Episode 1 The Dog Ate My Homework

Hello, and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

CBBC's best excuse for a panel show.

I'm Iain Stirling

and I'm here to put good times back on the timetable.

So let's kick things off with the school announcements.

Congratulations to our biology club,

who have successfully managed

to cross a guinea pig with Harry Styles.

LAUGHTER

After a number of complaints,

the new IT teacher strongly denies being an attention seeker.

LAUGHTER

And due to a typing error in today's religious education class,

children will be learning about the importance of cod.

LAUGHTER

Enough mucking about,

let's take the register to find out who's getting an A-star today.

-On my left we have Roma...

-Here.

..and on Roma's team we have teacher turned comedian Romesh Ranganathan.

Here, sir.

He's got specs, he's got funny, no, it's not me, it's Sam Fletcher.

Here.

Squeeze them all together into a super-student,

we get Rosam Rangarom.

That looks better than me, which is upsetting.

BEC HILL: That looks like if you made a shark into a person.

-That's what it would look like.

-There you have it.

And on my right-hand side we have Jamie.

-Here, miss, I mean Iain. Sorry.

-Unbelievable.

-And in Jamie's team we have Australia's very own Bec Hill.

-Here.

And joining them, Britain's Got Talent comedy king,

it's Jack Carroll.

-Here.

-Nice.

Put them together and we get Jambecarol.

Otherwise known as the ugliest human being ever created.

It's mainly me!

That's what Bec's twin brother looks like.

-Yeah.

-That's it, so please big up both the teams today.

OK, this is how we do it -

every time you win a round you get to hand in some of this homework.

The team that hands in the most wins the whole game.

However, the team of - for want of a better word - losers,

get put straight into detention

with a man fiercer than a football stadium full of Beyonces,

and, believe me, that is...

fierce.

It's Mr Smash.

Aargh!

Hi, Smashy, what you doing, mate?

HE GRUNTS

I'm quite busy, mate, I'm presenting a telly show...

HE GRUNTS

What you doing?

You'll make them angry, mate.

I'm warning you, they'll turn on you, mate.

First rule of comedy - never provoke the audience.

So that's who's in charge of detention,

and remember, as far as the points go, it's Iain's school so it's...

AUDIENCE: Iain's rules.

Who's got two thumbs and a catch phrase? This guy!

Right, enough shirking, let's get working.

OK, this round is called Shedloads,

the round with more back and forth than a selfish kid on a swing.

I'll ask you a question that has shedloads of right answers.

You have to give me as many of

those correct answers as humanly possible.

When I want to move on, I'll switch to another question,

and when the bell goes,

the team that I think has done the best can hand in their homework.

-Everybody on board?

-ALL: Yes.

Roma's team, your first question is geography.

Name places that finish with the word "land". Go!

-Iceland.

-Go.

-Scotland.

-Yes.

-England.

-Yes.

-Donald Sutherland.

-Nice.

-Poundland.

-Yes.

-BUZZER

-You've had it. Moving on...

-Thailand.

-Nice.

-Greenland.

-Yeah.

-Poland.

-Poland.

-Sunderland!

-Sunderland, yes!

-Yeah!

-Birdland.

-Birdland?

It's a theme park.

They have loads of birds and stuff. It does exist.

Fine then. Next one.

-Deutschland.

-Deutschland?

-Yeah.

Like it - two points for using foreign language.

Winter wonderland.

Oh! Romesh!

Ha-ha!

Music - an instrument that you can blow.

-Didgeridoo.

-Yes.

-Flute.

-Yes.

-Piano with a hole in it.

-Oh!

A tin can that you can sort of...

That is the most northern answer I've ever seen.

The clarinet. I played the clarinet.

You play the clarinet?

Can you do a little air clarinet now for us?

Is that the face that you pull?

I can verify - that is actually a perfect clarinet face.

-Balloon.

-Yes.

Comb with a bit of paper on it.

What noise does that make, Romesh?

Doo-doo-doo-doo.

APPLAUSE

It is that easy. Next one.

-My grandma.

-Your grandma?

When you blow on my grandma she makes this sounds - ooh!

If you line up like five grandmas, you can go

ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh.

Don't line up grandmas and blow on them.

Next subject is things you'd find in your lunchbox.

A drinks bottle.

Apples.

-A rotten sandwich.

-Oh!

I left it there overnight.

Is Jamie's parents in...?

I think we need to have a talk.

-A note from your mum.

-Saying what?

I always get that and my mum's like, "Roma, I love you. Love mum."

Or my dad sends me them.

I used to get a note going, "I forgot to put sandwiches in this."

"IOU a sandwich."

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, that's time up.

OK. I've had a think about it

and because I'm worried about his sandwiches,

I'm going to give the points there to Jamie's team -

you can hand in your homework.

-Next up is the round where we...

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hello, who is it?

-It's Eve from class 4B.

Oh, come in, Eve from class 4B.

Oh, hello, Eve.

That's a nice hat, is it cold outside?

-No.

-You've been entertaining the pre-schoolers?

Nope.

-Why you wearing it then?

-I've just come back from the careers fair,

I'm going to be a tiger.

Raar!

-Here you go, Iain.

-Thanks, Eve.

-Bye.

Eve from class 4B, everyone.

Don't eat anyone on the way out.

OK. Oh, it's time for a school announcement.

It's an announcement regarding the foreign exchange students.

We've managed to exchange them for a new climbing frame!

Don't tell their parents.

And now it is time for everyone's highlight of the show,

it is time for Who Do You Think I Am?

-Oh, no.

-This is so rubbish.

This is where I will truly dazzle you with my acting prowess

and bring to life famous characters from the past.

It's your easy, laughable job to guess which historical figure

I have become.

Do we have to do this?

Genuinely, some of the worst acting I've ever seen from you, mate.

He's very keen for this.

We've got my box of dramatic ingredients,

let's make a history quiche.

-I don't like quiche.

-OK. Here we go.

As well as my exciting acting, I've got some no-expense-spared props.

Is that real medical equipment?

If anyone is in trouble, I am qualified to deal with your woes.

You look like you're stuck in a wind storm.

OK. Here is your first clue.

I'll just get into character - this is very serious stuff,

so if you could just give it the respect it deserves.

-OK.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:

-I am an English medical lady,

who was named after an Italian city.

Are you sure you're English?

I'm English, yes, this is my English accent.

It's very aggressive.

What do you mean aggressive?!

I'm not going to intrude any further

cos you're scaring me a little bit.

Time for clue number two.

-That was a clue?

-Yeah.

-Eh?

-It was a clue!

I'm in the character!

-IN NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:

-I was so brilliant

at caring for people,

I inspired lots of others to do what I did.

-BEC:

-You're my grandma!

Hold on. Wait, there's a test.

-Ooh!

-Grandma!

I'm not from Australia, you can tell from the accent. Hello!

-Are you Doctor Who?

-No!

Lady!

OK, time for clue number three.

I had the same surname as a bird.

Ooh-ooh.

I was known as the lady with the lamp.

Lamp-torch, lamp-torch, lamp-torch.

-We've got it.

-Who am I?

-Florence Nightingale.

Is it Florence Nightingale?

It's the correct answer!

Yes, Florence Nightingale, mega-nurse of the Crimean War.

Congratulations, Jamie, now let's go over to Roma's team...

ANNOUNCEMENT: School disco!

School disco!

MUSIC: We No Speak Americano by Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP

So, Roma's team, this is your one now.

Do we really have to do this?

-Romesh...

-What you did to that team was one of the most pathetic things

I've seen in my life.

OK, here we go.

HE MUMBLES IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE

This looks like a documentary about...

I am trying to get into character!

Sorry, Dumbledore.

I've got it, right.

It is Father Christmas on his day off.

OK, here we go.

I am an English man

of royal blood.

Brian Blessed.

No!

Royal blood - not in a cup, in me.

Bit weird.

Clue number two.

I am a big fan

of weddings and funerals.

Hugh Grant.

Now, to all the people under 15 that got that joke - well done!

This is shameful.

-MIMICS ROMA'S ACCENT:

-Absolutely shameful.

That's Florence Nightingale.

OK, clue number three.

I also wrote loads of songs.

I also like chopping off the heads of my many wives.

People think I like throwing chickens over my shoulder.

Have a chicken.

Have a chicken.

Have a chicken.

Have a chicken.

-So...

-Colonel Sanders.

NO!

Are you Henry VIII?

I am Henry VIII, correct!

Yes, the infamous axe fan

and 16th-century King of England.

-Well done, Roma's...

-PHONE RINGS

Oh, hang on a minute,

I've just had a phone call.

Hello? Is that the BBC Drama Department?

-Hello, Iain.

-Oh, yeah, mate.

You're rubbish.

You are welcome.

OK, so Roma and Jamie both got the correct answer,

so you both get to hand in your homework.

We are rattling through things,

so let's check in with Smash for the scores.

Smashy, what have Roma's team got so far?

Raargh, raargh, raargh.

And what about Jamie's team?

Raargh, raargh, raargh.

Jamie's team, not too shabby.

Roma's team, get your thinking caps on

or you'll be in detention with Smash,

and believe me, he has got questionable hygiene.

He hasn't even taken his shoes off, they got eaten away by the smell.

Right, let's get on with the next round.

So, this is the round where, more often than not,

things go a little bit pear-shaped.

Yes, it's the off-the-wall art round.

Today showing us what they can doodle are Bec and Sam,

so please, Bec and Sam, join me at the art board.

Let's go.

So here's what we're going to do -

I'll give each of you a list of animals to draw - kapow.

Every time someone in your team guesses the animal,

we'll move on to the next one,

but you have to add the picture to the picture you've already drawn

to create an enormous mutant mega-beast.

And the team that guesses the most correct animals

gets to hand in their homework.

-Are you guys ready?

-Yes.

OK, you have got until the bell rings,

so start your mega-beasts now!

First animal, here we go.

ROMA: Sheep!

Correct - one point, Roma's team, let's move on.

-Dragon. Dinosaur.

-What is that?

-Crocodile.

-Crocodile.

-Yeah!

One point to Jamie's team. Move on.

-Hurry up!

-Wolf! Wolf!

-Elephant.

-Elephant, yes.

One point to Roma's team. Let's move on.

Come on, Bec. Talk more.

-Deer. Deer.

-What is that?

Not quite a deer, think more Christmassy.

-Reindeer.

-Yes!

Point to Roma's team. Move onto the next animal.

-Raar!

-ROMA: Tiger...

-What's spotty?

-Hurry up!

-Leopard.

-Leopard.

One point to Roma's team. Let's move on.

ROMA: Hedgehog.

Oh, what do you call it?

Peacock.

Another point to Roma's team. Let's move on.

ROMA: Hurry up, draw it faster! JAMIE: A unicorn.

-Yes.

-A what?

-A unicorn.

Point to Jamie's team. Let's move on.

-ROMESH:

-Goldfish. Snail.

-What is it?

-Kangaroo.

-A kangaroo?

Yes, point to Roma's team. Let's move on.

Draw faster.

JAMIE: A snake.

Yes. Point to Jamie's team.

BELL RINGS

OK, put your pens down, we'll have a look at Bec's.

Let's talk me through this masterpiece.

This is an amalgamation of animals, this is its own animal.

What's it called?

Peeweehumperdink.

-There's only five left in the wild.

-I've drawn that too!

And do you know, if you give £1 every day,

you can save this animal.

Yeah, if you give Bec £1 a day,

she will save the Peeweepumpernickle and she will not...

-Peeweehumperdink.

-Sorry.

-Come on.

-It's as if you made it up.

-Get the name right.

Give it up for Bec Hill's picture, everybody, it's wonderful.

APPLAUSE

-Sam Fletcher.

-Can I just say,

my mum and dad both went to art school.

And you clearly didn't!

Sorry, Mum and Dad.

What are you going to call this species of mega-beast?

The Latin name for it is...

Of course, the Latin name.

..Completeous Rubbishneous.

Yeah, and the common name for it is Total Rubbish.

Smash, can you think of a good name for Sam's species of animal?

Raaargh!

Oh, he's went with Clive.

I like the fact that it's not got any eyes.

It does, it has one eye.

It looks like a spot.

Iain, if you looked like that, you do not want eyes.

It's lovely, mate.

And I can also reveal that at the end of that round

the team that gave the most correct answers was Roma's team.

Roma, hand in your homework! Let's go!

OK, it's time for What Happened Was,

the round where our teams have to come up with an outrageous excuse

for not handing in their homework.

And to give them something to work with,

I'm going to grab some words from the studio audience.

All right, guys, let's see what you've got. Come on!

Look how nervous everyone looks...

Surprise mum attack!

What's your word?

-Apricot.

-Apricot, ooh, very posh.

Is that your dad?

-Can I sit on him?

-Yeah.

Don't cuddle me. Aargh!

-What's your name, my man?

-Jack.

-What's your word, Jack?

-Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

He's gone left-field!

He's gone for a big 'un.

Surprise dad attack.

Zombie.

Is that your dad?

Keep an eye on him for me.

OK, what about you, what's your name, young lady?

-Nadine.

-Nadine, I just hit you with the microphone.

What's your word, Nadine?

-Leprechaun.

-Leprechaun, lovely.

OK. Jamie, your words are...

I can't even say it! OK.

-What's your name, buddy?

-James.

-Where are you from, James?

-Newcastle.

Oh, wow, you've travelled all the way here today?

-No, yesterday.

-Whoa!

Do you regret that decision?

-Yes.

-Yeah, I would.

Right, so what's your word?

-Explosion.

-Explosion.

HE MIMICS A SMALL EXPLOSION

Oh, look at you.

What's your name?

-Samantha.

-And what's your word, Samantha?

-Coinkydink.

-Coinkydink?

That's totes a coinkydink!

I'm wearing that jumper as well, what a coinkydink.

What's your name?

-May.

-May?

What's your word, May?

-Disobedient.

-Disobedient?

-Is she disobedient?

-Yes.

-No.

-Look at that.

Her dad went, "Yes, she is."

Kapow, what's your word?

-Gobbledygook.

-Gobbledygook.

What's your word?

-Frog.

-What's your word?

-Pigeon.

-OK.

Roma, your words are...

OK, we've got our words,

let's talk some drivel.

Come on, let's go!

Jamie, young man,

you know the rules, mate, you do your homework,

you hand it in, so just pass me the homework,

I'll have a look at it now.

Eh, well, I haven't got it with me, Iain.

You haven't...?

What do you mean?

Well, what happened was, I saw a leprechaun, and he asked me for...

Where was this? Where did you see it?

-Oh, at the park.

-Oh, there's loads in the park.

He was playing on the swings and he was like, "Hello."

They do that.

And he asked me if I was hungry,

because he had lots of apricots that he'd bought off a mutant zombie.

Oh, one of them apricot-selling mutant zombies?

So, I had some apricots and they were supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

That's how I would describe them.

If you say it loud enough, it almost sounds precocious.

Oh!

But the leprechaun wanted something in return.

Of course he did.

He's not handing out free apricots, he's a businessman.

I wasn't sure what to give him,

but he just stole my homework immediately

and he laughed at me in a strange, evil way, like...

HE DOES A SILLY LAUGH

There you go.

It's fine though, Jamie, don't worry about it.

It's not a day wasted, cos Roma is going to hand in her homework

and we can... Come on, Roma.

-I don't have it.

-What do you mean?

Well, what happened was, I was walking to school...

That's a good place to walk to.

..and I heard an explosion,

and this pigeon flew right over me,

just as there was an explosion.

I thought,

"That's a coinkydink."

It is, what a coinkydink.

And the pigeon landed on my head.

No way!

Was it one of them head-landing pigeons?

Yeah.

Oh, they're a nightmare at the minute, aren't they, Rom?

You can't move for 'em, head-landers.

Head-landers, I hate them.

Carry on.

And it took my homework, and then...

-Cos you keep your homework on your head, don't you?

-Yeah.

Of course you do.

-Good place to store it.

-Best place.

And then I went to run after it,

but then I found out it was a certain type of breed of pigeon,

and this is what the French call a "disobediont peegion".

What's that in English.

-Disobedient pigeon.

-Oh, no.

It wasn't a head-lander.

It's a disobedient head-lander.

-It's the worst combination.

-The worst type.

But I went to get the homework back and I met a policeman

and he told me that this certain type of pigeon was wanted

and illegal in certain countries

and it was extremely dangerous to confront it.

So, I made a judgment call -

either be killed by a pigeon or go to school, so I went to school.

Right, guys, well, I like both of them -

they're both good excuses, but whose was the best?

There is only one way to find out - using the audience.

So if you like Jamie's leprechaun, let's hear you scream now.

SCREAMING

Louder.

Or if you were a fan of

Roma's disobedient pigeon, scream now.

LOUD SCREAMING

Wow!

That was unbelievable.

I'm going to have to call that...a draw.

Both teams, hand in their homework.

OK, it's time to hotfoot it to the finish,

it is time for All Kinds Of Wrong.

I'll be throwing heaps of questions at each team.

When you feel the scorch of the spotlight,

I want you to give me the first incorrect answer

that springs to mind.

Every wrong answer means a piece of bonus homework in the bank.

Roma's team, you guys are up first,

so, please, make your way to The Wrong Ray.

OK, guys, when the light stops on you, you have to give me

an incorrect answer, do you understand?

-ALL: No.

-Correct.

Well done.

Here we go, your time starts in three, two, one...

KLAXON

There's no place like...?

A large tortoise's backside.

What do you use to cut the grass?

Cheese.

Nice to see you, to see you...?

Really nice.

No, nice, I'm not going to take that.

ET, phone...?

Monkfish.

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou...?

I'm at IKEA.

Correct.

Brits are famous for eating fish and...?

Dinosaurs.

A, B, C, D, E, F...?

12.

Is this a rhetorical question?

Orange.

Correct. X marks the...?

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, time up.

You lot were totally barking up the wrong tree there, well done.

Now back to your seats!

OK, same again for you guys. Your time start in three, two, one...

KLAXON

To be or not to be - that is the...?

Answer.

The Eiffel Tower is in the city of...?

My back garden.

The dictionary contains lots of different...?

-Waffles.

-Correct.

If you're embarrassed, you eat humble...?

I just eat pie anyway.

What colour is an orange?

-Seven.

-Correct.

Every cloud has a silver...?

-Dress.

-Correct.

What isn't your name?

Macklin.

Incorrect.

That is not your name.

What planet do we live on?

I don't know sometimes.

Correct.

BELL RINGS

Well done there, so many incorrect answers,

but I've got genuinely no idea

if you were wrong enough to win the round,

so head back to your seats and let's find out who scored top marks.

Teams, it's promotion to prefects for the winners,

but it's detention for the losers.

So have you smashed it enough to avoid...Mr Smash?

HE GRUNTS

He does do a lot of good work for charity.

Anyway, here we go - let's find out which team are swotty

and which team are...

AUDIENCE: Naughty!

DRUM ROLL

And the winner is...

-Roma's team!

-CHEERING

Well done, Roma's team,

but, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, I don't want to say this to you, mate...

But, sadly, your team are going to have to take the walk of shame.

Off you go.

# La, la, la, la-la-la, losers

# La, la, la, la-la-la, losers

# La, la, la, la-la-la, losers. #

All right, guys,

what has happened today

is that Smash has lost his whistle in the shower this morning,

so if you could just have a look through

those bowls of plughole hair.

In you get, Jamie, right in.

While they're doing that,

please, give it up for the three people in detention -

it is Bec, Jamie and Jack, everyone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Also, give it up for our star pupils today, Roma, Romesh and Sam.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you all for watching, and remember,

we didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

AUDIENCE: The Dog Ate My Homework.

Sees ya!