Episode 13 Sorry I've Got No Head

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Hiya!

All right?

Oh, what?

This is a breakfast-based catastrophe!

I've got two lovely hot pieces of toast.

I go to the cupboard and discover there's no honey! I love honey. Oh!

-Maybe my bees can help.

-Oh, good idea. Thank you!

-I said, "Maybe my bees can help."

-Yes, I said "Good idea." Thanks.

It's a little-known fact that bees are excellent shoppers.

Given the exact change and a tiny map,

the bees will fly to the supermarket,

find the correct aisle and locate the exact honey for your toast.

Then fly it back here on their tiny yet numerous backs

thus saving your breakfast!

Don't bees make honey?

I'll give them some quick but simple instructions

and they will soon come to your aid, my toast-chomping friend.

Really? Haven't they maybe got some honey already in the hive?

It's no trouble for these most helpful of bees.

I'll give them a few instructions.

Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz.

There's no honey... Buzz buzz buzz buzz.

..boring toast. Buzz, buzz, buzz.

Doesn't like marmalade. Buzz, buzz.

Ooh, almost forgot! Buzz, buzz!

Now, fly, my hive-minded beauties.

Ooh. Get off! Aghh! Aghh!

Ow! No, get the honey!

Aghh! Not me! Ow!

Aghh! My beautiful bees.

Ow! Oh, this is so obvious!

Ow, again and again.

Mum! Dad!

What are you doing there?

Did you think we'd let you go on your first date without wishing you luck?

-Thanks.

-Because my goodness, you'll need all the luck you can get.

-What?

-Well, she's so out of your league, it's unreal.

She's like Manchester United to your Grimsby Town Juniors fifth team.

(Bad.)

-Is she really?

-And your clothes won't exactly help your chances.

-I thought I looked good.

-Yes, you do - in opposite world.

You could get nervous. A little tongue-tied.

You might panic and call her Munty Moose-pig.

No, I won't!

You might accidentally spill a drink on her

or throw spaghetti in her face. Then she'd get up and go

and you'd feel humiliated and useless and small.

Then you'd get a nickname like "Mr Bad Date."

Or "Mr Hated-by-Susan".

-Why are you saying these things?

-Just trying to help.

Trying to avoid a long lonely life of regret

wondering if things might be different if you weren't rubbish.

Right.

Anyway, you'd better hurry along.

We'll stay here and watch a romantic comedy

on Digital Versatile Disc.

See people doing a proper date.

Fine. Right, well...

I guess I'll stay here and watch it with you guys, then.

That's the spirit. Quit while you're ahead.

No! I'm going to go on my date.

I like Susan and Susan likes me.

Things are going to go brilliantly.

So much optimism.

In spite of it all.

Frankly, if it all goes well, I'll strap a chicken to my head

and pretend I'm Charlotte Church.

DVD PLAYS

-I'm back.

-Oh. How did it go?

Oh, it was brilliant! We're going out again tomorrow

and she's agreed to be my girlfriend and, in time, my wife.

And I was given an award for being the best person on a date

by the International Romance Society.

And on the way home, I stopped at the chicken shop

and got this...

Charlotte!

Oh.

I'm Charlotte Church.

That's not Charlotte Church! Do the voice properly.

-HIGH-PITCHED WELSH ACCENT:

-I'm Charlotte Church from Wales.

It's very, very important to include five fruit and veg a day.

I know I do.

I'm going to give you a run-down now

at some of the things you can include in your diet

in order to keep yourself healthy.

So here we are, number one.

It's blueberries. FARTING

Ooh! At number two,

Blueberries. FARTING

Now, under number three here, I've no idea, let's see.

Blueberries. FARTS

At number four, guess what?

It's a blueberry! Ooh, gusty! FARTS

And who could forget number five, spinach.

Only joking, it's blueberries.

FARTING They really keep you moving.

LOUD FARTING

My, it's gone straight through.

DOORBELL RINGS

-There's someone at the door, Dean.

-Who is it? I'm busy!

It's your destiny, Dean. Time to meet your arch enemy.

Mr Wilson, the PE teacher?

No, it's the incredible supermind of Dr Armani Firebird.

-He's tracked you down.

-Hiya!

-All right?

-Go on, Dr Armani. Put your evil scheme into action.

What evil scheme? I don't have one.

So he says. Such are the machinations of his evil yet brilliant mind. Go on!

Goodness! What an incredible adversary, Dean.

You'll need all your mental and physical attributes now!

Stop it, Dr Armani!

We'd better leave you to it

so you can engage in your life and death battle

using supreme cunning and your superhuman physical skills.

Do we have to? I've got homework.

Course you do! You're in the grip of megalomania.!

We talked about this.

You're being driven mad by your super-human intelligence.

-What's megalomania?

-Can't we do this next week?

No, Dean, I've told you. No rest until you've vanquished evil. Get on with it.

So, we meet again, Dr Armani.

They remember each other from previous deadly encounters.

No, we do Maths together!

I propose we settle this once and for all.

Nice banter, Dean.

Very well. This ends here.

We've been working on that one.

We shall settle this by means of a video game.

Yeah, good idea!

-I'll be Man Utd.

-I'll be City.

Square it, Dean. Evil must not triumph.

Clear it, Dr Armani!

Ooh! Whoo!

What is that smell? Can you smell that?

SNIFFS

Where's it coming from?

What is that smell?

Ear wax?

No.

-Your breath?

-Ooh, maybe.

Maybe.

No, no it's not. No.

-Ooh, elephants!

-Elephants?!

Elephant, yeah. I can smell elephant. Who's got an elephant?

I can definitely smell elephant.

Ooh, hang on. Hang on! Hang on!

Ooh! Ooh! Oh!

That's the thing about the smell of an elephant. You never forget!

What about this bus?

I'll put the kettle on.

Ooh! Did you put that mousetrap down like I asked?

Yeah, I put one in the dining room last night.

You're absolutely sure it's a mouse trap you bought?

Of course! What other sorts of traps are there?

Oh, ho, ho!

Oh, ho, ho!

-Aghh!

-Fantastic - Santa Claus!

I must have bought the wrong box.

Take it back and get the right one, please.

-Oh.

-Oh, ho, ho!

-Sorry about that.

Sorry about this, mate.

-You must be busy this time of year.

-One way of putting it.

-What's your name?

-Peter Collins.

It says I've got you down for a remote control helicopter this year.

-Yes!

-Yeah.

Like that's going to happen!

Oh!

MOUSE SQUEAKS

-What's the trouble?

-Doctor, I can't see anything out of this eye.

And I've got a pinching feel in my shoulder.

-Ah, I know what this is. You've got Buccaneer's Syndrome.

-What's that?

No worries, it's basically pirate flu.

The pinching sensation is where your parrot is gripping too tightly.

-Parrot?!

-Squawk!

-Ooh!

Your vision will improve if you lift up the...

Can you say "ahh" for me?

Arrrrr!

Yes, this is a fairly advanced stage.

I just want to try something.

-Agh!

-No, it's not that one.

HOLLOW TAPPING SOUND Ah.

Ah.

Me leg! What's happened? You've got to helps me, Doctor!

The treatment for this is very simple.

I'll write you out a prescription.

And you'll find it buried...

..there.

Arrrr!

I'm just... Look at these. They're all broken.

All our axes and swords are just worn out.

-Chief!

-Yes.

-I've been working on a new kind of weapon for us.

It's based on an idea from a long time ago.

Somewhere far, far away.

Oh! Right.

I haven't tried them out yet.

But have a go and see what you think.

Sorry, Eric. Is this some kind of joke?

This wouldn't even scare Sven!

-Aghh!

-All right, you take my point.

No, you have to switch them on first.

You hold them out in front of you like this.

Then push the button.

ALL SCREAM

Stop! Turn them off!

Oh.

They're very impressive, Eric,

but they're terrifying!

But if everyone can learn to use them without screaming,

-we can rule the world with such terrifying weaponry.

-Vikings,

can you try it again without screaming?

-Of course, yes. Consider it done.

-Yes, yes.

OK, then. Hold them out and press the button.

ALL SCREAM

Turn them off. I'm sorry, Eric. They're making everyone too panicky.

A panicky Viking is like a dog with its bum on fire. Awful!

We can always use them to scare Sven.

-Aghh! Aghh! Aghh!

-Now that is fun!

-Wow, Pete, that was delish.

-Superb. Thanks, Pete.

No problemo. All got room for pudding?

-It's an old traditional family recipe.

-Always room for pudding.

I'll go and get it.

So, Clive, how do you know Pete?

We were flat mates. I rented a room off him.

Right. What do you do?

I'm a clown.

Oh.

-There we are.

-Ooh!

-Individually baked custard pies!

-Those look fantastic.

-They must have taken an age to make.

Oh, forgot the sauce.

SCARY FAIRGROUND MUSIC

ECHOES OF CROWD CHEERING

ELEPHANT ROARS

Here's the special s...

Clive! How could you?

I'm sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

CLOWN'S NOSE PARPS

-Is that...

-No, it's not helping!

-You!

-Little man!

-Where are we?

-We're completely lost.

We've been wandering about for hours!

-This is the Memorial Park.

-The park?

How can that be? We only went to the kitchen to make tea!

I do get giddy after scoffing aniseed balls.

-You shouldn't have eaten 400.

-Do you want me to starve?

-I'm wasting away.

-True. There's barely anything of her.

-What are you doing here?

-I run the pitch and putt.

-Hit and cup?

-The bits and bobs?

-Pistachio nuts?

-Twitching gut?

-What are you talking about?

Pitch and putt. Like a short version of golf.

-Crazy golf?

-Not really crazy golf.

My Uncle Higgs was a champion at crazy golf.

No, dear, he was just crazy.

No, pitch and putt. Pitch it on the green and try and putt it in.

Sounds quite diverting. We do like a bit of golf.

Yes, I have the glad eye for that Colin Montgomerie.

Beneath those Aran sweaters lies the rippling torso of a predatory man!

Steady on! Everyone will want your phone number.

We'll have a go on your pitch and putt, please.

-OK. Nine or 18?

-I'm actually neither. I'm a little over 18.

-Sweet of you.

-No, how many holes do you want to play, nine or 18?

Oh! Let's split the difference. Five and a half.

-It'll cost the same as nine.

-Cost?!

-Oh, price!

-Money!

-The shadow of remuneration towers over us once again.

-Nothing's free these days.

-Apart from the hot towels in the Chinese restaurant.

They're delicious. But you have to pay for dinner first.

This pitchy-putt-putt won't come cheap.

-It's be once to pitch, then pay again to putt.

-Yes.

-Then you'll have to pay for the clubs.

-And more for the holes.

Not much change from £1,000, when all's said and done.

-A thousand pounds?!

-It's what these things cost, apparently!

-No, ladies. Each game costs £3.50.

-A thousand pounds!

-A thousand pounds is too much!

-It's absurd!

I won't pay £1,000 just to pitch your putts!

Come, Jasmine. Let us ride two wild stags to Scotland.

And thence to Gleneagles, to pitch our own putt with sugary Lord Alan.

I hope you get a hole in one.

And then realise you've got a hole in the other!

Good day! I like your beach.

You look great in a swimsuit!

I'll have that.

Sticky Martin - he's got the stickiest hands in the world!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

OMG!

-Yes?

-So you know what's like hot?

What? What's hot?

Justin Bieber is like so hot right now!

-Justin Bieber is so hot now.

-Justin Bieber is like amazable.

OMG, yeah. He's like totally, totes amazable.

-I call him the Bieber.

-I call him the Biebs.

-I call him the B.

-I call him the buh...

He's like so totally like gorgeous.

Oh, MFG, I would totally like to kiss him and things.

I'd like to be in a car crash and be in a coma for a month

and then my cousin comes round and phones the Biebs and he comes to me

and sings Eenie Meenie just for me and that's what would happen.

That is totally normal because everyone loves Justin Bieber.

My mum loves Justin Bieber.

Like everyone loves Justin Bieber.

He's totally everywhere and everyone's sick of him!

Like too much of Bieber.

When I first liked Justin Bieber, no-one else knew about him.

Now everyone likes him. I'm so over Justin Bieber.

-And his hat.

-His hat?

He wears like a hair hat.

It's totally stupid.

If he ever sings Eenie Meenie ever again

and if I ever see his round face I'm gonna be totally sick out of my eyes. It's not funny.

I'm so over Justin Bieber now.

He's so not hot.

-Not.

-Hot.

-Eugh!

-Beughh!

This is the Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.

During an unusually vicious storm,

the classroom is badly hit.

But the school day must go on.

So, Ross, that's quite a storm outside.

I've seen worse, to be honest.

-Really?

-Yes, our house didn't used to be a bungalow.

We lost the first floor in the great gusts of 2007.

Wow!

So, Valerie, were you affected by the storm?

Yes, unfortunately, I'd just popped out for my midnight digestives

when the storm hit.

So I had to ride it out in the sheep barn until it finished itself off.

Gosh, so you didn't get much sleep?

No, and neither did the sheep.

Very nervous animals in bad weather.

Very nervous animals indeed.

Are you OK, Miss?

Yes, yes, I'm fine. Now, Ross, get out your maths books, please.

We're supposed to be doing Spanish, Miss.

I'm aware of that, Ross, but the Spanish books are under that tree.

-So unless you've got a chainsaw, we're doing Maths.

-OK.

-Could you pass me the chalk?

-We can't interrupt. We're just observers.

Don't be ridiculous. Stewart on camera, could you pass the chalk?

No, Stewart, don't let go!

Aghh!

Despite the difficult teaching conditions,

Valerie rises to the challenge with characteristic ingenuity.

Are you all right there, Valerie?

Yep.

Valerie, wouldn't it be a good idea to suspend school till it's more horizontal?

No. I think challenging situations create a great learning experience.

CRASH!

Are you OK, Miss?

Yes, Ross, I'm fine.

Now, use the rope system and go and fill in the answer, please.

Right.

Now fill it in.

I don't want to let go, Miss!

And I'm quite sure you don't want to get a D, either, Ross.

Miss, I can't hold on!

Aghhh!

Wrong!

-Hello!

-What are you doing? I'm having my lunch!

Don't worry, carry on.

I'm here to break the world record for plate spinning!

Fine.

Antonia, can you give me the world record for plate spinning?

Actually, I know it anyway. Take the day off.

The world record for the number of plates spinning at one time is 108.

Easy! Right!

Wh...

Plate one! PLATE SMASHES

You've never spun a plate before, have you?

Not until I spun that one just now, no!

-It's easier when you've got loads.

-I don't think so.

No, no, don't take those...

They're commemorative plates we give to someone who's broken a record.

It's fine. I'll get them back to you in tip-top condition.

You won't know they've been moved.

Number two!

Three!

Four!

Five! Woo-hoo! Six!

105!

106!

107!

108! That's the record! 109!

I've broken the world record!

No, you've broken 109 of my plates.

Oh, so close!

Well, that was brilliant!

I've never been to a catching competition before.

I've got 15 cricket balls, five fish and three escaped criminals!

All I caught was a cold.

Well, that's quite difficult

because germs are very, very small.

That's called nano-catching.

-It's very tricky.

-Well, I feel rubbish.

A-choo!

I can't even catch my own sneezes!

-I've got something that could help you.

-Really?

-Follow me.

A-ha-ha!

Hang on!

Is this one of your mad experiments?

No!

How could you think that?

Well, the hair and the coat and all the...

Oh, never mind!

Behold,

anti-viral serum NCC-1701.

It is one of your mad experiments!

Maybe a bit.

Your experiments always go wrong!

My experiments are excellent.

Oh, yeah? What about your moustache-growing medicine

so I could pretend to be a grown-up and see that film?

It worked, didn't it?

It grew a metre every ten minutes!

You looked great.

I was a massive ball of moustache hair!

It took five hairdressers one day to cut me free.

Well, I said I was sorry.

Besides, I've learnt a lot since then.

-This cold remedy is perfectly safe.

-Really?

-It tastes a lot worse than it looks.

-Do you promise?

I promise.

Promise!

Promise, promise!

Promise! Ha-ha-ha!

That's a convincing number of promises. I'll try it.

Hang on... I do feel something.

Oops!

My hands!

That wasn't meant to happen. Still, you can catch things properly now!

Or not.

Sorry!

What?!

Oh, no!

-Oh, no!

-All right, love?

My car!

My car was here and it's been stolen. My dog was inside it!

Keep calm. Don't worry.

Oh, no! My dog!

Officer!

-What's the problem?

-My car was there and it's been stolen.

And my dog was inside it!

-Not a very good guard dog, then!

-Help me find him!

-Give me a description.

-He's big, white with black spots.

He's a Dalmatian cross.

Oh! Oh, that's him!

I'm really sorry for wasting police time.

You are a bad dog! A very bad dog! Going off like that!

I thought it would be nice to pick you up.

Sorry?

Woof!

Definitely woof!

-What are you doing?

-My hat's gone!

My hat's gone!

What are you doing with...

He says everything backwards in order to grow younger.

And it's working, too. I've lost six minutes since I started.

-Oh, minutes since I lost six have...

-It's rather confusing!

Those words were not in the right order!

-That was great fun!

-Yeah? Into that... Sorry!

Stop!

-What are you doing?

-Sorry!

-Good. That's normal.

That is so amazable. That is so like...

I just dribbled!

Quite a lot, as well!

Yes, I have quite...

Rubbish! I'm not even acting!

# La-la-la-la-la. #

I'll get you, Philippe!

Witch! She's a witch!

Maybe my bees can help.

-One thousand pounds!

-A thousand pounds!

In your imagination!