Episode 12 Sorry I've Got No Head

Right, I'll put the kettle on.

Ooh! Here, did you put that mouse trap down like I asked?

Yeah. I put one in the dining room last night.

-And it was definitely...

-Look, I know what you're going to ask.

Yes, it was definitely a mouse trap. Not a wizard trap or a Viking trap.

It was a M-O-U-S-E, mouse trap.

Look, I can prove it. Look.

I got an extra large one just to be sure.

Right, you can deal with this. I'm off to work.

Yeah, well...

HE GROANS

SINISTER MUSIC

Tell you what.

Why don't you just have the house?

I'll put myself out.

Squeak!

Ah. Hello, Simon.

Hello, Headmaster. Governor.

Simon, I should just let you know we are running out of time,

-so I do hope you have a good stall to show us.

-Yes. Yes, indeed.

-Very good.

-Tremendous bit of fun here!

And something for the player with the sweet tooth.

-Ooh. Are those gobstoppers?

-Yes, they are, Governor. Mostly.

Guaranteed to give you over seven hours of lip-smacking pleasure.

Simon, it's the word "most" that's giving me some concern here.

Yes, because you need to have some kind of element of chance.

So what the customer will do is they will pay their ten pence

and they will pick a delicious gobstopper from the tray,

but 17 percent of these are in fact furiously fiery fireballs!

Ooh! Sort of spicy, like a chilli? Something to make the tongue tingle?

No, not at all! No, they are incredibly compacted fire.

I call the game Great Balls Of Fire!

So, who wants to choose

a delicious fruity gobstopper? I won't even charge you ten pence.

-Oh. Oh, I do like a gobstopper.

-Perkins, no.

Come on! Have a bit of fun for once!

No? OK, I'll show you.

Hm, that looks blue. Yes. Blue for cold.

Is it... Is it a normal gobstopper?

Oooh!

No, I think it was a hot one.

-So, will you let me know?

-We'll let you know.

Come on, come on, out the way! Right!

Hello! We'd like 12 chicken legs and a sack of stewing steak, please!

And some black pudding for pudding!

-Sorry, ladies, wrong shop.

-I told you this wasn't the butcher, dear.

The butcher is a huge, tall, very attractive man with a hat,

-surrounded by meat!

-We must have taken a wrong turn.

-What do you sell?

-This is a pound shop.

-You sell pounds?

-Don't be ridiculous, dear!

You can't sell things by the pound! It's banned by the Euro-puro-peans.

-It's all kilos and halos.

-16 centimetres to the furlong.

-Four miles to the ton!

-Eight Garrys in a Bushell, apparently!

-No, no, it's a pound shop.

-We used to buy everything by the pound.

-Yes, a pound of sugar.

-A pound of butter.

-A pound of flour.

-A pound of nails.

-Mix it all up, horrible pizza.

-Pointy!

-Ow!

No, no, we're a pound shop. Everything costs a pound.

-Everything?

-Everything.

-A pound?

-A pound.

-This box full of soldier!

-Yeah, a pound.

-This shampoo-flavoured hair fluid?

-A pound.

-He's trying to fox us.

-Aren't you, Fantastic Mr Fox?

-Hmm, foxy!

Look at this. These biscuits are never a pound.

-Not with all that packaging.

-The picture.

-And the actual biscuits.

-The extra words.

-The biscuity quality.

-You won't get much change out of a thousand...

-They're a pound.

-But... But...

-I feel dizzy! I've got a head full of dubstep!

Oh! Let's get this straight.

-Erm...how much is that? Is that a pound?

-Yes.

-This is a pound?

-Yes.

-Those are a pound?

-Yes.

-These here...

-A pound.

-Each one of those is a pound?

-Yes.

-That's a pound? That thing?

-Yes.

-This?

-Yes.

-These? That?

-Yes.

-That one?

-Anything you want! A pound.

-They're a pound.

-What if I bought a thousand of these?

-In that case, it'd be a thousand pounds.

-Ha-ha!

-We knew it!

-A thousand pounds?

-A thousand pounds!

-It's too much, a thousand pounds!

-Disgusting, a thousand pounds!

-Just for a thousand things that cost a pound each.

-I won't pay it!

-It's bazzy-la-la! A thousand pounds!

-Only if you bought a thousand.

-A thousand pounds?

-A thousand pounds!

-It's not worth it!

-You're an idiotic man and your shop is an idiot!

-Come on!

Let us go to the butchers and buy some dodo steaks

-with a light diamond garnish.

-I hope someone comes in with a pound coin

-and, oddly, you find you haven't got the right change!

-Ha-ha!

Don't block my tweets!

BELL RINGS

-OMG, Sades?

-Yeah, Jades?

-You know what's hot right now?

-What's hot right now?

-Prince Harry is so hot right now!

Oh, Prince Harry is so hot right now! Cos he's, like, a royal.

Like, he's practically a king and he can totally

get people's heads chopped off if he wanted to.

If he wanted to see Harry Potter before anyone else,

he totally could. He's actually still totally lush and droolsome.

He's totes droolsome. He's got orange hair.

He's got hair that is ginger! Like a Wotsit or Nicola from Girls Aloud.

-Or, like, like, orange!

-And he's soooo posh!

He eats swans! And if you took him to KFC,

he'd totally eat his Zinger burger with a knife and fork.

Yeah. He's so posh, he probably doesn't have one pair of trainers

-even though he can have anything he wants.

-If you were his girlfriend

and you burped, he'd like totally have you arrested

by those soldiers in big, tall, furry hats.

Yeah, and you'd be like, "Harry, let's totes go to Superdrug

"and test out the nail varnishes" and he'd be like, "Oh, no,

"I've got to go to a garden party."

"And I can't get on that bus unless it's a solid-gold bus made of gold."

And he's not all that because he probably hangs out with his gran

-and he's never even heard of N-Dubz!

-He's so not hot right now.

-He's so not hot.

-So!

-Not!

-Hot!

-Bleurgh!

CAR ALARM BEEPS

-Something smells very nice in there.

-Oh, yeah, it's a custard pie

I baked for Judy's 50th. It's almost perfect.

-Just going to pop it round.

-Right.

-What are you up to?

Going into town to pick up some dry-cleaning.

It's just round the corner from Judy's. I'll give you a lift.

-Oh, would you mind?

-No! Of course!

Oh! I forgot her card.

SINSITER MUSIC

CYMBALS CRASH

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

SINSTER MUSIC

I'm... I'm sorry, mate. I'm so...so sorry.

HORN BLARES Sat on my horn.

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

"If you require refreshments, the trolley will now pass through."

-Drinks from the trolley.

-Anything from the trolley?

-SHE GASPS

-Malcolm, they've put these seats

-closer together again. I can barely get through.

-Typical.

-Snacks or drinks?

-Anything from the trolley?

-Malcolm.

-Colin. Hello.

-Hello.

-Do you mind if I have a quick word?

Of course not. Erm, what about?

Well, I've been looking at your sale figures

and I'm coming across a few troubles.

It says here you had 64 jam doughnuts on the trolley yesterday morning

-but by lunchtime, they'd all gone.

-That's right.

-They are very popular.

-Very popular.

-OK, it does say from your receipts that you only sold one.

-Er...

-I'm wondering what happened to the other 63.

-They were stolen.

-Stolen?

-Mm.

-By who?

-Seagulls.

-Seagulls?

What were seagulls doing on the plane?

They were migrating.

OK, well, maybe we'll come back to that.

What about the 14 packets of chocolate biscuits that vanished?

They were eaten by ants.

-14 packets?

-Not ants. Did I say ants? No, I meant...Germans.

-German ants.

-Worst kind of ants.

-Very efficient ant.

OK, we'll come back to that. What about the yoghurts, crisps, peanuts,

Battenberg slices, sandwiches, mint imperials, croissants?

Blueberry muffins, shortbread, mini fruit cakes, scones, jam roly-poly,

ice creams, ginger snaps, pretzels, Turkish delights, waffles,

cheese straws, custard tarts? What about those?

-Erm...

-Well, to answer your concern pacifically...

What happens is, sometimes this trolley doesn't half get a wobble on

-and it just... They spill. Fall.

-Away.

-Underneath.

-Lads.

-And also the clients...

-Excuse me.

-..will...

-Ooh, they are light-fingered.

-Excuse me.

-Yes.

You haven't been eating the contents of the trolley, have you?

-Absolutely not!

-Of course not!

How could you suggest such a thing?

I have to say, Graham, I am slightly upset at the insinuation.

-No, because I've had this before.

-Don't.

-OK. That's fine.

-Lads, lads.

-Please.

-Lads. I had to ask.

OK? I'm sure you understand. Forgive me.

You two have a good evening, OK? And keep your eyes peeled for seagulls.

Bye. SQUELCHING

Ohh!

I was saving that doughnut for later. Give us a spoon.

Yeah?

Thanks very much.

-Good morning, sir. How can I help?

-Good morning.

Erm, I got a cheque for my birthday from my great aunt

and I'd like to pay it in, only I dropped it in a puddle.

I suppose you're going to say I've got to get her to make it out again.

Not at all, sir. I'll pay it in for you now.

Oh. Oh, that's very good of you.

Oh, and also...

..I'd like to pay in all this change, please.

Suppose you're going to tell me I've got to count it all out first.

-Not at all. Leave it with me and I'll count it for you.

-Oh.

Well, that's really very good of you.

-Oh, and there's one more thing.

-Come on!

Erm, I'd like to open a savings account.

I tried to fill in a form but none of your little pens are working.

I suppose I'm going to have to go away, fill it out

and then join the back of the queue again, aren't I?

Not at all. I'll fill it out for you now.

Oh, and here's a free pen for any inconvenience.

Oh. That's amazing.

-I really don't know what to say.

-Hurry up! We've not got all day!

DRUM ROLL

Witch! She's a witch!

ALL: Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

-HE LAUGHS

-Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

ALL: Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

SHE SCREAMS

ALL: Witch! Witch! Witch!

-Some people.

-Tell me about it.

-Have a nice day.

-Thank you very much.

SHE CACKLES

'Emily and Minty Forest,

'two of the country's least successful theatre performers,

'are mounting their very own production. This is the opening night

'of their self-written and directed show, which is about to start.'

SHOWTUNE FANFARE

BOTH # We'll always be together

# In the end

THEY SING OFF-KEY

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh!

I can't believe they liked it! We didn't do anything right.

The set fell down, your voice was rubbish, I forgot my lines

and the gusset of my leotard perished entirely

during the water ballet sequence.

But it's our Mumsy and Dad! They love everything we do.

That's what they're there for. Whoo!

Oh, bravo, Emsy! Bravo, Monty!

Ohhh!

APPLAUSE STOPS Ohh!

Do you think they've got it, Peter?

Well, we had it, Gillian. There's every chance we've given it to them.

'This is the Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.

'Valerie Carpenter is the head and only teacher

'at North Barrasay College for Gifted Children.'

So, Ross, I understand you've had a bit of a brainwave.

Erm, yes. I've got a plan that's going to transform this place.

-What's the one thing missing from the school?

-Central heating?

-Apart from that.

-Ooh, I don't know.

A tuck shop!

It's so obvious, I don't know why no-one's thought of it before.

I'm going to make loads of... I'm going to make loads of money

and improve the school. It's a win-win situation.

-Er, is it?

-Yes.

And Miss Carpenter says I can use it against one of my economics modules

so it's a win-win-win situation!

-Do you really think this is a good idea, Valerie?

-Oh, absolutely.

I think this sort of enterprising spirit should be encouraged.

It gives Ross a first-hand experience

of the sort of rough and tumble of business.

I've already bought loads of stock. I spent all my Christmas money.

Right. You don't think you should be a bit more cautious?

I mean, maybe there's a reason nobody's set up a tuck shop here.

Yes, lack of vision!

Look at this.

Smoky bacon and cheese and onion!

Two flavours! Huh? That's diversification.

Ooh! Excellent use of a technical term there, Ross. Credits to you.

-Don't eat the stock.

-It's research and development.

I don't want to waste them.

'Later that day and everything is ready for the grand launch.'

Thank you for coming to this exciting launch.

I now declare Ross's tuck shop open for business!

THEY CLAP

So, how'd like to buy something?

-Do you have any chocolate for diabetics?

-No, I'm afraid not.

-We've got crisps.

-I'm supposed to be watching my sodium levels.

-I best leave it.

-How about you, Gillian?

Oh, no thanks, Ross, I daren't touch this stuff.

I've got to be a bridesmaid in a few weeks.

Morag will kill me if I ruin her big day with a bulge.

Right. Anyone on the crew, maybe?

-Richard, the sound guy!

-Yeah, I'll have a bar of chocolate.

-OK!

Er, no, Richard, you can't. Sorry, Ross, we can't interact, remember?

-Oh, right. Erm...

-Do you think it was maybe a mistake

to lay on complimentary snacks at the launch, Ross?

No, you've got to get the punters in. Look. Archie.

You're enjoying those free samples. Perhaps you'd like to pay for some.

I couldn't, Ross. I'm absolutely stuffed on these.

Well, I would like to buy something, Ross.

Oh, great! My first sale!

How much with my staff discount?

Staff discount? What's that? Ten percent?

-20 percent.

-No, ten percent.

-20 percent.

-You said ten percent.

-20 percent.

-You definitely said ten percent.

-20 percent, Ross! The customer is always right!

-Right, 20.

Do you see how I'm including calculations into the experience?

It makes for very rich learning.

But Miss, you're paying me less than it actually cost me to buy it.

-Yep.

-I'm losing £2.50 on that!

Yes, excellent use of calculation, Ross.

Now, how much for this and a second one?

That's... So two of them? Two times...

How much would you lose on three of those, Ross?

-What, three? You want to get...

-Oh, how much would you lose on four?

No, 20 percent times...

-What would be the deficit on six bars of chocolate?

-Six?

Is that Tim?

'Sticking Martin. He's got the stickiest hands in the world!'

Yes, good, good.

After a few lessons, you might be good enough to juggle three balls.

Just like these guys. But for now, let's keep it a bit easier.

-So, just two. Martin, do you want to have a go?

-Yeah.

Hello? Hello?

Anyone... Anybody here?

I got this flyer printed in Braille

and glued onto my kitchen table.

I wondered... Is there... Is there nobody here?

Oh, well, that's a disappointment.

Throw away your disappointment! For we are indeed here.

-Right here!

-Just here.

How quaint everything looks in the 21st century!

Where I come from, all of this would be electric!

You must excuse Mr Faraway. He is a traveller from the future!

-Oh, is he? Sounds a bit implausible.

-This is Mr Faraway

and I am Mr Elevenses. And we bid you welcome...

BOTH: To the museum of the imagination-tion-tion-tion-tion!

Oh. You're very enthusiastic.

In the future, it is illegal to be not enthusiastic.

Punishable by six days of constant smileyness.

-Care to take a turn around our exhibits?

-I'd love to.

Do you have an audio guide or something? I can't see.

Oh, I can do better than that. Mr Faraway and I

will serve as your guides, being on hand to answer any questions.

-Oh, how very kind.

-Walk this way.

Under this cloth lies the telescope used by Lord Nelson

at the Battle of Trafalgar.

How on earth did you find such a thing? That is incredible.

-And here it is in your...

-BOTH: Imagination-tion-tion-tion!

-Can you describe it for me, then?

-Huh?

Well, it's constructed of brass and leather.

It is in five pieces and it extends to half a metre.

Oh. Oh, thanks very much. What else have you go?

This way, please! Do take my arm.

Beneath this cloth lies the body of the only phoenix every captured,

preserved for over 200 years.

BOTH: In your imagination-tion-tion-tion-tion...

Well, can you describe it, then?

Yes. It's about the size of an eagle but its eyes are mild and kind.

Its beak is the colour of a rose!

Its neck, the colours of the rainbow yet more lively and brilliant!

Oh, that's wonderful! I can see that so clearly.

-Oh, do you have the time?

-Why, certainly! It is half past two

-in the year 2350.

-And today.

Oh, I best run. I'm late for an appointment.

But thank you so much for a truly amazing visit.

Erm, well, I'm... I really think, before you go, we must say that...

-There wasn't really anything on those plinths.

-No, we made it up.

Oh, I know that. I'm blind, I'm not stupid.

But I could see them... in my imagination-tion-tion!

-What a nice man!

-Yes!

Next time, I shall have to show him the time machine!

-Well, goodbye, Mr Faraway. See you last Tuesday.

-Cheerio!

Phew! Finally. Oh!

-I can be myself.

-HE GROANS

UPBEAT MUSIC

HE LAUGHS

Oh, what? A power cut?

I was right in the middle of my favourite programme,

and trying to do a crossword at the same time.

Now there's no light and no power,

I'll have to sit here and sulk at what a terrible evening this is.

Maybe my bees can help.

HE SCREAMS

-What?

-I said, maybe my bees can help.

-Bees?

-Yes, bees. Nature's handy-men. Did you know, sir,

that a bee flaps its wings almost 11,000 times a second?

Well, they do. And with that sort of kinetic energy

you can create a lot of power.

They can also re-enact your teddy bear programme you missed

-due to the power cut?

-No, I was watching...a documentary.

Of course you were. I shall just give them some simple instructions.

Buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz, silly man,

buzz-buzz-buzz, restore his lights and power,

buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz, teddy bears do the funniest things.

HE LAUGHS

Ooh, almost forgot, buzz-buzz!

Now, fly, my wing-beating, power-creating friends!

Agh! No! Agh! Agh!

No, no! Not me! Agh! No! There's a power cut! Agh!

Use your wings... Aghhh! Ow! Don't sting me! Aghh!

Ah! It's all right, it's come back now.

-Ow! Agh, this is infuriating!

-TV BLARES

Hey, could you keep it down? I'm trying to watch my programme.

Agh! Ow! Ooh!

What is that smell?

-What is that?

-HE SNIFFS

-Exhaust fumes?

-No.

-INHALES

-That take-away?

-Ooh.

-HE SNIFFS

-No.

-Autumn?

-No, it's not that. It's sausages.

-I can't smell sausages.

-You can't smell sausages?

Young man, that scent is particularly sausage-like!

-Urgh!

-Ketchup or mustard?

-Mustard?

Don't say I don't do anything for you. Oh, where's that bus?

Hello! I've come to break the world record for the longest drum solo!

I'm sorry, I really am rather busy, so I'd appreciate it if...

That's fine. I'll just get the rest of my kit.

There's not much.

There it is. A few more bits.

Pop that there. That'll do. One more.

-Got to get the cymbals!

-CYMBALS CRASH

Whoo!

Right! What's the record?

Tabatha, world's longest drum solo, please.

The world's longest drum solo

is eight hours, 27 minutes and 12 seconds.

Easy! I'll do it better than that.

Just got to set me kit up now. It'll be a while.

CYMBALS CRASH

Oh, that's come off. Hold on.

What's that? Weird, innit?

Don't need that yet. This...

Here we... That's one of its...bits.

Just comes under... Why has that come out?

-CYMBALS CRASH

-Pop that over there.

I'll tell you what, I'm going...

I'm putting this bit in here whether it goes in here or not!

Wish me luck! Oh, I got it, I think I got it.

-Hold on. Oh!

-DRUM BANGS

Hold on... I did it.

Yes! I made a beat with my head! It counts as a drum solo.

-How long was it?

-One second.

-And what's the record?

Eight hours, 27 minutes and 12 seconds.

Oooh, so close!

Will you play me out?

Jasper?

Jasper?

Jasper? Jasper?

Have you seen my dog? I turned my back and he's disappeared?

-No, sorry.

-He's quite big. He's white with spots, have you seen him?

Is that him over there?

Jasper?

Jasper!

SHE BLOWS DOG WHISTLE

No, it's not him. Jasper?

-I'm Eddie Big!

-Tony take it. It's mine.

I'll get you, Philippe!

Witch! She's a witch!

Maybe my bees can help.

-A thousand pounds?

-A thousand pounds!

BOTH: In your imagination.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail [email protected]

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