please.

Oh, you want the same as him? Not feeling adventurous

for any of the other a l'oranges?

No. Um, duck a l'orange, please.

Right you are.

-Hi.

-HE WHIMPERS

Feeling adventurous, are you?

Yes. I'll have the, um...

..beef a l'orange.

Duck?

No, the beef a l'orange.

-No. I said "duck".

-BEEPING

Eh? Agh!

-Twice.

-Agh!

What can I get you?

OK, sir. In a moment, five men will walk into that room.

Take a good look at each of them. See if you can identify

the man that you think stole your shopping from you

-yesterday evening.

-Right.

Here we go. Sergeant, send them in, please.

Just take your time, sir.

I'm not sure.

-It was dark.

-Just take a good look at each of them.

See if any of their faces ring a bell.

-Well, it definitely wasn't number one.

-It was number one.

-Right. Number one, sergeant. Take him down immediately.

-No!

-No.

-Do you want me to drop the charges?

-No. It wasn't him!

-The one you're pointing at? Number one?

-Yes!

-You're sure?

-Absolutely.

-Positive ID on number one.

-Arrest him immediately.

-What?

-You just identified the criminal.

-No, I didn't.

-If you say so, sir. Why don't you take another look?

Um, I think maybe number five.

-Yes. In fact I'm sure.

-Sure we should let him go?

-No. He's the one who robbed me.

-Which one's that?

-Number five! The one on the end!

-Arrest the man with the balloon.

-No, I didn't mean him!

-You just said it was the one on the end, sir.

-Yes. The other end!

-The other end? The first one, number one?

-Sergeant, arrest number one.

-Stop!

-Do you not want me to arrest the man

-who did this to you?

-Of course I do!

-Arrest number one.

-He's not the one!

-He is the one. That's his number, one. That's him.

I don't want you to arrest him. I want you to arrest five.

I can't arrest all five, sir. Not when it was one man who robbed you.

-I don't want you to arrest all five!

-I can arrest you

for giving false evidence - hindering an investigation,

-protecting a suspect.

-I'm not protecting a suspect!

-I'm telling you who it is!

-You said it wasn't number one, sir!

Now you're saying it is. Arrest number one.

-That's not who I said it was!

-No!

All right, sir. Make your mind up. Who did you say it was?

-Number five.

-Number one?

-No, number five!

-Oh, number one!

-Five!

-Got it. One.

-Arrest the man with the balloon.

-That's it. I'm dropping the charges!

I'm going to have to book you for wasting police time,

you and your balloon accomplice! Sergeant, take him down to the cells.

Come on.

Hello! Who likes a pudding, I ask?

Well, we all do, don't we, viewers?

Which is why you'll be pleased to hear

today I'm going to be making a delicious three-fruit compote.

And the best news of all is that I'm not going to be making it alone.

So please, I'd like to introduce you to my sister Lesley...

..and my brother Leslie.

-Say hello, Lesley.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Say hello, Leslie.

-Hello.

-Hello.

We're going to be making this delicious compote

in the old traditional way that we used to do as children.

-Are we on television?

-Don't embarrass me, Leslie.

-Sorry.

-Not you, Lesley.

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

As I say, we're going to be making this the old-fashioned way.

So I shall begin by adding a spoonful of blueberry.

SHE BREAKS WIND

I shall put a spoonful of gooseberry.

SHE BREAKS WIND SQUEAKILY And I go for a spoonful of bilberry.

-HE BREAKS WIND LOUDLY

-And then we repeat the process.

-So let's commence. Blueberry.

-SHE BREAKS WIND IN A MID-TONE

-Gooseberry.

-SQUEAKILY

Bilberry. LOUDLY

-Blueberry.

-Gooseberry.

-Bilberry. THEY BREAK WIND IN TURN

-Blueberry.

-Gooseberry.

-Bilberry. THEY BREAK WIND IN TURN...

..AND IN TIME WITH "CAN-CAN" MUSIC

And now altogether...

-Bilberry.

-Blueberry.

-Gooseberry.

-THEY BREAK WIND IN TURN...

-..IN TIME WITH MUSICAL CODA

-And there we have it -

a delicious three-fruit compote.

-HE BREAKS WIND LOUDLY

-Leslie, you are disgusting.

-Sorry.

-Sorry. SHE SIGHS

-HE LAUGHS

-Roll up!

Come on, ladies and gents.

Good morning, everyone. Welcome to this workshop,

where you'll all be experiencing a wide range of circus skills,

and hopefully our instructors will be able to teach you a trick or two.

Is there any circus skill you've always wanted to have a go at?

Anyone? Yes?

Er... I'd quite like a go at the fire-eating, please.

Right! Um...

Trampolining? Anyone fancy trampolining?

-No. I'd prefer the fire-eating, to be honest.

-Yeah.

Unicycling! Everyone loves a unicycle. Who wants a go?

Oi! I've already said! Fire-eating!

Right. We don't do fire-eating here. None of our instructors teach it.

Well, what's he doing, then?

Er... Oh, yeah. Er, forgot about him.

Er, I'm not sure fire-eating is really for you, though.

-Why don't you try juggling, something like that?

-Hang on.

Are you saying I'm not allowed to try fire-eating?

-Er... Sort of, yeah.

-I don't believe this.

This is discrimination! You don't want me to go down to the council

and report you, do you, you ice-ist?

All right!

This is Graham. He's an expert.

He's been doing this extremely hot and incredibly dangerous trick

for over 30 years, so watch him while he demonstrates it.

He'll show you what to do.

Fine. Seems easy enough.

-Not too fast!

-SIZZLING

Ah. Yeah. Um...

Do you know what? Now that I've had a go,

I think it's probably not my thing.

Could I have a go at the juggling instead?

Whoops! Sorry.

Jasper!

Jasper!

-Jasper!

-Have you lost your husband?

No, my dog. I turned my back for an instant, and he's disappeared.

-You haven't seen him, have you?

-I ain't seen no dog.

Jasper! Oh...

Maybe he's in here. Jasper!

Jasper! Jasper!

FLUSHING

-There you are, you naughty boy!

-Oh, I was desperate!

-What did you say?

-Er... "Woof"?

Definitely "woof".

-I'm Eddie Bigg!

-The tiny type is more.

I'll get you, Philippe le Vavasour!

Witch! She's a witch!

Maybe my bees can help.

-£1,000!

-£1,000!

In your imagination!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

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